Volume 1, Issue 4 | 10/19/11 - 11/09/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
like old cand ...m y f uha rom aha a 9 a -ye
How To Properly Enjoy Fall Weather
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Will Holloman wrote this “The leaves they are a-fallin’” —Bob Dylan. Yes, it’s that time of year and no one could’ve said it better than Bob himself (I say “Bob” because were pretty goods friends and one day at lunch Bob was all, “Hey can you just call me ‘Bob’ instead of ‘Bob Dylan?’ I mean, I’m a person too”). Anywho, it’s fall and there’s some great festivities to be had, so let’s fall right into this. With all these leaves blanketing the ground, it’s time to grab the neighborhood kids because its time to go rapi-- raking! You heard it, folks; it’s time to gather your friends and get some gang raking started. Anybody who’s anybody knows that raking is the coolest thing to do since, oh, I don’t know, the end of the Cold War. Let me tell you a bit about raking: You can rake in circles, you can rake in squares, you can rake with your roommate, you can rake in the dark, you can rake your neighbor’s lawn, you can even rake your friends. Shoot, well…that’s um, enough of that. Well, there are still other fantastically fantastic things to do in this season of giving. Oh, so there’s this thing, you know, it’s called a CARAMEL APPLE. If you haven’t had one, then you’re pretty pathetic. Here’s how you have a caramel apple: First, you go apple picking with your favorite dad (be sure to have “tons o’ fun” during this part or else the apple won’t taste as good). On the way home be sure to stop off at the local grocery store and get some caramel in a jar. Whatever you do, don’t buy the caramel candy that’s like, really hard and individually wrapped…I shouldn’t have to explain why. Once you’re home, take the caramel and the apples and dump them into a big bowl and start mixing it all with your hands. Make sure that you and your
04: Fun Things to Do On A Monday Halloween Can’t wait to study, right gang?!
dad take turns licking the caramel off each other’s fingers periodically and then return to mixing everything. After about an hour of mixing and licking, its time to eat your special treat that you made with father-son love. Grab an ice cream cone from the cabinet, scoop yourself a nice caramel apple and start lickin’. This is where the whole “loving and sharing with your dad” thing stops and you can enjoy the treat without feeling so. so, so, loved. There are plenty of other things to do to get into the spirit of fall, and I almost forgot to share the most important one of all: Falling. People celebrate Christmas by going Christmasing and singing songs to all of the neighbors with their friends and family, so why not celebrate fall by falling? Think of this as the next best thing since planking. Yeah, laying flat somewhere for someone to find you is pretty cool, but how about collapsing right there in front of everyone, for the entire season? I can’t say, “booyah” hard enough. Try it out for yourself, man: You’re walking to class with a friend and they’re all like “So, I was reading my biology assign—” and all of a sudden you collapse. Or try scenario number two: You’re longboarding with all your bro friends and they’ll yelling really cool things like, “Aww wicked sick shit man, I totally just—” and all of a sudden you fall and they’re all “WTF MAN WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT TRICK?” You can even get crazy and try falling in front of oncoming cars! So folks, now you have a reason to stop playing Madden 12 and get outside and enjoy this fine fall season.
05: Relationship Advice From Your Single Friends You should totally break up with her, so I can sleep with her, bro.
15: we Interview: dan whitford from cut copy
he's australian and cooler than you and me... well, you for sure.
Meet The Staff!
Managing Editor Bryan Podell Advertising Managers Kurt Tribble distribution Manager Jason Snyder Contributing Writers Kevin Setze Bill Johnson Jeremy Ber Mike Atkins Matt Andrews campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?
From the Streets You got the keys to the Delorean, when would you go and why?
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How to Monopolize Your Partying The ole’ sauce ain’t cheap, so you gotta spend wisely...
What Your Math Teacher Is Really Like Man, they’re sure some totally normal dude. Why I Don’t Miss Steve Jobs Wait, where’d he go?
Pages 10 & 11 The World Famous Bar Grid!
Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.
Bartender of the Month
The (Hopeful) Death of Popular Music Six artists we hope
This Daddio’s dame wants to be Beast’s damsel in distress! we don’t see around anymore.
Third Party Controllers
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Top Ten Ways to Make it Look Like Your Trip Was On Purpose
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"If you got the keys to the Delorean and could travel back to any time, when would you go and why?" By Matt Andrews
“Woodstock, to hang out with all the drugged-up hippies.”
- Natalie C. Junior
Fun Things to do on a Monday Halloween isaac wrote this Halloween is coming up shortly, and I’m sure you all have your costumes picked out and whatnot. As for me, I’m going as a slutty Steve Jobs zombie. There are some things you should know before you go out on Monday night to look for good parties. I mean, you don’t want to end up with some Wesleyan kids watching some new, shitty horror movie in their basement, do you? So the real question is: What kind of night do you want to have? Ultimately this will determine how to have a fun Halloween.
but it’s fuckin’ Halloween. Give me some damn candy! For those of you who don’t have class on Tuesday (Communications Majors), you can spend your night drinking these shots that I have concocted myself: The first drink is called “The Shit-Faced Pumpkin.” Start by hollowing out a pumpkin. Tradition is to carve a jacko-lantern out of it. Line the entire pumpkin with plasticwrap and fill it with the following: Captain Morgan, pumpkin pie flavoring, Mountain Dew, and Pink Starbursts. Drink directly out of the pumpkin. Send your pics to The Black Sheep of you drinking it! It’ll be awesome (for us, at least).
“1920s, because it would be awesome to be a flapper in a speakeasy, with lots of pear necklaces.” - Emily A. Junior
"Nothing says "badass" like coming back to your room with a pillowcase full of mini-Reese's."
Halloween is supposed to be a time for girls to dress slutty and guys to look at those girls. And it’s okay if the girls get creeped out, because hey, it’s Halloween! Because it lands on a Monday this year, however, there’s also a certain amount of negativity surrounding the holiday. These tips should help you have a good time on Halloween, but not too much of a good time that you spend your night next to the real Mike Myers in jail and he keeps calling you “bubba”.
If you’re looking for a pretty good time without any hassles, a fun thing to do is to get your friends together and go trick-or-treating. I mean, yeah it’s for kids, but they’re easy to push down in order to get some candy for yourself. Nothing says “badass” like coming back to your room with pillowcases full of mini-Reese’s and Three Musketeers that would’ve belonged to a group of seven-year-olds had they been strong enough to stand their ground. They’re perfect for chasing shots! Some houses to avoid when going trick-or-treating are the ones that say, “SEX OFFENDER LIVES HERE,” unless of course, that is part of the decorations in the house. Then by all means you should go on in and take his mysteriouslyplaced candy bowl and dig down deep…for some candy. You should also try to stay away from little old ladies that hand out bags of pennies. I mean, yeah we’re college students and we need all the money we can get,
The next drink is called “The Witche’s Tit.” This involves those nasty green snickers they had from when those Shrek Movies were in theaters. They’re still good, so don’t question it. You put those in a blender with some Smirnoff Ice. Trust me, the chocolate will taste good with the vodka. It always does. For those that just want to have a good time but don’t really want to go out on Halloween, you can always just do your Halloween-themed homework from your professors. Whether it’s doing some spooky trigonometry equations that leave you in a zombie-like catatonic state, or a reading of The Raven by Edgar Allen Poe, you’ll be sure to be shit-your-pants scared. And there will be tons of homework, so have fun! Also, as a side note…make sure you dress up for class. Let’s just say it might earn you some brownie points! When you go to bed on Halloween night, and all the candy dumplings dance around in your head, just remember that the next day you have to sit in class and pretend to be listening to your professor. If that doesn’t give you nightmares, nothing will. (Except for Kids in the Sandbox).
“I’d copy Biff from the second one, and grab a sports almanac then go back and bet on all the big games. Easy money.” - Mike G. Senior
SEX and the u
So you're dating someone, and after a while, things start taking a nasty turn. You don't know what to do, so you ask your close friends for help, because that's what friends are for. Unfortunately, most of your friends are single, and give terrible advice because of it. But, hoping to avoid sounding like dorks, people tend to make stuff up. Here's a short list of things your single friends will probably tell you. “Break it off! BREAK IT OFF!” They don't care whether your boyfriend murdered your parents, or just forgot to return a text. Break it off, gurl! Then we can have more gurrrl time to do guuurrrrllll things, just like we used to, guuuurrrrlll! These people like to pretend that they are picky and in-demand enough to end any relationship the
Relationship Advice From Your Single Friends Sevin Ketze wrote this
second it goes even slightly awry. They're not. The person that gives you this advice might be a great friend, but they're generally terrible with the opposite sex. You can even use them as an example; watch how they act with people they're attracted to, and then make a mental note to NEVER do whatever they just did.
a shitty idea. Don't factor sex in. If that's all that's saving the relationship, you're probably better off sacrificing the sex for your freedom. In the words of Michael Scott, “What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.” You'll be fine.
“She cheated? Aw, man...well, give her a second chance.” This friend is similar to the previous one, but with much more insecurity and a lot less common sense. They're accustomed to dealing with a lot of shit, and will advise you in ways that require you to deal with a lot as well. Cheating is pretty much the one thing you can’t do, so if your girlfriend can't even follow that rule...break it off! BREAK IT OFF!
“I can't believe you're complaining. Just be glad you have a boyfriend.” “Waaaah! Nobody wants to date me!” Maybe it's because your friend complains to every guy she meets about how guys are pigs and there's no good ones left. Don't listen to them knock the single life; it can be a really great thing. Experience it regularly, especially if you haven't flown solo in a while.
“She cheated? Aw, man...you should cheat back!” Whoa there, doofus. Two wrongs may make a right in pretty much every other facet of life, but this isn't one of them. You'll brand yourself forever as a douchebag cheater. Take the high road and break it off, them go have freaky sex with some doped-up townie girl. Hooray! Speaking of sex... “Well, how's the sex?” For this one, they're not giving you advice, but they're asking a question that will shape the advice they're about to give. If the sex is good, they're probably gonna recommend that you stick it out. That's
“Oh, that sucks.” When your friend can't even muster more than a few words, this is a good sign that you've complained to them a little too much, and they really have nothing else to say. Take your woes somewhere else and give them a break. You don't want to be known as the friend who won't shut the hell up about her crappy boyfriend, do you? So there you have it. I hope this will help you decipher and find some value in the things your friends have to say. Wait, actually, I'm single as well...so whatever I said was probably shitty advice, too.
What your Math Professor is Really Like
isaac wrote this
math professors around all day for a week), we’ve compiled some research that is, well, rather shocking. After leaving his 8 a.m. class, a professor who will not be named was seen getting into his Honda Odyssey and leaving the campus. Traveling to a cornfield just outside of Normal. The professor then began carefully bending the corn stalks to lay flat. After an hour of doing so, he had created what is known as a crop circle. Suspiciously exiting the field, he got back into his Odyssey and sped off into the Peoria sunrise. Later reconnecting with this professor, he was seen at Freshens purchasing a fruity smoothie, but not drinking it. Instead, he began studying the consistency and texture of the Styrofoam. Confused as we were, we felt we should leave this one alone.
Have you ever been sitting in class, staring at your math professor, his mustache bouncing up and down—feta cheese scattered on his lips and mustache hairs—wondering what he does after class? Oh sure, you can come see him during his office hours and find out how many kids he has and that he’s into soccer, but that doesn’t even begin to tell you the immensity of his human psyche. I mean…what is he really like? What kind of life does he live? These are the kinds of questions The Black Sheep asks itself every day. With a little research (inconspicuously following several
The second professor we observed was a short Calculus professor who never discussed their social life in class, so we were clearly intrigued. Following them after their noon session, they went to the McLean County Airport and bought a plane ticket to Las Vegas, Nevada. The Black Sheep was not going to miss out on the opportunity to go to Las Vegas, so we followed them. Arriving in Vegas, the professor checked into a room in the Luxor Casino, and made his way up to his room. Several hours later, he made his way downstairs to a limo that awaited him. The professor was dressed in an eggshell white suit and a pinstripe hat and sunglasses (it was like, way past sun down too). The professor took the limousine to the hotel/casino called The Rio. On the top floor was a raging crazy party (a rager, if you will), and we
followed him into the party. This was certainly not the professor we knew from class. We hung out with the professor once he entered a less-than-sober state, and got to know him pretty well. Apparently he hates his Dad. Once we both got back from Las Vegas, the professor resumed his natural mathy self, and went in to teach his noon class again. We followed our last subject—an Applied Mathematics professor—to a homeless shelter in downtown Bloomington. As entered the front of the building we snuck around back to peer into a window. When we looked in—get this—he was actually touching a homeless person. Not in a creepy way, either. He was, like, being compassionate and shit. It was all very weird, until he noticed us staring at him. When he saw us and screamed, “WHY DO YOU KEEP FOLLOWING ME EVERYWHERE? THIS IS ABSURD!” We decided it was a good time to leave. Our investigation continues, but it’s proved difficult when we’ve had to stay 300 feet away from him. Math professors clearly live a strange life outside of the classroom. Unfortunately we have not tested this hypothesis on other subjects, but it seems to be the case that with Math professors, what with the stress they have of solving deep algorithms and watching their kids play soccer; they must live pretty crazy second lives. Just a little something to make your math class more interesting. Cheers!
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Monopolize Your Partying
We all know that money is tight in college. You have to buy books, food, clothes, and enough beer and condoms to last you for those nights when you are lucky enough to find attractive alcoholic girls. Also known as every other night. When you’re not wetting your palate and/or cock, you’re spending cash charming honeys with your impressive ice sculpture collection, or whatever girls like. Point is, when you’re throwing money left and right, it couldn’t hurt to save some. Here’s the pro-tip for saving money in college: don’t use your own money.
You heard me. And no, I don’t mean flex dollars, because no girl will be impressed that you can swipe a debit card with your picture on it to buy her Subway, overpriced deli food, pop, candy, and $8.75 access to an all-you-can eat buffet of shit (I’m looking at you, Southside). There are several ways to use fake cash, and some of them are more effective than others. Let’s hope you can learn from my mistakes and skip straight to stacks of cash. Don’t try to make your own money. Even if you’re an art major no one is going to believe your hand-drawn bills are real cash. It’ll take you hours to draw, and all of that will be wasted when some dick tells you that you spelled “America” wrong when you’re buying a cup from him, even if you didn’t. Especially if you didn’t. Printing off bills won’t help either, because you’re either going to have to pay to print them somewhere or have your own printer and ink, both of which cost money. Most people aren’t dumb enough to confuse printer paper with real money anyway, especially if you don’t print the money
Mike Atkins wrote this
to scale. Claiming that your $5 bill is 8x11 because it’s a rare, extra-valuable misprint isn’t fooling anyone. Another pro-tip: Don’t rob a bank. Sure, movies like Oceans 11 make complex robberies seem “gnarly” and “rad,” but in the real world the kind of people you can get involved in a high-stakes heist don’t exactly look like Brad Pitt. Instead, you’ll have a toothless yokel or two helping you take down the State Farm Credit Union. Let’s say you’re smart enough to pull that off, well now you have to spend that money on honeys. Too bad the government can track that shit. You’ll wake up one morning staring down the barrel of a gun. You’ll think it’s your roommate Jeff screwing around with his airsoft pistol again, so you’ll try to kick him in the nuts—that’ll show him—then bang, you’re dead. The best way I’ve found takes a little investing, but is well worth it. You gotta spend money, to make money, as they say. Buy yourself a game of Monopoly (or just steal it from your younger sibling) but make sure you get the original version and not the shitty new debit card one. Parties don’t take debit, bro. Take out all the money and metal pieces then throw the rest in the trash. You saved the pieces because thimbles and dogs are the bomb. Take all $20 (the green ones) and put them in your wallet. Make sure you show up to parties at least 30 minutes late so the host is at least buzzed, then slip him some play dough as you grab a cup, insisting that he keep the change. Not only are you getting free booze, but you’re boosting your rep as the big spender, which as my
research showed before I went broke, proves to be very effective. And what do you do when your fake skrill starts running low? Demand a refund. Aggressively walk up to the host, poke him in the chest and scream, “what the hell is this, man? Where the hell is the Zima? I want my goddamn money back!” He’ll be shocked and confused, then he’ll refuse. Negotiate him down to $10, then scram. Now that’s how you make money.
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SHOUT OUTS! To the unskilled "drummer" "playing" in SS on Friday around 3:30 pm: PLEASE STOP. It sounded like a 3 year old jacked up on skittles got ahold of some drumsticks and started spastically beating the shit out of his toy drum set. Actually that would have been better! To the fool who threw the dead possum on my porch, you've got a dead raccoon coming your way. Hood, enter in the mexicalli rap contest! You can't lose if you're the only participant! Dear guy that fell in someone else's puke at the Library, thank you for the best laugh of my life. Girl in the blue bra and nose ring at the underwear and overalls party, you're sexy as shit. Wish I could dance with you again. - The cute redheaded girl Dear Roomie. When I am sick, please do not wake me at 1 am to have another inane phone call with your boyfriend. Also, if I passively aggressively wake up and play tetris, it is a point- not permission to skype him and talk to his cat. Sincerely, WTF Boy from Daddio's - what's your name again? And can I have my bra back, please? Dave, I do remember your name and I do remember the camera. Thanks for nothing! -Holly Happy bday K-Fel, you better believe we're re-enacting last year's debacle, personal shot glasses and all! -Brit SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
Why Don’t I Miss Steve Jobs?
Mike Atkins wrote this
As I’m sure you’re all aware, Apple co-founder Steve Jobs died of pancreatic cancer on October 5, 2011. If you didn’t know, how the hell did you not find out? If you didn’t already know, you must not have a Facebook, because everyone’s status for the next three days involved Steve Jobs in some way. And I mean everyone. I had a string of 26 consecutive Steve Jobs statuses in my news feed. Except for me. I’m clearly different. Which led me to wonder—am I the only person not affected by Steve Jobs’ death? Don’t get me wrong, I understand that Steve Jobs was a visionary; he revolutionized the way we think about computers, phones, and fruit. Every American uses a product that Steve Jobs has had a hand in creating—except me. I’ve never owned an iPod, iPad, Macbook, or toys that could talk and have emotions. I’ve never experienced the joy of the clicky noise grinding my ears to death as I spin the iPods wheel to select a song, or the pleasure of being able to throw away a relatively new expensive item for a slightly better and more expensive replacement model eight months later. Those are what you people like about Apple products, right? That and knowing that your product was created by a God-among-men wearing a black turtleneck. “We get it, you have not respect for human life,” you say? Not true. Jobs was just someone I didn’t really care about. There are certain people that I would miss if they were dead. Like for example: Matt Damon: Not only did he star in classics like Good Will Hunting, The Departed, and The Bourne trilogy, but he’s also hot as hell. It would be a travesty to deprive the world of a man so sexy. I mean, have you seen his abs? Mmm. Without his strong-jawed acting, America would be a third world country by now. Don’t think about it, just accept it. The world has yet to see Damon in his prime, as the voice of Bill the Krill in Happy Feet Two, and we all know we don’t need another Heath Ledger on our hands. Neil Armstrong: He was the first man on the moon! The fucking moon, for fuck’s sake! If you could prove to me that he’s not the biggest badass ever, I will kill you because you will have disillusioned my entire reality. Not only did he prove with Buzz Aldrin that second isn’t the best, but he single handily managed to take the credit for an entire NASA team’s work. A NASA team that was using technology less powerful than what’s in your cell phone, mind you. But screw those guys, they’re nerds. You don’t praise the guy who invented your phone, you—wait, nevermind. Bad example. Moving on. My dog: I love my dog. He’s adorable. I’ll readily mourn the loss of any puppy before that of a man who had no influence over my life. My dog pissed next to me on the couch two days ago, and I’d still miss him more. He was literally lying down next to me and then decided, “Hmm, I don’t think they get that I have a bladder infection yet. I’d better piss here.” He later thanked me for noticing the infection I couldn’t have noticed because I’ve been 3 hours away for a month by trying to eat my face. He also thinks it’s funny to come dangerously close to biting the tip of my dick when he runs up with a toy. Because that’s how fetch works, right guys? Case in point, there are so many people you should miss more than Steve Jobs: your family, your favorite actors, your pets, astronauts, and that hot chick two rows in front of you in chemistry who hasn’t figured out that it’s you throwing paper into her low cut shirts so she shows more of her huge tits when she fishes it out. You should miss her A LOT more.
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Lunker's SATURDAY: $6 Vodka Lemonade Mason Jars $6 Rum & Coke Mason Jars $2.75 Corona & Pacifico $2 Ursus Shots
FRIDAY: $3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials
MONDAY: $5 - Slice and a Pop
$2.50 Leinenkugel Pints $2 PBR Bottles Open Mic @ 10pm
$6 Red Bull Vodka Mason Jars $2 Miller Family Bottles
$2.25 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime
Buy an 18” pizza get a free appetizer up to $5 value
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$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts
$6 Long Islands Mason Jar $2 Ursus Shots
$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials
Buy one pizza get one at equal or lesser value half off delivery only
$3 Pints of Spiced Rum Drinks $3 Corona and Corona Lt. Bottles No Cover!
$4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm
$6 Vodka Lemonade Mason Jars $6 Rum & Coke Mason Jars $2.75 Corona & Pacifico $2 Ursus Shots
$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special
$11 - 16” 1 topping delivery only
NO COVER EVER!
$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special
Buy 14” or larger pizza get a free 2 liter
NO COVER EVER!
$1.75 Miller Lite Pints
$9 Domestic Buckets
$3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs
$5 - Slice and a Pop
$3 32oz Drafts of Bud Lt./Miller Lt. $3 16oz Wells $2 Vegas Bombs No Cover!
$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts
$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls
$5 - 8 Wings and a Soda
$2 You Call Its No Cover!
$2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm
$5 Premium Pitchers
$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs
$5 - Redbird Bread + Fries
$4 40oz. Bottles of Bud Lt. and Miller Lt. No Cover!
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SATURDAY: $4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm
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gam about music, sex... and drinking e (lik T EN NT CO ER LL KI
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Crazy Bird 14” 1-Topping 10 Wings
16” 1-Topping 15 Wings
football frenzy 1-Topping Medium Pizza, 10 Wings & 2 Liter
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NOT VALID W/ ANY OTHER OFFER. EXP. 11/30/11
gorilla tested, gorilla approved! 1520 E College Ave | Normal www.Gogorillapizza.com 309.451.gogo Open Late | Carry out/Delivery
By Matt Andrews
Relationship Status: Pending Major: Speech Pathology What Celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Nicki Minaj, then maybe her eyes will go back into her head. What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job: “Hey, my name’s Chance. Do I have one?” Walt Disney character do you most want to hook up with: The Beast…I mean he’s a tad hairy but I want to be Belle! What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job: Someone slid down the bar while attempting to order a drink and hit their face right on the bar. If you could create a holiday, what would it be: National Bartender’s Day, where the bar guests had to drink whatever the bartender wanted, and tip well! They’d also get a chance to switch places to come behind the bar and serve us. (While we’d go on the other side waving money at them for a drink and complain that there’s too much ice.)
What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: Now why would I put that in print? If you could have any superpower, what would it be: The ability to transform my body into a supermodel’s with little to no working out, and the ability to perfectly manage my time. Wait, is that not a super power? How many 4-year olds do you think you can take in a fight: Considering I have five younger siblings…I’d say at least 4. Best way to try and get a free drink from you: If you can guess what my favorite drink is. And if you guess vodka water, you’re paying double. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be: “Stay or Leave” by DMB If you could compare yourself to one TV character who would it be and why: Lake Bell (Rachel) from How To Make It In America, because I’ve been told by multiple people that her character reminds them of me.
recipe for disaster:
Teeth The infamous film, Teeth, needs no introduction. It’s popular among stoned high school kids with vagina obsessions and dental hygienists who are horrified at the thought of teeth being subjected to the horrors of down below. But now, thanks to alcohol, this film can be enjoyed by anyone! Number of players: Two. You can play by yourself, but that would be really awkward if your mom walked down into the basement and caught you watching Teeth alone. What you need: The DVD Teeth, shot glasses, and Pinnacle Marshmallow (To play on the vagina theme, you pussy). How to play: - Put in the movie! (They key is to decipher whether it is VHS or DVD. Proceed accordingly). - Every time the word “vagina” is said, you must take a half shot (I say half shot because vagina is used liberally in this movie. I’m looking out for you!). - Every time you watch an appendage get bitten off by Dawn’s vag-chompers (I wonder if she got braces on those things…) you must chug a mixed drink for the entire duration of the injured person’s dramatic bloodcurdling screaming. - If at any point in time a viewer hides his or her eyes from the graphic images of severed genitals, they must take a full shot, because that’s super embarrassing. - Any time you roll your eyes at Dawn’s blatant innocence take another half a shot. Honor code here folks, but seriously – who is this girl kidding? The Game Ends When: The movie does.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
Legend has it that in 1995, a wise, old luchador named Adalberto Montoya attended a Phish concert in Mexico City. When he wasn’t wooing women in the ring and making piñatas for his niños, he loved to cook. At the concert, several kids recognized Adalberto and begged him to fill their stomachs with some paella or enchiritos. You see they had been smoke La Marijuana. Up to the challenge, Adalberto gathered all of his supplies and created El Nacharido. What you need: Nacho chips, huge flour tortillas, cheddar cheese, colby-jack cheese, sour cream, salsa, jalapeños, lettuce, pizza rolls, ground beef, liquid cheese, onions, tomatoes, chicken fingers, guacamole, and Taco Bell packets. Health Content: The calories might be as hefty as your County Market bill, but it’ll be worth it! Directions: - Cook ground beef in a hot pan on the stove until all of the pink is gone. - Stick frozen chicken fingers and pizza rolls in the oven for about 15 minutes. - Layer chips on a huge pan and melt the variety of cheeses on them. - Next, once the cheese is melted layer the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, beef, jalapenos, sour cream, guacamole, chicken fingers, and pizza rolls onto the nacho chips. - After everything is all layered, roll everything into huge tortillas and cover them in Taco Bell sauce. Now you have yourself a crazy nacho-burrito that all your friends will be jealous of… until you puke it up moments later.
Maybe we’re just getting too old, but the popularity of some mainstream music really baffles us these days. Hell, we understand why Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa are “the bee’s knees,” as kids are wont to say. These six artists? Not so much.
mumford & sons
Artist: Drake Known For:”Find Your Love,” looking tired and sad all of the time. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Rapping an entire bar then pausing like this…to deliver a shitty punch line. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If a million 4-year-olds chained to a million crayons were locked in a room, how long would it take them to write a Drake song, 25 minutes? 30?” Poetic Death: Everyone—from Lil’ Wayne to Nicki Minaj—who carried Drake on a track would take turns literally carrying Drake to a set of railroad tracks, where he’d finally meet his demise. Artist: Mumford & Sons Known For: “Little Lion Man,” being vaguely earnest. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Staaaaarting ouuuuuut playyyying a sonnnnng reallllly slowwwww, thenplayingthechorusreallyfast. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If you sang all your lyrics at the same pace, couldn’t each and every word get their due?” Poetic Death: Tearfully, the band sacrifices themselves for a cause greater than themselves—one that flames out a few months later, like the Occupy Wall Street movement.
Artist: LMFAO Known For: “Party Rock Anthem,” enjoying shots in Miami. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Looking and sounding like fucking idiots. Loudly. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Redfoo, SkyBlu, you both dress like your parents’ spent their lives shunning you. Sorry, that isn’t a question, just wasn’t sure if you realized that or not.” Poetic Death: Major Lazer challenges the LMFAO boys to a drink-off, only to trick them into pounding shots of liquid cyanide.
Artist: Katy Perry Known For:”I Kissed A Girl,” “California Gurls,” marrying Russell Brand, tits. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Catchy pop tracks with hooks and videos that imply women are sexually closeted idiots. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Whose entire routine is more of a gimmick, yours, or your husband’s?” Poetic Death: No longer popular or famous, Perry offs herself in one last attention grab. It fails to generate the headlines she oh-so-desperately craves.
Artist: Dropkick Murphys Known For: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” being the musical equivalent of The Boondock Saints. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Wishing desperately to be from Ireland, using an accordion and bagpipes without a hint of irony. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “You’re the kind of assholes who roots for Notre Dame because you’re 5th generation Irish, aren’t you?” Poetic Death: Alcohol poisoning, via Jameson suppositories.
Artist: Bassnectar Known For: Being an integral part of the dubstep trend that’s sweeping the nation. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Having a shtick and a light show that mask glaring musical inability. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Did you and Beyonce mean to get your extensions from the same guy, or was that just some sort of happy coincidence?” Poetic Death: A fan—while rolling their balls off on MDMA—sticks a turntable needle through the heart of a voodoo doll made from his hair, killing him.
Dan Whitford of Cut Copy
The Australian electronic band Cut Copy has been blowing up in recent years, probably due to rave reviews from Pitchfork as well as picking up traction from the cool kids who follow the site. We got to chat with lead singer Dan Whitford about electronic evolution, writing lyrics to classic songs and playing tennis against Franz Ferdinand. The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in the States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. TBS: You guys do have such a great balance between using the synth samples and beats with the instruments that you play. Was it a natural collaboration of those two sounds? DW: It was tricky in a way because there really was no blueprint for that kind of combination. Finding a way to combine those things was the biggest challenge. For me it feels like fusion, one of the real dirty words in music, and I guess the idea of fusing synth and rock music probably could turn into something pretty bad. So thankfully we’ve found a really tasteful way of doing it and a way that was works for us and works for a lot of other people. It’s definitely not a mathematical operation, it very much goes by feel. TBS: Your music is super upbeat and fun to dance to, and it’s interesting because you’re from laid back Australia. Did that relaxed culture have an effect on the music you play now? DW: I think it has an effect on our personalities, I don’t know whether musically it did. Our music is a reflection of the music that we love. When I was starting out and being really passionate about music was about when The Avalanches were doing shows in Australia and just before they did their first album was when I first met them and came into contact with them, and I found their music really uplifting and inspiring and really upbeat as well. It almost felt like that sensation musically was something that I would like to express as well, in Cut Copy. In our own way, we felt like we were doing the same thing.
Someone Still Loves You, Boris Yeltsin Tape Club
And we still really love Boris Yeltsin. The midwestern indie pop group Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin has got to be one of the most unappreciated groups in all of music, ever. Okay, maybe not ever, but they definitely deserve more praise then they receive. They started playing music together in high school, way the hell back in 1999, and released their first album Broom in 2005 and have continued to generally put out upbeat, quality tunes. Their 4th studio album, Tape Club, is no exception. Interestingly enough, the 26-track long album features nearly half of the Gwyn & Grace EP that was actually put out by the guys years before Broom. The 7-track Gwyn & Grace EP is a whole other subset of awesome for SSLYBY, so it was a surprise for me to hear some of those songs re-done on their latest album, finally showing off some of their amazing hidden songs from way back when. The album starts off with a rendition of William Blake’s poem, “The Clod and the Pebble,” and the track is just as poignant and beautiful as the poem itself. The album continues to go on with Gwyn and Grace re-masters snuck in every so often but with plenty of solid new material
as well. “Sweet Owl” is a great, quintessential SSLYBY song — soft, whispering vocals with familiar, catchy background music. “Half-Awake (Deb)” is another awesome track that is upbeat and poppy but without the annoyance of trying to be too poppy (circa most of their songs from Let it Sway). The Wilmington demo of “Dead Right” from their album Pershing was another surprisingly great remix of an old song, performed in a refreshing new key and with slight variations that make the song sound like new. Though SSLYBY dropped the ball on their previous studio release, they are back at it and as good as ever with Tape Club, adding to their collection of classic albums. I can only hope that these guys start to get more credit then they deserve, while still secretly hoping they stay underground to continue making awesome music. Sounds Like: A really awesome secret that you don’t mind keeping to yourself. Download: The Clod and the Pebble, Sweet Owl, Back in the Saddle Listen to it When: You want to walk around in your undies, or get it on, either way.
Beyond the Sun - Chris Isaak Come to the Well - Casting Crowns The Great Escape Artist - Jane's Addiction Hurry Up, We're Dreaming - M83
The Smiths Complete - The Smiths Dystopia - Iced Earth Revelation Road - Shelby Lynn Rebels on the Run - Montgomery Gentry
TBS: You mention that The Avalanches were a big inspiration for you. What else inspires your music? DW: I think it’s a unique combination of stuff, just being inspired by different areas of music, art, film, just different things across the board. A lot comes from bands that we love. For instance Talking Heads, we listened to a lot of Talking Heads in making Zonoscope. It’s just a bit of a patchwork of our experiences and things that we’re inspired by and hopefully just our viewpoint in reinterpreting all of these things ends up being something unique even if really, at the end of the day, we’re just music fans. TBS: Did you write the song “Need You Now” about somebody in particular? DW: One morning I sort of wrote the basis of that track, and had some synths and some keyboards and a drum machine and just kind of penned out the whole thing while I was waiting for Tim and Ben to meet me at my house. And in the few hours that I was waiting for them I ended up putting that track together and doing some quick vocals that sort of fit with it. And, essentially, the vocals were as it appears in the final track, I didn’t change the lyrics at all. So it wasn’t specifically written about someone, it just came off the top of my head that morning. But it fit so well, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. We tried a few alternatives but it just didn’t sound right. TBS: Man, that’s awesome. That’s such a good song, and it’s cool that it kind of came out of nowhere. DW: Yeah, and that’s one of the things I was worried about. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a classic song but when you read about other people who’ve written classic songs often they say they do say it comes out of nowhere, or that the best songs happen really quickly and it’s almost as if it was meant to be. TBS: What else do you like to do when you aren’t playing music? DW: I like to get outdoors a bit, because I spend most of my time indoors when we’re touring. We have this thing we organized, before we started touring, where me, Mitchell and Ben from the band and various other musicians and DJs would play tennis against each other once a week. It got to the point that if there were touring bands or DJs that would be available, we’d get them to come down and play against us. TBS: What other bands have you guys gotten to play tennis with you? DW: We played against the guys from Franz Ferdinand when they were in Australia last, so that was pretty cool. TBS: Who won? DW: I think it was one set off, so we didn’t have a deciding set. They took the first set and we took the second, and I felt like we were going to come back and beat them, but it wasn’t on the scoreboard so it’s hard to say. TBS: Drink of choice? DW: These days I’ve been enjoying red wine before the show, I like a good Merlot. It’s nice, smooth, easy on the vocal cords and provides a good romantic, artistic vibe in the band room. Spirits can get you a little too wasted before the show.
jess sommers wrote this
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THe top ten
Ways to Make Your Trip Look like It Was On Purpose 10) Check The Scene If, in the words of my old CPR instructor “the scene is safe,” then proceed with whatever it was that you were doing before the sidewalk stepped in front of you. In other words, look around to see if anybody saw you trip. If nobody saw, then it never happened. 9) Scientifically Reason With It If you tripped, then it was because the sidewalk was cracked due to a recent earthquake that happened while everyone was sleeping and nobody remembers it except you because you woke up to go pee. “Just trust me bro, my roommate is an earth major, he explained it all last night.” 8) Laugh (Normally) Depending on how you laugh, you’ll get a different result. If you laugh normally, it’ll show those around you that you’ve got a great sense of humor and can laugh at your own mistakes. But then if you laugh really loud in a weird, maniacal way, then people aren’t going to laugh at you, let alone even talk to you. Ever.
Third-Party Game Controllers: Because You Don't Care About Your Friends Sevin Ketze wrote this “Yeah, it looks pretty bad. I don't know why Adam Sandler thinks he can revive the playing-both-genders thing. It's like bringing back blackface. Hey Jack, you got your Xbox fixed! Cool! You guys wanna play some Gears or something? Someone wanna pass me a controller? I haven't actually played the latest one yet, I've been really—uhhh, what's this? This isn't—could I have a normal controller? Well, because this weighs like an ounce and it's retarded. You really need a reason? Make Keith take this one. Keith, take this one. Keith! Because you fucking suck already and it's not gonna matter, that's why! Casey! Dude, you owe me, remember how I got you drunk and listened to your bitching after your girlfriend tried to kill you? Come on! Well...shit. If you're all gonna be like that...then...okay, how do I turn this on? Wait, there's a cord? I gotta plug it—are you shitting me? What year is this? Aaaaand the cord doesn't reach the couch. Sweet. I'll just sit in the middle of the carpet. No man, it's cool, I know I have a bad back and everything, but I'll just sit in the middle of goddamn nowhere with zero lumbar support.
it. It's right under the patented “vowel row”, in case I wanted to play Jeopardy or something. God, there are so many buttons. It's like staring at a honeycomb. The hell—who started the game? I can't move. I don't know, I can't move! OH, THANKS KEITH. HEY GUYS, KEITH SAYS I BETTER TRY THE ANALOG STICK. Dick. No, you're the dick. Hey Jack, remember when you had a flat tire in the winter and I drove twenty miles to bring you a jack? Yeah, but that's cool, I'll use the MadCatz controller. Does this thing have a manual? Oh, look at that, it's stowed away in the patented in-controller “instruction indentation.” Wow, this is...this is surprisingly thick. Table of contents... using the analog stick...appendix XII. Okay, it says I have to unlock it by rotating the tulley toggle, which is...inside. It's inside the controller, and we need a screwdriver. Neato. Good thing there's a patented “MadCatzMadDriver” taped to the manual. How many things did they patent? Jesus.
"Nothing says "badass" like coming back to your room with a pillowcase full of mini-Reese's."
Oh, that's neat. The start button is on the back. Awesome. Awesome work, MadCatz engineers. Truly revolutionary. Hey Jack, remember how you always drink my beer and never throw in or buy me a case? I'm just saying, man, Keith never does anything for you and he gets to use a controller that wasn't made by slave kids. Hang on, guys, we can't start yet. I still have to use my Q-Pad to select a character. Okay, I think that's... oh, wait, I forgot to press the “N” button to ready up. Does anybody know where the “N” button is? Ah, found
Hey Jack, remember in eighth grade when your mom was in the hospital? I'd come to your house every day, and we'd just sit in your living room in silence watching Nicktoons reruns. You'd laugh, but I could tell there wasn't sincerity in it. You just wanted to show that you were okay. But you weren't. And every night, I'd sit in the hospital hallway while I heard you crying inside her room. You'd come back outside when the nurse your mom needed to rest, and you'd collapse against the wall. And we'd cry together. We were all each other had back then. But yeah, just go ahead and give me your shittiest controller. That's cool.”
7) Blame It On Someone Else This one is pretty simple. If you trip, blame it on the person you’re walking with. Blame it on the fact that they walk too slow or too fast. If you’re walking alone, then blame it on a bystander for looking too good. You even make a friend outta this one. 6) Pretend You Are On The Phone It was the vibration of your phone ringing in your pocket that made you trip, right? Right. Just grab your phone out of your pocket and answer it like you would any other phone call because your phone is actually ringing, right? Right. Even throw in some unusual conversation about getting “the stuff” or start yelling at your mother on the phone. But you wouldn’t do that, now would you? 5) Say “Round Two” And Do It Again This one takes a bit of confidence, or at least pretending to be confident. Once you trip, catch yourself as soon as possible and stop and announce in the manliest voice you can, “Round Two” and proceed to kick the ground again, because that’s what you meant to do in the first place, right? 4) Go With It Just go with it, brah. You know, if you’re fallin’ then that’s where life wants to take you, man. Shit man, there may even be some Natty Light down there or some sweet babes you can kiss on once your lips meet the concrete. 3) Follow Up With Something Worse Okay, so you just tripped and you’re in mid-air, frozen in time, thinking about what to do next, because that’s how life works. People are going to laugh so hard at your mistake because you’re a big joke. Only assholes trip, did you know that? So what do you do next? Make a bigger mistake. You just tripped? Well, now its time to attempt your first cartwheel. Let’s see which mistake everyone is going to remember. 2) Spin Move By far, this one contains the best aftereffect. So you trip, right? As you come out of your trip, yell out whatever button it is to a spin move in your favorite sports game, followed by the actual phrase, “Spin move!” and end with you actually spinning. People will think you’re hilarious, and an incredible Madden 12 player. In fact, you probably will get a million friend requests on Xbox Live tonight. 1) Don’t Get Back Up Okay, let’s get real here. Who’s gonna laugh at a dead guy? Certainly not me. And I hope you wouldn’t either, because that’s a total dick move. Just trip, fall to the ground, and stay there. Stay there as long as you want, because the longer you wait, the more sympathy chocolates and balloons and “Get Well” teddy bears you’ll get from everyone.
Will Holloman wrote this
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R O N E
26 27 28 29
30 31 32
ACROSS 2 5 8 9 12 15 19 22 24 26 27
South Carolina capital Candy pieces in a bar. Slippery digits Jelly's sandwich companion plus drink container. Trio team Famous Yankee Nectar of bee. Oompa Loompa Galaxy He's good to the Mrs Almost Tony Soprano's wife.
28 29 30 31 32
Every other friday Bball term Peaceful bird Friend's star Joey's favorite Synonym of heaps
DOWN 1 3 4 6 7 10
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chew it Made up word Actor Ledger Two for me Chatters, whispers, laughs Wealthy candybar Give me a break When you feel like a nut Famous New York street This heirress was on Seinfeld Overheard at studios
Orchestra Located in Penn Snap, ______, pop Minty cake Superman's day-to-day name. The sound you make when you
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W O N H H E N R Y
F M I F T H C A V R E N U L E
A Z I N G P B U T T E R F I N G E R P U T B U T T E R C U P P R E M U S K E T E E R S N W M S C I I N H X N I Y A T C L P K M A E O T R N T T S G O O D B A R I J K E A Y O E Y F A S T B I V E T O B
DOWN 1 Orchestra 3 Located in Penn 4 Snap, ______, pop 6 Minty cake 7 Superman’s day-to-day name 10 The sound you make when you chew it 11 Made up word 13 Actor Ledger 14 Two for me 16 Chatters, whispers, laughs 17 Wealthy candybar 18 Give me a break 20 When you feel like a nut 21 Famous New York street 23 This heiress was on Seinfeld 25 Overheard at studios T H R E E E A O T N T O H O N E B H A B A R U R N D M R E P A Y D G R D O V E B A N M O U N D
ACROSS 2 South Carolina capital 5 Candy pieces in a bar 8 Slippery digits 9 Jelly’s sandwich companion plus drink container 12 Trio team 15 Famous Yankee 19 Nectar of bee 22 Oompa Loompa 24 Galaxy 26 He’s good to the Mrs. 27 Almost Tony Soprano’s wife 28 Every other friday 29 B-Ball term 30 Peaceful bird 31 Friend’s star Joey’s favorite 32 Synonym of heaps
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