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The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 20, Issue 3 2/1/12 - 2/8/12
theblacksheeponline.com
How To: black history month john mchoney combs (our black friend) wrote this
Well friends, my time has finally come. That’s right; Black History Month is right around the corner. It’s a solid month where I don’t have to listen to white people quote Lil’ Wayne lyrics, and you whiteys are forced to feel guilty every time you turn on the History Channel. I understand this month can be a bit intimidating (especially since it’s a leap year, 29 days this time, bitches) to those of you in the majority but fear not. I’ve decided to give you some tips on ways to connect with your inner Jesse Jackson and feel a little more at home for the next twenty-nine days. Make a Black Friend: A black friend is well worth the investment. Who wouldn’t want someone they could rely on to validate why something they said or did couldn’t be construed as racist? He’s friends with you, isn’t he? This isn’t nearly as hard as it looks. Most black people are rather friendly, and are more than happy to have white friends, but so many of you just try too hard to impress us. Your first mistake will be to try and identify with us through pop culture, saying you can’t wait to see that new Denzel Washington movie or asking how “dope” we think the new Jay-Z album was. We all know what you’re trying to do and will throw you a curve ball by asking you when Wayne Brady is going to get a new show. Just be yourself, embrace your whiteness and proclaim that macaroni and cheese is a full meal. It’s all right. Your second mistake will be to compliment us on things that just sound slightly racist. You don’t mean any harm, but for the last time I don’t know how I get my hair like this and no you can’t touch it. Lastly, don’t try to impress us with stories about how you totally grew up around black people and know what it’s like to be the minority. Just because you studied abroad in apartheid-free South Africa does not mean you get street cred. Watch a Tyler Perry Movie: The day I knew I could completely trust my best friend wasn’t when we spooned in the wilderness for warmth and there was a brief moment of penetration. I knew I could trust him when I jokingly asked if he knew who Madea was and without provocation he said that he loved Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Sitting through and actually enjoying a Tyler Perry movie will earn you major brownie points in the eyes of the black community. At first your enthusiasm will be met with suspicion and confusion but by the end of the movie we’ll be yelling “Oh snap!!” right along with you. Tyler Perry is our “Ernest goes to [insert unexpected, wacky location here].” Nobody really understands why these movies are as popular as they are, but identifying with the main demographic that enjoys them will give you nothing but bonus points. Don’t Openly Bad-Mouth Obama: Politics suck for sure. I hear more and more people
complaining about the government, and that’s fine. I hate a lot of the ways politicians act too. However, I have noticed that people will just completely tear apart the president in front of me and then look at me like I’m supposed to say something other than, “Yeah, that’s fucked up.” Then if my response isn’t in depth enough for them, they’ll just straight up ask me what I think of Obama. I don’t remember anyone giving a shit about what I thought about Bush when he was in office. Black people don’t care if you do or don’t like the President; you have plenty of reasons to go either way. However, just badmouthing Obama in front of us to try and see some kind of reaction is in and of itself kind of fucked up. I don’t ask women what they think of Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin because I already know that they think they’re a bitch and a dumbass respectively.
continued on page 19
Other stuff
Inside
It's an Election Year (?)
Just because you don’t follow politics doesn’t mean you can’t talk about politics.
We break down the weekend’s most epic bout.
Everything we’d want to see in the perfect professor.
see page 7
see page 9
see page 18
The 3rd Annual Smash Bros. Championship
Dr. Studmuffin