The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 1 2/1/12 - 2/23/12
Ryan Kennedy wrote this
Break out your candy-striped pants, Indiana Basketball is back. If this is breaking news to you I strongly consider transferring. You clearly aren’t at IU for the right reasons. After years of sub-par basketball, the Tom Crean experiment finally seems to be paying off. Coming into this season there was little doubt that IU would see improvement on the court, but how much improvement was uncertain. The Hoosiers raced out to an 8-0 start. With the top-ranked Kentucky Wildcats looming on the horizon, a strange idea began to circulate among the Indiana faithful everywhere: IU could win. Then the amazing happened. When the teams took the court on December 10th, what began as whispers that an upset was in the making erupted into a full-blown yell that shook Assembly Hall. A 747 could have crash-landed in the parking lot and those at the game wouldn’t have been able to hear it. 40 minutes of basketball later, Hoosier fans flooded onto the court before Christian “I shoot way more three-pointers than any forward should” Watford’s game-winning shot hit the floor. A celebratory riot ensued. Three weeks later the second-ranked Ohio State Buckeyes fell at the hands of Indiana, proving that no team is safe from the Hoosiers. Except for Michigan State, Minnesota, Ohio State in Columbus, Nebraska, and Wisconsin. Shit. Sure, those first few wins felt good. Too good. The Hoosiers climaxed too early. As of the time of this writing Indiana sits 6th in the Big Ten at 5-5. Suddenly these candy-striped pants feel sticky, uncomfortable, and awkward. Why is this happening? Because they’re a young team, and it shows. It’s like they spend all night spitting great game to the hottest girls at the party, but when the time comes to head home they can’t seal the deal. All that time and effort spent for nothing. If Indiana hopes to ascend higher than the plateau they find themselves on they must first learn their ABC’s. Always Be Closing. Especially away from Assembly Hall. Don’t get it twisted; this is an IU team with the weapons to beat any opponent. The Hoosiers are 3rd in the nation in 3-point field goal percentage, thanks in larger part to Jordan “make it rain on ‘em” Hulls, Watford, and Matt Roth, who leads the nation in the category. They also
rank fifth in total field goal percentage. Hell, even Tom “participation award” Pritchard’s ability to accumulate four fouls before the ball makes it across the court is impressive in its own way. It’s true that the inability to close is a glaring weakness, but it’s one that time and experience will easily correct. Cody Zeller, who ranks sixth in field goal percentage, is only a freshman. Imagine how his already dominating play will improve with another year. That’s the best part of having a young team, it only improves. Despite the recent struggles, this is a season to be proud of. If you told me in August we would have beat Kentucky and Ohio State I would have openly mocked you. We’ve come so far. Shortly after the Kentucky game a Playboy model and Kentucky fan (I didn’t know inbreeding could produce Playboy models) complained to the media that she was subjected to verbal abuse and sustained injuries as Hoosier fans stormed the court. Aside from being hilarious, I believe this story provides a perfect metaphor for the new era of Indiana basketball. There will be stumbles along the way, but regardless of who stands in front of us we will trample them into submission as we race to the top. The best is yet to come for Hoosier basketball. In case you were wondering, the top ranked recruiting class in the country reports to Bloomington in five months. #iubb #TheMovement.
well, you know... kind of.
see page 4
How Wikipedia Caused the Apocalypse
Just because it’s cold doesn’t mean you can throw back a few cold ones.
The difference one word can make. see page 7
see page 11
Too S.A.D. to Party?
Table of > > > PAGE 4>>>
The Top Ten
PAGE 6 >>
Cheers to Groundhog Day
page 6 >>
Valentine’s Day, Schmalentine’s Day
Things to do while single on Valentine’s Day
A furry little beaver is always a reason to celebrate.
Who needs love when you have hate?
page 10 >> Bartender of the Week
When you see Blake, don’t hesitate to yell, “Hey, bro!”
Taco Bell Challenge page 13 >> The how fast can you eat 10 taco bell hard shell tacos?
pic of the Issue >>> want to win
a very harold and kumar christmas
sorry bro #thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren't invited to a party in your own house...
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word of the week >>> Impotense
Ham Nice Jug
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Definition: A man’s inability to perform sexually in high-pressure environments. Wallace died a virgin because he suffered from impotense during the plane crash.
How the End of Wikipedia (kind of) Caused the Apocalypse Kyle Hassett wrote this
7) Enjoy the things in life that are best when spent alone: like pooping, playing solitaire, masturbating and crying yourself to sleep. The last two work well together, trust us.
creativity is illegal in North Korea, they just told everyone that Kim Jong-il died of old age. These facts had apparently been completely unknown to the entire world until December 20th of this year, when Osama and Kim Jong-il decided to reveal that they were still alive. On that day, they released a video explaining their elaborate plot to bring down Wikipedia, and therefore the entire world’s main source of information. By editing their pages and putting on false dates for their death, they made Wikipedia completely illegitimate. And since no website is allowed to put anything false online (I believe everything I read), the creator and controller of the Internet, Al Gore, was forced to permanently eliminate Wikipedia. Those bastards.
"i quickly got bored of how awesome my life had become, which is when logged onto my laptop i noticed a bottle of Itoimmediately see if Wikipedia really was gone only to find that the news was nyquil on the table." forever, true. Without an infinite supply of infor-
But how could it be? Both of these guys supposedly died in 2011…or so they would have us believe. I cranked up the volume on my television and watched the screen in disbelief. It turns out that both Osama and Kim Jong-il had hatched a diabolical plan to go onto their respective Wikipedia pages and, since anyone can edit the content, wrote down fake dates of death for themselves. And since pretty much everyone in the world, including all of the major news stations, use Wikipedia as their main source of information, it was globally reported that they had each died on those dates. The United States, on a constant quest to appear superbadass to the rest of the world, completely fabricated the Seal Team Six story, and since no one else in the world actually knew how Osama died, everyone believed it. And since
10) Chinese Food and Wine: You’re not alone when you have a bottle of wine to keep you company, and you’re actually adding to your cultural experiences by eating crab rangoon.
8) Shots on Shots on Shots: Surely other friends are celebrating this day in all black like you, so why not rejoice together? Take a shot for every year you’ve spent single on VDay. Pretty soon your holiday is going to get a whole lot better.
I began to ponder what life nowadays would be like if Wikipedia were to be completely shut down for good. I was experiencing pretty severe couch-lock that day, so I had plenty of time to contemplate the issue. During a routine pillow reposition, a tiny green bottle on the coffee table caught my eye. It was a bottle of NyQuil, and I noticed a warning label that read: “Caution: May cause the user to experience extremely vivid and somewhat accurate depictions of the near future. Also, please refrain from consuming the entire…” But before I could even finish reading, I had already dumped the entire bottle into my beer bong, taken a knee, and downed the whole thing. Just as I started to wonder what the rest of that warning label might have said, I was out like an albino in flashlight tag.
It sure didn’t look like the world was going to end any time soon because everything seemed to be pretty normal. There were no natural disasters going on around me, and everyone looked as though they were carrying on with their normal lives. Acting out of instinct, I went into my house and plopped myself down in front of the television. Pretty weak dream thus far. I flipped through channels until I came upon a national address from the new President-elect: Tim Tebow (Saw that one coming). The Te-bro was in the middle of what appeared to be a speech regarding some heinous act of cyber terrorism that led to Wikipedia’s destruction. And then the faces of two familiar super-villains popped up on the screen. It would appear that the ones responsible for eliminating Wikipedia from the Internet were none other than (cue dramatic music) Osama bin Laden and Kim Jong-il!
Things to Do While Single on Valentine's Day
9) Watch The Notebook by Yourself: On repeat for the entire day and write a paper about how unrealistic the plot is. “This kind of love doesn’t have enough screaming!” you say.
A few weeks ago, there was a brief nationwide scare when Wikipedia went offline for a day in protest of whatever the hell that SOPA shit was. I’ve got to admit that having a day without Wikipedia, perhaps the single greatest resource for anything and everything, really forced me to do some soulsearching.
There was a brilliant burst of green light, and I was suddenly standing on what appeared to be the sidewalk in front of my house. I quickly checked my phone and saw that it was December 20th, 2012, the day before the Mayans predicted the world would end. I looked down and happened to notice that I was wearing a shirt that read “Bring Back Wikipedia!” This brought me to two horrifying conclusions: Wikipedia has officially been shut down, and in the near future, I turn into an obnoxious protestor.
THe top ten
mation at my fingertips, I logged onto Facebook and checked out some of my pictures from the past months. By the looks of it, I start dating Jessica Alba after she guest-speaks at IU during Welcome Week, which is pretty sweet I guess. I quickly got bored of how awesome my life had become, which is when I noticed a bottle of NyQuil on the table. Since it was a dream, I figured nothing too terrible could happen, so I chugged the whole thing. This led to some shit straight out of Inception, which I’ll let you in on at a later date.
I didn’t wake up until the next day, which was supposedly doomsday. And it turns out that those pesky Mayans called it. In an occurrence completely unrelated to this whole Wikipedia disaster, the world comes to an end after the entire Jersey Shore cast transforms into radioactive mutants as a result of their heavy use of steroids and tanning beds and terrorizes humanity until no one is left. I snapped out of my dream just as a hundred-foot-tall Snooki was about to feed me to her fourth head. When I was back in the real world, I immediately went onto Wikipedia and looked up “How to kill guido-mutants”, but that page doesn’t exist. We are so screwed.
6) Fall In Love With A Stripper: Who says you need to spend your Valentine’s Day alone even if you are as single as the 40-year-old virgin? Indiana is known to have the cheapest strippers around, so lock the doors and enjoy the private showing. Who needs love when you can have pleather, whips, cheap champagne, and whipped cream? 5) Go to the Gym: Maybe try and be productive this Valentine’s Day. Strap on your running shoes and hit the gym with a group of fellow motivated singles. Who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and meet someone there. 4) Go See The Vow: If you haven’t seen the commercials, you haven’t lived. This tear-jerking Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum film provides eye candy for all viewers. You may be alone on this love-filled night, but at least you can witness a fictional person’s success! 3) Steal a sappy couple's dinner reservation at Grazie: You can feel sorry for yourself over a big glass of wine and some fancy Italian food, while simultaneously sticking it to Cupid. 2) Throw a “We Hate Valentine’s Day" party: What’s a better way to spend Valentine’s Day than with all of the other happily single people in your life? Celebrate your happiness with cheap booze and a heart-shaped piñata. 1) Pick up a lonely freshman: There will be plenty of freshmen missing their significant others their first year apart. Float around the dorms until you find your victim and pounce!
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SHOUT OUTS! Jake, that was an epic party, but seriously, who clogged the toilet? Thanks for not getting too mad when my friend and I peed in your trash can...-Sarah Danny, sorry we broke your TV…who knew those hand straps on the Wii remotes would have come in handy? Chris, there’s no way you are keeping that damn cat you saved over break. First, you found him in an alley, second, it’s already peed on you twice, and third, IT SMELLS! Are you ready for one last semester, girls of 412? Time to get crayyyyyyyyyyyy! So Megs, about that resolution of going to the gym twice a week...already broken...so sad...-Jess John, new resolution, no fatties this year. Deal? -Brian Sarah J - It was great "reconnecting" over break, but uhh...I'll see you in the summer. Cool? - Dave Drunk girl eating that sub on the sidewalk Saturday...you looked good with that mayo on your face. -5 polo poppin Owning a dragon pillow pet is not acceptable for a grown man to have on his bed. Hide that shit. -Eggz Blonde in the mini skirt at Brothers who asked me if I was related to Drew Carey...I hate you. There's NO CRYING IN (wii) BASEBALL SCOTT!!! Jesssss - way to bring in the 21st...the bathroom smelled like Jager for a week... Amanda, next time we make out, warn me that you've had a tray of blue shots... smurftastic Carly, baking "special" brownies doesn't mean you've stopped smoking weed. It does mean you're the best roommie ever though -Lindz Maggie...I never realized how annoying New Yorkers could be until I met you. I hope Eli gets killed this weekend. -Mike Engineering Lenz...you're too cute to be that nerdy. Seriously. To my neighbor who seems to think I can't hear the porn through the walls...you're wrong. And you like really weird stuff. Was that a Grandma talking the other night? -508 Steve - see what happens when you have two loaded Chucks? Man up! SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
cheers to groundhog day
Elisabeth Klisser wrote this
www.theblacksheeponline.com Happy Groundhog Day, Hoosiers! You’re all probably gushing over one of the most anticipated days of the year honoring our favorite furry weather pundit. No? You forgot? Typical. Groundhog Day is often overlooked and sometimes even disregarded as a real holiday. We don’t get any time off school, the mail still gets delivered, and Charlie Brown never celebrates it in any of his television specials. So why should you care? The answer is simple. It is just another excuse to party. Here are plenty of reasons, as if you need them, why Groundhog Day should be treated just like any other holiday. First of all, nothing is more American than getting inebriated with friends and family on national holidays. Eggnog and champagne are plentiful during the winter holiday season, so why should Groundhog Day be any exception? It’s still winter isn’t it? It is an American (and Canadian, eh?) holiday after all, so we should commemorate it in an American fashion. Not sure how to celebrate? Look at it this way, your Groundhog Day festivities should leave you so drunk, making it home would be far too difficult. This way, when you wake up the next morning in the great outdoors, you can check for a shadow yourself. If the patriotism card didn’t get you, then maybe this one will. The entire premise of Groundhog Day is completely geared towards drinking, despite whether or not the groundhog sees his shadow. If that furry little critter doesn’t see his shadow on this blessed day, than that means we can expect an early spring. Bloomington in the spring means Little 500, spring break in Panama City Beach, and weather that doesn’t make you want to jump off the top floor of Ballentine. If the mere idea of spring steadily approaching doesn’t make you want to crack open a cold one, then Groundhog Day and all its glory is completely lost on you.
On the flip side, if our favorite woodland creature happens to spot his own shadow, we have a whole new reason to drink. When the groundhog sees his shadow it means six more weeks of winter, which means we’re all screwed. Six more weeks of walking across campus through blizzards. Six more weeks of ice storms that make venturing from party to party on weekends nearly impossible. Six more weeks of peppermint schnapps being seasonally appropriate, which we’re all pretty much sick of at this point. Six more weeks of winter is enough to drive anyone to the bottle. But aside from these reasons, it is clear that Groundhog Day has been pushed aside or far too long. With the exception of the 1993 Bill Murray film named after it, the holiday is hardly recognized at all. The cast of Jersey Shore can barely speak English, yet we watch them week after week. This animal can predict the weather, yet America hardly blinks an eye. It is time to give credit where credit is due. Today, take a shot for good ole Punxsutawney Phil. But taking a stand and celebrating this often-overlooked holiday isn’t just about Groundhog Day, but about all neglected holidays. Overhyped days such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, and New Year’s often steal the thunder of less popular holidays like Earth Day, Constitution Day, and May Day. It is our moral obligation to celebrate these often ignored holidays with just as much energy and alcohol as any other. So this holiday season, buy yourself a six pack of Woodchuck Cider and drink. Drink because it’s American. Drink because this shitty weather is almost over. Drink for equal rights. Drink because it’s Thursday, and let’s be honest, you were going to get hammered anyway.
Valentine’s Day, Schmalentine’s Day Kendall McDougal wrote this The fateful day is approaching, Hoosiers. The day all couples swoon over and all singles dread for months in advance – freakin’ Valentine’s Day. This dark day is always unpredictable, but you can handle any curveball that comes your way.There are a number of scenarios that this “holiday” can bring and I advise you to be fully prepared to face all of them if you want to make it out alive. Let’s take a look at some of these possible fates and see what we can do to kick their asses.
Day has got a bitch named Karma coming their way…it’s only a matter of time before it all catches up to them.
You Have No Date: This is not the end of the world, Hoosiers. In fact, more people are probably celebrating (don’t know if I’d quite call it that) this day alone than with a significant other. If you are one of the loners, embrace it. Buy yourself outrageous amounts of chocolate and wine (or chocolate wine!), get some friends together and see where the night takes you. Who knows, maybe if you go out you’ll discover that Cupid has a special station at Roy’s for you and your future betrothed. Bottom line, don’t waste the day crying over your loneliness– make the best of it, laugh about your shared single status with your friends, and let the good times roll. You Get Stood Up: Let’s face it, this is just a slap in the face. In the days leading up to V-day you were playing this “date” over and over in your head planning how to hook this potential future boyfriend or girlfriend. Then the day finally comes, you’re ready to spit some game, and the dream date is a no show. Well, to hell with them. Don’t waste your time going over every text you’ve ever sent trying to figure out if they didn’t show up because you included too many exclamation points in an iMessage a few days back. The reason the date didn’t work out is irrelevant. Call up your best friend, grab a bottle of cheap wine and get in your sweats. A couple hours and a couple bottles later, all thoughts of the date will be history and you will end Valentine’s Day with a win.
You Get Too Drunk on Your Date: Well you got the first part right – you got a date. Problem is you got a little over excited when that bottle of merlot came out. What starts off as a harmless glass of wine to loosen things up turns into an entire bottle - oops. Before you know it you’re slurring your words as you confess your drunk love for this person on the first date. The solution here is pretty obvious – stop the chugging and call a taxi ASAP. You can apologize in the morning for having to end the night early, but at least that’s better than continuing to talk out of your ass and saying something you will really regret.
You Get Dumped: Ouch. This is certainly one of the more difficult scenarios to conquer. But hey, there’s nothing us IU kids can’t handle, right? Though it might not be the most glamorous option, the best way to deal with this is to just let it all out. Have a nice long cry - make that box of tissues your date for the night. Though the night may be depressing, you’re better off in the long run. Whoever dumped someone on Valentine’s
So you see, Hoosiers, Valentine’s Day is not that scary. Whether you’re spending it with someone you love, a friend, a blind date, or just yourself, life will go on believe it or not. Whichever fate is yours this year, make it your bitch. Let’s own Valentine’s Day 2012 and not let it kill our self-esteem. Bring it on St. Valentine...you’ve got nothing on IU students.
Roasting Others: The Difference One Word Can Make Jillian Mandell wrote this Guy or gal, when it comes to trash talking we’ve all been guilty at one point or another. Words describing the opposite sex are carelessly thrown around, but some can be far more damaging than others. For girls, it’s not that insulting to be called the standard “bitch” or “slut” but, once you are deemed a “psychopath”- oh hell no. For guys the words to be avoided are different but nevertheless cringe-worthy. Either way there are certain damaging adjectives that you should avoid at all costs if you want to keep your revered and ever-so-chill reputation on lock. Psycho: So you sent a few embarrassing drunk texts, maybe even more than a few but, there is a point where you become known as a psycho. You will quickly acquire this not-so-cute nickname if you think it’s okay to call the boy you are trying to hookup with 37 times in one hour. Not only do you stalk your prey, you also stalk his friends on both Facebook and Twitter. You look at wall-to-walls hoping for any clues as to where he might be at any given time so you can “casually” bump into him on campus. You tell him that you two would make cute babies, and Photoshop pictures of your faces together. You are a cray cray bitch. Creep: The bitter truth of today’s generation is that many girls still long for the guy that is a total douche scumbag. So, if a guy is described as an “asshole”, “jerk”, or “cocky,” that doesn’t make him off-limits. However, a guy should never want to be called a creep. The standard definition of a creep is the guy who is continually scouting out the most belligerent girls at the party. He often stands in a corner by
himself, and smirks at the freshman girl who seems innocent beyond belief. A creep is a huge pervert who tries to friend you on Facebook even after you have denied his request three times, and then continues to Facebook message you. Airhead: Something about this word rubs people the wrong way. Refer to a girl as a dumbass or stupid, but once you title her as an airhead she will be looked at differently. Sure, some arrogant mofos are only looking for their next slampiece to be both good looking and good looking, but I like to hope that some people still respect a girl with some substance. Girls known as airheads believe that Mary Kate and Ashley Olson are the greatest contribution to the human race, that Washington, D.C. is located in the state of Washington, and that Clueless epitomizes all of life’s problems. Gentleman it’s your turn... Too Nice: It does seem as if chivalry is dead. No, don’t walk around and be a huge dick just because you have one- but when a guy is too nice the girls usually run for the hills. Being too nice means being too eager to please. Even though it’s the second day of class this guy has already taken notes on all of the material up until the midterm, printed out a copy for you, and told you to feel free to call him with any questions. Be a gentleman not a pushover. Don’t tell the girl you have hooked up with once that your mom wants to meet her. Don’t text her every hour of the day commenting on the weather and telling her to keep warm, or to talk about the condiments you just put on your sandwich.
Avoid these awkward, embarrassing, and common slurs and you should hopefully be good to go. Get labeled with one of these bad blurbs, well, better look for a casual encounter on Craigslist. There’s of like-minded rejects in Bloomington looking for a lay.
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Issue Nickname: Blake or “Hey Bro!” Relationship Status: Single Favorite Drink: Double Whiskey with Ginger Ale
e k a l B i v e Lcanopykilclub ts roy's spor
Worst hook-up story: Every Tuesday night What is your theme song: “Up All Night” by Drake
Dream Job: A marine biologist
What is your life motto: Live life with no regrets
Celebrity Crush: Beyoncé or Adam Levine
Biggest Pet Peeve: People who overuse the word “sorry”
Which celebrity would you punch in the face? Oprah
Biggest turn off: Bad teeth and bad breath
Which Disney character would you hook up with? Pocahontas
What did you think when you woke up this morning: Fuck! I do not want to work today
What is the funniest thing you’ve seen while working? Someone getting a blowjob in a booth, I thought the girl was passed out on his lap
Shot Glass Chess Are you bored with regular, lowbrow drinking games? Are you tired of the simple-minded card-games the peons in the Liberals Arts department play? Are you waiting for something worthy of you, the most rare and elite of all intellectuals, The Engineer? Do you wish to combine the artistry and strategy of a thousand-year-old game with the depravity of college life? If so, this is the game for you. Number of Players: A minimum and maximum of two. What You Need: A chess board, 32 shot glasses, a handle of your favorite liquor, 2 different colored markers and a completely distorted sense of what actually constitutes a drinking game. Intoxication Level: Before you know it you and your partner will reach Bobby Fischer levels of anti-Semitism. No but seriously, if you’re not careful you could die. Alcohol poisoning is real, people! How to Play: - Mark the shot glasses before the game in order to distinguish between types of pieces (knights, kings, queens, pawns, rooks, bishops) - Mark the shot glasses to distinguish between your pieces and your opponent’s pieces (white and black) - Fill the shot glasses - Place them on the board - For the rest, see rules of chess. The Game Ends When: Either your partner forfeits or you checkmate the king. Have you really never played chess before?
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
Signs someone is too drunk: When they’re looking around, slurring their words and falling on the bar Pornstar Name: Dusty Rose
recipe for disaster:
diet hot dog It’s nature’s cruelest joke. You come home after a night of hardcore partying, starving, in desperate need of sustenance, yet you find your motor skills severely impaired. “If I can’t drive a car, how am I supposed to baste a turkey...” you hear yourself wonder aloud. Don’t worry, dear reader; we at The Black Sheep have a simple recipe just for you. What You Need: One hotdog, one piece of bread. Cook Time: 30 seconds. Let’s Get Baked: -Take one generic store-bought hot dog and place it directly on the microwave tray, no plate needed. -Take a piece of bread and place it in the toaster. -Take the toasted bread and, with a flourish, toss it into a nearby garbage can, BECAUSE CARBS ARE THE ENEMY. -Take the cooked ho tdog out of the microwave and hold it with only your thumb and index finger in order to avoid suggestive images and nasty microwave burns. -Insert hot dog into mouth. -Repeat if necessary. With this recipe you will be slim and well-fed in no time – well not no time. As fast as it takes you to down a hot dog, which for some competitive eaters can really seem like no time.
too s.a.d. to party?
kate waxler wrote this
Everyone has one of those nights. It’s just too cold to bear the freezing wind against your face, where turning off the Jersey Shore marathon sounds worse than actually being on Jersey Shore, where you would rather snuggle up with your blanket and have a good cry. Any of these scenarios sound familiar to you? Hoosiers, seasonal depression is a very real and prevalent epidemic on our fair Bloomington campus. At 1:30 a.m. last Wednesday night I drove by what I thought was Kilroy’s Sports Bar, a B-Town hotspot known to always be raging. However, I was both in shock and disgusted by what I actually saw. Where there is usually a line 50 deep, the only soul in sight was the bouncer. They even had the doors wide open, begging for students to stumble in off the streets. During the spring, it wouldn’t matter what time of night it was- Sports would always be bumping. Is this weather so bad that you can’t make it to your favorite bar? Are we really going to let our party habits slowly slip just because of a little ice storm? According to Wikipedia, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is when people experience depressive symptoms in the autumn or winter. Symptoms of SAD may include difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep and overeat, especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain (notice those jeans get a little snug?). Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on or completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, social activities and decreased sex drive. I hope that after reading that last bit you straightened up and snapped out of your sulky mood. Hoosiers, listen up: IU is ranked as the 16th best party school in the country. That is an important title we need to not only defend, but improve. Look at our basketball team- they’re moving up so why can’t we? For years we have been on the struggle bus trying to get back to the glory days of Bobby
Knight (apparently the basketball team has had SAD for about 10 years). Now that we are back in the news and ranked 20th, the country is finally recognizing IU as a contender again. Are we going to let SAD affect another major ranking for the Hoosiers? Ladies, I understand you don’t want to go out in a mini skirt and heels when there is a possibility of falling on your ass on the ice. Guys, I get that you will have to splurge for that extra cab fare because it’s too cold to stumble back home. But friends, we can’t let this weather affect our party school rankingit’s too important. Some misguided individuals may claim that there are minimal reasons to celebrate during the winter months in comparison to the spring. Yes, Welcome Week, Homecoming, tailgates, boats, etc. are all life-changing party experiences. But in the winter, I should only need to mention one reason for you to jump out of your seat and put your rage pants on. How can you ever deny partying in honor of our amazing basketball team- Cody Zeller anyone? Just seeing that beautiful albino gazelle scamper up and down the court in an IU jersey puts a smile on hundreds of Hoosier faces. The scenario we are in is completely backwards: we party harder for our losing football team than any other Big Ten school, yet now that our basketball team is actually winning we can’t muster up the strength to bear a little snow and rally twice as hard? So get out there and kick that seasonal depression shit out of the water—don’t be a candidate for decreased sex drive or anti-social habits. A key to helping you get out from under the depression cloud: take off the sweatpants! Actually attempt to put yourself in decent clothes; it will make you feel 100% better and more likely to want to kill a Hairy Bear or two. Turn off Must Love Dogs ladies, and go out to Kilroy’s to find a real guy that’s better than John Cusack. Remember Hoosiers, depression can happen to the best of us, but it’s our job to pop a Vitamin D, stick it to the snow, and party on.
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the entertainment page
On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.
The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!
Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a downand-out urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.
The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.
The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a primand-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.
Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.
lana del rey Born to Die Lana Del Rey-ally wants to be something, but we won’t hold our breath.
I only started recently hearing about Lana Del Rey, as I’m sure you all have, after her supposedly “awful” SNL performance a few weeks ago. Naturally, I, as I’m sure some of you have, checked it out on YouTube and was puzzled by what everyone was so upset about. She’s a little awkward, sure, and could have maybe done more than just stand there so rigidly, but I think her voice is unique and that her music is kind of nice. It’s poppy without being annoying, soft without being depressing, and different in the sense that it’s catchy without being over the top. On the surface she appears extremely generic (her real name is Elizabeth Grant and she’s from upstate New York, for goodness sakes) and the chances of her becoming the next Robyn or Britney are slim, but her debut album Born to Die is not one to write off. The first half of Born to Die (so Gaga of her, right?) flows along like a perfect pop record; its catchy tunes are upbeat without being overbearing or sounding inauthentic. The first song “Born to Die” is a beautiful soft ballad that starts the album off upbeat and trancey, which I really liked. What I particularly enjoy about Del Rey are her lyrics. They aren’t particularly polished or original, but they are simple and relatable, which some might find “not creative/deep/cool enough” but I find hilarious and authentic. In her song “Blue Jeans,”
Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.
this white girl sings “You so fresh to death and as sick as cancer / You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip-hop.” Nothing quite like a subtle Jersey Shore reference to win over this reviewer— these lyrics show us that Del Rey is just a real 25-year-old girl. The second half of the album starts off with a seemingly “live” recording of The Star-Spangled Banner; static interrupts with an old-timey news break and the song continues on, while the last four songs are, indeed, live, almost giving the feel of two completely different albums. So, love her or hate her, Lana Del Rey ain’t that bad. Maybe she wasn’t perfect during a live performance on a hugely popular television show, but neither were you when you had to give a 2-minute presentation on the migrating patterns of bottle-nosed dolphins and your palms were so sweaty you dropped your notes. But then again, I loved Ashlee Simpson back in the day (like, a lot) and we all know how she ended up on SNL. Oopsies.
The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultra-slow motion. Run time: 6 hours.
Sounds Like: A more poppy Enya, though some may compare her to Tori Amos. Download: Blue Jeans, Born to Die, Video Games Listen to it When: You want to vibe out but not cry.
War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.
UPCOMING RELEASES Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 51 Lamb of God - Resolution
Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom Tim McGraw - Emotional Traffic
The Fray - Scars & Stories Gotye - Making Mirrors
Imperial Teen - Feed the Sound Leonard Cohen - Old Ideas
Beat The Black Sheep:
The Taco Bell Challenge The Challenge:
Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan
The Plan of Attack:
How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?
Um, to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.
I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.
A 6’3”, 185lb male.
The Retroactive Diary:
Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of self-shame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a co-worker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants. Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)
Time: 5:41 The Aftermath:
Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain.
The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.
Are You In?:
Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.
Don’t Believe Us?:
Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.
Think you know the answer? Send your guess to firstname.lastname@example.org and if you're right, you might win something sweet. No... something AWESOME! Okay, it might just be sweet.
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the crossword: animal mascots the clues
9 10 11 12
A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 6 7 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S
E M F R O G
Down >> The mascot answers for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, pr/Marketing totallymanager makes sense. (2 Words) Carmen 4Alexandria A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. pr/Marketing Team 5 Brian A fabric aptly Brownstone Reed - Bistro Cardinal Fitness Buffa Louie's Kilroy's Cofer softener bear, Flats Gresham Urban Fitness Studio Target DunnKirk called this. Mark Dunn Rubicon McNutt Center Iron Pit Gym Halloween USA Sports 7 Denise This Gibbs Linux penguin isBrothers dressed forRuncible Spoon The Village Foster Harper Dagwoods ALL GREEK HOUSES! Wilkie Jimmy Johns Luna Café Nick's Diane Gennityevent. a formal BINS AROUND Health Center The Union Noodles and Company Village Deli 8campus He'sdirector a tired mascot, butCandy not as Copper Cup CAMPUS! Smallwood B-School Campus AND MORE! 10th and College Woodburn Total Tan Starbuck's tired as those damn cavemen. Brendan Bonham 10th and Bypass Ballentine Sun Kiss Tanning Potbelly 9 This tall toy pusher can reach Villas Wells Sol Spa Butch's the top shelf of the Legos. owner Doshi shitting my pants. (3 10 Atish Yo quiero Words) Founders 14 How many licks does take him TheitBlack Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age Peter Rentschler, Atish Doshi, to get to the center of your drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo (2 Words) attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Erickson,mom? Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers 15 These animals hawked a Owned & Operated By: 3-syllable beer. Questions? 1
ross e "Always Sunny" wild card ould enjoy this chicken of e sea. (2 Words) rainbow-beaked sugar high aiting to happen. (2 Words) n he get hump cancer? (2 ords) Managing hen it humps, it just Editor keeps Peter Rentschler ing and going and going. (2 ords) Editorial managers hn Wayne nicknamed dog Katharine Rinker ves baked beans. Bethany Aho eir Coca-Cola will surely be Advertising Managers ld. (2 Words) Andrew Harrison (2 e's addicted to Smack(s). Sumit Chatterjee ords) Tom Wetmore
18) He’s addicted to Smack(s). (2 words) DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
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G 10 E T 11 T O U C A F C F O E B 13 R E Y L L 16 D O G
Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.
across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 words) 18
Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)
Meet The Staff!
distribution Manager Mac Fillet Writers Elisabeth Klisser Jillian Mandell Ryan Kennedy Kate Waxler Mack Sterr Kyle Hassett Kendall McDougal photographer Issie Kellman
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Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
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six degrees of separation
Do you know how Tom Sizemore and Pamela Anderson are connected? Email us at email@example.com and let us know. If youâ€™re right, you may just get a sweet ass prize.
? ? class tim e