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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 20, Issue 4 2/8/12 - 2/15/12
theblacksheeponline.com
my vicarious valentine's day carly anne wrote this Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and though I may be single, I have since learned how to enjoy my day to the maximum. It all started last year: I was living with eight other women at the time, all of whom were in happy, fulfilling relationships (those jerks), and being freshly out of a two-year relationship, I was doing my best to stay out of their fun and ensure my depression would not drag them down. I had decided to do what any sane-minded person would do on Valentine’s Day: skip my classes and stay in to watch gruesome horror movies all day. This was working swimmingly until there was a knock at the door. Being the only dope home, I answered the door to a giant bouquet of multicolored roses. “Hello, are you Stacy Shaft?” I gave the butthole deliveryman a stone face and signed his damn receipt to get him out of my apartment. I put the roses on the coffee table and continued watching The Strangers terrorize that damn happy couple. Not but two minutes later there was another knock on the door. “Hello, Tiffany Lane?” I begrudgingly answered and signed for a teddy bear the size of a real life grizzly bear. I decided my new friend, Ugly, could watch The Strangers with me and settled in once again. But what do you know? Another knock. But then it hit me. These delivery-driving saps don’t know I’m single and desperately alone! I could pretend these lavish gifts are for me and maybe I’d finally feel like I was loved again! I answered the door with the biggest, creepiest grin anyone has ever seen. “Uhhh… Whitney Summers?” “THAT’S ME!” I proclaimed as proud as a dog is of his dump. “These chocolates are for you.” He handed me a heart-shaped box of disgusting assorted chocolates. “Well, oh my goodness. My handsome, rich, astronaut boyfriend, who is going to propose on Sunday and has a big penis, must love me very much. Wait, where are you going? Don’t you want to see how in love I am?” I was ready for the next knock. I swung the door open to reveal myself in a red, silk gown, tiara, and satin gloves that went up to my shoulders. “Um… Are you Melissa Wright?” asked the lead tenor of the barbershop quartet. “You bet I am!” Then they burst out into an a cappella version of Justin Bieber’s smash hit, “Baby,” inserting my name, Melissa Wright, to make it special just for me. I was on high. I had to go and find more love. I raced out of my apartment and straight to Biaggi’s. I ordered a glass of champagne at
the bar and ran around jumping in on everyone’s love toasts before the security guard was able to catch me and toss me out. That wasn’t going to stop me, though. I stole a unicycle from a nearby bike shop and raced to the quad and attached myself to a couple’s tandem bike ride. I started singing “I’m Walking on Sunshine” as loud as I could, but the weirdo couple ditched their bike and ran away screaming. No matter. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and rushed on over to the nearest flower shop. I dashed through the store grabbing every color I could find until my arms were so full of flowers that I couldn’t see where I was going and knocked over a giant glass vase full of pebbles. “No time to help you clean this up, shop keep,” I shouted as I hiked my dress up and ran out the door, “I’m off to find more looooooove!”
continued on page 19
Other stuff
Inside
Did you change your shampoo? Your hair smelled different last night.
Well, how badly do you want to get laid on Valentine’s Day?
cancer, divorce, suicide... you know, all the good stuff.
see page 6
see page 8
see page 18
A Love Letter From Your Stalker
5 Signs You Went Home With the Wrong Guy Welcome to Creative Writing Class