The Black Sheep
fou Free nd! ...lik ... O e t h w ha ait t do , it llar 's a bil poo l yo dol u lar .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 4 3/22/12 -4/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_ISU
free kony?! alright! Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
There’s no point in my day in which I am hungrier or more bored than my 11a.m. math class. I logged onto my Facebook in the middle of class the other day and all I saw were posts about “Invisible Children” and “Joseph Kony.” Now, I don’t know anything about all this Twilight and Harry Potter bibiddy-babble, so I just dismissed the first part as being a side effect of my only being friends with 15-year-old girls on Facebook. The second part caught my eye, though. I leaned over to the girl next to me - let’s call her Biggie McD-Cups—and asked about all these, “Konys,” curious as to whether or not there was some sort of delicious meat giveaway. She stared at me dumbfounded, “Surely you mustard of him by now,” McD said. She piqued not only my curiosity…but my hunger as well. If they’re letting you put free condiments on this Kony, this was certainly not something that I could let myself miss out on. “How do we get ‘Kony’?” I asked her, “Is it free?” “He’s free now, but we’re going to make him pay.” Shit. A limited time only offer. Now I understood why people were so excited about it. Thankfully, everyone posted statuses about it to keep me informed, otherwise I would have had to settle for eating at Southside again. “Free ‘Konys’ sound great,” I said, “Why would we want anyone to pay?” She called me a fascist pig and turned around. While I prefer all beef franks, I’ll still get excited by the idea of any meat at all, regardless of how it rules its people. With that lead dead, I turned to my other side to see if anyone else knew how I could get some free eats. “Hey, do you know what the deal with this ‘Kony’ thing is?” I asked. He responded by saying I needed to 'ketchup' with the times. “I don’t like ketchup,” I told him, “It just masks the great natural flavor of a Kony.” He called me a sicko and gave me a lecture about child soldiers
Other stuff
Inside
and some other not-tasty bullshit. “I don’t understand,” I pleaded, “There’s nothing not to love about a free ‘Kony’!” His eyes went bloodshot. He screamed about Invisible Children, and when I yelled back that Harry Potter sucks he just got even angrier. He screamed about liberation, slavery, rape and murder, but nothing about Harry Potter, ironically. Weird. I must need to watch the movies again, because I DEFINITELY missed out on the rape scene. Or maybe that part is only in the book…and man, screw reading. But anyway, I told him I just wanted some free food. He yelled that bad things had just recently
The Illinois State Student Diet
started happening in Africa and that watching a 30-minute YouTube video and liking a status made him into the activist that stood right before me. I cried, desperately telling him that I just wanted a free ‘Kony,’ while also desperately trying to find this activist he was talking about. He explained that Kony was a dictator, not a delicious variety of hot dog. He yelled, “I’m really going to relish this,” before he swung at me. I blacked out. I woke up in the forest five hours later, chewing on what little I hadn’t eaten off of his arm. Looks like I never got my free hot dog—or did I?
ISU’s Emerging Cliques
Friend-Zoned by Winter
How to survive off of eating your peers, or something like that.
last year you told me you would never leave!
Who you should plan on mocking in 2012.
see page 5
see page 7
see page 11