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The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 6, Issue 13 4/11/12 - 4/18/12

theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep

Shape Up Or Ship Out, Spartan Ziev Beresh wrote this

You’re a college student, so I have a feeling that there are a few decaying Ts and Is in your backyard just waiting to be crossed and dotted. The end of the semester is drawing nigh, and it might be a good idea to tie up any loose ends before you kick back and relax, or work a low-paying job when summer hits. Even though I’m addressing you in the second person, I don’t actually know you or the areas of your life that you’ve been neglecting. But I do know that in order to have a fulfilling and complete semester, you need to devote special attention to getting a handle on your academic, social, and personal life. How do you do that? Read the next fuckin’ paragraphs. Academic Befriend some nerds: As you well know, there are usually between 10 and 500 people taking any given class along with you. So, why the hell have you been wasting time, energy, and brainpower going and studying when there are so many others doing the exact same thing? If you buddy up with a, how do you say— nerd, in each of your classes, you then have the collegiate equivalent of a trophy wife who will tutor you, possibly let you cheat off their paper, and fill you in so thoroughly that there’s no need to attend class. Go to your professor’s office hours: I’ll admit that college professors are among the most socially awkward human beings in existence, but you can’t hold it against them. If you were a goddamn genius, you’d also have a bunch of brilliant ideas bouncing around in your head, distracting you all the time. If you meet and have a real conversation with your professors, maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to overhear some of these beautiful epiphanies. Did you know that these people also hire research assistants who get paid big, tax-free bucks to do tasks as simple as sanding wood? You do now. Social “Spring clean” your social circle: Between AOP and today, imagine how many peers you’ve crossed paths with. Chances are, you’ve even exchanged phone numbers and become friends on Facebook. But now that it’s been over a year since the last time you’ve even annoyingly bumped into them on Grand River, let’s take out the trash. Delete contacts you don’t contact, defriend people you wouldn’t wish a happy birthday to in real life, and if you have some actual friends that are simply unpositive, unhealthy, or style-cramping, get rid of them too. Surround yourself with

Other stuff

Inside

the type of people who would co-star with you in a sitcom based on your own life. Personally Get that rockin’ bod: Summer’s coming up, so shit, shawty— it’s time to look good. Michigan consistently ranks amongst the pudgiest states, and Michigan State ranks amongst the most beautiful places to go for a jog. So do it. I’m sick of looking at your cellulite. You’re awful. Do that crush: Speaking of doing it, if there’s a person

While this is by no means an exhaustive list, is should be your motivation to get started smoothing out your semester. Go ahead and make it really, really smooth. Aw yeah, that’s it. Right there. You got it.

From an aspiring white rapper, $tud$scott. see page 5

we ponder what exactly that circular building is.

see page 4

The Christian Science Reading Room?

you’ve had your eye on and have never gathered the guts to make a move, make that move. That slow, gyrating move. You’ll be doing yourself and them a big favor; everyone will be happy; and you’ll get one more notch under your belt before buying a new one that’s more office-friendly. Who knows? Maybe it’ll even lead to something longer lasting. Like, longer than three minutes.

A Letter To Eminem

It's way too nice out to miss Maury and Jerry Springer!

see page 10

Stay Inside and Watch Television!


page three

pic of the week >>> the best things in life are free.

the second best are cheap drinks. download our free app for iphone and android spend less. get more. what's not to love?

Search: Black Sheep Mobile got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really. pics@theblacksheeponline.com

So... pretty productive semester, huh? Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

caption@theblacksheeponline.com

sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers Alison Brie & Vincent Cassel

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Absduction

Saran Fan I

Harm Enjoy

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

The alarming disappearance of a fat-come-recently-fit person amongst their group of fat loser friends. Pat’s absduction was swift, after he lost weight he spent much more time in pussy than in the gaming room.


04

THe top ten

Worst Ways to Start a Sentence 10) You probably had to be there, but… You know you’re in for a god-awful story when someone begins this way. Your best bet is to tune out immediately or come right out and say, “You’re probably right. I probably would have,” before walking away and farting in their face. 9) Not be racist, but… I don’t really like how those kinds of people smell. Well, not to be a politically correct bitch, but you can’t just say racist things and get away with it by prefacing them with that disclaimer. Even if those kinds of people do smell. 8) I started getting cold sores when…. Abreva commercials aren’t fooling anyone with their lowbudget actors trying to act like having a cold sore is socially acceptable. You can have your herpes and treat it too, but don’t go waving your medicated chapstick in all of our normal, non-herpes infested faces while you blab on about your disgusting STD-ridden whore mouths.

The Christian Science Reading Room: What Are You? Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this The Christian Science Reading Room is a modern mystery if there ever were one. Christianity? Science? What the hell kind of oxymoron is this? Perhaps a more appealing name that would draw in potential followers would be the “Christian Science Titty Ranch,” or “Christian Science Gorilla Fighting School,” or even the “Christian Science Orgasm Palace.” Really, from a marketing perspective, it would make the most sense to take out the entire phrase “Christian Science” from the title, as you’re more likely to scare people off with religion, but I was attempting to offer a fair compromise. The point is, this church needs to realize that religion just doesn’t sell the way a taco restaurant with dueling cowboy monkeys would. They’re going to have to make their inventory a little more interesting if they’re as committed to brainwashing naïve children as I think they are. Here’s what I mean:

Summary: Go back in time with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, as he travels through time. Through colorfully illustrated readings, your child will learn how Jesus tamed the dinosaurs and discovered electricity, while Ben Franklin was just a charismatic drunk and adulterer.

The Tricks of the Trade By Kathy Brandford Publisher: Kuntz Publishing Call Number: I81-U812 Subject: Magic, Essay Summary: Discover the biology behind the New Testament’s miracles. Did you know that the virgin birth was actually one of the earliest forms of at-home, artificial insemination? Learn how to feed five thousand people with nothing more than five rolls, two fish, and some very discreet caterers from Così! Be able to cure lepers with your own urine (we think, maybe). Bonus: impress your family and friends by learning how to turn water into watered-down wine in a fun and kid-friendly rainy day experiment. All you need are jugs of water, jugs of wine, and some gullible children!

We Are Not the Same: Christian Science vs. Scientology By Christopher Handy Publisher: S&M Publishing Available: Non-fiction Call Number: 36-24-36 Summary: This textbook educates the newly-anointed follower about the vast differences between Scientology and Christian Science. You’ll learn how Scientology is just a fascist, made-up religion endorsed by hippies and Hollywood bigwigs, while uncovering the finer features of Christian Science. Don’t worry, you won’t find any teachings about aliens in a space opera. That’s only for morons. Or Scientologists.

Jesus, the Explorer By Peter Poder Publisher: Penguin Publishers Call Number: 867-5309 Subject: Children, Historical Non-Fiction

Just Say No: When Medicines are Too Tempting By Jerome Rogers Publisher: Christian Fellowshit Call Number: JGWNT-877 Subject: Health, Remedies, Knock-Knock Jokes Summary: Christian Scientists do not believe in modern medicine. Surgery, ibuprofen,and tummy tucks are completely taboo! Inside you’ll find free home-remedies like the often hit or miss, “Pray the Pain Away”or “Think About Being Nailed to the Cross and How Much Worse That Would Be.”

My innermost fantasies aside, one thing’s for sure— if you’re feeling mislead or unsure about your religious upbringing and are seeking guidance, I’d steer clear of this place (which I’m sure you already do if you have any common sense). But if you insist on visiting, whether you’re a curious passerby or a former member of the MSU Christian Fellowship who was kicked out for accidentally looking at a cigarette, there is one thing you can count on if you choose to visit: You’ll be even more confused when you leave.

7) I wouldn’t call it a fetish, but… Yeah, I suppose that’s really all you can call it. Sentences that start this way are bound to be spoken by perverts and weirdos who like to pee on people and wear masks when they bang. 6) I’ve never told anyone this, but… Dear god, get out while you still can. What’s that? You just remembered it’s your grandma’s funeral and you need to give the eulogy? Perfect. Go now. Although this sentence could potentially end on a good note, it more often tends to be a person’s deepest and darkest secret. And trust me, you’re better off not knowing that the James who just put his hand near your downstairs used to be Jamie, your babysitter. 5) I can’t tell if that’s a boy or a girl, but… Coming in a close race with mistaking a not pregnant woman with a pregnant one, accidentally confusing one’s gender to their face is an awkward moment that’s not easy to bounce back from. So, just think—don’t say. Butch girls have feelings too. 4) I can’t remember the punch-line exactly, but… Usually a disclaimer given by old people because they’re old and no longer have the ability to remember things that aren’t absolutely essential to their survival a long time ago. This is once again an instance that forces you to use your instincts: Fight (through it) or flight (get the hell out before they end up on a rant about the Vietnam War). 3) I don’t know for sure, but… This is basically just another way to say, “What I’m about to say is most likely bullshit, but...” Like, c’mon, if you don’t know for fucking sure, don’t waste my time. I assure you Google will know. 2) I can’t pay you back today, but… Surprise, surprise—Deadbeat Denny asked you out to dinner (to Denny’s) and then “forgot” his wallet after he ordered three milkshakes. God Denny, you’re so disgusting. The only thing anyone can count on you for is to let them down. 1) I hate to do this to you, but… What a cop-out. This really hurts me, but I’m still going to do it because it benefits me. Seriously, I promise it hurts me more than it hurts you to leave you with the kids while I sail around the world on my yacht.

bailey walsh wrote this


www.theblacksheeponline.com

A Letter From An Aspiring White Rapper to Eminem alex everard wrote this

Dear Eminem,

There’s always the sober, misunderstood genius role to play though, right? WRONG. Thanks again, Marshall. Why don’t you make some more songs with Rihanna and record yet another epic comeback album? Fuck it, since you’re off drugs, spend some time going halve-sies on a

If you had to give yourself a porno name, what would it be?

"Krystal Chandelier" - Crystal , Junior

moon-colony with Jay-Z, and you guys can finish writing Detox in space for Dr. Dre. Don’t you see what you’ve done, Slim Shady? You were the first great white rapper. And, in doing so, you’ve fucked the rest of us royally. Why couldn’t you be more like Steve Nash? Why couldn’t you have just stopped after The Eminem Show or even Relapse? Why did you have to be so damn good at being broke and angst-y, then rich and high, then refreshing and sober? You always talked about losing it on your songs…and I wish you actually would. I went to a rap battle in Detroit the other day. No one cared that I was white. I even wore a wife beater, like you did. My more “urban” peers just said, “The early 2000s called and they want their racial stereotypes back.” How am I supposed to break onto the scene based on skill alone? There’s no shock value anymore. Don’t you see what you’ve forced us more “suburban” rappers to do? I’m honestly meeting with my agent today to decide whether to call my next single “Frat Raps and Snapbacks” or “Weed Napz.” Fuck me, right?

"i went to a rap battle in detroit the other day. my more urban peers just said, 'the early 2000s called and they want their racial stereotypes back.'"

Hey, it’s all good though. I can just go for that “drugged-out rap star” image. Oh wait, no. I fucking can’t because you already did that too. Yeah, and considering you actually freakin’ DIED from a drug overdose only to be brought back to life, I don’t think it’s safe for me to even try to compete with you in this realm.

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

- Logan, Junior

Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. Let’s start with street credibility. Due to my background, I couldn’t even consider branding myself as a rebellious, white trash, rapidfire lyricist. I’m conformist, I’m classy, and I enunciate slowly. In the old days,you destroyed the competition at rap battles while holding a 40 oz. and then went back to your trailer after the show to fight with your wife and struggle to raise your child. I know all this because you rapped about it.

But it doesn’t stop there. I can’t be a walking political firestorm to gain attention from the media either. Ever since you caused controversy for being homophobic, continued to record homophobic songs, but then somehow got Elton John, the “Queen Elizabeth” of the gay community, to perform YOUR song with you at the Grammys, I have a small hunch that I’d be dwarfed in comparison. Plus, Obama is president now. If I tried taking shots at the White House, it would look a little racist, but mainly just awkward and unnecessary. And not much rhymes with Obamacare.

From 'da Streets

"Reverend Curtis Buck"

My name is Scott Stevenson. Better known to my 34 non-familial fans as the up-and-coming hip-hop sensation, “$tud $cott.” I’m writing because I have a bit of a bone to pick with you over the implications your career choices have on the rest of us. By the “rest of us,” I mean other white dudes who want to become rappers. For the purposes of expressing my current emotional state to you, let me ask you this—what the fuck, man?

Meanwhile, I’m 23 and live in a suburb called Walnut Ridge. I don’t even have to babysit my six-year-old cousin on a regular basis! My freezer is full of pizza rolls, and everyone in my nuclear family has a Sam’s Club membership.

09

Discouraged and useless, $tud$cott

"The Rectifying Column" - Tom, Senior


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yolo? Just Shut up

07

Teddy Baum Cox wrote this A plague of incredibly shitty sayings and catchphrases has overtaken social media. Wise and charming proverbs like, “You can lead a horse to water…” have been replaced by a cacophony of unoriginal phrases that make me lose faith in humanity’s capacity to think independently. It’s become so bad that you can’t scroll through your newsfeed without stumbling over one of these gems of dipshittery, and I for one am sick of it. So let me jump down your throat for a minute and try to stop you from committing grammatical homicide. It’s time to put these overused catchphrases to bed. “You only live once” or “YOLO” There’s a special place in my cold, black heart for this blood-curdling line. The stupidity of “YOLO” is outrageous because pretty much anything that isn’t a cat, zombie, or Hindu is only going to live once. Why people see this as necessary to announce to the world, I’ll never know. Going out on a Wednesday night is not a daring move, and the only time I’d accept YOLO is if it were used to justify smoking meth, or moving to Antarctica, or refusing to pay child support so that you can buy a jet-ski. Sleeping with a five doesn’t cut it. “Everything happens for a reason” Thank you, Captain Buttmunch, for explaining to me the basics of cause and effect. Most often posted by a person who’s experienced a major failure in life, this catchphrase offers comfort to those with the idea that there’s a higher being with a grand plan just for them. Here is my interpretation: You failed—end of story. Maybe if you didn’t sleep around behind your significant other’s back, or put “functioning alcoholic” on your resume, things might have gone the other way. “It seems like just yesterday we were freshmen :(” Unless you have Alzheimer’s, or today is actually the day after your freshman year ended, this isn’t possible. Freshman year for many seniors was four, five, or even six years ago, and for most of us, a lot of shit has happened since then: Relationships, hospital visits, drunken nights of sex, terrible hand jibbers, and, most likely, a lot of regretful actions. So, I assure you, it doesn’t seem like yesterday.

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The Bar Grid    

January 2010 Happy Hour: Monday – Friday 3-6pm. $2.00: Domestic Pints $2.50: Well Drinks ½ Off: Potato Skins, Onion Rings, and Hush Puppies.  

THURSDAY: 4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! SAT: $3.50 Pints of Half Off All Drinks, Coors Lt, Miller Lite, $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries Wednesday  Thursday  Friday  Saturday  Daily Specials: After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light   31  Labatt Blue 1  Monday 9pm-Close   DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  Global Village   $2.50 - PintsLight, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $2.50 – Call Drinks $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and TuesdayKamikazes! 9pm-Close DJ Donnie D $3.50 Long Islands 6  7  8 

SAT: An Evening w/ Chris Tapper Invisible Illnesses Benefit Show $4 Dbl Wells, $2 Kamikaze Shots $4 23oz Drafts, $2.50 Spartan Beers Check Our FB For Tickets!

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!

1/2 Off Almost Everything DJ Juan Trevino

Wings vs. Predators at 8PM! 4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!

$3.50 Draft Pints $3.50 Little Black Dress Vodkas $3.00 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D

Tigers vs. Rays at 1PM! 4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

BURGERAMA! 3pm-9pm BURGERS $1.50

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light For More Information Contact Us:     $3.50 Well Liquor (517) 351­2222   www.dublinsquare.net   DJ Beats

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour FREE TACO BAR $3 Corona, Sol, Land Shark Bottles $2 Rolling Rock Bottles $4 Loaded Land Shark Bottles $4 Dirty Corona Bottles $3 Shot Of Well Tequila & SoCo Limes $6 Margarita/Daiquiri Mini Pitchers

Friday Fish Fry $7.50 All you can eat fish fry!

$3.50 Pints of Coors Lt, Miller Lite, Labatt Blue Light $3.50 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D

SAT: An Evening w/ Chris Tapper Invisible Illnesses Benefit Show $4 Dbl Wells, $2 Kamikaze Shots $4 23oz Drafts, $2.50 Spartan Beers Check Our FB Page eFor Tickets!

Take a break and come in!

SUN, 4/15

At home cheering on the Wings and the Tigers!

$3.00 Bloody Marys $3.00 Mimosas $3.00 Draft Pints $8.00 Burger and Draft Pint

Sunday All Day $1 Off All Kraft Beers $3 23 oz Domestic Drafts Wings vs. Predators 12PM! Tigers vs. White Sox 2PM!

6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75

MON, 4/16

$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers

$2 Bottles of Miller Lite, Coors Lt, Labatt Blue Light $2 Wells

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am: $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

Half-off all food, ALL DAY

TUES, 4/17

$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands

$2.50 Call Liquor $2.50 Draft Pints DJ Juan Trevino

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour $4.99 Burger Combo! 8pm – 2am: $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestic Drafts $3.50 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

Taco Tuesday Taco Trio with drink purchase, ALL DAY!

WED, 4/18

$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles

1/2 Off Almost Everything DJ Juan Trevino

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

1/2 OFF Wednesday Half-off all food, ALL DAY!

SPECIAL NIGHT

9  $2.00 – Well Drinks           DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)           The Whirly Birds   $3.00 – Premium Drafts   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  DJ Minze (Back Bar)     $4.00 - Irish Car Bombs Wednesday 9pm-Close 13  14  15  16  $2.00 – Domestic Drafts   DJ Beats (Front Bar)   DJ Beats (Front Bar)    $2.50 – Well Drinks DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  The Ice Boxers  $3.00 – Bombs   Thursday 9pm-Close $2.50 – Pints 20  21  22  23                      $2.50 – Call Drinks                     DJ Beats (Front Bar)  DJ Beats (Front Bar)  STAR FARM   Friday 9pm-Close    DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)  $3.50 – All Pints   4 - 8PM: Burger Bash! $3.00 – Well Drinks Half Off All Drinks, Saturday 9pm-Close 27  28  29  30  $3.50 – All Pints $1 Burgers, $1 Waffle Fries DJ Beats (Front Bar)            DJ Beats (Front Bar)                     $3.00 – Well Drinks After 8PM: $2.50 Miller Lite, Coors   DJ Minze (Back Bar)   DJ Minze (Back Bar)                    DJ Beats   Sunday All Day Light, Rolling $3.00 –Bloody Mary & MimosasRock Bottles $3.00 – Pints $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and $8.00 – Burger, Fries & Pint$3.50  Long   Kamikazes! Islands Every Day   $3.00 – Kamikaze Shots      Dublin Square Irish Pub $4.00 – Pinnacle Bombs 327 Abbott Rd East Lansing MI 48823 9pm – Close Every Day

$2.50 Bottles of Bud & Bud Light $3 Rumpleminz White Gummy Bears $2 Well Drinks or $4 Doubles

WED, 4/11 THURS, 4/12

4 - 7PM: 1/2 Off All Drinks All you can eat nachos! ½ Off –After Potato Skins 7PM: $3 Jack Daniels, Hush Puppies Onion Rings All&Pints and Drafts, SoCo Lime, and Kamikazes  

FRI, 4/13

Or Text: “Dublin Square” to  839863 for specials & updates.  

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FRIDAY: Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Sunday - Friday: $1.00 off ALL tall Drafts, $3 Smirnoff® flavors, Crown Royal®, Captain Morgan®, Jack Daniel’s®, SoCo®, Jameson Irish Whiskey® & $2 Select Shots PLUS $3 select appetizers

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Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Wings Playoff Game 1 8PM! Tigers vs. Rays 1PM

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

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WED, 4/11

3-8pm: BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5! NEW! 2 dart boards, 2 arcades, 2 pool tables, new menu & new hours 8-Close: LADIES NIGHT $3 u call it's, express entry & no cover 4 ladies

$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings

Tigers vs. Rays 1PM

Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THUR, 4/12

Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Wings vs. Predators 8PM! Tigers vs. White Sox 2PM

TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 4/13 SAT, 4/14

Fish Fry Fridays 6-close

Perch n totts basket + Pitcher = $5!

Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men) $3 Double Wells, $2 Cans $3 Long Islands

Beer Fest! $1 PINTS 3-12am + $3.50 Pitchers 12-close All day! BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5 Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men)

Come Try East Lansing's Best Olive Burger

Come Watch Tigers vs. White Sox at 4PM

$2 Pints $3 Calls

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It’s a Beautiful Day For Staying Inside and Watching Television! justin gawel wrote this If you need an argument for being a stay-at-home dad there’s none more convincing than the bountiful offerings of daytime television. As a job,being a house husband replaces fortune, glamour, and fame with pacifiers, diapers, and— dammit, Josiah, eat your fucking Cheerios or I’m dropping you off at a textile mill instead of school today. Anyways, what the job lacks in glitz, it more than makes up for in nap taking, bathrobe wearing, not showering, and of course, daytime TV. Ahh, finally. The kid is at school and you have the house to yourself. We baby-wearing men might not be 24-hour party people, but we do have the next eight hours to binge on some gloriously trashy television. Usually, the only things on at nine o’clock are news shows, so if you feel like going back to bed— or need a quick jerk-sesh, now would be the ideal time. I usually watch a bit of the Today Show so I can catch a glimpse of Al’s Ra-Ra-Ra-Roker face. Before you know it, eleven o’clock has rolled around, which means that your window for being absolutely enthralled over the cost of home gyms and new appliances has just opened wide. Yup, it’s time for The Price is Right. Nothing brings out the warrior DNA in a father’s blood more than screaming at a senile fuck over how wrong they are at the price of vitamins. As a bonus, you get to hope for a disaster every time an old woman plays a pricing game that is remotely physical, or a fat guy waddles up the shaky Plinko stairs. Once the Showcase Showdown ends and you watch some fat,

middle-aged man cry over winning a camper, it’s time to switch over to Jeopardy!. This show is a self-esteem boost every time. If you get one or two questions that the contestants miss (even if you miss everything else) you can then rationalize how much smarter a stay-at-home dad is than a physicist who doesn’t know that Sasha Fierce and Beyonce are one and the same. If you think you’re smart now, wait until “Teacher’s Week” as you flex your intellectual prowess over teachers who barely take home more than welfare recipients. How dumb America’s educators are. My kids are screwed. Finally, it’s time for afternoon talk shows! My personal favorites are Jerry Springer and Maury: The one-two punches of trashy, poor people that are laugh-riots for anyone who watches. Jerry specializes infights, while Maury specializes in dropping more bombshells than NATO did in Libya. These shows are at their best when the paternity test reveals that “you are not the father,” followed by a triumphant hooting and hollering from the guy while the mother tears up and second guesses most of her decisions as a young adult. Meanwhile, you can sit back and laugh at the horrible mess they’ve made of their lives…though I do wonder what mine would look like had I achieved, I mean, gotten, the same paternity test result as Ernesto. After all this exciting programming, you may need a post-climax cigarette to calm your nerves. Brush your teeth, shower, and remember to place the cancer sticks back in the toolbox so your bread winning wife doesn’t realize that you’ve been

charging Marlboros to her Amex when you go to pick up the baby formula. Nothing left to do now but cuddle up with a long block of courtroom TV filled with people representing and embarrassing themselves nationally. That, or you finish out the day heckling Ellen DeGeneres and the jokes she thinks she’s making. Woops! It’s already almost three o’clock. Time to sling-up the baby and retrieve the other child from that germ-infested elementary school. I think I’ll make couscous for dinner.

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Bartender

of the

Week

Becca

rrel Peanut Ba

Nickname: Bubba or Becs Major: Classical Archaeology Relationship Status: Taken Shot: Any bombs from Peanut Barrel Drink: Cherry Apple Soda Dare: Anything with Cuervo If you were a dinosaur, what kind of dinosaur would you be and why: A Brontosaurus so I could let other animals slide down my neck like a slide. What reality TV show would you compete on: Worst Cooks in America Describe your dream date: Spending the day at Disney World complete with fireworks at the end of the night. What was your favorite childhood toy: I still have my favorite stuffed animal—a stuffed cat.

drinking game:

Drunk Easter Egg Hunt

You get a free pass to punch any celebrity in the face, who's getting slugged: Tom Cruise—I don't like him and he's not attractive. What's your favorite Disney movie: Little Mermaid If your life were a porno, what would it be called: Throw Me on the Pool Table What has been your most embarrassing moment since college: Probably getting cut off at the bar I work at. Do you have any hidden talents: Making jewelry. Turn-ons: Hoodies and wife beaters. Turn-offs: Smoking and arrogance. Shoutouts: My sister Meghan, her soon-to-be baby, and my boyfriend Brian.

recipe for disaster:

Popcorn Puppy Chow

Easter may be over, but you still have a shit ton of those eggs left. “Why did the Easter egg hide?” Many of you may have once thought it was because, “He was a little chicken.” Wrong. That Easter egg is hiding because you are about to chuck him at somebody’s car while ridiculously hammered. In response to your desperate cries to get those awful pastel eggs out of your apartments, we offer you this wild egg hunt that will leave you spinning.

We’ve put a spin on the recipe and added popcorn! As if the world’s greatest snack couldn’t get any better, the addition of popcorn to puppy chow is the greatest addition to a classic concoction since whiskey was added to Coke. Popcorn puppy chow also provides another perfect way to take the random crap you call your “groceries” and make them into something actually appetizing.

What You’ll Need: Eggs, markers, and lots of alcohol. Number of People: As many Jesus-loving folks that you can find. Level of Intoxication: D.R.U.N.K!

What you’ll need: Popcorn, chocolate, peanut butter, ½ stick of butter, powdered sugar. Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The only thing semi-healthy about this is the popcorn, and even that’s a stretch. Let’s Get Poppin': -Pop some popcorn (rule of thumb: kettle corn is for bitches). -Microwave chocolate, peanut butter, and butter until melted. Stir that shit up. -Ooze your chocolate-peanut-buttery goop all over your popcorn until evenly coated. -Add powdered sugar and mix around until everything turns white. -Grab a handful, stuff your face and be shameless with it.

How to Play: -The designated “Easter Bunny” writes drinks on slips of paper and puts them inside plastic Easter eggs. Drinks are up to the Easter Bunny, but can range from shots, double shots, beer shotguns, beer bongs, etc. (Have fun with this; the players are your bitches, and you can make them do whatever you want for a whole round.) - The eggs are dispersed around the designated game boundaries (apartment, frat house, etc). - Once the eggs are dispersed, the players run around finding the eggs and drinking as much as the eggs say. - Once players find an egg and do the drinking task, they can chuck the egg at someone and get them “out,” thus eliminating the competition and maximizing their drinking opportunities. The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone and the last player standing then becomes the Easter Bunny. The game can be played repeatedly all day, but players are advised to keep the number of games to a minimum, unless money for an ambulance ride is readily available.

Thirsty for More?

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The next thing you know, popcorn puppy chow will be a staple at movie theaters across the country. However, knowing the way movie theaters price their food, this delicious concoction will surely cost you nothing short of an arm, a leg, and a fair amount of dignity. Because of this, we advise you to make it while it’s cheap and delicious.


The Movie Page titanic 3d

Based on the Trailer

April 2012

This is, like, the best movie I’ve ever seen. Directed by

James Cameron

starring

Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet

GRADE A++ mike benson wrote this James Cameron (Director of Avatar and True Lies) has succeeded in creating one of the most exciting, dramatic, and effective pieces of filmmaking in recent memory. I'm not ashamed to say that immediately after viewing James Cameron’s Titanic I walked out to my car, reclined the seat back, and wept for forty five minutes in the fetal position. If this film does not win, like, eleven Academy Awards then I just don’t know what to believe anymore. The film begins with Brock Lovett (Played by Bill Paxton, who, for his age, I must say is looking pretty damn good), a treasure hunter who is searching for “The Heart of The Ocean,” a giant diamond which was rumored to have sunk with the Titanic eighty years before. Brock only manages to find a drawing of a naked Kate Winslet wearing the Heart of The Ocean. An old woman with a face like a regal fruitcake announces that she is the woman in the picture, and proceeds to tell her story of her time on the Titanic (As old people are wont to do). The next three quarters of the movie feature one of the best young romances in movie history. Sure, naysayers will say that Jack and Rose are an older-than-time-itself “lady and the tramp” style love story intermixed with various eth-

on dvd

nic stereotypes, but they just don’t believe in love. The film finally picks up when the ship hits an iceberg, begins to sink, and a man is shown falling off the ship and hitting a propeller on the way down. One aspect of this film which completely baffles me, which has nothing to with the film itself but with its critical reaction, is the way that critics seem to focus primarily on the fact that Titanic is in 3D. Reviews from critics and friends all mention things like, “Why did James Cameron decide to make Titanic in 3D?” or, “Cameron’s decision to bring Titanic to the 3D screen was one of is wisest decisions.” Why is this the only thing you’re focusing on!? Here we have a beautiful film with tremendous acting, a classic love story, a wonderful soundtrack (Featuring a song by Celine Dion, who, until I heard her music in Titanic, I had in the “Where are they now?” file), and great direction from Cameron. The 3D isn’t important here, people. Sure, when the falling guy hit the propeller the 3D really made him pop out, but we should really be focusing on how good this story is. I feel like one of the unsung heros of this film has got to be Tina Earnshaw, the make-

up artist for the film. I mean, really, holy shit, Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet really look like they are in their early twenties here. I was completely amazed. No matter how many scientifically accurate shots of sinking ships you have, how many special effects you use, or how many falling men hitting propellers you have in your movie, nothing will be able to compare to the superb makeup job on Kathy Bates in this film. Due in part to her fine work, the love story between young Jack and Rose is one of the most magical movie romances since Ingrid and Bogey. Now I don’t want to give away the ending, but their love is one that they truly never let go. Oh God, I hope Mac keyboards are waterproof! I really can’t believe that more people aren’t buzzing about this movie. It literally has everything: Boobs, gore, action, romance, Leo, King Theoden (as the ship’s captain), enormous and expensive jewels, I could go on and on. And let me just say that this is the perfect date movie, because while the women are enamored by the intense action and massive body counts, the men can be swept off their feet by the timeless beauty of doomed star-crossed lovers. *Sigh*

tiantic trivia

april 13

Starring: Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, Sofia Vergara What You Need to Know: The Farrelly brothers are back, directing, writing and producing this remake of the famed comedy act The Three Stooges, set in modern time but with the same stupid slapstick bullshit. What We Think: Maybe The Three Stooges were more relatable back in the 30s or something, but we've got cat memes and Snooki to entertain us now. This movie just looks awful, and you know it's bad when they have a lead character resembling Jim Carrey but actually seems way more annoying. Looks like this movie is gonna suck the big one.

Chimpanzee

april 20

Starring: Oscar, an adorable baby chimp; narrated by Tim Allen What You Need to Know: This documentary tell us the story of Oscar, a baby chimpanzee. Showcasing his intelligence and incredibly adorable personality, we see how Oscar's chimp family gets down in the craziness that is the wild forest. What We Think: Thank you, Disney, for making a wonderfully beautiful (HD nature!) and entertaining (cute baby animals!) IMAX film just in time for 4/20, which is also Earth Day, you guys. Just try to keep the giggles to a minimum and grab some popcorn to cover up the stank, and you'll be fine next to all the families that are also watching this film.

answers are a few from here

April 17

The Five-Year Engagement april 27

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol Shame IMAX: Born to Be Wild

April 24 Contraband Crime After Crime The Innkeepers Pariah

The Three Stooges

Leo and Kate shared the screen again in 2008 in this movie we heard was about a boring couple…

Kate starred in this indie flick with Jim Carrey, where they were lovers, or were they?

T.I.A. is a famous line from which of Leo’s films?

Old Rose, played by Gloria Stuart, got her start in Street of Women, which came out in what year?

Starring: Emily Blunt, Jason Segel What You Need to Know: This Judd Apatow-produced comedy is about a couple's relationship as it unfolds during a bumpy five-year engagement, including moving cities, climates and, of course, emotions. What We Think: Judd Apatow + Jason Segel + rom com = good enough. Though this film definitely teeters on the border of "Aww, kind of cheesy" and "Oh my gosh, I think I might barf," we all know it'll still be entertaining. We won't be rushing to the theaters for this, but we'll line it up for a hungover Sunday with a few mimosas.


Parents say the

Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.

darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”

And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?”   “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all

showing off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.

LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino Gain the money Oprah Doe!

“I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”

“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.

Drake- “The Motto”

Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”

Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this -  living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”

“This song is definitely about drug use.”

Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.

“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in southern

owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming 

“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.”   “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The disco ball is hang-

ing from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.

Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it.

“This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “

Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.

Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care.

“I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.” Verdict: Neither do we.


the riddle

Send your answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. If you're right, you'll win a sweet prize!


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TBS Responds to Hate Mail black betty wrote this

Dear The Black Sheep, You guys are scum. I can’t believe you call yourselves journalists, let alone writers, let alone human beings. Every time I pass by your stands on Grand River or outside the CATA station, I quiver with disgust at the filth you churn out week after week. My first experience reading the paper sent me into a near-brain aneurism from the disgust I felt after seeing the words “whiskey dick” and Mother Theresa barely three words apart. Remind me to send the anthrax-laced hospital bill to your corporate office. In addition to your rhetoric, I loathe the sight of your logo. Your sheep is black because it’s possessed by the devil. After reading articles by Black Betty and Teddy Baum Cox that consisted of nothing more than rants regarding the vile things they’ve learned from watching pornography, or their review of prophylactic devices, I had to close my legs tight and beg that Jesus would forgive me for being such a curious kitty-cat. How does your staff sleep at night knowing they’re infecting East Lansing’s youth with vulgarity and sin? Maybe you should spend more time writing articles that will benefit others, rather than hating on the nice people over at The State News, the University of Michigan, and P.A.C.E. Your material is old, overused and pathetic, like Ellen DeGeneres. But at least she can dance! I recommend that your staff start writing about relevant, current topics like the state budget crisis, how to make a nice Lenten breakfast, or a profile on the longest surviving veteran of the Korean War. I suggest your publication shape up or ship out, because nobody wants to read Satan-inspired words and ideas about how to seduce your T.A. Grow up, you heathens! -Ashamed Spartan Student

Dear A.S.S, We know it’s easy to hate us. We’re very hateable people. Kinda like the popular kids at school, the president of the United States, and the parents who shoved all that religion down your throat. We don’t call ourselves “journalists” because that would insult the world of journalism; we never do any fact checking. But we do call ourselves writers, simply because we entertain and delight people with our insaaanely correct grammar while incorporating the words, “queefs,” “pizza,” and “nipples” in the same sentence. We’re just trying to live up to the standards of history’s most famous writers as this classic excerpt from George Orwell’s 1984 exemplifies: “After dismounting Winston, Julia emitted a deafening, pizza-licious queef that aroused Winston such that his nipples hardened while his brain flooded with hormones and erotic fantasies. It was this rush of emotion that allowed the Thought Police to locate and capture him.” We want to infect our readers’ brain-sauce with wacky ideas, unique yet relatable perspectives, and the encouragement to be more outlandish than a poop sundae before they enter the “civilized society” you embrace so very much. I should remind you that this is the same society that gave a reality show to that mom who murdered her own child and got away with it: Casey-style. So, A.S.S., if it’s an apology you are looking for, I guess that’s the least we can give you, seeing as how our gift of humor was so rudely rejected. Actually, no—our apology is contingent on receiving another letter of apology from you. Please include a gift certificate to Denny’s forthwith. Fondle-ly, The Black Sheep

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