IL State - 3/1/12 - v02i03

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Volume 2, Issue 3 3/1/12 -3/20/12

ROAD TRIP! or, how I learned to stop worrying and drink more bombs sevin ketze wrote this

Day 1: School's out! Man, what an awesome start to break!

I kicked it off by having a HUGE book and notebook bonfire.

Never gonna need this shit again, right? I thought about selling them back, but I just would have gotten a few bucks for each one, and this was waaaay more satisfying. Gonna get fratty on Natty and pass out in my pool. PEACE. Day 2: If somebody had told me that this punk-ass school used semesters instead of quarters...god dammit. Whatever, man! I'm not gonna let that ruin my good time! I'm heading out tomorrow on a road trip with my buds Jonesy, Fratrick, Slood, Dude, Crazy Carl, and DJ DJ. Goin' to AmsterdaAaAaAaAm!!! I don't know if they have internet there, so this might be my last entry until I get back. Woooo!

Day 3: Okay, so I guess the bridge to Amsterdam doesn't actually, you know, exist. So, we either have to get there via boat like it's 1920, or take a plane, where they don't let you have a boom box or bottle rockets or ANYTHING cool. Shit. We decided to reroute to San Francisco instead, so we can spend our free time getting in fights with liberals and smashing their mailboxes with baseball bats. Screw taxes, man! That's my DAD's money to give to ME, not the GOVERNMENT! Day 4: Woke up next to some CHICK. Told her to get LOST. Stole some gift cards from her PURSE. Bought myself some new HEADPHONES. BEATS. Called that bitch UP. Told her I was sorry and I wanted to see her AGAIN. Hooked UP. Stole some more GIFT CARDS. Sold 'em to some guy for CASH. Kicked his ass and took them BOTH. Bought some more cool SHIT. Day 5: i ate pot brownie and i got really feel really -gas (best octane) -don't forget to get chocolate milk -chocolate milk -teddanson from cheers, dtf Day 6: My mom called today and said I had to come home because my aunt just died. I was like “What? Whaaat? I can't hear you, the reception is really CRRRRKKK bad CRRRRRK” and then I hung up. I'm not gonna bail on SB for some dead chick!

She wasn't even one of the ones that gave me birthday checks!

But she kept calling back so I had to turn my phone off. I tried to turn it on later, and she was still calling. I guess I'll have to leave it off for the whole break, like it's 1920 or something. Did

Other stuff

Inside

I make that joke already? Shit, whatever.

son of a man like THAT that something's “not gonna happen.”

Hell naw. I get what I GET.

Day 7: Gettin' the HELL outta Cali! This place is not at ALL like that show. Instead of a bunch of rich, hot, tan chicks, it's just a bunch of middle class, hot, tan chicks. Ugh. Anyway, we're gonna stop in Vegas and try to recreate the plot of The Hangover. Just the “getting really drunk and taking drugs” part though, none of the crazy antics or funny bullshit.

Day 8: Spent the night in jail. It was pretty baller. I met a couple of Russian prostitutes and a dude who could swallow his own tongue. I gave the cop $500 on my way out and told him to make sure this whole thing is forgotten about. Dumbass pig told me that wasn't gonna happen. Good one guy; my dad owns almost every P.F. Chang's in the tri-county area. You don't tell the

Fatty, Spicy, Awesome Stuff

Day 9: Spent all day driving. Man, this break ended on a really crappy note. First, we ran out of road beers in a dry county, so we had to drive sober like a bunch of Illini. Then, DJ DJ started having another one of his “seizures.” Nice try buddy, but we know you're just calling it a seizure to cover up your little spazzy temper tantrum. He thinks shitting himself is gonna make me buy it, but NOPE. Anyway, the icing on the cake: My MacBook Air ran out of hard drive space. So I had to get another one, and man, carrying around two is HEAVY. Well, I think that's it. So I-oh yeah, I forgot, Jonesy died on like the third day. We just thought he was still out partying, but, nope. Dead. Cool guy, but what can I say, that's what happens when you hold your booze like a lil' BITCH. Anyway, PEACE.

The Poor College Kid Spring Break

We Won’t Be Fooled Again

A Bachelor’s Guide to College Cooking

Lying is the poor person’s best friend.

Will Fool’s Fest really suck this year, or just kind of suck?

see page 4

see page 5

see page 7

02

Table of 04

PAGE 4>>

contents 10

From the Streets

What are you doing for spring break 2012?

PAGE 10 >>

Bartender of the Issue

page 11 >>

University Meme Pages Make Me Want to Kill Myself

Nerissa at Jessie’s Lounge has a thing for animated lions.

But tell us how you really feel.

12 11

page 11 >>

The Top Ten

Page 13 >>

The Black Sheep Interviews: Good Ole War

Ways to “Get Away” on Spring Break

WE have a good ole' chat with these philly indie rockers.

page three

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submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: A homer-centric point of view in which a fan of a sport team expects success in the face of obvious failure.

Even with a gutted far system, albatross contracts and a horrible outfield, Jennifer’s fantage point meant she thought the Cubs were destined for the World Series.

04

From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask?

FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What are you doing for spring break 2012?

“Running the streets naked with my beer helmet. Nothing special.”

- Matt V.

Fatty, Spicy, Awesome Stuff:

A Bachelor's Guide to College Cooking sevin ketze wrote this For your first couple of years at ISU getting food in your stomach is a snap. All you gotta do is stumble downstairs (or across College Avenue) to the dining center, and stuff yourself with as much pasta and fries as possible. Repeat three times a day. But once you get an apartment, shit gets complicated. You find yourself laying in bed, stomach a'rumblin’, wondering to yourself, “Nobody is making me food! What the hell do I do now?!” Well, you starve. Unless, that is, you get up, get to the store, buy some shit, and combine it to make even tastier shit. Check out these recipes and suggestions from my own personal diet.

Spicy Ramen: This is what I eat when I'm out of all my other food. It gives me a nice warning in the form of “hey, you really should go grocery shopping, because all you have left is this, and this isn't really food.” So here's what you do.

You take two bricks of ramen, and you cook it. Then, you add crushed red pepper. Then, you eat it. Then, you crap blood for a few days. Oh well! At least it's cheap!

seconds to make. Two slices of bread, one slice of cheese, and a liberal spread of butter. Eat it cold. That's important.

That's just the way it's done, son. But...I guess if you really, really want to eat it warm, you're perfectly welcome to go fuck yourself.

Microwave Dinners with Garlic Sauce: Ever had fondue?

Yeah, this is kiiiinda like that. Okay, first you're gonna wanna nuke 3 or so Banquet microwave dinners of your choice. While they're cooking, make the garlic sauce, which is comprised of half a stick of butter, and 1/3 tsp of minced garlic, and a bit of salt. Melt the butter, grab a fork, and dunk EVERYTHING from the microwave dinner into the sauce before eating. If the dinners you picked came with a brownie, that's an exception. Or not. Your call, champ. Oh yeah, I'm at half-mast just thinking about this one.

"substitute donuts for buns if you're feeling extra rad."

The SevinKetze Not-So-SecretAnymore Cheeseburger Recipe: This one actually requires a lot of stuff, but it pays off, because this is the tastiest goddamn burger ever. First, get one pound of halfwaydecent 73/27 ground beef for every burger you want to make. Mix the beef with healthy doses (maybe “healthy” is the wrong word, but you get the idea) of Weber Grill Burger Seasoning, ground cumin, Lea & Perrins worcestershire sauce, and an egg. Cook (preferably over charcoal, but a Foreman Grill will work) until medium rare, and add two slices of cheese, TONS of chopped onions, and drown it in ketchup. Eat the whole thing in one sitting. Substitute donuts for buns if you're feeling extra rad.

Bread Butter and Cheese Sandwich: A staple of my childhood, this sandwich's recipe is in the title. It takes 20

“I’m going to Alabama to find all of my children.”

- Ian H.

Eggo Waffles: I'm sure you've had these before... but you've probably never eaten them correctly.

Alright, first you're gonna need plenty of granulated sugar, some margarine (not for any lame-ass health reason, just because it's spreadable), and, uhhh, Eggo waffles. Toast them until they're warm, but still a bit soggy. Spread fake butter thick and even across them, and then throw sugar on top until all of the little waffle craters are packed solid. Roll into a tube and chow down.

Lard: So, you're looking to cut carbs out of your diet? Look no further! This miracle spread is 100% carbohydrate free, and is one of the few foods that actually gets healthier when you add butter.

McDonald's: Because sometimes, man, fuck cooking.

“You can call me Edward Cullen. I’m going to drink beers at the large hole- Grand Canyon- in AZ.” - Scott C.

05

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Poor College Kid Spring Break!

Mitch Vaginapun wrote this

If you’re like me, you’re in college. Seeing as you’re reading this, you’re likely in the actual physical realm of college, or at least know what a college is enough to walk several miles onto campus to get a copy of the best damn paper ever written.

And if you’re like me, you tell all of your friends that you’re poor and don’t have the money to repay them for those smokes bummed and rounds you drunkenly ordered on their behalf even though you’re paying several hundred dollars in frat dues and buying expensive clothes to impress girls. Man, being poor sucks. But just because you can’t afford to make spring break: Cancun a reality without having to accept your douchebag stepdad’s offer to pay for it for you while asking for nothing in return, I’ll show you how to have a fun spring break: poor kid style!

Tip #1: Tell everyone you’re going somewhere really cool before break starts.

The earlier you start talking about how awesome your break is going to be, the more people will believe you and think that you’re awesome. Hell, they’ll know that you’re more awesome. If you only talk about break for the next month, everyone will have to realize that you’re a better person than they are ever going to be because you’re going to the moon.

That’s right, the moon. Your stepdad happens to have a spaceship.

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Tip #2: Instead of going where you told everyone you were going to go, cat-sit for your grandma/crazy aunt. There no way you could afford going to the moon, so don’t even bother. Plus, I hear space went the way of your favorite club and is

pretty much all Russians now. If you cat-sit for a week, you’re probably going to make a fair amount of money—money that you can say you won gambling against aliens.

And when you get back you won’t be lying about how you were rolling in pussy all break.

Tip #3: Think of a bunch of reasons that your friends can’t come with you. Assuming again that you’re like me, you’ve made friends with all of the rich kids. Not only do they have money, but also they almost always smell nice. Even though you’re going somewhere far away and obscure like the moon, your rich friends will want to come too. “My dad has condos on the moon,” they’ll say, “We can swing by one and beat peasants in zero gravity, I had special switches made just for it.”

Claim you already booked your spaceship and got the last seat. Say that the moon is at capacity. Tell them you’ll stab them if they follow you. Just any reason to make them know not to meet you at the moon.

Tip #4: Bring back souvenirs. People won’t believe that you went somewhere awesome like the moon if you don’t bring them back souvenirs. Just buy a bunch of cheese when break starts and let it get all moldy. Tell them it’s moon rocks or something. Just make sure you don’t let the cats eat any of it.

While all your loser rich friends are basking in the South Padre sun, you don’t have to be the recipient of their “wish you were here, sike!” e-postcards. Just make sure your lie is believable, there’s no McDonald’s on the moon.

@BlackSheep_ISU Big event announcements coming soon! Follow us to find out!

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Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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SHOUT OUTS! Nicky! I really hope you’re okay after the cop kicked down the door you were standing behind...

Neal! One day you’ll break into the bowling alley when its closed and have all the bowling you want, but until then, good luck.

Dear Nick, this is Abe. Can you please leave ISU? Word to the drunks out there, leave the bouncer alone. We don't want to talk to you. Regards, Gavin Cara, Irregardless is not a real word.

Dear Ryan, this is Nicholas. No means NO. Mike!!! Really really sorry about those brand new kicks! I didn’t know that it was a bucket of paint!

Dear Matt, just incase you forgot, its hunting season Kelly, I really hope you one day choose to sit next to me in class. Its not you but your friends on your facebook that I find to be attractive.

Dear Occupy Blono peeps, I didn’t know that staying on the bridge “for as long as it took” only meant two months.

Hey Ginger DJ Kid, having two speakers and a laptop doesn’t make you Skrillex, but you played Jump On It, so I still love you Dear Al Bowman, thank you for giving us a spring break that isn’t in February.

Hey Nick, hope you had fun last night.

Love, Stress Ball.

Dear My Dog/Any Future Girlfriends, it is not enjoyable when you bite my genitals.

Please take note of this and avoid doing it.

Many try to copy Fat Jacks Draft Selection, all have Failed!

SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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we won't be fooled again issac wrote this “Hey guy reading this paper, knock knock.”

(Say “who’s there?” out loud so everyone hears you).

“Howie” (Say “Howie who?” out loud so that everyone that’s around you and sees that you’re reading The Black Sheep hears you).

“Howie gonna top last years AMAZING Fool’s Fest? With yet another year of awesomess!”

You’re probably asking yourself, “But what if I don’t drink?”

Okay, well Fool’s Fest is the day where everyone drinks. You don’t want to be excluded, do you? No, of course not, Mr. SoonTo-Be-Cool-Kid. So drink. Another concern you might have is, “but the weekend is for studying!” I don’t know about you, but whenever I’ve “acted a fool” it never involved studying. We all know that Fool’s Fest will be the defining moment in Illinois State’s history, and you’ll be studying it in your history classes for years to come!

Now we all remember how incredibly awesome Fool’s Fest was last year. (Play along so the freshmen reading this think it’s true.) There were naked girls just sprawled on the streets of Normal, guys throwing up in the Normal Public Library, Solo Cups splayed out on the quad covering every inch of sidewalk, literally “Spreading the Red.” Yeah, it was the shit. So how the hell are we gonna make this years Fool’s Fest even better? I’ll tell you how. We’re gonna have even more beer!

So why is Fool’s Fest better than U of I's Unofficial? Well, the guy-to-girl ratio is much higher. I mean, what kind of girl wants to hook up with an engineer? (Unless he drives a big train. AY OH!) Not a very attractive one, that’s for sure. And furthermore, what’s the U of I mascot? Who cares, we got Reggie the Redbird.

He’s a real party animal because he matches the red solo cups.

Plus it’s more fun to just hang out with your friends from school rather than going to some lousy engineering party where the most fun thing to do there is design bridge architecture.

Okay, so in all honesty last year’s Fool’s Fest sucked. Why, you ask? ‘Cause people were afraid of getting “arrested.” Dude, no way, getting arrested is awesome. You get to go into a jail cell and talk to some guy named bubba who has a lot of interesting life stories and seems awfully affectionate. I don’t see what you’re afraid of. Cuddling IS AWESOME. And cops won’t even be here in April. It’s…uh…their break month. So don’t even worry about it. Fool’s Fest is gonna be the shit.

So what can you specifically do to make Fool’s Fest the best day of your life? Go out and have a good time, get arrested, and make an ass out of yourself. After last year’s rager of a party how could this year’s Fool’s Fest be any worse? Kids are gonna go out to drink regardless, you just gotta show up in your jester hat and nothing else (which head wears the hat is up to you).

It’s a conversation starter! Assuming you can find someone else celebrating Fool’s Fest.

DAILY SPECIALS SUNDAY

$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE FREE Jukebox & Bags

THURSDAY .75 CENT WELL DRINKS $2 Any Bomb / $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS DJ VAMPS @ 10PM

FRIDAY

$3 16oz VODKA/ENERGY & WELLS $3 ANY BOMB / $3 MILLER/COORS BOTTLES & PINTS | DJ @ 10pm

SATURDAY

$3 16oz WELLS / $3 ANY BOMB $3 BUD FAMILY BOTTLES & PINTS DJ @ 10pm

Your Home for St. Patrick’s Day!

LIVE M U THE SHSIC WITH A FROM NTYS 4-7

MONDAY

$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE

TUESDAY

$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE Live Music with Kyle Yap 10-1am

WEDNESDAY

$2 “ANY” BEER $3 “ANY” BOOZE Karaoke / DJ 10-1am

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Spicy Sunday 2 Classic Zones + Danger Stix for $15

TUESDAY: $2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Live Music with Kyle Yap at 10pm

FRIDAYS & SATURDAYS: $3 Pitchers, $3 Bombs $6 32oz Well Drinks

THURS

$1 Wells & UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles $2.50 20oz. 312 & Honkers Drafts

Throwback Thursday $1 U-Call-Its No Cover

NO COVER THURSDAYS (w/student ID) EVERY Pitcher, Drink, or Shot is only $2 DJ Brainstorm

Thursday Tots 2 Classic Zones & Box o' Tots for $15

$0.75 Well Drinks $2 Any Bomb $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Long Island Iced Teas DJ Vamp at 10pm

$2 Bud Light or Budweiser Boilermakers (beer with a well shot)

FRI

$1.50 20oz Bud Family Drafts $3 Pitchers $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$3 Stoli Mixers $3 Absolut Mixers $3 Blue Island Shots

LIVE MUSIC FRIDAY! 3/2: DJ D1RTY No1SE* 3/9: The Randy's 3/16: Plain Jane $6 32oz Well Drinks $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys *no cover w/ student i.d.

Hot 'N Reggie (Reggie or BBQ Chix) Half-Zones Ready-to-Eat Just $3.19 After Midnight Only!

$3 16oz Vodka/Energy & Wells $3 ANY Bomb $3 Miller/Coors Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10

$3 Pitchers, $3 Bombs $6 32oz Well Drinks

SAT

$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$3 Grey Goose Red Bulls $3 Jack & Coke $3 Gummy Bears

Live Music Saturday 3/3: Hairbangers Ball 3/10: Brushfire 3/17: Saints of Saturday (St. Patty's Day Bash) $4 Pitchers of Miller Lt. & Coors Lt. $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys

Hot 'N Reggie (Reggie or BBQ Chix) Half-Zones Ready-to-Eat Just $3.19 After Midnight Only!

$3 16oz Wells $3 ANY Bombs $3 Bud Family Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10

$3 Pitchers, $3 Bombs $6 32oz Well Drinks

SUN

$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Bloody Marys $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

Check out Throwback Thursdays!

No cover!

Spicy Sunday 2 Classic Zones + Danger Stix for $15

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze FREE Jukebox & Bags

$4 Pitchers

MON

$1.75 20oz. Bud Family Drafts $1.50 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Beam, SoCo, and Seagram 7 Drinks

No Cover for Throwback Thursday w/ Student ID $1 Drinks

Check out our website for updated events and specials! daddiosbloomington.com

Monday Munchies 3 Free Cookies w/ Purchase of 2 Classic Zones

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze

$4 Pitchers $2 Bombs

$2 Imports and Micros $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2 20oz Bud Family Drafts

Throwback Thursdays $1 U-Call-Its

Every Friday: $6 32oz Well Drinks $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys

Stix It Tuesday Free Cheese Stix w/ Purchase of 2 Classic Zones

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Every Tuesday Kyle Yap @ 10pm

$2 Bud Family Bottles Bud, Bud Light, Bud Select

$1 Domestic Longnecks $3 Vegas Bombs

Throwback Thursday w/ DJs D1RTY NO1ZE $1 Drinks $1 Beers $1 Shots

Every Saturday: $4 Pitchers of Miller Lite & Coors Light $2 PBR, Keystone, and Icehouse Tallboys

5-5-5 Wednesday 3 Classic Zones for $15

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Every Wednesday DJ Karaoke

$2.75 25oz Domestic Drafts

WED

FRIDAY: $1.50 20oz Bud Family Drafts $3 Pitchers $2.50 Vegas Bombs

TUES

The Bar Grid SATURDAY: $3 Grey Goose Red Bulls $3 Jack & Coke $3 Gummy Bears

Live Music Every Friday & Saturday!

For private parties contact

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Bar Specials | Articles | Party Pics Lunker's Spend St. Patty's at Fat Jacks! $3 Green Bud Lt. Drafts $3 Bushmills $3 Jameson Drinks Open at Noon!

1,2,3 THURSDAY $1.00 Well Drinks $2.00 Domestic Bottles $3.00 Draught Pints

FRIDAY: Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover! $4 40oz. Bottles of Bud Lt. and Miller Lt. $3 Car Bombs No Cover!

The Bar Grid

SATURDAY: $4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm

SATURDAY: $2.75 Coronas $6 Mason Jar Vodka Lemonades $6 Mason Jar Rum and Cokes

FRIDAY: $3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2.50 Leinenkugel Pints $2 PBR Bottles Open Mic @ 10pm

$2 Bud Light and Miller Lite Bottles $2 Well Shots and Drinks $6 Mason Jar Vodka Red Bulls

$2.25 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

THURSDAY

FAT FRIDAY $2.75 Fat Jack Cocktails $2.75 All Vodka Flavored Mixed Drinks $2.75 Jim Beam drinks $2.75 Heineken & Heineken Light DJ Brainstorm at 11pm

Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts

$6 Long Islands

$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

FRIDAY

STORMY SATURDAY $2.75 Bacardi Hurricanes and Tsunamis $2.75 All Bacardi Flavored Mixed Drinks $2.75 Coors Light Bottles DJ Chad at 11pm

$3 Pints of Spiced Rum Drinks $3 Corona and Corona Lt. Bottles No Cover!

$4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm

$2.75 Coronas $6 Mason Jar Vodka Lemonades $6 Mason Jar Rum and Cokes

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

SATURDAY

Closed

Closed

$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

SUNDAY

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

$9 Domestic Buckets (5 Bottles)

$3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs

MONDAY

TAPPER TUESDAY $2.75 All Draught Beers

$3.50 Car Bombs $3 32oz Drafts of Bud Lt./Miller Lt. $3 16oz Wells $2 Vegas Bombs No Cover!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

TUESDAY

2,2,3 WEDNESDAY $3.00 Bombs (w/ Real Redbull) $2.00 10oz.

Draught Beers $2.00 Well Drinks

$2 You Call Its No Cover!

$2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm

$5 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

WEDNESDAY

SUNDAY FUNDAY All of our $2.75 Specials are on special today!!!

MALIBU MONDAY $2.75 Malibu Mixed Drinks $2.75 Captain Morgan Drinks $2.75 12oz. Microbrew and Import Bottles

Closed

No cover ever!

Closed

No cover ever!

10

Bartender

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Issue Theme song of your life: “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO (this girl is all about smiles and shufflin’) Porn name: The Macchiato Slam What liquor makes you frisky: Tequila makes me frisky and vodka makes me want to fight.

What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? Mufasa, from the Lion King.

Nerissa Buchanan Jessie's lounge

What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job? Any man that says “Aye baybay, can I get cho number?” after five seconds.

What’s the worst thing you’ve seen on the job? The worst thing was a very bloody bar brawl between boyfriends and

drinking game:

party twister

There’s no better feeling than destroying the innocence of your childhood with massive amounts of alcohol. Next to the Arthur drinking game, Drunk Twister is the best way to do it. Grab a few friends, a couple hundred dollars worth of liquor and beer, and you’ve got yourself a night you’ll never remember.

What You’ll Need: Twister mat and spinner, hard alcohol, beer, and 24 shot glasses.

Number of Players: Two or more people, preferably hot and naked girls.

Level of Intoxication: Pretty high, even worse if you’re an uncoordinated fuck.

How to Play: - Set up the game mat: place a shot of beer on each blue and green circle and a shot of your choice of hard alcohol on each red and yellow circle.

- One person takes control of the spinner. He or she must take a shot of beer every time the spinner lands on blue or green. If the pointer lands on the line, the spinner has to chug a beer for spinning like a dumbass.

- For each turn, the player who is up moves his or her body part to the color that is called out by the spinner. Before securing their position, the player must finish the shot in the circle.

- Once a shot glass has been taken off a circle, that spot can no longer be used for another turn.

- If at any time a player falls over on to the mat, he or she must chug a beer for every fallen shot glass.

The Game Ends When: There are no more shot glasses on the mat or the naked girls have just turned it in to a giant orgy.

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their girlfriends. Blood covered the floor from the back to the front of the bar.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis, so I could make things happen!

What’s one thing you never want your dad to know about you? That I stole his Chevy Caprice Classic when I was 15 and went joy-riding in the coun-tray.

Favorite song to karaoke: I love to karaoke“Fever” by Nancy Smith.

What is your catch phrase? Fake it ‘till you make it!

Drink you make best: A Manhattan. It’s made with bourbon, sweet vermouth, bitters and a cherry.

recipe for disaster:

irish bananas St. Patty's Day is right around the corner, and as much as we all love Dr. Seuss, the joke is overdone. Don’t be the schmuck trying to impress people with your green eggs and ham. Green eggs and ham are out, Irish Bananas are in!

What You’ll Need: Butter, brown sugar, Irish whiskey, bananas, vanilla ice cream.

Cook Time: 15 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Don’t let the bananas fool you; there is absolutely no nutritional benefit to these babies.

Let’s Get Baked: - Melt butter in a skillet.

- Stir in brown sugar and whiskey until the whiskey reduces and turns syrupy.

- Add bananas to the skillet and simmer until bananas are glazed with the syrup.

- Serve immediately with a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

- It’s just that simple.

Drunk people everywhere will flock to your party when they hear you are making this alcoholic delicacy, so be sure to make enough for all the friends you’ll meet when you’re drunk but never talk to again. They’re the best!

THe top ten

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Ways To “Get Away” On Spring Break 10) Go On An “After Hours” Jog: Nothing says, “Hey, I should probably exercise at some point this week in order to burn off all of the calories I’m drinking because that’s the logical thing to do” quite like a jog at 1 a.m.

And the best part is that you don’t know the area during the daylight, so at night nobody knows where you’re going!

9) Forget Your Toothbrush: No man, it’s totally awkward and weird to share your buddy’s toothbrush. Oh, and for “da ladiez,” it’s not cute at all when you share your friend’s toothbrush. So anyways, here’s how it should go down: “Aw shoot Brad! I forgot my toothbrush and don’t wanna ruin your vacay and use yours so I’m gonna go out and find a Walgreens in this foreign country!” Spoiler alert! Your decapitated head won’t be able to brush its own teeth!

University Meme Pages Make Me Want to Kill Myself mitch vaginapun wrote this I used to be proud to attend this university. Truly, genuinely proud. Whenever someone would say, “Ha, you go to ISU, you must be dumb,” I’d always respond, “Hey, fuck you, that’s not what your mom said last night,” because I cared about this school, and you don’t even want to know what your mom was really saying. But now? I mean, Jesus, look at what you’ve done to her. She was a classy girl. She’d never give it up on the first three dates unless you bought her something real fancy, but now she’s throwing it in the face of everyone she’s even heard of. You know what you did to her. You know what you did to create this monster. You created the Illinois State University meme page.

is supposed to do good guy things. You don’t have him do some pointless action and then have the text be, “dies.” He’s not College Freshman. He never will be. He entered as a sophomore because he’s a good guy. But you wouldn’t know that, would you everyone who posts on the ISU meme page. You’re the Scumbaggiest of the Scumbag Steves. You make me hate life.

I know it’s not just you. I know all of the “cool” universities were doing it too. When this trend first started, I thought ISU would be above it all. “There’s reddit. com/r/ilstu,” I thought. “People post their ISU memes there already, they’ll just keep putting them all there, where they belong. Everything will be great and I won’t want to kill myself.”

What a fool I was. Not only did you bastards cave, but you are some of the worst offenders I’ve ever seen. Earlier today I saw a Success Kid post. I thought, this possibly couldn’t go wrong. Success Kid is the easiest one.” The text read, “Can’t have sex on a lofted bed? Challenge accepted.”

ADORABLE LITTLE KIDS DON’T CHALLENGE YOU. POORLY DRAWN STICK FIGURES DO, YOU BITCH. THE INTERNET WAS A GREAT PLACE. EVERYONE WAS HAPPY AND THERE WERE BOOBS. BUT YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

"that's not even what a meme is! those are image macros! why are you doing this to me?"

I know what you’re thinking. “What’s so bad with the meme page? The jokes are funny because… stuff.” No. Just… just no, okay? You don’t understand memes, you just throw text at a .jpeg and call it funny. That’s not even what a meme is! Those are image macros! Why are you doing this to me? I cleaned up my act, I started acting good for you pa, you just wouldn’t stop hitting her. The school, that is. It’s a metaphor, not a suppressed memory resurfacing.

You are so bad at memes that sometimes, I start to forget that a lot of the posts are just trolling and not even trying to be actual macros. God, you don’t even know what that means, do you? Why do I even bother with luxuries such as coherent thought and breathing in a world so damned? There are rules to the internets.

Specific, set rules so that the tubes don’t clog with bullshit, and you’ve broken those rules. Good Guy Greg

There’s no point in even living anymore… But, on the otherhand, there are still boobs. Hmm..I’ll be, uh, writing some more articles in my room. Don’t interrupt my “creative process.”

8) Go Speed Dating: There’s nothing quite like speed dating with a bunch of people that speak a different language than you speak. Oh, what’s that? You’ve never done that? Well shit, Mexico is the perfect place to try it out!

Tu no habla amor?

7) Eat At That Shady Looking Mexican Restaurant: C’mon man, Jamaica is totally famous for having incredible Mexican food! I know the place looks empty, only half the lights are on, the front door is missing and there’s a strange man standing in the window with a butcher knife—but he’s probably just cutting the meat for the FRESH TACOS we’re about to have! But hey, if you wake up in a Saw movie the next morning butt naked, no pointing fingers at me!

6) Get In The Strange Van Labeled “Taxi”: You know something? You probably shouldn’t judge foreigners for their inability to afford a real taxi sign. That’s probably why he had to use black spray paint on his van. And plus dude, the van was probably cheaper than an actual taxicab, so that’s why you can’t see in it. I bet it’s got some killer couches in there and free champagne. It certainly won’t hurt to find out!

5) Swim With The Dolphins: This one is pretty damn simple. Go to the ocean (assuming that you have an ocean at your spring break destination, because who goes to spring break without a sick ocean view?) and look for the dolphins. Unless you have incredible eyesight, you’re probably going to need binoculars. Spot the dolphins, and start your swimming. And never stop.

4) Lose Your Shorts In A Hot Tub: So, you’re chilling in the hot tub with all “da ladiez” and they’re all like, “Oh, hey sorry one minute, we’ll be right back!” and they totes disappear. But then, you notice that your shorts just happened to disappear while you’re laxin’ and you don’t wanna get up without anybody seeing you. So, you do the smart thing and wait til those hot girls come back, even if it takes years for them to return.

3) Find “The Situation”: Super simple. You know the guy from Jersey Shore? Find him. He’s bound to be at every spring break destination year-round. Tell him your name and he’ll be so into you because you’re simply talking to him. Just follow him back to his place. It’ll be cool, trust me.

2) Get A Fake I.D.: No, I’m not talking about getting one to get into bars. Reinvent yourself. Change your name to Will Smith. Become an obese Turkish man while your in PCB, who’s gonna stop you? No one.

1) Jump Out Of The Plane: Just do it. Parachute or not, it’s up to you, bro. Where you’ll land, nobody will know!

Will Holloman wrote this

the media stereotypes you meet

on spring break! the the chelsea handler ted mosby He’s been your best friend since Jeremy Daniel gave you simultaneous wedgies in the fifth grade. You dormed together freshman year, but when you rushed he decided to chat with his three-statesaway girlfriend over Skype.

It wasn’t until his junior year that he discovered she was cheating on him. Though you rarely talk these days, you decided to invite him on spring break. Now you’re in club dancing with hawt womenz as he shoots you “please come end my boredom” daggers from across the room.

You let your slam-dunk slam piece go and mosey his way.

“Dude, there’s hundreds of sluts here for you to bone,” you mutter. “I don’t want to talk to any of them,” he downtroddenly claims. You give him a half dozen “How ‘bout her?” options, but it’s always, “Too fat,” “Too skinny,” “Weird freckle,” “Missing a leg.” You’re regretting that invite, as you hate him almost as much as he hates himself.

Before leaving for spring break she excitedly shows you a shirt she bought for the vacation. You frown as she unfurls it, so she feels the need to explain, “It says ‘The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else’! Get it?! Plus, it’s white, which will be absolutely perfect for a wet t-shirt contest.” Yes, she’s an attention whore, but that doesn’t take away from her more normal whoreish qualities. As you roll into Panama City Beach, she demands the group stops at Wal-Mart before checking into the hotel because she wants to do a vodka shot minutes after the gang gets into the room. Over break she’ll claim to invent the “tan nap,” which is really just an excuse for her to pass out next to the pool. This is fine, she needs all the rest she can get, what with the stop-start self-esteem sex she has with a different, flaccid, barely-conscious dude in your bathroom each night.

the annie walker She sidles up next to you at the bar and within minutes you’re smitten. She’s cute and she’s sucking back shots faster than the bartender can pour them. The two of you trade adorably awkward glances because, hey, you’re both the shy type. Finally serendipity strikes when you both turn to each other and say, “Hi, I’m--,” bursting out in laughter an instant later. The glimmer in her eye and the stirring in your swim trunks both indicate things are going well until she says something goofy. Shit hits the fan. The conversation’s momentum dies and the glimmer in her eye turns into a glassy shell that does little more than hold in orbs that are just waiting to bulge out of her head. She’s stumbling over her words, stumbling to the bathroom and she tumbles to the ground just as she covers it in a thin puddle of puke. Feel free to give yourself a mental high-five, acting like an ass is what those low self-esteem hotties do.

It’s unlikely that you’ll meet a fictional character on spring break, unless you have some really, really good ‘shrooms.

Still, you’ll certainly meet someone that’ll remind you of that one guy you saw in a movie that one time. Like these folks!

By: Brendan

the van wilder You’ll spot the Van Wilder from a few dozen yards away. His hot, oiled body glistening in the sun, his perfectlycoiffed hair reaching for the sky as though even his keratin is surrendering to his sparkling blue eyes just a few inches south. Guy or girl, your knees quiver in anticipation as you pray he talks to you. He asks, “Hey, need a beer?” as you rush to tumble a sloppy “Yes!” out of your mouth. He murmurs, “Alright man, give me twenty bucks and I’ll be back with a case in a few.” What?

You begin to catch on. Those flip-flops look like they cost several hundred dollars, and his board shorts look to be a brand you can barely pronounce. This guy’s gotta be north of thirty. What kind of grown-up douchebag still celebrates spring break?

the taco macarthur the Leslie Knope You open your eyes, roll over and look at the bedside clock. It’s 10:15 a.m. Four hours of sleep? Jesus. You will yourself out of bed because there’s only two days of break left and much tanning left to do. You angrily stumble into the bathroom only to realize she did it again. Taped to your mirror is the day’s itinerary: 10:30 a.m. mani-pedi followed by a 11:15a.m.-1:30p.m. spa session? Doesn’t she know that you just want to eat a stale bagel from the continental breakfast, slam a beer and hit the beach? She’s everything you love in a person: Organized, driven, adventurous and loyal, but she can’t get the notion that you just want to sit around drinking beer on the beach through her very pretty skull. You hear her rustling around in the living room, so you decide to hide in the closet until it’s 10:35. You’d chip your manicure cracking open beers anyway.

You’re barely out of the state before you have to scream at him for casually lighting up a spliff in your back seat without asking. He barely utters a word during the entire 18-hour journey, tossing in a “Yeah, cool, whatever.” when you periodically ask him if he’s still alive. You exit your condo’s bathroom only to discover a text message claiming he’s gone down to the beach to smoke an apple bong with some girl he met in the elevator. Every night you stumble home from the club frustrated that you’re still not getting laid, and every night you walk into the room and he’s there with a half dozen girls he met on the beach. The rational part of you wants to hate him for succeeding with minimal effort when you fail while trying so very, very hard. Your penis loves him though, because hey, tits.

the music page the black sheep interviews:

Good Old War

Usually wars divide, but Philly indie group Good Old War actually spawned from another band’s split. With new album Come Back as Rain due out March 6th the band is embarking on a nationwide tour to support the release. We sat down with drummer Tim Arnold to talk about music, touring and sandwiches.

The Black Sheep: In a couple weeks your new album Come Back as Rain drops. Can you talk about how you guys go about creating an album?

Tim Arnold: Usually Keith and Dan bring some ideas to the table, we’ll listen to them and we’ll decide what we’re going to do. I’ll lay down a drum beat, we’ll get some harmonies and we’ll have a song. For Come Back as Rain I wrote a little more, and we broke each stage of the music down together. We wanted to really get our mitts on everything.

TBS: You mentioned you participated more on the writing of this album. Was that a personal decision? Were you asked to write more?

Tim: It was a natural thing. There was no pressure, Keith and I would get together and I would have ideas for parts.

TBS: With three different people giving artistic input how do you make sure a tune stays within the larger theme your music has?

Tim: Well, here’s an example: There were a couple of songs on this new album that started out as electronic beats with a good melody. They were a little dark, but after everyone in the band goes through them and does their thing, the end result is a Good Old War song.

cd review

out now

fun. some nights The latest from former Format front man is inevitably very fun.

For those who are completely out of the loop, fun. is the byproduct of Nate Ruess’ genius. Having been the lead singer for The Format, a band who exemplifies the sound of indie pop in the early 2000s (surely you remember it all— Relient K, Jack’s Mannequin, Death Cab, etc.), but they unfortunately broke up in 2008 after releasing two great albums. Lucky for us, Ruess got the hell out of Arizona and into New York City, forming his now successful group fun. with Andrew Dost of Anathallo and Jack Antonoff of Steel Train. And my, how they have blown up!

Gaining attention after having one of their songs featured in a Chevy commercial that originally aired during this year’s Super Bowl, their sophomore release Some Nights might finally catapult them into mainstream success.

The thing about fun. is that you’ve got to appreciate and possibly learn to love Ruess’ theatrical voice and sound— so, understandably not for everybody. Having been compared to voices like Freddie Mercury, fun.’s sound is amusingly similar to a circus; it’s over the top, loud, entertaining, and upbeat even when the lyrics are not.

The album starts off inspired and leads into the aforementioned Super Bowl-featured tune, “We Are Young.”

Though the song is good with the inevitably catchy, chanting chorus that’ll make anyone stop and listen, it’s by far not the only track worth noting. The album continues on with surprising auto-tune (“Stars,” a great song… but seriously with auto-tune), brief moments of strange

GRADE B+

electronic (“It Gets Better”) and gospel like intensity (at least a few moments in almost every song). Though there is a similarity in all of the songs, each track has its own unique sound that leaves the album interesting rather than predictable.

Though fun. is different than The Format, their sounds are not entirely too far off due to Ruess’s unique voice and once in awhile the former bands’ sounds can’t help but come out. “All Alright” is definitely reminiscent of his former band—deep, passionate sounds that Format fans love and remember, and of course the depressing lyrics that no one wants to admit being able to relate to, but true nonetheless. Fun. overall is much, much more upbeat than The Format and it’s wonderful to see Ruess’ second project not fall flat on his face like it could have.

So, the sophomore curse? Please – Ruess’ sophomore release with his sophomore band is just as good as ever.

It’s amazing to see a talented artist have produced great music with his former band, change as people naturally do and follow his heart in a new direction, and continue to produce new, quality music. Well done, Ruess; we look forward to continue growing up with you.

Sounds Like: A mainstream circus.

Download: All Alright, Why Am I The One, We Are Young Listen to it When: Your spring break road trip, of course.

TBS: When you’re writing for an album where do you get your subject matter?

Tim: For the most part it’s just personal experiences and writing what you know.

Sometime we’ll have a little fun and make up some stories, but mostly it’s family, girls, stuff like that.

TBS: You’re from Philadelphia and Come Back as Rain was recorded in Omaha, Nebraska. Why? Tim: We want to be a place with no distractions. If we recorded in Philly there’d be wives and babies and friends to take care of.

TBS: You guys are gearing up for a two-month long tour. What kind of preparation goes into making sure you’re mentally and physically sound for it?

Tim: I feel like it’s mostly rehearsing. By the end of the tour you’re tight from playing all the time, but at the beginning it can be dodgy. There’s not a whole lot of physical preparation or anything, I feel pretty natural on the road.

TBS: You guys have played really huge shows like Coachella and tiny shows; do you prefer one or the other?

Tim: I just prefer people there singing along. If there’s a few people singing in a small venue, it’s way better than a huge venue where no one gives a shit. Coachella was amazing, though we played at 11:30a.m.

TBS: Is 11:30a.m. the earliest show you’ve ever played?

Tim: No, we’ve played really early morning shows.

TBS: TV gigs like Good Morning Philadelphia?

Tim: Yeah, exactly. When we played that, we were on at like, 7a.m. It was horrible.

TBS: For anyone who hasn’t seen a live show of Good Old War before, how would you describe one to them?

Tim: I feel like it’s a campfire with friends where you play songs together and sing along like friends.

TBS: If your music was most analogous to a movie, what would it be?

Tim: Badlands TBS: Describe to me your perfect sandwich.

Tim: A bed of lettuce, mustard, turkey, pepper jack cheese on some toasted rye bread.

TBS: What are you drinking?

Tim: Budweiser and Jack Daniels.

UPCOMING RELEASES Bruce Springsteen - Wrecking Ball Todd Snider - Agnostic Hymns & Stoner Fables

Andrew Bird - Break it Yourself

Fireflight - Now

Magnetic Fields - Love at the Bottom of the Sea Kaiser Cheifs - Start the Revolution Without Me

Good Old War - Come Back as Rain White Rabbits - Milk Famous

test your knowledge

Yoga Position or Sex Position?

Are you a dog just looking for a quick bone no matter the cost, or are you a yoga guru who’ll bend over backwards for a glimpse of physical and mental enlightenment? Maybe you’re a bendy bang baron who wants the best of both worlds. Without having to pick someone up at the bar, being able to identify which of the titles below are sex positions and which are yoga positions is the best way to find out where you fall on the stretchy sex spectrum.By: Brendan

1. Basset Hound 2. Half Moon 3. Bound Angle 4. Brute 5. Foot Behind Head 6. Cow Face 7. Bent Spoon 8. Full Boat 9. Royal Pigeon 10. Final Furlong answer key: 1. Sex 2. Yoga 3. Yoga 4. Sex 5. Yoga 6. Yoga 7. Sex 8. Yoga 9. Yoga 10. Sex

11. Yoga 12. Sex 13. Sex 14. Yoga 15. Yoga 16. Yoga 17. Sex 18. Sex 19. Yoga 20. Sex

11. Corpse Pose 12. Golden Gate 13. Viennese Oyster 14. Upside-Down Tortoise 15. Corn Tree 16. Downward Facing Dog 17. Suspended Congress 18. Amazon Reverse 19. Four-Limbed Staff 20. See-Saw

results 0-6 Correct: Stiff and Sexless You’d bend over backward for some sweet sack time, but your joints don’t quite move that way.

The one time you got laid last Halloween you pulled a hammy a minute into missionary, but it was still the highlight of your year.

7-13 Correct: Bendy but Boring You touch your toes during warmups, but even then you find it an improper display of your sexuality.

You’d loosen up a little more— both physically and mentally—but you’re pretty sure there’s some passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t.

14-20 Correct: The Flexible Fornicator “Freaky” doesn’t begin to describe the ways you loosen up or go down. Your life motto would be, “A leg behind the head means a freak in the bed,” you know, if people actually said that.

class tim e

the crossword: beers

3

Down A red can and an iron eagle may make you think this is a commie beer. It's Mexican, actually.

2 A weird animal hybrid's dome.

(2 Words) 3 We're unsure of who was Advertising? judging this competition. (3 ads@theblacksheeponline.com Words) 5 Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, 608.712.0900 but they'll sell it. (2 Words) 8 Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 Words) 9 Texas has steers, queers and this brew. (2 Words) Drifter's Pub Maggie Mileys Midtown Liquors one of 10 The bottle doesn't remind Graphic Flesh Mother Murphey's The Bone this tall, Western mountain Lunker's Medici Movie Fan Red Bird Pizza range.Artkore (2 Tattoos Words) Neon Rays 1

Meet The Staff!

campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?

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Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

DOWN: 1) A red can an iron eagle may make you think this is a commie beer. It’s Mexican, actually.

2) A weird animal hybrid’s dome. (2 words) 3) We’re unsure of who was judging this competition. (3 words) 5) Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, but they’ll sell it. (2 words) 8) Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 words) 9) Texas has steers, queers and this brew. (2 words) 10) The bottle doesn’t remind one of this tall, Western mountain range. (2 words)

class tim e

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5

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N E I C O 7 G O R S L I G H T

15

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13

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12

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11

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14) St. Louis isn’t worthless after all.

15) If you worship a Mexican sun god, you’ll lose yours.

16) Come for the ivy, black out with this brew. (2 words) 17) A Canadian beer the color of a singular sad music genre. (2 words) 18) It doesn’t matter how special it is, take it off for the national anthem. (2 words)

T D 4 K E Y S T O C G A F T I E S 9 S H H H 12 M I L L E N A E D R 14 B U D W O 16 C O K

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P 6 E F A T T I R E B 8 O S E I S L A N D T E B G L R 10 11 S U C O R O N A H L I F E M 13 E R M O L S O N R I D R B E R A B L 15 N O S O L Y L E N V A B A T T B L U E D C H A T

7

across: 4) The big brother of the blue bullet that comes in a case of 30. (2 words) 5) A bike wheel that’s like your girlfriend’s ass. (2 words) 7) How could such a delightful beer by named for such a crappy bird? (2 words) 11) A crown of shit is still a crown.

Served with lime.

12) Champagne, in 12-ounce can form.

(3 words) 13) The seed of Hans, from The Simpsons.

M A G I

6

18

5

Down 1 A red can and an iron eagle may make you think this is a commie beer. It's Mexican, actually.

2 A weird animal hybrid's dome.

(2 Words) 3 We're unsure of who was judging this competition. (3 Words) 5 Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, but they'll sell it. (2 Words) 8 Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 Words) 9 Texas has steers, queers and this brew. (2 Words) 10 The bottle doesn't remind one of this tall, Western mountain range. (2 Words)

4

the clues Across 4 The big brother of the blue bullet that comes in a case of 30. (2 Words) 6 A bike wheel that's like your girlfriend's ass. (2 Words) 7 How could such a delightful beer be named for such a crappy bird? (2 Words) 11 A crown of shit is still a crown.

Serve with lime.

12 Champagne, in 12-ouce can form. (3 Words) 13 The seed of Hans, from The Simpsons 14 St. Louis isn't worthless after all.

15 If you worship a Mexican sun god, you'll lose yours.

16 Come for the ivy, black out with this brew. (2 Words) 17 A Canadian beer the color of a singular sad music genre. (2 Words) 18 It doesn't matter how special it is, take it off for the national anthem. (2 Words)

3

2

1

class tim e Holy ___1___ I’m exhausted, but I’m not about to pussy out on my last night in ___2___. I’m really hoping to run into that ___3___ look-alike again, man he was good in the sack. Well, by sack I mean ___4___ but you understand.

And now that I’m not burnt like a ___5___ and my ___6___ has cleared up a bit, I’m looking better than ever! Sure, the tattoo of ___7___’s face on my ___8___ probably isn’t going to be so funny once I get home but, hey, isn’t that was spring break is for? Making mistakes? Like (lol) flashing my ___9___ during the ___10___ show at the beach, getting kicked out and slipping in a pile of spilled ___11___-margaritas, then lapping it up like a dog? #embarrassing But Thursday afternoon was the most ridiculous. Meeting those cuties from ___12___ and bonging ___13___ was epic! Well until I saw his uncircumcised you-know-what.

But it was fine, we smoked some ___14___ and got so blazed we were watching ___15___-dubbed ___16___ videos on YouTube, and mowing the shit out of some ___17___. Then banged. It was bliss, basically.

But tonight… tonight we go hard. Listen to some ___18___, drink my ___19___ + Diet Coke and wear the outfit I’ve been waiting for all week – my ___20___-skin dress!

Ahh!!!

1) body part 2) spring break hot spot 3) D-list celebrity 4) place in a bar 5) red food 6) STD 7) 90s pop diva 8) gross Body Part 9) body part 10) b-list rapper 11) nasty fruit

12) European country 13) imported beer 14) silly weed name 15) weird electronic artist 16) Animal 17) drunk food 18) bad mainstream rapper 19) flavored vodka 20) Animal

class tim e

the madlib: last night of spring break

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