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  Brought to you by  

The Black Sheep


The Booze News

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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 20, Issue 2 1/26/12 - 2/1/12

Gentlemen, welcome to the arc byrnes after reading wrote this

Now that the spring semester has started, it is evident that many, many people thought they were all of the sudden “out of shape” when they ate that last piece of Christmas fudge or had one too many New Year's toasts. First, ladies and gentlemen, you're not out of shape! It's not like you got the diabetes! Secondly, are you really going to stick with it, even with all of the syllabus week celebratory Keystone Lights? I think not! But hey, I'm an optimist, so go juice up and hit the weights! I realize that most of those who drunkenly promise themselves to finally walk into the ARC to get active, seeing as how it is the last semester they'll be here (yeah, talking to you), will be unfamiliar with the layout of the place and what kind of creatures they'll encounter. Let me fill you in. You are going to arrive near the corner of 1st Street and Peabody, bringing back a lot of good and bad - but mostly bad - memories from freshman year. Remember that time when you got diarrhea in the opposite sex’s bathroom at Weston? Good times. Anyways, walk in through the unusually slowly reacting automatic doors and move toward the iCard checker. He will either be very polite or extremely pissed off. There is no in between. You can wander around to the left and right and find all of the basketball/volleyball courts and pools, but forget that—you are there to get yolked, not play around like summer camp. If you are just trying out the ARC, i.e. looking for poon tang, guys will want to stick with the ground floor and 2nd floor. There you will find plenty of ladies working on their cardio, lightly working the treadmill, stationary bike, or elliptical, as well as all kinds of core work. Sexy, right? Oh yeah. For the daring ladies who want a big bulky meat machine to pick them up should head down to the weight room all the way in the basement. Now, a word of caution: If you think it is a good a idea to go down there and start talking to all the guys because that is what you are there to do, do not. Guys like to get sweaty with each other and give mean looks. It is hostile territory, and you may get in someone's way. Once you are finally ready for some physical activity, many options will appear. The first thing you should do is hit the weights. Notice the fellas near the dumbbell section, bunch of wimpy sad sacks, eh? The legitimate dudes are on the benches doing presses, rows, and all kinds of good stuff. Beware, however, of the narcissistic curlers, those guys just working and working and working their biceps, checking themselves out

Other stuff


in the giant mirror without batting an eyelash as if they are actually watching their arms get bigger. How are your legs feeling? Sore? No? Makes sense. Maybe the weights just aren't for you, and you would rather just go for a jog (pronounced yog), but you cannot run in place. You need to be moving! Check out the onefifth mile track upstairs; it is pretty sweet. While there, say hello to that foreign guy running around in khakis and a polo, because apparently they do not tell you that gym shorts and t-shirts exist when you get off the boat. Jesus, wear a fucking undershirt! No one needs to see that chest hair. The run was not satisfying? Eh, that's okay. You know what? May as well get back to White Horse and grab a brew! It is not like beer is going to give you the diabetes. CHEERS!

Somos las Ovejas Negras, y nosotros no habla bueno español.

after three and a half years, this dude won't bro no 'mo.

There’s no shame in demanding to share a shower with your roommate.

see page 6

see page 9

see page 19

Foreign Language Class: What the Hell

Fratstar Announces Retirement

Becoming A Creep In Your Own Home




















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Table of > > > PAGE 5 >>

How to Stay Sexually Active page 16 >> Bartenders of the Week Tits McGee could very well be In the Winter the Belle of Billy’s ball.

We’re down with going down under a down comforter.

PAGE 7 >>

contents 7

Wikipedia Blackout Causes page 17 >> Alcohol Review: iX Mixer After a rough syllabus week, Rick Perry to Drop Out of we take a break with a hangover Presidential Race cure. WHY CAN’T WE READ ABOUT THIS ON WIKIPEDIA?

page 8 >>

Jersey Shore No More

page 18 >> The Top Ten

page 9 >>

From the Streets

page 20 >> The Movie Review

At this point it’s no longer ironic, got it, people?

If You Were Women’s Underwear, Which Type Would You Be?

PAGE 10 >> People Should Not Be Getting Engaged Yet


Fashion Embarrassments that you fools "used to" make.

The only way to make Red Tails more offensive is with black face.

page 23 >> A Letter to My Former Self


Hey men, if it’s oozing and red, you should probably get it checked out.

Oh, so you think you’re happy? Well fuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuu.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Ken Halvachs | Sarah Langer Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Landon Mills Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Michael Rottar | Alexander Dimaris cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr managerS Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? Advertising? Hate Us?

Find Us At... Big Mouth’s | Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine| Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | University Village | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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pic of the week >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

while I was on is Asian gentleman th th Dear Carl, wi x se d ha I drunk that I do? Last week I got so mpon out. What do ven’t gotten my ta ha ll sti I d. rio pe my Help me! Tampowned g ng. First of all, havin ”, Dear… “Tampowned you serious? That is absolutely disgusti pe ho I ol. co t t is no Are someone you just me your tampon out? Just, OH MY GOD. n th what sounds like tte wi d go t rio n’ pe ve ur ha yo u yo on sex rning. Secondly, wa ything about it? a an lla fe ne do or t po n’ e you gave th ago? You have ek we a s wa e yourself all the is Th am ? sh ck ss. You need to ne What the actual fu od go my some Oh a? ur vagin That could lead to How cavernous is yo care of. Seriously. en n th ke t ta Bu at e. th lif t ge for d you infertile way to McKinley an think maybe make . I d ew an ly, , ns ird tio Th ec g. inf din nasty yeast like you bree ve we want people again, I don’t belie ail me again. Please don’t ever em Carl

If this whole college thing doesn't work out, may we suggest a career as a sex slave?

face? ice, or maybe just a slap in the adv life e som d Nee n? cer Con Got a question? Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

got party pics? we really, really want to see them. really.

sexy anagrams >>> last week’s answers

Diora Baird & Christopher Meloni

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Hairvoyant

Jack Mini In

A Ragbag Cleanlier

submit your own word at if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: One’s ability to judge the cleanliness of a potential mate’s pubic region based on their appearance when clothed. Bethany’s hairvoyant nature proved correct when she accurately predicted Kevin’s Black Forest balls.



and the C-u

How to Stay Sexually Active in the Winter cleves wrote this

It’s pretty easy to get laid when it’s warm outside — people wear less clothing, everyone has a nice tan, we’re usually a little slimmer in the summer months, and the glisten of sweat makes us look tenfold more attractive. Pheromones or something. I read in some scientific magazine that humans are the most “randy” between the months of May and September. Does anyone really use the word “randy” anymore? Well, I just did. Anyway, that leaves us sexually-driven college students in a bit of a dry spell during the winter. Hell, you’re lucky if you even see me leave my apartment when it’s this damn cold outside, let alone ready to do sex. So I’ve come up with a few ways to satisfy your cravings without having to delve into the inevitable sadness that is fetish porn and masturbation for five months straight. As much fun as it is to slap your own salami every so often, it’s just not as great as the real thing. Despite what your ex-boy/girlfriend has told you.

ness, weirdness. That can scare any person away from having sex. Even the creepiest of the creeps! So I figure, these three keys to comfortable anal sex will probably work for regular sex as well. Unless you’re into anal... that’s cool too. But yes, use lube, talk to your partner about using lube, and just relax. Enjoy the ride. Wow, who do I think I am, Dr. Phil?

Dress Slutty Without Risking Hypothermia Ladies, I know that it’s nearly impossible for some of you to get ass without dressing like a two-cent hooker. And for you girls running to the bars wearing nothing but a tank top and mini-skirt, good luck with, well, living. Fear not though, because you can still stroll into the bar wearing little to nothing without having your nipples freeze and fall off. It’s all about wearing layers. First, put on your slut-fit. Then long underwear, sweatpants, breakaway pants, a turtleneck, sweatshirt, and winter jacket. Run behind the bar, strip down, keep your extra clothes in a bag, pay a homeless person to keep on eye on them, and then go do your thing. No promises that the homeless won’t ejaculate onto your clothes, but at least you’ll look hot.

Have Week-Long Sex Fests The worst part about being sexually active in the winter is the mere fact that you just don’t want to leave the warmth of your apartment. There are some weather advisories in Champaign that can steer you clear of even the best sexcapades. To solve this issue: orgies that last a week! Or longer. Instead of going out, finding a partner, making sweet, sweet love, and leaving the next day, just have everyone come to you! Invite all your friends! Tell them to bring a few changes of clothes, maybe some food, bottles of alcohol, and go nuts with each other. Make a party out of it! Switch partners, switch rooms, give each other advice/suggestions. All without having to step foot outside. And everyone else will be happy, because they won’t have to leave your place for a while either. And they’ll be getting lots of action.

LUBRICATION! COMMUNICATION! RELAXATION! I once went to heard from a friend about a “class” that taught how to effectively have anal sex. Apparently, these are the three main instructions. I mean, it’s not that easy! And normal sex can be a little rough when it gets cold outside. Cold weather= dryness, rough-

See? There are ways to be highly sexual during the cold winter months. The months that have the reputation of being lonely and horrible. No need to cancel your birth control prescription or renew your nudey magazine subscription quite yet. Just take my advice and you’ll be ending that dry spell in no time. Now that’s what I’m talking about!


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Foreign Language Class:

What the Fuck?

john mchoneycombs wrote this

By all accounts, this semester should be my easiest. I have one class Monday, one class Wednesday, and no classes Friday. However, if I wish to graduate on time I have to subject myself to the pain and horror that is the foreign language department. Have you ever talked to someone who was really good at English and claimed that they were so clueless at math that for them it was like trying to speak another language? Well, there’s a reason they compare the world’s second shittiest thing to the world’s first shittiest thing. Unless you grew up in a bilingual household, English is probably the only language you speak. It is actually scientifically proven that your ability to learn a second language deteriorates the older you get. Add that in to a college environment where you drink heavily for five nights a week and only attend about half of the classes, and you’ve created a world in which one can barely master his own language. Sure there are benefits to being able to speak another language, but there are also benefits from everyone else learning to speak English. Being a black man and a writer, I’m usually a pretty liberal person. But if Rick Perry promises me that everyone else should learn Uh-merican, then he’s not only got my vote, but I’ll help him relaunch his campaign. In any given foreign language class there are two types of people: the ones who get it, and the ones who are so lost they’re trying not to swallow their own tongues in confusion. If you don’t understand what my issue is, then you are most likely in that first group, and you can blow me. At first you will start out on an even playing field with everyone. Slowly but surely you will fall so far behind the professor will not even humor you with feeble attempts to try and instruct you and will instead just teach those who get it.

The university doesn’t seem to understand that there are some people whom languages just don’t come naturally to in the same way drinking every night doesn’t come naturally to some people. These people will try to drink the same amount as their heavy drinking friends but, for whatever reason, will not get any better. I have accepted the fact that there are people like that in the world, but unlike the university, I don’t withhold a Bachelor’s degree from them because they suck at it.



We know part of this was brought upon ourselves by opting to play a stupid fucking instrument in high school instead of basically taking the Spanish equivalent of kindergarten. But we figured that we’d be using neither of them after high school anyways. We would’ve been right if U of I admissions hadn’t decided it’d be better to make us pay thousands of dollars to make you learn the words to "Feliz Navidad." If they wanted to avoid confusion then it is my personal belief that the University should enclose a letter to every incoming LAS student explaining just how much of a shit show their foreign language classes are. I imagine that letter will be something like this: “Dear prospective student, Congratulations on getting into the University of Illinois! We see that you only have three years of Spanish under your belt so you may want to consider doing whatever you fucking can to get another year before you show up. Seriously, I’m not kidding. By the end of the first semester you’re gonna be expected to speak this shit fluently. Can you even roll your ‘r’s? What’s that? You’d rather take Photography your senior year of high school? Hahaha, I’m sure you can get a job developing Polaroids at Walgreens after you drop out here.”

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Wikipedia Blackout Forces Rick Perry to Drop Out of Presidential Race Mike Benstonovitch wrote this In an unprecedented showing of cooperation among the public and respectful dissent against authority, many major websites, including Wikipedia, Reddit, and The Black Sheep Online, coordinated an internet-wide blackout in protest of archaic ideals, unfair legislation, and corrupt governance. On January 18th, Wikipedia and others went black and refused to show content for 24 hours, accomplishing the goal of giving Governor Rick Perry no choice but to drop out of the 2012 presidential race. While the Wikipedia blackout was a bit of an inconvenience for college students trying to cite papers in a hurry, and the Reddit outage was a slight nuisance for people trying to kill some time at work, these blackouts proved to be completely disastrous to the basic functioning of Rick Perry’s entire campaign. On the day of January 18th, 2012, without the aid of general information provided by Wikipedia or pop culture references supplied by Reddit, Perry was unable to show a basic knowledge on any subject or hold a conversation not entirely comprised of Biblical quotes and homophobic slurs. In a speech delivered after the re-appearance of Wikipedia, Perry announced both intention to drop out of the presidential race, and also the shame of having the world discover his secret. “My fellow... hold on it’s loading... Americans! It is with great shame that I announce my...hold on let me look up a synonym... departure from the 2012 presidential race. While I hope that my stances on the death penalty, education, and religion live on without me, I... I, uh... wait a second, ‘Separation of Church and... State?’ I just looked this up, is this really a thing? Well I’ll be damned!” It is now known, as is the case with this particular announcement as well, that all of Perry’s speech’s have been delivered with the aid of a Wikipedia smartphone app which Perry would glance at while speaking. Subsequently, Perry has come out in saying that his famous mind-fart of the agencies he wished to abolish was caused by a text he received while trying to read the answer off his phone.

While the revelation of his inherent ignorance of anything outside of his line of sight was a major factor in his drop from the race, Perry has also admitted to several other reasons relating to the blackout. “Yeah, while Wikipedia going down was definitely a major factor, I was also really stricken by the absence of Reddit. I can stand the humiliation of people knowing that I rely on Wikipedia for knowledge, but when I was without my precious memes and rage comics, it really made me question what I was doing with my life.” In a statement, Perry admitted his Reddit username to be perrycatz69. A quick investigation into the account showed that Perry possessed a pathetic karma score of 150, with his best submission being a repost of a parody of one of his own campaign commercials. Undeterred, Perry has announced that following his defeat he plans to spend a lot more time on Reddit. Whether a strong opposer or avid supporter, one must admit that the world is better without Perry in the race. This has nothing to do with his political views or character. We at The Black Sheep feel that it is an unavoidable fact that there will soon come a politician, whether democratic or republican, who will get himself elected president and then reveal himself to be the all living, all dying lord of the underworld. Through crooked political dealings and demonic legislation, this politician will singlehandedly enslave the human race and drive the world into a chaotic wasteland of murder and insanity. However, we are just thankful that it won’t be this guy.


jersey shore no more Dear MTV Executives,

Hannah ‘HWOWW’ Johnson wrote this

I am writing this letter as the voice of my generation (actually anyone with a television would probably agree with me). I don’t know if you have heard this before, but Jersey Shore sucks hard. On a rating of attractiveness from Snooki to Sammi Sweetheart – it’s like a Deena, and that’s pretty bad. It was fun in the beginning when JWOWW and Sammi Sweetheart were pulling each other’s hair out from pure hatred, when Snooki was still snookin’ for love, and when Pauly D and Vinny were just friends, but that's all changed. It is time to end the repulsive show and head back to scripted television, or at least play more Beavis and Butthead in their place, that there’s just good American TV. The show is so bad that it has gotten to the point that even cast members are leaving the shore. I can only hope that the rest of the cast will take a hint from Vinny and leave my television screen forever. It’s time for them to move on to bigger and better things and get a real job because ‘smushing,’ getting drunk, and tanning all the time isn’t a job — I think that’s what you call college, and these idiots are all uneducated in their thirties. There’s a point where it’s just sad. Hearing that Jersey Shore is not a fan favorite may come as a shock because of how popular the cast has become, but that time is gone for good. The so-called “stars” of this show are becoming infamous for other aspects of their life. For instance: Snooki and her novels, The Situation for bombing at the Roast of Donald Trump, and JWOWW for her out-of-character clothing choices in the January issue of Maxim. I say let them pursue these other outlets because there is no need for you to continue paying them thousands of dollars per episode just to film them fist pumping at Karma. I have heard rumors swirling around that JWOWW, Snooki, and Pauly D may be given their own spinoff shows in the coming years. What are those shows going to be called? JWOWW’s Plastic Surgery Hour, Snooki Got Book-ied in Jail, or the future cult-classic Skin Cancer with Vitamin Pauly D? I can’t wait to see the Nielson ratings on those shows. They will be lower than The Situation’s ACT score.

Meanwhile, the rest of those leeches on society will have to fend for themselves in the real world. Ronnie will most likely be admitted into rehab for his obvious steroid use, The Situation will be forced into retirement because of his old age, and Deena will Jersey Turnpike herself into a wheelchair. This doesn’t sound all that bad to me. I almost prefer to hear them suffer like I have done the past three years watching the damn show. I’m pretty sure my IQ has been permanently damaged, because images like that stick with you forever. I hope these were all the reasons you needed to hear, because I do not want my kids to fall victim to shitty reality television like the ones before them did. I can only hope that all copies of this show will be burned and/or destroyed when that time comes. I am getting ahead of myself, though. At this moment in time, I am just asking you to remove Jersey Shore from my television screen. Thank you so much for your time. It has been an honor and a pleasure to be in contact with the people that put this shit on the air in the first place. Sincerely yours, Hannah Johnson


From 'da Streets


Got a question you want us to ask?!

Announces Retirement

If you were women's underwear, which type would you be? "Thongs, I like to be all up in the dirt star." - Westin M., Sophomore

after 3.5 Years ken doll wrote this After three and a half years as a dedicated alcohol and sex enthusiast, Thomas Jackson, more commonly known as “TJ,” announced he was hanging up his Derrick Rose replica jersey and flat-brimmed cap in order to a pursue higher education. I sat down with TJ to get the inside scoop on his decision and to reflect on what has been a very successful career in fratstardom. TBS: Now TJ, you got into this game the same way most did; you got to school, joined a house, and put in your work as a pledge. In other words, you spent a semester doing push-ups and scrubbing vomit filled toilets. Would you agree? TJ: First off, Ken, it’s not just a game; it’s a lifestyle. And pledgeship isn’t just about push-ups and cleaning the house, it’s about commitment. Drinking so much that you vomit day in and day out, trying every narcotic that someone puts in your hand, and hooking up with every chubby, unattractive girl that the upperclassmen throw your way is all a necessary step towards becoming a champion. TBS: Well put TJ, that’s just the word that should be used to describe a man of your accomplishments—champion. With 15 consecutive beer pong game victories in one night, two threesomes, and over thirty sexual partners on record, one could say that you’ve had a very accomplished college career. Looking back what was your favorite moment? TJ: Looking back, I’d have to say that my favorite moment was the walk of shame home with my buddy Al. Spitting game is all about teamwork, everyone needs a solid wingman and Al’s the best out there. The night that we hooked up with roommates is a perfect example of a team working together to accomplish something great. Plus there’s nothing like highfiving your best friend after getting a morning blowjob.

left and I’ve finally decided to get an education. I’m even taking a three hundred-level class this semester. TBS: Wow, sounds like there’s quite a challenge ahead of you. What would you say is your inspiration for this life change? TJ: It turns out my parents enjoyed my time away at school more than I expected. Turns out they changed my bedroom back home into their own personal sex dungeon. TBS: WOAH!!! Uh… TJ: Yeah. Imagine the chest that used to hold your Legos is now housing dildos and your dad’s assless chaps. TBS: Please, don’t make me picture that. TJ: So for obvious reasons, I’ll need a job so I can afford to move out.

"there's nothing like high-fiving your best friend after getting a morning blowjob."

TBS: Sounds bromantic. Well, I think the question that everyone is asking is: Why now? It’s your last semester of senior year, everyone else is going balls to the wall, why are you deciding to leave? TJ: Well, Ken, after a meeting with my advisor I came to the unfortunate realization that, despite my best efforts, I will be graduating at the end of this semester. With this in mind I decided to stop being such a useless fuck and try to make something of myself. I’ve got one more semester

"None, because I like to get balls deep." - Nick S., Freshman

TBS: Well I hope that all works out for you. Now does this move towards legitimacy mean the end of the tales of TJ? Or are there still more stories to come? TJ: I love the game, Ken, so there’s no way I can just walk away entirely. I’m still planning on going all out on Unofficial, and the boys can plan on lining up outside my door to applaud for the occasional random drunk slut’s walk of shame. And as for long term, maybe I’ll come back as my house’s advisor one day. I feel I have a lot of knowledge about how to pregame, get girls out of their bras, and spot possible STDs. Plus being an advisor gives me an opportunity to pick-up coeds long after I’ve graduated. TBS: A solid point. Well, TJ, that’s all the time we have, I’m afraid. While it is tragic that your career was cut short by your parent’s sexual deviancy, you’ve had a great run and are retiring a legend. TJ: Word.

"Granny panties, because I like the silver ones." - Harry P., Freshman



People Should Not Be Getting Engaged Yet Corey Guastini wrote this I can’t believe Sara and Mike are engaged. Twenty-one is so young! They have their entire lives ahead of them; this is way too early to tie yourself to another human being for eternity. All I know is I’m glad I still have the freedom to follow my dreams, play the field, and do things on my own watch. In no way does the news of a friend my own age getting engaged stir feelings of doubt over my current position in life or spur a sense of urgency that I, too, must find a mate soon or else risk withering away a lifetime alone before I die in a sterile white hospital room surrounded by no one but an impersonal nurse waiting for her shift to end so she can go see a movie with her fiancé. Nope, I am one hundred percent sure getting engaged at such a young age is the wrong idea.

in a foreign bar while I occasionally glance at a group of gross Brazilian girls I overhyped in my head all the while thinking about Mike starting his very own loving family. That just won’t happen! Because I’m living it up!

There are so many people on this planet. Why wouldn’t Mike give himself the opportunity to explore the possibilities? I just find it very hard to believe the love of his life was waiting for him in the first place he looked. There’s a whole world out there! And I intend to explore it to its fullest. I’ll date city girls, small town girls, short girls, tall girls, maybe even Brazilian girls! Not once will I wonder if there might not be anyone out there for me. I’ll certainly never throw back shots alone

actually make something of myself. I’ll be a hotshot career man, and all the beautiful girls will be after me by my late twenties. I’ll be married by thirty, no doubt. Mike will be jealous of me and my gorgeous wife, spacious home, and slick car. There’s no way I’ll lie awake in bed late at night wishing I had locked up a wife in college when I had a better chance because it’s so goddamn hard to find a woman with a demanding job sucking up all my time and energy. No, sir, I’m better off than

I’m on the career path. After college, I’ll be free to take a job anywhere in the country without having to worry about what a wife wants. From there, I’ll get promotions and

Mike. I’ll be able to hang out with all of my other single guy friends and look for the girls who waited until later in life to get married just like me. Waiting is the intelligent choice, so those girls still available will be the cream of the crop. It doesn’t make sense at all that every girl worth marrying is getting snatched up while I remain single. Will the only women left in ten years be those who were once disillusioned by the promise of a prince charming but are beginning to sober up and become desperate for any man with a working penis to give them babies? Hell no! And I’m crazy for letting the idea slip into my head.

"there’s no way I’ll lie awake late at night wishing I had locked up a wife in college comes to worst, I’ll when I had a better chance." Ifbeworse forty years old and taking

single’s cruises around the Caribbean. But that’ll be a sweet deal! A boat full of hot and horny middleaged women ready to roll around on the beach? That’s a dream come true! I’m sorry, Mike, but you really screwed up getting engaged so early. Enjoy your life of Sara always being there for you to rub your head when you’re sick, hold your hand after a hard day at work, and whisper reassuring words in your ear when you’re doubting yourself the most, because I’ll be living it up! Single style!

Jake, you look like an idiot in those giant brown boots. Please don't let your mom buy you clothes again. -Mike and Steve To the DJ at the party on 1st last Saturday...Wearing expensive headphones does not make you an artist. Just play the songs for more than one minute each and don't drop the beat. Thanks. Drunk girl at looked good with that mayo on your face. -dude in Rose jersey who gave you pickles Owning a dragon pillow pet is not acceptable for a grown man to have on his bed. Hide that shit. -Eggz Michelle, I had a great time stuffing snow down your pant and thanks for putting some down mine. I hope that helps explain what happened in bed. -John Blonde in the mini skirt at Cly Wine Night who asked me if I was related to Drew Carey...I hate you. There's NO CRYING IN (wii) BASEBALL - SCOTT!!! Jesssss - way to bring in the 21st...the bathroom smelled like Jager for a week... Ginger on crutches in the Union food court on Friday...if you REALLY wanted a piggyback ride up the stairs, you should have asked like you meant it. Amanda, next time we make out, warn me that you've had a tray of Blue Guys...smurftastic SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO or upload them at


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BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

THURS 1/26

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers


$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!! Includes Patron, Grey Goose, Jack, Bacardi, Bud...All $2!

Book Your Spring Events Here!

It's Real DJs & Big City Nightlife At Fat City! $1 PBR Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts, $2 Wells

FRI 1/27

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers


Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 Burgers, $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Jameson & Absolut $3 Jager Bombs

Hot Sauce Jones w/ Decadents and Huck Fate Show Starts at 9PM

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 1/28

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers


$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Grape Bombs $3 Bacardi Bombs $3 Bud Light Bottles

DJ Stifler Spinning Jams ALL Night Long!

$2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles UFC: Evans vs. Davis at 7PM!

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

$2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

Book Your Spring Events Here!

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints Free Shuttle to ALL Illini Basketball Games!


Fridays & Saturdays Puck'n Bottle Special $2 Bud Light 24 oz. taps Ask your server for details $2 Bud Light 12oz. bottles Shoot to win prizes 15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

SUN 1/29



Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email

MON 1/30

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, & Bud and Bud Light

Check out for all our Spring 2012 concert announcements!

Salsa Night with DJ LUNIKS $1 Wells $2 Corona Bottles

TUES 1/31

Taco Tuesday $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise, $3 Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Come and hear our new Piano Man - BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$1 Cover for 21+ | $3 Cover for under 21

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

$2 Tuesday 2 Tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints Karaoke!

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts and Busch Light Cans! $1 Cover

BOMB NIGHT $1 JAGER, Cherry, Grape, and O BOMBS $4 ICE BOMBS $2 Captain Morgan $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

WED 2/01

Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

It’s That “Oh, I’m Hibernating” Time of the Year. Winter is finally here and we know what you’re doing - staying in. Feel comfy in our state-of-the-art theater room, enjoy a quick trip to the convenient grocery store, and so much more.


OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. On-Site Management. High-Speed Internet. 10-Foot Ceilings. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | | 310 E. Springfield

Green Street Café

TUE: 1/2 Price Burgers + ILLINI vs. Mich St. at 6PM! 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at

Bulls vs. Pacers 7PM $2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

THURS 1/26

GET ABSOLUTLY JAMO'ED! $2 Jameson Irish Whiskey $2 Absolut Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 Vegas Bombs

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Any Draft

Coyote Ugly w/ DJ Stifler! $3 Jager Bombs $3 Doubles No Cover w/ Student ID Before 11PM

1/2 Price Burgers $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs

FRI 1/27

$3 Captain Morgan $5 Bud Light 40's $3 Jager Bombs

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

Salsa (Early) DJ Delayney (Late) $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

$7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it

SAT 1/28

ILLINI vs Minnesota 7pm $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs or any other Bacardi Flavor $3 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi Oak Heart DJ Alex Polvere Spinning

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

Catch the FREE High Dive Shuttle from Wright and Daniel at 10, 10:30, and 11PM!

IL vs. Minny at 7PM 1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 1/29

Bulls vs Heat 2:30pm Come watch the XGames Finals Sunday Night and WIN A SNOWBOARD! $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

Bulls vs. Heat at 2:30! $3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at

Come watch D. Rose Beat the Heat at 2:30 $4 Cups of Shots

MON 1/30

Bulls vs Washington 6pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

ILLINI vs Michigan State 6pm BUD LIGHT PLATINUM LAUNCH PARTY! Try the brand New Bud Light with 6% Alcohol! $2 Bud Light Platinum Bottles

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells


1/2 Price Burgers + ILLINI vs. Mich State at 6PM! 8th Grade Dance! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! $2 Bud & Bud Light 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

An Acoustic Cafe Evening Featuring Pieta Brown, Carrie Rodriguez, and Kelly Joe Phelps

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

WED 1/25


thursday: Coyote Ugly w/ DJ Stifler! $3 Jager Bombs $3 Doubles No Cover w/ Student ID Before 11PM

TUES 1/31

35 E. Green Street TUESDAY: ILLINI vs Michigan State 6pm BUD LIGHT PLATINUM LAUNCH PARTY! Try the brand New Bud Light with 6% Alcohol! $2 Bud Light Platinum Bottles

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

Bud Mug Night You Keep the 25oz Glass Mug Special! $2 Bud & Bud Light 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$3.50$4Miller Light and Bud ICB’s Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs Pyramid Production Party 11-Close

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

WED 2/01

Bulls vs Pacers 7pm

Bulls vs 76ers 6pm

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Special Night $2 Coors Light and Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Miller Light Draft 6-8 Daily Free pool during happy hour!!! 35 E. Green Street


$3 Strong Islands

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FRIDAY: Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

BUD SUPERBOWL! $1.50 Bud Drafts and Bottles, $5 Pitchers $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ JAY $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

THURS 1/26

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Late Night Dance Party w/ DJ John Han Cuervo Girls AND $3 Cuervo Shots $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $2 DR Shots

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

Open at 5pm $1 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $3 Jameson $3 Jager Bombs

Stellar Days LIVE 9-12 $7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

FRI 1/27

KAM'S KRUSH ABSOLUT ILLINI $4 Absolut Blue Guys $2 22oz Lite/Coors Light Drafts and Bottles IL at Minn at 7PM

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi (All Flavors) $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs $3 Any Bacardi Bomb $3 Bud Light Bottles

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

SAT 1/28

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2 Burst Shots

Book your Next Party at The Red Lion Call 217-722-9000 or email us at


SUN 1/29

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 1/30

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1.50 High Life Drafts!'s a secret...

NATTY GIRLS NITE OUT "Beer Lovers Night" $1 Fatty Bottles $2 Domestic $1 Wells, $2 Energy Btls. & Drafts Drinks, $2 Bottles $ 3 Import and Specialty $3 Pitchers! Btls. & Drafts OUTBOUND DRIVE LIVE & COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Double Jim Beam & Red Stag $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

BUD SUPERBOWL! $1.50 Bud Drafts and Bottles, $5 Pitchers $3.50 Blue Guys $2.50 Bacardi

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 2/01

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

TUES 1/31

MON: $1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

WED 1/25

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

SATURDAY: $2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover


FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

TUES: OUTBOUND DRIVE LIVE & COUNTRY NIGHT! $3.50 Double Jim Beam & Red Stag $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts


not get burnt on Spring Break by actually tanning before.


do 25 push-ups in a row (and to run a mile without panting).



Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials! (217) 353.6800 |


move somewhere worth bringing someone home to!

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of the

Bridget H. clybourne

drinking game:

Major: ESE = Easy Relationship status: Taken Bang, Marry, Kill Charlie, Mac, and Dennis: Bang Charlie, marry Mac, kill Dennis Favorite beer? Bud Light Why is Cly’s the best bar on campus? The diverse crowd What color underwear are you wearing? Rainbow Finish the sentence “The last time I had sex it was…”: Crowded Secret you don’t want your parents to find out: I’m obsessed with pussies Best syllabus week memory: Fucking a fatty Nickname you wish people would call you: Tits McGee One talent most people don’t know that you have: I have 3 nipples


Thumper? I don’t even know her. The game that makes the moment at every party where it’s time to give the busty chick the universal gesture for jacking off go considerably smoother. What You’ll Need: Stable furniture, pent-up aggression, friends, and any form of alcohol. (Germans are not necessary but highly recommended.) Number of Players: Six people will work; but the more people you’ve got, the higher level of perversion you’ll reach. Shoot for eight to twelve. Level of Intoxication: Drunk enough that you’ll wake up to find a VCR improperly installed to your microwave with the melted sequel to Bambi inside. How to Play: - Gather everyone around a table, they’re allowed to beat the crap out of it. - Each player comes up with his/her own hand gesture. If you’re stumped, try to think of a gesture you’d like to see the tittly girl sitting across from you perform. - After all players have gotten a chance to remember everyone else’s gestures, everyone begins drumming on the table, and they do so until the round ends. - The leader then shouts, “What’s the name of the game?” And everyone else answers, “Thumper!” The leader then asks, “Why do we play?” And everyone responds, “To get fucked up!” Or, “To hinder judgment and make sexually suggestive hand signals that will hopefully lead to a poor decision at some point later tonight!" - The leader then performs his gesture (say, air-drinking a cup of tea with proper, pinkieextended technique) followed by another player’s gesture (say, fisting to forearm depth in the circle he made with his other arm). The player whose gesture was last performed, Air-Fister (not to be confused with the porn-version of The Last Air Bender), now does his own gesture followed by a different player’s gesture. - The round continues until a player either screws up one of the two gestures, takes too long to finish, or forgets a gesture entirely. The drumming then stops and the loser is singled-out with chants of, “You suck (5x). Drink bitch!” - The loser then becomes the new leader and the cycle repeats. The Game Ends When: You’ve shattered your roommate’s glass coffee table and he doesn’t even give a shit.

Billy M.


Major: Kinesiology Relationship Status: Single Would you rather take a body shot off of George W. Bush or Dick Cheney? George W. Bush Disney character you most want to hook up with? Belle Longest word you can spell: Clitoris Favorite part of bartending: Getting people fucked Biggest pet peeve about bartending: Not getting flashed Most money you’ve ever spent at the bar: $250 Favorite karaoke song: “It’s Raining Men” Would you rather be anally pounded by Hulk Hogan or Arnold Schwarzenegger?: Arnold, everyone knows he has soft hands, and I’m a delicate flower

recipe for disaster:

Bacon-Wrapped Sausage or Sausage-Filled Bacon Bacon or sausage? Always with the ultimatum. Tired of having to order a number 6 and a 7 off the breakfast menu at the local D’s just to do what they should already be doing? Yeah, I’m talking about merging the deliciousness of those wavy strips of red, white, and reddish-white brown and the lusciousness of those links of porkish-ecstasy. Enough talk. Let’s put this pig back together. What You’ll Need: Toothpicks, a 1/2 lb. of bacon, and a 1/2 lb. package of pork sausage are all that’s required, but a few slices of American cheese, maple syrup, two encased dead baby chickens, and about a quarter box of pancake mix will allow you to finish the job that Ronny McDonny has always refused to. Cook Time: Drunk, a good hour. Sober, forty-five minutes. Fatty Factor: There are 560 calories in a sausage McGriddle and 420 calories in the bacon variant. That’s roughly 1,000 calories - so double that. Let’s Get Baked: - While still in the package, slice the bacon strips in half length-wise. Cut the sausage into pieces roughly the same width as your bacon. - Wrap the bacon strips around the sausages and hold in place with toothpicks. - Place your mini Franken-pigs on a cookie sheet and throw these puppies in the oven set at 300°F for 45 minutes. (Optional) McMcGriddle or The Number 67 - So you’ve decided that you’re capable of making executive decisions at McDonald’s and you’re about to make the McMcGriddle at four in the morning, congrats. If you’re in a poor enough condition that you need instructions to scramble eggs and pan up some cakes, maybe you shouldn’t push your luck any further. You’re going to need it to remember to remove the toothpicks. - Shove your eggs and your meat abomination inside a big-ass pancake and fold. You’ve just created a completely mobile breakfast. Go fuck yourself, cereal bar.






ix mixer B+

Overview So last semester these reps for iX Mixer kept hounding me until I accepted their free cases of this beverage. Life’s so rough for me. Being the lazy person I am, I’m finally returning the favor by writing a review on their mixers. History One day this guy was all like “Man, hangovers suck so much. Someone should do something about them,” and so he did. Deep in his dungeon he slaved away creating an energy drink that would not taste like poison and also keep you from getting a hangover the next day. All you have to do is either drink an ix Mixer before you start pounding shots, or even better, use it as a MIXER for your alcohol to ensure you’ll awake the next day without a splitting hangover so you can actually attend your classes. Typical Drinkers Frat stars, hipsters, sorority babes, the men of Theta Chi, people who are

The mixer Center vodka: A+ malibu rum: C-

slightly responsible, good-looking people, students who care about their GPA’s, men who don’t want their girlfriends to throw up all the next day, high schoolers who got confused and thought it was actually alcohol. User Comments “Wowza, no hangover – I can finally make my parents proud of me and still please my friends!” “Have you seen their reps? That TC is one good looking cat, and I heard Margaret is super attractive.” “It comes in assorted flavors!” “Low calories?! I won’t get fat too!” Conclusion Basically you should find all of the reps on campus by liking their Facebook page and drink all of this stuff so you can drink to your liver’s content and still appear to be a responsible person. Also, check out the recipes on there for some beverages to make you look like a professional drink maker! Find the goods at County Market, Hometown Pantry, Picadilly, or at the freaking bars on campus.

whiskey: D straight from the can: B+


THe top ten

What I Imagine a Day in the Life of Early 19th Century Nobility was Like Corey Guastini wrote this

Fashion Embarrassments If you’re like me, you want to stab yourself in the face with a pitchfork whenever you look back at your old school pictures. My hair was always frizzy, my shirt always had some sort of butterfly or sequin pattern splattered across it, and my face always looked sweatier than a sumo wrestler’s balls. I know I’m not the only one who was a victim of embarrassing fashion crimes, so let’s take a look at all the big no-no’s in the fashion world that will land you a spot on What Not to Wear in no time flat. 10. Ear Gauges Did you ever learn in social studies class about those nutty African tribes that stretch their necks and earlobes out to make themselves more attractive? Well, guess what? We don’t live in Africa and we don’t find it sexy to be able to fit a bowling ball through the smelly hole in your lobe. Bowling balls should never fit in to anyone’s holes anywhere. 9. Timberland Boots For years rap artists have been turning to Timberlands as a reliable pair of kicks. But unless you’re a carpenter or a lumberjack, let’s avoid the construction boots. You don’t need extreme traction and grip to grind on bitches at the club, Kanye. Haven't you ever heard about shoes without shoe strings?

As the sun began to rise over his large estate in southern England, Count Edward Wilmington awoke and called for his housekeeper Florence. “Florence! Come hither and tell me what I have planned for today!” Florence entered the bedchamber and read from a leather bound book, “’Observe, think, repeat.’ That’s it.”

“If internal bleeding doesn’t stop me, I plan on walking through the garden with my parasol. I’ll make the most pretentious, gliding steps possible.”

“Ah! Of course that is it, for I am nobility that need not worry about performing menial tasks. While the commoners toil, I gaze upon the world with a keen eye and muse about life the way only a nobleman can.”

“Of course I will, because they don’t. What are your plans, Edward?”

“So what do you want me to do?” “Ah, yes! First, get me a bucket of water from the well. I wish to splash my face with fresh water and act as though that is the equivalent of a full body bath. Then lay out the most flamboyant outfit I own. It should make you think, ‘If this were any other time period, wearing that would heavily imply flaming homosexuality.’ After that, set a glass of water in front of a window facing east. I want the sunlight to dance through the water and make patterns on the table which I will then use as a jumping off point to muse about life. Finally, make me toast with marmalade. Chop chop!” Florence quickly completed her tasks. Edward splashed his face a few times with water, got dressed, and then headed to the kitchen where his wife Elizabeth sat at the table fanning herself. Edward greeted her, “Good morning, Elizabeth! My goodness, you’re pale! You look fantastic! That porcelain skin would make a China doll jealous. And your corset! Surely it must be breaking your ribs!” “Yes, I think my face is pale because the blood that usually resides there is now pooling in my abdomen. It hurts to breathe. But look at you, Edward! You look clean! Did you take your weekly bath?” “Well I splashed my face, so…yes! Ah! I see Florence set up the glass of water as I requested.” Edward slowly walked around the glass of water illuminated by the sun, examining it from every angle before saying, “Are we all not but a glass of water? Absorbing the light of life then transmitting it as beautiful patterns on the table of our mind, or soul, or something—it still needs work, but my musings are getting better, Elizabeth! What are your plans for today?”

“Will you keep your nose turned up as if to say, ‘Nature’s flora and fauna do not deserve to exist in my presence’?”

“I will be staring out windows and walking around the estate all day. Perhaps I will weep at the sheer beauty of nature as only a nobleman can. Then tonight I am meeting with all of the Dukes and Earls from the surrounding countryside. We will be discussing the possible increase in property tax. I’ll probably call wives property and say something like, ‘They’re costing us enough already!’ Then we’ll all laugh. And you?” “I have no plans. I could spend time with the children. More likely, I’ll let Florence care for them while I sit in my room all night brushing my hair nervously at my vanity and writing in my diary that I suspect you’re cheating on me.” “Marvelous! You’re a portrait of early 19th century nobility perfection.” A piercing scream of, “Ouch! Mommy!” from their six year old hemophiliac son Jonathon interrupted the conversation. “What happened, Jonathon?” Elizabeth shouted as she rushed to her son’s side. “I was batting a hoop with a stick down the gravel road and fell!” “Where did you learn how to bat a hoop with a stick?! Hoop batting is for poor boys! You should be playing chess or staring out windows like your father!” Elizabeth hastily bandaged the boy’s hoop batting arm trying to get the bleeding to stop. She occasionally paused to cough up blood—a product of her tight corset and tuberculosis. After a few hours, the wound clotted. With a tired sigh, she looked at Edward and said, “I can’t handle this stress. Thankfully, we’ll most likely die before we’re thirty-five.” They laughed.

8. Obnoxious Hair Extensions One rule of thumb for all girls everywhere: Please make sure your extensions actually match your hair color. It took J-Woww a while to get this memo, and now she’s smokin’ hot, and that has nothing to do with the obvious boob job. Also, if you’re going to get those damn feathers in your hair, let’s keep it at a one feather limit. Too many and you’re probably gonna sprout a beak and wings. You’re not Pocahontas. You don’t need to be one with nature. 7. Nude Leggings Just like yoga pants, leggings are the perfect article of clothing to show off your bodacious booty, as long as you’re not more than like, 150 pounds. If that wasn’t bad enough, leggings even come in nude shades, so you can look fat and naked at the same time! Boys will definitely be doing double-takes but for all the wrong reasons. 6. Shutter Shades Kanye may be a music icon, but seriously we should all avoid his sense of style. After all, he’s known for wearing Timberlands too. People wear sunglasses so they can see while being blinded by the sun. But why do people wear shutter shades? So they can’t see at all? My face isn’t being scanned at a grocery store. I don’t need to look like a walking barcode. 5. Messy Ponytails Remember back in middle school when girls would wear their hair up in buns or ponytails and then pull our a few strands to seductively frame their face? I’m pretty sure all pre-teen girls thought this was the way to make themselves look like a member of the Spice Girls or something. The sad part is girls still do it now. 4. Skorts If a girl wears a skort, chances are she’s a total prude. Or she’s in 6th grade. Girls wear skirts to look cute, flirty, and dainty. If they plan on running around and flipping over, then they should just stick to shorts in the first place. Lose the shorts and slut it up a little. 3. Mismatching Patterns and Colors There are some people who throw outfits together at the last second because they’re running late for class. Then there are people who think it actually looks nice to wear a plaid grandpa sweater, a red flowered shirt, purple leggings, and lime green Converse sneakers. It doesn’t make you look like an artistic hipster, it makes you look like a homeless man. If your wardrobe looks like you closed your eyes and picked clothes off hangers at Salvation Army, then you’re doing something wrong. 2. Crocs They are just plain hideous. They look like rubbery Swiss cheese that was molded to fit your feet. Then they made those little decorations you could fit inside the holes to express your individuality. No, you still just look fucking dumb. 1. Gauchos I never really thought about how awkward gauchos were until just recently. They’re like the lovechild between parachute pants and floods, which doesn’t even sound like it could be something flattering. Loose-fitting pants don’t hide your thunder thighs or colossal calves. They emphasize them.

kitty kat wrote this


Five Steps of Becoming a

Creep in Your Own Home carles barkley wrote this

Ever since my roommate acquired a girlfriend, my creeping levels have risen to full on sketch-mode.

the bejesus scared out of you when they press one another up against your door in a fit of passion.

Step 1: Pretending you’re asleep/not home: So you hear your roommate jingling his or her keys to unlock the door and come home for the night. You’re sober to the bone and therefore not feeling particularly social, and in a panic you dash into your room, turn off the lights and turn your music so low that you can’t even hear it. Do you ever sit back and realize how absolutely creepy you’re being?

Step 4: Apartment creeping: You are fully certain that the two lovebirds have decided to move their excited dry-humping to the bedroom and you quietly open your door four inches, just wide enough for yourself to squeeze through before it hits the point where it starts squeaking. You, wearing six pairs of socks to further muffle your footsteps, make a mad dash to the bathroom to relieve yourself. You make sure to pee on that exact spot on the bowl, so not a tinkle sound is made. Then the flush – what the hell do you do now? You sit on the bathroom floor until you’re certain you hear the two of them deep in the throws of fervor and flush.

Step 2: Self-imprisonment: Now you’ve sequestered yourself to your room, you have no way to leave the room for the rest of the night, or not at least until said roommate finally goes to sleep. You have punished yourself to a night of no television, a full bladder, and your only sustenance is what little scraps of food Drunk You left in your bed last night. You could just leave your room and admit to your creepiness, but you’ve dug yourself this far and you may as well keep going. Step 3: Silent spying: Never in your life have you regretted purchasing the Big Gulp more than you are right now. Your bladder is bursting at the seams, and you know that one ill-timed giggle or sneeze could be the difference between your turning your pajama pants into your own personal urinal or not. So rather than putting your headphones in and ignoring whatever funny business is going on outside your room, you find yourself with your ear pressed up against the door, desperately listening for any sign that your roommate and his significant other have retired to the bedroom for the night. Every little creak of your crappy wood floors means you might be that much closer to your freedom; however, all you’re really getting an earful of is some heavy panting and getting

trust us, you don't want to see these unblurred.

Step 5: Red-handed/faced: You focus your full attention on closing the bathroom door behind you without making a peep, and turn around to find both parties standing in the hallway staring at you. Turns out that last squeal you heard coming from their bedroom was the climax between the two of them, and now they’ve come out to wash up. “Oh, I didn’t know you were home,” one of them awkwardly squawks out. “Oh yeah, just woke up to take a pee,” you choke out in reply. It’s hard to say who’s more awkward at this point. It’s fairly obvious what a giant creep you’ve been the past hour and a half, but then again they were just entwined in the kind of loud, weird sex you only partake in when you believe you have the place to yourself, which they now know you heard every last groan and weird “Put your finger in my butthole.” Without words, you all agree to never speak of this occasion again and all return to your respective rooms. You fucking creeps.





blacksheep_uiuc The Black Sheep UIUC ALWAYS GET YOUR FIX AT


The Movie Page red tails

Based on the Trailer

January 2011

“Almost as good as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”

Directed by

Anthony Hemingway


Cuba Gooding Jr., Terrence Howard

GRADE F mike benson wrote this For a film that is supposed to be based on a true story and pay homage to real people, Red Tails is completely out of touch with reality in almost every single way. Let’s begin by pointing out that World War II era Nazi bombers primarily used 7.82mm machine gun rounds to 20mm cannon rounds. They were meant to take down airplanes, and were fairly enormous. If a person were to get hit by a round in the middle of a dogfight, they would die with a hole in their chest as big as George Lucas’ fat, stupid head. While technical issues such as this are often and understandably ignored in fiction/action movies, the issue with Red Tails is that it claims to be telling the true story about the all African American pilot crew from the Tuskegee training program that broke racial boundaries through bravery and skill in World War II. Instead of Red Tails being an accurate portrayal of this historical moment, it winds up being a mixture of The Great Escape and the Star Wars prequels, with no real drama other than the poorly developed racial tension backdrop which never develops into something more than, “Hey, look, these fighter pilots are black.”

on dvd

The characters in Red Tails are ludicrously flat, with each character taking on the most clichéd character traits: jokester, sensitive, wild-boy, etc. With awful acting to match, no character in Red Tails comes close to anything resembling believable or genuine. No individual in the film ever showed any remorse or fright about killing other people, or even the deaths and injuries of their crewmembers. Halfway through the film I made up a hidden subplot for the film in which each member of the Red Tail crew are actually so crippled by stress and anxiety that they are unable to show any genuine emotions about any of the proceedings of the war which surrounds them. One scene in particular that bugged me occurred near the beginning of the film. During a dogfight deep behind enemy lines in Italy, one of the crewmembers is shot down. After deploying his parachute, he is captured by enemy troops and taken as a POW. After this happens, though, there is absolutely no reaction to, or mention of, it by the crewmembers who were in the air. The crew members in the air were actually joking around with each other as they continued to shoot down Nazis without any thought to their crew member who was

just taken as a prisoner and will probably be tortured for information or God knows what else. In fact, after this occurs there is absolutely no reference to him throughout half the film. Eventually we are shown him escaping a POW prison in the most ridiculous Great Escape type manner. This just serves as an example of a HUGE plot point, which is just thrown in and forgotten for no apparent reason. In the end, Red Tails comes off as cartoonish. There is no drama at all; the Germans are depicted as stupid, inhumane monsters, getting obliterated with no sympathy by the allied pilots, and poor acting and flat characters result in a boring and lifeless movie. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good action movie and like seeing Nazis getting their comeuppance as much as the next guy. But since Red Tails is claiming to pay homage to real events and heroes, the gratuitous action and violence along with the flat characters is almost insulting to the great people it is trying to celebrate and offensive by using the backdrop of a war that carried such heavy consequences. On the positive side, it’s good to see Cuba Jr. getting some work outside of underwear advertisements these days.

cuba gooding jr. trivia

February 7 A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas

Starring: Glenn Close, Mia Wasikowska, Janet McTeer What You Need to Know: Glenn Close plays Albert Nobbs, a woman passing as a man working in an upscale hotel in 19th century Ireland. After 30 years of donning men’s clothing, she finds out that she never really knew who she was in the first place. What We Think: This movie screams Oscar buzz, but we’re just not convinced it will be as good as everyone wants it to be. But with an interesting plot and Close looking creepily convincing as a man, this film might just be worth seeing.

One For the Money

jan. 27

Starring: Katherine Heigl, Jason O’Mara, Sherri Shepherd What You Need to Know: A proud Jersey girl, Stephanie Plum (Heigl) is hard-up for money and winds up getting a job at a bail bonding company as a recovery agent. Uh oh, girl with a gun! What We Think: Oh Katherine Heigl, you and your mindless roles. However, this film, based on a popular mystery series by Janet Evanovich, does looks somewhat charming and (dare we say) watch-able, possibly even enjoyable. Or maybe we just think Heigl looks a lot better with brown hair. Either way, based on her track record, we’ll probably save it for Redbox.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Drive The Thing Dream House The Double Gooding's first job as a professional entertainer was as a breakdancer for who?

jan. 27

answers are a few from here

January 31

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

Albert Nobbs

What year did Gooding receive his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame?

What is Gooding's famous Oscar-winning catch phrase?

Gooding became a born-again Christian at what age?

jan. 27

Starring: John C. Reilly, Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller What You Need to Know: Based upon Lionel Shriver’s award-winning novel, this film explores the 15-yearrelationship between mother (Swinton) and son (Miller), as she tries to make sense of his bizarre habits and increasing malevolence against her. What We Think: This movie looks so intense, and we’re so excited. While the focus of the film is on Swinton’s uber-emotional role and, let's not forget, her crazy ass son, Reilly’s dramatic yet light-hearted performance should make the movie refreshing and comfortable. But, for real, we’re anxious to see how the son fucks shit up.

The Music Page our interview with > > > Breathe Owl Breathe This week we chatted with Trevor Hobbs of Michigan folk rocker's Breathe Owl Breathe. Their latest project is a children’s book and CD duo, The Listeners/These Train Tracks. Blind or deaf, they’re the most handicap-accessible band out there.

The Black Sheep: What was the genesis of Breathe Owl Breathe? Trevor Hobbs: I was visiting a friend at Grand Valley State, and he was paired up with [frontman] Micah Middaugh. Micah was there strumming on a guitar, so I just picked up a drum. We hit it off right away, musically, and I could tell he was a character. That night we went to a party, and right away I could tell Micah had this ability to capture a room and incorporate people into his creative process. Breathe Owl Breathe started in 2004, burning CDs off a computer and decorating them with crayons. We’ve been making music ever since. TBS: When I was researching to prep for this interview, I read about how other people describe you. How would you describe the music you guys make? Trevor : Well, that’s the hardest question. TBS: How about in 5 words? Trevor: Fun, poetry, landscapes, uh… a little bit of antics. I think that’s covered by fun, actually. Story, journey, landscapes, fun, poetry. TBS: When you guys sit down to make some tunes, is there a standard approach? How do you get from a concept to a finished product? Trevor: Each song comes together in a different way. Often times we come across song ideas by accident. We do a lot of improv sessions together, we’ll just set up instruments in a random configuration and set up different ways of documenting what we’re doing. Like, we’ll have a tape recorder in one part of the room and a VHS video recorder in set up to see what those musical combinations were. A lot of times it’s unexciting stuff, but sometimes we’ll find an idea and it’s like “Whoa, let’s build a song on that! That was amazing, how did that happen?”

cd review

out now

skrillex Bangarang EP The latest from the god of dubstep certainly is bangin’.


It’s easy to hate on dubstep (just bass drops and weird noises, right?) just like it’s easy to hate on any genre; pop music is just over-produced whiney white girls singing about boys and rap music is just Autotuned black dudes rappin’ about guns and bitches. So, if you want to believe the generalizations, fine – be content with Taylor Swift and T-Pain, but the latest from mainstream dubstep darling, Skrillex, dares to be more than just that. The Bangarang EP is enough for anyone—new listeners get a taste for the style and dubstep diehards get their fix of original beats, sounds and a few surprising bass drops. It’s nothing to write home about, but it certainly gets you in the mood.

plays up more direct enthusiasm and originality than the former. The rest of the album continues on in a perfect mess of loud, nasty beats, setting the mood for a partially blacked-out weekend night. “Breakin’ a Sweat” features samples from The Doors, which is pretty interesting, and is also slightly Girl Talk of him, but still really good. “Right on Time” is another awesome track with a seemingly endless build up that leaves you perfectly on edge, on edge, on edge—just before it slows down long enough to bring you back to reality with an ideal bass drop. It’s a track like this that shows Skrillex knows exactly what he’s doing and not just some punk with a sound machine.

In case you aren’t aware and/or above it all, Skrillex is a 24-year-old producer who has pioneered the dubstep/electronic scene in the past few years. He’s been nominated for five Grammy awards this year, including Best New Artist for his explosive hit, “Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites.” It’s the tune barely-legals and early twenty-somethings will be playing in their minds when they reminisce about their first time taking ecstasy. Ahh, the simple things in life. With his sweet hair-do and incredible energy, it’s no wonder Skrillex has been the face of this blossoming genre.

You have to take this music in stride, though. Just like you wouldn’t blast Bon Iver before a tailgate, you wouldn’t listen to Skrillex softly in the background whilst studying for a philosophy exam. But for those who still aren’t convinced, I tempt you to see this dude perform. As with most music, it’s far more amped up when seen live, and that enthusiasm is propelled into any future instance of listening to said music. You remember the lights, the sounds, and the feeling you had when you were with your friends, dancing and loving life. Drugs? Yeah, maybe, but music like this makes you feel just as good.

Naturally, the Bangarang EP is only 7 songs, but within those 30 minutes is some of his more ambitious material. The title track featuring Sirah is the first standout. “Kyoto” is another track featuring this Sirah lady, and definitely

Sounds Like: Bloops, bleeps, and some sweet bass drops. Download: Bangarang, Right on Time, Kyoto Listen to it When: Anytime you aren’t trying to focus.

What the flip are you doing at the sand dunes?

And it’s like “Oh, good thing we recorded that!” TBS: So when it comes to albums or larger, overarching themes, do you see those existing in your music because you work together and keep coming back to the same stuff, or is there not a common thread? Trevor:I think there’s a common thread but it’s more of a product of just who we are, not a deliberate thing that we want to maintain. And then at the same time that common thread is sort of dressed differently through time, like if you look back through our recordings you see different approaches to recording or different instrumentations or arrangements for a kind of song. So I think that’s changing all the time. TBS: I want to talk a little bit about your new project, the album and book The Listeners/These Train Tracks. How did you guys come to an agreement that this was something you guys were going to do? Trevor:It happened so slowly that it wasn’t like a moment in time, where there was a conversation and then we decided and then it was like “Go.” I think that’s sort of indicative of how we work on projects as a whole. I think what made it possible, like the launch of it possible, was the Kickstarter Project. We did a fundraiser and raised money to make it happen. So that was the motion that allowed it to come into reality because we knew that if we were going to do it we wanted to do it right. TBS: When you guys were doing the music for it, how did that play off of the book? Where did they weave into each other? Trevor: I think the music came first. That’s a good question, I don’t know if I’ve ever thought of that, it’s been such a long journey for this book. Thinking about it, the listeners came first, from there I think it became that it was obvious that it was also a story book. TBS: What was the rationale behind staying in Northern Michigan, as opposed to going to New York or L.A.? Trevor: It’s just where we’re from, and I think the connection to where you’re from is most important. The cabin where we make music and art is where Micah grew up, he’s been living there his whole life, in the same little plot of land. If you think about going to other places, like New York or wherever, for one, it’s just not who you are, so it would take a lot more work to fit in. But two, it just seems difficult to present anything different to the world if you are in that kind of a climate because it’s so busy. TBS: What would you consider your perfect sandwich? Trevor: Some really good cheddar cheese, some really good sourdough bread, pickles, lettuce, mayonnaise and mustard.

UPCOMING RELEASES Craig Finn - Clear Heart Full Eyes Ingrid Michaelson - Human Again

Nada Surf -The Stars are Indifferent to Astronomy

Tim McGraw- Emotional Traffic Rodrigo y Gabriela - Area 52

Lamb of God - Resolution Kellie Pickler - 100 Proof


A Letter to My Former Self

gracecar wrote this

Dear Last Semester Me, You were the worst. You didn’t do any of your assigned readings, didn’t apply for any of the internships you were going to, and got drunk at least 5 nights a week. Your friends from other universities always questioned your inability to stay in on weekdays. Remember when you promised yourself that you would lose 23 pounds so that people would stop telling you how much hotter you looked when you came to this school as an 18-year-old? Your parents pay for your drunk ass to sleep all day and only study 2 days before finals on a 48-hour Adderall binge with the drugs that you stole from your roommate. That reality check you had when your parents asked to see your grades, and you realized you failed ATMS 100 was your turning point. Or so you thought. You thought you had it all figured out for this semester when you wrote your to-do list for your Facebook friends to see and over 12 people “liked” it. To Do for Spring 2012: 1. Get really tan 2. Learn to speak Chinese to communicate with every professor 3. Apply to Linens n’ Things 4. Brush your teeth more 5. Buy a toothbrush 6. Get a 3.8 7. Become a semi-professional DJ 8. Have butt-sex with that ginger girl from the dining hall 9. Become a regular at CRCE Have you done any of these things yet? No. You got back to school this last week and got so drunk every night that you refused to pay cover and Joe’s took your ID as collateral so that you would come back the next day and give them that damn five dollars. Do you remember getting so drunk that you told three people at the bar that you were

Hitler? Yes, Hitler. You sick son-of-a-bitch. Syllabus week is the easiest week of the semester and you still couldn’t make it to class because you woke up every day at 3 a.m. in the laundry room of your house covered in clothes that smell like Farmville. And the one class you attended you had to leave class half way through to puke in the bottlesonly recycling bin outside of your lecture, really? Your grandmother would be proud. Consider this your wakeup call. And no, not like the kind when Raul calls you at 10 a.m. in your hotel room after a night out in the city. Pull on your big-boy pants and make this semester the one your Last Semester Self promised your This Semester Self it would be. Follow? Good. Consider me your Dr. Phil. Next time you want to go drink an entire fifth of Hot Cinnamon Burnett’s to yourself, think of how you will never get a job after you graduate. Next time you want to hook up with two girls in one night but only remember hooking up with one, think of how you’ll never find a wife one day and adopt an Asian daughter named Lily. Next time you want to skip class, think of how a child in Africa will never get clean water, but you sleep the day away watching Boy Meets World and eating double stuffed Oreos in your bed. Your mom and dad didn’t raise you with family Sunday pancake days to watch you waste your life and dignity away at college fornicating with over 10 girls in the same sorority. It’s okay though; you’re still youngish and still partially attractive when you actually shave your legs. You promised yourself you would stop sucking at life so why don’t you actually follow through with a promise and stop being such a blower. I love you, but you need to stop being such a dick. Love, Future/Screwed You.


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the madlib: bookstore

Man, I’m so happy my parents decided to give me $__1__ for this semester’s books, after that __2__ GPA last semester I was scared my parents would make me pay my own tuition. Thank god that didn’t happen, can you believe I actually started looking for a job at __3__? According to my list I’m going to need the book for __4__. And… it’s $__5__. Seriously? It’s like the professors are trying to __6__ me with a __7__ wrapped in __8__. Plus, by my count that money could be better spent on two dozen __9__ of __10__. And what’s with this optional reading bullshit? This professor I’ve never met, __11__, recommends that I spend $__12__ so I can learn more about the __13__ of the __14__? It’s like he doesn’t even know that __15__ exists. Well, at least I should spend some of this money on school supplies, by the end of last semester I was drawing pictures of __16__ on a __17__ using a __18__, and that’s gotta change. But can you believe __19__ cost $4 each? I can just make my own out of __20__ and spend the cash at __21__. And why do __22__ come in packs of __23__? I only need one. Eh, I’ll just steal it. If this semester is anything like the last I should probably look into that job at __24__.

1) Amount of money 2) Last semester’s GPA 3) Crappy place of employment 4) Class you’re taking 5) Amount of money 6) Depraved act 7) Object 8) Flexible object 9) Things 10) Thing 11) Professor’s name 12) Amount of money 13) Feature

14) Person or people 15) Vaguely credible website 16) Something vulgar 17) Odd object 18) Poor writing tool 19) School supply 20) Household item 21) Local restaurant 22) School supply 23) Number 24) Crappy place of employment

class tim e

class tim e

movie trivia answers: 1) lionel richie 2) 2002 3) "show me the money!" 4) age 13

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great location to campus • private bedrooms • utilities included • fully furnished apartments 217.367.0720 • 302 E. John StrEEt, SuitE 100 Rates, fees, deadlines and utilities included are subject to change

Illinois - 1/25/12 - v20i02  

Illinois Spring 2012 Issue 2