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Volume 1, Issue 3 | 9/28/11 - 10/19/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com

The

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Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

your f irst college party!!! An awkward night of spazziness and douchebaggery

Sevin Ketze wrote this “Is this the place? Huh. The lights are all off. Hang on; I'll call him...Hello? Yeah, it's me! We're at 506 Market, is that the right place? Well, why are all the lights off? I'm looking at it right now. No, all of them. They're all off. What? Oh, we're in Bloomington. What? Market Street in Normal? Hang on...hey, dude, we're supposed to be at Market street in Normal—what's that? Okay, yeah, I'll tell him. --He says we should probably get out of here before we get shot—yeah, I just told him. Okay, we're on our way, see you soon.” “Okay, this is definitely the place. Dude, check it out, the front door is propped open with an empty fifth! How cool is that? Is his apartment upstairs or downstairs? Well, it looks like there are more people up FUCK, what the hell, did that fifth just shatter? I guess the door closed too hard on it. Uhhhh, should we clean it up? Ugh, we're gonna look so stupid. Hang on, man...this might sound weird, but...what if we leave it, and then when girls walk outside with their heels off, they'll cut their feet and we can offer to carry them home! Dude, we're SO IN!” “Wow, it smells really bad in here. Where's the cup guy? Excuse me, do you know where to get cups? Does anybody know where to get cups? Where'd you get that cup? From who? Could you say that one more time? Brad? I don't know who that is! Could you describe what he looks like? Dude, rude, did you see that, that guy just ignored me. Eh, let's just chill until the cup guy comes by. Whoa, check it out, there's an open spot next to that girl on the couch. Alright, dude, check out how it's done. I'm gonna put the moves on.”

“Man, did you see that? These girls are such bitches. I put my heart on the line, and she just gets up and walks away without saying a word. Maybe we should hit the dance flo'! Floor. The dance floor. I don't know, dude, that's just what people say now. I'm trying to not look like a freshman, okay? Quit being such a douche. Okay, let's...do you smell that? I think that's weed. Dude, I think people have weed! We should totally smoke weed! It's gonna be SO AWESOME!” “Are you ready for the best news ever? My buddy Mike is here, and HE HAS WEED. And dude, it gets better...he says he has TWO G's OF IT. Can you believe it? Two thousand dollars worth! Wow! This is gonna be GREAT!” “Do you feel anything yet? Yeah, me neither. I bet this is that shitty Mexican cartel weed that's always in the news. Man, I bet like thirty people died to get this weed across the border, and I'm not even high, this is such a...wait, hang...hang on...aahhhh....aaaahahhhaha! Hahahahahahahhahaha! Aaahhhahahahahahah! I AM SO HIGH. I AM SO HIGH! AAHAHHHHHHHH! Dude, we should get GIRLS to smoke more with us! HEY! HEY LADIES! WE ARE SMOKING WEED IN THE BEDROOM! IF YOU WANT TO JOIN US, OUR BUDDY MIKE HAS PLENTY OF WEED FOR ALL OF YOU! WOOHOO!” “Asshole. Fucking asshole. If I wasn't supposed to bring people, he should have said something. Didn't have to punch me in the ear. And now I have cuts all over my feet from that glass. No, I don't want you to carry me. Let's just go back to Manchester and try and pick up girls at the Subway.”

“Hey there, pretty lady. How-”

Other stuff

Inside

05: A Guide to Longboarding at ISU Find Normal’s one hill, try to longboard down it really fast.

17: we Interview: Kids These daYS What are kids these days up to? Starting bands called Kids These Days.

21: The Best Secret Dorm Pets

Really, any pet at all will do.


02

Table of

contents

Page 4

Page 9

What hip jams are blasting the cool waves in dorm rooms across ISU?

How to seduce that certain someone into conSENSUAL sex.

Dorm Music:

9

Page 11

Get a Job, Hippie Student

The Hook-Up Playlist:

Page 14

Bartender of the Month: We take a laughable look at the Tiffany has all the dudes at Chaser’s running after her. jobs ISU offers its students.

11

Pages 12 & 13 The World Famous Bar Grid!

15

Get your drink on every day of the week, fo' real cheap.

Page 15

Page 16

Page 21

Page 22

If I Ever Had Friends Over...

New Show Schizo: Good thing that’s never going to What you "should" be watching on TV this fall. happen. Top 10: Reasons for Dropping a Class at ISU

Seek-n-Find! Find the hidden items and yourself some pizza!

ARE YOU READY FOR OPEN LEASING SEASON? WHAT IS OPEN LEASING? Open leasing is when non-Young America residents can lease one of our great apartments or houses!

MEMORIZE THIS SCHEDULE!

G N I V I L T N E D STU DONE RIGHT!

SEPT. 5TH - 30TH: Current YAR Residents can renew their leases. OCT. 1ST - 4TH: Current YAR Residents can lease any available property. STARTING OCT. 5TH AT 9AM: All available YAR properties are available to anyone!

311 S. Main, Normal, IL | (309) 454.2338 | yarealty.com


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Word of the week Shapeshipster:

Canolas Jest Thorns

Deporting Shove Jolt

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: A guy or girl who is far too eager to fall prey to a new trend. Sentence: “Brett used to wear his Von Dutch hat to be cool, then he wore his ironic shirt to be cool, now he wears his Von

Dutch hat and his ironic shirt to be uncool, which is now cool. He’s such a Shapeshipster."


04

Group Costume Ideas from us to you liam johnson wrote this Just like Wal-Mart and Meijer, we decided to shell out stuff about Halloween about a month or so early this year, but let’s face it: coming up with an amazing group costume idea is difficult without the entire unwavering dedication of the entire group. If even just one of those fuck ups you call friends drops the ball, the entire weekend is ruined, all because last year Steve decided that just wearing a Beanie Baby snake around your neck is good enough to be He Who Must Not Be Named.

there in the heart. But this Halloween your dream can momentarily become your reality. Just take all the other people who have been denied access to any of the elite fraternities here on campus and study the frat of your choice. Learn their habits, their mannerisms, pick your favorite brother and dress like how he would for Halloween. Then go with your new brothers and live the life of a brother for at least one night. Never forget to say what your letters are!

But don’t worry your precious little heads; we’re here to help you start planning your awesome group costume ideas early. There are many brilliant ideas you can go with, and there’s something for every sort of group here, we have something for all sizes!

The Hungry Hungry Hippos If you are a large guy just find a couple of other Fluffy individuals like yourself and deck out in your favorite color. And then eat everything you can the entire night. Make it a game! At whatever party you go to, raid their kitchen and gulp down as much munchies your paws can find. Whoever wins can feel a little less ashamed with the choices they have made.

"If you want to be really creative go as a war, and duke it out amongst yourselves!"

A WNBA team To pull of this hot Halloween costume all you need are basketball jerseys and a dream. But dolling up and wearing the jerseys are definitely not enough. To truly get into the spirit of a WNBA team you totally have to act really clumsy and uncoordinated. And be sure to score fewer than 20 points before halftime. The Periodic table This might be a difficult group costume to pull off due to the amount of people you need, but I’ll assume for a moment you are close friends with everyone on your Facebook and will have no trouble finding people. The hardest part about this costume is to keep everyone in order, because we can’t have plutonium and argon just hanging about hahahahahahahahaha….but seriously. After you guys group up and label yourselves properly, make a scared high school student memorize you before a big test, to truly get the feel of being a real periodic table. An Entire Fraternity Not all of us made it into Delta Chi, and that hurts right

Captain Olimar and his Pikmin For those of you Nintendo aficionados still around, then you will appreciate this costume idea. One of you will dress as the muted Spaceman, and the rest will dress as his loyal plant based alien slaves: the Pikmin. Any enemies on the horizon? Throw your little buddies at the foe, sacrificing their lives for the safety of your own. Look to the stars often, hoping that one day you can go home again. The Countries of the World Get 250+ or so of your closest buds and dress up as a representation of your favorite country! Scotland? Bagpipes, Kilt, and an unanswered sense of manliness. Australia? Just the unanswered sense of manliness. America? Go around telling everyone what to do, or just yell a lot I guess? If you want to be really creative go as a war, and duke it out amongst yourselves! Happy Halloween dear readers!

DOWNLOAD OUR iPHONE OR ANDROID APP AND STAY ENTERTAINED ALL YEAR LONG, NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE...SERIOUSLY, YOU COULD BE STUCK DRIVING YOUR STUPID ROOMMATE AROUND AND REALLY NEED TO READ ABOUT THE BEST "NEW" PLACE TO STICK YOUR FINGERS, AND WE'VE GOT YOU COVERED. YOU COULD BE SITTING AT A LAME ACCOUNTING STUDY SESSION AND KNOW THAT THE ONLY WAY TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD IS WITH A STELLAR DRINKING GAME, AND GUESS WHAT, WE HAVE THAT TOO. AND AT THE END OF THAT SESSION WHEN YOUR WEIRD PARTNER WHO IS ALWAYS MAKING A MOVE ON YOU PASSES OUT WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON, YOU CAN SNAP A PIC AND SEND IT STRAIGHT TO PARTY PICS FROM YOUR PHONE. OH YEAH, WE HAVE ALL THE BAR SPECIALS, TOO. DID WE FORGET TO MENTION THAT? SEE HOW HANDY WE ARE? SEARCH: BLACK SHEEP MOBILE AND GET HAPPY.


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Ten Things Freshmen Should Know

05

Sevin Ketze wrote this

Freshmen, you're five weeks into your first semester of college, and I bet you're thinking you're finally getting the hang of it. And, you are! But, there's always a bit more to learn. Here are a few things that you'll be glad you learned. 1) 707 don't give a shit. I spent a whole year and a half sending my 21 year old friends in to the store with a wad of cash while I sat in the car like an idiot. Then, one night at 707, a friend asked me “the fuck are you doing?” and told me to come inside and help him carry shit. At 707 Liquors, as long as the person handing the cash over is 21, everything is cool. 2) Pay attention to the environment of parties. If you see people drinking on the outside, if the music is so loud you can't hear anybody, if you can smell weed before you're even inside, bail. No party is worth getting busted for. 3) We can tell you're sharing a cup, dick. $5 for as much beer as you can drink isn't a bad deal. You might think you're being savvy and pulling a fast one on us, but we who throw parties notice that. You're an asshole. The money we make from the party is payment for the risk we're taking hosting your drunken underage ass. 4) “Hey, I have that same Pulp Fiction poster!” So does everybody. It's awesome. 5) Passive aggression is the best kind of aggression. Roommate being a jackass? Rub your nuts on his pillowcase and pee a little in his mouthwash. This makes you feel better and feel like you've “gotten even” while avoiding conflict. 6) Be professional in class. Just because the professors don't call you out on texting or packing up early doesn't mean it's okay. When they're grading your essays, they might think twice about giving an A or cutting a break to a girl who can't pay attention for three hours a week. 7) Don't evacuate for fire alarms. This is by far the stupidest piece of advice I'll give, but

it's one I was happy to live by for the year I lived in Watterson, where it practically went off weekly at the worst hours. When the alarm goes off, just put on headphones to drown out the sound and keep doing what you're doing. Look out the window every few minutes; do the people outside look panicked, or are they all staring at the building? If not, carry on. Some idiot just microwaved their popcorn for too long…again. 8) Follow the golden rule with your roommate. In regards to #5, make sure you're doing all you can to make sure you're not forcing your roommate to do this to you. Is your roommate blasting music on his stupid Beats headphones so loud that you can't even comprehend how he's enjoying it? Well, make sure you're being quiet with YOUR music, so that you can tell him to turn it down and he can't turn it around on you and say “but you play your music loud too!” 9) Reflect on your drunken nights. You do dumb stuff when you're drunk. Help make your next night of drinking better by thinking about the dumb stuff you do. Not the dumb funny stuff, but the dumb “Jesus, I can't believe I started playing guitar, that was so douchey and lame” stuff. Eventually, you'll have a mental list of 100 items that even the drunken you knows from experience NOT to do again. 10) Don't drink too much too often. Everybody has a few nights where you got REALLY, REALLY drunk, and that's fine. It makes for good stories. But, most of the time, you gotta slow down and know your limits. College isn't like the movies; nobody's gonna care if you stop drinking, even if you “owe” drinks from a drinking game. Just say “I'm done drinking for now,” and that's in the highly unlikely scenario that anybody even asks why you stopped. Drink enough to get to the point where you feel best, and just coast off of that.


06

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livin' on the edge!!! liam johnson wrote this On a simple night not too long ago, everything seemed normal in Normal. However, something was brewing right past Southside, past 707, past the Meatheads on one seemingly average night. The popular student apartment complex known as Junction Place decided to take a turn for the r-r-r-Radical.

of different aspects of the human condition. A group of homeless men and former bros are playing dice in the corner with savage intent.

The Edge emerged out of nowhere, yes; Junction Place took the role of Sears tower, changing into the Big Willis. But what exactly provoked the seemingly random name change that seemed to sweep over the buildings like a blanket of fine snow on a perfect Christmas morn?

“You don’t go into the parking garage no more,” said junior anthropology major Ashley Featherhead. Her eyes were a pool of sadness as she seemed to stare out into the void.

Reliable sources say that The Edge was born out of The Junction’s place entering into its own form of an architectural midlife crisis. They have a new look to try and appeal to a hip set of bros and assorted other college herds. Junction felt that being called “The Edge” would make people think that he was hip with the crowd once again. Although, in some instances, people feel that The Edge has gone a bit too far with the whole image. “It started when they took a staircase out of the parking lot,” said Senior Richard Trickle, “perfectly good staircase to get up over that ledge. But….after the…change, they decided it would be more “extreme” to get rid of the staircase and replace it with a long wooden two-by-four. My Girlfriend sprained her ankle last week because she thought she was a pirate hooker being sent to the sharks.” A few days after the name change, The Edge began uninstalling the locks on the doors for the residents. They cited that they “wanted the residents to feel the excitement of living in a world where anything can happen at any time!” When people leasing with The Edge began to protest, the employees unleashed a horde of feral alligators into the hallways. “LIVE ON THE EDGE!!” said employee, Justin Justinson, as a six-foot gator crashed through the complimentary breakfast area. A week into the name change, the landscape had really changed around the hallways at The Edge. Just walking down the halls on the fourth floor in building B, one can interact with a plethora

While many have made snide comments outside of The Edge’s borders, most fail to realize the brilliance to this name change, and the dedication to providing an experience to match up to the rally cry of “living on the edge”. So far the numbers indicate that there have been only 13 serious injuries, and 2 deaths from trampling. But further inquiries into the deepest sections of the edge have been halted by a tribal death cult of the Rat God Gdir’in. Rumor has it that they have been sacrificing those thought to possess the beauty of one thousand suns. So if you think that Junction sounds right for you, and you are drawn to their devil-may-care attitude about life, as well as their noble insight into the freedom of the human spirit. Then consider leasing for next year. This year they have decided to make new leasers write their names in blood, plus they are giving out free drink cozies and a Nintendo Wii to ten lucky people. The only downside was the decision to raise the prices of these lovely apartments, but with the new change in image and attitude, it’s almost a crime not to pay to live on The Edge.

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Fun things to do in dorm bathrooms

11

issac wrote this

Whether you just started living in the dorms or are a sophomore looking to get the hell out of the dorms, you know that things can get rather boring on your floor, especially on a Saturday night when everyone’s out partying and you’re at home reading The Black Sheep. Here are a couple things you can do in your dorm bathroom to pass the time when nobody’s around: Poop Competitions Grab your best friend and head on down to your local Taco Bell to prepare for the least fun you can have with your pants down. I’d go with the Steak Quesadilla or the 5-Buck Box to get some good speed right out of the shot, but if you want to race fast the entire way, I’d say go with the Fiesta Taco Salad with Cheesy Fiesta Potatoes. Don’t forget to top it off with a cinnamon chalupa! Drink of choice? Baja Blast motha’ fucka! After you chow down your meal of champions, make sure you wait at least an hour for that shit (no pun intended) to settle. While you’re waiting, you and your friend should do some deep core stretches so you don’t hurt yourself. Safety first, mo-fo! When the time comes, you’ll know. Then, the both of you will enter into a stall, preferably with a third person to start the countdown. 3…2…1…start your bowels! First person to flush wins. Soap Party You know those soap dispensers by the sinks? Empty them all over the floor, and bring all the chicks you can find in there. An iHome will suffice for the music you need, and just start grinding them against the shower stalls. The chicks, not the iHome. I’m not into robots or anything. Golf Get your douchebag roommate’s golf balls and a wedge, and line ‘em up on each of the stalls a-la Homer Simpson. A straight shot is a hole in one. A bank shot is +1, two banks is +2, and so on. If you land it on a piece of shit, that’s +4. Have fun fishing those golf balls out afterwards, too! The BGA Tour of 2010 was fun as hell, so maybe

this year we’ll have a new competitor. Create your own underwater paradise! I’m sure you’ve tried to do this at home time and time again, but when you do it here it’s twice as fun, plus your parents don’t care! Take some towels and shove them in the sink drains, then turn those suckers on full blast. Within hours, your bathroom will be about an inch covered in water. At this point, you should bring in some flotation devices: (A blow up raft, maybe?) and just coast through the room. Don’t worry, when your RA comes in, they’ll just get doused in water and won’t be able to get mad or pro-rate you! It’s fun for everyone! For extra fun, set up two nets on either side of the room and start playing water polo! Watch out for floaters! Sex Ask any girl where they wish they could have sex. I guarantee you at the top of their list is a dorm bathroom. It’s just so glamorous. Well, I mean you should probably doll up the place. Put some leather down on the toilet seats and all that. Just bring a girl in there with you and explain to her that due to some rooming conflict, you live in the bathroom. She’ll think its sexy, trust me. Then use one of those condom dispensers in the room and get to it. When the cleaning lady comes in to do her rounds, try to get her to join in. Although dorm bathrooms can be scary sometimes, with these activities, how can you be scared anymore? Have fun, and practice safe defecation!

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

TUESDAY: $2 Imports and Micros $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2 20oz Bud Family Drafts

Live Music Every Friday & Saturday!

FRIDAY: $3 16oz Vodka/Energy & Wells $3 ANY Bomb $3 Miller/Coors Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10

Everyday: $7 32oz. Well Drinks!

Throwback Thursday $1 U-Call-Its No Cover

Every Thursday is $1 Drink/Shot Night!

$0.75 Well Drinks $2 Any Bomb $2 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Long Island Iced Teas DJ Vamp at 10pm

$2 Well Shots with a Beer Back (shot and a beer for $2!)

$3 Stoli Mixers $3 Absolut Mixers $3 Blue Island Shots

Live Music Friday!: 9/9 Wedding Banned 9/16 Rock U 9/23 Brushfire $6 32oz Well Drinks (incl. Energy Drinks) $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys

$3 16oz Vodka/Energy & Wells $3 ANY Bomb $3 Miller/Coors Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10

$3 Domestic Pitchers $3 Bombs $7 32oz Well Drinks

Live Music Saturday: 9/10 Your Villain My Hero 9/17 Blu-Print 9/23 Mike and Joe $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys $4 Pitchers Miller/Coors

$3 16oz Wells $3 ANY Bombs $3 Bud Family Bottles & Pints DJ @ 10

$3 Domestic Pitchers $3 Bombs $7 32oz Well Drinks

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze FREE Jukebox & Bags

Great Football Specials!

Thursday $1 Drinks $1 Beer $1 Shots

NO COVER

THURS

$1 Wells & UV Flavors $1.50 Miller Family Bottles $2.50 20oz. 312 & Honkers Drafts

FRI

$1.50 20oz Bud Family Drafts $3 Pitchers $2.50 Vegas Bombs

SAT

$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

$3 Grey Goose Red Bulls $3 Jack & Coke $3 Gummy Bears

SUN

$1.75 20oz Bud Family Drafts $2 Bloody Marys $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2.50 Vegas Bombs

Check out Throwback Thursdays! No cover!

MON

$1.75 20oz. Bud Family Drafts $1.50 Miller Family Bottles, $2.50 Beam, SoCo, and Seagram 7 Drinks

No Cover for Throwback Thursday w/ Student ID $1 Drinks

Check out our website for updated events and specials! daddiosbloomington.com

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze

$4 Pitchers $2 Bombs

TUES

$2 Imports and Micros $2 Wells $2 UV Flavors $2 20oz Bud Family Drafts

Throwback Thursdays $1 U-Call-Its

Every Friday: $6 32oz Well Drinks including Energy Drinks $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze Live Music with Kyle Yap at 10pm

$2 Bud Family Bottles Bud, Bud Light, Bud Select

$1 Domestic Longnecks $3 Vegas Bombs

Throwback Thursday w/ DJs D1RTY NO1ZE $1 Drinks $1 Beers $1 Shots

Every Saturday: $2 16oz Keystone Light and PBR Tallboys $4 Pitchers Miller/Coors

$2 Any Beer $3 Any Booze DJ/Karaoke at 10pm

$2.75 25oz Domestic Drafts

WED

For private parties contact Gary@ daddiosbloomington.com


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SATURDAY: $4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm

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MONDAY: $3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs

TUESDAY: $5 - 8 Wings and a Soda

SPECIAL NIGHT

$2.50 Leinenkugel Pints $2 PBR Bottles Open Mic @ 10pm

$6 Red Bull Vodka Mason Jars $2 Miller Family Bottles

$2.25 Domestic Longnecks $3 Captain Morgan $3 Captain Lime

Buy an 18” pizza get a free appetizer up to $5 value

THURS

Free Happy Hour Food 4 - 7PM $6.50 32oz. Well Drinks $5 Pitchers No Cover!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts

$6 Long Islands Mason Jar

$3 22oz Keeper Cup $2.75 Corona $3 Liquor Specials

Buy one pizza get one at equal or lesser value half off delivery only

FRI

$3 Pints of Spiced Rum Drinks $3 Corona and Corona Lt. Bottles No Cover!

$4 20oz & $3.50 16oz Import or Specialty Draft Beer Karaoke @ 10pm

$6 Vodka Lemonade Mason Jars $6 Rum & Coke Mason Jars $2.75 Corona & Pacifico

$3.50 24oz cup $3.50 Liquor Special

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$3.50 24oz Cups $3.50 Liquor Special

Buy 14” or larger pizza get a free 2 liter

SUN

Closed

$1.75 Miller Lite Pints

$9 Domestic Buckets

$3 Pitchers Coors Light $3 Sky Cherry Bombs

$5 - Slice and a Pop

MON

$3 32oz Drafts of Bud Lt./Miller Lt. $3 16oz Wells $2 Vegas Bombs No Cover!

$2.75 20oz Miller Lite Drafts

$2 You-Call-Its

$2 Domestic Longnecks $3 Imports, Micros, & Rail Calls

$5 - 8 Wings and a Soda

TUES

$2 You Call Its No Cover!

$2 Well Drinks & Miller Lite Pints Karaoke @ 10pm

$5 Premium Pitchers

$4 Bud Family Pitchers, Vodka Red Bull, & All Bombs

$5 - Redbird Bread + Fries

WED

$4 40oz. Bottles of Bud Lt. and Miller Lt. No Cover!


14

Bartender

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Issue Relationship status: Single Favorite drink (and how they make it): Propel - grape vodka, water and cranberry Favorite shot: Rumplemintz Worst drink ever: Whiskey and anything What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? Taylor Swift What is the worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job? Do you want to go halfsies with me on a baby?

Alyssa Me

ricle

mulligans

What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? Aladdin What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? A guy tried to convince everyone that he was able to get his wife

drinking game:

Drinking Jeopardy! Alex Trebek has a voice that could charm the panties off of a nun, and his dulcet tones really help boys and girls across the nation learn what the capital of Madagascar is. Does that mean this game will help you get drunk? No. Is it fun? What is, “Yes,” Alex. What You Need: A case of beer, a hi-def TV to see the glint in Trebek’s eye, smartz. Number of Players: At least 2, more is more better, though. Intoxication Level: I’ll take, “Shithouse Drunk” for $800, Alex. How to Play: -Before the game begins, make sure each player has several beers in front of them. -Players may only guess an answer once per question. -A player’s answer does not have to be phrased in the form of a question. -Players must drink when: -Any opponent answers a question correctly. -The player incorrectly answers the question. -Players do not have to drink when: -The player answers the question correctly. -No player answers the question correctly. -Scoring is similar to a standard Jeopardy! game. If a player has to drink, they must drink the first number in the 3-digit score. For example, a player who has to drink on a $400 question must drink four drinks. Drinking on a $1000 question would be ten drinks. -There is no special scoring for the Daily Double, just use the value assigned to the question. -The Final Jeopardy question is worth 10 drinks. The Game Ends When: Your DVR runs out of recorded episodes.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

pregnant by washing his underwear with hers cause his swimmers were so swimmy. If you could create a holiday, what would it be? National Hangover Day... falls on the day after the Super Bowl... nobody has to go to work. What dead person would you most want to bring back to life? Patrick Swayze If you could have any superpower, what would it be? X-ray vision Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with? Matthew McConaughey How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight? Bring them on, we will find out!

recipe for disaster:

Burrighto

After a night of heavy drinking there’s always a pit in one’s stomach, and it aches mightily, wanting to be filled with manly goodness. No, we’re not talking about semen; we’re talking about the manliest freakin’ burrito of all time. What You Need: Flour tortillas, can of refried beans, cheese, hot sauce, beef jerky Cook Time: 5 minutes Fatty Factor: Oh god yes. Let’s Get Baked: -Unwrap the tortillas, open the beans, cheese and jerky. Have the hot sauce at hand. -Place a dollop of refried beans on the tortilla. -Sprinkle cheese on top of the beans. -Apply a liberal amount of beef jerky to the burrito. -Splash on a healthy amount of hot sauce. -Fold it all fancy-style. -Place in the microwave and heat on high for 40 seconds. -Remove, let cool and enjoy. You’ll pass out after a burly burrito bliss, only to wake up with some newfound chest hair. So…uh…this one isn’t for the ladies. Unless…


15

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moonshine review


16

the

www.theblacksheeponline.com

h t 4 1 Minute!

Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan

*

Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.

Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.

Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”

Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: A early-90s criminal case that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Basically, she looks like a hot teacher. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.

Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.

Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.

*


17

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Das Racist

the interview

Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multiethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Wilco

The whole let down, kind of. It's not an entire let down... sort of? It’s easy for us youngsters to hate on Wilco these days because they aren’t “trippy” anymore, and Jeff Tweedy is “sober” and therefore “uninspired.” Long gone are the days of my brain exploding (nearly the entire The Wilco Book album), vibing out to some weird static during “Less Than You Think,” and dissecting the lyrics of “Radio Cure” because it’s just so fucking good. Sure, Wilco’s best albums were Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and A Ghost is Born, but if you got mad at your boyfriend today because the last great thing he did for you was months ago, then everyone would just hate each other. Remember when he let you have all the hot water this morning? It’s the little things that count. Because I don’t want to harp on Tweedy for being sober; that’s just immature. What I can harp on, though, is Wilco back-tracking to their country roots in their latest album The Whole Love. This album just screams “NPR 40-something.” It’s safe and easy to listen to, with just enough badass hard rocking guitar solos (see “Art of Almost”) to give the old folks something to get excited about. It’s the kind of Wilco that got the fans in the first place, with definitive alternative-country sounds and a little bit of intrigue, not to mention Tweedy’s signature voice holding our hands the whole time. But Tweedy & the boys weren’t always weird and still had a more interesting sound - Summerteeth and Sky Blue Sky, for instance. With their latest and the one before that (Wilco (The Album)), Wilco is starting to seem… old. And

UPCOMING RELEASES

C-

I don’t like it, because I’m not a 40-something, and I think that’s okay with them. “Dawned on Me” is one of the more brilliant songs on the record, where Tweedy openly sings about the whole spectrum of living; being young, being old, being lost, being found, and starting it all over again at the end. It kind of makes me sentimental but then I’m reminded that optimism makes growing up a little better, which just makes me more sad. I’m 20-fucking-something; I don’t want to listen to my father cry on about not having fun anymore. “Born Alone” has a somewhat catchy tune but it’s a little cheesy and it’s a little simple, perfect for the adults to digest. No, no, I think I’m going to leave the Wilco party, eh, 5 years ago. But I’m still going to love them, even if they aren’t blowing my mind anymore. It’d be like saying goodbye to a high school friend just because he doesn’t get black-out drunk anymore. He’s still a cool guy, but just a little more tame. Plus you can always go back and recall the fun times you guys had together. That, and he is always your sober driver. It’s the little things that count! Sounds Like: What your dad listens to in the minivan. Download: The Art of Almost Listen to it When: Drinking wine and playing Scrabble with the fam.

>>>

Blink - 182 Neighborhoods Chickenfoot - Chickenfoot III J. Cole - Cole World: The Sideline Story LeAnne Rimes - Lady & Gentlemen

VHS Or Beta - Diamonds & Death Feist - Metals Scott McCreery - Clear As Day Styles P - Master Of Ceremonies

job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids? TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.

brendan and jess wrote this


SHOUT OUTS!

“Leslie! Remember when you opened up that bag of chips and queso dip and all of the bros showed up at your house? CRAZY!” “Random bro that approached me outside a house party, I really hope that everything goes well with your younger sister’s pregnancy. You really know how to choose introduction topics to a friendship!” “James, I’m sorry I missed your birthday party but I’m glad that I was able to see one picture of money in your underpants” “Jeff! I just met you Saturday but seriously, that whole “kicking dirt” move isn’t going to get you any ladies” “Bus driver I saw at 2 am, I have no idea why you were out that late and why you had like two kids on your bus, but I really hope you were returning them to

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

your parents. Also, I hope you had pizza large amounts of dog shit I wiped on for those kids” your carpet. It’s hard to see what you’re “Hey Mark, let’s try and keep our pants on stepping in when you walk in the dark, amirite?” “Hey Danny, I really liked meeting you Saturday. Also, you don’t need to make up excuses for stains on your pants” “Michael, remember when you were my RA and we would all brush our teeth "????" together in the bathroom to show floor unity? I miss those days” “Dear Waldo, I don’t know if you were actually the real Waldo when we met. It was really had to tell considering the fact that there were twenty of you” for at least five minutes this time next time we go to a party where we don’t know anybody? Not everybody breaks the ice the way you do.” “Dear guy whose apartment I was at Saturday, I’m super terribly sorry for the

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THe top ten

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How To Get Your Advisor To Work For You

Politically Incorrect Halloween Costume Ideas 10) Casey Anthony: There’s nothing really offensive about Casey Anthony’s outfits or anything, it’s just, you know, she was kinda on trial for the murder of her own daughter. So, seeing her at a Halloween party would be pretty frightening. 9) Roy With Tiger Clamped on Neck: Remember, there’s no getting offended by any of these costume ideas because that’s what the category is. With that being said, dress of Roy from Siegfried and Roy and in the midst of a party, happen to spill your drink because a tiger came out of nowhere and mauled you. Or you can just tape a stuffed tiger to your neck.

will holloman wrote this Friends, class registration for next semester is approaching. I have been through the horrors of having later registration than my fellow classmates and thus, have missed out on the joyous ability to shout, “Yes! I am so damn stoked to take Advanced Exposition next semester! That class is going to balls-to-the-wall awesome!” With those memories still burning a whole in my brain, I have decided to provide you with a few guidelines in order to make sure your counselor is on your team and your team alone. Several weeks before your registration date (hell, even start a month or two before if you’re up for it) start sending your counselor emails informing him or her that you are heavily debating switching your major. Be sure to plan the email delivery to happen on the same day every week on a repeating schedule. Say, for example, every Monday morning you choose to send out an email to your counselor; or maybe Tuesday afternoon better fits your schedule. Whatever day and time it is that you choose, be sure to stick to it. Also, the more specific the time you choose, the better. For example, if you send the same email at 10:32 every Monday morning, it’s going to seem a lot more like Big Brother is watching rather than a student sending emails. The next thing you gotta do is pick a very odd major; a major that seems so much less important your counselor than the major that you currently are in. If you’re in English, switch to Math; if you’re in Social Science, switch to Journalism. Just be sure to make it obvious that you found something better and more important to do with your life. If you choose to switch to a major that is lesser known, here are some options to choose from: Boiler Making, Sports Ministry, Canadian Studies, and Bakery Science. With these choices, you’re going to make it clear that the history and social structure of Canada is far more interesting and important than the study of English. So, once you’ve got your specific time and day, as well as your new, much more important major picked out, its time to combine the two and see what crazy email you can write. As you write your email, try and be as vague and oddly descriptive as possible. Every Monday morning at exactly 10:32AM for the past several weeks, you’ve been sending your academic advisor an email that follows similarly to this:

8) Amy Winehouse: The only reason this didn’t make it further to the top of the list is because honestly, who didn’t see this coming (Yes, I’m referring to both the costume idea and her actual death). She wrote a song about not going to rehab and woke up every day looking like the physical embodiment of crystal meth.

that the pins come falling down that makes me want to experience that same sensation day in and day out. With that being said, I plan to switch my major from English Studies to Bowling Industry Management. Sincerely, William Spector Holloman See what I did there? I made sure to point out the fact that Saturday afternoon television is more inspiring than the greatest American novelists. Once you send a message like this, your advisor will be in shambles trying to figure out where he or she went wrong their advisement. The most important part is the follow through email. Once you’ve got your advisor fretting to win you back, send an email every Wednesday of every week (only two days later than the original email), professing your true love to your original major. It should go something like this: Dear Dr. Fillintheblank, After some serious thought-provoking discussions with my roommate and our buildings’ cleaning troupe, I’ve reconsidered my decision from Monday to switch my major to Bowling Industry Management. The overwhelming feeling of joy that I experienced from what I thought was the bowling pins falling down was actually from my daily-scheduled heavy meditation, and thus I have decided to stick with English Studies…along with heavy meditation.

Dear Dr. Fillintheblank,

Sincerely, William Spector Holloman P.S. If I could major in heavy meditation, I totally would.

After much consideration and a lot of heavy meditation, I regret to inform you that I am going to be switching my major.Over the past few months, I have lost sight of my interesting in the composition of the English language and have instead caught myself lured into ESPN’s Saturday afternoon broadcast of National Bowling League Tournaments. There’s something about the way

This second weekly email will reassure your advisor that you’re going to actually stick to your original plan. However, the fact that you’re going to be sending him the same series of emails every week at the same exact time might keep him on his toes and ready to help you with any class registration problems.

7) Stephen Hawking: Everyone has a sense of humor. It may be hidden deep inside you, but it’s there; just trust me. Therefore, I can make a list of things that Stephen Hawking can’t do, but one thing I can assure you he can do is laugh. So, just go out garage sale-ing or to the pawnshop and find a wheel chair. Tape a calculator to one of the arm rests. Wear a nice suit, and spread your wings. 6) Westboro Baptist Church: This idea might be a terrible idea. Why? Because its not like you can dress up as one of these people. They have no costumes. You can dress as a puppy or as Batman and still be part of this Klan…I mean group. Just dress as yourself and live the night with the mindset of a super ridiculous asshole. For example, interject a conversation wherein your friends are discussing who spilled whose drink and start blaming it on people that aren’t even at the party. 5) Suicide Bomber: Get some hot dogs. Whether or not you cook them is entirely up to you. I mean, if you like to eat your costume, that’s totally cool. But whatever; get some hot dogs. Line them up on your chest next to each other. Get some shoelace and glue it to the end of one of the hot dogs. Then, keep the other end of the shoelace tied to something in your pocket. Just whatever you do, don’t go running past a cop. 4) Hurricane Irene: This one is pretty straightforward. Dress up as whatever kind of “messy” girl you can think of. Wear girl clothes, put on make-up, wear a wig; whatever floats your boat. Then, glue a picture or two of things from New York on your shirt or something. If you really wanna be dedicated to this costume, you can spin in circles every time you walk somewhere, but that might caused you to “hurlicane.” 3) Department of Erection: Follow these steps for this costume. First, get a cheap jail costume from a party store or wherever they sell Halloween costumes. Make sure that it says “Department of Corrections” on the back of it, though. Second, get an orange cone. The size of it depends on you; just understand that this cone will be going in your pants on your crotch. Third, cross out the “Cor” on the back of the uniform and put a big “E” in its place. Place the cone in your pants as you walk around and “ta-da!” You’re going to be such a rising star. 2) Chilean Miner: This costume can be a serious dedication. It all starts with the task of not showering for (at least) a week before the planned dress up date. No brushing your teeth either. Find some sort of miner costume (i.e. button up shirt, boots, whatever pants, weird hat; just get creative) and be sure to wear it for the week that you’re not showering. The one essential piece to this costume is the miner hat with the flashlight on it. That’s going to be the thing that seals the deal. The last thing you gotta do is make yourself a nametag with a Chilean name on it. 1) Human Centipede: Gross. Ugh. We’ve all seen this movie, right? Okay well, if you haven’t, just go see it right now. Or not even do that; just look up what the movie is about. We all understand why you wouldn’t want to reenact any of this for Halloween. Listen, there’s a fine line between dedication and just being completely fucking gross. If you choose this costume, you are the latter. Will Holloman wrote this


( class time )

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Bryan Podell

Advertising Managers Kurt Tribble distribution Manager Jason Snyder Contributing Writers Kevin Setze Bill Johnson Jeremy Ber Mike Atkins

campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?

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