Volume 1, Issue 2 | 10/26/11 - 11/10/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
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What in the world is the Rock?
Ryan Kennedy wrote this Here at The Black Sheep we pride ourselves in providing not just hilarious articles for the entertainment of Hoosiers all over campus, but also hard-hitting, fact-based news meant to illuminate campus issues and educate our readers. So when my editor came to me asking for an article covering the history of “The Rock” on the IU football field, I grabbed my notepad and obnoxiously large magnifying glass and took it upon myself to do some top-notch investigative reporting for the good of the campus. Only the names, locations and facts have been changed to protect those involved. We’ve all heard the phrase “defend The Rock,” but how many of us actually know the origin of the expression? I hit campus to find out, but was met with not much more than blank stares. I decided to cut the foreplay and head straight to Memorial Stadium, home of “The Rock.” I talked to various football staff members, who all asked to remain anonymous, and found that they were more than happy to tell me about “The Rock.” According to them, “The Rock” is the name the late Indiana football coach Terry Hoeppner gave to Memorial Stadium as a reference to the stadium’s limestone construction. The actual rock that sits in the north end zone is a three-ton piece from the quarry the stadium was built from. Satisfied with what I’d heard, but disappointed with “The Rock’s” seemingly mundane history, I turned to go home and begin writing my story. “They’re lying to you, kid,” said a raspy voice from behind me. I turned around, half out of interest and half to tell the mysterious voice not to call me a kid. Out of the shadows came a hunched-over old man leaning on a mop bucket for support. He had white, disheveled hair that was falling out in places and
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a patchy beard covering his wrinkled face. “You want to know the truth about ‘The Rock’?” he asked. I nodded my head. The man glared at me with his one good eye and puffed on his cigar. “Meet me at 4 a.m. behind Nick’s with three KFC Double Downs and I’ll tell you all you need to know.” Before I could explain that KFC stopped making Double Downs, he disappeared. Intrigued by this encounter, I resolved to meet with the old man. It’s my duty as a journalist. Most of the drunks had stumbled home by the time I arrived in the alley. 4 a.m. came and went, and with each passing moment I became more sure I was about to be murdered. “You must be serious about this kid. Gimme my sandwiches!” growled a voice from the shadows. “I brought you whiskey instead, now tell me what you know,” I responded. The man reached for the bottle and I noticed “Defend The Rock” tattooed on his wrist. “My name is Jedidiah,” he said, twisting the lid off the bottle. “This story goes much deeper than you could ever know. You’re going to want to sit down.” “It all started in 1969. I was working with NASA studying the moon rocks that had been brought back by the first moon landing. In the course of my work I discovered that the rocks emitted radiation. I hypothesized that a big enough moon rock could be used to power entire regions of the country, even in the event of a nuclear holocaust.” Here Jedidiah stopped and finished off what was left of his whiskey. “Naturally, the government wanted a rock like that so they sent Tom Hanks and Apollo 13 to retrieve one. Nobody thinks they landed on the moon, but they did. The radiation from the rock they retrieved was so powerful it caused their spacecraft’s oxygen tank to
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explode, nearly causing a disaster of epic proportions. Obviously ‘The Rock’ as it came to be known, was top-secret. I was one of only a few who knew of its power, so I was put in charge of defending it against America’s enemies. ‘The Rock’ and I were transferred to Bloomington because, in the event of a nuclear apocalypse, B-town will likely be one of the last places destroyed.” “I’ve spent the last 41 years of my life working as a janitor here, secretly defending ‘The Rock.’ When the Cold War ended those government bastards lost interest in my project and me and sold ‘The Rock’ to Coach Hoeppner, not telling him its secrets. Coach saw my tattoo, liked it, and made a slogan out of it.” “I’ve tried many times to make the truth known, but you’re the only one who has ever cared enough to listen. I dedicated my life to defending ‘The Rock,’ but now my time is done. It’s up to you now, tell my story, tell the truth to the people.” With that Jedidiah smashed the whiskey bottle, closed his one eye, and took his last breath. Astonished at the tale I’d just heard I placed a copy of The Black Sheep over the man and raced home to write my article. There you have it. The true story of “The Rock” is known. The next time you’re sitting in the stands at a football game wondering why the hell there is a rock down on the field, remember Jedidiah and the life he spent defending that rock not just for you, but for the United States of America.
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