Volume 5, Issue 11 | 11/09/11 -11/16/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
Fre
e... lik roo e a g mm ood at ol' f e n as ee hio ds n n one oo ...n gie. ow ..yo ! ur
How To Seduce Your TA
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Ziev Beresh wrote this
There she is. Standing in front of the class, wearing that almost see-through shirt with oh-so-many buttons undone. Your grade on the next exam comes second to waiting for the moment she bends over to check her notes and reveals that sweet, sweet, mid-late twenties cleavage. Throwing your TA on their desk and doing them with a sense of taboo and eroticism felt only by priests at middle school soccer games is a fantasy held by many undergraduates here at Michigan State. And why wouldn’t it be? Even though your chances of getting a class with a sexy professor are as likely as you being able to shit meth,some of those professors will come with a sexy young sidekick (Unless you’re an Engineering major. Is that a ruler, or is it the ugly stick y’all been smacking each other upside the head with?). The ratio of graduate assistant attractiveness is pretty straightforward. 10% goes to their looks. Let’s face it, no TA is a perfect 10, and if they were, they’d just be models. Any attraction you feel is an illusion anyways, created by the forbidden teacher-student taboo. Your TA can’t be perfect; otherwise they wouldn’t be as sexy, if that makes sense. 20% is the TA’s higher maturity level. You can really talk to them about all sorts of things, like basically only any topics you cover in class. Another 20% goes to their crappy outfits, which goes back to them having the perfect amount of imperfection, and tricks your genitals into thinking the TA is more approachable. 50% goes to the ego gratification of sexually conquering a figure of authority. Is there anything more badass? If I did my hot TA, I’d make an announcement in the form of an Angel message sent to the whole class stating that I got all up in that ass. Twice. Then I would bring cupcakes for everybody, and smack the TA’s ass before giving her one. Chocolate frosting. That’s right, bitch.
Other stuff
Inside
04: The Origins of Megatron A brief history of every Michigander’s favorite wide receiver (Note: Not Charles Rogers.)
So, how do you get some T ‘n A from your TA? First, be a star student. It’s a nobrainer. The whole reason your TA is your TA in the first place is because they have to buy new undies every time they get to talk, think or write about whatever subject it is they’re studying. If you shine, they’ll see that you are kindred spirits and get just as wet as them for…molecular biology. Now that you’re on their radar, it’s time to really show how much you care…by going to office hours. This part is a little bit like dating. Take it slow, but make your appearance a regular occurrence. First, go in under the pretense of getting the material down. The next time you come in, pretend you're struggling, but now—Ahah!—you got everything down pat, “thanks to them.” Eventually move the conversation to other topics, like anything that doesn’t have to do with class. Get to know them, and eventually they’ll open up faster than a cheat sheet on exam day. Keep that strong eye contact and, oops, did my leg just accidently touch your leg Ms. TA? There’s so little room in this office. Go in for it, go in for it, and boom! You just kissed your TA. The end is easy. Put up a show like “Oh my god are we gonna get in trouble?” “We shouldn’t.” “We can’t.” Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Just ask for a ride home and seal the deal. If your performance in the bedroom is good, they might even “adjust things” to improve your performance in the class. Way to go, champ.
05: Freshman Year Roommates
Whatever happened to that guy who stared at you in your sleep?
06: The Novembeard Chronicles
The month the world’s face itched.