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• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
Volume 20, Issue 7 2/29/12 - 3/7/12
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC
THE LEGEND OF THE UNOFFICIAL LEPRECHAUN CARL WROTE THIS Sit right back, my little spuds, and I’ll tell you the ole tale o’ the Unofficial Leprechaun. Many, many years ago, there were two cheery leprechauns who were drunk and in love and went on ahead to make a leprechaun baby, as any two lovebirds are wont to do. in the deep of the night, just before the clock struck midnight, bringing out the day of St. Patrick, Momma Leprechaun gave birth to a wee little leprechaun who was quite a bit unusual. This wee little lad was born with his head on upside-down (terrible thing, drinking during pregnancy can be). Loving her strange baby anyways, Momma Leprechaun gave the small potato the name Unpatrick. You might think that name weird, and you wouldn’t be alone in thinking so. Poor little Unpatrick was ceaselessly teased for having such an unusual name on top of having a head that wasn’t right-side-up. Papa Leprechaun would just tell Unpatrick to keep his chin up – which just so happened to be something that Unpatrick was very good at. Unpatrick tried everything he could to fit in at leprechaun school. he learned to walk on his hands in a perpetual handstand in order to look like he belonged, but the other students would just throw tacks on the floor to keep Unpatrick from playing with them. he tried drawing a face on his chin and wearing a giant scarf around the rest of his head, but the other kids would pluck the googly eyes from his faux visage and give him a swift beating while his face was still covered by the scarf. even when Unpatrick tried sitting quietly in the back of the classroom the students would find ways to tease him by writing vulgar words upside down on the board. Unpatrick endured his teasing all through Leprechaun high and was ecstatic when he found he received a disability scholarship to Leprechaun University. however, things were not much different for Unpatrick at LU. Following his father’s advice, Unpatrick tried to keep his chin up and decided to make friends by going to his first party. having never been to a party before, Unpatrick was flabbergasted by all of the activities he saw: a table with ten mini pots of gold on each end that people were trying to throw tiny white balls into – and at a closer look he realized the pots were filled with a golden liquid rather than gold coins; just next to that was a group of people sitting around a table and trying to bounce gold coins into
a cup in the center of the table; then, just across the room, there were people surrounding a giant silver pot with a strange spout sticking out of it filling up their mini pots with even more of this liquid gold. Unpatrick quietly wondered if he’d discovered heaven. “Whoa! Check out that upside-down head over there! Let’s make him drink with us!” called out one of the less
sober leprechauns. They quickly rushed around him and dragged poor Unpatrick to the silver pot with the spout. “do a kegstand!” They called out and forced Unpatrick onto his hands above the silver pot, which was apparently called a “keg,” and watched as Unpatrick easily drained the entire keg in one simple handstand. he dismounted perfectly and let out an upside down *BUrP* and the room was quiet.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19
OTHER STUFF
INSIDE
Mardi Gras Vs. Unofficial
A TITTY OF A DIFFERENT COLOR IS STILL A TITTY.
STEP 1: DON’T FALL OFF THE BACK OF A MOTORCYCLE.
LET THEM DISCOVER YOUR POT O’ GOLD.
SEE PAGE7
SEE PAGE 10
SEE PAGE 21
The Unofficial Survival Guide
Sex in the CU: Leprechaun Sex