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Volume 20, Issue 11 4/04/12 - 4/11/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC
Presidential madness:
an exclusive report from the press conference and an interview with the new guy, conveniently named easter Mike Bennyboyson wrote this After two years of what both fans and critics have called, “A monumentally mediocre Presidency,” University of Illinois President Mike Hogan made the decision to step down from the position which he, apparently, had not too much interest in from the beginning. Hogan’s resignation comes at the heels of a recent “cleaning house” method of school efficiency which his cost both Ron Zook and Bruce Weber, the two highest paid employees for the University, their jobs. With growing pressure from these recent firings, mounting financial issues, dismal school morale due to low funding and little athletic achievement, a poltergeist terrorizing the development of Allen Hall, and a general distaste for the “hippie students” he encounters on a daily basis, Hogan has announced that he, “Just isn’t gonna fucking do it anymore.” Rumor has it that Hogan’s initial announcement of resignation was done through an anger-fueled psychotic breakdown in an unspecified room in the Henry Administration Building, not unlike the quitting scene from Jerry Maguire. According to numerous reports, Hogan had written up and distributed a “Mission Report” in which he outlined his vision for the future of the University. Colleagues were impressed by this act of initiative, until it was discovered that the “Mission Report” consisted mainly of personal attacks to each member of the University board and several images of Hogan brandishing a katana watermarked with profane phrases. When confronted about this, Hogan stormed out of his office and declared that he would start his own University. When none of his colleagues would accompany him, he angrily kicked over the office fish tank and stormed out. The two office goldfish, Stewy and Scooter, died later that afternoon. David Caruso has been called in to investigate. Several days later, an official press conference was held for Hogan to more clearly articulate his motives. “I just don’t know what the fuck you all want anymore. I really don’t. When I was offered the job, the University was all, ‘Come on down! We got the office waitin’ for ya! Ready for you to work!’ And then the moment I sit down, everybody asks me why everything isn’t fixed yet. Are
you all sadistic or just stupid? These things take time. You know, when you’re millions of dollars in debt, it kind of takes some time to fix. But no, every day I read about some hippie-dippy students asking why everything isn’t just magically fixed. I’m a man! I’m one man! If all of you students and professors are supposed to be so smart, why don’t you think of a way to fix everything? Oh, that’s right, you’re all too busy writing blogs and drinking Robitussin.”
You know where? Paraburdoo, Australia. If you were to go straight through the Earth and be on the complete opposite end of the world from the hell of Champaign-Urbana, you would end up in Paraburdoo, in the heart of the Australian Outback. Paraburdoo is in the middle of an endless, punishing desert. Everything there is dead, just like my soul.”
“Mr. Hogan, what are your plans for the future? Do you plan on going somewhere following your work at the University of Illinois?”
“Yeah, keep the gun closet locked and a bottle of brandy close to your mouth. They’re your problem now.”
“Yeah, you know what? I do plan on going somewhere.
“Do you have any advice for your successor, Robert Easter?”
With those words, Hogan slicked back his hair, lit up a cigarette, and kicked open the exit doors of the conference
continued on page 19
Other stuff
Inside
God just wants you to know that he thinks spring is faaabulous!
He thinks he can get any girl he wants.
Celebratin’ Jesus ain’t never been cooler!
see page 6
see page 9
see page 18
God, the Interior Decorator
Illini Basketball: What a Douchebag
D-Gron: Reinventing the Easter Holiday