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The Black Sheep
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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com
Volume 6, Issue 2 2/9/12 - 2/28/12
al bowman for president Mitch Vaginapun wrote this
If you’ve been following politics as much as I haven’t, you already know one thing about this country—it sucks to suck. The housing market is bad or something, there are dirty people protesting in parks, and you have to give some of the money you make from that job you had to get (because your parents cut you off) to the government because they need to fix roads and build schools or something. The upcoming election could affect all of those things, and you need to know that you’re voting for a candidate that shares the same publicly-enraged-although-actually-uninterested-stance as you. Only one man can pull of such an amazing feat. Only one man is as interested in the nation as he is in you. That man, my fellow Americans, is Al Bowman. Now before I get into the technical details of why Bowman should be the 45th American President, I need to make sure you understand whom he’s running against. These are my findings after performing the long, scholarly research of skimming a random article about each candidate after Googling their names: Mitt Romney: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a rich dickhead AND his first name is something that I wear on my hands to keep them warm. Rick Santorum: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a rape-baby loving prick whose last name means something hilarious. Ron Paul: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s an old wizard. Newt Gingrich: Republican. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a sick-with-cancer-wifeleaving asshole. Barack Obama: Democrat. Reason not to vote for him: He’s a Democrat. As you can plainly see, each candidate has a major flaw far too large to leave him a reasonable option as President of the United States. That or they’re a wizard. We need a true Washington outsider, someone who has experience in making decisions we agree with and having a name that sounds American and is easy to spell. Al Bowman is just the man. Not only has Al Bowman never publically taken the stance that you disagree with on the abortion debate, but he is also free of bipartisan debates because he isn’t a member of either party. You don’t have to vote along the party line (unless it’s a conga one) when there’s no line to party, am I right? And speaking of parties, you want a president who knows how to throw one. I know enough people who have been to Al Bowman’s house to grossly exaggerate their stories, and that dude throws one hell of a party. I heard he once had a full scale automated Optimus Prime made entirely out of kegs at a party and he made sure everyone was safe by letting them crash on his 3-mile waterbed until they slept it off.
Other stuff
Inside
Body Language and Physical Contact A Guide to Not Missing Totally Obvious Signs - do you want to get laid, or what?
see page 4
If that’s not enough of a reason for you to vote for Al Bowman, think about it this way—his name is already President Bowman. You wouldn’t even have to remember a new name. It’d be as convenient as dating a girl with the same name as your ex so you don’t accidently call her by the wrong name. I’m not the only one who does that, right, Jessica? I…I mean Sandy? Plus, because he’s also black, you can’t be accused of being racist for voting for him instead of for Barack Obama. Hell, you could even claim he’s half-Chinese like Tiger Woods and seem even more racially accepting. No one’s going to look that shit up. I certainly didn’t. When it comes down to election time, remember your priorities. Do you want a president who is well informed about the complicated system of our government and has years of “experience,” or do you want a president that decided to give you the glory of a rock wall that’s in the new fitness center? I think we both know the answer to that one.
So You Think You’re Into the Academy Awards? Sucks to be A White Middle Class College Student so, quick question... why, exactly? see page 11
Life is so unfair, how could you max out dad’s credit card like that?
see page 12