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The Black Sheep

Hav Fr e a ee n a ...lik we e so a bi me rd! su mm er!

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 6, Issue 15 4/26/12 - 5/02/12

theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep

Donation Only Precedes Graduation in the Dictionary bailey walsh wrote this

As a senior graduating in less than two weeks, I have recently been appalled by MSU’s behavior toward us future alumni. Between the anxiety of final exams looming until just the day before graduation and the omnipresent fear that we finally have to grow up and get jobs becoming a reality, it is absolutely absurd that MSU is already hitting us up for donations. What kind of donation, you ask? Graduating seniors are being asked to donate money toward the “senior gift” that is given to the university by its students as a way to “commemorate your class’ time here.” And what’s the gift, you ask? New uniforms for Sparty. Because he needs a makeover.* When I received the phone call, I immediately recognized and regretted my mistake of answering because a). Are you shitting me? Of course I don’t want to donate money to the university who has just put me in debt for the next 30 years, and, b). I haven’t even graduated, let alone bought my cap and gown, and they’re already calling me an “alumni” who has a “really cool opportunity to leave their mark on MSU.” Did I mention that they wanted me to leave that mark with $100 bill? While we’re on the topic of a hundred-damn-dollars, let’s look at a few things I’d rather spend that money on: • Clothes for a real person • Netflix Unlimited Streaming +1 DVD out at-a-time memberships for 5 of my closest friends and me • A shit ton of Beanie Babies off eBay • 10,000 Chicken McNuggets • Paying off .005% of one year’s $20,000 tuition • As many hateful telegrams as I can send with $100 to whoever came up with this idea Now, don’t get me wrong here, my time at MSU has been the greatest four years of my life. And I love Sparty. I think he’s (she’s?) the best mascot in the NCAA. What I don’t love, however, is this school taking advantage of its students time and time again (see: the rest of this issue) and then expecting us to “give back” to the university before we’ve even left. Why is the university asking us to dig in our pock-

Other stuff

Inside

ets for something that’s as unnecessary as new uniforms for our mascot? Perhaps it’s because unnecessary spending is MSU’s forte (see: every construction project on campus). Although I could keep ranting about how this university squanders away all its money on useless crap, there is just one more thing that I’d like to point out. Sparty is our mascot, right? So, he goes to all of the athletic games, right? And Tom Izzo donated $1 million dollars to the athletic program 6 months ago, right? Yep. Just checked. He did. Seems kind of strange that we

How the MSU Caf's fart on every meal you eat.

see page 5

Caf-Fart-Teria

can’t spare a small chunk of change out of that cool mil for a couple new uniforms for Sparty, seeing as how he represents our school at every athletic event that we’ve ever had. Strange, but true. And kind of, sort of, exactly why I absolutely refuse to donate a dime. *When I spoke to Poopface (name changed for confidentiality reasons), she legitimately told me that our class had decided on this gift because “Sparty needs a makeover.” I think the word “need” is a bit debatable here, but it’s what Poopface told me next that really threw me for a loop: “We’re asking for a contribution of $100 from every graduating senior.”

what does Matriculation even mean and why does it cost so much?

Are four years of fun worth two decades of debt? see page 7

is it really worth it?

see page 10

Nickel and Diming


page three

pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Dearest readers,

d passing The Black duating this May an Beresh. They’re gra be ll wi I , ow l and Ziev bably don’t kn As most of you pro well-trained apprentices, Justin Gawe I’m gone, but I hope you’ll e my tic to no on en ch ev tor n’t p night u wo Shee for this paper every fantastic job that yo going to do such a one of the articles I’ve ever written read each and every regardless. d e before you go to be we actually did som ue of the semester; we wrote about a few iss t las s thi joy en , but u guys are still dick jokes) I also hope that yo (don’t worry, there t. (We think.) research this time ou ab re you guys) ca fly. The topics that we (and ? Maybe when sheep ll? The State News e of the funniest moments wi o wh it, do n’t do som of the Because, heck, if we s trying to make you happy. I’ve had you laugh a fraction ay point is, we’re alw ople on this staff and if we’ve made . pe job r the we’ve done ou of my life with at our own jokes— time we’ve laughed I’m gone because, ng the paper while rd butthole when rti po sup d an g din keep rea ing the wo I trust all of you to I’m not there…I’m still there, insert after all, even when you least suspect it. a big warm hug, Giving each of you

Best looking group of weirdo's we ever saw.

Bailey

got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really. pics@theblacksheeponline.com

Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

caption@theblacksheeponline.com

sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers

jennifer lawrence & prince harry

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Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Carneverous

A Overload Wench

Llama Peril Whirls

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: The act of owning a car, but refusing to lend it to, or give rides to, anyone. Blaine is a carneverous dick, he never lets anyone drive his BMW M3.


04

How You've

Wasted Your Money

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Alex Everard wrote this

Here’s a riddle for you: What costs $200 when you buy it, but is only worth a dollar when you attempt to sell it back a few months later? Nope, not that autographed Kim and Kris wedding photo you bought, I’m talking about those nifty textbooks!

this semester? History of America Pre-1876? I can Wikipedia that shit.” You make it rain on the cashier with the refund money from your students loans— money you were planning on either saving (or spending on alcohol), and walk out the door feeling like a second class citizen.

Let’s breakdown how such a purchase-to-sellback ratio is possible. First, you must have an oligopoly present—a few firms that collude to set market prices based on their own interests. Let’s see, do the student book stores here fit this description? Check! Next, we need the producer of the good to frequently create a new version, making previous versions outdated and inferior, and thus requiring a new purchase on the part of the consumer. Thanks, Pearson, McGraw-Hill, and all the other douchey,“I named it after myself,” publishing companies that change the color of the font in three chapters and call it the “New &Revised Thirteenth Edition.”

But it might not end there! Chances are,you have to purchase the electronic version of your textbook. And when I say, “textbook,” I mean "an envelope in the mail with a code on it." That’s right, kids— you just bought a $90 piece of paper. Now go to your econ class and learn about price gouging in the book that cost five dollars to make, but was priced at $175. Yeah.

"you'll literally get a chunk of change. we're talking like eight quarters and six dimes for all three books."

Now that all the pieces in this absurd scam called the textbook market are assembled, let’s examine how it impacts us, the students. “Let’s see, my schedule this semester only includes four required texts and one e-book, this shouldn’t be too bad!” Wrong! You waltz into the bookstore, happy and eager for knowledge with the vibrant promise of a new semester, only to be greeted by some “manager,” who rudely points you towards the overpriced books. Oh, and please drop your backpack off with our “security guard,” we need to make sure you don’t steal any books and prevent us from turning over anything less than a 4,000% profit from your broke ass. After quickly perusing the aisles, double checking the decimal places on the price tags and making sure the pages aren’t made of solid gold leaf, you ask yourself, “Okay, which fuckin’ book can I get away with not buying

At least you can sell back the collection you spent a small fortune on for at least a little chunk of change, right? Right! You literally get a chunk of change. Not bills, we’re talking like eight quarters and six dimes for all three of your books. Well, two books, since the employees are taught to always reject at least one. Here is the inner monologue of a bookstore employee as you sell back your books: “Hmm, this one is blue, and I like blue. Five bucks. Oh, this one is about slavery, I don’t like slavery. Two bucks. This one has rounded edges— that’s neat! 75 cents.” It’s all worth it though, in the end. You’ll take all the knowledge you learned in those insanely-priced books to your grave, and it will help you land a six figure-salaried job in the career of your choice! Oh wait, I forgot, this is America, not Fantasy Fucking Bullshitland. You’ll be in debt until you’re 50, and hopefully get to retire before you die. Happy learning, kiddos!

% 18 ts ke Tic ng rki Pa ss 7% - Gym Pa

The Flawed Logic Behind Bookstore Sellback Rates

24% on Textbooks

That you bought for class and never even attempted to read.

18% on Parking tickets That you should never have gotten.

12% on Alcohol That came back up shortly after it went down. 9% on football tickets That you didn't use because you were too drunk to get into the game.

5% on cata bus passes

That has never been anything but a disappointment.

7% on gym passes

That you've used less than a dozen times.

25% on tuition

That went down the drain every time you skipped class.


09

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Caf-Fart-Teria justin gawel wrote this Do you like food? Do you like having your (or your parents’) bank account absolutely violated? Kinda like that kid your middle school shop teacher took a shine to back in the day? Well, if you answered ‘yes’ to one or fewer of these questions, then you shouldn’t be in the market for any sort of meal plan to Michigan State’s cafeterias!

From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

How are you going to get into trouble this summer? “My mom’s going to find out how many cigarettes I smoke.” -Nicole, Freshman

The cafeteria is infamous for its double-edged swordery. Yes, they sometimes serve chicken tenders— which is awesome. Other times, you lose your appetite as the middle-aged cafeteria worker grabs your sandwich with a de-gloved paw, her unkempt knuckle hair creeping toward your food like a nest of tiny, greasy anacondas. To be frank, the caf isn’t worth it. The food may be acceptable, but we all have places we’d rather eat out at (and feel fancy), or dishes we’d rather cook and munch on at home (and feel like a real adult for a change). As for the cafeteria: We don’t need the lines. We don’t need their dress code, which is not conducive to nip-slips or tip-slips. But most importantly, we don’t need the expensive cost of the cafeteria, which by today’s standards amounts to close to a king’s salary, provided that we’re thinking about one of those African kings who gets paid in beads or feathers each year roughly amounting $2,393 American dollars. While living on Michigan State’s campus, the university requires you to buy a meal plan. As of today, my team of grad student researchers has indicated that the semester options all even out to about $2,393 for unlimited personal access to the cafeteria. The team also claims that the only difference between the plans is adding Sparty Cash and guest meals, but what’s the point? I mean, they’re all students here, they know that the liquor stores and drug dealers don’t accept Sparty Cash. Anywho, $2,393 for fifteen weeks of food, depending on how many times per day you visit the caf, works out to about this:

offensive (and that’s because it is), but you’re a fat fuck who’s going to die young. Man the harpoons, because if you keep up that regiment you’re probably going to have a whale of a greasy corpse for your friends/eating buddies to pry out of your lonely bed someday soon. Even more embarrassing for your family who hasn’t distanced themselves yet, will be the autopsy in which they find more bits of gravy and egg yolk in your veins than actual blood. The epitaph on your freakishly obese grave site will read something like: “He Died the Way He Lived: Eating Fried Cheese Dipped in Hellman’s Original Mayonnaise.”

"i would say if you're consistently eating more than 21 full meals per week at the cafeteria, you're going to die young."

Semester = 15 weeks and costs $2,393 Cost per meal: Eat 3x per day = $7.60 Eat 2.5x per day = $9.12 Eat 2x per day = $11.40

Plus, for every corpulent fuck-tard out there there‘s a handful of girls and guys with poor body image who go to the cafeteria less than twice a day and even out the average number of visits from the tubbies described above. Hey, call me old-fashioned, but for these mirror-averse types, $11.40 (or more) is a lot of money to pay for a bran muffin, a grapefruit, and the feelings of guilt and low self-esteem for the rest of the day, right?

Some fat loudmouth will refute our findings by claiming that the plan is unlimited, and thus, he is paying very little for how much he eats since he spends his days gorging himself until he falls asleep in the caf with his Type 2 diabetes clock rapidly winding down.

The off-campus plans aren’t much better, with them costing you at least $7.50 every pop.For that price there are a number of options that will deliver (Menna’s, Bell’s, whoever else pays for ads in here), or you can make food at home for a fraction of the price.Then you can drink your savings at the bar!

To an individual such as said corpulent, noisy face-hole, I would say if you’re consistently eating more than 21 full meals per week at the cafeteria, well, this may sound

Give a hoot: Don’t let your bank account be taken advantage of (middle-school shop-teacher-style), and stop buying meal plans for the cafs at Michigan State.

“This will be the first summer my younger brother and girlfriend are willing to drink with me.”-Brian, Junior

“I don’t know… probably lower my standards.” -Chelsea Senior


S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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Is It Really Worth It?

07

Phil keller wrote this I’ll be the first to admit that I am not a model student. I'm not always jazzed to go to class. I've had shitty professors and taken requirements that I will probably never use. I've bought books that I never opened once. But I've managed to do fairly well here, while also managing my intake of illicit substances at a healthy medium between recreational and problematic. Actually, I consider some of the lessons I've learned from those experiences to be far more valuable than the credits I've bought. That's what it's really about though, right? MSU is selling a product: It’s the promise of opportunities that would be unattainable without that coveted slip of paper. A piece of paper that is worth less and less each year, even as it gets more and more expensive to obtain. Look at it this way. In-state tuition for a freshman next fall with a basic meal plan and a double room will cost $7,867.50. That’s over $15,000 per year selecting the cheapest options possible at MSU. To put that into more relatable terms, here are some things you can buy with fifteen large ones: a lightly used Honda Civic, a Scarface-sized pile of cocaine, $1.75 million in WoW gold, 200 kegs, or a tasty burrito every day for about seven years. In the long term, we're talking at least $60,000 for the whole shebang (diploma), with none of those frills or extras – like gas money or groceries. If I had that kind of money, my WoW character could comfortably retire. Instead, he's going to have to work his ass off for the next ten years slaying creatures for a pittance, living pay chest to pay chest and retiring to a double-wide trailer in some goddamn swamp. What kind of life is that? At the same time, I've come to class hungover, tired, stoned, starving, and barely awake. I've walked straight to class after a dirty one-night stand, wearing my same clothes and, of course, shame. People still brag about how they passed a class without ever having to go. Considering that it costs you about $45 every time you skip, you might as well literally wipe your ass with that cash. Essentially, you'll end up paying over $3,000 for the privilege of downloading some slides. But if all of the necessary information is online, why come at all? The system has failed to provide any incentive to learn. How is it possible for a student in a Big Ten University to pass a class without attending it? And if this is the case, why are we paying the professors? If attendance is required, some of these rich little ingrates don't realize or care about the amount of money being invested in them. To them, paying attention to a two-hour lecture might as well be water boarding. These are the kinds of kids who would rather get a retweet than a 4.0. They

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gaze stupidly into a tiny screen, worried that if they don't post their pithy sarcastic remarks online right away, those gems would be lost forever (completely oblivious to the fact that they are wasting time, money, and opportunities not available to a majority of the planet). But they found a loophole. Even if attendance is mandatory, learning is still optional. That is unless you consider playing Words with Friends an opportunity to learn…you’re increasing your vocabulary? On top of all this, I know for a fact that MSU’s admission standards are too low because every time I'm assigned a group presentation, I get shackled to someone who needs their hand held through the rigorous task of putting PowerPoint slides together with an appropriate theme. If my classes require group discussions, it’s a good day when I can get more than a blank stare out of anyone. We have a system where effort is not required, and neither are the readings. It’s understandable to come to a university for a career instead of an education. Most people do. But while they’re here, they should be challenged and exposed to new experiences. They should be treated as an individual and not a product. They should be allowed to more freely explore their interests outside of course requirements. It would be convenient if I could place the blame on the student body, but people only deliver what you expect of them. Go Green! Go White! Go Mediocrity!


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The Bar Grid    

January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.  

THURSDAY: 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! SUNDAY: Half Off All Drinks, $3.00 Bloody Marys $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries Wednesday  Thursday  Friday  Saturday  Daily Specials: After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors $3.00 Mimosas   31  1  2  Monday 9pm-Close   DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  Global Village   $2.50 - PintsLight, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.00 Draft Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $2.50 – Call Drinks $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and TuesdayKamikazes! 9pm-Close $8.00 Burger and Draft Pint $3.50 Long Islands 6  7  8  9 

SPECIAL NIGHT

Cinco de Mayo Party! (5/5) $3 Tequila Shots $6 Margarita Pitchers $8 Margaritas w/ Coronita $3 Corona, $2 Sol free taco bar

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!

1/2 Off Almost Everything DJ Juan Trevino

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!

$3.50 Draft Pints $3.50 Little Black Dress Vodkas $3.00 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

BURGERAMA! 3pm-9pm BURGERS $1.50

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light For More Information Contact Us:     $3.50 Well Liquor (517) 351­2222   www.dublinsquare.net   DJ Beats

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour FREE TACO BAR $3 Corona, Sol, Land Shark Bottles $2 Rolling Rock Bottles $4 Loaded Land Shark Bottles $4 Dirty Corona Bottles $3 Shot Of Well Tequila & SoCo Limes $6 Margarita/Daiquiri Mini Pitchers

Friday Fish Fry $7.50 All you can eat fish fry!

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D

8 - Close $6 Mini Mixed Drink Pitchers $1 Off All Beers $3 Flavored Vodka Bombs $3 Soco Limes & Wash. Apples $3.50 23oz. Shock Top Beer

Take a break and come in!

$2.00 – Well Drinks           DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)           The Whirly Birds   $3.00 – Premium Drafts   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)     $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13  14  15  16  $2.00 – Domestic Drafts   DJ Beats (Front Bar)   DJ Beats (Front Bar)    $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  The Ice Boxers  $3.00 – Bombs   Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20  21  22  23                      $2.50 – Call Drinks                     DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  STAR FARM   Friday 9pm-Close    DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3.50 – All Pints   4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! $3.00 – Well Drinks Half Off All Drinks, Saturday 9pm-Close 27  28  29  30  $3.50 – All Pints $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries DJ Beats (Front Bar)            DJ Beats (Front Bar)                     $3.00 – Well Drinks After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors   DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)                    DJ Beats   Sunday All Day Light, Rolling $3.00 –Bloody Mary & MimosasRock Bottles $3.00 – Pints $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint$3.50  Long   Kamikazes! Islands Every Day   $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots      Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles

WED, 4/25 THURS, 4/26

4 - 7PM: 1/2 Off All Drinks All you can eat nachos! ½ Off –After Potato Skins 7PM: $3 Jack Daniels, Hush Puppies Onion Rings All&Pints and Drafts, SoCo Lime, and Kamikazes  

FRI, 4/27

Or Text: “Dublin Square” to  839863 for specials & updates.  

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SAT, 4/28

$3.50 Captain & Flavored Vodkas $3 SoCo Lime and Kamikazes $3 Domestic Bottles

SUN, 4/29

At home watching Game of Thrones...

$3.00 Bloody Marys $3.00 Mimosas $3.00 Draft Pints $8.00 Burger and Draft Pint

Sunday All Day $1 Off All Kraft Beers $3 23 oz Domestic Drafts

6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75

MON, 4/30

$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am: $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

Half-off all food, ALL DAY

TUES, 5/01

$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands

$2.50 Call Liquor $2.50 Draft Pints DJ Juan Trevino

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4.99 Burger Combo! 8pm – 2am: $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

Taco Tuesday Taco Trio with drink purchase, ALL DAY!

WED, 5/02

$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles

1/2 Off Almost Everything DJ Juan Trevino

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!


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The Bar Grid TUESDAY: 1/2 OFF NIGHT! LIVE BANDS AND ELECTRONIC DJ'S

FRIDAY: Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers

HAPPY HOUR! Mon - Fri, 4-7 1/2 Off Drinks and Drafts

congrats graduates! Great Specials All Day, All Night, Every Day, Every Night!

SPECIAL NIGHT

18+ Night! DJ SouthPaw and Special Guests New Menu!

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Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Mariners 7PM

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 4/25

3-8pm: BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5! NEW! 2 dart boards, 2 arcades, 2 pool tables, new menu & new hours 8-Close: LADIES NIGHT $3 u call it's, express entry & no cover 4 ladies

$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent Boneless Wings Tigers vs. Mariners 1PM

Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THUR, 4/26

Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Tigers vs. Yankees 7PM

TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 4/27 SAT, 4/28

Fish Fry Fridays 6-close

Perch n totts basket + Pitcher = $5!

Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men) $3 Double Wells, $2 Cans $3 Long Islands

Beer Fest! $1 PINTS 3-12am + $3.50 Pitchers 12-close All day! BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5 Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men)

Come Try East Lansing's Best Olive Burger

Come Watch Tigers vs. Yankees at 4PM!

$2 Pints $3 Calls

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!

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10

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Nickel and Diming Teddy Baum Cox wrote this I’m not ashamed to start this article by saying that I am a man of big testicles. In fact, they’re among the biggest in the land. However, I have come to realize that there’s only one group of people with bigger balls than me: Michigan State University’s administration. As students who are already burdened with ever-increasing tuition costs, the administration’s need to nickel and dime us for every lackluster service they attempt to provide is nothing short of sadistic. To make matters worse, every time you need to cut yet another check to the university,they list every one of these charges line by line on the bill. As if to say, “Yep, we actually charged you for this. What are you gonna do?” Well, guess what MSU— I actually looked into these charges, and I’ve got a few things to say. AOP Freshman Book - $10 MSU starts every new student off on the wrong foot by charging them for a book distributed in the goodie-bags at AOP. I attended orientation a short four years ago, and I can’t tell you what the hell that book was about, let alone the title. But if it were anything like the rest of AOP, it was probably a big, steaming waste of time. Did I ever have to read it for class? Did I ever read it at all? No, I completely forgot that it existed until I remembered that I had to pay for it. Matriculation and Energy Fee - $235 per semester For the first time in my career as a writer,I did some research: MSU charges almost $500/year for a “ma-

triculation and energy fee,”Can you guess which word I looked up? Matriculation means “admission to a group,” but this charge is supposed to cover the internet services and information systems students use, as well as the cost of electricity. What a crock of shit. If I am shelling out that much cash every semester, the least they could do is provide internet that’s fast enough to illegally download something before one of those geeks who monitor it notice. And why the hell are we paying for energy when not having to do so is one of the only reasons to live in the dorms anyway? ASMSU and FM Radio Tax - $21 I have no idea what ASMSU has actually done for me since being a student here except drain more of my finances and annoy me via email. My inbox is consistently flooded with messages about their poorly planned student activities for which I get taxed. To make matters worse, I realized that everyone also gets charged for a student radio station. My god, who even listens to the radio anymore? Hipsters? MSU’s tuition continues to rise while fewer and fewer classes are offered and students foot a significant portion of the university’s expenses. It’ll be kind of hard for “America’s future” to prosper post-graduation when so many will be paying off loans until retirement. MSU’s administration should take this into account before squeezing any more additional charges to our bills. And since they’re not going to refund us for any of these ridiculous

fees they managed to sneak onto our accounts,they could at least take all 36,000 undergraduate students to Cedar Point(on different days to avoid long lines, of course) to repay us. Heck, maybe Eli and Edythe Broad can help fund it…

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11

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender

of the

Week Nickname: El

blaming it on my roommate.

Major: Kinesiology

Have you ever gotten kicked out of a bar? Where?: I’m sure I have, but at that point I can’t remember where.

Relationship Status: Taken, but looking. Drink: Citron and soda Dare: Bar Mat- You take everything that has spilled into the bar mat and pour it into a shot. If you could have an exotic pet, what would it be and why?: I would have an elephant and have it spray water out of its trunk.

Ellen Dublin Square drinking game:

Fill in the blank. One time I got caught __________________.: Eating an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in my sleep and then

Thirty-One

Much like turning the amp up to eleven was critical to Spinal Tap’s success, playing Thirty-One is, like, ten times better than just playing blackjack. Also, there’s beer involved. What You Need: Beer, a deck of cards, basic math skills. Players: Two, but you should probably hit until you get three. Level of Intoxication: It’s like black-out blackjack. How to Play: - Like blackjack, the game has one dealer and several players. - A round begins with all players receiving three cards, two face-down and one face-up. - The cards are worth the number indicated on the face. Face cards are worth 10. Aces are worth 1 or 11. - The dealer circles around the table. Players must receive a card or knock. - If a player knocks, each other player has the opportunity to draw one more card. - Players reveal their cards. The player with the lowest total loses. - Any player that busts also loses. - Losers must drink an entire beer before they lose their next hand. - The deal is passed to the left before the next round begins. The Game Ends When: Someone gets hit for hitting one too many times.

Thirsty for More? theblacksheeponline.com

What’s the best pick-up line you’ve ever heard from a customer?: "Want to hear my new favorite pick-up line?” And then he pulls out duct tape and rips it. What’s the best advice you’ve ever gotten?: “The worst decisions make the best memories.” If aliens exist, what do they look like?: Khajiits from Skyrim What’s the worst job you’ve ever had?: Drywalling

Who would in in a fist fight, Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?: Barack “The Rock” Obama What would you do if you won the lottery?: Buy my own island! What’s your stripper name?: Joy Honey Creek Which kind of food are you most like and why?: Bread bowl, because it’s back. Turn-ons: Tall, dark, and really ripped. Turn offs: Any guy who talks about a woman like a piece of meat. Shout-outs: My Dublin crew and my baby Nolan!

recipe for disaster:

Candy Sushi

Sushi is one of the most fun foods to eat. There are hundreds of different types, and each is delicious. However, the fishy flavor of normal sushi isn’t for everyone. That is why we have taken sushi, removed everything fishy about it, and added tons and tons of sugar, something everybody can enjoy! What You’ll Need: Fruit Roll-Ups, Rice Krispies Treats, and any candy of your choice. Cook Time: Dos minutos. Fatty Factor: You’ll get one hell of a sugar high. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay out the Fruit Roll-Ups with the plastic still on. - Take your Rice Krispies Treats and lay them on the Fruit Roll-Ups like a layer of rice. - Here’s the fun part: add candy to your sushi. We suggest gummy worms and Swedish Fish. - Remove the wrapper, roll up your sushi, cut it into little bites, and voilà! Make this treat even more unhealthy for you by dipping it into some sides like chocolate or maple syrup. Hell, go for straight sugar like a true sugarfiend.


summer

blockbusted How movies that look so right

could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.

The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?

Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this… this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars universe, and Ridley It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the coldblooded Mark Zuckerberg. So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us megafrownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in

Scott is decidedly different from stuff-my-pants-so-fullwith-money-my-gunt-getspaper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, callbacks and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.

Gordon becomes a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.

The Campaign

Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:

movies that look crappy

but might just turn out okay Men in black 3

After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John

Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. to keep the film set in some sort of reality, the movie (Each character awkwardly quickly spirals to a dark place stares at the other for thirty rife with one-liner one-upmanseconds.) ship until the audience’s heads simultaneously explode. And It doesn’t work. Instead of having that’s bad for repeat viewings. a comparatively sane character

In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”

that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.

magic mike

This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”

The Amazing Spiderman Brave

this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.

Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not

cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.

rock of ages

Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.

ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.


the music page

what to expect at electric forest music festival With the school year wrapping up and summer nearly at our fingertips, festival season is like the Christmas of summertime, that is if Christmas lasted five days and happened every other weekend. The summer music festival scene reaches its apex in our backyard, with the Electric Forest Music Festival in Rothbury, Michigan. Though this year marks its fourth anniversary, the festival had a bumpy start when it was canceled after two years in 2010. Thankfully it returned in 2011 reborn, renamed and reenergized into a jam-band and electronic music hybrid festival that appeals to all ends of the music-lovers spectrum. Electric Forest is much more than an amazing five-day experience of celebrating music. It’s about being in the great outdoors with new and old friends, having amazing experiences and making unforgettable (or at least somewhat-hazy) memories. There’s free yoga in the afternoon, and glow-inthe-dark disc golf at dusk. There’s impressive hula-hoopers and hacky sackers galore, strange home-made contraptions around every corner just to trip you out, a seemingly infinite amount of glow sticks at your disposal and, if that all happens to bore you, an endless amount of eccentric The String Cheese Incident fans to keep the people-watching pastime entertaining. Did we mention the awe-inspiring beauty of the electric forest, an indescribable show of towering lit-up trees, captivatingly creative 3D fixtures, bizarre balls of lights hanging from who knows what and so much more that even the most sober will stay entertained? If that doesn’t make you squeal a little, then we’re not sure what will. Whether this is your first or fortieth music festival, Electric Forest is a unique experience that’ll stay with you forever. Here are some things to expect should you venture to this great experience:

Camping is No Joke: Camping at Electric Forest is about as barebones as it gets. You can’t have campfires, so don’t bring any food that needs to be cooked, but don’t forget that you can always splurge on some hot food inside the festival. Speaking of food, watch out for anything melting or spoiling in your car. You might only be there for four days, but ice melts in like, five hours, so check those plums you casually left in the backseat. Ice is available for sale at a hefty price and, depending on where you’re camping, it’s a bit of a walk to

get. And somehow, carrying 10 pounds of ice is a lot heavier than holding an adorable 10-pound puppy.

Become One With Walking: Speaking of walking, you best embrace it. The later you arrive at the festival, the farther away from the festival grounds you’ll be camping. This means you’ll be walking that much farther to get anywhere you need to go. Even if you’re towards the middle of camping it’s about 10 minutes to just get to the entrance of the festival, and once inside it’s a good half hour from front to back. But when it’s warm outside and you’re feeling good with your friends, the immense amount of walking should just become a part of the experience, instead of a death march to get to the fun. We’re not going to be like yo mama and tell you to wear “comfy, practical shoes” because we all know flip-flops are practically the most comfortable, the same ones we’ve been sporting for the past two summers. Bring an extra pair because it’d sure suck to lose yours in some mud, but if all else fails you can go barefoot to truly be one with nature.

Embrace the Weird: Last year it rained the first night, and wouldn’t it have been a damn shame if your adventuresome self hadn’t popped out of your shell, staying in your tent all night moaning about the weather? You’re a fool if you don’t bring a $5 poncho, so bust that puppy out, get ankle-deep in mud (see “bring an extra pair of flip-flops”) and see the bands you drove many, many hours for. The next day, when you’re inevitably dirty and sweaty, there’s alternatives to washing away the weird. There are some janky showers available for about $10, but there is also a lake that you can take a refreshing dip in. Is the lake a little dirty? It sure is, but it’ll

feel amazing after two days in heat, and it’s better than nothing. You’ll feel like a brand new person, and ready to rage for the rest of the weekend.

It’s All About the Music, Man: But no matter who you came here to see or what you wanted to do, everyone is at Electric Forest for one reason; to get fucked up and see awesome live music. The golden child of fun party music, DJ Girl Talk will grace the festival for the second time blending together 90s hits, rap, rock, techno and everything in between for our raging enjoyment. Diplo’s reggae party band Major Lazer is sure to bring their A-game to their first ever Electric Forest performance. One part hip-hop, one part reggae, all parts funky fun, not to mention their notoriously outrageous onstage performance, these guys will certainly wake up anyone who’s been zoning out. One of the more famous musicians you may have never heard of performing this year is English/ Canadian electronic-musician Richie Hawtin, who’s been creating minimal techno beats for over two decades, becoming an influential part of the Detroit techno scene (he grew up in Windsor, Ontario, the same place you puked out of a cab when you were 17). Do yourself a favor and check out this legend, who’ll surely put on an unforgettable set. A young buck who’s no stranger to the festival scene, MiM0SA’s experimental techno is just the thing to listen to if you aren’t sure if you want to get amped up or if you want to simply stare into some beautiful lights. He’s two parts fast paced and one part slowed-down vibes, creating just the right mixture to make everything okay. If you’re feeling like a chill pill is in order (and we don’t blame you one bit), Sound Tribe Sector 9 is blessing us with two performances this year. Go on and try to plan your vibed-out swaying with any other shows that you might want to check out because, though the settimes haven’t bet scheduled yet, STS9’s previous late-night shows have gone until the sun rises. Don’t you feel mellowed out already? Electric Forest Music Festival is June 28th - July 1st in Rothbury, Michigan. Tickets are on sale now at electricforestfestival.com.


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