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The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 12 4/4/12 - 4/11/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
Your Easter Candy and You phil keller wrote this
Spring has sprung and Easter is upon us once again, folks. It’s the second biggest candy celebration of the year and everyone has their favorite seasonal treat. But before you go digging through that colorful plastic basket grass, be warned that your candy choice has implications that go far beyond a simple snack. It might say more about you than you think, so choose wisely. Marshmallow Peeps: Stretching the limitations of the word “food” since 1953, these brightly colored shapes of “ingestible” material refuse to disappear. If you love Peeps, you’re either so old that people can smell the stench of death on you or your childhood was completely devoid of any real joy. Why old people love ‘em is a no-brainer, Peeps remind them of a simpler time—a time when men were men, women were property, and candy tasted like shit. Taste is really inconsequential, though— because apparently, the senses, like erections, diminish greatly with age. If you want to spice up your Easter, give your Grandpa an actual chick and take bets on whether or not he takes a bite. Be forewarned, there are no winners in this game. And as if that weren't enough, these Peep pushers are now forging new shapes for every holiday. That's right, Peeps all year. Candy corn may suck, but at least it knows to stay the hell in October where it belongs. The Cadbury Egg: You're fat. Put the egg down and reevaluate your life. You are aware that there is an obesity epidemic, yes? Here's a riddle: What came first, the diabetes or the egg? If you've eaten more than a couple of these bad boys in a row, the answer is, they occur at the same time. Every year Jolly Old England ships these treats over in droves because, as scripture says, “people go bananas for fake eggs on Easter.” The Redcoats want us to be soft and unable to produce insulin the next time they come around, you say? Their wish just might come true. The Chocolate Rabbit: You're a sociopath. Do you realize how much this holiday revolves around pretending to eat fluffy little animals whole, like Jabba the Hutt? Never would one think to take a bite out of an innocent
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Inside
rabbit’s face before this creepy confection came along. Unless you're a big Saw fan, having that rabbit stare at you with its dead eyes and unsettling smile while you pick him apart piece by piece is kinda fucked up. Jellybeans: Jellybeans are something that all of us can enjoy (unless they’re a disgusting flavor). In fact, jellybeans are the common man’s Easter candy—they’re cheap, easily accessible, and come in a variety of flavors, like condoms and prostitutes. In fact, everything was going well in the world, for everyone, until the red-
Hop vs. The Passion of the Christ.
As it turns out, eating all kinds of Easter candy says something negative about you. Carrots, on the other hand, are good for your eyesight and also festive for the Easter holiday—so, get ‘em while they’re hot! If Easter candy is for fat Christians and sociopaths, you’ll find my mouth around a big, orange carrot this Sunday.
God is just a wee bit pissed. see page 10
see page 5
Battle of the Sub-Par Easter Movies
necks at Jelly Belly started experimenting with flavors like “buttered popcorn” and “licorice” and ruined Jesus’ resurrection; I mean Easter baskets, forever.
Jesus Ain't Too Happy
If this doesn't work, there's always a few hundred bucks and a sleazy hotel room.
see page 15
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