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Volume 20, Issue 5 2/15/12 - 2/22/12
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Introducing: Joey Skags Oscar Speech Cut-Off Music Operator marlon benson wrote this
“Have you ever interrupted somebody at a party? You know, a guy’s telling a story, getting kind of into it, but then you hop in and steal the attention away right before his punchline? Yeah, I get to do that to Jack Nicholson.” For the past fifteen years, Joey Skags has struck fear into the hearts of our favorite celebrities as the speech cut-off music operator for the Academy Awards. The mark Skags’ work has made on American cinema is indelible, yet the man has been a reclusive figure in Hollywood, refusing all interviews and photo opportunities. Until now. In light of his fifteenth year as Hollywood’s resident dickhead, and also the up coming 84th Academy Awards ceremony, Skags has come out into the spotlight to share his story. The story of Joey Skags’ life begins in East Los Angeles in 1996. Living as a homeless man on the corner of Florence and Crenshaw, Skags devoted his time to peddling pedestrians for money to feed his alcohol addiction. It was during this period that Skags developed his sociopathic hatred for others which would prove useful in his job at the Oscars. Times were their toughest for Skags, and one night he decided to buy a fifth of whiskey and some sleeping pills to end his sad life. As fate would have it, Skags would never make it to the liquor store. On his way to get his fix, Skags ran into a very intoxicated Robert Downey Jr. who was deep within the throes of one of his twisted, alcohol-fueled cocaine binges, as he was wont to be throughout the nineties. In a brief altercation, Downey Jr. stabbed Skags with the broken end of a Steel Reserve bottle. Needless to say, the two became fast friends. After driving Skags to the hospital (it was the nineties; times were different), Robert Downey Jr. decided to make it up to him by giving him a job as a janitor for the upcoming Oscar ceremony. Skags didn’t make many friends at his new job. Coworkers called him an, “asshole,” and, “detestable.” His reputation, however, soon reached the ears of Steven Oscar, president and blood relative to the founder of the Oscars. Oscar found a way to utilize Skags’ awful, disrespectful personality for the betterment of the award show. From
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that point on, Skags has been responsible for the blaring of music in the middle of people’s acceptance speeches for the purposes of timing and entertainment. “I just want you to appreciate how much of a douche bag this guy actually is,” Steven Oscar once said in an interview. “I mean, when an actor wins an Academy Award, it
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is the most important moment of their life. No question. But then you get this jackass cutting you off with some cheesy orchestral score. It’s so disrespectful it makes me sick. On the other hand, fuck ‘em, they have tens of millions of dollars, deal with it.” Skags, however, is undeterred by his awful reputation in
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out of all the people you'll meet, Brandon Paul better be there.
see page 8
People Playing Basketball at the ARC
Pedestrian ahead! KILL HIM! see page 18
The Commute/Death Race to Class