Fre e.. bes.like t lo bein oki g t ng he in t bes he t A Big ND Te th n. e
The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 8 2/29/12 - 3/14/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
Justin Time Travels
Murders Old Women, Giggles Happen justin gawel wrote this
Instead of driving to Panama City this year for spring break, getting drunk on the beach, and slapping our dicks on the bar at Red Lobster again, my friends and I wanted to do something different this year. So, we starting saving up the money we made from stealing things at house parties (to answer your next question, yes, it was us who stole your iPod, and yes, we very much enjoyed your selection of Eagle Eye Cherry before we sold it). And once we finally had enough, we all agreed how to spend it unanimously: We’d rent Michael J. Fox and the DeLorean from Back To The Future in order to spend Spring break traveling through time. We contact Michael J. Fox and he shakes his way to East Lansing the day we’re leaving. After a few awkward questions about why Back To the Future Three was so shitty, he shuffles us into the DeLorean and we’re ready to go. He says the time machine hasn’t been working quite right and it’s nearly impossible to predict what time it will take us to. Are we worried? No, at this point we’re definitely too drunk to be worried. MJF accelerates down Abbot up to eighty-eight miles per hour. Startled, I nearly spill the mug of whiskey in my hand! Lightning surrounds the car and suddenly we’re in a market square. Astounded that the time machine worked, we get out and everyone looks pissed that we ran over their pope or something. However, they all look too sick to really fight us. Seriously, what a bunch of pussies and a weak spring break destination this is. Just because this is Europe during the Middle Ages and everyone has the Bubonic Plague doesn’t mean that they have an excuse not to drink and show their tits for spring break! God, how depressing! We whip a shot glass at a babushka grandmother and it kills her. Subsequently, Michael J. Fox then buys a shit load of opium, and we get back in the time machine to leave. Lightning flashes and all of a sudden we’re on a beach. Okay, this is more like spring break! And look, there’s a giant fucking ship in the bay! Our first thought is that it’s pirates, so we may be spending our spring break like Ben Roethlisberger, you know, raping and pillaging our way through towns. However, once we swim out to the boat, we realize that this is either an Oprah / Tyler Perry style cruise, or it is a slave ship. We put our money on the latter since it’s quiet and no one seems to be bickering about scuffed tennis shoes. Not wanting to be associated with slave owners, we show ourselves off.
Other stuff
Inside
Once we’re back in the DeLorean we give it another go and find ourselves as part of a wagon train on the Oregon Trail. Instantly, all of my friends contract dysentery and are bitten by rattlesnakes. We start chanting “TITS” at a passing wagon and an old fat pioneer woman emerges. Simultaneously, we all yell, “STOP!” causing her covered wagon to cease, making the fat,old pioneer woman lose her balance. This causes her to fall and snap her neck on a rock. Looking around we realize that even with no accompanying laugh track, a fat, old woman falling off a wagon is still pretty funny.
Nonetheless, not wanting to smell the stench of oxen and inbreeding anymore, we decide to leave. But, wait. Fuck. We’re out of plutonium. How does this always happen!? However, the quick thinking MJF simply takes off his wool sweater, puts it on the ground, steps on it in his socks, has a Parkinson’s attack, and promptly generates 1.21 gigawatts of static electricity to power the time machine. Boom, just like that Marty McFly saves spring break. The time machine somehow, and miraculously, returns us back to East Lansing on the last day of vacation. We say goodbye to MJF and we head to the bar where my subsequent blackout makes it seem like I’m traveling through time all over again.
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learn photoshop, use photoshop, love photoshop.
see page 4
see page 5
see page 11
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