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The Black Sheep
The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 20, Issue 15 5/3/12 - 5/10/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC
Cinco de oh no: A Timeline! john mchoneycombs wrote this
Cinco de Mayo is one of those holidays celebrated by all, even those who have no reason to party. This means all of Champaign goes out, gets smashed, and orders twelve too many tacos from Burrito King. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s encouraged. Drinking in excess is what made this country what it is today. Like St. Patrick’s Day and, to a lesser extent, Easter, I have no idea what Cinco de Mayo is about, but it’s a good excuse to get completely obliterated at a parade or in church or what have you. Like any good culturally-insensitive person, I’m going to break down a rough timeline of your Cinco de Mayo and how drunk you should be throughout the day. 9:00 a.m. .04 BAC If you truly want to celebrate, you should start out ahead of the curve by waking up still buzzed from the night before, thanks to the three tequila shots you tossed back right before hitting the hay. Slip on the oversized sombrero you stole from that frat last weekend, grab some breakfast chalupas from Taco Bell, find your crossed ammo belts full of airplane shots, and hit the city. 11:00 a .m. .11 BAC After watching Desperado with your friends and drinking any time someone rolls their r’s, you should be nicely intoxicated, but not too sloppy. By this time you should be shouting, “Arriba!” and any other Spanish words you learned from Speedy Gonzales. Actually, you haven’t seen Looney Tunes in a while. Take thirty minutes to remark on how cartoons back in the day were so much better than the drivel on the modern tube, like Austin and Ally. Now you’re determined to find some old Looney Tunes DVDs and relive your childhood. You stumble out of your friend’s place on your way to That’s Rentertainment. 11:30 a.m. .09 BAC What the hell? This place is charging three bucks for the first season DVD of Looney Tunes?! You yell at the employee in anger and accuse him of discriminating against Cinco de Mayo, whatever that means. After a few slurred words and some more mild racism, you storm out of the store in disgust. Defeated, you wander around aimlessly until you are accosted by a Hispanic man behind Insomnia Cookies. “You looking for some speedy, homeboy? I can get you some for free.” Wow, what a kind gentleman. “He seems like a real straight-shooter,” you think to yourself as he leads you to a
windowless van.
Why are they all crowding around you like that?
12:15 p.m. .22 BAC Since when has there been a Little Mexico in Champaign? That nice young Hispanic man named Paco with the Tweety Bird tattoo was kind enough to let you suck down some complimentary tequila while kicking it with his friends outside a liquor store. Paco seems to really like speaking in Spanish to his friends and then eyeing you up and down. Hmmm, they seem to be very interested in the sombrero you’re wearing.
1:30 p.m. .33 BAC Where the hell are you? You grope around aimlessly in the pitch-black room, searching for anything to help you find your way out. God damn it, Paco! You feel all that Jose Cuervo starting to rumble in your stomach and know that the end is near. Hold on, this feels different to you. All those Taco Bell Chalupas you scarfed down for breakfast are starting to react negatively to all the tequila.
continued on page 19
Other stuff
Inside
Get high, get high grades. That’s what the stoner dropout told you, right?
Don't worry, there will be snacks from sam's club!
see page 7
see page 9
The Importance of Weeding Day
The Best Cinco de Mayo Party Ever!
we love you. see page 22
Dear Red Lion Poop Girl...