MSU - 1/18/12 - v06i02

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The Black Sheep

F ew ree.. alk .like st t hat he s rui alt ns on yo th ur e boo ts ..

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

theblacksheeponline.com

Volume 6, Issue 2 1/18/12 - 1/25/12

The Black Sheep Investigates:

Extracurricular Activity at MSU

black betty wrote this

There are almost 48,000 people who attend MSU, and over 250 registered organizations for every type of weird interest that our beloved Spartans may have. And if you can’t find that socially awkward group of people who share your very same love for underwater Dungeons and Dragons, then you have the privilege of making one yourself! But after some investigation, the mission statements that these clubs present don’t properly line up with the ideals the group actually holds dear. That said, here’s what we think the mission statements for a few MSU clubs should be instead… CLASSIC ROCK APPRECIATION SOCIETY OF SPARTANS Original statement: “To bring together classic rock fans and enjoy music together.” Our interpretation: “To bring together over-pretentious knowledge and opinions of our parents’ generation of music, and swing our dicks to see who has more vinyl records.” DISNEY INTEREST GROUP Original statement: “To create an environment for Disney enthusiasts to gather to share experiences and make friends.” Our interpretation: “To create an environment of Disney enthusiasts who refuse to let go of their childhood fantasies by passionately explaining why they believe they are more similar to one princess over another week after week.” HERP CLUB, MSU Original statement: “To educate people about the value and importance of amphibians and reptiles locally and globally.” Our interpretation: “To educate people about the use of the word ‘herp,’ by applying it to amphibians and reptiles to prevent its more common interpretation as the sexually transmitted disease also known as the ‘gift that keeps on giving’.” JEDI COUNCIL, MSU Original statement: “A place for students who are Star Wars enthusiasts to congregate around their common interest.” Our interpretation: “A place for virgin students to congregate around and govern the Order’s academies while masturbating and crying ourselves to sleep.” PARANORMAL SOCIETY, MSU Original statement: “To investigate and determine possible causes of paranormal activity.” Our interpretation: “To investigate and determine possible causes of why we were afraid of the dark and slept in our parents’ room until age fourteen.”

Other stuff

Inside

POPULAR MUSIC CLUB Original statement: “A social club to explore and examine the medium of popular music.” Our interpretation: “A social club to explore why we can’t stop listening to shitty music like Justin Bieber and Soulja Boy and examine its effects on the quality of our brain matter.” GENERAL ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST GROUP Original statement: “Bringing together students interested in saving our planet by taking a stand.” Our interpretation: “Bringing together students who aren’t afraid to obnoxiously fight for causes that are out of the reach of our state and academic funds, because we don’t want our great-great-great grandchildren’s pets to suffer from Goldfish Emphysema.” SPARTAN SKI CLUB Original statement: “A non-competitive social club for skiers and snowboarders with fun events and annual trips.” Our interpretation: “A non-competitive social club for the occasional skier and snowboarder to get together and excessively binge drink before football games, parties and any other places where people sometimes go outside and do outdoor winter activities in the snow and shit.” If there isn’t a single club or group on here that you’re interested in, you’re probably pretty normal. The good news is, The Black Sheep Club is always open. If we like you. And you’re attractive.

James H. Christianson: Our Bro and Savior How to Wear Your MSU Hoodie

The Black Sheep Recipe Corner

The life and times of history’s most important religious figure.

the first step is to get one. The next? Hang yourself with it.

We’re making a hot and ready relationship, emphasis on the hot.

see page 4

see page 5

see page 11


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