MSU - 10/20/11 - v05i08

Volume 5, Issue 8 | 10/19/11 -10/26/11 | theblacksheeponline.com

The

Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

As many of you know, our Spartans took home the victory last October against the Wisconsin Badgers. However, what many of you probably don’t know is that the Badgers have been whining about their loss ever since. They complained that they’ve been feeling overly emotional, easily irritable, and have also been experiencing cramps in their lower-abdominal area where they never had before.

Just yesterday, Bucky the Badger (Wisconsin’s tool of a mascot) began harassing Sparty through a series of unintelligible emails. This is what we recovered:

Homecoming E-mail Exchange Between

Sparty and Bucky Badger

From: diggingsomeholes_fillingothers@hotmail.com To: spartylikestoparty@gmail.com Subject: u guys r going down. hey u little bitch, did u no that badgers can move dirt faster then any other mammal? well now u do. and we r gonna take ur whole f*%$@^& school down into the grave. we already dug it. and once ur down there, we r going to shit on top of your skulls and upload the pics to facebook. can’t w8 to have u and ur team beneath me, bucky (aka badge the vag master) ____________________________________________________ From: spartylikestoparty@gmail.com To: diggingsomeholes_fillingothers@hotmail.com Subject: Re: uguysr going down.

Bucky, I think you have the wrong email address.

-Mike ____________________________________________________ From:sparty@msu.edu To: diggingsomeholes_fillingothers@hotmail.com Subject: Your email Bucky, You are quite possibly the most incompetent being I’ve ever had

Other stuff

Inside

bailey walsh wrote this the displeasure of knowing. Aside from your email being full of spelling and grammatical errors, you also managed to send it to the wrong person. That wrong person was my 13-year-old nephew.

It’s kind of sad, really. I mean, I knew you were worthless as a mascot and sexual partner (Goldy Gopher told me), but I didn’t realize the extreme retardation that you so clearly suffer from.

It’s amazing that you’ve been able to make it this far in life.

Ah, Bucky—sweet, unintelligent, Bucky—you can dig all the holes your little heart desires. Dig until you can’t dig anymore, but just remember… you can’t hide forever.

I look forward to violating your butthole in a competitive manner this Saturday.

Sincerely, Sparty ____________________________________________________ From: diggingsomeholes_fillingothers@hotmail.com To: sparty@msu.edu Subject: u r so fkn gay u say im gay? u r the one that wears a little skirt all the time and cant stop talking about my butt. if u love it so much y dont u just marry it? and just so u no, i srsly dont even no wut goldy is taking about. he tried to fill my hole once and i said no. thats all. o i almost forgot to say that for a record im not stupid. i just dont wanna waste all my time typing things out good. i think thats actually pretty smart if u think about it. save time and save money.

05: Thanks But No Thanks: Homecoming Events Will free beer be provided at this "Homecoming parade" you speak of?

now whos stupid? xoxo, bucky ____________________________________________________ From: sparty@msu.edu To: diggingsomeholes_fillingothers@hotmail.com Subject: I’m sorry.

Bucky, I’m so sorry that I misjudged you. You’re not stupid and that’s not a word I would ever use to describe you again.

Stupid is the understatement of the goddamn century. Save time and save money? How are you saving money by writing your emails like a moron?

To be honest, I don’t even know why this argument is still going on. It’s obvious that you lack the basic intelligence that is required to hold even the simplest conversation.

Bucky—please, please do all of us a favor and crawl back into the incestuous hole you came from and never return. I am truly embarrassed and utterly disgusted to have exchanged words with such an abhorrent creature.

If Saturday is the last time I see or hear from you again, it will be too soon.

Appalled, Sparty P.S.- This is the last email you will receive from me and I do not want to hear from you again. If this becomes a problem, you’ll be hearing from my lawyer.

05: Roommates: How to Live With Them Regardless of what happens, sooner or later someone's getting punched in the face.

07: Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition How to go from nerdy to pervy in no time!

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04

THe top ten Things Alumnus Miss about MSU 10) The Accidental Exercise: Who has two thumbs and likes to exercise? The answer is nobody. Nobody who has two thumbs enjoys exercising. Why exercise when you can just kill two birds with one beer pong ball and walk to class? But once you’ve graduated, what classes will you walk to? The only commute you’ll have is that strenuous trek from your cubicle to the water cooler.

9) The campus/environment/first warm day: Whoever organized and created the floor plan of MSU was probably the biggest genius I’ve never met. It looks beautiful in all four seasons and that’s not something that holds true with many other colleges in this state. Or this state in general. This is especially true on the first warm day when, according to an ’03 alum, “every girl dresses like it’s spring break; I’ve never seen more hot girls in one place in all my life.”

So I Heard You Got Whiskey Dick… teddy baum cox wrote this Let's face facts, I’m a legend. I bang sorority girls, do cocaine off their tight young bodies, and bust nuts in their fertile wombs, (rawdawg of course). However, I am not without my faults. I am human just like the other men of East Lansing.

So, after a night of pounding Maker's Mark and shots of crappy vodka mixed with Faygo, my Sergeant at Arms doesn't work from time to time. I’ve been there.

Whiskey Dick is the great challenge of our generation, and at times, a sad look on the guy’s face is all men do to combat it. As Homecoming dawns on us, we will all be at risk of this terrible affliction.

However, fear not my fellow heathens, Teddy Baum Cox is here to give you a number of excuses, lies, and distractions to make her forget about your attempt to jam your limp worm into her pink coin slot.

thing will be kicked up to an 11 in terms of awesomeness.

Close your Eyes Truth time: whichever girl you are with, you probably know a girl or two who is hotter. The imagination is a wonderful thing and I don't care what the mass media says, we still got it. So, while you are making out with her and playing with her titties, start thinking about that hot girl in class. Yeah, now bring in the other smoking girl you saw at the party last night. They start making out. Okay you get the idea… if your Trouser Trooper isn't making moves, then it’s time to kick it up a notch. Start to think of the craziest, kinkiest, and dirtiest things you can to try and get him up. Booze may numb him, but kinky wakes him up. Close your eyes too, if she asks why your eyes are closed just say it’s a habit or some bullshit. I can't come up with all the lies for you.

"If you are not already on drugs, get on them.

They kick ass."

Ditch the Condom I don't know why you are wearing a condom in the first place. Wearing a condom during sex is a lot like going to Michigan. Sure, you might get a better education, but for four years you have to deal with ugly bitches and have no fun whatsoever. I guess what I am saying is, only wear a condom if she is ugly, because nobody wants ugly children. If she has concerns about getting a bun in her oven, go with the frat guy specialty and tell her that you’ll pull out. Trick is though, never pull out.

Blame it on the Drugs If you are not already on drugs, get on them. They kick ass. I recommend cocaine but if that is not your cup of tea, try popping an Adderall. That way if your Private Pecker decides to go sleepy on you, you have a built in excuse. Drugs. No girl will ever think less of you if you tell her that you went Scarface moments before and numbed yourself with drugs. If anything, she will accept it as a challenge and start busting out moves her mother definitely didn’t teach her (unless her mother was a whore). Furthermore, if you finally do get a standing flagpole, you will be so numb from the drugs that every-

Bail and Finger Blast Her If we’ve gotten to this point, it’s time to call in a Hail Mary. Your cock is not getting stiff no matter what you do, so all you can hope to do is make her have a good time and settle for a next meeting. Finger blast the fuck out of her. I mean blast her off to the moon. If you are feeling real generous, (in my case super drunk), go down on her. I know roast beef danglies are not the most appealing thing in the world, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Make sure she is rolling on Ecstasy, so you can seal the deal for a meeting when you are less drunk and on less drugs. Short term loss will prove to give you long term gains. Also, if you make the night all about her, she will probably be less pissed off when you eventually O-blast in her face.

There you have it, bros in arms. If this guide doesn’t help you get your cock awake, it will at least buy you some time so you can bang her in the future. So, stand tall, snort that line, and pound that shot. You have nothing to fear except for AIDS. Go forth and bang happily.

8) Dairy Store & QD ice cream: I dare you to tell me a place in the world where ice cream tastes just as good sober as it does totally baked like the fried ice cream from QD or the almond coconut magic they make at the Dairy Store. You can’t. If you ever see anyone over the age of 30 in a QD, there’s a decent chance he or she is an alumnus who drove halfway across the state to tickle their taste buds and relive their prime.

7) Sny-Phi: It only took a few years and a shit load of money later to create the new chronic overeaters’ food heaven that is the Brody Cafeteria. But before the days of three- story cafeterias, there was once a place called Snyder-Phillips cafeteria on the cooler side of campus. It was beautifully juxtaposed against a string of apartments and insignificant frat houses containing almost every option of cuisine you could want in one building. That is, until Brody happened and fucked with the system, letting our oldie but goodie get thrown to the wayside. We still love you, Sny-Phi. 6) Tennis court tailgates: What other time in your life will you find yourself tailgating at a tennis court? Once you graduate, I’m sure there will be other opportunities where the environment in which you find yourself drinking has surpassed the amount of coolness that the tennis courts once encompassed, (such as the desert, rooftop bars in big cities, or even in a farmhouse)… but as Spartans, let us never forget the simplicity that came with shotgunning a beer with your uncle at the tennis courts with Spartan stadium in sight.

5) March Madness: Basketball is kewl. Who cares if you lose some of your best players to disasters like graduation, smoking too much pot or knee injuries? Who cares if you get all the way up to the final championship game and choke a couple years in a row? Whether you’ve graduated or are still living in the dorms, every Spartan feels the same way about this simple fact—all that matters is the time we spend together, whether it’s drinking in celebration or drinking in misery.

4) Cedar Fest: There are days I wish I attended Cedar Fest 2008— when tear gas was just another item on the menu and burning couches was as normal as smoking a cigarette. As a matter of fact, that’s probably how most of those couch-burnings got started. I’m not sure if I can top the moment in my college career when I got to take a picture with a member of the S.W.A.T team with a 40 oz. in my hand.

3) WILLY THE CAN MAN: Nobody knows how much I will miss Willy. I know he hates us here at The Black Sheep, but I just personally want to say I will never forget the times we locked eyes, fist pounded, made pinky promises, danced in fields of daisies, gave him my cans, and gave him my heart. He is a legend on the mean streets of East Lansing and hopefully he knows that when every Spartan graduates, they will never forget the man who came to our recycling rescue.

2) Burgerama/Burger Bash: Once you graduate and become an old and crusty alumnus, beers and burgers get expensive. Maybe it’s because their tastes have evolved and don’t necessarily involving drinking pitchers of Keystone Light piss-water and eating tiny little burgers that barely satisfy a normal human appetite. But who are we bullshitting? Who doesn’t enjoy getting drinking shitty, half-priced beer out of your own personal pitcher on a weeknight? When drunchies are included, there’s no such thing as a bad time at Burgerama.

1) The Squirrels: Obviously the number one thing that alumni will miss most about MSU are the squirrels. The squirrels on this campus are like none I’ve ever seen before. I’ve seen them cut people off and gnaw on bicycle spokes for no apparent reason. These squirrels run their own society; we’re just guests. To be honest, I wouldn’t even be surprised if once you graduate, the youthful MSU spirit you once had gets reincarnated into a squirrel. That, my friends, is heaven.

black betty wrote this

05

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Thanks, But No Thanks: Homecoming Events

Samantha Shaughnessy wrote this

All these Homecoming events remind me of the ones in high school, (or worse, the dorms), where they try with all their might to get people to show up, but only the dweebs arrive. Oh, what’s that?

Do I want to go to the Sock Hop? No, I’d rather sit at home and burn myself with cigarettes. Get it through your thick skulls: we don’t give two shits.

We don’t want to feel inhibited and uncomfortable around parents and their filthy children crawling on Grand River. We don’t want to be forced into making awkward conversation with our WRA professor at one of the many geeky and alcoholfree university-sponsored tailgates. All we want to do is hide out in the student ghetto and nurse our drinking problems until the alumnus return from whence they came. Plus, I’m sure they don’t want to be reminded of the alcoholics and druggies they once were in college.

I digress. Unfortunately for us, we’re just going to have to deal with the corny celebratory bullshit for the years to come. So, why not make the best of them and add our own flair?

Take craft night, for example. Oh, goody goody gumdrops! Arts and crafts! Let me just throw on one of my many festive Halloween-themed Quacker Factory sweaters and Liz Claiborne stretch jeans. Jesus Christ. The only thing college students want to do with pumpkins is chuck ‘em off balconies or at the unsuspecting homeless lurking about.

If you really want us to come, why not make some actual useful crafts (if those even exist…) Like, what about a shank? Or a beer snorkel? Or a wizard’s staff? Or bring together about 100 of those ‘90s McDonald’s food play-sets where you make hamburgers and fries entirely out of sugar? Or bet-

ter yet, let’s just forget the crafts altogether and have an “Orgy Night” in the Union. No shoes, no shirts, full service.

And how about the Spartan Sprint 5k? Yeah, okay, the last thing I want to do is run around the block when my stomach is full of hard cider and semen. I suggest a wheelchair race…or a pie-eating contest.

The wheelchair race may exploit the handicapped, but who are we kidding with a 5k? We’re a bunch of lazy and apathetic fucks. Like me, I assume most college students would rather watch an entire marathon of the long-lived VH1 classic “Breaking Bonaduce” just so they don’t have to get up and find the missing remote. And to be quite honest, I really don’t know why we haven’t had a pie-eating contest yet; who doesn’t love to dive face first into a pile of warm goo?

Last but not least, there’s the parade—the pride and joy of Homecoming weekend, and the one time of the year when band geeks, Greek life, farmers, and random do-gooder clubs come together to make even bigger asses of themselves.

Without fail, every parade smells like horse crap and has one too many butt cracks on sidewalk display. I don’t understand why we can’t have a giant Burning Man, but instead of a single man,we can burn our opponents.

In this case, we’ll assemble a large badger made entirely out of twigs and set it afire with flames and booze. On second thought, that seems like too much work. You know what, instead of having people throw candy and beads at us, how about we throw empty beer bottles and eggs at them. That’s what you get for being on a fucking float. Happy Homecoming, retards.

Roommates and Your Changing Body: How to Live With Them justin gawel wrote this Watching things get ruined is pretty entertaining. Watching a friendship get ruined and then watching those ex-friends sulking and bickering out the remaining nine months of their tenmonth lease is addictively entertaining. Don’t argue with the facts, it’s awesome to see two people hating every moment they’re home… I mean, why do you think Big Brother is in its fourteenth year? Fear not, Beast Lansing, Justin Gawel, the resident adult baby of Michigan State is here to educate you on how to prevent one of those all out WWE-Raw-Tag-Team-Battle-Royal-Hoobastank-Shit-Fits from going down with your roomies this year.

The biggest mistake people make time and time again when living with their friends is setting the bar too high. “Oh, Kenny’s pretty gross in his public life, but I wonder how he is in his private life.” Umm, I’m guessing pretty fucking disgusting, you idiot. Honestly, everyone has some gross stuff they do when they’re at home and as their roommate,you just gotta deal with it. If you set the bar high, you’re only going to be disappointed. Set the bar low and be pleasantly surprised when they achieve it.

You’ll also want to ready yourself to see everyone naked at some point. Not necessarily in some apartment or house wide orgy (unless you were planning on having one of those), but probably in a way like: “took a shower and forgot a towel,” “oops, didn’t know you were fucking in there,” or the fan favorite—“got too drunk and fell asleep taking a shit and people thought I was dead in the bathroom.” Yes, you are correct, in that third scenario the person gets naked to squeeze out some booty butter while drunk. I mean, we’re all adults here; we’ve all seen naked people before, let’s just take it in stride and laugh when it’s hilarious.

Nakedness is funny; how else could Tosh.0 be so successful?

With roommates, or with anything really, the key to the game is passive aggressive behavior.

They DVR’ed over your episodes of Dance Moms, so now you have to break the bathroom scale and trick them into an anorexic phase. They’ll eventually figure out that you broke the scale, but hey, that’ll be long after they’ve starved themselves for a while and long after you’ve caught up on all those Dance Moms episodes you missed. Sunrise. Sunset. Lesson learned,

roommate.

Cleaning and food are also two constant battles; you may win a fight here and there, but you’ll never win the war. Sure, you may bitch enough that everyone cleans up one day, but then everyone knows you as the resident ‘Cleaning Nazi,’ and believe me, nobody likes Nazis. And with food you always seem like a selfish hoarding bitch when you won’t let anyone eat your Funyuns. Fat Randy! DO YOU HEAR ME, FAT RANDY? And seriously, if you’re going to be so stingy as to not share a bit of food with your roomies then just go live by yourself (and subsequently die alone).

However, there’s something that everyone should remember when it comes to roommates… they’re just your roommates. You live with them, but you don’t always have to invite them to the orgy.

And finally, I’d like to leave all of you with one last dank nugget of wisdom about living with people: it’s always a good idea to knock, because, come on, you don’t want someone walking in on YOU when you’re jerkin’ your gerkin’. Can I say that?

the best s c i p y t r in pa

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SHOUT OUTS! Cute redheaded girl in last week's shout out, I have a townhouse of guys that want to know you and your friend. -Josh To the unskilled "drummer" "playing" in Chandler on Friday around 3:30 pm: PLEASE STOP. It sounded like a 3 year old jacked up on skittles got a hold of some drumsticks and started spastically beating the shit out of his toy drum set.

Actually, that would be better.

To the asshole who threw the dead possum on my porch, you've got a dead raccoon coming your way.

Dave, I do remember your name and I do remember the camera.

Thanks for nothing! -Holly To Mike...did you think making out with my roommate was the way to get me back? Ask Tony what we did. -Amanda Happy bday K-Fel, you better believe we're re-enacting last year's debacle, personal shot glasses and all! -Brit Whoever put mustard on my car, prepare to pay...I have ketchup and know how to use it...Red Accord Jackie, it's called wine night, not whine night...get a grip and stop crying everytime we're hanging out. -Bridgette

SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

07

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Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition Alex Everard wrote this

If you’re anything like me, you’re a relatively normal guy.

You were taught and raised with solid manners and you know how to treat the ladies because your mom shouted, “respect women’s bodies” before you left the house every time you went on a date in high school. You use “please” and “thank you” frequently and treat elders with the level of respect they deserve based on how freaking old they actually are. However, if you’re like me, you also may have noticed that the world is simply not cut out for the nice guys. So, here it is: an easy guide to take your life from the friend-zone-blues to doing the no-pants-dance. I present to you, Extreme Makeover: Douchebag Edition.

Step 1: Go to the Meridian mall and walk your ass right into Lids because you’re going to need hats—somewhere north of 15 and south of 100. Every true doucher knows that you need, like, 50 fitted hats to be a real G. Buy the flashiest and tackiest hats, and DO NOT just buy your local sports teams.

Buy a Yankees hat and a Red Sox hat. Why? Because you don’t give a fuck. And whatever you do, don’t bend those brims. If you’re more of a hipster-douche, opt out of fitted hats and go for snapbacks. When in doubt, ask yourself “What would Mac Miller buy?” This will work well to achieve douchieness because you are not Mac Miller. If you want to kick it up a notch, cop a fedora (only for the most experienced douches).

Step 2: Get in the gym. As an aspiring dbag, you’ll need to use your physical health as a weapon. Once you become a real douche, you will automatically be entered into a pool of eligible streetfighters. All douches love to get drunk and start fights, and if you’re walking around with your fitted on, yet haven’t taken the time or effort to buy some Creatine and put it to work, you’re going to be fresh meat to the trained tools.

You wanna get jacked, but don’t bother wasting any time on endurance, cardio, or core strength. I’m talkin’ strictly curls, bench press, and crunches. Work your glamour muscles.

Step 3: Look in the mirror and write down what you see. Proceed to roll that piece of paper up and use it as a tampon for

your giant mangina. A Certified Douche always has a constipated look on his face and lunges his shoulders forward to ensure that his posture emphasizes his pectorals. It helps if you also pretend like you’re about to choke—that way your neck bulges out and you look like a fuckin’ boss. Now go buy some shirts that are 1 ½ - 2 sizes too small. If you’re shorter than 5’8, just go right ahead to the Baby Gap. Step 4: Now that you’ve got a fresh dome, the dopest clothes, and a ripped torso, it’s time to get inked. The first tat is mandatory: barbed wire. You must get a barbed wire tattoo around one of your biceps. This will let other douchers know that you’re a douche till you die and not just some imposter. The next tat should be a Chinese symbol that (probably) represents “strength,” “glory,” or “warrior.” This shows the ladies that despite the fact that a 7th grader is more historically knowledgeable than you and you eat sushi with a fork, you are still totally cultured and badass at the same time.

Step 5: If you are capable of growing facial hair, listen closely.

You need to find a girl friend you can trust (this should be easy because you’re a nice guy and nice guys have almost as many “girls-that-are-friends” as nice gay guys). Ask her what type of beard/facial hair she thinks would look best on you. Now grow something that is the total opposite of whatever style she suggested. Popular outcomes: goatee, chinstrap, 80s coke dealer ‘stache, or sideburns that turn into something other than sideburns. If you want to take it to the next level, use that razor to cut a slit in your eyebrow. You’ll totally look like you’re in a fight club.

If you complete this list and somehow don’t look like a douche, there’s something wrong. You probably look like Jason Mraz (the undercover douche), and if this is the case, you are a lost cause. But for the majority of guys, making this transformation will be easier than chugging a Monster energy drink (the official drink of Douchebags Worldwide). Now just sit back and wait for all those ladies who will be beggin’ to blow you.

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6:00pm - 10:00pm Taco Trio with drink purchase 3 beef tacos $2.75 3 chicken tacos $2.75

MON, 10/24

$5 Premium Pitchers $4.50 Labbatt's Pitchers $4 Domestic Pitchers

Moo Monday $3.99 Burger and Fries $2 Domestic Lites $2 Well Drinks

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$2.50 Miller Lite, Coors Light, Rolling Rock Bottles $2.50 Call Drinks, SoCo Lime and Kamikazes! $3.50 Long Islands

SAT, 10/22

WED, 10/26

$3 Domestic Pints $3 White Gummy Bear Shots $5 Doubles

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4pm – 8pm: Happy Hour Bar Pong Night!

Win Cash & Prizes!

8pm – 2am $3 Double Wells, $4 23oz Domestics $3 Choice Shots, $2 Kamikaze

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$2 Domestic Pints & $4 Bombs $3 Captain & Bacardi Drinks (All Flavors) $2 Washington Apple Shots Cheeseburger Combo/Falafurger Combo W/Pitcher $11 Dom/$13 Craft

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"GO GREEN!" $6 Spartan Spirit Drinks w/ Other Homecoming Specials "GO WHITE"

SAT, 10/22

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close Enjoy $3 select appetizers starting at 9pm.

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Watch the Lions Destroy Atlanta While Enjoying $2 DOMESTICS ALL DAY $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

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SUN, 10/23

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close 55- cent boneless wings Monday Night Football!

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Monday Night Football $3 Burgers Until 4PM $1.75 Pints $3.50 Pitchers No Cover

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MON, 10/24

Late Night Happy Hour 9pm – Close 45-cent traditional wings Stop in for lunch combos starting at $6.99 served in 15 minutes or less!

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$3 Made-in-Michigan Beers (Bottles and Pints) $6 Pitchers of Oasis Mai Tai's $3.50 Glasses of Oasis Mai Tai's $3 Off Select Appetizers

TUES, 10/25

Late Night Happy Hour 9 pm – Close Join us for FREE trivia starting at 10pm!

Wipeout Wednesday 1/2 Off Food 1/2 Off Drinks 1/2 Off Beers 1/2 Off Bottles of Wine

$2 Domestics 11AM to 6pm $1 Pints 6PM-12AM $1.50 Miller High Life 10pm - 12am

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WED, 10/26

10

Bartender

of the

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Week

Jordan

wg?

What up, da

Age: 20 Relationship Status: Single Nickname: Weezy Shot: Evan Williams Honey Drink: Woodchuck cider Dare: Smoker’s Cough (Jagermeister and mayonnaise) What are your hobbies? Biking and soccer Favorite Athlete? Ryan Miller Stupidest thing you’ve ever done drunk? Saw a girl on the ground crying and instead of asking if she was alright, I asked her for her number.

Favorite thing to do in the fall? Go outside and play sports.

How would you spend one million dollars? I’d put half in the bank. I’d

donate a quarter, and I’d take the other quarter for a house, a car, and spending.

What’s one thing you should never do drunk? Piss on a cop car.

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Waffles.

Turn-ons? When a girl likes sports, video games, drinking and having fun- and she’s gotta have a good style.

Turn-offs? Being a goody two-shoes or having super short hair.

What drink makes you make poor choices? Jack Daniels What’s your dream job? To not have to work.

Shout-outs? Shout-out to 539 Spartan and Trevor!

recipe for disaster:

drinking game:

Teeth The infamous film, Teeth, needs no introduction. It’s popular among stoned high school kids with vagina obsessions and dental hygienists who are horrified at the thought of teeth being subjected to the horrors of down below. But now, thanks to alcohol, this film can be enjoyed by anyone!

Nacharido

Legend has it that in 1995, a wise, old luchador named Adalberto Montoya attended a Phish concert in Mexico City. When he wasn’t wooing women in the ring and making piñatas for his niños, he loved to cook. At the concert, several kids recognized Adalberto and begged him to fill their stomachs with some paella or enchiritos. You see they had been smoke La Marijuana. Up to the challenge, Adalberto gathered all of his supplies and created El Nacharido.

Number of players: Two. You can play by yourself, but that would be really awkward if your mom walked down into the basement and caught you watching Teeth alone.

What you need: The DVD Teeth, shot glasses, and Pinnacle Marshmallow (To play on the vagina theme, you pussy).

What you need: Nacho chips, huge flour tortillas, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, sour cream, salsa, jalapeños, lettuce, pizza rolls, ground beef, liquid cheese, onions, tomatoes, chicken fingers, guacamole, and Taco Bell packets.

How to play: - Put in the movie! (They key is to decipher whether it is VHS or DVD. Proceed accordingly).

- Every time the word “vagina” is said, you must take a half shot (I say half shot because vagina is used liberally in this movie. I’m looking out for you!).

- Every time you watch an appendage get bitten off by Dawn’s vag-chompers (I wonder if she got braces on those things…) you must chug a mixed drink for the entire duration of the injured person’s dramatic bloodcurdling screaming.

- If at any point in time a viewer hides his or her eyes from the graphic images of severed genitals, they must take a full shot, because that’s super embarrassing.

- Any time you roll your eyes at Dawn’s blatant innocence take another half a shot.

Honor code here folks, but seriously – who is this girl kidding?

Directions: - Cook ground beef in a hot pan on the stove until all of the pink is gone.

- Stick frozen chicken fingers and pizza rolls in the oven for about 15 minutes.

- Layer chips on a huge pan and melt the variety of cheeses on them.

- Next, once the cheese is melted layer the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, beef, jalapenos, sour cream, guacamole, chicken fingers, and pizza rolls onto the nacho chips.

- After everything is all layered, roll everything into huge tortillas and cover them in Taco Bell sauce.

The Game Ends When: The movie does.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Health Content: The calories might be as hefty as your Meijer bill, but it’ll be worth it!

Now you have yourself a crazy nacho-burrito that all your friends will be jealous of… until you puke it up moments later.

11

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The End of the World: Post-Apocalyptic East Lansing There’s going to be an apocalypse in the next 10 years. It may seem outlandish now, but I’m making that call with significant confidence based on extremely confidential information. You need to just trust me on this one. Because I can’t legally divulge that information, we’ll just say the apocalypse happened because those lunatics over in North Korea finally went over the deep end.

So, after the complete annihilation of Earth as we know it, you, being the one of the few lucky Spartan survivors, are now left to wander around the desolate city of East Lansing.

Due to high levels of radioactivity, you will experience extreme sensations of dizziness and nausea—not much different from a standard Friday night at MSU (except now you have a third arm growing out of your back).

The landscape of East Lansing will be one of the most surprising changes; it will look more depressing than the crowd attendance at a U of M basketball game. You’ll need to find some familiar landmarks that will help you navigate the city.

Pretty much any buildings that are still standing will work.

Most of the buildings will be impossible to distinguish due to their apocalyptic damage, but since the Brojects have always been any eyesore, they may be a little harder to distinguish.

Because Rick’s All American Café and the Landshark are actually just bars in basements, they will be excellent places to take shelter and drown your sorrows. Why else would they put a bar down there? It’s nice to see that the management of these bars implemented some apocalypse-friendly features to their establishments. You never know what to expect during a nuclear disaster, but basements do make good bomb shelters.

alex acton wrote this

Though there won’t be many survivors, it’s pretty much guaranteed that you will not be the only one who withstood the carnage. You’re not that great. The good news is, Tom Izzo will survive. Since Tom Izzo is impervious to any sort of injury, you will definitely find him assisting fellow Spartans with his magical healing powers and divine wisdom. The bad news is, the others who are still alive are mostly Lyman Briggs and James Madison majors.

The fresh food supply will be in extreme shortage once the grocery stores have been raided, but there will be plenty of food leftover from the cafeterias because that shit is already radioactive. Also, anything at Sbarro’s will also be acceptable to eat because the unashamedly thick amounts of grease they coat their food with enacts both as a flavor enhancer and as a barrier against any nuclear fallout.

Fortunately, MSU is ranked No. 1 in the country for our Nuclear Physics graduate program, so they should know a lot about nuclear annihilation. Befriend one of these grad students and they can give you some bonus pointers for how to survive in this barren wasteland.

With all of this advice, you should now be adequately prepared for any type of apocalyptic environment. The more knowledgeable you are on the topic, the higher your chances are of surviving. And if you’re in a desperate situation, just go with your gut feeling. Well,unless your gut has been radioactively mutated into a giant penis. Then you’ll just be boned.

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12

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

The Thing benson saw this and gave it a...

Director:

C

Matthijs van Heijningen Jr.

Paranormal Activity 3 Oct. 21 Starring: Katie Featherston What you need to know: Katie Featherson plays a mother living in a haunted house with her family. In an attempt to logically explain the eerie happenings around the house, she puts video cameras all over the house to monitor what happens at night. This reveals their kids doing creepy things—such as jumping off the banister only to climb back up the stairs and talking to an “imaginary” friend. Horror ensues.

What we think: I mean, if you liked Paranormal 1 and 2 then you would probably like this one as well. After all, it does seem to have the exact same creepy plot as the past two films...and was probably shot at the same time...

The Rum Diary

Oct. 21

Starring: Johnny Depp, Amber Heard What you need to know: Paul Kemp is a journalist who’s sick of his chaotic lifestyle in New York City, so he moves to 'chill' Puerto Rico to work for the local paper. Once there, Kemp goes absolutely nuts— ingesting any type of liquor he can get his hands on and becoming obsessed with a corrupt American entrepreneur’s fiancé. When said entrepreneur recruits Kemp to write an article portraying him in a good light, Kemp needs to make the choice between helping him continue with his illegitimate business or destroying him.

What we think: This movie is the brainchild of the one and only Hunter S. Thompson and has Johnny Depp in it, so you know it must be wild.

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas

Starring:

Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton

Synopsis:

This Thing isn’t as good as that other Thing.

Here’s the thing. Back in 1982, Kurt Russel’s beard was a thick, unwavering mass of testosterone and bravery. In the frozen, isolated tundra of the film’s setting that beard warmed hearts. The first time I saw The Thing (1982) I had to take my jacket off... in the middle of winter...outside. Kurt Russell’s beard was all I needed. It was there for me. The Thing (2011) does not have Kurt Russell’s beard. I should end this goddamn review right now.

In this day and age of cinema, it has become common knowledge that any remake of a classic is going to be pretty awful, and will of course not be as good as the original.

This has pretty much always been an understood theory (the only exception, ironically, being The Thing (1982) over The Thing from Another Planet (1951)). The attractive thing about re-makes is that they’re a chance to see what the classics would look like using the technology of today. Understandably, this is an interesting concept. However, when this is done the result always just seems like a washed out, blander version of the original. Kind of like watered down soda. No exception to this rule, The Thing (2011) is a lot of fancy visuals with little substance.

on DVD Nov. 4

Starring: Kal Penn, John Cho What You Need to Know: Due to some freak accident, Harold and Kumar manage to shoot Santa Claus in the face, and thus, discover that he is in fact real. Then, as per the first two Harold and Kumar movies, our favorite stoned, drunk partiers go on an assload of hilarious, nonsensical adventures, and even meet up with Neil Patrick Harris along the way.

What We Think: What do you think we think? It's the must-see movie of the year! No, but really, has the combination of Harold, Kumar, and NPH ever let you down? We didn't think so...

The Thing (2011), though, is not actually a re-make. Instead, The Thing (2011) is actually a prequel which tells of the events leading up to the storyline of the 1982 film.

This confused me very much when the film first began, as I’m sure it did a few others.

Instead of naming it The Thing, the same title as the classic, they should have named it The Other Thing, or, A New Thing, or even better yet, The Thing Which Came Before The Thing. My point is the producers of this movie missed out on some awesome “thing” jokes and puns. Things like this deserve better puns.

The Thing begins with paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Winstead) traveling to Antarctica to study an extraterrestrial spacecraft discovered deep under the ice. Shortly after her arrival the alien inside of the craft escapes, as expected. While searching for the alien, a member of their group is unfortunate enough to be eaten by the alien, leaving the crew no choice but to burn down the station that it’s in. During an autopsy, it is discovered that the thing has the ability to transform itself to look like any organism it wishes (didn’t see that one coming!). The rest of the film follows the same formulas as the 1982 Thing: Nobody is sure who is the thing and who they can trust, causing them

to distrust each other, become fooled by the thing, and eventually lose control of the situation to their demise.

As expected, The Thing follows the same basic plot line as the original. While a movie that follows any different plot line cannot be called The Thing, at least a little bit of originality would have gone a long way. For anybody who is familiar with the original, you will see many familiar scenes, including a clever test to discover the thing amongst their group, burning creatures with flame throwers, etc. The only thing that’s really different about this remake is, of course, the special effects. As expected, they do take away from some of the grittiness and mystique of the original; however, you must remember that the original Thing also sported some pretty awesome special effects for its time, so it is a little fitting.

The thing I liked most about The Thing (repetition not intended) was the way it got across the isolation of the environment.

That’s the scariest thing about the original, and the re-make did a good job in keeping that feel.

Long story short, if you loved the 1982 version of The Thing, then you will either hate or love this version. Hope that helps.

Things n' things

answers are a few from here

october 18: Pirates/Caribbean: On Stranger Tide Pearl Jam Twenty Bad Teacher Red State october 25: Captain America: The First Avenger Jurassic Park: Trilogy Winnie the Pooh The Conversation

In The Addams Family, Thing is played as what?

In 10 Things I Hate About You, what is the last "thing" Kat hates about Patrick?

"The Thing" is one of four superheroes in what fictional team?

The 1982 film The Thing starred this man, who is also Kate Hudson's step-father.

13

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Maybe we’re just getting too old, but the popularity of some mainstream music really baffles us these days. Hell, we understand why Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa are “the bee’s knees,” as kids are wont to say. These six artists? Not so much.

drake

mumford & sons

lmfao

Artist: Drake Known For:”Find Your Love,” looking tired and sad all of the time.

Horribly Annoying Trademark: Rapping an entire bar then pausing like this…to deliver a shitty punch line.

What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If a million 4-year-olds chained to a million crayons were locked in a room, how long would it take them to write a Drake song, 25 minutes? 30?”

Poetic Death: Everyone—from Lil’ Wayne to Nicki Minaj—who carried Drake on a track would take turns literally carrying Drake to a set of railroad tracks, where he’d finally meet his demise.

Artist: Mumford & Sons Known For: “Little Lion Man,” being vaguely earnest.

Horribly Annoying Trademark: Staaaaarting ouuuuuut playyyying a sonnnnng reallllly slowwwww, thenplayingthechorusreallyfast.

What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If you sang all your lyrics at the same pace, couldn’t each and every word get their due?”

Poetic Death: Tearfully, the band sacrifices themselves for a cause greater than themselves—one that flames out a few months later, like the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Artist: LMFAO Known For: “Party Rock Anthem,” enjoying shots in Miami.

Horribly Annoying Trademark: Looking and sounding like fucking idiots. Loudly.

What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Redfoo, SkyBlu, you both dress like your parents’ spent their lives shunning you. Sorry, that isn’t a question, just wasn’t sure if you realized that or not.”

Poetic Death: Major Lazer challenges the LMFAO boys to a drink-off, only to trick them into pounding shots of liquid cyanide.

katy perry

dropkick murphy's

bassnectar

Artist: Katy Perry Known For:”I Kissed A Girl,” “California Gurls,” marrying Russell Brand, tits.

Horribly Annoying Trademark: Catchy pop tracks with hooks and videos that imply women are sexually closeted idiots.

What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Whose entire routine is more of a gimmick, yours, or your husband’s?”

Poetic Death: No longer popular or famous, Perry offs herself in one last attention grab. It fails to generate the headlines she oh-so-desperately craves.

Artist: Dropkick Murphys Known For: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” being the musical equivalent of The Boondock Saints.

Horribly Annoying Trademark: Wishing desperately to be from Ireland, using an accordion and bagpipes without a hint of irony.

What We’d Ask In An Interview: “You’re the kind of assholes who roots for Notre Dame because you’re 5th generation Irish, aren’t you?”

Poetic Death: Alcohol poisoning, via Jameson suppositories.

Artist: Bassnectar Known For: Being an integral part of the dubstep trend that’s sweeping the nation.

Horribly Annoying Trademark: Having a shtick and a light show that mask glaring musical inability.

What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Did you and Beyonce mean to get your extensions from the same guy, or was that just some sort of happy coincidence?”

Poetic Death: A fan—while rolling their balls off on MDMA—sticks a turntable needle through the heart of a voodoo doll made from his hair, killing him.

Can you solve the riddle?

If so, email us at riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. First 10 win a prize!

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