The Black Sheep
Fre for e...lik a b e be and co at min Sp g a rin gr g F oup es ie t!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 5 4/12/12 -5/2/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_ISU
Crime Alerts Never Sleep Sevin Ketze wrote this
“Looks like a storm's blowing in.” Frowning, the Cupcake King rose from his thin wax paper cushion and hopped toward the window for a closer look. As he gazed outward at the gathering clouds, his attention was suddenly caught by a mug of chocolate milk, humming and buzzing as it slid across the windowsill. The noise grew louder and louder into an unbearable cacophony. “What the fuuuuck,” he protested in his native pastry tongue, “that noise is so freaking annoying, and none of this makes any sen-” I opened my eyes and found myself gazing at my plain, peeling ceiling. The whole room glowed a dull blue. “Only a dream...”I mused aloud. The recent concussion had made me quite forgetful, but I could still tell the difference between reality and imagination. And yet, the noise lived on. BZZZZZZ BZZZZZZ BZZZZZ! Confused, I groped around my nightstand. At first, I found nothing but empty cans and soiled prophylactics. Finally, my fingers came to rest upon the source of the interruption, and suddenly I understood. I rolled over and sleepily perused the message. “PERSON WITH WEAPON, ISU EMERGENCY ALERT.” I sat up quickly, my eyes still fixed on the display. “Victim reports armed robbery at the south east end of the underpass at College and Main-” I didn't need to read further. I hurled my phone dramatically at the wall, and pulled my self-installed emergency lever. “EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY. EMERGENCY” The feminine voice was loud, but calm. I pressed my face against my VigilIntercom and spoke with urgency. “KYLE. KYLE, WE'RE NEEDED. ARE YOU THERE?” No reply. “KYLE” Nothing. “KYLE. KYLE.” Finally, a reply. “What...ahhh, dude, what...oh you've gotta be fucking...what time is it?” “It's time to be a hero, Kyle of Normal.” “Dude I don't think you get how lame it sounds when you call people by their name and town." “No time for semantics, Kyle of Normal! I need you to come over and help me get into my crime-fighting unitard.” “I'm not gonna dress you, dude.” “Kyle, I pay you a lot of money to help me out in emergencies like this. I have the Law merit badge and I can and will take you to court.”
Other stuff
Inside
“this is so st-” My sidekick had abandoned me when I needed him most. Now I know how Batman felt when Robin wouldn't help him into his BatUnitard. “He didn't wear a unitard, that's literally not a thing people wear, ever. And seriously, you're narrating your life out loud? You've gotta be the weirdest-” Kyle may be a betrayer and a coward, but his observation was keen nonetheless. I moved my thoughts back into the privacy of my own mind, and threw my closet doors open. The bright orange fabric seemed to jump right out at me, possibly because I activated the SpringLoaded Unitard Deployment System, or S.L.U.D.S. for short. The steel buckles clacked against my tensed pectorals, and the unitard fell to the ground in a heap. “Owwwwww, Christ on a cracker, that really, really hurt,” I groaned through clenched teeth.
“To whom it may concern,
I strode quickly to the bathroom to examine my injuries in my MegaMicroMirror. An oblong drop of crimson slowly traced its way around my sculpted abdominals. I gasped and grasped around myself frantically until finding one of my many wellplaced first aid kits. “Always keep a first aid kit within arm’s reach,” was rule #3 in the Ketze family rulebook. Thus, my small apartment was packed with no less than 60 “Nuclear aftermath” edition first aid kits. After tightly bandaging the wound with all the gauze wrap from five different kits, I booted up my computer, opened up Netscape Navigator and began composing an email.
Rip Out Your Wisdom Teeth
I recently purchased several sets of your steel unitard buckles, and was very disappointed when one of them sliced my chest wide open when I deployed the unitard with my S.L.U.D.S. System. I am quite tired and will pursue this matter further on the morrow, but you should know that I have the Law merit badge and I'm prepared to take you to court.” I minimized the draft and stumbled back to bed, satisfied. “What a well-executed attempt to swindle me, corporate evildoers,” I said sarcastically. “...NOT.” I shut my eyes, grabbed the reigns of my winged tortoise, and flew gracefully into the sunset.
The Top Ten
No Roommate? No Rules.
Grab your favorite pair of pliers and join the fun!
Things that everybody else is probably thinking in the same class.
It's not a real prank if nobody's crying!
see page 5
see page 11
see page 15