Iowa State - 4/26/12 - v02i06

The Black Sheep

Hav Fre e a e...l gre ike at a bi su rd! mm er!

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 6 4/26/12 - 5/12/12

theblacksheeponline.com @TBS_IowaState

Problems, solved merritt rethlake wrote this

Your year is finally over. Congratulations! You’ve hopped over every hurdle that Iowa State has put in your way. The school year seems like a cinch viewed in your review mirror. It’s hard to remember all those difficulties you overcame. Let’s take a look at our year in review, from the big problems that will continue to haunt you, to the miniscule details that got washed down the beer bong; from the phrases uttered every day on campus, to the things no one should ever say; ladies and gents, here’s the quick and dirty on ISU’s problems from the last year.

The Caribou Coffee line at The Hub: This problem plagues all caffeine-addicted students. How are we supposed to get that pure Columbian shit from our hook-up if we have to wait in line for, like, five minutes?

All the outlets are taken at Parks: Usually the people using the outlets are on their laptops updating their Pinterest board with new pictures of Ryan Gosling.

I lost my mug: I mean, it might be somewhere with my phone, camera and dignity, but I’m not too keen on searching for anything at the moment seeing as I’m still in recovery mode.

Blackboard: Seriously though. What the hell? Granted, the system has gotten a bit better since the beginning of the school year, but I think we can all agree we’ve been pining for Web CT. State Gym took my student ID: I swear it’s not a fake! I don’t even want to work out here; I just heard there were superdelicious smoothies.

I can’t go anywhere without hearing “Call Me Maybe”: Is this a problem or the solution to a problem?

I’m out of print credits: Sorry I’m not in one of the colleges that have a fairy who magically sprinkles unlimited credits. Tell me if this makes sense – LAS students (who arguably write the most) get the least amount of credits. Business students on the other hand, sit there and print off their “How to be Rich” slides in full color.

Other stuff

Inside

I was blinded by an ag student’s belt buckle: Can I get paid back for my injury? Can I take a portion of their farming subsidies? What’s the crop look like this year?

The Parking Division: What happened to these guys that made them hate the world so much? Maybe no one loved them when they were young. Maybe they got screwed over by some girl. Maybe they went to Iowa. No matter their case, there’s no excuse for the crazy amount of yellow envelopes we’ve accumulated.

I stepped on the Zodiac: Yeah, you might claim that you don’t believe in its power. But then you failed Econ 101.

Twice. That’s what you get for prancing on it, you douchebag.

Kentucky: Too soon.

Library 160: Ah, in all of its fine print glory. It’s the most failed class at Iowa State because it’s the one you don’t actually have to attend to pass, until you forget about it entirely.

The heat index in the Gerdin computer lab: Get an engineer in there to figure out how to keep that temperature on lock.

88 degrees is a bit too balmy.

I was on hold for an hour for Thielen to tell me they have zero appointment openings: I finally got an appointment. Then they told me I just have a cold that’s completely incurable.

“Can I stay with you for VEISHEA?”: Sure, if you know how to spell it correctly.

“Your U-Bill will be charged.”: Thanks, mom.

Panda Express is out of orange chicken: You know that kind of day. You’ve had a rough morning. Your classes have been awful.

The only thing getting you through is knowing that Panda will be in your belly momentarily. Then it isn’t.

“What’s the difference between Orange Leaf and Aspen Leaf?”: No one actually knows, but you have to choose one and commit to it. It’s probably the closest that most of us will get to being in a gang.

Helser: You’ve heard the stories. You know what they say. “You don’t choose Helser. Helser chooses you.”

“Fuck the Hawkeyes.”: But seriously. They’re the worst.

“Wanna buy a philanthropy ticket?”: We totally canceled dinner…

Ah yes, putting the year behind us is nice. It’s time to look ahead to next year. How are we going to get screwed then?

Prepare to be Perkisized at your summer internship turned summer camp!

Finally get rid of the man following you home!

oh wait, Hold that thought a second...

see page 4

see page 7

see page 11

Conquering Summer Internships

Need Help Stopping Stalkers?

Invent-o-class: Waiting 450

Table of > > >

PAGE 4>>>

The Top Ten

PAGE 7 >>

So You’re Considering Day Drinking...

page 10 >>

Bartender of the Issue

page 12 >>

Parents Say the Darndest Things!

PAGE 13>>

Summer Blockbusted.

contents

Ways to Survive Summer in Ames (without getting a real job)... hahaha, jobs.

7

Why? Because alcohol has no concept of time.

Alex from Welch Avenue Station won’t make you drink a Urine Sample, but he’d probably enjoy watching you do it.

10

Especially when they’re interpreting Ke$ha lyrics.

How movies that look so right could go so horribly wrong.

Someone you know is planning her future.

We’re here for you with: Affordable Birth Control

HIV testing

STI Testing & Treatment

Emergency Contraception

Gardasil® Vaccine

Annual Exams

2530 Chamberlain St. | Ames www.ppheartland.org | 1.877.811.7526

page three

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Most embarrassing DUI ever.

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Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>>

Carneverous

A Overload Wench

Llama Peril Whirls

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: The act of owning a car, but refusing to lend it to, or give rides to, anyone.

Blaine is a carneverous dick, he never lets anyone drive his BMW M3.

04

THe top ten Ways to Survive a Summer in Ames (without getting a real job)

www.theblacksheeponline.com

10) Sell plasma on the reg: It’s not a career until you make it one. It’s a thriving business. You go in, have a nice chat with people who we assume have some sort of medical degree, get a brightly colored bandage wrapped around your arm, and send you on your way. Your BioLife card feels a bit heavier and there’s more swagger in your step – most likely due to blood loss, but oh well.

9) Collect cans from Skunk River: The phrase “one man’s trash is another man’s treasure” couldn’t be truer than when talking about floating down the Skunk River.

Drunkards float down the disease-infested waters with zero regard for the environment, which is great for you! Empty cans of Natty Light are yours for the cashing in. Thanks, bro.

conquering summer internships Tamara bartlett wrote this If you’re serious about being hired when you graduate, you’ve scored yourself an internship this summer. It can seem very daunting, but don’t be frightened! Even though internships are nothing like college, they are like something most children have survived: summer camp. Between the new living situations, meeting lots of new people, and getting homesick as a seven-year-old, being a summer intern is more like going to a summer camp than you would think.

While you won’t necessarily be in the woods during your internship, a new city or town can feel like a jungle. For once in your life, you’ll be able to relate to the kid in Jungle 2 Jungle.

While all the new culture, restaurants, and one-way streets can be confusing, embrace it. This is an accurate taste of what moving to a new city will be like. Also, all this newness has the potential for a lot of fun. Take the time to get to know your new niche. Dine at some local places, patronize a nearby dive bar, and take a jaunt in some of the parks and outdoor areas that the community takes pride in. In short, enjoy your new location while you’re there.

Your summer housing may not be quite what you desire. At camp, the typical set up tends to be a dank cabin with a sand floor and a community of spiders who joins you in your bed at night. At an internship it’s hard to know what to expect; maybe it’ll be lovely. But sometimes, it’s not. Perhaps you did your apartment hunting via the internet from six states away.

Perhaps the company you’ll be working for put you up in some grimy college dorms. Perhaps you agreed to a random roommate who turns out to be the embodiment of every obnoxious person you know. Whatever it may be, it’s significantly better than living with a dozen other girls in one gross room. It’s only for a summer; buck up.

All children know that it is of the utmost importance to meet people at camp. (Nobody wants to roast marshmallows alone.) While out getting your taste of the corporate world, it’s equally as important to meet people. Your friends at camp tend to be the girls in your cabin. You end up spending significant amounts of time with them, making god’s eyes, canoeing, singing campfire songs. At your company, the other interns will take that place in your heart. Get to know them so you don’t sit by yourself at the company picnic. Not only will the experience be more fun with friends, maybe you’ll even have a pen pal after the internship is over! In addition to your cohorts, you’ll want to gather a few mentors. Unlike summer camp, they probably won’t be friendship bracelet-wearing college students who desperately needed a summer job. Your new mentors will be coworkers, bosses, and other higher-ups who can guide you. These mentors will help you through your internship and may be good candidates for references down the road.

Truly, friends and mentors at an internship are important, not only to make the summer a blast, but to network.

“there are no rogue bears, but yes, there are vicious animals luRking in those cubicles.”

Finally, just like summer camp, you’ll be acquiring some mad skills. You may not be surviving in the woods, but surviving in the workplace can be equally dangerous. No, there are no rogue bears, but yes, there are vicious animals lurking in those cubicles. You probably won’t be learning how to build a fire, but you are picking up people and job skills that’ll keep you alive when you get your first real job.

So when you’re on your internship, don’t freak out. Just pretend you’re at Camp Obi-Wan-Kenobi again. To survive this, all you need to do is tolerate your living situation, make some new intern friends and learn a few usable skills. One final comparison: Sometimes on your internship, you’ll find yourself lying in your bed at night, just desperately wishing you could go home.

8) Hold up Jimmy Johns delivery guys: See how freaky fast they are on those bikes when you pop out of the bushes directly in front of them. Make sure you don’t injure said Jimmy Johnner too badly. If he flies off the bike that means the #9 Italian Night Club is going with him.

7) Open a kiddie pool in your front yard: But only if you’re a valid lifeguard! Can’t let you be in charge of the lives of all three people who are able to fit in that vat of sweat and grass. Charge $1 for swimming and $2 for those who want to dive in. Who said you aren’t an entrepreneur?

6) Start your own version of Super Dog : Superior Dog, if you will. It doesn’t cost much to buy hot dogs and buns. Collect toppings from around Ames - a couple from the sidewalks, maybe swing by and get some free samples from Hy-Vee, Chinese, then just throw them on top of the dog. Cross your fingers for scorching heat so you can use pavement as your flat top. Talk about being economical.

5) Pretend you’re here for a campus tour: This will guarantee you a free meal from the UDCC, potential new friends, and definitely a new draw-string backpack. (Yours has been looking a little worn lately.)

4) Become a Welch rickshaw driver: But seriously, how great would be if one of these guys actually existed? There are some nights when the walk from Headliners to Outlaws seems incredibly daunting.

3) Find friends who like to cook: Mexican night?!

Sounds awesome! It’s great to have friends who like to plan theme nights with food and drinks. Make sure you encourage them, that way they’ll do all of the cooking. They’ll be so thrilled with your compliments, they won’t notice you sneaking leftovers into your pants on the way out.

2) Coupon clip: sounds trivial, but this trick could actually save you tens of dollars! You’ll never be short on storebrand cereal, tampons, or vitamins – it seems they’re the only coupons that are ever in any newspaper. Hey, old people love deals too.

1) Dumpster dive: this summer survival technique is a classic. You might have to deal with people mistaking you for a homeless person, but the ends are greater than the means, you degenerate hobo, you.

merritt rethlake wrote this

n i t s e b e th ! s c i p y t par

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Need Help Stopping Stalkers? Finally get rid of the man following you home! adam carver wrote this There is something that needs to be addressed. Today’s society is petrified by the idea of cyber-stalking. This is a serious issue that is nothing like it used to be. Before the internet was an omnipotent force that is was today, there was a fragile system set in place. The system that was known everywhere as passing notes. This system was mastered during World War II (between editions of Call of Duty). It then infiltrated spy organizations, and then worst of all, schools. No one was safe from paper planes being thrown every which way with encrypted messages like “do you like me?” or “can I walk you home?”

Growing up, I became a cunning wordsmith, honing my prose in the underworld of passing notes to the girl I liked.

It didn’t matter that she didn’t feel the same way; I had to constantly remind her that I was here for her. Now, before you jump in with words like “abuse” or “harassment”, understand something. She and I had developed an unspoken agreement: I liked her and she didn’t like me. When I moved on, after a fruitless five-year campaign to appeal to her good nature, she came around. Using a relatively young form of communication called email, she told me she missed me and wanted to ask me to the school dance.

It was a great night that I battled crippling disease to enjoy.

She moved on quickly after that, the novelty that was me wore off quickly.

Why do I tell you all this? To show you I know this world of unrequited love. Since those days, people have taken to the internet to share a great deal of personal information on sites like Facebook, Twitter, and Youporn.com. But these same people putting their lives in the public view of the internet complain about having a stalker. Here’s a tip these people will no doubt ignore: don’t put yourself out there if you don’t want the 16-year-old boy from down the street to know you so intimately. He’s a growing boy!

Look, it happens to the best of us. So I’ve created a company for just such a problem. It’s called Stalktrap. Stalktrap hires reformed stalkers such as myself and those who still follow me around daily (you know who you are, Tim) to keep your profile online-only and social life void of stalker opportunities.

We work around the clock, living next door to you, to help you stay away from those creeps we used to be. The business plan is sound. Just like alcoholics make good AA sponsors and Charles Barkley makes a good basketball commentator (wait, scratch the last one), we know all the avenues to stalk since we know the brain of the average stalker. We have been carefully honing our work on Tim, my stalker, over the last several years. Minus the one incident at Perkins, we have managed to keep him at arm’s length and make this restraining order stick.

so you’re considering day drinking... merritt rethlake wrote this

To reach us for a quote or consult, simply ask the man standing outside your window. He will be happy to contact us with all your anti-stalker needs.

So you’re considering day drinking? First question – why are you still in the consideration stage? Day drinking is the best thing to have ever happened to drinking. And with the crazy nice weather we’ve had this year, good ole’ mother nature has practically been begging us to come out and play. VEISHEA, football games, and 100+ person lectures all support day drinking as well. Not to mention the summer season is going to turn you into an outdoorsy person.

And by that, we mean you’ll just be moving the raging you do inside houses to outside patios.

The beauty of day drinking is that there really is no essence of time. It’s just… daytime. There’s no regard for other responsibilities or other possible priorities. Getting through a case before 3 p.m. becomes your sole responsibility and top priority. Be careful though. This is a marathon, not a sprint. And for all you shit talkers out there who are going to tell me that you sprint marathons, here are some words of wisdom: No. No, you don’t. Let’s be honest. The only person who has the physical capacity to endure such a thing would probably be Katniss Everdeen.

Days that will go down in legend start off with a mimosa or a Mike’s Hard. “Oh, I’m not looking to get fucked up. I’m chillin’ mostly.” Yeah. Next thing you know, they’re chillin’ mostly inside a dumpster, purging their body of all drinks, snacks, and internal organs.

Some rookies aren’t in support of day drinking. “Omg you’re gonna like pass out at dinner time if you start drinking so early.” “Omg I only rage when it’s dark

out.” “Omg the bars aren’t even open during the day time.” To these narrow-minded fun haters we have one four-letter word for you: CHUG. There is special attire for day drinking. Real talk: we’ve all seen girls get way too dressed up to be sitting on a tree stump, attempting to play beer darts.

Yeah, sure, she might play it off like her heels are creating holes for the lawn’s irrigation. But in the back of her mind you know she’s thinking, “Damn it. I should’ve worn my Sperrys.” Take those comfy shoes, along with a rage tank and oversized sunglasses, and you’ve got yourself a day drinking uniform.

You can add on rage hats, rage shorts, or rage accessories wherever you feel necessary.

You don’t need another reason to get trashed midday, but we’ll give you one anyway: lawn games.

These are exceptional because they cater to both drunk and less drunk crowds. Standard drinking games like flip cup and beer pong can definitely be brought out on the patio. This is what we like to call “roughing it.” Bags is a staple. If you are day drinking, you must play bags. The Natty Light pumping through your veins turned this friendly game into a competition fiercer than Greek Week Egg Joust.

(Just kidding, nothing is more terrifying and ferocious than that event.)

The point of all this is to get you out of that “consideration” stage. Day drinking is wonderful. And we think you’re wonderful. So get out there and grab a drink before you call it a day.

GET YOUR FILL NOW

BEFORE YOU LEAVE FOR THE SUMMER! EVERY SATURDAY

Get a 16in two topping pizza and a 14in Smotharella Sticks ONLY $21.95!

EVERY MONDAY

Buy any 14in or larger pizza and get a second pizza of the same size for FREE!

2402 LINCOLN WAY | AMES, IOWA (515) 292.2321 | JEFFSPIZZASHOP.COM

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Monster Monday $1 Off Monster Drinks & Bombs

Happy Hour Tuesday - Sat (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Friday Feast 14in specialty pizza plus a 14in one topping pizza and a 2lt soda for only $25.95!

FRIDAY: F.A.C. 3-8pm Buck Burgers $4 Fishbowls After 8: $2 Wells and Draws

THURS

Bottle Night $1 Off Imports $2 Domestics

$2 Off Any Pitcher (excl. OMBC) $2 Iowa Pints

Buy a 14in or Larger Specialty Pizza and Get a 10in Smotharella Sticks for FREE!

Local Music Night Honor Mug Night: $4 Wells and $4 Draws Without Mug: $2 Wells and Draws

FRI

Happy Hour Noon - 6PM

Happy Hour (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Friday Feast 14in Specialty Pizza plus a 14in One Topping Pizza and a 2lt of Soda for only $25.95!

F.A.C. 3-8pm Buck Burgers $4 Fishbowls After 8: $2 Wells and Draws

SAT

Happy Hour Noon - 6PM

Happy Hour (4-7) $0.50 Off All Pints/Bottles $1 Off Pitchers and Shots

Get a 16in Two Topping Pizza and a 14in Smotharella Sticks for only $21.95!

$2 Wells and Draws

SUN

Free Pool and Happy Hour Pricing All Day and Night!

Happy Hour Tuesday - Saturday!

Get a 14in Two Topping Pizza and 4 Bosco Cheese Sticks for only $14.95!

Closed

MON

Monster Monday $1 Off Monster Drinks & Bombs

Check out website for upcoming concerts!

Buy any 14in or Larger Pizza and get a Second Pizza of the same size for FREE!

Movie Night $1 Wells/Draws

TUES

$2 Captain Morgan Drinks

$1 Off Micro Bottles $2 Captain Morgan

Buy any 14in or Large Pizza and Get a Smotharella Sticks of the Same Size for FREE!

Country Night $2 PBR Tall Boys $2 Busch Light Tall Boys and Draws

WED

Happy Hour Prices on Pitchers All Day and Night!

$1 Off Pints of Olde Main Brews $4 Monkey Bombs

Triple Play!

2 12in One-Topping Pizzas and a 12in Smotharella Sticks and a 2lt Soda for only $18.95!

Open Mic Night $2 White Russians and Colorado Bulldogs 2 for 1 Wells and Draws

get a jump start on your summer beach body

WEDNESDAY: $0.50 Drinks til Midnight

White Trash Wednesday $2 Tatertot Casserole $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) $2 PBR and Keystone from 7p-midnight

SPECIAL NIGHT

$1.00 Drinks til Midnight

2-Fer Thursday!

2-fer Wells (9PM-1AM) $2.50 Domestic Draws 11PM-1AM

THURS

$3.00 Captain and Coke

Unfiltered Friday! $5 Regular Nachos & $1.50 Draws and Keystone Lt. (2PM-7PM) $3.50 Craft and Import Bottles (7PM-1AM) $3.50 Blvd. Wheat

FRI

$3.00 Jack Daniels

Wing It Saturday! $0.59 Traditional or Boneless Wings & Gizzards $10 Domestic Buckets

SAT

Closed

Sunday Funday! $5 for 1lbs. Chicken Legs $7 PBR Pitchers (9PM-1AM) $5 Bloody Marys 9-1

SUN

$20 Union Sign Up (Save $10!)

Closed

Matamaros Monday $4 Margaritas (2pm - 7pm) $5 Pork Fajitas $11 Buckets (Dos XX, Corona, Landshark)

MON

$4 Pitchers 6-close

$2 Wells and Draws of Domestic Beer $3.50 Bombs

Karaoke Tuesday (9PM-1AM) $1 Tube Shots $5 (8) Boneless Wings $2.25 Spiced Rum and Pepsi

TUES

$0.50 Drinks til Midnight

White Trash Wednesday $2 Tatertot Casserole $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) $2 PBR and Keystone Tallboys from 7p-1AM

WED

Friday & Saturday: Happy Hour in the Pub 4-6 Sunday: Happy Hour in the Pub All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 Off Wine. $2 Off Appetizers

$2 Wells 6-Close $5 Growler Refills All Day!

Happy Hour in the Pub 4 - 6! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 Off Wine $2 Off Appetizers Happy Hour in the Pub 4 - 6! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 Off Wine $2 Off Appetizers Enjoy Happy Hour in the Pub All Day! $2.25 Pints & Wells $1 Off Wine | $2 Off Appetizers

$1 Pints 5-close

On the Go? Download The Black Sheep Mobile App and get Bar Specials on Your Phone!Search “Black Sheep Mobile” for iPhone and Android

The Bar Grid

10

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Bartenderof the Issue

Alex Sappingfiele Welch Ave Station Status: Iowa State Alumni How how long have you worked here?: I’ve been bartending for 5 years The drink you made most often: Long Island or Pissed Off Japanese Minnow Farmer Your Favorite Drink to make: Dirty Martini - most people have never had a really good martini. I like to show them how good they can really be.

A shot you recommend: Corked Bat: Butter schnapps, Bailey’s, Barenjager Dare shot: Urine Sample: PBR and tequila warmed in the microwave, served in a plastic cup.

What’s the best way to get your attention at the bar?: Tip well the time you came up before!

What is the weirdest thing that happens to you while you’re working?: People are always coming up to me, addressing me by name and always seem to know detailed information about me. I never have any idea who they are... I just kind of play along.

So this is a quieter bar, you must see people get hit on a lot. Have you ever seen anyone get completely shut down?: One time this guy bought a drink for a girl who had been sitting at the bar with her friend for quite some time. When I gave the girl the drink and indicated who it was from, her and her friend got up and went to a table on the other side of the bar. Guess she wasn’t interested!

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this is some of the stuff we're working on... how 'bout you?

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11

spend the week with us!

Invent-O-Class: Waiting 450 ...Hold that thought a second Adam Carver wrote this How are you not in a rehab clinic or a college dropout yet? Don’t get me wrong; we at The Black Sheep are grateful you’ve been there for us this past year. From our endless flirting with your younger sister to the time we had to bail you out of jail for trying to recreate The Beatles’ Abbey Road album cover during rush hour, it has been a wild ride we’ll tell our therapist about for years to come. To show how much we love you, here is the best class we have come up with.

Waiting 450 (1 credit – half semester class) Prerequisites: None You are just a credit or two shy of getting all the 300 and 400-level classes you need to graduate. So what the hell are you gonna do to fill the void? Can’t take any more film classes? Simple; take Waiting 450, the 400-level course that doesn’t care.

The class will meet twice a week, either dreadfully early (like 8:00a.m.) or late (during happy hour in Campustown). It’s the best time for a class of this type. It’s the easiest credit you’ll ever get. That is, if you have any patience. If you don’t, then you might be up a creek without a paddle being beaten in the face by your roommate who has obvious boundary issues.

In Waiting 450, all we do is wait. We don’t have any required homework and no required reading. All that the class does is sit there and wait. Now, you may find this class a waste of time. But ask yourself, what other 400-level class is going to be this basic?

“There must be some catch” you say, and you would be right. In Waiting 450, no cellphone use is allowed. Since this is a pass/fail course, any deviation from the rules will result in a failing grade for the class. And what would that say about you if you failed a class where you just have to sit there twice a week?

In addition to cell phone usage, neither talking nor homework from other classes will be allowed. This is college, not some study hall.

On that matter, sleeping and absences aren’t allowed either. Just one infraction and you fail the class.

Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas (2pm -7 pm) • $11 Buckets of Corona, Dos Equis and Landshark • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday (9pm - 1am) • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots and $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi White Trash Wednesday • $2 Tatertot Casserole & $2 Spam Sandwiches (7-10pm) • $2 PBR and Keystone (7p-1am) 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells (9-1am) • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints (11p-1a)

Unfiltered Friday • $5 Regular Nachos (2pm-7pm) • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws (2pm 7pm) • $3.50 All Craft / Imports (7pm - 1am) Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of PBR (9pm- 1am) • $5 Bloody Mary Bar All Day!

ked Bar

c Fully Sto

Spacious Interio r

liards

il Pool & B

You may be asking why the hell the infallible staff would recommend such a class. In a world where we are always running around and constantly doing three things at once, this class aims to reset your minds. Sometimes doing just your homework is better for you than cooking dinner, texting your distant boyfriend or girlfriend, and cleaning your room. There is a reason we nap so much in college, we aren’t taking time to stop and smell the roses we’re allergic to (where’s the EpiPen).

The class will have a revolving door of burntout grad students and cantankerous faculty.

They’ll need this class even more than you will. So daydream about what it was like spooning the dog the last time you got drunk.

Keep overanalyzing the mixed signals you get from the teaching assistant in your lab. If you make it to the end of the half semester intact, you’ll be one credit closer to graduation. You’re welcome.

l l a r o f e m o h your ! n o i t c a s t r o the sp westtownepub.com Open 11am - 2am | 4518 Mortensen | (515) 292-4555

Parents say the

Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.

darndest things!

Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”

And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.”

“Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?”

“The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all showing

off, doing their best.”

“Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.”

Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.

LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino, Gain the money Oprah Doe! “I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.”

“The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.”

“It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”

“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.”

Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here.

First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.

Drake- “The Motto”

Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel?

Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”

ern Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”

“This song is definitely about drug use.”

Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that

“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in south-

meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.

owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming

“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.”

“This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.”

“A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The

disco ball is hanging from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.”

Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.

Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it.

“This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.”

“Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?”

“It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “

Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.

Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care.

“I have no clue what’s going on here.”

“I have no idea.”

Verdict: Neither do we.

summer

blockbusted How movies that look so right

could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.

The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow?

Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit.

Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated.

Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks.

Commissioner Gordon becomes a A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?

Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this…this is not a good thing.

Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the cold-blooded Mark Zuckerberg.

So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us mega-frownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not

Wars universe, and Ridley Scott is decidedly different from stuff-mypants-so-full-with-money-my-guntgets-paper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, call-backs and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.

bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy.

Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.

The Campaign

Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:

movies that look crappy

but might just turn out okay Men in black 3

After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John

Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.

Snow White and the Huntsman

In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”

Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal.

Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard.

Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair.

(Each character awkwardly stares at the other for thirty seconds.)

the movie quickly spirals to a dark place rife with one-liner one-upIt doesn’t work. Instead of having a manship until the audience’s heads comparatively sane character to keep simultaneously explode. And that’s the film set in some sort of reality, bad for repeat viewings.

that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.

magic mike

This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres.

In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”

The Amazing Spiderman Brave Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist.

Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.

Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of

boobs. That’s not cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.

rock of ages

Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.

ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden.

Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.

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