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The Black Sheep
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The Booze News
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 20, Issue 1 1/19/12 - 1/25/12
theblacksheeponline.com
President Hogan’s Stance on
SOPA/PIPA President Michael J. Hogan wrote this
Students of this fine academic institution, University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, there is a poison being spread through our great country, and it is intent on killing our freedom of speech. These venomous creatures come in the form of two bills: SOPA (Stop Online Piracy Act) and PIPA (Protect IP Act). These bills have been birthed like the Terminator, bent on the destruction of everything our fine country stands for. Essentially these bills were made to censor our Internet in the guise of a hero, by using words like “Protect” and “Stop Online Piracy.” Some of you may be wondering why I chose The Black Sheep to share my opinions on this matter, rather than my usual venue, The Daily Illini. Well, it makes me ill to inform you that The Daily Illini is pro-SOPA/PIPA. All these years, it turns out the DI has been a government lackey, used to censor every last bit of information you students receive. When I discovered this cold truth, I knew there was only one paper left on campus that would stay true and honest to the people – the very paper our University has shunned from distributing in our buildings, making them the epitome of their name, The Black Sheep. China, Burma, Iran, North Korea – these are all countries who currently censor their Internet. Did you know that most people in China have never seen that infamous picture of the Tiananmen Square protests? That is because their government censors the Internet, giving it the ability to pick and choose what type of information is given to their people. Do you wish to be ignorant of famous rebels like the tank guy or James Dean? I know I don’t. Furthermore, you can forget about using your precious procrastination time playing on Facebook or Twitter or YouTube, as these websites are all big targets of the
SOPA/PIPA charge. If the government passes SOPA or PIPA, they will be given the power to take legal action against something as innocent as a child singing a famous song on YouTube – and that’s half of the reason YouTube exists! Plus we all end up sharing those videos on our social media – I know my darling wife Virginia can’t get enough of the stuff. Do you want your adorable baby sister to be under attack by the government for singing her favorite Ke$ha song? Sure, it was inappropriate for her to sing in the first place, but that’s how it got so many hits! And I know nobody really blogs anymore, but for the few of you out there who do – say goodbye to that too. Do you like watching a little adult entertainment on your laptop when your wife has gone away to her book club for the afternoon? Well, if SOPA/PIPA are passed you can just FORGET IT! You better start collecting your mom’s old Sears catalogs and bookmarking the lingerie sections, because SOPA/PIPA are attacking the porn’s best venue, the Internet. I bet you didn’t know how much of that spunk you watch was pirated. But those
bouncing boobies and double penetration films are a form of art, and in my eyes art should always be made to be shared with the world. My children (Virginia’s and my children have all long since moved out of the nest, so I consider my students to be my children now), please do your research and make your own opinion of the matter, but I urge you to choose correctly! Don’t be fooled by the government’s tricks to avert your attention from the real matter at hand. And then join me in our rise against these leeches. Virginia and I will continue to make our videos where we clip pictures of the University together and string along some words of hope to some uplifting generic music, but if you play close attention you’ll notice how we’ll be acting as Tyler Durdens of the Internet, including pictures of my junk and Virginia’s play toys. Try to censor me, you beasts! Fear my retaliations in the face of oppression!
continued on page 19
Other stuff
Inside
Fears of a 2nd Semester Senior
Ode to My XBoX
Your Dog Wants You to Leave
There are many, because after college it’s just getting old and dying.
A genuinely hilarious article about a woman’s most recent love.
see page 5
see page 10
Hey, he gets tired of humping the same leg. see page 18