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The Black Sheep

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 20, Issue 5 2/15/12 - 2/22/12

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC

Introducing: Joey Skags Oscar Speech Cut-Off Music Operator marlon benson wrote this

“Have you ever interrupted somebody at a party? You know, a guy’s telling a story, getting kind of into it, but then you hop in and steal the attention away right before his punchline? Yeah, I get to do that to Jack Nicholson.” For the past fifteen years, Joey Skags has struck fear into the hearts of our favorite celebrities as the speech cut-off music operator for the Academy Awards. The mark Skags’ work has made on American cinema is indelible, yet the man has been a reclusive figure in Hollywood, refusing all interviews and photo opportunities. Until now. In light of his fifteenth year as Hollywood’s resident dickhead, and also the up coming 84th Academy Awards ceremony, Skags has come out into the spotlight to share his story. The story of Joey Skags’ life begins in East Los Angeles in 1996. Living as a homeless man on the corner of Florence and Crenshaw, Skags devoted his time to peddling pedestrians for money to feed his alcohol addiction. It was during this period that Skags developed his sociopathic hatred for others which would prove useful in his job at the Oscars. Times were their toughest for Skags, and one night he decided to buy a fifth of whiskey and some sleeping pills to end his sad life. As fate would have it, Skags would never make it to the liquor store. On his way to get his fix, Skags ran into a very intoxicated Robert Downey Jr. who was deep within the throes of one of his twisted, alcohol-fueled cocaine binges, as he was wont to be throughout the nineties. In a brief altercation, Downey Jr. stabbed Skags with the broken end of a Steel Reserve bottle. Needless to say, the two became fast friends. After driving Skags to the hospital (it was the nineties; times were different), Robert Downey Jr. decided to make it up to him by giving him a job as a janitor for the upcoming Oscar ceremony. Skags didn’t make many friends at his new job. Coworkers called him an, “asshole,” and, “detestable.” His reputation, however, soon reached the ears of Steven Oscar, president and blood relative to the founder of the Oscars. Oscar found a way to utilize Skags’ awful, disrespectful personality for the betterment of the award show. From

Other stuff

Inside

that point on, Skags has been responsible for the blaring of music in the middle of people’s acceptance speeches for the purposes of timing and entertainment. “I just want you to appreciate how much of a douche bag this guy actually is,” Steven Oscar once said in an interview. “I mean, when an actor wins an Academy Award, it

six ways to jazz up those ta-ta's for more beads. see page7

Decorate for Mardi Gras Flashing

is the most important moment of their life. No question. But then you get this jackass cutting you off with some cheesy orchestral score. It’s so disrespectful it makes me sick. On the other hand, fuck ‘em, they have tens of millions of dollars, deal with it.” Skags, however, is undeterred by his awful reputation in

continued on page 19

out of all the people you'll meet, Brandon Paul better be there.

see page 8

People Playing Basketball at the ARC

Pedestrian ahead! KILL HIM! see page 18

The Commute/Death Race to Class


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Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>

Senior Bucket List: Sex Edition

page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

The Third Quarter

page 17 >> Alcohol Review: Old

Their stripper/porn star love child’s name would be Megan Steel.

If sleeping with another male will fill your pail, better get on it.

PAGE 6 >>

6

Grand-Dad Whiskey

Clint Eastwood saves America’s economy the only way he knows how; swearing at youngsters.

Back in our day we had to walk 18 miles uphill both ways just to get to Kam’s.

page 9 >>

From the Streets

page 18 >> The Top Ten

page 9 >>

In A Perfect World, These Classes Would Exist

page 20 >> Movie Review: After Fall,

What cartoon character would you hook up with?

9

Songs to Bang to, baby.

Winter

In a most perfect world, they wouldn’t start until 1p.m., either.

PAGE 10 >> A Masseuse’s Relaxation

Stories Keep Taking Dark Turns

contents

After fall, hospital, more like it.

21

page 21 >> Mistakes to Avoid While Dealing With A Breakup

like quit your cryin' and put down the gallon of ice cream.

who knew getting naked in front of a stranger could be bad?

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp

cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

copy Editor Mike Benson

pr manageR Abbie Welch

Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen Eric Blokel

photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski

distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Landon Mills Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Michael Rottar | Alexander Dimaris Colin O'Keefe

campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Find Us At... Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine| Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | University Village | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


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pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

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you, I guess I ms to be bothering Lazy Face, re, but since it see ve a visual. he ha ” u yo lem so rob t “p jus a s” t see en doing “air quote First of all, I do no be to your room e in I’v o, me Als co .” to ice e “adv scary man. Hire him still in bed, he has big a could give you som e hir to is do d if you’re to want to What you’re going rm has gone off, an just more nutes after your ala any teeth, then it’s each morning ten mi h you straight in the face. If you lose come really be t’s tha ing eth nc is som h full permission to pu e out of bed. This l issues of the Britis your lazy looking fac lop ins the heinous denta ve pla de ex motivations to get uld ich co wh u e yo e rop yb untries of Eu o, who knows, ma Als . d. ard ate gu tiv popular in most co dy mo Bo t e ou ing in). Talk ab in that movie Th (notorious for sleep Whitney Houston did this bodyguard like th wi p shi on ati rel a t? that sequel’s due ou Anyone know when Cheers, Carl

a slap in the face? some life advice, or maybe just Got a question? Concern? Need ail.com Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

Is this how all sex toy parties end up? Think your caption is good enough for Page Four? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

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sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers

Stacy Keibler & Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Photostickiness

Celibate Thrush

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submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: High-grade marijuana worthy of publishing a picture in High Times. My weed dealer Chris swung by earlier today with this photostickiness bud, so I had to sell my econ books to buy an eighth.


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SEX

Senior bucket list: sex edition

and the C-u

As graduation swiftly approaches it’s time to look back at your past accomplishments on this campus, and then do things that are ten times more badass. I’m talking about crafting your senior bucket list. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to go balls to the wall. Most students would settle for one generic bucket list, consisting of accomplishments such as; go to White Horse karaoke, drink every night of the week, and streak on the quad. You, on the other hand, are a champion, and will not settle for having a so-so bucket list. You’re going to have a bucket list for every delinquent act that makes college great. So let’s take a look at the sexual accomplishments you need to check off before graduation. Have a Threesome: It’s a scary thought, and it won’t be easy. Your best bet is to find a really kinky friend who doesn’t have feelings, then have them find someone impressionable who you have no connection to. That way, if things go wrong and they end up dead, nothing can be traced back to you when you have to bury them in Illini Grove. Have Sex under Sauron’s Tower… I mean the Bell Tower: In the year 2008, the University was convinced that its students had grown beyond their control, so they built a tower, which is presumably used to spot students who are openly drinking or publicly urinating on University grounds. It then sends members of student patrol to have the offenders killed. What better way to rebel against this oppression than by ruthlessly banging right underneath the tower? (It’s okay; the eye can’t see you in there). Get some Oral On the Quad (in the middle of the day): Sounds difficult right? Incorrect, it sounds awesome. Just pretend that you’re taking a nap with your significant other on the quad, but be sure to bring extra blankets for your partner to slide underneath. Meanwhile, you can enjoy a tight-rope show! Shack in the Six-Pack: Whether it’s the appeal of hooking up with a youthful and naïve freshman, or that you were just really depressed about getting assigned to PAR/FAR your freshman year, there’s something to be desired about shacking in the Six Pack. Maybe, if you’re lucky, your companion will even swipe you in for a free Sunday Brunch in the dining halls. Bang Someone Who Hates You: There’s always going to be that person you really pissed off in college. Maybe you hooked up with one of their friends and didn’t call them back, maybe you

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ken doll wrote this got drunk and told them how you thought they were a giant bitch, or maybe you just got drunk and peed on their couch. Now ask yourself, is this person attractive? Would ten drinks and the knowledge that this person loathes you make them a little more attractive? Then maybe you should tell them it’s time to let grudges go, it is your last semester after all. Instead of fighting, why not have a few drinks, go back to their place and hash out your issues with some angry sex? Have Sex with your TA: Maybe it’s because you think it’ll help your grade, maybe you’re into their power, or maybe there is just something about the way they use a projector that turns you on, but you’ve got a thing for your TA. It’s natural, trust me. If you don’t take this opportunity now, in another semester they’ll just be another graduate student not making enough money to afford decent standards of living. Take a Victory Lap: As your final months at this university wind down, what better way to take a trip down memory lane than to have your own real-life sex montage with all of your previous sexual partners on campus? It’s time to pull out the black books, ladies and gentlemen. It shouldn’t be too hard to convince your sexual partners to take another trip down to pound town. It’s not like you silently slipped out of their room in the morning and never called them again… Obviously you’re a sex maniac and the above list simply won’t satisfy your desire for new and exciting conquests all over campus, but hopefully it gets you started. Add these into your own checklists and screw your way into University of Illinois legendary status.


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The Third Quarter:

Clint Eastwood Saves America’s Economy Mr. Byrnes wrote this

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As Clint Eastwood enters a secret underground bunker beneath the Pentagon, the room goes silent. A bunch of suited up, US of A government-running, pinko commie sons of bitches stare at Clint as he enters feebly. One man shits his pants in fear as Clint begins speaking, “Hello gentlemen, we are now entering the third quarter. Now that I have inspired the American people to piss hard work in the morning, it's time to tackle the issues at hand. I may be just a goddamned pretty face to you people, but I'm more than a motivational Super Bowl halftime speaker. I'm Dirty Mother-Fucking Harry. I can't do this alone, though. I need you pansies. So, what's on the piss-ant docket?” A suit stands up and answers, “Well, Mr. Eastwood...” “Whoa, hold your cock right there. Call me Jed, goddammit!” “Well, Jed sir...” “Just Jed goddamn it!” “Right, Jed, our economy is down all over, and not just in Detroit. While we're taking as many measures as we can to make fuel technology more efficient, the country is using too much energy. The population keeps growing, so we don't see energy use decreasing in the future. Not to mention the fact that we're in debt quite a bit.” Clint snaps back quickly, “How much!?” “The national debt stands at over $15 trillion, sir.” “What the balls! In my day we didn't know the word trillion. You have got to be kidding me!” “No sir, it seems to be getting harder and harder to maintain our capitalistic society as the global economy changes and the world population increases.” “Well, we sure as shit aren't going to side with the Chinese commie bastards. Not in my country!” “Sir, we may not have a choice but to adopt certain socialist principals. Our country may need

to develop a hybrid form of government.” “Only pansies like you drive hybrids.” “Didn't you just do a commercial supporting the fuel economy changes that happened in Detroit?” “I did what I had to do to get this country on its feet! I'm telling you, these days we are reaching the pussification of America. Whatever happened to justice being handled by the barrel of a gigantic revolver, or American heroes putting scum bags in their place.” “Jed, I'm afraid...” “Don't call me Jed anymore! You don't have the privilege.” “My apologies, Mr. Eastwood...” “CALL ME BLONDIE.” The suit, looking incredibly confused, “Blondie? Like the 80s band?” “Son, I'll gut you and rip you stomach out with two fingers!” Suit responds, “Sir, I think I know what you can do. There's a small hideout of bandits and gangsters near an outpost just outside of Kansas. You should start there and leave all of the technicalities to us. Together we can change America, Blondie.” “Now that's the type of shit I was talking about.”

Clint turns and walks out of the Pentagon, revolver in hand. He jumps into his Gran Torino with Christian Bale Batman and Tom Thibodeau, coach of your Chicago Bulls, and they drive off into the sunset. The world was not ready for such a team of heroes with deep, raspy voices. Together they toured the country, yelling badass catch phrases at all kinds of bad guys and brought America to justice. As it turned out, this also fixed the US's economy, brought about all kinds of new efficient fuel technologies that would cost American citizens little to no money and provide them with infinite amounts of power. Also, for whatever reason, Earth actually tripled in size, land mass, natural resources, and water proportionally, allowing the population to continue to grow unscathed.

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Six Ways to Decorate Your Boobs for Mardi Gras Flashing carly anne wrote this With Mardi Gras around the corner, along with it comes thousands of women flashing their boobs around town. It’s going to be important to make sure your hotcakes really stand out from the crowd. Sure, your nipples are a good size, and you’re rocking a nice 34C; however, those are a dime a dozen come this time of year. Some chick with AAs and areolas bigger than your head isn’t going to showing off her jiblees. You need to doll them up as much as possible to make an impression. Lucky for you, I have 36Ds with nips that point straight forward, so I know all the tricks. Tiny Creatures: How hard would it be to find a tiny monkey for hire? That way when you unsnap your blouse to reveal your sweater muffins, you’ve got them coupled with a sweater monkey! You’ll be the talk of the town. Hell, maybe the little guy could even be in charge of bra retrieval. Or even an adorable and colorful gecko reminiscent of King Julien’s in Madagascar II would be just the right touch to an otherwise blank canvas. Camelbak: So what are the real dangers of having a Camelbak surgically implanted into your wimpy little A-cups in order to give the good people of Mardi Gras some refreshing alcohol? It’s all in the name of SCIENCE, people! I’m sure the repercussions would be mostly harmless and temporary. You could offer beer on tap in one tit and other could offer some delicious jungle juice to show off your wild side.

Fruit Roll-Ups: What would be better than seeing bewbs? EATING THEM! No one is bound to forget the boobs that they got to suckle on and gnaw away at. You could get the fun variety of Fruit Roll-Ups with tattoos or one that has shapes that pop out to make it especially interesting for the folks. Plus, Fruit Roll-Ups are the absolute best material to decorate your fun bags in. To add some more amusement to the show, keep using Gushers to replace the tips of your nips and have your friends enjoy the arrangement by nipping them off. fun & games: You could offer a more entertaining side to your hooters by drawing on several puzzles and tricks for the eyes to ogle whilst you display your prominent rack to the world. Even further, it might be fun to include a word search or sudoku, if your tatas are large enough to display such an elaborate brainteaser. This way the more sophisticated minds get to maintain some pride and dignity in attending such a barbaric festival. Scratch-N-Sniff: Remember how awesome those sheets of paper were back in elementary school or those markers that had certain scents tied to each different color? Those didn’t just get any less awesome over the past few years. I say you go out and buy a giant pack of whatever those scratch and sniff buggers were made of and somehow apply those suckers to your bosoms.

Googly Eyes: No, I don’t mean that people can use your honkers as a popular search engine. I mean those funny eyes that kids glue on arts and crafts projects because the pupils wobble around. This is especially a bonus if your nipples have Paris Hilton syndrome and tend to look in opposite directions. It’s always been a dream of mine to sport googly eyes upon my niblets, so that while I’m hooking up with a man that he might take off my shirt to discover a rather interesting surprise. I know in my heart that the only way I will be able to find my one true love is when he meets my googly-eyed boobies, he will lift his shirt to show me that he too has googlyeyed nipples. Then we will have an everlasting love bound by our passion for the googled optometry. Now go. Go, my little flash-happy minions and go all Gallagher with your melons! Also, feel free to have a little fun trying to find how many different words were used to talk about God’s greatest gift to the world, boobs.

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The Five People You Meet Playing Basketball at the ARC Alexander the Pretty Good wrote this You have been waiting on the sidelines for what seems like hours and finally it’s your chance to play. You’ve got next, but before you can hop on the court and thrash some cats, you first have to pick your team. Let’s be honest, there’s not a lot to work with here. These are the five people you meet at the ARC basketball courts. The Ex-Athlete: This guy is trying to relive his glory days playing for his high school team. He is a humble guy, so he only brings up the fact that his is a former 1A division champion every other day. He may be a little rusty, but every time he steps on a basketball court he is motivated by the echoes of his high school coach calling him a pussy and screaming for his blood. If you get too close when he’s going up for a rebound, he will elbow you in the face, if you fumble a pass he will bitch you out and, if you get really lucky, you might see him bring the game to a screeching halt by taking a charge. This guy is a winner; pick him. The XXL Athlete: He’s rocking his school’s old jersey, which, surprisingly, he can still squeeze into. You’ll wonder to yourself, “How in the hell is this guy going to get up and down the court?” But, don’t worry; in his old age he has reinvented himself as a defensive specialist, you won’t see him cross half court once. Pick him if you’re ready to go four on five on offense. The Sissy: He’s wearing jeans, boots and thick-rimmed glasses. You are probably looking around the gym, trying to guess which one of these dudes is his life partner when he walks over to ask you if you got next. It is always safe

to assume that a man who shows up to play basketball rockin’ jeans and glasses has accumulated 5 minutes of basketball experience in his entire life. The skills he unearthed that one time playing against his little sister doesn’t really translate against grown men. If this guy is on your team, you will be hearing “Next!” so fast it will make your head spin. The Old Guy: How did he get in here? I thought you needed an iCard and had to be a student? Maybe he’s a professor here? Why are his shorts so… well, short? Is that his dick poking out from underneath? Watch out for this guy. One divorce and three ungrateful children have made him bitter as can be. This is his NBA Finals, dammit! He will not think twice about slitting your throat for a rebound. If you got a chance to pick him up, do it, but just be ready to break up a fight. The Girl: You know she can’t play. Well, yeah, maybe she can shoot a little bit and her fundamentals are decent, but other than that she’s useless. Guys who pick the girl on the team fall into two categories; expert GMs and Playas. You know that no self-respecting man is going to bother playing defense on her, so she is bound to get a few freebees. And,

if you are the rare breed that can multitask and play two games at once, then maybe you’ve got a shot at a slam dunk, or more accurately, slamming your junk into hers, if you know what I’m saying (rib poke). With these tips, you know who to pick and who to avoid. Prepare to run shit.


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From 'da Streets

In a Perfect World,

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

These Classes

What cartoon character would you hook up with?

Would Exist

"Jasmine because she'd feisty.  Let's get serious, she has a tiger." - Mark M., Sophomore

cleves wrote this I was sitting in my vegetable gardening class taking a quiz with questions like, “Have you ever tried cilantro?” while simultaneously playing with the butthole of the person next to me, when I thought to myself, “Can it get any better than this?” The answer is yes. Yes it can. As a second semester senior with only twelve credit hours of random classes left to take, I actually found it extremely difficult and frustrating to register for this semester. Look, I’ve completed all my required classes. I’ve dealt with my fair share of horrendous group projects with incompetent douche bags. I’ve written millions of papers, taken horrible exams, and even sucked my way through Econ 102 (not fun, but necessary). Now, I’m finally free! Free to take any classes that I want, as long as they count as credits toward my graduation. Why would I want to take a class that’s even slightly difficult if I don’t have to? However, after much research, I’ve come to the realization that U of I simply does not offer the type of fun, stress-free classes that I’d like to take. Sure, vegetable gardening is great, but if these classes existed, well, it’d make everyone’s lives a little better, including my own. Cereal: Yep, just cereal. Think about it, there are so many different types of cereal out there! Lucky Charms, Fruity Pebbles, Frosted Flakes, even the stupid kinds like Mini Wheats and Cheerios that aren’t covered in honey or nuts. Just thinking about how much cereal is in the world is blowing my mind! Imagine an entire class on it. You could learn about the history of certain cereals, which ones have the best tasting after-milk, and of course, analyze pressing issues like, “Why is that Trix Bunny always trying to abduct children?” Obviously you’d be encouraged to bring your own bowl of your favorite cereal to every class. Mmm, nothing like a drowning out the voice of your teacher by chompin’ on some Cookie Crisp.

lead class discussion. See? You save money by not having to pay a teacher, and students will be able to witness the looks on their classmates’ faces when they must compare a shot of Ketel One with a shot of Skol. Can’t beat that scenario, university class deciders. The History of Yourself: Nobody loves you more than you do. Not even your parents. And there is nothing easier than making presentations all about yourself. The semester would consist of 4 projects, all of which would be about you. The first presentation is a history of your life from birth through twelve years old. Then you’d give a presentation about your middle school/high school years, your college years, and the final exam would be to talk about what you want for yourself in the future. There is no way to fail this class, unless you simply don’t do it or you hate yourself. Bonus points for showing the class baby (or adult) pictures of you on a bearskin rug!

"instead of distinguishing the flavors of various wines, why not have a professor bring a bottle of alcohol and some shot glasses for the students?""

Wine tasting? Let’s make it liquor!: Apparently a wine tasting class has been offered here in the past. So what in the hell happened to it? And more importantly, why the hell isn’t there a liquor tasting class? Instead of distinguishing the flavors of various wines, why not have a professor bring a bottle of alcohol and some shot glasses for the students? Heck, it doesn’t even have to be a professor! Just grab some random homeless man off the street and pay him fifty bucks to

PUPPIES!: Is there anything more precious in this world than a puppy? Maybe a baby petting a puppy, but that’s just overkill. So I think that this university should offer a class where you get a puppy of your choice at the beginning of the semester, and then take care of it until the end of the year! You never have to go to class, you just have to make sure that you return the dog in May for his final exam to prove he's alive and healthy. If you don’t return with the dog, you fail the class. See? It teaches you responsibility, and you get to play with a puppy for five months! The best part? You get to keep the puppy! So please, someone give me one good reason why these classes shouldn’t count toward a bachelor’s degree. We should be allowed to take courses that interest us and that don’t involve much work! It’s called character building, people. A class on cereal will only make you more well-rounded. Trust me.

"Obviously Lola Bunny - hips for days, makes Bugs Bunny go nuts... Just think what she can do to me." - Jake F., Junior

"The Powerpuff Girls - 3 for the price of 1." - Fred W., Freshman


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SHOUT OUTS!

A Masseuse’s Relaxation Stories Keep Taking Dark Turns Corey Guastini wrote this Are you stressed? I thought so. I can feel it right here in your shoulders. You feel that knot I’m pushing on right now? Yep, those are the stress bunnies burrowing in your back. Let me knead them right out. While I do that, I’ll whisper scenes of pure serenity into your ears. If you start to feel uncomfortable about the intimacy of the moment, don’t. That means it’s working. Now, imagine you’re lying on the beach; a soft towel is beneath you. Rays of sun warm your skin with their tender graces. The fresh smell of sea salt hangs heavy in the ocean air. A breeze kisses your cheek. With one hand, you dig into the sand and lift a cool, moist handful. It gently cascades between your fingers. All the while, the sound of waves surrounds you. They build and build, reach a crescendo, crash, and calm. Then they repeat. In and out. In and out. In and out. The rhythm of the ocean leaves you in an unparalleled state of relaxation. The tide comes in. You feel the cold water touch the tips of your toes. It reaches your calves. Soon it’s at your waist. It rises and rises. You’re paralyzed. The tide overtakes your head. You scream. HELP!!! HELP!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP!!! But no one hears. Your last breath of air is about to run out. This is it, you think; this is the end. Darkness envelops… Wow! That took a dark turn, didn’t it? Sorry about that, but you know how the creative mind is—once it gets going, there’s no stopping it! Ha! So, are you still tense? Christ, I think the knots got bigger. Let me paint you another picture of peace. It’s the morning. You’re walking on a wooded trail still damp from overnight rain. You occasionally hear the pitter-patter of water droplets falling from the leaves

overhead. The sun peeks over the horizon and casts hues of pink, yellow, and orange through the branches. A sweet, earthy smell fills the air. Birds awaken from their slumber and begin singing joyful melodies. No one is around. In the silence, you listen to yourself breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out. You come to a clearing. Fog has formed over the wet blades of grass. Wait, is that fog? Oh no. That’s smoke! You now see flames roaring up tree trunks. The bird songs become shrill cries of panic. You turn around to run, but the flames have you surrounded. Sparks and unbearable heat slap you in the face. The smoke makes it hard to breathe. As you become delirious, you begin to think this is it; this is the end. Darkness envelops… Dammit! I’m so sorry. You know this is all improvisation, right? I don’t set out to create tragedy, but in the moment the narrative can get nutty. My creative writing teacher at night school says that’s why I have so much promise—I have unbridled imagination. Why are you leaving? You still have knots! Wait. Wait! You’re lying in a field on a warm summer night. The crickets are chirping, and the stars are twinkling above you. Cold dew forms on the grass. A shooting star streaks across the sky. It keeps streaking. Oh my God, it’s coming toward you! It impacts the earth mere feet from where you are. Darkness envelops. No, no, I can relax you I swear. Snow falls gently out your window as you sit in a mountain cabin drinking hot chocolate by the fire. You hear rumbling. An avalanche levels the building and darkness envelops. Shit. Um…pianos. Gardens. Lakes. Vineyards. Tea. Bombs. Poison. Murder. Ugh, just leave.

Dear ex roommate. You still owe me $50 for that microwave you stole on your way out. It's been four months, dude. Hurry it up. To the chick at Penn Station you have the hugest breasts ive ever seen before. I would like to c them. Xoxo the philly cheesesteak customer Danny if you're going to buy me lingerie at least know how to take it off of me after I wear it. To the nice couple that walked me home when I broke my wrist, lost my jacket, phone, and keys, Thank you. And sorry I tried punching you on your way out. Jazzy Fresh, sorry for the hole in the wall, I really thought I had that fly cornered...-Mike Hey Jack - opening the door to find roses was awesome. Seeing you laying on the bed naked, waiting for me, not to awesome. Remember, there's a good naked and a bad naked. I'm the good naked...Jenny Word to the drunks out there, leave the bouncer alone. We don't want to talk to you. Regards, Gavin Bartender Ben - Next time I give you $20 for 20 shots, I expected the shots to have booze in them, not water and sprite! Bra on the door>sock on the door...

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


$7 Custom Unofficial shirts! holy crap! starts wednesday!

campusf lock.com The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3

SPECIAL NIGHT WED 2/15

$1 Bud Light Bottles Every Mon - Fri in February! TUES: $2 Burgers WED: $1 Sliders Watch Every Game on Our 150" HDTV!

Mardi Gras PARTY! Friday/Saturday & Tuesday 2/21 Beads & MORE Beads! $2.50 Bacardi Mixers & $3 Hurricanes

Sunday: an evening with UMPHREY'S MCGEE

THURSDAY: MARDI GRAS Everyone Gets Beads $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE Win a Trip to New Orleans!

FRIDAY: The Hathaways Live at 10PM Special Guests: Common Loon and Megan Johns

EMANCIPATOR with LITTLE PEOPLE and ABBY SOBH

BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THE WERKS with MATHIEN and THE BEESON BROTHERS

MARDI GRAS Everyone Gets Beads $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE Win a Trip to New Orleans!

Hip Hop Congress! Come check out live performances by 9 awesome DJs!

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 Burgers, $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Jameson & Absolut $3 Jager Bombs

The Hathaways Live at 10PM Special Guests: Common Loon and Megan Johns

Pyramid Productions Presents: COTTON CLUB 2K12: Night 2

Come out early to eat at The Porch featuring our annual Crawfish Boil $3 Jack Daniels & Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi & Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

Closed for Private Party Book Your Spring Events Here! Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $1 Sliders

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

FRI 2/17

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SAT 2/18

Watch ILLINI vs Nebraska at 4pm at the BIG Screen! Come try the BEST BBQ in Town!

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SUN 2/19

Watch Hawks vs. Blues at Noon! Cure that Hangover with an Awesome Burger!

Closed

An evening with UMPHREY'S MCGEE

The Porch's MARDI GRAS BUFFET 11am-5pm featuring Bourbon Chicken, Jambalaya, Cajun Gumbo, and so much more! All You Can Eat Buffet!

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

The No Antidote Tour with NiT GriT and TWO FRESH with POSITIVE VIBR8IONS

Salsa Night with DJ LUNIKS $1 Wells $2 Corona Bottles

Book Your Spring Events Here!

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $2 Burgers

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Come and hear our new Piano Man - BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

WINE NIGHT - FAT TUESDAY! Everyone Gets Beads The Person with the most beads will WIN A TRIP TO LAS VEGAS!

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts & Busch Lt. Cans! $1 Cover

BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 2/16

MON 2/20 TUES 2/21 WED 2/22

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $1 Sliders

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

BRIDGE THE SEA: CD Release Show! (Early Show) COTTON CLUB 2K12: Night 1 (Late Show)


Bring The Big Easy Right Back to Burnham.

We’re Pet Friendly!

With our amazing apartments and convenient location in downtown Champaign-Urbana, With our amazingMardi apartments and location near all the action, we make celebrating Gras as easy as perfect the blonde with all the beads.

we make picking us as your next home as easy as earning those beads.

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café

SPECIAL NIGHT

SAT: MARDI GRAS PARTY Everyone Gets Free Beads! WIN A TRIP TO NEW ORLEANS! $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Any Bomb $3 Bud Light Bottles ILLINI vs Nebraska 4pm

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

WED 2/15

35 E. Green Street

ILLINI vs Purdue 7:30pm Play Minute to Win It Win a Blu Ray Player Bud Mug Night $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

FRAT TUESDAY! $3 Hurricanes $2 Domestic Bottles 19+ to Enter No Cover w/ i-Card

Get Your Joe's Unofficial Shirts NOW! Rock the shirt and avoid cover on the big day! JoesBrewery.com

Free Shuttle from Wright & Daniel Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

Closed - Private Party Book Your Spring Events at High Dive!

Cheer on the Bulls at 6 with 1/2 Price Burgers $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

THURS 2/16

Hawks vs Rangers 6pm Bulls vs Celtics 7pm Check out all the New TV's $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Absolut Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

FRI 2/17

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jager Bombs $3 Bud Light Platinum Bottles

SAT 2/18

MARDI GRAS PARTY Everyone Gets Free Beads! WIN A TRIP TO NEW ORLEANS! $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Any Bomb $3 Bud Light Bottles ILLINI vs Nebraska 4pm

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

DJ OLLIE Dance the night away with DJ Ollie and some Special Guests

Pray the Illini win at 4 with 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 2/19

$2 EVERYTHING! Hawks vs Blues at Noon Win Hawks vs Blues Tix During the Game!

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Sunday Funday $4 Cups of Shots Free straws if you can tap your head and rub your belly at the same time

MON 2/20

$1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots Half Price Apps 4-10pm Bulls vs Atlanta 3pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

TUES 2/21

$3 Strong Islands

FAT TUESDAY Everyone Gets Beads! Win a $250 Visa Gift Card feat. Cruzan Hurricanes ILLINI vs OHIO STATE 6pm

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

FRAT TUESDAY! $3 Hurricanes $2 Domestic Bottles 19+ to Enter No Cover w/ i-Card

MARDI GRAS 8th GRADE DANCE! You didn't see any boobs in middle school, but you might tonight... $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

WED 2/122

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

MONDAY: $3 Jameson $2 Coors Light Special Night and Miller Light Draft Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s1/2 Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers (at GSC2) 6-8 every(After day. Offfrom Apps 5pm) 6-8 Daily Free pool during happy hour!!! $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Play Minute to Win It Win a Hawks vs Blues Tix! Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Free Shuttle from Wright & Daniel Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$4 ICB’s

Pyramid Production Party 11-Close

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

West Side Salsa (Early) DJ Delayney (Late) DJ & Dancing

$7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it


The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

Kam’s Krush Shoot To Win Prizes ILL v Purdue 7:30 $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2 22oz Lite Drafts

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ JAY Revel Stoke Snowboard Giveaway $2.50 Revel Stoke $3.50 UV Blue Guys $1 MHL Bottles

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

THURS 2/16

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Bacardi Mardi Gras Party Wear Your Beads! $2 Bacardi Drinks & Hurricanes $2.50 Bombs Bead Contests, Boa Dance Contest, Jester Hats & More

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

FRI 2/17

Bacardi Mardi Gras Party Wear Your Beads! $2 Bacardi Drinks & Hurricanes $2.50 Bombs Bead Contests, Boa Dance Contest, Jester Hats & More

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

DOLLAR PARTY! One Week Only! $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots $3 Bacardi Drink or Bomb $3 Jack Daniels

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

SAT 2/18

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

Book your Next Party at The Red Lion Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

SUN 2/19

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 2/20

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

FAT TUESDAY Everyone Gets Beads Win Great Prizes! $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE

$4 Long Island Iced Teas

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

$1 Bottles $1 Drafts $1 Wells

SUN: Trivia Night! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

SAT: DOLLAR PARTY! One Week Only! $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots $3 Bacardi Drink or Bomb $3 Jack Daniels

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 2/15

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRIDAY & SATURDAY: Bacardi Mardi Gras Party Wear Your Beads! $2 Bacardi Drinks & Hurricanes $2.50 Bombs Bead Contests, Boa Dance Contest, Jester Hats & More

"Beer Lovers Night" NATTY GIRLS NITE OUT $2 Domestic $1 Fatty Bottles Btls. & Drafts $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $ 3 Import and Specialty $3 Pitchers! Btls. & Drafts

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

BUD NIGHT! $1.50 Drafts and Bottles $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

$2 Drafts

WED 2/122

COUNTRY NIGHT & KAM'S KRUSH PARTY! IL at OSU at 6PM Shoot to Win Prizes $3.50 Dbl. Beam & Red Stag $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys

TUES 2/21

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)


n a c . . . but , e m o i c too?

don’t worry,

your valentine’s day puppy can stay.

WE’RE PET FRIENDLY!

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms. • Resort style swimming pool.

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

other t hings to love!


Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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15


16

Bartenders

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Week

of the

Major: Human Sexuality

Major: Communications

Relationship Status: Single

Relationship Status: Very single

Last person you sent a dick pic to?: My mom… long story

Advice to underage drinkers?: Know the bartender!

Favorite thing to do with your hands?: Unsnapping bras

Celebrity threesome?: Abe Lincoln, me, and Danny DeVito

Theme song?: “Wasn’t Me” - Shaggy

Life motto?: Get it in

Last concert you went to?: Lady Gaga

Hidden talent?: X-Ray Vision Have you ever hooked up with a co-worker?: All day – it’s what I do.

What makes Red Lion the best bar on campus?: Hottest shot girls on campus

Hangover cure?: Ketchup

Have you named any of your body parts?: The Hermannator

Best song for “setting the mood”?: “Ass” by Big Sean

Stripper Name?: Rick Steel

Why is White Ho the best bar on campus?: Cuz I got dat ass

Favorite drink to drink?: Buttery Nipples

Eric Hermann red lion

How would your friends describe you?: An asshole Favorite pick up line?: “I’m a bartender at Red Lion” Secret you don’t want your parents to find out?: I sing Beyonce in the shower

drinking game:

drunk pictionary Call on your inner artist and give him a nice, cold drink. What You’ll Need: Friends, your choice of liquor, shot glasses, a stopwatch, paper, and some writing utensils. Number of Players: At least 6 to have a good round going. The more the better, really. Level of Intoxication: You’ll start understanding what the hell Picasso was actually painting. How to Play: - Everyone sits in a circle and each player begins with a piece of paper and a pencil. - Take one shot (diluted half shots are recommended to keep your hospital bill nonexistent) and then you have thirty seconds to write something at the top of your paper. - After the 30 seconds are up, you pass the paper to your left and then everyone takes another shot. - You then have 30 seconds to illustrate what the person before you wrote down. For example if you got a paper that said “Mexican titties,” you might draw a boob in a sombrero with a mustache over the nipple. - Then before passing the paper you fold the top over so the next player cannot see what the original title of the portrait was. Everyone renames their portrait before passing it on again. - Then the cycle repeats and hilarity ensues. The Game Ends When: You begin using your vomit to paint a lovely mural on your friend’s bathroom wall.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com

Porn Name?: Megan Colebrook

Sarah Calhoun White horse inn

What do you think is the greatest invention of all time?: Fake eyelashes Would you rather eat cottage cheese out of Oprah’s vag or Whoopi Goldberg’s?: Both, but I’d prefer blue cheese crumbles

recipe for disaster:

candy coma Remember those days in elementary school when your teacher and all of the kids in your class would bring in candy on Valentine’s Day? It was a diabetic kid’s dream and nightmare all wrapped in shiny red saran wrap. Now that the cursed day has passed, let’s use all that crap candy we received to make something magnificent. What You’ll Need: Those candy hearts that say random things on it like, “Be Mine,” chocolate hearts with the crispy things in them, Reese’s, M&M’s, Twizzlers, chocolate syrup, and any other candy that you love. Cook Time: However long it takes you to raid the aisles in Walgreens and run home. Fatty Factor: You might poop out an actual sugar crystal. Let’s get baked: It’s pretty simple. 1. Take all of the candy you bought and put it all in a giant bowl. Then mix in at least half of the bottle of chocolate syrup. 2. Put it in the microwave for fifteen seconds. 3. Mix! 4. Get a huge spoon and start shoveling this monstrosity into that sweet mouth of yours. The key is to eat this as fast as you can so that you have lots of energy to have sex with your boy/girlfriend as a thank you for all the delicious candies. Then you’ll crash and fall asleep right before you have to cuddle or have a conversation. Just make sure you don’t throw up mid-fuck. Having an, “I Love You,” candy heart regurgitated onto you isn’t the most romantic thing in the world.


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Review

17

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

booze review: old grand dad whiskey BOverview Seeing that bottle sitting on the shelf and one can’t help but be reminded of their own whiskey-soaked grandfather. So like the lovely drunken grandkid that I am, I took Old Grand-Dad Whiskey under the nook of my arm and to a better place. History Back during prohibition many alcohol companies suffered greatly with their sudden loss of business, and the Hayden family was no exception. But, being the clever little vixens they are, the family merely began advertising their whiskey as “medicinal,” much in the same way we treat weed nowadays. In order to keep with their new profile, they named their distilled bourbon whiskey “Old Grand-Dad” to give it the sense of an old family recipe. Clever girl.

The mixer Center Coke: B+ Cherry Coke: B

Typical Drinkers Grandpas obviously, 20-year olds who wear “World’s Greatest Grandpa” shirts ironically, pedophile cousins, mall Santas on their off-season, people who mispronounce the word “espresso” by saying “expresso” instead, Wasted Willy, and females who pretend to be obsessed with the Marilyn Monroe but couldn’t even tell you one movie that she’s been in. User Comments “Get off my damn porch!” “Um… She was in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, right? “Hiccup. Fuck.” “My grandpa smells like hand soap.” Conclusion Drink enough of this and you’ll feel like you can actually talk about ‘Nam like you were there too. Or people will stare at you as you babble on about it. Either way, you’ll be treated like a pariah like our other fine vets. God Bless America.

Chocolate Milk: DOrange Soda: D+


18

THe top ten

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the commute/death race to class Landon Mills wrote this

Songs to Bang To Some people like to listen to music while they get their freak on to help with the rhythm. These are the best tunes we’ve found to get the good. 10) “Feels Like The First Time” – Foreigner Nothing compares to that first time getting busy in bed. Who wouldn’t want to recreate that awkward tension in the room again? Yeah, us either. Play this song to try and create a new memory that will replace the old one. 9) “Anything” – R. Kelly. R. Kelly speaks romance. He must have majored in sexual education in college, because he knows what the ladies want – some guys too. R. Kelly’s music is also great in situations where you find someone who is into some freaky-ass shit like hiding in the closet with a gun, throwing pies at each other, or inviting a midget over to join, because R. Kelly references all of these scenarios in his “Trapped in the Closet” series. Look it up to spend 7 hours of your life that you won’t want back. 8) “Becky” – Plies If you’ve ever heard this song before, you know what Plies is talking about when he says he needs some “Becky.” Playing this song tells your potential mate that the sex isn’t that important, but you getting on your knees is a must.

Longboard, bus, razor scooter, wheelchair, rollerblade, and Segway riders are excluded from this article. Yeah, just like with everything else in life. The Pedestrian: Leader of the campus long, single file parade, I’m about to cross the street in front of some poor driver who is obviously in more of a hurry than I am. If I don’t hurry and cut out in front of him I’ll never be able to cross. He can wait one more person. I’m so glad I don’t look both ways like an idiot anymore. I used to be so lame, but now I’m just completely ignorant to the fact that I just allowed a whole other swarm of pesky pedestrians to form a whole new parade that will last at least 3 minutes longer than the last. Ooh, a sidewalk with little yellow stripes. Like a miniature road… and just for me! Ugh, another pack of douchey bicyclists. I'll just weave like Devin Hester returning a punt so I’m near impossible to dodge. I am impassable – like Gandalf's favorite spelunking bridge. Like, what the hell. Why is this creeper stepping up on my heels? Can't he see that I'm trying to take up as much of the sidewalk as possible while on Facebook, while talking to my bigger bitch-twin, while barely pulling off yoga pants? Could it be that I’m tanking up the sidewalk like an M1 Abrams? No, no it couldn’t. The Driver: Oh, don’t you honk at me, bitch. You try finding an app that reads me my horoscope while still being aware that the light has been green for 12 seconds. I really don't get why texting while driving is illegal. Or is it? I’ll just Google it real quick. I mean I do some of my best texting while driving. So what if it's also where I do some of my worst driving. People read billboards while driving, and those aren't illegal. One of my girlfriends got in an accident because she was reading one of those "Don't drive while in-text-icated" billboards. She was barely even wasted, too. These people need to move. The only right of way they have

is to get right the hell out of my way. Hey! An opening! I'll just squeeze right through... what the hell? My license plate is personalized. You have no right to look at me like that. There should totally be an alternative mode where you play as the cars in Frogger. Really, Lance? Get out of the road and get your ass back up against that line of parked cars. You’d better pray that no one is exiting their vehicle. Not my problem. Finally a spot… really, another pedaling moron? You’re lucky I even feel like looking in my side mirror today. It’s kind of scary how seriously I considered opening my door just to test your reflexes. God damned Schwinnsters. The Cyclist: Are you kidding me, jackass? Do you not understand that I'm immune to stop signs? It's common knowledge that cyclists don’t have to stop at any signs with white around them. Can you not see that I have headphones in? Just piss off and let me enjoy my dubstep. It’s going to be the last series of sounds I hear when your vehicle rams up my ass and plasters me into the pavement anyway. Wow my brakes are extremely squeaky. I'll use them as little as possible. It's not worth the embarrassment. Why would all of these idiots decide to walk on the quad when they know I’m far too stubborn and competitive to quit in my lifelong game of “The floor is lava”? I’m not even in a hurry. I’m going for gold in the unnecessary person slalom. At least I don't look like that guy with his skinny tires, protective helmet, and his lone pant leg tucked into his sock. Nothing should tuck into a sock except a foot and my junk on another lonely Friday night. It'd be way easier to keep making fun of him if he weren't so much faster and in way better shape than me. How is this even possible? My bike was made for climbing damned mountains and clicks way more when I try to change gears, ultimately causing my chain to fall off. Who am I kidding? I’m a bicyclist. Everyone hates me. I hate myself.

7) “Physical” – Olivia Newton John When Olivia Newton John says, “Let’s get physical,” she isn’t talking about taking a Zumba class at the ARC. Olivia Newton John wants you to get down and dirty with her in the most disturbing ways possible. Just imagine her in that skintight leather outfit she wore at the end of Grease and then play this song. 6) “I’ll Make Love to You” – Boyz II Men Boyz II Men could not have worded it any better. This is the perfect song to put on your boombox when the only light in the room is coming from the candles surrounding the bed and the only thing between you and your potential hookup is your silk sheets. 5) “Respect” – Aretha Franklin This is the song to show you are a considerate person and that you care about people other than yourself, even if that’s probably not the case (which it probably isn’t because just look at the article you’re reading). 4) “Ice Cream Paint Job” – Dorrough Dorrough did a good job in this song by changing all the sexual references into their automobile analogies. It’s perfect to play for that naïve freshman girl you brought home. 3) “Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger” – Daft Punk Not only is this a good song, but also the title is practically instructions on how to have a good time. Could it get any better than that? Actual yes, keep reading. 2) “Let’s Get it On” – Marvin Gaye This song is a classic. This is the only song on the list that you can play on your iPod and put on repeat without ever getting sick of a single note. But be forewarned that if you do play this over and over again with a woman in the room, she will probably leave. 1) “Sex Room” – Ludacris Nothing is better than walking into a room and hearing this song playing. You must listen to Ludacris’ orders and turn that room into a sanctuary. Just remember to call your boss and take a couple days off because your daddy’s home.

hannah johnson wrote this


19

continued from the cover Hollywood. In fact, Skags seems to enjoy the fact that he can annoy so many people so many times. “Yeah, everybody hates me, but who cares? I don’t give two shits about those tuxedoed slimes and Martin Scorsese with his big, stupid glasses.” Skags became visibly upset at the thought of the actors and directors he cuts off. “Yeah, normally on the night of a show I drink a couple forties and smoke a bowl of dro. After that I just sit back and let the music rip whenever a speech is long or boring, which is always. My first year doing it Braveheart won best picture. I had fucked with everyone who gave a speech that night except for Mel. I love that movie.” Despite the annual paycheck he receives from the Oscars, Joey still continues his life as a homeless man residing in the Los Angeles subway system. “With the money those douches pay me I could probably rent a decent apartment and live comfortably. But who wants that? I say spend it. Spend it all. For instance, last year I took the money they paid me and bought five hundred iPhones after waiting in line for hours. After clearing out the Best Buy, I took the phones outside and smashed them one by one in front of the losers who waited in line. It was awesome. Because of shit like that, I’m stuck in this subway. I’ve been asking the Academy Awards to give me a raise for years now. Cheap bastards.” Despite his utter contempt for others, Joey’s neighbors in the subway have been helping him get on his feet and into a better life. “We just want him out of here. He defecates all over our camps and has little care for personal hygiene. He steals the cans we collect just to throw them at traffic during the day. This guy is such an asshole that we have been pooling money and giving it to him. We work all day begging and collecting cans to scrape up something for him to use to get out of here. We don’t care where, just anywhere but here. This doesn’t work, though. He seems to want to ruin our lives specifically. He tells us this, too. He says that we are the only people he hates more than the ‘fat-cat Hollywood pukes.’” What does the future hold for the most annoying man in showbiz? Nobody really knows except for the man himself. Joey Skags seems to be content living as he does: hated, homeless. Despite his constant whining and angry disposition, Skags appears to be somewhat optimistic about the bright future ahead of him. “I do enjoy my life. I just can’t stand the people around me. Who wouldn’t enjoy spending their days starting fights with people over Youtube and stealing food from homeless people? I was never one for a quiet, buttoned-down life. I like sleeping in mud and getting in fights. It’s just who I am. In terms of my future, I would like to get more into my

work. It was during last year’s Oscars that I realized my talents could be used elsewhere. For instance, I am interested in working with the Grammys as their cut-off operator. The guys who does theirs, Pauly Stinks, is way too nice to the celebrities. He just doesn’t have the anger I put into my work. He actually lives in the same subway as me. We get in fights all the time. I’ve also been wanting to get back at the music industry for not celebrating good music like Insane Clown Possie and KoRn. ” You can all witness Joey Skags at work on the 84th Annual Academy Awards ceremony coming up on February 26th! If things go as planned, it should be a night of magic and pissed of celebrities.

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The Movie Page After Fall, Winter

Based on the Trailer

February 2011

After this film, antidepressants. Directed by

Eric Schaeffer

starring

Eric Schaeffer, Lizzie Brocheré

GRADE C mike benson wrote this Break out the flannels and thick-rimmed glasses, it’s indie film time. After Fall, Winter, the most recent film from independent filmmaker, Eric Schaeffer, is at times a romantic comedy, a philosophical exploration of sex roles, and also a disturbing look into the underground world of BDSM. In other words, this is the freakiest thing I’ve seen since Unofficial 2011. The film follows the story of Michael (Schaeffer) and Sophie (Brocheré) as they seek to find love in the city of Paris, despite each carrying a dark secret. Sophie works part time as a nurse helping to console and counsel patients who are terminally ill. By night, Sophie works as a sex worker, a secret she must keep from Michael for the sake of their relationship. Michael is a writer who, after the failure of his most recent book, finds himself in a deep depression. Finding himself increasingly suicidal, he travels to Paris to start anew and to gain a new perspective on his life. Us writers at The Black Sheep can sympathize. As a romance, this movie doesn't really work. While there are a few genuine mo-

on dvd

ments between Michael and Sophie which at time are both charming and funny, the dialogue between the two characters suffers heavily from Juno syndrome. While the dialogue is clever, it makes the characters hard to believe. I thought the character of Michael as an unappreciated writer with a gift for words and ideas was interesting. However, his character had few real moments simply because he always seemed to have a snappy comeback for everything that happened. Whenever a character needed to be honest or upset, it seemed forced and unbelievable. Sure, After Fall, Winter had interesting things to say about male/female power relationships, but at times went way too far. It seemed that the filmmaker attempted to treat the world of sadomasochism in a mature way, yet took some of the visuals to unnecessary lengths. You do get a sense of the desperation and emotional trauma of the people involved, yet at times After Fall, Winter seemed to exploit some of the imagery for shock effect. Especially for a movie intended as a semi-comedic romance, some of these scenes are too in-

This movie was not all amiss, however. Despite some overdone dialogue, the characters in the film are quite dynamic and interesting. There are scenes in the film where the acting is superb. There are moments of genuine despair and moments of sincere affection. My main issue with this film is the co-existence of these two angles. This film would have been much stronger if it either took out the dark comedy and just left the dark, or took out the very dark and left it as a black comedy about two people with quirky secrets. It could have been done either way and been much stronger. It does not work as a dark-comedy romance with intense scenes of violence and degradation.

Starring: Greg Kinnear, Billy Crudup, Alan Arkin What You Need to Know: Greg Kinnear plays Mickey Prohaska, a small-time insurance agent looking for a way to jumpstart his business, reunites with his estranged wife and escape the balls-cold Wisconsin weather. What We Think: With an awesome cast and some weird surprise twists, this movie looks pretty damn interesting. Down-on-his-luck Greg Kinnear plays the perfect sad puppy dog, and we don’t blame him for hating his life in frigid Wisconsin. At the very least, we’ll at least feel better about our own lives after watching this.

Wanderlust

february 24

Starring: Paul Rudd, Jennifer Aniston What You Need to Know: These two cutie pies play a couple who leave the high-stress big city to join a community of dirty hippies who somehow still stress them out, because hippies don’t care about money or careers. Weird! What We Think: This movie looks super average (we’re blaming Jennifer Aniston), yet it borders on potentially entertaining. If producer Judd Apatow doesn’t totally generalize and mock said “hippies” too much, then maybe, just maybe, this film will be relatable and hilarious. Come on Paul Rudd, don’t let us down!

After Fall, Winter is now playing in select theaters and is available for download on iTunes, Amazon, Vudu, Xbox, and Youtube. Welcome to the future, BDSM lovers!

eric schaeffer trivia

answers are a few from here

Gone

Puss in Boots J. Edgar Martha Marcy May Marlene Tower Heist

February 28 Schaeffer held this job for nine years while in New York City.

february 17

tense for the overall feel of the film, let alone for the enjoyment of a mass audience. Put simply, a lot of the scenes of male humiliation and pain reminded me too much of my first girlfriend.

February 21

Hugo Voyage Justice League: Doom Johnny English Reborn

Thin Ice

What college did Schaeffer attend, where the average ACT score is 30?

Schaeffer's first role was in The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes, starring what Growing Pains star?

Schaeffer had a small role as a sports fan in what Adam Sandler comedy?

february 24

Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Jennifer Carpenter What You Need to Know: Seyfried plays Jill, a chick who comes home from work to find that her sister has been abducted. Coincidentally, Jill had escaped a kidnapper a year before and is worried that the same serial killer has come back. She then goes on a crazy chase to try to figure all this shit out. What We Think: Didn’t anybody give Karen Smith the memo that she should only be playing a mean girl her whole life? We’re not really sure when Amanda Seyfried became an action star, but she should probably stick to Nicholas Sparks-inspired roles. Kudos for not doing the second Mean Girls, though.


the music page

the black sheep interviews:

The Mahones

Canadian Celtic punk rockers are gearing up for a tour with the Dropkick Murphys, and what better way to do that than with a short live tour? They’re in Chicago at the Double Door on February 21st, and because they’re so damn cool, frontman Finny McConnell decided to talk to us. What a lad. By Brendan Bonham The Black Sheep: How did a guy living in Canada get interested in Celtic punk music? Finny McConnell: After I finished high school I lived in England from 1985-1990 because a lot of my favorite bands like The Clash were from there. I wasn’t going to learn anything studying classical music in university, so I decided to go and learn on the street. While in London I noticed The Pogues starting playing, and they blew me away. Being born in Dublin I never was really into Irish music that much, except for the raunchier stuff. The Pogues had all the sounds I liked mixed together. It was very inspiring. We’re one of the first bands playing this stuff—we started in 1990—when my friend who owned a bar asked me to put together a band for St. Patrick’s Day. I did it and it went over so well, we’ve been doing it ever sense.

music you’re in? Finny: I get what you’re saying and I agree, you have to work within your genre. On our album The Hellfire Club Sessions, we had a lot of external pressure to write within the genre, and we got a ton of radio play from it. At the same time, I wasn’t entirely happy with it, and with The Black Irish, our latest album I finally feel like we’re playing the music that we want to play, stretching the genre. You don’t want to turn your back on your fan base, but you gotta satisfy yourself too.

TBS: 20 years later, how has your perception of your music changed? Finny: Right now I take it more seriously than I ever have, and try to make better music than I ever have. We had a tribute album made with 20 bands around the world covering our songs, and that gave me a sense of satisfaction. I want to keep making this project better and better.

"It’s like the running of the bulls, right out of the gate we’re loud, we’re fast and we’re really fun. We want the audience to have the best time ever."

TBS: How did the tribute album work? Finny: It came about by accident. Quite a few bands were covering our songs, asking my permission to put them on their records. I mentioned it to a friend in the industry and he thought it would be a cool idea. We put up a calling for songs on his site and we had 20 bands— The Pogues, Dropkick Murphys—that liked our music doing a cover of our stuff. It’s my favorite Mahones album by far.

TBS: Given the opportunity, what would be your dream collaboration? Finny: Shane MacGowan [of the Pogues], Van Morrison, maybe Jake Burns from Stiff Little Fingers. Anyone from The Who or Dropkick Murphys. We try to get a few musical friends on each album.

TBS: Do you ever feel constrained by the genre of

TBS: When you do collaborate with people do you just tell them what to play or let them do their own thing?

Finny: We don’t really tell anyone what to do, because I brought them in specifically because I liked what they do. I mean, I respect them as artists, so I want to see what they can do with a song we’ve recorded. TBS: What’s the perception of you in Ireland? Finny: After 21 years we had never played Ireland, but we recently had a chance to play there. We did this tour, and I wasn’t sure if they’d love us or hate us, and it was just insane, people telling you they’ve waited 10 years to see you play. I was taken aback by how much they liked us and of how complimentary they were of us. The Guinness was really amazing too. TBS: Is there a different dynamic in playing with bands who idolized you, versus playing with bands you idolize? Finny: It’s the same buzz when you have a chance to play with someone you love, whether they really respect you or you really respect them. That’s the best part about making music, traveling and meeting people. TBS: For people who don’t know a whole lot about you, give them a run-down of what your show is like? Finny: It’s like the running of the bulls, right out of the gate we’re loud, we’re fast and we’re really fun. We want the audience to have the best time ever. TBS: This is probably a stupid question, but what are you drinking after a show? Finney: Guinness and Jameson.

UPCOMING RELEASES Amos Lee - As the Crow Flies Audrey Assad - Heart

Heartless Bastards - Arrow Band of Skulls - Sweet Sout

Islands - A Sleep & A Forgetting Shearwater - Animal Joy

Howlin Rain - The Russian Winds Tennis - Young and Old


the riddle

Think you know the answer? Send your guess to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and if you're right, you might win something sweet. No... something AWESOME! Okay, it might just be sweet.


23

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Mistakes to Avoid While Dealing With a Breakup slang wrote this

So you’ve been dumped. Tossed aside like a used condom. That’s a tough break. Now, we all do a bunch of embarrassing things after a breakup. We get bad haircuts and listen to terrible music. And that’s all fine and good; however, there are a few things that you really shouldn’t be doing to cope with this break up. Luckily for you, here are the biggest no-nos. Don’t Cry: You shouldn’t cry in front of the person dumping you. Nobody looks attractive when they’re bawling their eyes out with snot running down their face. I especially urge the men out there not to cry. It’s a gigantic turnoff to women, even if someone died. Second of all, whenever somebody’s breaking up with you they secretly want to see you lose your mind over it. Deep down, we’re all narcissistic pricks. If you’re crying, you’re making the person feel like losing them is something to cry about, and maybe it is, but you sure as hell aren’t going to be the one to give them the satisfaction of knowing it. Don’t Stalk: Whatever you do, don’t turn your night into a bad Lifetime Original Movie. You’re bitter and angry, or maybe you’re just really sad. But hey, that’s okay. What isn’t okay is letting that turn into an unhealthy, stalker-like obsession. Don’t delete anyone from Facebook, because that makes you look like you care enough to do so. Instead, demonstrate a little thing called self control and stay the hell off of his page. If you cave and look at his/her profile, don’t try accidentally bumping into him. Don’t collect their old chewing gum, pieces of hair, or old sweaty socks. It’s creepy and weird, and you look Helga from Hey Arnold! Don’t Sit Around Moping: Aww, poor you. You got dumped. Wah, wah, wah. You know what’s not going to help you move on? Sitting around thinking about your ex and the tragic ending to your epic love story. Turn off The Notebook and go out and get your mind off of the person who dumped you. Remember how you used to have a ton of friends? They’re still

movie trivia answers: 1) Taxicab driver 2) bard college 3) kirk cameron 4) spanglish

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there. Go see them, and remember that you can still have fun. If your friends are busy, get off your sulking ass and go to the gym. The best way to go about this is to kill ‘em with a hot body they’ll never get to have. Don’t Drunk Text Him/Her: You’re bound to go out and get mind-numbingly drunk at some point during your breakup, but do not send off any drunk texts to your dumper. You might end up sending them embarrassing texts begging them to get back together, and you’ll look like the sad, pitiful reject. You’ll end up saying things that you think are sexy like, “I just want 2 mk out w u right now, and w your tongue,” or, “I want to lik u raw, baby!” I assure you that this is the opposite of sexy. You should also refrain from sending drunken pictures to your ex. No girl wants a picture of your whiskey dick, because really, it isn’t as great as you think it is. Don’t Update Your Facebook With Sappy or Angry Statuses: Remember my talking about not wanting to feed anyone’s ego? Putting up anything that sad or particularly angry will do just that, and quite frankly, it’s pathetic. All it shows your ex is that, in his absence, you’re sitting around looking up lyrics to sad songs and crying. This extends to include passive aggressive posts that are clearly aimed towards your ex. For example, don’t say something like, “Moving on, and going forward with my life without any assholes!” We hear you kind of need one to take a dump. Don’t Go To Them Threatening To Kill Yourself Or Their Loved Ones If They Refuse To Accept Your Love: Seriously. Don’t do that. Shit’s fucked up. The bottom line is that while it might feel like your world is crashing down all around you, it really isn’t. The world will keep turning, and it’ll keep getting easier. You’ll get over the sucker that let you go, and you’ll probably find someone even better, so hold your head up, and stay classy.


class tim e

Should you show your boobs on Mardi Gras?

ans wers

5. Your favorite restaurant is… a) Anything with a buffet b) Chili's c) Pita Pit

4. Your theme song is… a) “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” by Trace Adkins b) “Like a Virgin” by Madonna c) “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO

6. Who would you do for a Klondike Bar? a) Khloe Kardashian & Lamar Odom b) Ice-T & Coco c) Kristin Cavallari & Jay Cutler

8-13: Act like Christina Aguilera at the Beach and Keep Them Covered You may be a good person, but nobody needs to see those puppies you’ve been wearing sweatshirts to cover up. You might as well see how many beads you can get to keep them hidden…for life.

7. Your version of exercise includes… a) Walking home in the morning b) Walking to get food after the bars c) Walking around the bar a few times 8. Your career aspirations include… a) Making a few appearances on pornhub.com b) Marrying rich and dressing up the pets all day c) Going Green Peace and saving the whales!

14-19: Pull a Lohan and Let One Show Now and Then Rumor has it that you’ve gotten into shape and have gained some confidence. Why not show off your new look and tease the guys and girls at the bars with a little peep-show? But don’t do it too often; keep the real surprise for whomever you go home with.

20-24: Go Tara Reid-style and Make Sure Everyone Films It If you actually make it to the bars with a shirt on, everyone will be impressed. Your facebook pictures deserve their own porn site and you have been known to break out the video camera on a nightly basis. You have many fans out there, so don’t disappoint the masses!

answer key: 2. a) 3 b) 2 c) 1 4. a) 3 b) 1 c) 2 6. a) 2 b) 1 c) 3 8. a) 3 b) 2 c) 1

2. Your assortment of undergarments includes… a) Unde..who..da…whaty? b) The usual fetish-oriented pieces c) Anything cut for a 7-yearold

3. What type of bra do you like best… a) Something lacy b) Something padded c) Just something

1. a) 2 b) 1 c) 3 3. a) 2 b) 1 c) 3 5. a) 1 b) 2 c) 3 7. a) 3 b) 1 c) 2

1. On a typical Wednesday night, you… a) Stay in, resting up for a 4-day weekend b) Can be found at the library, studying for your exam next Monday c) Taking full advantage of $1 Jager Bombs somewhere on campus

*Please note: This quiz is meant to be taken by BOTH men and women. We feel the number of male boobs being seen on Mardi Gras has gotten out of control, so please use this quiz to help make your decisions.*

class tim e

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Illinois - 2/15/12 - v20i05  

Illinois Spring 2012 Issue 5

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