The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 6, Issue 11 3/28/12 - 4/4/12
theblacksheeponline.com @MSUBlackSheep
Pranking Through the Ages at MSU phil keller wrote this Happy April 1st, fools! In light of this foolish holiday, The Black Sheep has compiled a timeline of MSU’s greatest pranks throughout history. Ready, set, prank! October 18, 1856: Inaugural cow tipping. This marks the beginning of a long tradition at MSU: Getting drunk and knocking things over. February 26, 1867: Man farts in Case Hall. This is the first ever intentional fart on record, executed explicitly for the sake of humor. The perpetrator, a secessionist Latin professor by the coincidental name of Dr. Luther W. Fart, admits to the deed by saying that he “definitely pushed extra hard.” One witness claimed that the fart was “the loudest he'd ever heard” and went on to assert that it was “smellier than my girlfriend’s lady part farts.” September 18, 1924: Female dormitories are established on campus. The first panty raid, then called a “garter-sally,” occurred the following week. It was considered a minor tragedy, leaving several injured and burning down a large portion of campus. Fires, like garter-sallys, happened all the time in the 1920s. That’s history. November 8, 1976: The field choreographer for the marching band, Ava Tit, is fed up with her rival, Lance Ass, a tyrannical band director, and decides to quit with a bang. The night before homecoming, Tit calls an extra practice to add some last-minute changes to the band’s routine. Needless to say, the audience was in for a bigger surprise than Watergate. Cheers turned quickly to gasps as the dreaded “c word” took shape on the fifty-yard line with a capital C. If you have any doubts, it rhymes with punt and sums up Rick Santorum pretty well. No? Okay, it’s cunt. April 22, 1994: Mysterious vandal Bedazzles the Sparty Statue. A Shrinky Dink of the Michigan “M” is found at the scene and it reeks of nerd. Graduation Day, May 5, 1998: A disgruntled ex-girlfriend sneaks a boner pill into the valedictorian's breakfast cereal before the ceremony. He gives the speech at full mast. It was, by all accounts, “less than decent.” Picture the opposite of The Vagina Monologues. If you can’t picture The Vagina Monologues, it’s about vaginas. He did the best that he could under the circumstances. Like the old saying goes, “It's hard to do just about anything else when you’re busy pitching a tent.”
Other stuff
Inside
May 3, 2003: Frustrated by a parking police force high on the Patriot Act, a group of students grab a P.A.C.E employee ticketing a Jeep and tie him to a tree. The assailants then parked his truck in a handicapped spot, where it was eventually towed and impounded, pelting the officer with loose change all the while. When witnesses were asked why they participated, they claimed that, “P.A.C.E. workers are cocks,” and searched their pockets for more coins. Present: The New Art Museum - How much more expensive is it to build a museum with only acute angles? I'm pretty sure it’s a lot more expensive. In fact, I'm $45 million positive. Any nerd on the block would design a house that looks like a Jawa Sandcrawler if it weren't cost prohibitive. It took a lot of balls on the university’s part to pull off a prank of this magnitude. Sprinkling campus with twisted metal scraps covered in paint and calling it art is one thing, but this monument to all things pointy is crossing the line.
Present: The ANGEL Website. This maze of glitchy nonsense makes Charlie Sheen look stable. It has to be a prank. I know this because when I try to log in, a little window tells me to use a shittier browser than the one I’m using because it works better with this shitty site. Somebody high-up is behind this, somebody who cackles with laughter as they shut ANGEL down on Sunday nights. At least it knows it sucks and warns you beforehand. Unless that means it’s self-aware. Like if the Terminator were to not submit an online exam that you definitely told it to submit. Probably best to be safe and trash it now, while we still can. Future: Someday, many years from now, we will find out that all of those tuition increases were a prank. Silly Lou Anna K. Simon will have a Spartan-wide Skype session to tell us the news and we’ll all be refunded thousands of dollars. …Psych! Happy April Fool’s Day!
Get out of the tub of Cheetos for starters, chubby.
we've got some serious questions, and we need some answers.
because mother nature wasn't a huge bitch this winter!
see page 7
see page 10
see page 15
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MSU's Most Curious Mysteries
Spring's Sacred Beauty: A Poem