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The Black Sheep
The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC
Volume 20, Issue 14 4/25/12 - 5/2/12
the class schedule monster Corey Guastini wrote this
Once upon a time, there was a young wood elf named Kevin who lived in the enchanted Fairy Forest. It was a magical place where unicorns and centaurs galloped under thick trees that glittered in the moonlight. One could even see mermaids who, on occasion, would swim in too far during high tide and became stranded in the freshwater forest rivers—stupid mermaids. Kevin was a freshman at the local university. With the spring semester nearing a close, it was time to register for fall classes. As it was, Kevin would be one of the last students to register. This didn’t have to be the case. In fact, he could be the first student in all the college to sign up for classes. All he had to do was kill the Jabberwock. This prize had been offered to the students for twenty-five years with zero success. Kevin was extremely frightened by the prospect of hunting down the Jabberwock. Men much more skilled than he had tried to kill it and failed, but Kevin really did not want class on Fridays. Early one morning, with a picture of the Jabberwock given to him by his father in hand, he set out to find it. Surprisingly, he came upon the Jabberwock digging in a garden outside of town, less than an hour after his departure. He quietly crept behind the fearsome creature. One swift swing of his sword later, it was dead. Clutching the Jabberwock’s head in his fist, Kevin returned triumphantly shouting, “I killed it! I killed the Jabberwock!” At the sound of Kevin’s excited shouts, the town filled the streets and cheered. Their cheers quieted down and turned into disturbed screams when the Jabberwock's head came in clear view. “That’s not the Jabberwock!” a townsman shouted, “That’s that lost pet!”
crept up behind the Jabberwock with his sword poised to kill. “I know you’re there,” the Jabberwock said. “You know what this is? This is a 1964 Ferrari 250 GTO. My father and I have been working on this car for ten years. He loves this car. Well, loved this car. He died last week, just days before we put the final touches on it.” The Jabberwock then lit a cigarette, took a few drags, and began to cry. “I miss him, man. Fuck, I miss him.” Moved by the emotion of the moment, Kevin decided he couldn’t kill the Jabberwock.
As it turned out, Kevin’s dad had accidentally given him a picture from a lost dog poster a kid had passed out earlier. Honest mistake. Embarrassed, Kevin handed the head to the dog’s owner, said sorry, got his hands on an accurate depiction of the Jabberwock, and headed back into the woods. The crowd awkwardly dispersed. This time, the hunt took longer, but by sunset, Kevin had found the real Jabberwock. It was buffing a bright red car in the middle of a forest clearing. Kevin quietly
All night, Kevin listened to old anecdotes about the
Jabberwock’s father, occasionally interjecting with things like, “He sounded like a great guy,” and, “He’ll be missed by everyone,” even though he would not be missed by everyone. Jabberwocks kill people in the Fairy Forest. That’s the whole reason there’s a bounty on their heads. When the sun came up, the Jabberwock thanked Kevin and wondered how he could repay him. “Here, take this,” the Jabberwock said, handing Kevin an old lava lamp. “This was my father’s favorite lava lamp. I want you to have it.” Kevin thought this was weird, but po-
continued on page 19
Other stuff
Inside
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Hey! that doesn't really look like a chainsaw to me!
A guide to telling if your exchanges are going to suck.
see page 6
see page 10
see page 21
The Summer Job Hunt
Smartphone Games: Friend or Foe?
Thar She Blows!