Volume 1, Issue 5 | 11/09/11 - 11/30/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
My Journey Into the Belly of the Beast sevin ketze wrote this
“Oh jeeez...what the heck did I sign myself up for?” I was still a few hundred yards from their encampment, but my heart was already pounding. I had taken every precaution; I scented myself with cigarettes and Mountain Dew, wore wrinkled clothes and a corduroy jacket, and wore three condoms to protect myself from new strains of airborne hepatitis that were surely flourishing in their small settlement...but I still felt that this assignment would be the death of me. I tied several large model rocket engines to my notepad, and taped a remote launch system to my wrist. If I didn't make it out of here, at least I could launch my notes far enough to be safe from the hostile occupiers. I began to cross the bridge...I was getting very close. I started playing Rage Against The Machine on my headphones to try and gain their trust. My steps were slowing involuntarily. I could see them clearly now, standing in a circle and chatting. I could only imagine what they were saying; “Boy, I sure do hate food made by big corporations. We should kill and eat the next satirical reporter that tries to interview us.” Well, the joke's on them! Little did they know, I had poisoned my own meat. I patted my abdomen; the ziploc bag full of arsenic sat heavy in my stomach. Suddenly, I was teetering on the border of their village. I must have zoned out during my approach...or maybe that's the arsenic. Oh man. Oh man, I'm dizzy. “Hey, are you okay?” I turned around and wiped the vomit from my mouth. One of the natives, who was no more than a decimeter away, was staring right at me. I had never felt so nervous. I had never felt so... After vomiting once again, I responded. “Yeah...I think I just ate some...bad…arsenic... or something.” He raised an eyebrow, and turned back to face his co-conspirators. I approached the border for a second time. I quickly stuck my foot across in an effort to trigger their primitive traps. I found that there weren't any. “Looks like some poor sucker already tripped them,” I lamented. I stepped cautiously across the line, and noticed a box of “free” “bagels” on the ground. Nice try. I slid on a sterile rubber glove and approached the man who had just watched me barf up a plastic bag. Raising my hands high above my head, I greeted him. “HELLO, NOBLE PROTESTER,” I said, trying to speak loudly and appear large so he knew I was no easy prey. He again turned to face me, and I prepared my offering of cigarettes, Vanilla Coke, and deodorant at his feet. “This is for you. Please. Take.” “Uh, no, that's okay.”
Fre ta e...lik kin e g f eve rom ry hom thin e o g yo ver u p bre lan ak. on ..
FUCK. OH FUCK. He didn't accept the offering, GODDAMMIT I AM SO DEAD. I curled into a defensive ball to shield my organs from an easy harvest...but he didn't move. “Hey there. My name is Travis. Can I help you with anything?” He extended his hand toward mine and helped me up. I quickly covered my mouth with my shirt to avoid showing my teeth; a common sign of aggression. He moved my arm up and down rhythmically, and then released my hand. I appear to have satisfied his salutation ritual. I interrupted the silence: “Yes...I am reporter. I am here to learn about you. Please do not hurt. Do. Not. Hurt.” He laughed. “Well, uhhh, we're here because of the truly massive gap between the top 1% and the bottom 99%. We're sick of standing by as we're taken advantage of, so...we're just doing our part to show we're not gonna take it.” He spoke with intelligence and clarity. I was confused...then it became clear. Obviously, this was another shrewd reporter, just like me, who had infiltrated their encampment. “Yeah...you...sure do hate...corporations...right?” I winked at him knowingly. He looked confused, and opened his mouth to respond. “No,” I said, gesturing for him to be silent, and put my mouth to his ear. “I know what you're doing...brother. Your secret is safe with me.” I winked at him several more times before retreating. “Well, shoot. Back to square one,” I said under my breath. I paced the border of their encampment. None of them noticed me; clearly my scent mask was working. I slyly slid behind some large plants and began to take notes. They stood in a circle not more than a hundred and fifty inches from me. They were talking and laughing in a dialect I could not understand. The smell of self-satisfaction was overpowering. So overpowering, that I couldn't... I awoke in the middle of the Milner parking lot. My photographer must have dragged me to safety when I lost consciousness. I heard a voice behind me; “Hey man, I dragged you to safety when you lost consciousness.” I lifted my head towards him and gave him a grateful nod. With great difficulty, I sat up and looked at my notepad. All it said was “BEARDS” and “URINE PUDDLE”. It appears that my expedition to learn about them had been a failure...but I didn't care. I was alive, and that was all I cared about. In memory of SevinKetze: Dead from arsenic poisoning.
04: Watterson Check-In: The Greatest Show on Earth I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE TO SLEEP, ADOLF.
05: Night Prowlers
Survival instincts never looked so good.
13: The Black Sheep Interviews Double trouble this issue, with Mat Kearney and 12th Planet!
Meet The Staff!
Pg4: from the streets If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
contents Find Us At...
Managing Editor Bryan Podell Advertising Managers Kurt Tribble distribution Manager Jason Snyder Contributing Writers Kevin Setze Bill Johnson Jeremy Ber Mike Atkins Matt Andrews campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?
Pg6: Six Classtime Situations When Tickling is Inappropriate Six, no more, no less.
707 Liquors, Alamo II, Artkore Tattoos, Barnes & Noble, Brewe-Ha’s, Budget Liquors, Campus Town, Celestial Tanning, Chaser’s, Class Act Realty, Coffee Hound, College Station Apartments, Colorific Hair Salon, Cosi, Daddio’s, DP Dough, Elroy’s, Eurotan, Express Mart, Fat Jack’s, First Site, Flinger’s, Gumby’s Pizza, Lunker’s, Maggie Miley’s, Maguire’s Bar & Grill, Medici, Midtown Liquors, Mother Murphey’s, Movie Fan, Mugsy’s Pub, Neon Rays, Prime Time Pizza , Pub II, Reggie’s Sandwiches, Shorty’s Cellar Barber, Smoker’s Den, South Beach Tanning, Super Gyro, The Point, The Loft, The Rock, The Village, Ultimate Tan, University Liquors Every Fraternity and Sorority! Dorms! Bins! AND MORE!
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Talk to Parents About... - how halloween went - grades (and potential for the future) - Latest relationship - so can you mix pinks w/whites?
- my apartment next year!
G N I V I L T N E D STU ! T H G I R E N O D
Pg11: the top 10 Ways to spite Occupy BloNo protesters.
Pg8-9: the bar grid See where you can save on drinks so you can go buy yourself more...drinks?
Pg13: CD Review Summer Camp- Welcome to Condale
Pg10: Bartender of the issue: At least someone thought our bathroom accident was hilarious.
Pg14: seek-and-find Can you find all the random crap we hid in your bedroom?
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Pg11: What Are They REALLY Occupying? College kids never have money, so what are they upset about, again?
Pg15: What’s So Great About November? Well, lots of things, actually.
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"If you had one wish, what would you wish for?" By Matt Andrews
“I wish Einstein Bagels would have another espresso machine.”
- Natalie E. Sophomore
Watterson Check-In: The Greatest Show On Earth Sevin Ketze wrote this “I can't even believe that this giant penis costume didn't get me laid,” you think to yourself, as you approach the front doors of Watterson. You take a swig from the empty apple juice bottle that you filled with UV Blue. You sly dog, nobody will ever suspect you. Reaching into your pocket, you find your ID card, stacked alongside your debit card, and a wide array of unused gift cards. But...which is which? You stand in front of the door, swiping card after card. “The FUUUUUCK, just let me IIIIINNNN,” you say to nobody. Finally, the green light appears, and the door lock buzzes open. You dizzily stare at the sign on the door. Does it say push...or pull? Oh, cruel fate, why did you make two opposite words share so many letters! Taking a gamble, you grasp the cold handle and lean away. It opens! You’ve fallen on the ground, but that doesn't matter. You finally get to go inside, and will be in your warm, cozy bed in a matter of minutes. As you saunter past a large group of people, a woman in a red shirt stops you. “Can I see your ID?” “Oh, no, that's okay.” Unfortunately, your argument did not dissuade her, and she asks again. Seeing no other option, you again rummage through your pockets, and pull out a tangled mess of keys, a headphone cable, a bag of unidentified pills and nine condoms. “Here.” You drop it into her hands, and try and pass her again. She stops you for a second time, and directs you to the back of the room, towards the end of a long line “Whaaaaat! Come on, just let me go upstairs!” Despite your clever counter-argument, she shakes her head. “If you don't have an ID, you gotta get in line.” “But I do have an ID, it's...it's somewhere...” You search your pockets, but find nothing. You must have dropped it outside...but there's no way you're going back for it. It's like forty eight degrees out there! Defeated, you walk to the back of the line and stare blankly at all the people before you. Near the front of the line, you see a large man sitting on the ground eating from a shopping
bag full of bagels. Behind him, several girls are taking an endless number of pictures of each other. Even further back, a young couple is sloppily making out. “Boner patrol!” you yell loudly. Nobody laughs. Maybe they didn't hear you. “BONER PATROL!” Everybody in line turns and faces you. You chuckle nervously, and decide the best way to diffuse the tension is to start doing the robot. You're not sure why. After ten minutes of tedious waiting, you suddenly have to piss. BAD. You're clear-headed enough to realize that night ops isn't gonna let you go to the bathroom, and you sigh in dismay. “What the hell am I gonna do?” You look down at the empty bottle, still clenched in your hands. Bingo! But...how are you gonna do this without anybody looking at you? A light bulb appears above your head. You stand tall and speak loudly: “Attention everybody! I'm gonna piss into this bottle, so nobody look! Okay? Nobody look!” Genius. You unscrew the lid and position your penis for perfect piss placement. “OHHHHHHH SHIIIIIT YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH” you announce, as waves of relief eminates from your penis. You make eye contact with a police officer walking by. “It's okay, officer, I'm drunk.” He takes a step towards you, then shakes his head and continues on his way. You're such a smooth talker. Suddenly, you find yourself at the front of the line. “ID?” he asks you. “I don't have ID, you ginger fuck, I—sorry about that—can't you look up my name on a list or something?” “Okay...name?” “Sevin.” “Last name?” “Oh yeah, so you can find out where I live and kidnap me to your sex dungeon? Nice try, you squirrely little shit.” You flip him off and walk towards the stairs. Nobody stops you. “Yeah, that's what I THOUGHT.” You turn around atop the stairs to flip everybody off again. While standing there, middle fingers raised, you come to a sudden realization. You live in Hewett.
“I wish all the pompous assholes would get out of ISU.” - Rachel R., Sophomore
"Oh cruel fate, why did you make two opposite words share so many letters?"
“I wish to be accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.” - Anna T., Sophomore
SEX and the u
When the sun goes down on a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night and all the bright orange street lamps illuminate the campus, that’s when they come out. You can usually spot them pretty easily because they walk in packs of two to ten. After preparing for the moonlight hunt, they leave their respective rooms and congregate in the dorm lobbies. If you see them, you’d be right to get your dinner or soda then hightail it back to your room, because they’re out for blood. Know who I’m talking about yet? Let me give a little more detail about the appearance of these nightly creatures. They wear high heels, usually stilettos that look like they could easily skewer a wild boar. As you pan up you
take in short skirts, tight, usually strapless tops, and hair that has been crimped, curled and hair-sprayed to a ridiculous level. Finally, you get a look at the creature’s face, if you can see it under all the ounces of mascara, blush, lipstick, and eye shadow—the war paint of their kind. Figured out who I’m talking about it? Yes, you got it: College girls. For my two years of residing in the dorms I've had to dodge these creatures either in the halls or on the streets while they go out for their nightly prowls. Every time, I’ve barely escaped with my life and sanity intact. Where do they go, you ask? Who knows? Parties, movies, bars, grocery shopping, Wal-Mart; it could be anywhere. What’s their purpose? Something that is also unknown. But no matter how cold it is, no matter how hard it’s raining, these exotic, not-so-majestic animals rule the night. If you hear them, hide inside your room or behind the nearest mailbox. Luckily, you can hear them coming a mile away by their high-pitched shrieks of laughter that pierce the night and turn warm blood to ice. This alarm will allow you to get to safety before they arrive. You may be wondering why they brave the frigid air with so little on their bodies. Well, I have but one theory for it. See, if they go out in the cold enough times, their bare
Medona wrote this
skin will start to toughen until it develops immunity to the low temperatures. This immunity will then be passed on in their genes to the next generation. Some females of that new generation may, in turn, become night prowlers also and thus the evolution of their tough skin continues. Eventually (probably by the time we hit the next ice age) humans will be completely immune to the cold. So instead of going extinct like all the woolly mammoths and saber tooth tigers, humans will live on, all thanks to these crazy yet genius young women. They will be the heroes of the human race without even knowing it. Please bear in mind though, this is only a theory. I still would not recommend approaching the night prowlers unless you are properly prepared. How do you defend yourself in case they attack? Snickers would probably work. Just throw them a couple bars as a distraction then run fast in the opposite direction if they take the bait. If not, try breakfast bars. Healthy food is more likely to get their attention, but chocolate works just as well. Just be cautious when approaching them alone. Beware college girls at night, my friend. Beware.
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SHOUT OUTS! Yo, Zach, thanks for giving me that couch cushion! My girlfriend loved it! D, even though your mom is over 100miles away you dont need to yell on the phone for her to hear you. n though it may be a shock, we really could care less about your conversations, so please simmer down. also, get over yourself and your "boyfriend" Brian, I really hate you for making me walk with that 40 year old man to the party Occupy Blono-er, remember when you werenâ€™t loitering? Me neither! Hey Danny, can you please give me my belt back? Itâ€™s not funny when my pants drop in front of my parents! Teresa, I bet working the front desk was quite the show this weekend! Happy Birthday, Mom! Waldo! Over the course of Halloweekend, I found you about ten times! Judy Topinka, what are you thinking about? Bruce, be more gentle To the girl that yelled "IS IT CONSENSUAL???" during my walk of shame. Thank you. That was funny. To the weirdo who writes "April Fools" in dog shit on the Quad, I may of shit on my shoes, but you have shit on your hands. April Fools. Sincerely, Normal Person
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Six Classtime Situations when Tickling is Inappropriate
Steve Serkultits wrote this
I know that I’m not the only tickle monster out there. Okay, maybe I am. Regardless, there are times you should and should not tickle, and knowing those times can be the difference between life and death. Let me lay down some of the no-go zones in the ultimate tickle spot—the classroom. When Someone Accidentally Knocks Your Pencil off Your Desk Look, I know it’s annoying that you have to bend down and pick it up. It’s even more annoying that the bastard didn’t apologize, but that’s no reason to lunge at him, fingers flying. One minor inconvenience in your day isn’t worth being the outcast of the class. The sexual assault charges aren’t worth it either. Trust me. In Response to Being Asked for Gum This only really counts as an inappropriate time if you wait until after you’ve given them the gum and they put it in their mouth. As good of a payment for gum as a good tickle is, it has to be done before they start to chew. If worse comes to worst, you could just pull a Weekend at Bernie’s for the next few days before the weekend. It’s probably better just to not tickle them. During the Pledge of Allegiance Sure, it may seem like a good idea to tickle someone when their guard is down and their hand on their heart, but it’s not a situation you should take advantage of. If someone laughs during the Pledge of Allegiance, that makes them a terrorist. And if you create terrorists, that makes you Osama bin Laden. In the Middle of the Final The best way to show the cute girl in front of you that you like her probably isn’t a tickle, but if you’re like me, tickling is the only thing you know. Now, if you are in fact like me, you probably thought, “Oh, she’s stressed out because of how big this final is! A little tickle will make her relax and do better!” Turns out that’s not how it works. That giggle will be counted as cheating, and she’ll get thrown out of the class. But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right? When Someone is Raising Their Hand to Ask to go to the Bathroom Remember, I said inappropriate, not funny. Sure, it’s HILARIOUS to make people wet themselves when they expose their armpits, but a puddle of piss on the ground really isn’t conducive to a proper learning environment. Neither is having to keep all of the windows open in the room for 2 weeks in the middle of winter so the room stops smelling like urine. During a Lockdown I get that you might want to try to lighten the mood, but not is not the time. At least wait until everyone is huddled together outside the school and you’ve score some, “I’m here for you,” tang. Besides, nothing says, “I’m reinforcing the very reason you snapped and brought a gun to school,” like uncontrollable laughter. Remember, tickling is everyting—it’s awesome, it’s great, it’s hilarious and it’s seductive—but like sex, there’s a time and a place for it, and the classroom isn’t either.
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Issue Major: Awesome Minor: None Favorite drink and how to make it? Blue Bow, which is half Strongbow Cider and half Blue Moon. Favorite shot and how to make it? Sex with the Monkey, which is 1 part Irish Crème, 1 part vanilla vodka, 1 part Kahlua, and 1 part banana liqueur. Worst drink and how to make it? No such thing. Celebrity you most want to punch in the face? Justin Bieber Worst pickup line you heard? “Hello, I just got accepted into Harvard Law.” Disney character you would most want to hook up with? Meg, from Hercules. Funniest thing you’ve seen on the
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job? A guy wiped feces on the men’s bathroom wall. If you could create a holiday what would it be? Bartender Appreciation Day If you could have a superpower what would it be? Super intelligence How many 4-year olds can you take in a fight? As many as they can throw at me. Best way to get a free drink from you? Run up a large tab. If you could listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be? “When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash If you could compare your life to one TV character, who would it be ? I’d say Tommy Gavin from Rescue Me.
THe top ten
Ways to Spite Occupy Blo-No Protestors 10) Point out their use of iPhones and other electronics I’m pretty sure that these protestors owe a giant “thank you” to the rich for helping them fight against them. That’s a really confusing sentence, which is probably why the Occupy Blo-No peeps don’t understand it. 9) Hose Down Their Chalking Writing “Romney 2012” is more acceptable than their ridiculous chalkings on the bridge. Make their hard protestor work go to waste by washing off their carefully thought-out words off the bridge. Bonus points if you use urine! 8) Walk By With Your Toms Shoes On Nothing says, “Fuck you” like supporting a different cause. Walk by with your latest, trendy Toms shoes get-up and show them that you not only don’t support their cause, but you’re better because you’re supporting a worldly cause. Suck on that, amirite?
What Are They Really Occupying?
Will Holloman wrote this
They’ve gone from holding up signs that ask cars to honk at them, to playing Bright Eyes songs rewritten to an awkward set of protest lyrics, to spray painting political nonsense concerns all over the quad, to finally setting up camp on the patio to create what some like to call “Camp City.” But why? Why all of this baloney? After asking several of the Occupy Blo-No “occupants” what they’re doing there, only to find out that they just like to wear protest armbands and aren’t really into the whole “going to class thing” and actually know little to nothing about what they’re fighting for, I decided that this was a case for Detective Will to solve. First, I decided to scan the most obvious scene for clues: the bridge leading to the library and The Bone. I grabbed my magnifying glass and bubble pipe and rushed to the scene. After dealing with campus police and explaining to them that the reason why I was naked and only carrying a bubble pipe and a magnifying glass was because I had no other detective tools, including a sweet detective outfit to wear while playing “Detective Will,” I continued my investigation. Due to the massive amounts of “Romney 2012” writing all over the bridge, I couldn’t comprehend any of the Occupy Blo-No-er’s messages in a serious matter. Like, really? Romney 2012? Careful who you associate yourself with, Occupy Blo-No-ers. In order to escape my sudden urge to rush to the voting booth twelve months too early, I decided to take a seat on the patio between The Bone and the library (You know, that tiny square foot where there isn’t a tent set up?). Even though there was somebody already sitting in the only seat available, and even though there was someone sitting on his lap, and even though someone was sitting on his lap, I decided to sit on that guy’s lap, making a cool totem pole-type figure, in order to take a Facebook break. While enjoying a mixture of the latest smell of man, I decided to check out the Occupy Blo-No Facebook page in order to find some answers.
I spent what seemed like hours searching through the millions upon millions of fan concept art renditions of “V for Vendetta” applied to the Occupy Blo-No movement. After feeling sick to stomach from all of the Guy Fawkes references, I had to focus my attention elsewhere. Thank goodness for all of the advertisements on Facebook. At this point in time, I needed something to clear to my mind, and what better than advertisements for small businesses selling horses and Wal-Mart advertisements? I thought for a second that, maybe, just maybe, that these protestors were fighting all the rich people in the world. It sounded like a good idea for about a split second but then everything else hit me. They couldn’t be protesting all of the rich people and their corporations because if they did, none of it made sense. They had a Facebook page; they had all of these Macbook computers, all of these iPhones, Droid phones, etc. They had all of this assistance with fighting their cause from all of these wealthy people and corporations, that they would probably be nowhere without, so it’d just be a giant paradox if this were true. I just couldn’t wrap my brain around it, so the advertisement for Wal-Mart reminded me that I needed to go grocery shopping. So, I’m at the grocery store doing my usual shopping, making sure that I got the milk last so it wouldn’t get all warm and awkward. I did my usual “use the cart as a scooter and go really fast back to the milk section” thing that I normally do. As I got to the door and reached in to get my carton of 1% milk, it dawned on me. The Occupy Blo-No-ers are protesting the “Got Milk” campaign. It all makes sense. These protestors are just a bunch of lactose-intolerant sissies that can’t drink milk and are therefore protesting the giant cow that produces all of our country’s milk. That explains the why they write “99%” and “1%” milk everywhere because its about the amount of fat in our milk. It all makes sense.
"I grabbed my magnifying glass and bubble pipe and rushed to the scene"
7) Tell Them How You Went Grocery Shopping I don’t really understand how or why this upsets them, but I recently walked past them and told them how I just got back from Wal-Mart and bought a super sweet costume for Halloween and they were all, “OMFG STABBED IN THE BACK!” So I guess in some weird way, they get super hurt when you find awesome Halloween deals at Wal-Mart. Just think what would happen if you said. “Target.” 6) Don’t Honk I guess this mainly only applies to you drivers out there, but this is still pretty important. In some messed up way, these Occupy Blo-No protestors feel like they’re one step closer to “fixing” this country whenever a car honks. So simply don’t honk. Eventually you’re going to see their signs become darker and darker because they need your honk like crack addicts need candy. Hah, you thought I was gonna say crack. 5) Yell “Pull Our Troops Out of Vietnam!” Maybe it’s because they don’t like Vietnamese people and are all about fixing only America, or they just get upset when we bring up a real protest that actually did something, but they hate it. I’ve done it twice and I’ve seen a gross, stinky protestor cry each time. And I didn’t even use tear gas. 4) Explain How “V For Vendetta” Was Only A Comic Book After talking with a bunch of the protestors, I’ve discovered that they really like to make comparisons between their Occupy Blo-No protest and the events that occur in “V For Vendetta.” Hey protestors, Peter Parker got bit by a radioactive spider and became Spiderman. You don’t see me going around campus trying to get bit by every single spider I can find on campus on the off chance that one bites me and I can suddenly scale walls, now do you? 3) Discuss Politics In Their Presence This has nearly the same effect as a dog whistle does with dogs. It’s absolutely incredible. If you stand amongst them and start talking about politics with a friend, they plug their ears and start screaming in agony. I’ve even witnessed a few run to their iPod in order to find the right Bright Eyes song to fill them in on what’s going on. 2) Suggest Taking Action Is it me or have these guys been sitting in the “lets gather our troops!” phase a bit too long? It’s quite the fun festivity if you engage in a friendly conversation with an Occupy Blo-No protestor and all of a sudden suggest that they should like, go to Chicago or something. You know, take their protest to next step? They usually start referencing “V For Vendetta” at this point and talk about how they’re waiting for their hero to show up. 1) Walk By With A Smile This one is the simplest to do. All you gotta do is walk by them and smile, demonstrating to them that you are enjoying life without “the man bringing you down” and are well aware that there are certain people with enough money to buy four swimming pools and fill three of them with Jell-o and one with pudding, but right now you are getting an education in order to not end up camping loitering on a college campus years down the road.
Will Holloman wrote this
the entertainment page the black sheep interviews:
12 planet th
The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do? 12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a checkin room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke. One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music, dubstep?” I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it. TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music? 12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes. It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute.
Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”) But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.
TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats? 12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day. TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends. How did you guys meet? 12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends. It’s always party time. TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show? 12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun. TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or post-show rituals?
thanks for nothing, thanksgiving Music: Mary J. BligeMy Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.
12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now. It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance. So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk. TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking? 12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer; it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugar-free Red Bull. TBS: What else is on your rider? 12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes. TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick? 12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week. If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day. TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you wish you were stuck with? 12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times.
Record it on a phone and call it a day. TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain? 12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that. TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…” 12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting. Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough! TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that. 12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too.
JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS
Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.” By: Brendan
Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town. They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.
Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.” Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.
We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician. Be sure to check out Kearney's latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician? Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself. TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use? MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter. TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural? MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently. [When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day. TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy? MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too. TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else? MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hip-hop record. Then I would take it away and try to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on.
Welcome to Condale
We’ll be welcomed back to Summer Camp any day. When I think of the noun “summer camp,” visions of running around in a wet swimsuit, flirting with the boys in the older cabins and maxing out on popsicles is what floods my mind. The music that could be the proverbial soundtrack to all of that carefree nonsense is inconsequently from a London duo called Summer Camp who, despite only making music together for about two years, have managed to make their mark on the fuzzy-wuzzy buzzband circuit. And maybe because they look so good with that sunkissed glow. Welcome to Condale starts off with a great catchy pop tune “Better Off Without You” that sounds vaguely 80s but in the best, most genuine way. The album continues on in a similar poppy fashion, with spurts of interesting interludes like the beginning of “I Want You,” which sounds like the beginning of a dramatic movie scene and continues on with somewhat daunting lyrics and slow-downed techno beats. The British influence on the band is somehow more prominent during the track “Losing My Mind” where both members of the band come in for vocals, providing that nice texture of varying vocal styles. “Down” is another awesome, catchy tune that makes you want to do the running man in neon leg-warmers, like, so badly. Their stand-out track, though, is “Ghost Train” which starts off with a spo-
ken break-up (“I wanna get hurt!”) and continues on into a beautifully orchestrated song that has all the makings for a summer romance. Or a winter romance—something has to keep you warm these days. Either way, this will be a track you’ll have on repeat and be so content about it. While the album does an overall great job with the music and the lyrics, it could stand for a little bit more diversity. The slower songs come at you like an unexpected wedgie, one that you couldn’t even laugh at later. But what’s great about Summer Camp is their unique sound, and that they own it. For seemingly ripping off any number of '80s band, this group plays it up perfectly without being forced or kitsch, yet still manages to put a hip 2000s spin on it that is as much refreshing as it is beneficial. To be able to strike that balance shows their legitimate talent, and is what gives me hope that this group will continue to do great things. Hopefully they’ll be back next year… please, please let them be back next year, but with smoother skin and no more braces. Sounds Like: Summertime in 1985. Download: Ghost Train, Down, 1988 Listen to it When: The cold is getting you down, and so is 2011.
UPCOMING RELEASES >>> Angels & Airwaves -Love Part One and Part Two Disturbed - Lost Children Cass McCombs -Humor Risk Now 40: That's What I Call Music
Keith Jarrett - Rio Mac Miller - Blue Slide Park David Lynch - Crazy Clown Park Animals as Leaders - Weightless
TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album? MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gutwrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that. TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you? MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate to that stylistically and also emotionally. TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage alone? MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an interesting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band. I don’t think I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends. TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who would you choose? MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting. TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in? MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in. I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to everywhere we’re going, always. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time.
What’s so great about November?
Medona wrote this
Yes, it’s already November, can you believe it? I sure can’t. It seems like August was just a few weeks ago, and now we’re already more than halfway done with school. But some of you may be grumbling in complaint that December, the month when the semester ends, is still so far out of reach. I say quit complaining and sit down. There are plenty of good things to look forward to in November. If you don’t believe me, here’s a list I’ve compiled of them
• Fall Break! Come on, a week off of school? Don’t try to tell me that’s not something to be excited about. For all you freshmen in the dorms who get to experience the joys of packing up your room and getting kicked out for Fall Break for the first time, all I can say is this: Have fun! • J. Edgar. I have no idea what this film is about, but it has Leonardo DiCaprio in it. Enough said. • Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. Now, before you hate me for putting this on my list, let me explain why I find this exciting. It means we’re one step closer to having this awful series be out of the movie theaters for good. Plus I’ll finally be able to watch television without seeing those pasty-faced, angsty teenagers trying to make their dumb movies look dramatic and good. Keep trying, guys, keep trying. • Jack and Jill. No, I don’t want to see this. I just want them to stop showing those stupid commercials on TV for it where they repeat the same dumb jokes over and over. Dear Adam Sandler: Make better life choices. Sincerely, everyone. • Happy Feet 2. Because who doesn’t love cute, dancing penguins? • Thanksgiving! Food, fun, and family, there’s nothing better. Well, unless of course your family is all assassins who are constantly trying to kill each other while you attempt to enjoy your turkey and stuffing. That might put a damper on the holiday. Or make a really cool video game. Either one.
• Black Friday. Gotta love getting up at three in the morning to wait in front of Target in order to snag that plasma screen TV you don’t really need but want anyway for half off. Oh well, you do need some way to burn off all that food you ate the day before. • Christmas shopping. Nothing says Thanksgiving like millions of ads for Christmas specials being shoved in your face, reminding you of how broke the impending holiday is going to make you. Can’t we just get through one holiday first before we start thinking about the one after it? Of course not. This is America, after all. • 11-11-11. Make a wish! Or watch the world explode. I’m not sure which will come true, but it’ll be exciting either way. • Snow! Knowing Illinois weather, we’ll either get a repeat of Snowmageddon or a heat wave. Personally, I think Mother Nature just hates us because she’s a Packers fan. And you, good sir, may counter with all the bad things about November. The shitty weather, the whole “seeing your drop-out high school buddies and becoming depressed about it” thing and the impending end of the college football season. You may even point out bad parts about some of the good stuff, like the long, girthy, throbbing lines on Black Friday. To that, I say, what are you a racist?
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A Very Guy Fawkes partyscope Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19): You have just the right amount of gonads to lead a revolution. Whether it be government-related, #occupysesamestreet, or a sexual revolution even the hippies would be jealous of, go and be the best Charles Manson you can be! (note: The Black Sheep does not support “drinking the Kool-Aid”) Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20): We all just want to be loved. You especially, you needy bitch. But you know who will love you back? Batshit crazy revolutionaries and/or serial killers! Go find someone who will love your forever, and perhaps who will wear your skin as a dress. Gemini (May 21 - June 21): Your incessant need to talk can only help you in one area: public speaking. Hell, if the devil Michelle Bachmann can gather followers, so can you! Go ahead and bitch about tuition and pretend like the government cares. Cancer (June 22 - July 22): With your constant feelings of insecurity, you would make a fabulous crony. Try to find
someone charismatic to follow around like a puppy (and occasionally have some doggy-style fun with). Who knows? You might even end up in a polygamist clan with your own primetime cable show! Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22): You attention seeking whoreface. *cough* I’m sorry I meant “big personality”. Everyone loves you! Which means they’re probably listen to you, even if you tell them to do stupid shit. Try out your power; can you get your friends to break in to your college’s Student Affairs office and wallpaper it with screenshots of one of Anna Nicole Smith’s “movies”? Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): To put it plainly, you are a pain in the ass. You would probably rather be bitching about your life than anything else. So I guess now you’ll just have one more thing to bitch about. BE HAPPY. Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22): You just wish everyone would leave you alone. Well if your pals are going to try and blow up a government institution, just hunker down in your nuclear bomb shelter and wait for the world to burn. There’s plenty of Internet porn to keep you busy for years.
YEARS. Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21): You would describe yourself as ‘intense”. Your friends would describe you as ‘a raving bitch.’ I suggest finding an Aries, coercing them into sex, and then pretending to be pregnant so they will make you their right-hand woman in their new totalitarian regime. Oh, wait, you already did that once in high school? I’m so shocked. Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21): Spunky and adventurous, you are the sneaky kind of uprising leader. You have a lot of friends and are well-liked, so just as easily as you slip in “hey, we should fuck” to a hottie and then carry on your conversation like nothing happened, you can start dropping nuggets of discourse. Example: “Hey man, how about that last touchdown? Our QB really pitched the WE SHOULD SHANK THE PRESIDENT ball at the last second, it was awesome!” Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Always the wannabe, never the leader. Robin, just accept that you’ll always be second best and go find
( class time )
your Batman, wallow in self-pity, and then sleep with a hooker to make yourself feel something after years of being numb to the world. No doubt you’ll get herpes in the process, but hey, at least you’re good at pretending you have a soul. Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): You are motherfucking weird. Like, “I read Playboy only for the articles” weird. You probably have a lot of pentup anger, don’t you? Be your own one-man revolution and make a statue of Guy Fawkes entirely out of cheese as a symbol of your angst. Actually, you probably have already done that. Well, fuck, I’m out of ideas. Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): Get out of your own head. Seriously, no one spends more time being confused for no reason as you do. You will most likely end up being a sex toy for a cult leader and then try to escape, but will end up with Stockholm Syndrome anyways. Have a great future!
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