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The Booze News

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 20, Issue 4 2/8/12 - 2/15/12

theblacksheeponline.com

my vicarious valentine's day carly anne wrote this Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and though I may be single, I have since learned how to enjoy my day to the maximum. It all started last year: I was living with eight other women at the time, all of whom were in happy, fulfilling relationships (those jerks), and being freshly out of a two-year relationship, I was doing my best to stay out of their fun and ensure my depression would not drag them down. I had decided to do what any sane-minded person would do on Valentine’s Day: skip my classes and stay in to watch gruesome horror movies all day. This was working swimmingly until there was a knock at the door. Being the only dope home, I answered the door to a giant bouquet of multicolored roses. “Hello, are you Stacy Shaft?” I gave the butthole deliveryman a stone face and signed his damn receipt to get him out of my apartment. I put the roses on the coffee table and continued watching The Strangers terrorize that damn happy couple. Not but two minutes later there was another knock on the door. “Hello, Tiffany Lane?” I begrudgingly answered and signed for a teddy bear the size of a real life grizzly bear. I decided my new friend, Ugly, could watch The Strangers with me and settled in once again. But what do you know? Another knock. But then it hit me. These delivery-driving saps don’t know I’m single and desperately alone! I could pretend these lavish gifts are for me and maybe I’d finally feel like I was loved again! I answered the door with the biggest, creepiest grin anyone has ever seen. “Uhhh… Whitney Summers?” “THAT’S ME!” I proclaimed as proud as a dog is of his dump. “These chocolates are for you.” He handed me a heart-shaped box of disgusting assorted chocolates. “Well, oh my goodness. My handsome, rich, astronaut boyfriend, who is going to propose on Sunday and has a big penis, must love me very much. Wait, where are you going? Don’t you want to see how in love I am?” I was ready for the next knock. I swung the door open to reveal myself in a red, silk gown, tiara, and satin gloves that went up to my shoulders. “Um… Are you Melissa Wright?” asked the lead tenor of the barbershop quartet. “You bet I am!” Then they burst out into an a cappella version of Justin Bieber’s smash hit, “Baby,” inserting my name, Melissa Wright, to make it special just for me. I was on high. I had to go and find more love. I raced out of my apartment and straight to Biaggi’s. I ordered a glass of champagne at

the bar and ran around jumping in on everyone’s love toasts before the security guard was able to catch me and toss me out. That wasn’t going to stop me, though. I stole a unicycle from a nearby bike shop and raced to the quad and attached myself to a couple’s tandem bike ride. I started singing “I’m Walking on Sunshine” as loud as I could, but the weirdo couple ditched their bike and ran away screaming. No matter. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and rushed on over to the nearest flower shop. I dashed through the store grabbing every color I could find until my arms were so full of flowers that I couldn’t see where I was going and knocked over a giant glass vase full of pebbles. “No time to help you clean this up, shop keep,” I shouted as I hiked my dress up and ran out the door, “I’m off to find more looooooove!”

continued on page 19

Other stuff

Inside

Did you change your shampoo? Your hair smelled different last night.

Well, how badly do you want to get laid on Valentine’s Day?

cancer, divorce, suicide... you know, all the good stuff.

see page 6

see page 8

see page 18

A Love Letter From Your Stalker

5 Signs You Went Home With the Wrong Guy Welcome to Creative Writing Class


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Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>

Sex and the C-U

page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week-

PAGE 7 >>

Kickin’ It With The Republican Nominees

page 17 >> Alcohol Review: Pineapple

romantic sex advice from a nonromantic person.

They say booze makes the heart grow fonder.

5

Jack

Would you be down with Rick Santorum’s santorum?

page 9 >>

contents

This Valentine’s Day relieve some stress with this drink just don’t forget to take the cap of Pineapple Jack, off.

10

Point-Counterpoint: Booze v. page 18 >> The Top Ten Ways to Cut Ties Before ValenWeed tine’s Day

We’re actually too lazy to have this argument, so it’s just a blank page.

page 10 >> My First Valentine’s Day With A Girlfriend

page 20 >> Movie Review: The Grey

Liam Neeson punches wolves, should have focused anger of PETA instead.

I sure hope I can touch a boob! Maybe two!

PAGE 10 >> I Am A Diamond

shine on, you crazy poem.

21

page 21 >> The Taco Bell Challenge

Win or lose, you get to eat Taco Bell

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp

cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

copy Editor Mike Benson

pr manageR Abbie Welch

Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen Eric Blokel

photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski

distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Landon Mills Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Michael Rottar | Alexander Dimaris

campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising?

ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Find Us At... Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine| Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | University Village | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


page four

pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

has it that it’s so smooth? Rumor ssy pu Dear Carl, ur yo t ge u me how yo Can you explain to lvet down there. ve ry tte bu y basicall Sincerely, finitely not you. Someone who’s de lutely not me, t before and is abso me r ve ne e who I’ve I’v o wh n d several strippers Dear awesome perso my gynecologist an n shave in the ee ur tw yo be re e su vic en ad to From a mix of w helpful tips fe a d ile hit puberty. mp u co yo e e I’v for r, asked on the matte razor burn-free and smoother than be shaving be posable razor and nether regions will sh single-blade dis fre e area a th e up us to ion re lot su ke t of the shower, ou p ho It’s simple! Just ma en th Th wi s. er es ov your busin d run them cream when shaving feel for those pesky missed spots an e lug uld co s uin ng and d you’re set. Pe an n where you shaved tio -lo an Re cle s. is ke g as it ta e like me th your blade for as lon smooth now. Also, if you’re awesom so to find someone to s re it’ su pe ke slo Ma ur yo ys. down e next several da th o int ttles in. ll se we t ow las ad e o’clock sh shave should eye before your fiv ing er isp wh ur yo enjoy Happy travels, Carl

a slap in the face? some life advice, or maybe just Got a question? Concern? Need ail.com Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

Surprisingly, this was not the strangest fetish party we've been to... Think your caption is good enough for Page Four? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

caption@theblacksheeponline.com

sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers

jamie chung & ian somerhalder

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> herfuffle

Breast Icky El A Snare Enjoys Rhythm

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.


05

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SEX

Romantic Sex Advice from a Non-Romantic Person

and the C-u

John McHoneyCombs wrote this

Valentine’s Day presents an interesting problem for men like me. Usually we find ourselves single on this meaningless holiday and just spend it playing video games, jerking off, and dying a little bit inside. This time, for whatever reason, a person of the opposite gender found my crude, abusive humor attractive and decided to proclaim me as her boyfriend. Now I must think of something to do other than the usual ten minute trip to pound town [Editor/Roommate’s Note: I wish it were just ten minutes.] to please her for this upcoming holiday. So here’s a little advice on how I think you can be her very own Gerard Butler in bed. First off you have to please her mentally. As awesome and flexible as the word “fuck” is, on this day it no longer has any place in your vocabulary. You’ll feel like an idiot saying it, but telling her you want to (gulp) “make love” is seriously going to make her vag quiver (oh, and don’t call it a vag, either). Pretty much your entire sex vocabulary is going to have to be approved to air on PBS. Tits will become breasts, cocks are members, and pussies are St. Peter’s gates. Basically, your pillow talk should sound like Betty White could say it without once stopping and saying, “Oh my lord!” Next is the environment. As much as she loves getting plowed in a room that hasn’t been cleaned in weeks and smells like the underside of a frat carpet, you’re going to have to shape up. Tossing that moldy laundry in your closet for once and investing in some Febreeze will make her legs open up a lot quicker than those half-eaten Bagel Bites on the floor. For whatever reason women love candles, so it wouldn’t hurt if you bought some of those and put them around your room too. Don’t go overboard, though, unless you want your room to look like a sacrificial chamber instead of a love nest. You also need to think about music. Having sex to Lil’ John’s “Get Low” may be perhaps the most fun fucking you’ll ever do, but yelling “skeet, skeet, skeet” isn’t going to keep her around that long (and if it does, then I want to shake your hand because you have just won at relationships). You should be safe with any R. Kelly song or any song where the music video takes place on a beach should be pretty good. Just don’t play “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye; that song has dried up more vaginas than it has moistened.

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Now that you finally have her in the sack, you’re going to have to do this really weird thing that most guys are not accustomed to, giving a shit about her. Focusing on her eyes instead of how funny her boobs move when she bounces is going to be awkward at first. I know every guy has that one spot on the wall they focus on to try and last longer (mine is a blood stain from where I drunkenly punched it one night), but chicks actually dig thinking you care about them so you’re going to have to look at her face. If you’re still having trouble keeping your load, just try to slowly age her in your mind until she looks like her mother or worse, yours. I hate to say it fellas, but you’re going to have to last at least a good twenty minutes until you’re off the hook in her mind. If she hasn’t gotten hers by then, well, there’s just something wrong with her, and she needs to get that shit looked at. When it’s your turn to let the horses out the gate, try to refrain from using any catchphrases, no matter how good they are. Unless of course they are Horatio Caine CSI Miami lines. Just calmly get up, put on some sunglasses and when she asks where you’re going say, “Going? I already came. Yeeeeaaaahhhhhhhhh!”


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Ken Doll wrote this

My Dearest Love, It eats at my heart that you haven’t returned my calls these past few months. Then again, maybe your phone is just broken, or you haven’t been able to check your voicemail in a while. It was so silly of you to change your number; you should’ve known I’d find it, dummy. As Valentine’s Day swiftly approaches, my mind dwells back on the times that we’ve shared together. The day we first met, for instance, when I followed you six blocks out of my way to tell you that I thought your sweater was nice. Or our one and only date, which was the first time I ever had the chance to sniff your hair. I framed the napkin you used that night to remember the occasion, I have it hung up next to the lock of hair I took from you when I “randomly bumped into you” on the bus. I figure if someone doesn’t keep things to commemorate our moments together, who will? You completely forgot about our anniversary of the time you held the door open for me before that class we had together freshman year. I waited for you outside of Foellinger for three hours so that we could relive that magical moment. It’s okay though, I know how busy you get; I’ve memorized your entire schedule. Remember the time that I stood outside of your window in a trench coat and played “In Your Eyes” on repeat for 8 hours? Actually you probably don’t remember that because it turned out you weren’t home that night, apparently you didn’t spend the day at home watching your favorite TV shows and doing your laundry like you normally do every Tuesday afternoon. Were you with somebody? What’s his name? Does he love you like I do? I’m sorry about that. You know how crazy you make me. Which reminds me, I slipped into your room the other night while you were sleeping just because I wanted to see you. Now I know I’m not supposed to because of the restraining order, but the pictures of you that I’ve stolen from your photo albums and covered the walls of my apartment with simply don’t fulfill my desires anymore. Besides, doesn’t our love being forbidden make it even more romantic? I’d like to think so. While it does make things more exciting, it would be pretty sweet of you if you could have that order removed. I’ve been getting better, I swear. I’ve stopped sending you gifts, I haven’t sent your friends and family threatening messages demanding to know what you’re doing in weeks, and I haven’t killed any of your pets in almost two months; although that’s probably because you haven’t gotten any new pets since the first two incidents. But all of these terrible things can just be some funny story that we tell our children someday. I think we should name them Roberta and Alexis, those are the names of my last two girlfriends, but let’s not talk about them, they’re gone now. You are probably planning on spending Tuesday with whomever this new person you’re dating is, but if should you find yourself alone because they mysteriously don’t come to get you, don’t let your mind dwell on the possibility that someone has repeatedly hacked them up and buried their severed body parts in my backyard. Think of calling me, who has always been with you even when you didn’t realize it. Truly, Madly, Deeply Yours, Stephen P.S. If you do decide to call me, I promise I’ll untie your mother from my basement and let her go home.

GREEN ST. & BROADWAY, URBANA, IL (INSIDE OF LINCOLN SQUARE MALL)

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07

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kickin' it with republican noms alex dim wrote this

Yep, it’s time for the Republican Primaries and eventually another presidential election. Squaring off for the Republican nomination are: Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul and Mitt Romney. Like all self-respecting Americans, I don’t hand out my purely symbolic support to the man with the most cohesive plan, best track record, or other nonsense criteria, but rather to the man I would most like to share a beer with. Here is my breakdown. Newt Gingrich: Mr. Gingrich is a triple threat: he has multiple chins, looks like a Bond villain, and is named “Newt.” There is no way you go out on the town with him and not get laid. When he hits the strip club, bitches hop on his dick before he even has a chance to makes it rain. Did I mention his name is “Newt”? That’s right, an actual human being shares a name with, what Webster’s defines as, a small, slender-bodied amphibian. Newt’s second career as a womanizer and adulterer is also well documented. Scientists have actually proven that the only surefire way to prevent his sexual advances is to first marry him and then get cancer. After that he’s on to the next one. The only problem is that Newt has already given the power of his Super PAC over to someone else and, quite frankly, I’m the jealous type, so I’m going to have to pass. Rick Santorum: I don’t know anything about this guy other than he believes that consenting adults DO NOT have a constitutional right to privacy in the bedroom. This does not mesh well with me. Just because we’re going out for a couple brews doesn’t mean you get to watch when I go down on the three-hundred pound girl I’ve picked up at the bar. Boundaries, man. 

Ron Paul: Ron Paul’s personality reduced to a single word is simply “grandpa.” He is constantly bringing up his youth just to assure everyone (including himself) that it actually happened. He rarely lets five minutes pass without bringing up his glory days as a doctor for the military. “Back in my day, when somebody needed surgery, we didn’t go to no stinking government, we just handed them a bottle of bourbon and a handsaw and said, ‘take care of it yourself.’” Although it would be pretty cool to listen to some of his stories from the Civil War, helping him change his diaper is a bigger commitment than I am willing to make. Mitt Romney: He may be a closet communist, but boy does he seem like a good time. The vaguely sexual way he stares at people may seem out of place in a political debate, but it’s perfect for a bar. I can just imagine him locking eyes with honeys across the room, waving them over, and letting the good times roll. Also, his great-great-grand-father had twelve wives and his great-grandfather had five wives. Basically, he comes from a family where keeping your pimp hand strong is not a word of advice but a way of life. I am also under the suspicion that Mitt is an undercover superhero. He has the incredible ability to side step any question with a single bound, which could come in handy should the night get out of hand. “No officer, I was not aware of the illegality of public urination, but if you have a moment, I would like to explain to you how my state’s healthcare plan does not at all resemble Obama’s.” He’s got my vote. Now with my help you’ve got all the information you need to make an informed decision. That or at least sound like you know what you’re talking about when your friends babble on about politics.


08

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Five Signs you went home with the wrong guy Mike Rottar wrote this Okay loud drunk girl, I get it. You’re single on Valentine’s Day so you’re going out with your girlfriends to get hammered and sex up the first guy who gives you the slightest amount of attention. So you’re at Kam’s, and you’ve fallen into the arms of some lucky boner. In your blacked-out mind state, you’ve convinced yourself that you found a worthy specimen to take you home and disrespect you. However, just because he seems great at the bar doesn’t mean he was a wise choice. Some of the red flags might not be obvious until he has gotten you back to his place. It may be Valentine’s Day, but that is no excuse to ignore these blaring signs that you’re making a more than a huge mistake. He has more girls plastered on his wall than he has had in his bed: While I’m cool with the occasional Hooter’s calendar or Megan Fox poster, there gets to a point where too many posters of women in a guy’s room is just too much. If there are more boobs visible than paint on the walls, he’s a total loser. How did this guy’s game actually work on you? When he takes out the condom, he asks, “Do you know how to put on one of these things?”: This is bad for two reasons: One, in your drunken mind, you might throw caution to the wind and not even bother with the condom. We can then thank the fine people at Burnett’s for another unplanned pregnancy. Two, he is probably a virgin. This means in the morning he could be a Stage 5 clinger, and will want to discuss your future, the names of your children, and where the two of you will retire together. Get out now before he tattoos your name on his chest.

There are replica medieval weapons on display in his living room: Seriously, where did you meet this dude, Red Lion or the Champaign Renaissance Faire? This is where we cross the border from weird innocent to weird dangerous. I don’t care if he says it’s actually from this sweet new video game called Skyrim he just got. After the nasty, he might want to chop your head off King Henry VIII style. Better leave now while you’re not decapitated. There is a camera set up on a tripod in front of his bed: This one is obvious. Haven’t you ever seen American Psycho? GET OUT NOW. If he doesn’t play Phil Collins records and chase you around his apartment with a chainsaw, then odds are you’ll just end up on RedTube. There is a copy of Hitler’s autobiography on his nightstand: So he takes you to his room and you notice a copy of Mein Kampf on this guy’s nightstand. You brush it off and think, “Whatever, he probably has to read it for a political science class.” Then when he pulls back his comforter, you notice his swastika-covered bed sheets. That’s right sweetheart, you went home with a full-fledged neo-Nazi. What, you thought he shaved his head because he was on the swim team? Now you have a choice to make. Leave now, or stay for some racist whoopee and have him bore you to death telling you about the glory days of the Third Reich. Just don’t be surprised when he asks you to put on a blonde wig and some blue contacts. So remember girls, Nazis are bad, and you want a guy who

is chivalrous and knight-like, not one who actually has medieval weapons in his apartment. If you encounter any of these signs at his place, start playing the “I’m on the rag” card, or tell him that you’re saving yourself for marriage. Either way, he will want you out of his apartment immediately, and you’ll live to tell your sorority sisters about how many booby posters he has hanging in his room.


09

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Point Counterpoint: Booze vs. Weed Grace Ventura and Miss Hannah wrote this There have been many great debates since the beginning of time, but none as heated and inconclusive as that of the Battle of the Titans: Weed and Booze. Both have brought such joy into our world. Yet which is the true king? Hannah: As an avid user of both substances, I feel like I am safe in saying, “Weed totally kicks booze’s ass by, like, a lot!” Smoking the reefer is obviously illegal, but once you look beyond that you’re in for one hell of a ride. Listing the positives of being a stoner would go on for days because I’m so high right now that I’ll forget what I’m talking about at multiple points throughout the conversation.

From 'da Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

If you just won the Super Bowl what would you do? "Strippers, booze and cocaine." - Jimmy S., Sophomore

Grace: If I’ve learned anything in my many years on this planet, it’s that alcohol is the greatest substance that has ever existed. Alcohol enhances emotions, shows people’s true colors, initiates behavior that a timid person would never partake in, and makes everyone slutty. Sometimes the debate arises about whether weed is better than alcohol, but I would have to say that there is no comparison. Alcohol wins hands down. Hannah: Are you kidding me? Being high is like sitting in the front row at Bill Cosby’s standup show. Nothing makes sense but you cannot stop laughing at everything he says. Grace: I’m sick of every high person thinking they’re brightening people’s day by just being high and silly. People who smoke tons of weed are absolutely no fun. You become a slothy, less attractive, boring version of yourself. You fancy yourself a genius, when in actuality what is coming out of your mouth is straight up stupid. Hannah: Want to talk about unattractive? Hangover. There is nothing worse than waking up with a pounding headache from a night of chugging Keystones. You wake up looking like your face was run over by a lawnmower and birds have nested in your hair. In order to get fucked up on alcohol, you need to drink a lot which, in turn, will ruin your entire next day.

Grace: Oh puh-lease. Drunk sex is the best because you have no inhibitions whatsoever. Plus, weed gives you the hardcore munchies, whereas if you’re trying to stay skinny, you can just drink a ton and then you’ll puke it all up at the end of the night: DIET! When you’re drunk you’re like skinny supermodel Tyra Banks, but when you’re sober you’re the fat America’s Next Top Model “kiss my fat ass” Tyra Banks. And everyone hates that. Hannah: Oh come on, everyone drunk eats and you know it. Plus the only thing you can do with alcohol is drink it. What’s fun about that? Nothing. The only remotely entertaining thing I have ever heard about alcohol is that you can shove it up your ass. The only downside is it will give you alcohol poisoning and kill you. Nothing screams, “Fun!” like someone dying. But with weed you can smoke out of a bowl, bongs, blunts, cans, apple, bottle, or even someone else’s mouth. There are even ways to get high if you don’t like smoking. The most popular are pot brownies or a vaporizer.

"having sex while high is too good for words. way better than that sloppy drunk shit you had last night."

Grace: The worst thing with alcohol is a little grogginess the next morning. When you smoke, you cough, your throat hurts, you fail drug tests, and if you’re a hardcore stoner, you can’t even relax in normal society without being high. Weed is as expensive as it is illegal, and smoking it makes people want to wear drug rugs and lots of colorful bracelets. Being a stoner makes you the opposite of fun, which is why it sucks when compared to alcohol. Hannah: “Weed makes you the opposite of fun”? That’s whack, girlfriend. Not only will you be grinning from cheek to cheek from pure happiness, but also you will be the world’s greatest food connoisseur, because everything tastes like your mouth is having an orgasm. Speaking of orgasms, having sex while high is too good for words. Way better than that sloppy drunk shit you had last night.

Grace: Who cares how you take it? Booze is like the elixir of God. Everyone gets their groove on with enhanced dance moves when drunk. So many things magically improve: your flirtiness, your sex drive, your ability to not be as awkward and weird as you are in sober-life. Overall, you’re just a more fun version of yourself. This sort of banter carried on for about another ten minutes until both the gals decided to get respectively drunk and high to decide which is best. However, these results were inconclusive as each of them just got so fucked up they decided to hop into bed and see where things went, which in our opinion, proves indefinitely that both substances are pretty goddamn awesome.

"I'm going to Disney World!!!" - Kyle P., Junior

"Go fuck Tom Brady's wife... Cause we won the Super Bowl bitch!" - Cory W., Junior


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SHOUT OUTS! My First Valentine’s Day With a Girlfriend Michael Rottar wrote this Dear Diary, The dreaded day is once again upon us. The 14th of February. The day that for so many years meant loneliness and large amounts of Jergens Hand Lotion. However, this year is different, for I have found my soul mate here on the University of Illinois campus. She is as beautiful as Kam’s is smelly. I met her in my Kinesiology 154 class: Introduction to Ice Skating. From the moment she slipped and bashed her 1980s era orthodontic headgear into the ice, I knew it was meant to be. After a casual puff from my inhaler, I skated up to her and asked what her name was. She told me it’s Deloris. Then I asked her for her number. Before I knew it, boom baby, I was in. She might have been a little concussed from the fall still and thought I was the paramedics, but who cares? I’ll take it! I made plans to go out with her Valentine’s Day night. I’m so excited. These are my first definite plans for after 8 p.m. in a while! Instead of going for the usual boring movie and dinner date, I decided to start out the evening by taking Deloris to a fancy dinner at Fat Sandwich. Nothing says romance more than a grease-induced coma. Plus it’s the perfect way to tell her that I’m confident with my body, and that it’s okay for her to pig out around me. I want her to feel as comfortable as possible. After dinner we’ll head on over to Cly’s and bust a move on the dance floor. Well, she will really. I don’t actually know how to dance, so I’ll just sit in the corner and stare at her while she dances with a stranger. Girls like that, right? Yeah, it’s super erotic. Of course I can always try to bust my classic Carlton, or even the chicken dance! It worked wonders at the eighth grade roller skating party. Once I’ve had my screwdriver and I’m feeling nice and loose, I’ll take her back to my dorm at Newman for some sweet loving. Oh man, it’s going to be so radical. I’m going to kiss her

face off. I’ll kiss her on the couch; I’ll kiss her on the chair. I’m going to kiss her all night, baby. Better head to Walgreens and pick up some Chapstick, so my lips are properly moisturized for the evening’s activities. In the morning, I’ll call home and have my mom put my dog on the phone so I can tell Bandit all about it. After that I’ll probably surf the Internet for some lucrative investment opportunities. I mean, what if this gets serious? I need to look to the future. No more late nights of World of Warcraft for me. From now on, it’s all Sims and paying taxes. Well diary, I have to go, it’s half past 10, which means it is way past this little man’s bedtime. I look forward to writing in you after Deloris and I have our magical evening in the most romantic city on Earth, Champaign-Urbana. Yours truly, Clarence Dingleberry

I am a diamond I am a diamond, sparkly and strong People ooh and aah when I come along Everyone loves me, but I must say The diamond you see before you wasn’t always this way A long time ago I was simple carbon No more impressive than the dirt in your garden Over the years I got buried deep in the Earth And that’s when I started gaining my worth The strong pressure pushed me every which way Forcing me into my structure today Many years later, I reached Earth’s surface Was polished and cleaned and readied for purchase Now all the women take one look at me and grin This spot here is where you come in Right now you’re a boy who just wants to run and play But all this will change one wonderful day You see, you’ll find a beautiful woman who makes you very happy You’ll say things to each other that are silly and sappy Flowers will smell sweeter; the sun will shine brighter You’ll want to spend your entire life right there beside her I’ll be here waiting in the engagement ring section Whenever you’re ready to ask the big question One special night you’ll get down on one knee Look her in the eye and say, “Will you marry me?”

Corey Guastini wrote this You’ll place me on her finger and make her your wife And be the happiest man the rest of your life Then you’ll be the diamond polished and strong With the love of your life nothing will go wrong Or so that would be if marriage weren’t a curse Oh, you’ll still be a diamond, but a diamond in reverse The little things will bother you and get on your nerves You’ll both get out of shape and start gaining more curves You’ll try to let things go with all the strength you can muster But you’ll lose your desire; you’ll lose your luster You’ll no longer feel like the best item on the shelf You’ll feel covered in dirt and start losing yourself You’ll be buried in work and buried in bills You’ll try to create happiness with a cocktail of pills The pressure of life will push you every which way You’ll scramble for something to do and something to say When you’ve lost your form, you’ll look in the mirror And you’ll look at your wife and it’ll never be clearer Your marriage is a mess and all you want is out You can no longer try; you can’t fight another bout But you took an oath that you would see it through And no matter the circumstance, that’s what you’ll do Until one day your body will stiffen and harden You’ll be buried, decompose and end up as some garden

To the DJ spinning at the house party on Friday: You can't clap along to every song and you need to lay down some beats that make people want to dance not have a seizure. And the song SHOUT is a horrible choice to end the night... you are the worst! To Blaise, Idk if your gay, but after grinding me on the dance floor and begging to come back to my apartment with me, I was expecting a little more then what happened...and that wasn’t my name you shouted, which concerned me… Nicole!!!! Is it still stiletto night if there’s snow coming down like kray kray? Dear neighbor two doors down from

me, I don’t understand what’s so fun about throwing phone books in the hallway, and why it causes you to yell. Catherine, I don’t think calling our professor out on her feminist remarks is going to stop her from being a feminist, but you can sure try…and fail… Dear milk, why do you always leave when it’s time to hang out with cereal? Milk and OJ just aren’t the same… Matt, were you seriously holding hands with Megan while ON the treadmill? Come on! Lisa, the gorilla glue isn’t holding my shoes together…It’s making them bigger. Mike and Jeff! I don’t remember the name of the game, but it ended with one of you getting your ear pierced SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com


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SPECIAL NIGHT WED 2/08 THURS 2/09 FRI 2/10 SAT 2/11 SUN 2/12 MON 2/13 TUES 2/14 WED 2/15

Saturday: COREY SMITH with FLORIDA-GEORGIA LINE

WED: BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

FRIDAY: Live Karaoke Band! Rock out with a live band backing up your killer vocals!

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts and Busch Light Cans! $1 Cover

BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

Colleges Against Cancer Present RELAY FOR LIFE BENEFIT featuring JOSH BRICKMAN, THE 92s, MIKE LO and DJ MVP

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!! Includes Patron, Grey Goose, Jack, Bacardi, Bud...All $2!

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Spring Events Here!

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

SUN STEREO, THE GREAT DIVIDE and A COOL HAND

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 Burgers, $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Jameson & Absolut $3 Jager Bombs

Live Karaoke Band! Rock out with a live band backing up your killer vocals!

Come try the BEST BBQ in Town!

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

COREY SMITH with FLORIDA-GEORGIA LINE

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

The Dirty Feathers Show starts at 10PM

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

$1 Bud Light Bottles Every Mon - Fri in February! TUES: $2 Burgers WED: $1 Sliders Watch Every Game on Our 150" HDTV!

Rocky Mountain Rock Star Weekend Giveaway $1,500 Cash Card & MUCH MORE! $2.50 Coors Light Bottles & Taps 15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $1 Sliders

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

Come Watch the Illini Beat Michigan on our 150" HDTV

Closed

Closed

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

$1 Bud Light Bottles!

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, & Bud and Bud Light

Check out CanopyClub.com for all our Spring 2012 concert announcements!

Salsa Night with DJ LUNIKS $1 Wells $2 Corona Bottles

Book Your Spring Events Here!

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $2 Burgers

Taco Tuesday $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Come and hear our new Piano Man - BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

EMANCIPATOR with LITTLE PEOPLE and ABBY SOBH

BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

$1 Bud Light Bottles! $1 Sliders

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke


Trust Us, She Will Notice.

We’re Pet Friendly!

Sure, she’ll appreciate the spacious apartment, the updated kitchen, even the state-of-the-art fitness center you always brag about. But most of all? The flowers in the living room, the lack of dirty dishes and your killer bod. You’re welcome.

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. 10-Foot Ceilings. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. Fitness Center. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café

SPECIAL NIGHT

BASKETBALL SUNDAY! Illini vs. Michigan Noon Bulls vs. Celtics 230PM $2 EVERYTHING!

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

WED 2/08

35 E. Green Street

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots Bulls vs Hornets 7pm

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

FRIDAY: $3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s Special Night $5.50 Jager Bombs Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers $7.95 Fish Sandwich 6-8 Daily Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

TUESDAY: STEPHEN KELLOGG AND THE SIXERS! Doors Open at 7PM

Get Your Joe's Unofficial Shirts NOW! Rock the shirt and avoid cover on the big day!

Free Shuttle from Wright & Daniel Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

Closed - Private Party Book Your Spring Events at High Dive!

Watch B. Paul & the Boys vs. Indiana 7PM 1/2 Price Burgers $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

THURS 2/09

GET ABSOLUTLY JAMO'ED! $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Absolut Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs Illini vs Indiana at 7pm

Pyramid Production Party 11-Close

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

FRI 2/10

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jager Bombs $3 Bud Light Platinum Bottles Bulls vs. Bobcats 6PM Hawks vs. Sharks 930PM

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

DJ Delayney DJ & Dancing

$7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it Bulls at 6PM!

SAT 2/11

$3 Bud Lt. Platinum Bottles $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs or any other Bacardi Flavor $3 Bacardi Oak Heart Hawks vs. Coyotes 730PM DJ Alex Polvere Spinning

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

SUPERSUCKERS! Doors Open at 8PM

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 2/12

BASKETBALL SUNDAY! Illini vs. Michigan Noon Bulls vs. Celtics 230PM $2 EVERYTHING!

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Sunday Funday w/ the Illini and the Bulls $4 Cups of Shots Free straws if you can tap your head and rub your belly at the same time

MON 2/13

$1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

TUES 2/14

$3 Strong Islands

VALENTINE'S DAY! Bulls vs. Kings 7PM Hawks vs. Predators 7PM $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells & Captain Morgan $5 Bud Lt. Pitchers

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

STEPHEN KELLOGG AND THE SIXERS! Doors Open at 7PM

1/2 Price Burgers + 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks Find your valentine on the poles...

WED 2/15

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug! $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Free Shuttle from Wright & Daniel Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$4 ICB’s

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken


The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 2/08

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ JAY $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite & $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke IL vs IND at 7PM

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

DANCE PARTY w/ DJ JOHN HAN $2.50 Captain Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Bottles $3.50 Blue Guys Capt. Morganettes 11PM!

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

DJ ERGE! Presented by 4 Rebels Vodka $3 Drinks $4 Blue Guys

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs $3 Any Bacardi Bomb $3 Bud Light Bottles

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

Kam's KRUSH & Absolut Illini (IL vs. Mich at 12PM) $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2 22oz Lite and Coors Light Drafts

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2 Burst Shots

Book your Next Party at The Red Lion Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games!

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS NITE OUT "Beer Lovers Night" $1 Fatty Bottles $2 Domestic $1 Wells, $2 Energy Btls. & Drafts Drinks, $2 Bottles $ 3 Import and Specialty $3 Pitchers! Btls. & Drafts LASSO A DATE - WIN A RIDE! V-DAY! $3.50 Double Jim Beam & Red Stag $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

BUD NIGHT! $1.50 Drafts and Bottles $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 2/15

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

TUES 2/14

BUD BAR BATTLE New Bud Lt. Platinum $1.50 Drafts and Bottles $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

MON 2/13

SPECIAL NIGHT

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

SUN 2/12

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

SAT 2/11

THURS: SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 2/10

MON: $5.50 ½lb MEGA Cheeseburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints, $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

THURS 2/09

MONDAY: "Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

SATURDAY: DJ ERGE! Presented by 4 Rebels Vodka $3 Drinks $4 Blue Guys


This Valentine’s Day, remember...

SIZE MATTERS. We don’t lie about ours!

COME FIND OUT WHY THE VILLAGE IS THE BEST PLACE TO LIVE IN CHAMPAIGN/URBANA! • HUGE 1, 2, 3 & 4 BEDROOM APARTMENTS AND TOWNHOMES. • INDIVIDUAL BATHROOMS. • INTERNET, CABLE, WATER, TRASH AND PARKING.

• WASHER & DRYER IN EVERY APARTMENT. • TWO SHUTTLES TO U OF I CAMPUS, INCLUDING LATE-NIGHT SERVICE. • AND SO MUCH MORE!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 | www.villagecp.com


Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C I P K E E W E OF TH

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Bartenders

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Week

of the

Major: RST

Major: Community Health

Relationship Status: Single

Relationship Status: Complicated?

Who is your Valentine’s Day Crush? Whoever is buying the Rumplminze

What’s the most pathetic thing you’ve ever done on Valentine’s Day? Said no to dinner. Got ice cream and watched porn

Would you rather get a rim job from Carrot Top or Flavor Flav? Flavor Flav for sure

Would you rather be mauled to death by a tiger or by a little league baseball team? Little League baseball team

Mascot you’d hook up with? I would demoralize the Duke Blue Devil

Most embarrassing bartending story? Spilled a drink on a really cute guy I was talking to all night

Favorite drinking game? Circle of Death

Worst Valentine’s gift you’ve ever given/received? Teddy bear

Longest period of time you’ve gone without sex? 21 years

Tits or ass? Definitely tits

What’s your middle name? McKoy, because my chill to pull ratio is a 5:5

Tanner Libby fat city

When you looked in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? Now we go! Dream Job? Hugh Hefner’s role Where did you have your first kiss? Still looking

drinking game:

deal or no deal

Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/girlfriend have played out. What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day! Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know. Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty. How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20. - Each person picks a card one at a time. - Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot. -Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up. - Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken. -At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt. NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power. The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.

Would you rather take a body shot off of Chewbacca or the Geico Caveman? I love Star Wars

Brittany McLaughlin boneyard bbq

How much do you bench? 200 give or take What is the creepiest thing a customer has said to you while bartending? He’s currently having a wet dream about me

recipe for disaster:

hummus A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war. What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it. Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation. - Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment. - Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic). - Pour lemon juice into blender. - Add salt as necessary. - Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross). - If necessary, stop blender to scrap the sides. - Spoon into a serving dish. - Scoop into your face with pita bread. - Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day. Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.


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PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

Pineapple Jack: Pineapple Coconut Flavored Rum C+ Overview While absolutely delicious, this alcohol is seriously lacking in the actual alcohol content. If our liquor-addled brain recalls correctly, it’s only around 30% alcohol, which doesn’t quite cut it. Then again, you can basically just slap a sippy top on the bottle and suck it down no problem, so it could be worse. History Did someone say pineapple? After a fateful plane crash onto an unmarked island, booze baron jack Miser became stranded on an island for three weeks with nothing to eat but pineapples and the few coconuts he could break open, Mr. Jack was rescued and had a bit of a pineapple obsession. Kind of the same way Shia LeBouf’s character, Stanley Yelnats, was obsessed with onions in Holes. Anyway, when you own an alcohol company that makes flavored rum, it’s a great outlet for pineapple obsession. Pineapple lovers everyone can agree that that’s just fine.

Typical Drinkers Captain Jack Sparrow, SpongeBob fans, women who vacation in Hawaii, freshmen who think they’re champs because they can, like, rip so many shots of it, Ted Mosby, alcoholics who don’t consider drinking this cheating because it’s barely even alcohol, vacation grandma with her morning breakfast, and people who model for stock photos. User Comments “I woke up married to a pineapple. An ugly pineapple.” “I just did like twelve straight shots of it, and I don’t feel a damn thing. I must have super powers!” “No, no, see I’m still 102 days sober from actual alcohol. You could serve this to kids, so I’m (hiccup) fine. I don’t have a problem anymore.”

The mixer Center Pineapple Juice: Fucking A+ Sprite: B-

Tabasco Sauce: F (unless you’re in to that sort of thing) From Bellybutton of a Hawaiian Chick: A-


18

Cancer, Divorce, Suicide: Welcome to Creative Writing Class Landon Mylap Mills wrote this

THe top ten

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Ways to Cut Ties Before Valentine’s Day Damn you, February! Who the hell has money for roses and chocolates? The pressure is just too much , so get out while you still can. 10. Cheat on ‘em This may be the most obvious way to end a relationship lickety-split, but if you’re gonna end it, you might as well go balls-to-the-wall. Downgrade as much as possible. When they feel so shitty for you picking that Rosie O’Donnell looka-like with pit stains, they’ll never come back. 9. Forget the holiday altogether Maybe you don’t want to leave your little snugglekins quite yet (after all, they’re dynamite in the sack). Just say, “Fuck Valentine’s Day” and go MIA for a while. Don’t answer texts, phone calls or Facebook messages. Avoid eye contact on the street. 8. Write an anonymous note filled with your wrongdoings Hey, it worked for Sammi on Jersey Shore, right? If you time it right, those few break up days could fall right over the Valentine’s Day window, leaving you with a girlfriend (when she eventually gets over it, and she will) and a few extra dollars in your pocket not wasted on gross fancy chocolates and teddy bears.

Creative - nice. Writing - meh. Creative Writing - WTF! Whether it’s an elective or your major, you need to know what you’re in for. Beware, there may be upwards of 4000 mg of Zoloft in the bloodstream of the class. Meet Your Professor: He just finished his third novel, and he’s better than everyone in the room, definitely the building, and probably even campus. You'll hate him for the first 8 weeks, but you’ll slowly begin to love him once he’s begun to hypnotize you. His facial hair will make at least 3 separate appearances throughout the semester. He’ll start to remind you of those weird portraits in creepy-ass houses. You know those ones that always seem like they’re looking right at you and only you. You’ll feel like you’ve learned everything while in class, but once you get out of range of his hypnotic powers you won’t be able to explain to others what’s so great about it. During workshop he believes that the author shouldn’t be allowed to speak. So sit there and let Jeff misinterpret a typo for the rest of the class and get everyone off topic for 45 minutes, preventing you from gaining anything from the whole process. He truly believes that there is no wrong way to write. He also believes that there is no right way to wrong. He’s full of this kind of shit. Did he mention his new novel? Meet Your Classmates: Across the room is the kid who claims he’s majoring in Rhetoric. Avoid him at all costs. "Rhetoric" is Douché for "Creative Writing". Next to him is the guy with more than enough facial hair to give the impression that he’s got talent. Right beside you is the kid who lives on Wikipedia. He actually believes you’ll mistake his ability to Google stuff with actual intelligence. Then next to him is a jackass who will write a 30-page chunk-of-shit story that, if edited semi-decently, would become a 4 page piece-of-shit story. Surprise, all four of these dudes are the exact same person. The Recipe for Writing Every Story You’ll Read in CREATIVE WRITING Class: Step 1: Give your main character, which just so happens to be a writer, a fatal and incurable disease. If you’re stuck you can always use lupus to get things moving. It works for House. Step 2: Base all of his/her personality traits and characteris-

tics off of yourself or one of your three closest friends. After the workshop, make sure to awkwardly tell everyone that your rape victim main character is based on your best friend. Also, don’t mention that the rape victim thing is the only aspect of the character that isn’t real. Step 3: Your first paragraph should be exactly the same as the last paragraph. This will delude you into thinking your story is like one of those Seinfeld episodes where it all comes together in the end. Step 4: Pick a superpower that has already been portrayed in at least three different comic book films. Don't go unique and come up with something original like a dude with 20/20 peripheral vision. On a related note, refrain from anything funny. These are real stories. Step 5: Create a relationship between two blood-relatives that has multiple incestuous overtones. Step 6: Choose the typical office building, a diner, a suburban apartment just off campus, or a post-apocalyptic version of the two as your setting. No exceptions. Step 7: Refrain from trying anything new or fun. Formulaic, CBS-style writing keeps people from having to think. Write as if you're writing an unfunny multi-cam sitcom (redundant, I know). Step 8: Dismiss all known conventions of storytelling from character development to the insanely overrated plot. You'll want to do little to no storyboarding if you want to keep that grungy, I-don’t-believe-in-the-backspace-key feel going. Try to put your character in a situation where the stakes are low. It's scary when things happen. Step 9: The ending. Whichever of the three options you choose (gun to the head, car to the car, or tumor to the head) make sure it's depressing and as disturbing as hell. You want readers to sit shell-shocked while muttering to themselves about how much help the author needs. If the first word in their comments is, "Wow," you've done well. If the space for comments is replaced entirely by a prescription for Paxil - even better. Step 10: Slap on a one-word, 6 to 7 syllable title and wrap it all up in one big ass dream sequence and you've got yourself a completely cliché story. Go fuck yourself, originality. Have this article signed by your advisor and receive your 3 credit hours for any CW class.

7. Leave town Just pack your bags and GTFO as fast as you can. I’m talkin’ mall cop on a Segway fast. Don’t leave a note, don’t call his or her phone, don’t apologize. Just leave. Grab the first LEX bus you see and hightail it out of Chambana. 6. Come out of the closet Whether you’re joking or not, this is always a good solution. On one hand, it ends the relationship. You are now free to go out and screw any person with any sexual orientation you desire. On the other hand, you’re now in the gay friend zone, meaning you’ll be allowed to stay in the room still while your ex undresses. 5. Be a complete asshole Good way to start? Tell her to lose a few pounds. 4. Fake your death This is a more committed version of leaving town and requires maximum participation from your friends and family. This isn’t just about the break-up anymore; you get to create a whole new identity! In your new town with your new name, no one will ever know about the time you hooked up with your 70-year-old professor in the Armory bathroom. 3. Make them think it was their idea I like to call this “Break-Up Inception.” Sit him down one day and just let him have it. Tell him about all the horrible things you’ve done as a not-so-loyal girlfriend, like the time you gave a blowie to his frat brother or that homeless dude that always stands outside of Subway. 2. Gain a lot of weight. Fast This tactic is especially effective if your partner is super shallow. It’s also easy and requires absolutely no effort whatsoever. Order some Geovanti’s, pop in your season DVDs of Seinfeld, and let the fun begin. 1. Get pregnant Nothing scares guys out of relationships quicker than the thought of becoming a daddy. Terrorize him with a few sessions of morning sickness and awkward pickle cravings. Then seal the deal by dropping the marriage bomb. Since you’re not on an episode of 16 and Pregnant, he’ll leave you because there’s no cash or limelight to stick around for.

Kitty Kat wrote this


continued from the cover I was on my way to find more romance all around the campus when I saw Insomnia Cookies. Realizing my day was short one sugar fix, I crept in behind the counter and set a small fire in the back room. Whilst all the employees were preoccupied, I snagged a giant tube of frosting, laid myself across the counter, and began squeezing the sweet nectar of sugary goodness all over my face and body. I decided the most romantic thing would be to turn myself into a clown – the happiest creature in all the world. I smeared white frosting all over my face, a big red glob on my nose and blue paste in giant circles around my eyes. Now all the men in the world would know that I’m always happy and always laughing! “Just what the hell are you doing?!” Oh no! This man was going to try to stop me from being happy, I had to run! “I am doing what women in love do!” I laughed maniacally as I sprinted back towards the quad looking for extra shows of love. “That’s not a thing!” he cried back. I spied a man on one knee right in front of Foellinger. My luck was finally turning around! I quickly shoved the undeserving girlfriend off the balcony and snatched that ring crying out, “Yes! Yes – a million times yes! Our parents are going to be so happy. Let’s get married in June. I always knew I wouldn’t end up alone for the rest of my life. Now my family can stop feeling so sorry for me – let’s make a hundred babies!” I shoved a sweatshirt lying on the ground up my dress and I had a big pregnant belly. “I’m finally going to perform one of the greatest miracles of life! We are going to be the happiest people that the world has ever seen. Love is such a wonderful thing; it’s what makes babies! Babies, babies, babies, babies, BABIES! Oh my God is that woman carrying my baby?” I rushed to my baby’s side and snatched her from the weird woman with the baby bag. Ignoring the woman’s screaming, I began dancing with my bitty baby all around the quad. It started screaming and crying like babies are prone to do, so I just gave it a little shake to show it who’s boss like my mom used to. For whatever reason this prompted a few dirty looks, but who cares – I finally had everything I want. I’m still not entirely sure why the police showed up and forced me to let the woman hold my baby and made me break off the engagement. I guess a catch like me really ought to stay on the market to give hope to all the lonely men out there. I can’t wait to do it all over again this year.

! Q B B d r a y e n o B t u O k Come Chec $1 Bud Light Bottles Monday-Friday - All February!

Tuesdays: $2 Burgers | Wednesdays: $1 Sliders We show all UFC fights on our 150” HD TV

best bbq in town! Not on campus... but not far! plus free parking! 25 E Springfield | Champaign, IL | (217) 239-7625 | boneyard-bbq.com

19


The Movie Page the grey

Based on the Trailer

February 2011

Liam Neeson fucks up some wolves. Directed by

Joe Carnahan

starring

Liam Neeson

GRADE B benson wrote this Liam Neeson has become a folk hero of late, which isn’t surprising considering he’s a war hero, trainer of Batman, and single-handedly saved his daughter from kidnappers in 2008. I mean, really, Liam Neeson has a more impressive resume than Thomas Edison. Despite his famous exploits, little is known about the man. It seems that whenever you turn your back, Neeson is in another part of the world and has taken up an entire new persona. Refusing most interviews (except Ellen Degeneres), fans and specialists have attempted to find out more about the man through the random snapshots of his personal ventures we are given once or twice a year. In 1993, people were sure that he must be around 80 to 90 years old, considering his peace work during the Holocaust. However, in 2010, it was revealed in the film Clash of The Titans that Liam Neeson was actually a Greek God for a period of time, confirming suspicions that he was, in fact, some kind of ageless being. In The Grey - the most recent documentary on Neeson’s exploits - Liam works with an oil drilling team, giving them assistance by shooting wolves who threaten the workers. You read that right, his job is to shoot wolves. Early in the film, Liam Neeson holds a gun to his own head, planning to commit

on dvd

suicide. Maybe it was his memories of the horrors of war, maybe it was the disappointment of seeing the chosen one consumed by the dark side a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, or maybe it was the culmination of all of his life’s hardships. Something told Liam that it was time to end it all. But then, as fate would have it, he hears the howl of a wolf in the distance, stopping him from pulling the trigger. This is a watershed moment for Neeson, his path was now clear: He would not stop until every last motherfucking wolf is dead. On the way back home, the plane carrying Neeson and the rest of the crew crashes. Neeson, along with six crew members, survive the crash. The following night, one of the survivors is killed by a wolf, not to be discovered until the next morning. Neeson, being the alpha dog he is, leads the pack on the treacherous road to safety. For one does not linger in wolf territory long and live to tell the tale. However, Neeson once manifested himself as a lion in the land of Narnia. Wolves may be vicious and cunning, but lions are the kings of the jungle. The Grey is survival action at its finest: gritty, intense, and beautifully directed. Neeson’s performance as himself is convinc-

ing and engaging, something rare in most action films. The Grey is as much an emotional and intellectual film on the nature of human survival and despair in the face of certain death as it is Mountain Dew-driven, spazzed-out-stabbing-wolves-in-the-face action movie. The only reason it succeeds as such is through Neeson’s performance, which ranges from tragic, to tough, to disenchanted and mournful. The drama within the group is doubled perfectly with the ravenous wolves lead by the alpha-wolf, which represent both the struggles that hound us all on a daily basis, and suggest that maybe we aren’t too different from the horrors which chase us. In the end, we find Liam Neeson, once more, searching for meaning and substance in this wild and crazy world. Will he ever find what he’s looking for? Will the cosmic answers, the questions of which have driven him to the edges of the universe and back, remain elusive? I believe Liam Neeson is searching for the only knowledge that matters. Knowledge which resides within himself, yet is blind to his eyes. That knowledge is: Who is Liam Neeson? He, and only he, can discover that. We can only by grateful that he brings us along for the ride, time and time again.

liam neeson trivia

Starring: Greg Kinnear, Billy Crudup, Alan Arkin What You Need to Know: Greg Kinnear plays Mickey Prohaska, a small-time insurance agent looking for a way to jumpstart his business, reunite with his estranged wife and escape the balls-cold Wisconsin weather. What We Think: With an awesome cast and some weird surprise twists, this movie looks pretty damn interesting. Down-on-his-luck Greg Kinnear plays the perfect sad puppy dog, and we don’t blame him for hating his life in frigid Wisconsin. At the very least, we’ll at least feel better about our own lives after watching this.

Wanderlust

february 24

Starring: Paul Rudd, Jennifer Aniston What You Need to Know: These two cutie pies play a couple who leave the high-stress big city to join a community of dirty hippies who somehow still stress them out, because hippies don’t care about money or careers. Weird! What We Think: This movie looks super average (we’re blaming Jennifer Aniston), yet it borders on potentially entertaining. If producer Judd Apatow doesn’t totally generalize and mock said “hippies” too much, then maybe, just maybe, this film will be relatable and hilarious. Come on Paul Rudd, don’t let us down!

Gone

The Rum Diary Human Centipede II All Things Fall Apart Paranormal Activity 3

February 21 Neeson is of what descent?

february 17

answers are a few from here

February 14

Puss in Boots J. Edgar Martha Marcy May Marlene Tower Heist

Thin Ice

What famous brewery did Neeson once work at?

Who was Neeson's wife, who died in a skiing accident in 2009?

Needson made how much for the film Taken?

february 24

Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Jennifer Carpenter What You Need to Know: Seyfried plays Jill, a chick who comes home from work to find that her sister has been abducted. Coincidentally, Jill had escaped a kidnapper a year before, and is worried that the same serial killer has come back. She then goes on a crazy chase to try to figure all this shit out. What We Think: Didn’t anybody give Karen Smith the memo that she should only be playing a mean girl her whole life? We’re not really sure when Amanda Seyfried became an action star, but she should probably stick to Nicholas Sparks-inspired roles. Kudos for not doing the second Mean Girls, though.


21

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Beat The Black Sheep:

The Taco Bell Challenge

Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan

The Challenge

How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?

TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.

TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.

The Prediction

I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.

The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a co-worker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.

Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)

time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds

Are You In?

Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.

The Aftermath

Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.

Don’t Believe Us?

Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.


seek and find

Do you think you can find all this shit in that little fancy room? It ain't your mama's messy dorm room, so good luck, bro. Send us an email at games@theblacksheeponline.com showing us or telling us where everything is, and we may just give you some lovin'.


m.a.s.h

class tim e

tally

box

what does your future hold? Husband

Wedding Location

Honeymoon

• Benedict Cumberbatch

• New York City…Subway

• Fukushima, Japan

Mode of Transportation

• Bennie Hill

• Subway, the restaurant (no catering

• Muncie, IN timeshare

• Tandem bicycle

• Ben Roethlisberger

required!)

• Darfur

• Razor scooter

• Benjamin Button

• Mall of America food court

• Korean Demilitarized Zone

• Boatcar

• The set of Pet Sematery IX

Wife

• Servant boy

Small Side Business

• Courtney Stodden

Bridesmaids/Groomsmen Gift

• Kourtney Kardashian

• Sweet mix tape

• Bulletproof vest test subjects

• Cuckoldry

• Courtney Love

• Strap-on

• LARP fill-ins

• MISSIONARY ONLY

• Courtney Cox

• Selling used bottle nipples on eBay

Sexual Fetish

• Orphan wrangling

• Female domination

• Applebee’s gift certificate

• Realdoll threesomes

• L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics

class tim e movie trivia answers: 1)IRISH 2) GUINNESS 3) NATASHA RICHARDSON 4) $5 MILLION

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Android

For iPhone and Android Search Black Sheep Mobile


class tim e

the crossword: animal mascots

the clues

1

12

E M F R O G

13

14 16

17

18

Across The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of he sea. (2 Words) A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) ohn Wayne nicknamed dog oves baked beans. Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)

15

answers >> Down The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer. 1

class tim e

11

18) He’s addicted to Smack(s). (2 words) DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

1

10

9

9

A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 6 7 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S

8

G 10 E T 11 T O U C A F C F O E B 13 R E Y L L 16 D O G

7

D I

6

5

18

4

across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 words)

Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)

3

Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

2

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great location to campus • private bedrooms • utilities included • fully furnished apartments 217.367.0720 • 302 E. John StrEEt, SuitE 100 Rates, fees, deadlines and utilities included are subject to change


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