MSU - 3/21/12 - v06i10

Fre e... l outike be a b ing us th te e o d u nly p b on rac e w ke t. ith-

The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 6, Issue 10 3/21/12 - 3/28/12

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Spartan Basketball Female Commentators: What If? Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this

What if the MSU Men’s Basketball commentators were female?

I’m not talking about die-hard sports fanatics who happen to be women. I mean the stereotypical “girly-girl.” Those girls that come over to your apartment only to disappoint; they whine on the couch, disrupt the game, ask too many questions, and finger through the Chex mix. Yeah, those types...so, what would it be like to have these girls commentating a Spartan game? Here’s just a mid-game sneak-peek.

Lindsey: I think Magic Johnson is at this game. I’m sure of it.

Wait, was that just Mateen Cleaves?

Kate: Where?

Lindsey: Over there, in the stands, in section 109.

Kate: No, that’s just some guy.

Lindsey: Hmm. Kate: How can you understand the ref’s hand movements? What the fuck is he saying? I don’t know sign language!

Lindsey: I don’t know. I don’t care. Oh my god, Draymond Green has been lookin’ so good lately.

Kate: I heard he lost weight.

Lindsey: Obviously.

Kate: Well, he can be my trainer. In bed.

Lindsey: Look at those big hands; I just want him to throw me down on the bed and ravish me.

Kate: You did not just say that.

Lindsey: Damn. And look at Appling prancing around in those shorts.

Kate: Mommy like.

Lindsey: Yeah...wait a second. I think I just saw a player’s ball pop out. Yep. Definite ball pop-age.

Kate: God, they’re all so sweaty. Like, pouring gallons of sweat.

You can’t be that hot.

Lindsey: Look at number 14 on the other team. He’s so… gumpy.

Kate: Yeah, and who picked out their colors? Helen Keller?

Lindsey: Oh, you’re bad.

Kate: But really though, who designed these basketball uniforms? Why are the shorts so loose? I would’ve made the tops v-necks.

Lindsey: Ooooh, yeah, you’re right. V-necks would be hot.

Kate: Speaking of clothes, what are you gonna wear tonight,

Other stuff

Inside

Linds?

Lindsey: Uhm, I dunno… probs just leggings and boots. I have to search through my closet. I have like, no going out clothes. Every weekend, it’s the same shirt or the same jeans or the same heels. I’m tired of it. I need new clothes.

I need some change in my life.

Kate: Oh my god, same here.

Lindsey: Wait. What just happened?

Kate: I think we got fouled? For what, though?

Lindsey: Fuck if I know.

Kate: Okay, Izzo’s great and all…but doesn’t the Izzone get tired from jumping up and down the whole game? And how do they all know what to do?

Lindsey: I don’t know. I just hope I get the free pizza...

Kate: I thought you were on a diet.

Lindsey: Yeah, whatever. Ugh, I don’t even know what’s going on in this game.

I wish someone would fetch me a Diet Coke and a cheesy pretzel.

Kate: I almost made it into the Izzone sophomore year.

Lindsey: Really?

Kate: Yeah! Well, I missed the camp-out and three games, but I was uber close.

Lindsey: I was gonna say something...but I totally forgot what I was going to say.

Kate: Izzo needs to CALM DOWN. Pop an aspirin or something.

Lindsey: Or a Valium.

Kate: That vein on his forehead is about to explode any minute now.

Lindsey: He reminds me of my dad...

Kate: Whoa, really?

Lindsey: Well, no.

Kate: There’s something sexy about salt and pepper hair though, ya know?

Lindsey: Oh, totally. You kidding? I mean there’s George

Clooney, that guy from Mad Men, ya know...what’s his name...Anderson Cooper!

Kate: Isn’t he gay?

Lindsey: It’s not real. Mad Men is a TV show. So yeah, I’d still do him. Obvi.

Kate: Why do you think basketball players are so tall? Like, look at Nix. He’s pretty tall.

Lindsey: They just look that way because you’re like 5’2’’.

Kate: Nah. C’mon, they’re huge! Wait, why’d the game stop again? What call was that? What does that mean? Was there another foul? A time-out?

Lindsey: Uhh, I dunno. Watch my purse, though, I gotta pee.

let's get mad jrunk and start izzoning all over the place.

It's apparently not all about booze and boobz.

see page 4

see page 11

The Black Sheep Dictionary

Debunking Frat Myths

blame the bitch who told you to follow your dreams.

see page 15

It's Too Late to Apologize for Your Major

page three

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Definition: A halo of magnificence that surrounds a girl who just spent over $2,000 shopping on her dad’s credit card.

Kara had an aura of spendor around her after she came back from the mall with a new wardrobe purchased by her father.

04

THe top ten Things Chicks ‘n Dudes Should Stop Doing Listen up, pansies. I’m addressing you with that gender-neutral word because we’re here to talk about the sexes. Both of ‘em. Who are they? Men and women. What do they do? Piss me off. With each gender’s own special brand of assholery, I have a feeling that people might sometimes piss you off too.

Without further ado…

Dudes need to stop…

5) Being total dickwads at the gym: Let’s get something straight, bro: Your lifestyle ain’t. You’ve turned yourself into a boring freak who eats, shits, and injects supplements. Sure, you can lift 450lbs, but if you left IM, maybe you could pick up a girl. One with low self-esteem. Like you.

4) Insulting chicks who have just rejected them: Are you positive that honey you were just drooling over was “a bitch anyways” because she didn’t like you? Yeah, never mind, you’re probably right.

the black sheep dictionary Alex Everard wrote this There are some nights that are simply too fun to describe with boring, Webster words. Likewise, there are some things too unspeakably heinous to describe with standard vernacular. There are some people too stupid or otherwise unpleasant to belittle with basic curse words. For these moments in your collegiate life, look no further than The Black Sheep Dictionary. Edited with a magic marker, scrawled upon the backs of a pizza box and first published two days ago, it’s the modern student’s goto handbook for relatable vocabulary.

Jrunk (adjective): A modified version of “drunk,” the level of intoxication one unit above “white girl wasted.” Used to express the highest level of intoxication in the sorority community.

I had like, a billion shots at Rick’s. I’m so jrunk right now, guys. Can we get Menna’s?

Productive Skipping (verb): The act of skipping class on the day of a quiz or test one is unprepared for with hopes that increased study time will lead to a high score on the make-up.

My productive skipping of IAH turned into me going to the Dairy Store for ice cream. Alone.

Nojob (noun): Oral sex lacking in quality and pleasure due to improper technique or intoxication, generally unpleasant and resulting in cancelation of said act.

Man, last night was brutal—that girl I met out tried to give me head, but it turned out to be a nojob all because of that last Red Headed Slut shot.

TomTom (noun): Similar in nature to a nojob, but for the female anatomy; a noun describing the lackluster giver.

Your friend was a total dud in bed. He tried going down on me, but he was so lost down there he needed a fucking GPS. Total TomTom. Blank Chat (verb): To converse with a past acquaintance without knowing said person’s name. Blank Chats usually last up to five minutes, but can sometimes exceed the half-hour margin.

(See: Quick Sand Dan).

Man, I had the most uncomfortable Blank Chat with that guy who took me to Qdoba’s $3.99 burrito Wednesday for our first date while we were waiting to talk to our advisors. He smelled like ground beef so badly I couldn’t remember his name.

3) Playing video games: If college athletes who engage in real physical activity worry about becoming fat and lazy in 20 years, what do the average Joes sitting on their computers playing video games all day worry about becoming down the road?

2) Approaching random girls from behind on the dance floor: I know you’re at Rick’s because you don’t have a chance getting ass anywhere else, but that doesn’t mean that the nice (probably slutty) women on the dance floor want your boner unexpectedly in and around their butt. This isn’t Denny’s.

Quick Sand Dan(ielle) (noun): An acquaintance with which one has no interest in speaking with, yet can pull people around him/her into conversation with little intention to have a swift exchange.

Tina, you need to save me— I’m stuck at Harper’s with Quick Sand Dan. The harder I try to get out, the more drinks he buys.

1) Dressing with no swag: My friends, my dudes, my bros—y u no dress nice? I’m not saying we need any more hipsters around here, but if you’re going to shop at Old Navy, at least snag the medium tee that fits you instead of that XXL that you fully expect to grow into. And start wearing a watch, ya schmuck.

Izzoning (verb): To dominate or otherwise reign victorious over any and all rivals in a game or competition of wit, intelligence, strategy or alcohol tolerance (while screaming and jumping up and down simultaneously with at least one hundred other people).

Izzoning reaches a new high after the Michigan State Spartans were chosen as the number one seed.

Chicks need to stop…

5) Screaming in public: When I’m feeling self-loathsome and I want a cheap beer, I go to Harper’s. It’s loud in there on Friday nights (what with all the Taio Cruz shaking down the walls), but for some reason, I can still hear your voice. Why can I hear your voice? Every Tom, Dick and Harry loves to have a good scream now and then. Thing about them is, they’re men.

Threshold (noun): The feeling an individual experiences when reaching the peak of inebriation. The threshold can occur due to alcohol or a mixture of intoxicants; known in the 90s as “the spins.”

Whoa, brah, think I just hit the threshold with that last bong rip.

4) Getting random hairstyles: Yesterday you were a blonde.

Today you’ve got feathers and strings all in there and your head looks like a dream catcher. Like one that caught a tacky dream with weird hair. We’re not combing our My Little Ponies here girls, so before you go Britney, don’t.

Sleeping Dragon (verb): The art of falling asleep whilst having intercourse.

Dude, don’t even try with those hippie chicks. I tried getting with this girl like, four different times, but all that weed made her a real master of the Sleeping Dragon.

3) Complaining: Does it bother you when other girls wear their open-toed shoes at inappropriate times? When you get together with your gals, does it kind of sound like The View, except an MSU version? Do you all find crap (one degree higher means you had to change your outfit again this morning, UGH!!) to complain about? Stop.

McBitchin’ (noun): The combination of a McChicken and a McDouble.

Bro, it’s open 24 hours, let’s just go get a McBitchin’ and go to bed. Dibs on the top bunk.

McPussy (noun): The combination of a McChicken and a FiletO-Fish.

Girl, you know they’re still open. Let’s go get McPussies and eat them in our underwear.

This is just an excerpt of the volumes upon volumes of vocabulary genius that The Black Sheep dictionary holds. The good news is: You can own your own copy today for just three easy payments of $19.95. Or two cases of beer.

2) Waiting to be entertained: We’re all here to have a good time. Pros know that the trick to throwing a good party is by inviting a bunch of awesome people while also being awesome themselves. Chicks who stand around waiting to be amused bring zero positive energy, and will leave a party that sucks just because it didn’t turn into a banger. Adding nothing, taking nothing. Useless.

1) Talking about themselves: Most chicks are smart enough to know that nobody really gives a hoot about what they’re saying. This doesn’t stop them from talking about themselves, though. They know if you’re wanting some action, you’ll sure as hell pretend to listen.

ziev beresh wrote this

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The Inner-Monologue of an East Lansing Agoraphobic bailey walsh wrote this

The campus on Michigan State University comes alive in the spring. Everyone who’s been here (and isn’t agoraphobic) has experienced the magic for themselves. The agoraphobics on campus, however, are trapped inside both their houses and their fears, unable to experience the gloriousness that is spring in East Lansing. Can you even imagine what their life must be like? Rhetorical question— we already imagined it for you. You’re welcome.

09

From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What would you do if the Spartans won the championship?

"I'd call my mom and tell her not to worry."

- Gil, Sophomore

9:32a.m. Wow, it sure looks beautiful outside today.

Dangerous and quite possibly life-ruining, but the sun seems nice. Unless I got sun burnt, of course. Or if people commented on how pale I am. Maybe I should order some of that self-tanner off of Amazon Prime. Or maybe I could actually go outside today. I guess I’ll just see how I feel after this bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

9:44a.m. I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch more than I could ever love anything else. Firstborn? Fuck it. Bring me some cereal wrapped in a blanket.

9:45a.m. I’ve never eaten cereal that was wrapped in a blanket, but it does sound kind of comforting.

9:46a.m. I wonder if the little bits of cinnamon sugar ever worry about leaving their square homes. All their lives they live inside a dark, cool place among all of their family…

9:47a.m. Then, all of a sudden— some foreign creature comes stomping toward their home and starts shaking them around for dear life before pouring them into a cold pool of a strange, white liquid substance.

9:49a.m. I am so glad I’m not cereal. Cereal-sly. Ha! 9:53a.m. Oh well, I guess they’re used to being in a crunch.

Ha! Oh, me.

9:55a.m. Man, I’ve already had two great jokes today and no one else got to enjoy them. Maybe today really would be a good day to try going outside. With all of my jokes.

9:56a.m. I better practice.

Ok, hmm. What other jokes do I know? What’s funny?

9:57a.m. Making fun of other people is supposed to be funny.

10:08a.m. Hm, that didn’t get me as many laughs as I thought. My face feels hot. Maybe I should just try and strike up a conversation with someone instead of making fun of them.

"I'd go out drunk people watching."

- Grace, Sophomore

10:10a.m. Ah, perfect! A black person! “Girl, your skin is so dark—you’re so lucky you’re not white! Laying out in the hot sun feels like so much work sometimes, you know?”

10:15a.m. She spit on me. She actually spit on me. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. Everyone hates me.

10:18a.m. Okay, I have one more idea. I’m going to try the teasing-while-flirting bit. I can totally do that. Let’s see here…

"wow, it sure looks beautiful outside today. dangerous and quite possibly life-ruining, but the sun seems nice."

10:22a.m. This guy doesn’t look too busy. “Hey there, those are some nice Dre headphones ya got there!”

10:23a.m. “Oh, yeah, I just said those are some pretty cool headphones you got there.

Must be expensive. Mommy and daddy buy them for ya?”

9:58a.m. Yeah! That’s what I’ll do! I’ll make fun of everyone I see before they get a chance to do it to me.

That way I won’t have a panic attack!

that you were white.”

9:59a.m. But this is so exciting I might have one anyway!

10:25a.m. “Wait, I didn’t meant it like that either.”

10:02a.m. Okay, here I go. I’ll just walk down Grand River for a few blocks (before too many people come outside), heckling everyone I see based on any visible flaws or potential insecurities they may have. I’ll get some laughs, conquer some fears, and go home.

10:26a.m. “No, no, I’m not racist.”

10:07a.m. Ooh, here’s an easy one. “Hey, wheelchair kid, cool wheelchair. I bet that’s waaaay better than having working legs. Ha!”

10:28a.m. “I was just kidding about that!”

10:24a.m. “Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that. I just noticed

10:27a.m. “When did I ever say that?”

10:27a.m. Ohhhh, yeah. *That* Asian girl. Fuck.

10:29a.m. I better go home now.

"Nothing."

- Sarah, Sophomore

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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07

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Disease Outbreak This Afternoon,

Said to Cause a Fondness for Brackets Cody Manthei wrote this This afternoon the World Health Organization and the Center for Disease Control and Prevention issued a joint statement warning of an outbreak of a new disease they referred to as “March Madness.” In their press release, they warned, “March Madness has few symptoms before the infection takes over the entire central nervous system.” They went on to say, “This will make people bat-shit insane, and it has the potential to reach the level of a pandemic.” Local citizen, Sandy Kane, commented on the issue with great emotion after hearing the news, “Sounds scary,” she said.

When asked what the disease actually does to humans, the president of the World Health Organization replied, “Subjects who are infected begin a slow, body-deteriorating process that ultimately results in their transformation into zombie-like creatures. Although they are not considered 'un-dead,' they do possess traits including extreme violence, debauchery and obsessive compulsions about certain colors.

The odd part about this, though, is that the colors are different for each individual, but a territorial correlation to certain colors does exist.” He added, “And they tend to riot frequently. It’s not uncommon to see burning couches, flipped cars or other acts of vandalism whenever there is a large outbreak.”

As it turns out, the residents here in East Lansing are not

exempt. There have been at least 150 reported cases of March Madness in the Greater Lansing Area since the beginning of this month. Carl Schafer, 21-year-old music performance major, experienced the disease firsthand when he came home one evening to find his roommate had been infected. “I didn’t know what to do,” Schafer told reporters.

“I opened up the door and all I could smell was a disgusting mixture of vomit and shoe polish. I remember he was watching college basketball or something on TV, and when I came in, he turned around. He had this creepy blank stare on his face and then he came after me. I didn’t know what to do, so I sprayed him with my mace that I carry around in my purse. I mean… satchel.”

Unfortunately, Schafer is not the only East Lansing resident to have had an experience like this. Many professors have experienced dwindling numbers in their classes and some have even been attacked on their way to class. We warn residents of East Lansing to avoid going outside between the hours of 6p.m. and 10a.m. The infected generally sleep through the day and terrorize at night, and can attack without warning and in gangs of 3-12. Ellis Derringer, 18-yearold Marathon gas station worker, reported that he was attacked and had both of his arms ripped off for saying, “Ohio State actually has a somewhat decent basketball team this year,” in a conversation with one of his friends.

Unfortunately, at this time, there is no cure for March Madness. But, scientists and doctors and a local medicine man and a shaman are all working together to try and stop this atrocity. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention noted that this disease “is worse than if the black plague were to somehow morph with guanaria and then skin you alive.” Many residents are evacuating the city, but have found nowhere where the disease hasn’t already gotten. At this point, the best course of action is to blend in. Fellow Spartans, we all hope and pray that we’ll live to see the end of this.

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31 1 2 Monday 9pm-Close

DJ Beats (Front Bar) DJ Beats (Front Bar) Global Village $2.50 - PintsLight, Rolling Rock Bottles $3.00 Draft Pints DJ Minze (Back Bar) DJ Minze (Back Bar) $2.50 – Call Drinks $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and TuesdayKamikazes!

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$3.50 Draft Pints $3.50 Little Black Dress Vodkas $3.00 Well Liquor DJ Donnie D

MSU vs. Louisville at 730!

4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour 8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

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SAT, 3/24

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18+ Night!

DJ SouthPaw and Special Guests New Menu!

$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Wings vs. Rangers 730PM

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 3/21

3-8pm: BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5!

NEW! 2 dart boards, 2 arcades, 2 pool tables, new menu & new hours 8-Close: LADIES NIGHT $3 u call it's, express entry & no cover 4 ladies

$2.75 Bottles of Corona and Sierra Nevada $2.75 Shots of Curevo Gold

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings GO GREEN! MSU at 7PM!

Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

GO GREEN! GO WHITE! $2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THUR, 3/22

Happy Hour 4PM - 7PM: $0.25 Off Bottles and Drafts $0.50 Off Cocktails $1 Off Large Pitchers

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close NCAA ALL NIGHT!

TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 3/23 SAT, 3/24

Fish Fry Fridays 6-close

Perch n totts basket + Pitcher = $5!

Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men) $3 Double Wells, $2 Cans $3 Long Islands

Beer Fest! $1 PINTS 3-12am + $3.50 Pitchers 12-close All day! BURGERS+totts and PITCHER = $5 Try our GIGANTIC NACHO (feeds 3 men)

Come Try East Lansing's Best Olive Burger

Come Watch All the NCAA Action Here!

$2 Pints $3 Calls

$5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Limes $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines Great Food Specials All Day/Night!

NEW HOURS, NEW DART BOARDS, NEW POOL TABLES, NEW ARCADE GAMES & NEW MENU

$2.50 Bottles of Labatt Blue, Labatt Blue Light, Molson Golden and Molson Canadian AND FREE PARKING!

NCAA ALL DAY! Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close

SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close

$3 Managers Choice Craft Beer Pints $3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 3/25

NEW HOURS, NEW DART BOARDS, NEW POOL TABLES, NEW ARCADE GAMES & NEW MENU

$2.50 Bottles of Miller Lite and Miller Genuine Draft $2.75 Shots of Jack Daniels

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Wings vs. Blue Jackets at 730PM

$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 3/26

1/2 OFF NIGHT! LIVE BANDS AND ELECTRONIC DJ'S

$2.75 24oz Drafts of Labatt Blue, and Miller Light $3.70 24oz Drafts of Blue Moon and Sam Adams $4.90 24oz Drafts of Guinness

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings

Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 3/27

18+ Night!

DJ SouthPaw and Special Guests New Menu!

$1.50 Off 60oz Pitchers of Labatt Blue, Miller Lite, Sam Adams, Blue Moon, Leinie's Seasonal, Guiness

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 3/28

10

Bartender

of the

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Week Nickname: Anski

What's your sign? Taurus

Age: 20

What's the best concert you've ever been to?

Bassnectar

Major: Vet Tech Relationship Status: Taken Shot: White Gummy Bear - Raspberry vodka, Sprite, fresh lemon, and a splash of lemonade

Annah

y's r r a H & u Lo

How would your friends describe you? Pretty chill, but also crazy- in a good way.

What song gets you pumped to go out and get your drank on? Any dubstep.

drinking game:

the vegetable game You say “potato,” I say “po-tah-to.” You say “tomato” I say “to-mah-to.” What do you mean neither of those things are vegetables? They’re certainly not fruit, and by our count, you can’t hunt either for sport.

What You Need: Suds and buds, man.

Number of Players: At least three. But you should consult the food pyramid, just to be safe.

Intoxication Level: Your puke is gonna look like one big Bloody Mary.

How to Play: -Before the game begins each person is assigned a vegetable. This vegetable is now that player’s name for the duration of the game.

-During no point in the game is a player allowed to show his or her teeth.

-If a player exposes his or her teeth, the round ends and that player must drink.

-The game begins with one player citing their own vegetable name, pointing at and calling on another player to act. For example, “Broccoli calls on pepper!”

-In this case, pepper would then announce themselves, then point at and call on another player. For example, “Pepper calls on asparagus!”

-This continues until a player calls someone they point at by the wrong name, or until a player does not respond correctly when called upon.

-The loser drinks.

The Game Ends When: You start squeezing someone, hoping to turn them into potato vodka.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com

If you could be (or date) any Disney Princess, who would you be? Snow White because she has 7 little BFFs. What about you is most attractive to the opposite sex? Some guys compliment me on my eyes.

If you could live through any decade, which would it be and why? The 1950s- I love the style and the

traditional lifestyle; The Notebook got me hooked.

What celebrity do you want to bang? Speaking of The Notebook... Ryan Gosling.

Your stripper name is the name of your first pet & the street you grew up on.

What would your stripper name be? Boots Paris Turn-ons? I love funny guys.

Turn-offs? Meatheads Shout-outs? Shoutout to my kick ass roommates.

recipe for disaster:

waffle burger For many, waffles are the preferred breakfast item for a variety of reasons: The syrup basins, the crunch, the texture. At the same time, the hamburger is the quintessential American sandwich, packed with calories and heart disease in equal measure. By our powers combined!

What You’ll Need: 1lb. ground beef, Eggo waffles, condiments.

Cook Time: 8-10 minutes.

Fatty Factor: You’ll waffle between going to the gym and taking another nap.

Let’s Get Baked: -Form the meat into ¼ pound patties. Add seasoning as desired.

-Begin cooking meat. (We recommend using a George Foreman Grill, as grilling or griddling can start fires when you’re…inebriated.)

-When the meat is 2 minutes from being done, throw two Eggos into the toaster.

-When Eggos are fully toasted, remove and slather with the condiments of your choice.

-For a breakfast-style sandwich, we recommend maple syrup and butter. Maybe a microwavable hash brown if you’re feeling lucky.

-For a dinner sandwich, add ketchup, cheese, you know, stuff you’d put on a hamburger.

Oh yeah, that hits the spot. It’s like a McGriddle evolved into something that was actually meant for human consumption.

11

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Debunking Frat Myths

Teddy Baum Cox wrote this

My name is Teddy Baum Cox, and I am a frat guy. I’ve been a frat guy ever since I arrived at Michigan State four years ago.

I’ve seen a lot of things throughout those four years—unnatural things, but there are a number of myths and misconceptions on campus about frat life and what it entails. Many of these myths are told during rush, exaggerated by the media or written about by that shitrag known as The State News.

As an accomplished writer and diplomat, I am here today to enlighten the masses by candidly discussing frat life.

We booze all the time. It’s a nonstop party: This is pretty true. Chances are, whenever you feel like drinking, there will be at least one other person down to booze. Problem is, it becomes so tempting to get shit-cocked drunk at any time that the idea of not having a hangover on a Wednesday afternoon becomes strange.

Hump day? Flag Day? Done and done.

Living in is the most fun you will ever have: Most fun? More like the most chaotic experience ever. What dipshit said, "Yeah, let's cram 30 guys in their early 20s into a huge house, tell ‘em it’s theirs and give them no supervision whatsoever." You can forget sleeping on weeknights because someone is always yelling. For no reason, there is yelling.

Fire extinguishers just happen to go off and perfectly good plates are shattered because for some reason, at some point, someone thought it might be a good idea. It is chaos. Pure, unfiltered chaos.

We only party with the hottest bitches: Okay, this one frustrates me. While many of the women who hang around fraternities are attractive, this next part though is probably gonna cause me hell. The materialistic nature of many of these women makes it damn near impossible to get their attention without wearing a namebrand shirt or an adequate wristwatch. While the promiscuity of everyone is higher and people are more accepting of one-night stands, the ticket price to get into the fun box is a much higher.

Alumni always hook up recent grads with awesome jobs: Bullshit. No alumni will give me a job because they’ve seen the horrible, horrible things I’ve done in college. In fact, I’m pretty sure no company could ever succeed if it were run entirely by frat guys. There need to be some nerds and normal people in there to mitigate the collective jackassery of the others. I don't care how strong the brotherhood is, I will never hire the kid who thought it'd be a good idea to bong multiple Four Lokos at one time.

We have test banks and our grade point average is way higher than the campus average: No. Just, no. Test banks may exist, but all of those tests are from within the Business College, so it’s not exactly exclusive to the Greek system. Not surprisingly, though, it is true that finding a frat guy who isn’t enrolled in some type of business degree is pretty rare. We figured that if you throw enough monkeys in a room together, they will eventually figure out what the hell is going on in an Accounting class. So, we did.

At the end of the day, though, being in a fraternity has been an incredible experience that has given me a lot of unforgettable moments. But it’s not always sunshine and whiskey.

There is a lot of chaos and a lot of stupidity. That’s why it takes a special kind of man to be in a frat… but if you can take the good with the bad—I highly recommend it.

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The Movie Page 21 jump street

Based on the Trailer

March /April 2012

Ice Cube's best film since 'Are We There Yet?' Wait, no - that can't be right...

Directed by

Phil Lord, Chris Miller

starring

Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill, Ice Cube

GRADE b+ bailey walsh wrote this Currently sitting at an “86% Fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes, 21 Jump Street is a new action comedy featuring such random stars as Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill, Brie Larson and Ice Cube (always good to see you again, Mr. Cube), as well as some fun cameo appearances from Nick Offerman and Johnny Depp.

sure things have changed since I’ve been in high school.” And for the 21-26 year olds watching this movie, this presents a hilarious opportunity for contrast, because it looks at what things were cool when we were in high school (the one strap backpack and don’t care attitude) vs. what’s cool now (environmental causes and hating fascism).

The film revolves around two young police officers, Jenko (Channing Tatum) and Schmidt (Jonah Hill), and their first real assignment: to bring down a synthetic drug ring at the local high school by going undercover as students. As former high school classmates, (Schmidt being the hopeless nerd turned down for prom and Jenko being the cool, long-locked jock) both find themselves going back to their regrettable roots when they’re assigned to the Jump Street Division—except this time, the roles are reversed. And pretty hilariously, if I do say so myself.

The cast works together really well, with a particularly surprising performance by Channing Tatum (who knew he could be gorgeous AND funny?) that makes for great on-screen chemistry between the already funny, but still a little fat, Jonah Hill. The ups and downs of their friendship are reflected in ways that will make you laugh and cringe because they’re simultaneously ridiculous and relatable—after all, you can take a person out of high school, but you can’t take the high school out of a person.

Although this movie is full clichés and stereotypes about high school, friendship, etc., it’s also full of action scenes and several laugh out loud moments that save this film from being just another mediocre action comedy. With most of the film taking place at the school, Jenko realizes that, “Man,

on dvd

Once Schmidt and Jenko get in with their respective cliques, the action unfolds via several scenes involving car chases, explosions, and gunshots with a respectable number of dick jokes woven throughout. The action scenes are funny and entertaining for the most part, but there were certainly a few instances where they felt unnecessar-

ily drawn out for comedic purposes. Fortunately, Captain Dickson (Ice Cube) is another unexpectedly hilarious character who gives the viewer a refreshing break from the action with line after line of comedy gold.

Aside from the (sometimes) excessive action sequences, my biggest complaint with this movie is that there were also a few instances where semi-important plot points just kind of “happened to happen” without any real plausible logic behind them. I’m not one to be overly critical regarding the implausibility of movies, especially with a screwballesque comedy like this, but when it did happen, it seemed to be a product of laziness.

Like, “Hmm, Schmidt is going to need a gun in this scene…how should we do that? Fuck it; let’s have him find a loaded gun nearby out of pure luck.” While this is irritating on a couple occasions, it wasn’t enough to leave a bad taste in my mouth—or maybe Channing Tatum just left such a good one… [Editor’s note: Ewwww.]

The Hunger Games

march 23

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Liam Hemsworth What You Need to Know: Every year in ruins that were once North America, a teenage boy and girl are forced to compete in the Hunger Games, a televised event where "tributes" must fight with each other until only one remains... or they can just get super skinny, I guess. To each their own.

What We Think: Obviously this film will be that much more baller for those who have read the wildly popular books, but as far as trendy book/film combos go, this one doesn't look too shabby. Please, just no more vampires, okay?

Goon

march 30

Starring: Seann William Scott, Jay Baruchel What You Need to Know: Unhappy with his job as a Boston bouncer, and shaming his accomplished family just a tad, Doug (Seann William Scott) dreams of becoming a minor league hockey superstar, even though he doesn't even know how to skate.

What We Think: Oh man, that Seann William Scott, what a goon! Hah, get it? Sure, Scott never ventures far from the lovable stoner role, but he's always good for a few laughs and at least he looks good while doing it. Probably not going to be a classic comedy, it might suffice for a bong-filled Friday night.

Overall, for a movie with a story that’s been done countless times, 21 Jump Street is a pretty damn good rip-off, and the best action comedy that’s been out in quite some time.

channing tatum trivia

answers are a few from here

March 27

American Reunion

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close The Bodyguard (Blu-Ray) A Dangerous Method

April 3 War Horse We Bought a Zoo Being Elmo: A Puppeteer's Journey

Who is Channing Tatum's wife?

Tatum went to college (but shortly dropped out) on what kind of scholarship?

Working as a local stripper before becoming a model, what was Tatum's stripper name?

Tatum's first role was as a dancer in who's 2000 music video?

april 6

Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Tara Reid What You Need to Know: All the boys from East Great Falls return for their high-school reunion. During one long-overdue weekend, they find out who's changed, who hasn't, and why they will always be BFFL. What We Think: It's basically like American Pie but slightly more grown-up, which means that at the very least it'll be entertaining. Though it probably won't live up to the originals, at least we can watch this and remind ourselves to live it up while we're still able to make mistakes and blame it on "being young."

Welcome to Keeping Up With The Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore, the show that has your favorite bitches, morons, douchebags and idiots from America’s scummiest reality TV shows! These contestants are vying to win the only truly important prize: their lives! Let’s see what these dolts are made of!

THE CAST: Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio (The Real World) Dani and Gabi Victor (Bad Girls Club) Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola (The Jersey Shore) Kendall Jenner (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)

WEEK 3 The Outcome: Unsurprisingly, Abby Lee Miller leads this challenge, as she convinces the remaining contestants to do a striptease to the Mos Eisley Cantina song from Star Wars: A New Hope. All is going well until Kendall Jenner removes her top, “just like Kim taught her.” Because Jenner is a minor, she gets

WEEK 6 The Outcome: Kendall easily passes as she chats up a high school male about what it’s like seeing Kim Kardashian naked “like, every day.” Chumlee approaches a mentally handicapped person waiting in line to play the demo Playstation 3 at Best Buy. After ten minutes talking they decide that blue is the best color. Soulgee isn’t

Abby Lee Miller (Dance Moms) Soulgee (Ice Loves Coco) Kelly Bensimon (The Real Housewives of New York City) Chumlee Russel (Pawn Stars)

THE CHALLENGE: LEARN A CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE, TO BE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF A CLASS OF 3RD GRADERS. off scot-free, while Miller is arrested for breaking public indecency and child pornography laws.

Karmic Death: Wearing only a leotard and eight-inch heels, she’s forced to fight a herd of 25 six-year-olds until she succumbs to their tiny fists of fury.

THE CHALLENGE:

ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION WITH A TOTAL STRANGER FOR TEN MINUTES WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.

so lucky, as he accidentally references himself when discussing the loving relationship Ice-T and Coco have, the one he “tries not to force himself into.”

Karmic Death: Suffocation via a gay black man’s nightmare: Coco’s enormous white tits.

WEEK 1 The Outcome: Most of our contestants do well, some surprisingly so. Abby Lee Miller scores a 29, and upon hearing the results lambasts the others for, “Doin’ so shitty cuz your moms didn’t raise ya’ll right.” Pawn Stars legend Chumlee scores a lowly 4 after skipping the English and Reading portions, but is saved when Sammi Sweetheart fails to complete the test in time.

THE CHALLENGE: TAKE THE 'ACT'.

She’s busy sobbing on the phone with her mom because Ronni forgot a smiley face emoticon in the text message he sent her wishing her good luck on the test.

Karmic Death: Suffocated to death in a gas chamber set to emit a deadly mix of hair spray and spray tanner.

LMFAO’s “Shots” plays at her wake.

WEEK 4

THE CHALLENGE: BUILD A SPACESHIP OUT OF LEGOS.

The Outcome: Used to constructing makeshift dildos on the fly, Soulgee produces a sex toy that judges deem a reasonable facsimile for a spacecraft. The Victor Twins - having never played with Legos before - hastily slap some blocks together, but continue onto the next round after secretly switching their construction with rival Johnny

Bananas. Bananas calls their deceit, but producers refuse to believe him, citing his frivolous lawsuit against the producers of Entourage as a reason not to believe him.

WEEK 7

THE CHALLENGE: PITCH A SHOW TO FAMED WRITER/PRODUCER DAVID SIMON (THE WIRE, TREME)

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner pitches Simon a show about, “You know, me, and stuff.” Chumlee, struggling to breathe under the weight of his own obesity, tells the writer/producer that he’d, “like to do one’a them shows where them girls come in and give Chumlee them blowjobs, and shit.” Simon attempts to walk off set before his

agent reminds him that this appearance will help provide funding for his criticallyacclaimed but little-watched show.

Karmic Death: Devenanzio is forced to hang out with Kevin Dillon until Devenanzio kills himself.

Karmic Death: Distraught with the state of modern media, Simon commits a murder-double-suicide. His final words are, “Let’s see McNulty solve this one.”

WEEK 2 The Outcome: Kendall Jenner cries as she hands over the money, certain that her mom will bestow on her the beating of a lifetime. Chumlee Russel tries to talk the homeless man down before realizing he’s the one trying to give the cash away. In a purely malevolent move, the Victor twins turn their bill into a “Poo Lincoln” before

WEEK 5 The Outcome: In a moving moment that will forever go down in the annals of reality TV history, Chumlee apologizes to pawn shop owner Rick Harrison for the litany of fuck-ups he’s had since the show’s inception. The Victor twins lose when Gabi apologizes to Dani “for being dad’s favorite,” while Dani apologizes to Gabi “for being

THE CHALLENGE: GIVE A HOMELESS PERSON $5. dropping it in front of a homeless man while walking away. Bensimon fails when she gives her $5 to Soulgee, as she assumes all black people are homeless.

Karmic Death: The producers drop her off in Harlem dressed as a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. No one attends her funeral.

THE CHALLENGE:

SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO AN IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER OR CLOSE FRIEND YOU HAVE WRONGED.

dad’s favorite.” A brawl ensues until the producers drag each off set, preparing them for their execution.

Karmic Death: From behind a two-way mirror the twins’ parents push a big red button that electrocutes the twins to death. The parents go on to live full, happy lives in their twilight years.

While th at we expe didn’t end how cted, it certainl ended b y ette have ho r than we could ped! Join u year as we cont s next inue the small-sc ale are actu genocide people ally hap py abou t!

the seek & find Let us know everything is where prize! It’s pre and win a tt like someone y easy, just else we know .

Email us at games@thebla cksheeponline. com

15

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Seniors, It’s Too Late To Apologize For Your Shitty Choice In Major (Yes, I Still Write A Diary, Dad!) justin gawel wrote this

Dearest Diary, Titanic is sinking. Nothing gold can stay, Ponyboy. There are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!

Okay, I’ll just flat out say it, I’m graduating in six weeks with a degree in Fashion Design with a dual minor in Art History and Woodshop and I’m pretty sure the wheels are going to fall off of my so-called life anytime now. Yes, my passion for fashion was my ironically fitting unraveling, but I had assumed by the time I was 22, my line of flamboyant windbreakers decorated with fancy guinea pigs would have taken off and I’d spend my days in Milan, drinking tiny bottles of wine and farting on poor people. My god, I didn’t even come close to that.

Now the harsh reality of my early twenties out of college is setting in. I could apply for an entry-level job at McDonald’s or something, but I think I’d rather just curl up in a ball, eat a jar of mayonnaise, and cry before I work a day in a place like that. Why didn’t I listen to people when they told me that less than three percent of Fashion Design majors find work in that field after graduation?

Ugh, can someone please just tell me how much blood plasma I need to sell in order to buy a WaveRunner?

Say, there’s an idea, what If I just started selling my body?

Not like I’m a woman in Somalia with nothing left, but

selling things like bone marrow, blood, a kidney, maybe?

There’s tons of people out there who need these things to live and a dozen or so more that I found on Craigslist who just like to collect them! If I could just get an in with one of these Craiglist-organ-agent-guys, I could be on easy street— spending my days watching Maury, taking naps, and waiting for my body to regenerate tissue while I’m on the verge of death.

Okay, that last paragraph is probably not a good idea come to think of it. What if I just marry rich right now? Maybe if I can trick an heiress (or heir, I’ve got my price) into getting with me, I can finally be the trust-fund baby I never deserved to be, but always wanted to be. I’d be willing to change for my new spouse, I’d learn to use silverware, I’d learn ballroom dancing, I’d even stop teasing that fugly middle-school girl I keep seeing on my walk back from class.

I’ll learn how to pepper in classy, rich-people phrases and terms like “capital-gains tax,” “Roth IRA,” “venture capitalist,” and “hot-tub coke-orgy.”It’ll take some time and some convincing, but hopefully I’ll be able to pick up golf and sophistication as quickly as my ten-year-old self picked up my habits for Roller Coaster Tycoon and huffing Wite-Out. You know what, though? Fuck it. That all sounds like too much work. I’m just going to live the 21st century’s version of the American Dream—become mildly disabled and collect welfare forever. Bye!

movie trivia answers: 1) Jenna Dewan 2) football 3) Chan crawford 4) ricky martin's "she bangs"

Meet The Staff!

Managing Editor Bailey Walsh

Advertising ManagerS Anthony Dostal Andrew Meggert Andrew Schireson Contributing Writers Alex Everard Cristina Toscano Justin Gawel Andrew Fleming Cody Manthei Frank Sorise Samantha Shaughnessy Ziev Beresh photographer Jackie Cash

Distribution Bailey Walsh Annalise Stromsta pr team Chris Amrich

campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?

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