The Black Sheep
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Volume 2, Issue 4 3/22/12 - 4/12/12
Big 12 Ends 2012:
The Black Sheep Makes Sure You Get the Facts Merritt Rethlake wrote this
3,000 years ago the Mayans made predictions about 2012. They said the year would welcome a ridiculously warm Midwestern winter, they called the reunification of Chris Brown and Rihanna, and yet another morbid season of Two and a Half Men. And with the announcement of Snooki’s pregnancy, Earth itself has no choice but to press the big red self-destruct button by the end of December. Our demise is contingent on one other fact, however. Archaeologists and researchers recently found inscriptions and images in ancient Mayan ruins. After months of working on translations, the researchers found a series of phrases including, “Cyclone basketball,” “Nationally ranked,” “Bears, Jayhawks, Wildcats, upset” and oddly enough, “Hilton Magic.” The evidence could not be clearer. Only an Iowa State Men’s Basketball national championship could save our world from ending in 2012. “Our jaws dropped when we finally decoded the symbols. I still refuse to believe it,” said Don Herk, head researcher and University of Iowa alumnus. Sadly, this didn’t garner national headlines, and the hopes and dreams of many crumbled as the tournament progressed. “This truly is the end,” said avid college basketball fans, wary of Hilton Magic. “Iowa State screwed my bracket right at the beginning.” After what looked like a simple win for our boys, the Huskies retreated back to Connecticut. UCONN fans said they were proud of their team. “There will be no trouble in making the basketball boys feel like they’re loved,” proclaimed Jerry Sandusky. While the rest of the world groaned, Cyclone fans knew they were on their way to saving the world. Cyclones were going crazy over the UCONN game. Twitter was on the edge of blowing up due to @Highway_30 mentions. Facebook’s “like” capacity was on overload as every Iowa State reference was given the thumbs up by thousands of people in a matter of mere seconds. TiVo systems were on the verge of collapse during the Kentucky/ Iowa State game as fans everywhere were rewinding and pausing to double check that, yes, in fact, that is the definition of a unibrow.
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There was also speculation amongst NCAA-goers that the sole reason Iowa State’s season ended is because the cameras could no longer handle the perfect physique belonging to Head Coach Fred Hoiberg. The Mayans wouldn’t have disagreed. Years ago a team of experts discovered remains of a huge portrait of a face was drawn across a clay wall. The face was perfectly designed. It was without error or age line. The beautiful smile was illustrated without a mistake. The Mayans used a golden hue of paint for the hair. There was zero inaccuracy in the strokes that outlined those short, fine hairlines. The Mayans predicted that this perfectly-constructed face would bring about a big red bird’s phoenix-like rise from the ashes. “The resemblance to
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Fred Hoiberg is uncanny,” experts stated. During the NCAA tournament, the Cyclones learned the hard way that Anthony Davis’ hairy accomplice is, quite literally, a worldender. There was talk that his furry friend might even spend a short while on the scientific list of natural elements. It was enough to throw off the Cyclone’s defensive and offensive game, which, as only the smartest basketball fans know, loses games. And as the world comes to an end in a few months, college basketball fans everywhere will be able to say they had a hand in it.
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