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the Black Sheep “A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Volume 5, Issue 9 | 10/26/11 -11/2/11

*special edition* This issue is based on fiction, not fact. Well, maybe some fact. But mostly fiction, because that means we can write more dick jokes.

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Area Bowler Shares Concerns About UFOs, Few Seem to Care

EAST LANSING, MI – Barney Wilson, a self-described “avid bowler,” yet known as a “fucking idiot” by his neighborhood shared his thoughts about extraterrestrials with whomever would listen to him in the line of the local Kroger last Sunday. “People need to know. I’m the purveyor of truth for this community,” reported the delusional Wilson. “I’m not a hero, I’m just an average guy trying to save people from falling into the aliens’ trap of eating at Red Lobster and ingesting that sweet mind control serum these space invaders are using to manipulate us and mess with the gold market!” CONTINUED ON PAGE 5

Mary Mayo’s Bitch Ghost

Truly A Raging Bitch

Residents Worried That Halloween Candy Killer May Strike Again East Lansing is preparing itself for a possible repeat of last year’s horrific Halloween events. A year ago this week, numerous trick-or-treaters were given poisoned candy, gumballs with metal shards inside them, and perhaps worst of all, fruit. Police searched the area and followed all possible leads, but the candy killer was not found. Three candy-poisoning deaths were linked to the killer and countless nights were ruined by the apricots and dates that this lowlife distributed. The town is preparing for what could be another repeat of the candy killer’s wrath.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 11 EAST LANSING, MI – Amid longstanding rumors of Mary Mayo Hall, a dorm in West Circle, being haunted, students report encounters with the ghost of Mary Mayo, the woman who is the hall’s namesake. Mayo is known for beginning a women’s program at Michigan State University when it was called Michigan Agricultural College in the late 1800s. Unfortunately, centuries later it is still reported that her ghost is a raging bitch. -- CONTINUED ON PAGE 7 --


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Apology from the editor

Dearest Readers, Here at The Black Sheep, our tagline has always been, “a college newspaper that actually talks about college.” Our writers are students just like you—we want to talk about the everyday issues in that matter most to college students and deliver that information lot a lighthearted and (hopefully) humorous way. We poke fun at a of things in a lot of ways, but I want to make it very clear that it has never been our intention to outwardly offend anyone with the content we produce. With that being said, I’d like to formally apologize to anyone who was offended by an article that we printed in our last issue. It came to my attention that several readers were unhappy with the “So, I Heard You Got Whiskey Dick” article that was written by Teddy Baum Cox. For those of you who are regular readers of the paper, you know that Teddy’s articles have a tendency to be a bit more vulgar, blunt, and explicit than some of the other content in our paper. To us, the overall ridiculous attitude and behavior that was conveyed throughout that article was part of the character that Teddy had created for himself as a writer over time. The various viewpoints of Teddy have never reflected the actual opinions of the writer or the people behind this paper as a whole. That being said, I certainly realize why the article could have come off much differently and how people saw this is as offensive, particularly toward women. As a woman myself, it never has been, nor will it ever be my intention to publish anything that is degrading or offensive to other women (or anyone else). The last thing we want to do is upset the readers and advertisers who make this paper possible. Without all of your guys’ love, support, and loyalty— this paper wouldn’t exist. I hope that those of you who were offended by the article will forgive us and keep reading the paper.

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Word of the week Bartography:

A Banshee Miser Tiff Tin

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Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: The strategic mapping of local pubs, dives, cantinas, clubs and watering holes that allows for maximum drinking during a bar crawl. Sentence: “Steve’s bartography skills ensured that the entire sweatpants barcrawl was sufficiently drunk by midnight.”


04

The Red Cedar River Runs Red With Blood BY CRISTINA TOSCANO Environmental Reporter

East Lansing, MI— Late last eve, the shadow of a male pupil was seen discarding contents into the Red Cedar River that one witness claimed were body parts of some kind. Dorothy Mae Johnson, a Religious Studies major at Michigan State College was walking home alone from her boyfriend’s apartment when she noticed the strange behavior. “Well, it was pretty dark and I didn’t have my contacts in. And I had drank quite a bit of wine, but like, I knew something was off,” Johnson remarked. Feeling courageous, Johnson waited for the man to leave and tiptoed closer to the scene to get a better look. What lied in that river was something much worse than Dorothy could have ever imagined. “There were... penises everywhere,” Johnson said in disgust as she shuddered.

Local Librarian Has Hauntingly Depressing Brush With Love by Justin Gawel Field Reporter EAST LANSING, MI –Routine and quiet. To her coworkers, librarian Beverly Hoffbuckler, 59, could be described in those words. Beverly works at Michigan State’s main library by day and eventually retires to her lonely, simple duplex each evening for warm soup and a chapter or two of a mystery novel. “Beverly who?” commented one of her equally aged and disgusting co-workers. That reputation changed two Fridays ago. While strolling to her car, Hoffbuckler heard a soft wailing coming from within the Beaumont Tower. “It was a low murmur,” Hoffbuckler recalled. “Then, the haunting voice became friendly and asked me what my name was and what my interests were.” The starved-for-any-sort-of-contact Hoffbuckler gladly told her name and what she liked to do in her free time. However, the quote was far too long for any normal person to want to read or for this newspaper to even consider running. After that exchange of pleasantries, Hoffbuckler recalls that the voice complimented her sweetly before inviting her to see him again next Friday night, but as a show of affection,he wanted her to bring, “Some boooooooze, preferably Booooooones Farm.” Hoffbuckler accepted. That moment marked Beverly’s first date in more than fifteen years. That next week at work Hoffbuckler was in a remarkable mood. One of Hoffbuckler’s co-workers (who should have died several years ago, in this reporter’s opinion) observed, “I’ve never seen [Hoffbuckler] so chipper, she didn’t cry at her desk once or call the suicide hotline at all that week. Although, I believe the latter may be useless at this point, as I am certain that the hotline has blocked her number by now.” Friday at lunch Hoffbuckler could barely contain her excitement, “What if the voice is like Patrick Swayze in Ghost, but now that he’s dead it’s actually Patrick Swayze haunting the Beaumont Tower? When he was diagnosed with cancer I never thought it would recharge my sex drive like this!”

Turned off by her enthusiasm for Patrick Swayze’s cancer, most of her co-workers took this opportunity to exit the break room and leave Hoffbuckler in her natural element: alone. Though unfazed by the disinterest of her coworkers, Hoffbuckler trudged through the rest of her workday—anxiously waiting for the moments she could relax and open overchilled Boone’s Farm with her mysterious friend who was haunting the Beaumont Tower. “I couldn’t wait to rub this date in my rowdy, ruffian neighbors’ faces. I’ll displace their faces so bad that they’ll never be able to save face again in that dumb Asian culture of theirs! Eh, eh, you see what I did there? Yeah, check it out, I’m a librarian word wizard!” This was just the sort of anti-Oriental-smug-librarian bit that had driven away all of Hoffbuckler’s friends and family in her fifty-nine years of living.

"that moment marked beverly's first date in more than fifteen years." Beverley’s shift finally ended. She sashayed out of the main library toward the tower, arms full of wine, heart all aflutter.“It’s me, Beverly,” she exclaimed upon arriving to the tower’s base. “Goooood. Now leave the bottles there and come back here. I’ve got a boooooooquet for you,” the voice answered. Hoffbuckler hurried over to the other side of the Beaumont Tower and found nothing. But when she returned,she saw three sixteen-year-olds running off with her gift. “Thanks for the Booooooones Farm, you depressing piece of shit,” one of them yelled before running off into the distance. Heartbroken, Hoffbuckler sat down and cocked her head up as she forced a half-hearted laugh, “I guess I should’ve known.” Beverly Hoffbuckler’s funeral will be held next Friday at 4p.m. in the basement of the main library. Her family has requested that no one tries to contact them as they have already forgotten.

Not knowing exactly what she had stumbled upon, Johnson called the police who arrived at the scene shortly afterward. Reports indicate that the body of Steven Abroham was put into an inflatable boat that was filled with penises and dumped into the river. Abroham’s penis was severed and placed into his own mouth, but there were at least 30 others penises that belonged to animals of several different species surrounding the body. Local police chief, Alan Cumming was flabbergasted, “Ya, we’ve never seen anything like this. There was a rhino dick in there. How does someone even get their hands on a rhino dick around here?” After a full-scale investigation, authorities learned that this shocking crime was an act of revenge toward the fraternity brothers belonging to Alpha Sigma Sigma. Steven Abroham was their president. During the fall, Alpha Sigma Sigma had 10 new pledges, one of which was the culprit of the crime, Kirk Seman. When asked why he committed such an atrocious crime, Seman gladly told his side of the story. “Me and the other guys were nearing the end of rush week and were really excited at the prospect of becoming A.S.S. brothers. The hazing was bad and I thought about quitting, but we were so close to the end that I knew I had to stick it out until the last day. Steve Abroham said that there was only one more activity planned for the pledges—he put a blindfold on me and everyone else was in a circle standing around me while Marvin Gaye played in the background. Then, all of a sudden, the brothers shouted 'Ejaculation ending for Seman!' and they proceeded to ejaculate all over me from every angle as they shouted things like ‘faggy-ass fag’ and ‘homo-ass fag.’ I was covered in other men’s semen. Do you know what that does to a person? I’ll tell you. It makes them fucking murder people.” The brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma refused to comment on the matter, but one of the other pledges who wished to remain anonymous said, “I didn’t think they’d come, I didn’t think they’d come.”   As word of this case spread around East Lansing, many other students have come forward to the police to share similar stories about their experiences with Steven Abroham. It appears as if Abroham was rather notorious for this kind of behavior. In a very short interview, Abroham’s parents commented and said that Steven suffered from a medical condition that made him produce five times more semen than the average male. “He jizzed on others as a way to cope. It was very hard on him,” Nancy Abroham, Steven’s mother remarked. Kirk Seman has been arrested and will soon face a court date for his crimes. The A.S.S. brothers have dismembered and the fraternity has been shut down until further notice.


05

www.theblacksheeponline.com CONCERNED OVER UFO'S CONTINUED FROM COVER “Who knows? They might all already be under the influence of these extraterrestrials. It all comes back to the secret societies; they’re the ones that allow this to happen. Political stuff, the movie biz, all of it is just manipulated by aliens to get us to mate so that there will eventually be enough people on Earth to enslave and so we can build a giant satellite for their reptile planet.”

Wilson’s tirade ended when the manager of the store, Dennis MacElhenny, intervened after Wilson made a series of anti-Semitic comments claiming that all Jews were just reptile aliens and had always had a secret agenda to infiltrate the human society. MacElhenny elaborated, “Yeah, it’s really bad for business when you have a guy accusing Jews of these things. I mean, come on, how many business plans, excluding Naziowned stores and the Ford Motor Company, include anti-Semitism as one of the founding pillars of their organization?” MacElhenny went on to describe how businesses work until a loud crash came from the back of the store. He assumed that something had fallen over, but indicated that Wilson was quick to believe UFOs were responsible. “They’re here!” Wilson shouted as he ran to the site of the commotion. Witnesses claim that the stir was indeed caused by UFOs. It is reported that a small spaceship landed in the produce section where an alien proceeded to exit the spacecraft, collect a variety of fruits and vegetables, pay at the counter, and leave without causing any trouble. Wilson was al-

Mutant Dogs Terrorize the City of East Lansing BY BAILEY WALSH Staff Reporter Chaos erupted in downtown East Lansing yesterday afternoon when several moronic veterinary students inadvertently created a dangerous concoction of gasses that sent their research dogs into psychosis upon inhalation. Police reports indicate that more than 30 dogs of several different breeds managed to break free from the laboratory where they proceeded to run rampant across campus and into the downtown area. Countless students, senior citizens, and small children with their families were meandering through the city when the dogs attacked. Pandemonium quickly broke out, but the ELPD was late to the scene. Passersby claim that many of the canines were bleeding from their rectums and losing hair by the handful as they sprinted through the streets at abnormally high speeds. “Yeah, their buttholes were losing a lot of blood. I’d say each butthole lost a bathtub of blood. It was like, more blood than they even had room to store. It’ll probably take a good 3-4 days before that gets cleaned up. Might even be permanent. I ‘spose it’s just a waiting game right now,” explained local barbershop owner, Harry Cutz. The citizens involved in this freak accident were lucky that head coach Duffy Daugherty, and his Spartan football team were passing by when they did as they quickly jumped in to help.

legedly in shock for the duration of the alien’s visit and was not able to move until several hours afterward. MacElhenny’s attitude toward the event was indifferent, “I don’t blame the thing. Probably don’t have any kind of fresh fruit on Mars or Jupiter. And he paid in cash. Can’t turn that down in this economy.” Once Wilson finally escaped his stupor, he preached to the customers once again. Despite the general dismissal and lack of interest in what he was ranting about, Wilson assured the crowd that he would “keep on preaching the truth” and would “try to wake up humanity from their ignorant slumber.” Wilson was asked to leave the store and has since been banned from the establishment after several customers complained. A further investigation of the alien encounter will not be undergone at this time as local residents did not show any concern.

by justin gawel Field Reporter

“Well, you know, we do what we do and we hope what we do are those things that do inspire hope,” Daugherty remarked. Leading kicker, David Kaiser, was a particularly outstanding hero in this terrifying event. Witnesses claim that one elderly woman was knocked over and pinned down by a canine twice her size. Screaming and crying as the dog thrust his malformed genitals across her feeble body, Kaiser stepped in and seized the canine. Kaiser ran a safe distance away before punting the mutant, goo-covered dog more than 57 yards. Though the elderly woman died of a heart attack shortly afterward, Kaiser did beat his personal record by 3 yards. Authorities report that all of the infected dogs have since been killed. An investigation of the persons responsible for this catastrophe is currently underway. Veterinary student, Betsy Ratard, was one of the six students conducting experiments that caused the calamity. When asked what they were attempting to achieve with their research, Ratard replied with excitement. “Well, you know cancer? Like, dog cancer? We were like, finding out why dogs get cancer and stuff!” Upon further investigation and questioning with other members of the group, authorities learned that the students involved were actually researching in hopes of developing a treatment for canines that would help counteract the effects of the rabies virus before it reached the central nervous system. The students claim that the proportions must have been too large, which causes an opposite effect. They proceeded to explain that these dogs contracted some-

thing much different and much worse than rabies—they contracted Super Rabies. Group member, Cornelius Tinnedik explained it like this, “You see, based on the relative theories of quantum physics and the measurements bestowed from their contingent nature, our mistake was inherently inevitable, but we have most certainly learned immensely from this realizing experience. We are hugely apologetic toward those ill-affected individuals.” Just before his idiotic bullshit could be called out, a book dropped from his bag. Super Rabies for Dummies. Tinnedik was arrested and taken to jail later that afternoon and will face several felony charges. The blood is expected to be removed within the week, but Grand River will be closed until further notice.


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SHOUT OUTS! To our friends next to BWW, we really appreciate you letting us party in your house while you went to the bars. Sorry for getting you a disorderly ticket. sincerely, your freshmen friends Jack, dining and dashing is so high school. You owe me $16.... Travis To the receiver of my possum last week. It wasnt dead when i threw it. No idea what happened. Good luck with the live racoon. To the weirdo who writes "April Fools" in dog shit on the sidewalk, I may of shit on my shoes, but you have shit on your hands. April Fools. Sincerely, Normal Person To Maggie, is this the year we pull the costume switch/ boyfriend switch? I think so...get excited! -Steph Dear freshmen, when preparing for Halloween, please remember to ask yourself, "Can this outfit be any sluttier?" The answer should always, and will always, be yes. Welcome to college! Megs, thanks for the best 21st EVER. Nothing beats wearing a crown while hugging a toilet... just don't share those pics! Steve, please don't dress like cock and balls again. Getting lame...love everyone you know. SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


07

www.theblacksheeponline.com MARY MAYO'S BITCH GHOST CONTINUED FROM COVER

“It was winter break last year,” reported psychology junior, Joey Bewbs. “I was the only one in Mayo. After fondling myself for a while, I heard the dryer start running in the laundry room. I’m like, ‘What the hell is that?’ so I go to check out the dryer. The timer was at 60 minutes, meaning it had just started, and I’m like, ‘How did it even go on?’ “So I stop the dryer,” Bewb continued, “went back to my room and was like, ‘God damn, all this masturbating burned calories. I need some food.’ So I get a pizza, add bacon, pepperoni, sausage, and ham because I’m a man. Before I go down to get it, I’m wondering what the deal is with that dryer. I go back, open it, and find it chock full of wet shit, all plain sweatshirts and sweatpants. So I go down, get my pizza, and come back up to open the dryer again and check the shit out. Now it’s all dry and warm, even though the clothes were soaked only one short trip downstairs before. That freaked me out. I went and locked myself in my room, and didn’t leave for a day. That bitch be nuts.” This wasn’t the only encounter reported with the ghost. “She’s a total bitch” Social Relations and Policy junior Emily Tittius had this to say about the “most awkward bathroom encounter of her life,” “I was studying with a friend in Mayo for midterms Spring semester of last year. It was past midnight, and I had to make a tinkie-winkle, so I went to the bathroom. When you walk in through the doors of the women’s bathroom on Mayo’s ground floor, you can see right to the handicapped stall. I went in, and there was a girl just standing in the handicapped stall with her eyes deadlocked on mine. She didn’t look like she was leaving or going, she was just…standing there.” Tittius shuddered and made a disgusted face before she continued. “Under the stall, I see her feet go to the sink, she didn’t turn on the faucet. After a really long pause, all she did was giggle real quietly, really creepily. That scared the crap out of me, so I’m anxiously waiting to hear her leave. The bathroom door is really loud and has a distinctive click when it opens and closes, the door didn’t make a sound,

but I opened my stall and went around the corner. The girl was gone. Looked in the hallway, and she was gone. The doors to go upstairs hadn’t been opened or closed. She disappeared.” Emily’s roommate quickly chimed in for support, “A ghost that uses the handicapped stall? You don’t use the handicapped stall if you clearly aren’t handicapped, and if you do, you don’t get caught, and if you get caught, you definitely don’t giggle about it. Jeeze.” With this testimony, it’s clear—Mary Mayo’s ghost is truly a raging bitch. If you have any further stories pointing to Mayo’s bitchiness, please send a letter to our office.

by ziev beresh Field Reporter


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TGIF $2.50 Pints & Bombs $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.50 Jack Drinks

Fry-Day

$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

FRI, 10/28

Buy one dawg and drink (soda/beer/ juice) and ask for a free small fry!

$1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

Come Cheer on MSU as We Take On Nebraska at Noon! Go Green! Go White!

$2 Pints $3 Calls

The Spartans are on the Road, so Watch them from Here! Watch the Spartans Take on the Huskers at Noon! $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Lions vs. Denver at 4pm Catch the NFL Action All Day!

SUNDAY SCHOOL NO Cover $1.75 Pints, 1/2 Off Pizza Until 7PM 1/2 Off Adult Beverages 7 - Close

Watch the Lions Kill Tim Tebow and the Broncos at Noon While Enjoying $2 DOMESTICS ALL DAY LONG! $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

$3 16oz Oasis Bloody Marys & Mimosas $6 Oasis Margarita Pitchers $3.50 Oasis Margarita Glasses $2 Well Whiskey Drinks $5 Off Kabob Combos For Two & $2 Off Veggie Sampler Appetizers

SUN, 10/30

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Monday Night Football! Come catch all the game action on our big screen TVs!

Happy Halloween! $1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers

“Slider Specials” $1 Singles/$2 Doubles 100% Ground Angus (toppings extra) $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm to 12am

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Premium/Micro/Craft Bottles $4 Featured Martinis $2.50 Glasses of House Wine $6 1/2 Lbs. Cheeseburger & Falafurger Combo

MON, 10/31

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Stop in for lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less!

Taco Tuesdays FREE Taco Buffet 7PM – 10PM $1.75 Wells $3.00 Well Doubles $2.50 Margaritas $8.50 Buckets of Coronas

Twos-day! 11am - 10:30pm 2 Special Coneys for $2 24oz Keystone for $2 $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm to 12am

$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses of All Our Made in Michigan Wines $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 11/01

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

$2 Off Pitchers Of Beer $5 16oz Sicilian Long Islands $6 Oasis Sangria Pitchers $3 All Mediterranean Beer & Booze, $5 Off Bottles & $1 Off Glasses All Our Mediterranean Wines $2.49 Falafel Sandwiches $5.99 Mediterranean Pizzas

WED, 11/02

Annual Halloween Party 9pm - Close

All Our Saturday Specials Plus Great Halloween Specials! No Cover! Costume Contest!

SAT, 10/29


10

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender

of the

Steve

Week

ry's

r lou and ha

Age: 24 Major: Econ Nickname: Silly Steve Shot: Sambuca bomb AKA “Bukabomb” Drink: Old Fashioned Dare: Prairie Fire or Smoker’s Cough What is your best quality? My personality. What is your worst quality? I don’t have any. What are you going to be for Halloween? The Dos Equis guy- the most interesting man in the world. What do you think is the sexiest costume for girls to dress up as? A dirty cop or Army chick.

drinking game:

Double Trouble Double, double, toil, and trouble – although this game isn’t Halloween themed, the name of it is, so why not? What you need: A case of beer, a fifth of vodka, a pair of dice, and your drinking pants. Number of players: 2 at least, unless you have a very well trained dog that can roll dice. Intoxication level: You’ll consider a foursome with the people who came to the costume party as the human centipede. How to play: - Line up a beer and a shot of vodka; feel free to make it a mixed shot so you don’t keel over just before the good holiday lineup begins. - One player must shotgun an entire beer before the other player can roll doubles. - If the player is able to shotgun the whole beer before the other player can roll doubles, then the player rolling the dice must take a shot of vodka. - If the player is unable to finish shotgunning his beer before the diceman rolls doubles (or at all like a pussy), then he must shotgun a new beer the next round. - If there are more than two players, then the player rolling the dice is playing against everyone else. All players must finish shotgunning their beer before the diceman can roll doubles. - The player who finishes downing his beer first will become the next diceman. The game ends when: The game can’t go on for more than thirty seconds because everyone has to take frequent bathroom breaks.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

What was your favorite childhood costume? Elmo! How would you survive if Zombies invaded East Lansing? I’d play Queen like in Shaun of the Dead. Do you believe in ghosts? Sure do. What’s your favorite scary movie? Silence of the Lambs What’s one the most ridiculous things you’ve done while drunk? Losing my teeth in a caramel apple….or climbing a tree naked and getting stuck because I climbed too high. Turn-ons? Eyes, smile, ass, tits Turn-offs? Bad eyes, no teeth, no ass, no tits Shout-outs! Shout out to Big Z!

recipe for disaster:

Fried Cheerios

When I was a kid my babysitter made this for me all the time. It’s basically as delicious as popcorn without the annoying-ass kernels that get stuck in your teeth afterwards. What you need: Honey Nut Cheerios, Country Crock Butter, and salt. Cook time: 8 minutes or until Cheerios are slightly shriveled and brownish. Fatty Factor: Depends on how much butter you use. Hopefully a lot. Let’s Get Baked: - Get yourself a frying pan and set the stove to medium heat. - Throw some butter on the pan and be sure to spread it around – don’t want to burn any Cheerios! - Dump in a bunch of Cheerios, 'bout a bowl full. - Use a fork to move your Cheerios around so they don’t burn, and add some more butter as the other butter gets absorbed by the Cheerios. - Once the Cheerios are slightly shriveled and a little browned toss them in a bowl and add tons of salt. - Eat up! Beware, this salty snack is so fucking delicious it’s bound to replace popcorn in that buttery salty spot of your heart forever.


11

www.theblacksheeponline.com HALLOWEEN CANDY KINLLER CONTINUED FROM COVER Area mother, Janice Kopecky, said she is terribly worried for her son, a sophomore in college at Michigan State University. “Raymond is a good boy, but he’s not the brightest kid. He never really grew up,” Kopecky told reporters earlier this week. “I can only hope he goes out and gets rip-shit drunk instead of trickor-treating. That way I know he’ll be safe.” Authorities are pleading for residents to call in with any other tips, as evidence suggests that there may be more than one conspirator. “To be honest with you, this town is a terrible place to trick-or-treat,” Sergeant Robert Edmere of ELPD said in a press conference earlier this week.

came up with it.” Kopecky told reporters outside her home. “We’ve got seven little people who will be sent all over the city to our designated trick-or-treat checkpoints this Halloween. We’re going to catch this dick.” One of those little people is East Lansing native and ex-lollipop guild member Jonathan Hayes. “I’ve been a little person ever since I was born, so I’m pretty good at it,” Hayes said. “All I really want to do is find the bastard who gave my baby girl a Bit-O-Honey last year. Like, really, a fucking Bit-O–Honey? Jesus Christ, this guy deserves to die.”

"like, really, a fucking bit-o-honey? jesus christ, On the other hand, there are some community members who this guy deserves to die." don’t see the risk in let-

“This town is a terrible place in general. The kids here are just a bunch of hooligans and hoodrats. If they happen to swallow a razor blade or eight, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.” Apparently, Sergeant Edmere’s impromptu press conference did little to calm the nerves of local parents. An operation formed by local residents called “Tiny Trick” has formed in an attempt to uncover more information. Led by Janice Kopecky, the group says its plan is to hire little people to pose as children, who will then go door-to-door and inspect every treat they are given. “It’s really a genius idea. I know because I

ting their kids go out trickor-treating this Halloween. Jimmy Delvino, an East Lansing parent and coach of the little league championship team, The Fire-Breathing Leopards, says all of this is just media hype. “I’ve seen this before. First it was the Commies and now it’s a Candy Killer? Please.” When asked what he planned to do this Halloween in terms of safety precaution, Delvino quickly retorted, “Safety precaution? Well, I think it’s safe to say that my kid needs to stop being a bitch and letting other kids steal his candy. If he doesn’t, I’ll do what this so-called Candy Killer should have.”

The ELPD has reported that they will dispatch additional officers to patrol the streets this Halloween as they continue their efforts to catch this candy criminal. If you have any information that may lead to the criminal’s arrest, please contact police chief, Sergeant Edmere, who can be reached at the Spartan Bakery.

by alex everard Staff Reporter

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12

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Olin Distributes Tainted Vaccinations Students Go Batshit EAST LANSING, Mich. — For years, Olin has methodically disregarded the medical needs of MSU students, but students and officials alike are saying that Olin has finally gone too far. “Students are not receiving the adequate health care they deserve. They have been fucked more times than Mata Hari. I thought this was America…” said frustrated and Syphilis-infected Agriculture senior, Buddy Whole. After witnessing the rapid and greedy elderly population ravish the entire shipment of flu shots at the local drugstore, the on-campus health clinic began their own distribution of flu vaccinations on Monday. Nurse Phyllis Stroker, a self-proclaimed enthusiast of romance novels, inspirational cat calendars, and Spam, administered the vaccines to the few students who were naive enough to request one—one of those students was freshman Peggy Martin. Martin, 18, received her flu vaccine late Tuesday afternoon. After arriving back to her room in Gilchrist hall, dormmates described her as her usual self: a pale, overweight, and overworked band geek. Her roommate, Chelsea Delany, had another story. “I came back to my room to pick up my wonder bra for a night on the town,” said Delany. “And, that’s when I found her…”

Delany reported witnessing Martin attempting to defecate in her own tuba. “She lunged at me like a sex-crazed chimpanzee,” cried Delany. “All I kept thinking was, wow, her nails are going to be full of poop. Like, they’re never going to be the same. I always thought she was a little off, and I guess I was right all along. Like, this one time…” (Editor’s Note: If given the opportunity, women will talk for hours. This is not that opportunity.) Martin passed away shortly after the attempted assault. Avid Chess player and virgin sophomore, Julian Achen,underwent a similar experience. After receiving his vaccine the same afternoon, the 24-yearold-I-clearly-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-my-life attacked unsuspecting passerby Jeremy O’Neal, 19, outside of Olin. Achen allegedly began to smear feces on his victim’s upper lip. O’Neal was in shock. “It was absolutely horrifying” shivered O’Neal. “He was shouting racial slurs in between the animallike noises.” O’Neal lowered and shook his head, “Dirty Sanchez! Dirty Sanchez!” Achen was later found perched in a tree off of Farm Lane, throwing his own feces at other students. He perished shortly after 5 p.m. After careful inspection of the bodies, the autopsies confirmed that the vaccine consisted of Drano, cat urine, and Grape Nuts—a deadly combination, indeed. All evidence pointed to Nurse Stroker. Nurse Stroker’s lazy eye wandered around the room like a marble in a dish when asked her motive. She twirled her mustache and grinned, revealing her corn-kernel teeth as she began her spiel.

“Simple,” Nurse Stroker answered. “I came to Olin two years ago after graduating from U of M and I’ve been an outcast ever since. They come in here with their brushed hair and teeth, and their boyfriends. This is a work place! They had it coming…” Although Nurse Stroker was clearly delusional, a death linked to Olin is not unique. In fact, Olin has caused over 20% of student deaths for their false diagnoses in the past 50 years. Just ask Karina Rush. “Every time I go there, they say I’m knocked up,” Rush, 21, says. “Chest cold? Pregnant. Eczema? Pregnant. Constipation? Super pregnant. The one time I actually had a fetus in there, they attributed it to bad shrimp and I ended up with a toilet baby.” Thankfully, only 35 other students perished from Olin’s clearly incompetent team of health unprofessionals. “We’re here to help the kids,” said Margie Belinger, an Olin physician’s assistant. “But, if one or two of them die along the way… well, that’s to be expected.” Nurse Stroker has been sentenced to three years in the Meer Cat Manor Women’s Correctional Facility in Lansing where she can look forward to lice infestations and being raped with a makeshift tampon. As for Olin, it is still in business due to the steady demand for free condoms.

by Samantha Shaughnessy Staff Reporter

Little Shop of Whoreticulture Becomes the Scene of a Murder East Lansing, MI—The catalyst for one of the worst tragedies in the history of Michigan State came to the public’s attention last week when a former 4.0 student and inspiration to “working girls” everywhere was arrested for murder.

Candi Vajayjay was a local entrepreneur who aspired to be the city’s top whoreticuluralist. Customers reported that Candi was, “talented with both her hands and had abilities to please anyone and everyone.” Candi’s “high ho” and mentor, Misty Virginia, perfects her whoreticulturalism trade on a corner in Lansing, “Kids nowadays just go out, get drunk, and try tohave sex. The arousal of the student body back in my day came on the weekends at what we called bed-swappings. Everyone would meet in the Breslin Center and the top whoreticulturalists would fertilize anyone’s flowers for a small fee. It’s just too bad Candi was so good at what she did. It was around her third year that she began letting everyone see her flowers.” After college Candi would go on to perfect her trade in whoreticulture at the world’s capital for the profession and what is now known as the red light district in Amsterdam. “Candi left home with some knowledge of whoreticulture but she came back to East Lansing with a doctorate in ho-ing out her hydrangeas.” Misty remarked proudly. Candi’s best friend at the time, Dick Feltersnatch,spoke of her extensive education and experiences,

“It seems Candi Vajajay had everything and continued to get stuffed by anything that had to do with whoreticulture. Like a flower soaking up the sun, Candi soaked up anything inside her.”

The extensive praise that was given to Candi from her peers inspired her to open her own shop and call it “The Little Shop of Whoreticulture” on Albert St. Business was good and Candi thought everything seemed fine at first. “No customer left the little shop unsatisfied and they always left wanting more.” Feltersnatch commented. It wasn’t until one of Candi’s regular customers came in for a Morning Glory that the future of her business would be changed forever. “He was just about to go bulbs deep in my Snap Dragon bed when some of his own fertilizer accidentally landed into my experimental Pussy Willows,” Candi explained. Candi didn’t think much of the mix-up and decided to name her new species the Bastard Willow. Candi claims that even as a young sprout, the Bastard Willow was a difficult breed to care for. “Bastard got plenty of water and sunlight, but he wasn’t like my other plants. Caring for him started to affect my work. Customers were still coming around, but they began to complain of loose performances. I didn’t know what I was doing wrong.” Candi said that she always wanted to be the best whoreticulturalist she could be, but this creature was consuming all of her time and she was forced to let go of her other responsibilities. Even her shrubs went untrimmed.

Even Dick Feltersnatch admits to knowing something was off with Candi,“Once I saw that her water lilies were dried up, I should have known something bad was going to happen. She rejected the responsibility of what she thought was just a normal plant.” As it turns out, this Michigan State alumnus whored herself out to so many different people while working her flower shop that she couldn’t tell the difference between fertilizing flowers and fertilizing eggs. East Lansing Police Chief, Pat Macroch, arrived on the scene when a customer called in the crime. “We found her son starved to death inside the Little Shop of Whoreticulture. It was a terrible sight, but he did appear to be well-hyrdated and extremely tan,” Macroch noted. Candi Vajajay will be charged with first-degree for the murder of her son, Bastard. The Little Shop of Whoreticulture will be taken over by Misty Virginia until Vajajay’s sentence is given.

by billy gardner Staff Reporter


13

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27 Dead Bodies Found in President John Hannah’s Basement EAST LANSING, Michigan- At approximately 3 a.m. Friday morning, Michigan State University President, John Hannah, was arrested in his Lansing home on 27 counts of murder, 28 counts of torture, and 28 counts of false imprisonment. This arrest came after the mysterious and seemingly annual disappearance of an MSU student every October since Hannah took office in 1941. “I was defecating my britches every October,” said Keith Coonitz, an MSU senior whose roommate went reported missing his freshman year. “I thought he was just sleeping at his girlfriend’s dormitory every night, but I was wrong. Dead wrong.”

"hannah, in an interrogation, stated 'sorry for partying.'" Authorities claim that they had been perturbed by the consistency of these disappearances (as an MSU student has vanished from campus between October 12th and October 23rd every year for the past 28 years), but an investigation was never launched. The 27 victims were found in Hannah’s basement, all tortured to death in gruesome and hideous ways. One student was found with a beer bong violently lodged into the depths of his rectum. The autopsy showed that the student died of alcohol poisoning. “Hell, I don’t feel bad for the kid. He was only 20 years old—he shouldn’t have been drinking,” said East Lansing Chief of Police, Garrett Willmore. “So I slapped an MIP on the hooligan before I let the medical examiner take a look at him.” Another victim of Hannah’s experiments was found in a cellar where he shot and killed himself. It is reported the freshman student was given a gun and the option to live in the Hubbard dorms throughout his tenure at MSU, or take his own life. He, unfortunately, chose the latter. Many of the bodies that were recovered were victims who had bled to death from their missing limbs. It appears as if Hannah took the expression that “tuition costs an arm and a leg” quite literally. Although a full investigation is still under wraps, it is assumed that Hannah forced the others to pit against one oth-

er in Spartan-like warfare as they battled to the death in a smallscale replica of the Colosseum. While it remains unclear how all of these poor students were tortured, evidence in the house and another set of autopsy results show that one of the students was forced to engage in sexual intercourse with Magic Johnson. Fortunately, the sheer size and power of Johnson’s member caused the victim enough internal bleeding that he died before he contracted HIV. Hannah, in a very eerie police interrogation stated that he was, “Sorry for partying,” and that his victims were not “True Spartans.” The lone survivor of these heinous attacks was sophomore Dillan Vokkuh, who reportedly had to finish a fifth of Burnett’s distilled vodka in less than five minutes. He claims that Hannah gave each victim this opportunity; if the task was completed, he or she would be granted their freedom. Vokkuh was found outside of the Spartan Statue and was picked up by East Lansing authorities where he reported the incidents he witnessed. The ELPD escorted him to a jail cell for the night. This statement was released by Hannah shortly after his arrest: "I was just trying to create stronger Spartans; I wanted Spartans who could handle any type of situation—albeit in battle, in studies, or in drinking. I guess I took it too far. My bad, y’all." In tragic events like these, we can only pray that they never happen again as we extend our deepest condolences to the victims’ families. If this does happen again, we can only hope that the students are more prepared.

by Frank Sorise Staff Reporter


Halloween Bingo! Created by Myles "Dougy Ramone" Mitz

Playboy Bunny

Pirate

French Maid

Cheerleader

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Beer Wench

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Toga

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Cat woman

School Girl

Pilot

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Devil

Ladybug

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Can you spot them all? If you can document your findings by taking a picture of all the costumes from above and send them in, we'll give you the prize of your dreams...first one in, wins! Bingo@theblacksheeponline.com.


( class time )

6 Degrees of separation: ny o h t An

ns i k p Ho

Do you know how two of our favorite scary movie characters are related? Figure it out, email us at 6degrees@theblacksheeponline.com, and the first 10 win a prize!

k

ce a p S Sissy

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bailey Walsh Advertising Manager Anthony Dostal Contributing Writers Alex Everard Andrew Fleming Cristina Toscano Frank Sorise Justin Gawel Leanne Johnson Samantha Shaughnessy Ziev Beresh Alex Acton Billy Gardner photographer Jackie Cash

Distribution Annalise Stromsta (Manager) Anna Aiken (Helper) pr team Jessica Holli Chris Amrich campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Questions?

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MSU - 10/26/11 - v05i09