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The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 13 4/11/12 - 4/18/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
Shape Up Or Ship Out, Spartan Ziev Beresh wrote this
You’re a college student, so I have a feeling that there are a few decaying Ts and Is in your backyard just waiting to be crossed and dotted. The end of the semester is drawing nigh, and it might be a good idea to tie up any loose ends before you kick back and relax, or work a low-paying job when summer hits. Even though I’m addressing you in the second person, I don’t actually know you or the areas of your life that you’ve been neglecting. But I do know that in order to have a fulfilling and complete semester, you need to devote special attention to getting a handle on your academic, social, and personal life. How do you do that? Read the next fuckin’ paragraphs. Academic Befriend some nerds: As you well know, there are usually between 10 and 500 people taking any given class along with you. So, why the hell have you been wasting time, energy, and brainpower going and studying when there are so many others doing the exact same thing? If you buddy up with a, how do you say— nerd, in each of your classes, you then have the collegiate equivalent of a trophy wife who will tutor you, possibly let you cheat off their paper, and fill you in so thoroughly that there’s no need to attend class. Go to your professor’s office hours: I’ll admit that college professors are among the most socially awkward human beings in existence, but you can’t hold it against them. If you were a goddamn genius, you’d also have a bunch of brilliant ideas bouncing around in your head, distracting you all the time. If you meet and have a real conversation with your professors, maybe you’ll even be lucky enough to overhear some of these beautiful epiphanies. Did you know that these people also hire research assistants who get paid big, tax-free bucks to do tasks as simple as sanding wood? You do now. Social “Spring clean” your social circle: Between AOP and today, imagine how many peers you’ve crossed paths with. Chances are, you’ve even exchanged phone numbers and become friends on Facebook. But now that it’s been over a year since the last time you’ve even annoyingly bumped into them on Grand River, let’s take out the trash. Delete contacts you don’t contact, defriend people you wouldn’t wish a happy birthday to in real life, and if you have some actual friends that are simply unpositive, unhealthy, or style-cramping, get rid of them too. Surround yourself with
Other stuff
Inside
the type of people who would co-star with you in a sitcom based on your own life. Personally Get that rockin’ bod: Summer’s coming up, so shit, shawty— it’s time to look good. Michigan consistently ranks amongst the pudgiest states, and Michigan State ranks amongst the most beautiful places to go for a jog. So do it. I’m sick of looking at your cellulite. You’re awful. Do that crush: Speaking of doing it, if there’s a person
While this is by no means an exhaustive list, is should be your motivation to get started smoothing out your semester. Go ahead and make it really, really smooth. Aw yeah, that’s it. Right there. You got it.
From an aspiring white rapper, $tud$scott. see page 5
we ponder what exactly that circular building is.
see page 4
The Christian Science Reading Room?
you’ve had your eye on and have never gathered the guts to make a move, make that move. That slow, gyrating move. You’ll be doing yourself and them a big favor; everyone will be happy; and you’ll get one more notch under your belt before buying a new one that’s more office-friendly. Who knows? Maybe it’ll even lead to something longer lasting. Like, longer than three minutes.
A Letter To Eminem
It's way too nice out to miss Maury and Jerry Springer!
see page 10
Stay Inside and Watch Television!