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Volume 5, Issue 11 | 11/09/11 -11/16/11 |


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How To Seduce Your TA


Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Ziev Beresh wrote this

There she is. Standing in front of the class, wearing that almost see-through shirt with oh-so-many buttons undone. Your grade on the next exam comes second to waiting for the moment she bends over to check her notes and reveals that sweet, sweet, mid-late twenties cleavage. Throwing your TA on their desk and doing them with a sense of taboo and eroticism felt only by priests at middle school soccer games is a fantasy held by many undergraduates here at Michigan State. And why wouldn’t it be? Even though your chances of getting a class with a sexy professor are as likely as you being able to shit meth,some of those professors will come with a sexy young sidekick (Unless you’re an Engineering major. Is that a ruler, or is it the ugly stick y’all been smacking each other upside the head with?). The ratio of graduate assistant attractiveness is pretty straightforward. 10% goes to their looks. Let’s face it, no TA is a perfect 10, and if they were, they’d just be models. Any attraction you feel is an illusion anyways, created by the forbidden teacher-student taboo. Your TA can’t be perfect; otherwise they wouldn’t be as sexy, if that makes sense. 20% is the TA’s higher maturity level. You can really talk to them about all sorts of things, like basically only any topics you cover in class. Another 20% goes to their crappy outfits, which goes back to them having the perfect amount of imperfection, and tricks your genitals into thinking the TA is more approachable. 50% goes to the ego gratification of sexually conquering a figure of authority. Is there anything more badass? If I did my hot TA, I’d make an announcement in the form of an Angel message sent to the whole class stating that I got all up in that ass. Twice. Then I would bring cupcakes for everybody, and smack the TA’s ass before giving her one. Chocolate frosting. That’s right, bitch.

Other stuff


04: The Origins of Megatron A brief history of every Michigander’s favorite wide receiver (Note: Not Charles Rogers.)

So, how do you get some T ‘n A from your TA? First, be a star student. It’s a nobrainer. The whole reason your TA is your TA in the first place is because they have to buy new undies every time they get to talk, think or write about whatever subject it is they’re studying. If you shine, they’ll see that you are kindred spirits and get just as wet as them for…molecular biology. Now that you’re on their radar, it’s time to really show how much you care…by going to office hours. This part is a little bit like dating. Take it slow, but make your appearance a regular occurrence. First, go in under the pretense of getting the material down. The next time you come in, pretend you're struggling, but now—Ahah!—you got everything down pat, “thanks to them.” Eventually move the conversation to other topics, like anything that doesn’t have to do with class. Get to know them, and eventually they’ll open up faster than a cheat sheet on exam day. Keep that strong eye contact and, oops, did my leg just accidently touch your leg Ms. TA? There’s so little room in this office. Go in for it, go in for it, and boom! You just kissed your TA. The end is easy. Put up a show like “Oh my god are we gonna get in trouble?” “We shouldn’t.” “We can’t.” Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Just ask for a ride home and seal the deal. If your performance in the bedroom is good, they might even “adjust things” to improve your performance in the class. Way to go, champ.

05: Freshman Year Roommates

Whatever happened to that guy who stared at you in your sleep?

06: The Novembeard Chronicles

The month the world’s face itched.


Table of


Pg4: top 10 Pg10: Recipe for Disaster: Hot Jobs College Grads Will Fall Back Dog Mac and Cheese On If your dad loves you, he’ll buy you food so you don’t have to Pg5: 2250: The East Lansing eat this. Odyssey The East Lansing you’ll never Pg11: an educational moment see…unless you’re on a lot of Teddy teaches you about subacid. stitution goods!

12-13 11


Pg6: From the Streets What’s the best and worst part about winter at MSU? Pg10: Bartender of the Week: Courtney at Woody’s Oasis can sate your parched mouth Pg10: Drinking Game: Jenga Bricks won’t be the only things falling down after this game.


Pg12: The Black Sheep Interviews: 12th Planet This up-and-coming dubstep DJ will bring down the house. Pg13: The Black Sheep Interviews: Mat Kearney This singer-songwriter wants to collaborate with…a very different singer-songwriter. Pg13: CD Review Summer Camp- Welcome to Condale

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Definition: Any movement that promotes equal rights for cross-dressers and transvestites. Sentence: “RuPaul’s Supermodel was a seminal moment in the Hegalitarianism movement.”


THe top ten Jobs College Grads WILL Fall-Back On 10) Unemployed: What else are all of you English and humanities hipster grads of the Red Cedar-freak show-complex going to do? Well, you keep saying you’re going to finish your AmeriCorps application by Friday, but that was four weeks ago and there’s no way you can turn them in with those kinds of stains. Since you’ve already ridden the coattails of your parents this far, why not keep livin’ the dream? Collect welfare to decorate your parents’ newly finished basement with ironic Urban Outfitters furniture. 9) Daycare: Ugh, daycares have the dirtiest babies. Have fun taking care of runny-nosed little trolls with Kool-Aid stains on their upper lips. They’ll climb and breathe all over you, all day. You’ll also discover that everything in your vicinity is wet with drool, piss, tears, or some combination of the three. Fortunately, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel; you’ll realize that all children are disgusting devils and you’ll wind up selling your eggs for a couple grand.

The Origins of Megatron

Alex Everard wrote this

Although many are aware of Calvin Johnson’s roots,(going to school in Georgia and playing for Georgia Tech before getting drafted by the once-god-fucking-awful, but now pretty-damn-good Lions), few know about his origins. The man nicknamed Megatron has a highly secretive and strange background. The first person to ever discover the truth is also the person who nicknamed Calvin Johnson “Megatron.” That man was former inferior teammate and receiver Roy Williams, and this is exactly what he told me. Calvin Johnson was born in Georgia on September 25th, 1985. He was named after his favorite comic book series, Calvin and Hobbes. Although he looked nothing like Calvin, he was large enough as a toddler to pal around with full-grown tigers, and did so during numerous visits to the Atlanta Zoo. By the time Calvin reached middle school, he realized he was not like the other kids in his class. He was suspended twice within the first two weeks of seventh grade: once for sending a classmate into a coma on the tire swing, and then again for dunking on the gym teacher. In eighth grade, Calvin was 6’4” and weighed over 200 lbs. He ate everything from pizza to salad to small mammals, but often found himself with strange cravings. While playing with his remote control cars, he frequently fantasized about mowing down the metal and chewing on the batteries. He figured it would be best if he kept these feelings and thoughts to himself, so he continued to eat human food (and the occasional adolescent game mammal). When high school began, Calvin sought normalcy in the football team. Calling him a football freak-of-nature, coaches at Sandy Creek High School took a liking to Calvin and started him as a freshman. Calvin’s favorite part of every game was getting dressed—he put on his gear two hours before the game, and was known to make robot noises to accompany his movements in the locker room and during warm-ups. After every game, Calvin was silent as he remained the last person to get undressed each time. Most thought he just loved the game, but Calvin knew deep down it was for a more mysterious reason. A reason he hadn’t

known since he was too young to remember… Then, it happened. After a dominant state playoff performance during his senior year of high school, Calvin was making out with his high school sweetheart in the back of her car. They were starting to have sex for the first time, but Calvin began to feel dizzy. He figured it was just his v-card nerves and tried to bone through the pain, but it persisted. Then he began having flashbacks of him as a toddler, lying on a laboratory table. A faint figure loomed over him. Suddenly, Calvin’s penis morphed into a giant-robodick and gave his then-girlfriend a hundred simultaneous orgasms. Her head almost exploded, but Calvin stopped before she could orgasm any more and ran from the car, embarrassed of his freakish body. Calvin lay awake that night, plagued by visions of those experiments, and that strange man who conducted them. When he finally drifted to sleep, it all came to him in a dream. He was three-years old and his father had just become terminally ill. He was looking for a cure to all diseases and used his fortune to experiment on poor Calvin. Calvin’s father removed all of his major bones and replaced them with carbon-enforced steel. He injected Calvin’s body with growth hormones and trained his lungs and heart vigorously. His limbs were genetically modified with robotic microorganism structures. At the end of the dream, Calvin’s mother pulled the man away. She scolded him “I told you to stop!” she yelled his name. “I told you to stop this, Earvin!” Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Calvin Johnson’s father is Earvin Magic Johnson. He conducted experiments on Calvin in his search to cure HIV. Although he has since found the cure to be loads and loads of money, Calvin was left with the supernatural strength, speed, agility, and size. Contrary to popular belief, however, “Megatron” is actually just the nickname of Calvin’s robot-dick. Everyone on the team refers to Calvin as “Cal.” And robot dick or not, we still love him.

"Suddenly, Calvin’s penis morphed into a giant-robo-dick and gave his then-girlfriend a hundred simultaneous orgasms"

8) Data entry: Get used to a life stuck in a box because you’ll be living an all-too-real reenactment of Office Space (minus the thousands of dollars, Kung Fu movies, and Jennifer Aniston’s boobies). Yep, you’ll be doomed to an existence of computerinduced migraines and dreaded interactions with your fellow cubicle dweebs. 7) Substitute Teacher: I’d like to think I’m not the only one getting those Facebook ads about becoming a substitute teacher, but maybe FB has the right idea. You can just pop in a movie, like La Catrina or The Princess Bride (why was that always a teacher favorite?), and begin mapping out the futures of the naive students in front of you. If you really want to spark onset depression, go back to your old stomping grounds and attempt to relive your “glory days” as a substitute in your own high school. 6) Bartender: Sure you have to deal with the occasional suicidal alcoholic and pervert whose breath smells like something crawled down their throat and died, but nothing can replace your closest friends and regulars: the gaggle of former groupies for The Ramones, someone’s estranged grandfather who can’t stop gumming his remaining four teeth, and the 47 year-old exbeauty queen whose leg was amputated (due to Type II Diabetes). 5) Retail Sales Associate: As if you couldn’t hate your life more, working in retail gives you the best opportunity to watch people spend money that you’ll never have. Your days will be spent dealing with whiny, middle-aged hags who demand 5% off their purchase (with expired coupons) and jerk-off children who are playing hide-and-seek under the clothing racks you spent hours reorganizing. You’ll blow the place up eventually. 4) Waiter/Waitress: Much like an unhappy single mother, you’ll quickly get used to waiting hand and foot on people you could do without. Welcome to the wonderful world of restaurants where kids choke on mozzarella sticks, there’s spit-up in the breadbasket and plenty of shitty tips. Your best bet is trying to land a job at Hooters in hopes that you’ll get discovered for the next Penthouse spread. 3) Blogger: Whether it’s a new stoner recipe collection, comics, or an even more pathetic version of a LiveJournal (if that could even exist), you will be one among millions of other Tumblr, Blogger, and WordPress hopefuls. Sure you may develop weak retinas from staring at a computer screen and a severe case of agoraphobia, but none of that can belittle the extreme dedication of your six devoted readers. 2) Intern: Welcome to corporate purgatory. Paid or unpaid, interns are never respected. You are the bitch and your boss is pimp-daddy Reverend Valentine. You’ll do mountains of monotonous tasks and get treated like an insignificant piece of shit. Only the duties of utmost importance will be given to you; this may include sending faxes, licking envelopes, and fetching coffee for people who’ll never bother to learn your name. By the end of your first month, you will have already begun planning the company’s demise. 1) Parent: Wow, good life decision. Thanks for creating another useless child in a struggling world of over 7 billion. Too bad you couldn’t use that college-educated brain of yours to think before having unprotected sex.

Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this


Freshman Year Roommates

Where Are They Now?

Black Betty wrote this

Ah, freshman year—a year full of surprises, new friends, and pregnancy scares. Whether you went into your living situation blind or knew the person coming in, you probably don’t know what they’re up to now. Or maybe you do. Okay, just keep reading the fucking article and quit being difficult. Freshman Year: A loud, English major and thespian who loved reading and knew everything there was to know about philosophy and the arts. She broke up with her boyfriend because he disagreed on a personal philosophy regarding Descartes’ meditations. She loved hookah, but was never a big drinker. Today: As an activist for pandas and the environment, she is traveling the country to speak, rally and fight for the right to breathe clean air and give pandas hugs. She also still enjoys the occasional spliff to toxify her precious lungs. Freshman Year: You knew each other in high school and hung out with her all summer because you love having new best friends and couldn’t wait for your future together! She liked to drink, party, flirt and cry. A lot. She kissed the guy she knew you had a crush on, then played dumb to avoid getting slammed in the face. She still got slammed in the face. That bitch cray. Today: You decided to never live with her again, and consequently, your life improved significantly. You tolerate each other and occasionally drink together, but deep down you know your relationship is a drunken farce that only feels real when you’re (a little more than) buzzed with her, waiting in line at The Landshark. Freshman Year: You met on because you didn’t know anyone from high school who would be a worthy match to live with, and didn’t want to get stuck with a total psycho going in

blind. You hit it off initially because you’re both Irish and she didn’t really seem like a bitch at first. Today: As it turns out, she was a total bitch. Every interaction you had with her went horribly and she graduated a semester early to get the hell away from you (and also because you told her she was a fat kleptomaniac with daddy issues). Now she lives states away with a decent job, but you make yourself feel better by telling yourself that she just works at McDonald’s. Freshman Year: You met in high school, and he seemed like a cool dude, so you ended up just being like, “Fuck it, let’s just live together, bro!” And you did! And it was cool while it lasted, but things got weird when he wanted to have a circle jerk during Elf. You guys kind of drifted apart after that. Today: He’s still a cool dude, but you don’t see or talk to him much anymore besides the occasional Facebook stalking when you’re bored in your IAH. Now he lives with dudes who shave their chests and have gym memberships. Freshman Year: You went in blind and lucked out. You and your roommate were like two peas in a pod, (except the peas were humans and the pod was a dorm room). You did everything together. And I mean everrrrrrything. Today: As it turns out, it wasn’t just a bromance— it was the real deal. You guys are still living together, and this time you’re sharing a room. And a bed. And sometimes you guys have butt sex. Things are going well. So, as you can see, freshman year roommates don’t always have to leave a sour taste in your mouth. Sometimes it can be sweet! Real sweet.

2250: The East Lansing Odyssey

(Not To Be Confused With That Shitty Greek Paper) Justin Gawel wrote this “Alright, now, Justin just take a few of these Mexican Midols, then pop a couple random unlabeled pills from the fun mystery bag, then we’ll each get one or two zannie bars from the Pills-bury Bro Boy’s stash down the hall, and then we’re going to the bar for Double Coupon Tuesday!” Don’t remember a thing after that. Not anything for the rest of the year. In fact, I didn’t remember anything until I was kicked awake on the corner of Grand River and Abbot, where a calendar clock informed me that the year was 2250 and some homeless spaceman was asking me for cans and trying to act like he was NOT addicted to ultra-galactic-heroin. Nice try, buddy. Some things never change…Wait, hold on, what is ultra-galactic-heroin? I thought to myself, shit, this is definitely the future. Damn you, Pills-bury Bro Boy! A hovering CATA bus suddenly descended from the sky and nearly hit me. A sign on the side of the bus read, “Now fueled entirely by the homeless who use these as bathrooms.”Jesus, the future is disgusting. A crowd of students poured out of the bus and headed in all opposite directions, constantly popping pills into their mouths. I caught up to a hooker-ish looking space-student and asked her what those pills were and why she was going through them faster than a crying fat girl through a box of Kleenex, a tub of Miracle Whip, or a Ryan Gosling movie marathon. Space-Hooker-Girl-Student informed me that everyone in the future has developed horrible ADHD from the rapid improvements in technology to the point that if they’re not popping Adderall every waking moment they’ll forget what they are doing and who they are completely. I said, "wow, that’s fascinating, Space-Hooker Girl Student, but enough talk. How’s about I fly my lunar rocket into your black hole? I feel a gravitational pull between them, ya dig?" She responded with something about how it’s a big misconception that everyone in the future loves space-related puns. She assured me that no one even likes space puns, and that a creep like me should go find an actual hooker because I am so depraved and lonely. Then she stormed off before I could even ask her directions to their hooker district! Boy, people in the future have no manners. Fortunately, after aimlessly stumbling around Future East Lansing for a block or two I ran across a booth labeled “FutureSex/LoveSounds” at Charles and Grand River, and it only cost

me four ounces of blood to enter it (Yes, as I’ve said a million times before: blood will eventually replace all forms of money.) After less than a minute in the stall I couldn’t contain myself anymore (verbally and physically). “Oh, those poor fools back in 2011,” I exclaimed, “Fizzin’ their jizz to Internet porn and then having to clean themselves up with cum rags that are nothin’ more than their dirty socks. Sounds like a third world country compared to this realistically awesome virtual future-sex-booth. Seriously, I couldn’t tell the difference between this thing and screwing a real person who’s a complete stranger, except that I’d have to have that awkward herpes talk after with a real stranger. The future is awesome!” It was at this point that my brain abruptly blacked-out from being so satisfied and having literally all of my endorphins released. Then, all of a sudden, I woke up back in 2011 with a wicked headache. As it turns out, after twenty minutes at the bar I took my dick out, stood on one of the tables, and started demanding “a big bang, like a future-space-fuck” from our waitress. My friends abruptly realized how messed up I was, took me home, and then I hallucinated the whole traveling forward in time bit. Go figure.

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From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask?!

As colder weather inevitably approaches, what do you think is the best and worst part about winter at MSU? "Best Thing: Hats with Koosh balls on top. Worst Thing: Everything else, it's the least wonderful time of the year...I'm Jewish." -Abby S.

Novembeard Chronicles Cody Manthei wrote this Everyone knows that having a beard makes a man perform better in bed. That’s just science. A beard brings greatness to a man like nothing else can, and that’s precisely why November is one of the top three best months of the year. Thanksgiving is nice, but it’s not where November really shines— November’s true notoriety comes from the no-shave tradition. Beards will be sprouting all over campus within the following weeks and we should all feel blessed by this opportunity to witness exemplary facial landscaping all around us. But, for all you nonbeard growers (a.k.a women and men who rollerblade), you miss out on the inner joy that comes from growing a beard. So, for you, here is one man’s account of his journey through No Shave November: Week One: And so it begins. I have left my miserable life behind and joined the ranks of all the great beard growers throughout history: George Washington, Poseidon, and Robert E. Lee just to name a few (although I’m not on their level just yet). As of today, the only hairs on my face are light patches on my upper left cheekbone and the right side of the cleft on my chin. I can already feel the power exuding from my face. And as President Barack Obama has always said, “With a great beard comes great responsibility.”

Week Three: I’m finally starting to see some real progress as I’m beginning to look like a young Grizzly Adams. My beard is thick and long— as long as a three-inch, two-centimeter piece of hair on the floor of the bathtub. However, this beautiful work of face art is a double-edged sword: It makes me feel like a man, but people are starting to give me spare change as I walk down the street. Don’t get me wrong, I never turn down free money, but my pockets are starting to get so full that my pants are falling down randomly. To my dismay, this gives me the image of a drunken homeless man, and only one of those words describes me. On another note, I keep getting food stuck in this thing. I’m not sure if that’s normal, but I really kind of love having leftovers. My father always said, “the mark of a true beard is a mustard stain.”

"With a great beard comes great responsibility."

Week Two: The progress is slow, but I now have an even layer of hair over my face. It’s not too long, but I’m pretty sure I have Lou Anna K. beat now—she really does have an elegant beard though. And although I seem to be getting more looks from women now, this beard has not gotten me any tail. (And that was really the only reason I started growing this thing in the first place.) No worries, though— as the hair cums, so will the ladiez.

Week Four: OK, this thing is miserable! It itches to all hell and has an uncanny resemblance to an unkempt bush (and I’m not talking about decorative shrubbery). Women won’t talk to me because, apparently, I look like a sexual predator. And to make matters worse, today someone asked me if I was an RCAH student. Good God, what has my life become? My own mother won’t talk to me because she “wants a son, not a pedophile.” I can’t wait to shave in December—I didn’t know a beard could change my life so drastically. Unfortunately, Cody didn’t make it to December. His journey ended shortly after he wrote that last diary entry due to a freak accident. When Cody went to sleep that night, his beard strangled him to death. Although this story doesn’t have a happy ending, there is something that all of us can learn: not everyone can handle a beard. So, to all of our readers who are growing beards this month, please, please be careful. Beards are nothing to be fucked with. Good luck!

"Best Thing: Peppermint hot chocolate. Worst Thing: Shoveling. It takes me 3 1/2 hours." -Jackie V.

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Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm $1 Pints 8PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 11/09

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 55-cent boneless wings Join us for Happy Hour!

Thirstygirl Thursday DJ EC3 – NO Cover $1.95 You Call It Wells, Calls & Beers

“Thirsty Thursday” $0.75 Cans of Faygo $1.75 Pints of Badass Beer $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

$2 Domestic Pints & Wells $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Pints $3.50 Beef Schawarma Sandwiches, $5.50 Falafel Salads & $6 Chicken Schawarma Salads

THURS, 11/10

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm MSU vs. UNC at 7PM!

TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks


$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 11/11

Watch The Spartans Wipe Out The Hawkeyes On Our HD Flat-Screens! Game @ Noon! $5 Domestic & $7 Craft/Premium Pitchers, $5 16oz Long Islands & 22oz Dead Guy Ales, $2 SoCo Lime Shots, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our "Other" Wines $12.95 Surf & Turf Entrees & $2 Off All Our Vegetarian Entrees

SAT, 11/12

Buy one dawg and drink (soda/beer/ juice) and ask for a free small fry!

$1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

Come Cheer on MSU as We Take On Iowa at Noon! Go Green! Go White!

$2 Pints $3 Calls

Watch the Spartans Take on the Iowa at Noon! NCAA Football All Day and Night! $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Lions vs. Bears at 4PM!

SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close

Lions and Bears at 4PM! Come Cheer on Megatron with $2 DOMESTICS ALL DAY LONG! $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

$3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 11/13

$1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers

“Slider Specials” $1 Singles/$2 Doubles 100% Ground Angus (toppings extra) $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm to 12am

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 11/14

Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas

Twos-day! 11am - 10:30pm 2 Special Coneys for $2 24oz Keystone for $2 $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm to 12am

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 11/15

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 11/16

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Monday Night Football! Come catch all the game action on our big screen TVs! Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings

Stop in for lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less! MSU vs. Duke at 7PM!

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!



of the




Woody’s Oa

Age: 23 Major: Community Relations Relationship Status: Single Nickname: Court If you had to describe yourself in 3 words, which would they be? Clumsy, careless, reckless What’s your favorite party song? “Monster” by Kanye West Do you have any irrational fears? Spiders and the dark If you could have a super power, what would it be? Flying What’s the best or most ridiculous pick-up line you’ve ever heard from a customer? When I asked somebody if they wanted a drink they said, “I’ll take a pitcher of you.” Have you ever pulled a prank on someone? What did you do? Water

ballooning… a lot What would you do if you woke up tomorrow as president of the United States? I would apologize to the nation If you could hook up with any celebrity, who would it be? Jared Leto like 5 years ago What are your biggest turn-ons? Nice arms and good manners What are your biggest turn-offs? Bad teeth and rudeness Tell me one thing that not many people know about you? I used to do ballet, and I was pretty good at it. What's the craziest thing you've ever done while drunk? Fell asleep on top of a parking structure Shout-outs: All of my co-workers at Woody’s and The Peanut Barrel!

recipe for disaster:

drinking game:

JENGA! Before a night on the town, everyone needs some good, hard wood. Yes, guys too. So strap in and sit down for a game that can get real sexy in a hurry. We’re talking about Jenga, of course. What you need: Friends (or random strangers you find on the street, but hey, up to you), Jenga, a permanent marker, and any kind of alcohol you want. Number of players: Two or more. Intoxication Level: The stack of bricks won’t be the only thing toppling over. How to Play: -Grab your Jenga game and pull out the blocks. -Write instructions on each block with your handy dandy permanent marker. You can make them really simple things like giving out drinks or you can make them more personalized. -Suggested instructions: chug your drink; take a shot; kiss the person next to you; remove an article of clothing; spend the rest of the round making chicken noises; take the drink of the person to your left; lick your foot; make a rule. -Each person must pull a block out from Jenga and follow what it says. In the event that someone makes a rule, everyone must follow it or suffer the consequences (take six!). -After the block has been pulled and the instructions have been followed, the block must be placed on a top corner of the pile. -When the pile falls, the person at fault must chug the rest of his or her drink. The Game Ends When: The tower falls or people become unable to see straight.

thirsty for more?

Hot Dog Mac and Cheese

Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you lunch? It was probably macaroni and cheese and a hot dog on multiple occasions. I bet you miss those days. Lucky for you, there’s a college kid’s version of it! What you need: Any box of mac and cheese, any kind of hot dog, a stove, a microwave, pepper (optional), tobasco sauce (optional), and bread (also optional). Cook time: Ten minutes. Tops. Fatty factor: This all depends on your meat to pasta ratio. It’s clearly carb and sodium heavy, but who cares? You can be healthy when you graduate. Let’s Get bakin’: -Turn on the stovetop. -Boil that water. -Add the noodles and wait for them to soften. -Drain noodles. -Microwave your desired amount of hot dogs on a paper plate. Maximum 1 minute. -Add your butter to the macaroni and stir until it’s mostly melted. -Add the provided cheese packet and stir. -Add the milk (for cheesier mac and cheese, add minimal milk). -Stir until it’s all nice and creamy. -Chop up your hot dogs into small pieces. -Add the hot dogs to the macaroni and cheese. Stir. -For some extra flavor, add your desired amount of pepper and/or tobasco sauce. -If you’re in the mood for a sandwich, grab some bread and pile on the Mac and Cheese. -Get a plate, and go at it like you’re about to be fucking executed. Or if you’re in the mood for something lighter and more hilarious, eat it in front of your friends and make panting noises as you chew. This lets them know how orgasmic it is. This recipe is awesome because it’s a throwback to your childhood. It’s cheap and affordable (ideal college kid foods), and if you decide to use the bread, it’s even going to help out your hangover!


Another Educational Moment with Teddy Baum Cox

I want to start off by apologizing to my readers— I'm sorry. I recently wrote an article that I thought would serve Michigan State students the humor and lessons in life that they need. It wasn't until after a few e-mails, name-calling and nights of reflecting I realized I was wrong. I thought I had taught y’all everything you needed to know about economics, but after a handful of you failed the first exam, I realized I goofed. My bad. I left out the critical issue of substitution goods, and there’s really no better time to learn about it because East Lansing is currently facing a critical Adderall shortage. Frat guys and hyperactive kids from all over campus are panicking as the market has dried up and demand has remained constant. The supply was cut and its prices skyrocketed, and odds are your funds are not able to keep up— this is where substitution goods come into play. Example time, goddamit: It’s finally the weekend and you got your measly paycheck of 50 bucks from the cafeteria. Time to buy some quality booze, knock it back with some friends, and hopefully do the genitalia tango with a sexy lady/bro. Sadly, those fucksticks from PACE left you a steaming pile of shit on the hood of your car to the tune of fifteen bucks. Now your budget is more messed up than I was on TBS barcrawl. (And that’s saying something.) So, now you’re down to $35 and can't afford that fancy bottle of whiskey. Evan Williams, it is. Bite the bullet and curse PACE under your breath, but revel in the fact that you just substituted goods to the max.

Substitution goods are goods that are not your first choice; you only buy them when you are constrained by your budget, prices of your favorite good increase, or supply gets cut. When you’re scraping the bottom of your wallet, you resort to the cheaper, crappier goods in hopes of stretching that dollar. You substitute quality in order to make ends meet. Do you want a shit ton of watered down piss beer or a six-pack of some tasty Michigan homebrew? Piss beer. All day. So, how does all of this relate to Adderall? Well, its supply has been cut and we need to find substitutes. Sure, we could try to study without uppers and do it the old fashioned way, but who wants to read about bugs from the pre-historic era if you can’t do it on amphs? Not this guy. The market has plenty of options including, but not limited to: Focalin, Concerta, Dexedrine, Ritalin, and hell, even Vyvanze. Don't be afraid if you hear the names of these different study drugs floating around; they’re not extremely different from Adderall, but they also have different names for a reason. Rule one, do your research. Know these drugs and read a few reviews. Possible side effects include but are not limited to: a smaller penis (blood flow goes from dick to brain), inclination to grind your teeth, lack of appetite, insatiable thirst, incessant conversation, etc. If you don’t mind suffering from the following, you’ll probably be just fine with any of these drugs. So, with that—study safe, and study on my sheep. Study on.

Best sports week ever! Friday: MSU vs. Duke 7PM saturday: MSU vs. iowa noon sunday: lions vs bears 4PM tuesday: MSU vs. unc 7PM 70+ hdtvs | Great food amazing drink specials all week!

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$3 dou


the entertainment page the black sheep interviews:

12 planet th

The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do? 12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a checkin room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke. One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music, dubstep?” I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it. TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music? 12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes. It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute.

Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”) But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.

TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats? 12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day. TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends. How did you guys meet? 12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends. It’s always party time. TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show? 12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun. TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or post-show rituals?

thanks for nothing, thanksgiving Music: Mary J. BligeMy Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.

12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now. It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance. So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk. TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking? 12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer; it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugar-free Red Bull. TBS: What else is on your rider? 12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes. TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick? 12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week. If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day. TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you wish you were stuck with? 12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times.

Record it on a phone and call it a day. TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain? 12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that. TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…” 12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting. Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough! TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that. 12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too.


Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.” By: Brendan

Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town. They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.

Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.” Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.


the interview

Mat Kearney

We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician. Be sure to check out Kearney's latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician? Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself. TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use? MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter. TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural? MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently. [When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day. TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy? MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too. TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else? MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hip-hop record. Then I would take it away and try to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on.


Out Now

Summer camp

Welcome to Condale


We’ll be welcomed back to Summer Camp any day. When I think of the noun “summer camp,” visions of running around in a wet swimsuit, flirting with the boys in the older cabins and maxing out on popsicles is what floods my mind. The music that could be the proverbial soundtrack to all of that carefree nonsense is inconsequently from a London duo called Summer Camp who, despite only making music together for about two years, have managed to make their mark on the fuzzy-wuzzy buzzband circuit. And maybe because they look so good with that sunkissed glow. Welcome to Condale starts off with a great catchy pop tune “Better Off Without You” that sounds vaguely 80s but in the best, most genuine way. The album continues on in a similar poppy fashion, with spurts of interesting interludes like the beginning of “I Want You,” which sounds like the beginning of a dramatic movie scene and continues on with somewhat daunting lyrics and slow-downed techno beats. The British influence on the band is somehow more prominent during the track “Losing My Mind” where both members of the band come in for vocals, providing that nice texture of varying vocal styles. “Down” is another awesome, catchy tune that makes you want to do the running man in neon leg-warmers, like, so badly. Their stand-out track, though, is “Ghost Train” which starts off with a spo-

ken break-up (“I wanna get hurt!”) and continues on into a beautifully orchestrated song that has all the makings for a summer romance. Or a winter romance—something has to keep you warm these days. Either way, this will be a track you’ll have on repeat and be so content about it. While the album does an overall great job with the music and the lyrics, it could stand for a little bit more diversity. The slower songs come at you like an unexpected wedgie, one that you couldn’t even laugh at later. But what’s great about Summer Camp is their unique sound, and that they own it. For seemingly ripping off any number of '80s band, this group plays it up perfectly without being forced or kitsch, yet still manages to put a hip 2000s spin on it that is as much refreshing as it is beneficial. To be able to strike that balance shows their legitimate talent, and is what gives me hope that this group will continue to do great things. Hopefully they’ll be back next year… please, please let them be back next year, but with smoother skin and no more braces. Sounds Like: Summertime in 1985. Download: Ghost Train, Down, 1988 Listen to it When: The cold is getting you down, and so is 2011.

UPCOMING RELEASES >>> Angels & Airwaves -Love Part One and Part Two Disturbed - Lost Children Cass McCombs -Humor Risk Now 40: That's What I Call Music

Keith Jarrett - Rio Mac Miller - Blue Slide Park David Lynch - Crazy Clown Park Animals as Leaders - Weightless

TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album? MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gutwrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that. TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you? MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate to that stylistically and also emotionally. TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage alone? MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an interesting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band. I don’t think I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends. TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who would you choose? MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting. TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in? MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in. I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to everywhere we’re going, always. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time.

( class time )

6 degrees of separation

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beyonce knowles

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising Manager Anthony Dostal Contributing Writers Alex Everard Cristina Toscano Justin Gawel Alex Acton Andrew Fleming Cody Manthei Krystyn Daly Frank Sorise Samantha Shaughnessy Billy Gardner Leanne Johnson Ziev Beresh photographer Jackie Cash

Distribution Annalise Stromsta (Manager) Anna Aiken (Helper) pr team Jessica Holli Chris Amrich campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions? Advertising?

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Michigan State - 11/9/11 - v05i11  
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Michigan State - 11/9/11 - v05i11