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Volume 20, Issue 16 5/10/12 - 5/17/12
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The Perfect Slam Piece: Dreams of a Graduating Senior ken doll wrote this
With this fine academic year coming to a close, seniors are all wrapped up in one major concern: how the hell are we going to find an excuse to come back to Champaign next year? Let’s face it, Champaign’s a real-life Candy Land, stuck in the rolling corn fields of central Illinois. Don’t see it? Just replace all the sugarplums with Jägerbombs, reckon the Candy Cane Forest as the Morrow Plots (after you take way too much acid), and replace Princess Lolly with a drunken coed that wants to touch your penis. It totally fits; you’re just not using your imagination. How can a graduating senior possibly justify coming back to this magical kingdom? A victory lap is out of the question, because mom and dad aren’t looking to fork over twenty grand so that you can get day drunk and hit on incoming freshmen for an extra year. You could work in Champaign, but let’s face it, getting a job in Candy Land is going to result in you being pants-less, standing on top of your desk and drunkenly berating your boss. That’s not a good resume-builder. You can always come back for Unofficial, but that’s only one weekend, and you want to make your triumphant return a regular occurance. So now what? How do you get to enjoy a weekend in paradise without getting permanently stranded in this drunken oasis? It’s easy. Find an underclassman, make him/her your slam piece, and then visit every chance you get. Getting attached to new people when you’re about to leave school doesn’t seem like the ideal situation, but you don’t have to even like the person, just sext them enough to have them stick around. Now, you’re probably thinking, “There are so many options on campus. Where do I start?” Well first off, you need to evaluate the state of mind you’ll be in after graduation. If you’re anything like your standard LAS major, you’ll be broke, unemployed,
and living in your parents’ basement for a good ten years or so. In other words, you’ll be living like a champion. You’ll start to miss things like Champaign’s cheap drinks and the allure of sleeping in a college student’s soiled bed every night. This will make you want to hop in your car and drive down to the Land of the Chief every week. Gas isn’t cheap, so you should make sure your sexual partner is loaded. That way, all of the free drinks that you’ll be sucking down will make the trip worth it.
continued on page 19
Other stuff
Inside
Short answer, no. Long answer, how much do you like masturbation?
see page 6
Is Living Alone Right For You?
A beer with Barack or milk with Mitt? see page 9
The world’s a big, scary place with big, scary suggestions.
see page 18
Best Drinking Buddies: Decision 2012 Traveling Abroad After College