Volume 19, Issue 16 — 12/07/11 - 12/14/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
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2012 Predictions: The End is Nigh Mike Bennyboyson wrote this According to many of my friends’ Facebook status updates and the hard-working experts over at The History Channel, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. Now, unless your name is Michael Stipes, this doomsday prediction should be pretty troublesome. I mean, really? One more year? That’s not enough time! Don’t the allpowerful, omnipresent overlords of the cosmic universe know that I have yet to find true love and have not yet seen all five seasons of The Wire? The origin of this apocalyptic prediction has roots in South America during the height of the Mayan civilization. Apparently, the Mayan calendar, one of the most impressive examples of science and technology in the ancient world due to its precise calculations, oddly predicts the world to come to an end on exactly the aforementioned date. Besides being the biggest thing to happen to the Mayan civilization since having one of their ancient temples briefly featured in Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, this strange prophecy has caused a lot of people to worry, contemplate the mortality of the universe and, on a happier note, allowed John Cusack to put a little food on his table. Frankly, I find the most significant thing about the year 2012 is that it begins the hundred year countdown to the year 2112, which will be the next year that it will once again be cool to listen to Rush. However, all of this Mayan mumbo-jumbo has got me thinking, “If life on Earth really were to end in the year 2012, how would it happen?” I’ve compiled a few of the most possible scenarios, along with an analysis of how likely it would be that John Cusack would be able to save the world if such an event transpired. The evil Lord Cthulhu awakens from his slumber in R’lyeh and returns to enslave and massacre us all: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 0/10 Any time now, the stars will align just right for the great Cthulhu, last of the Old Gods,
Other stuff
Inside
06: A tribute to those we lost
Of course Osama bin Laden gets a shout-out.
to be awoken in his sunken prison of R’lyeh to feast on the souls of man. You can lie all you want and say you know this prophecy isn’t true, but you know that within your soul and psyche you can feel the all-powerful grasp of Cthulhu’s tentacles on your mind and spirit. Resistance is fundamentally futile, so just sit back, relax and let your being be slowly consumed, digested and plummeted to the deepest, oldest trenches of the ocean. It’s no help that the amount of people eagerly awaiting the return of Cthulhu keeps growing and growing. I mean, I can’t even go to the post office without hearing a group of occultists chanting, “Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn,” in preparation for his tentacle-ness. As for John Cusack saving humanity, there’s just no way. If he’s smart, The Great Old One will go for Cusack first. Bieber Fever: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 10/10 Bieber Fever, a horrid disease originating in West Africa, has been known to wipe out entire villages in weeks. It kills its host by breaking down mental processes, eventually leading to extreme dementia, and finally killing the person with bloody, soul-purging diarrhea. The disease gets its name from the pop star Justin Bieber, who was responsible for bringing the disease to the western world after obtaining it from a Ghanaian prostitute. Most of America and Europe show signs of Bieber Fever, and with so many people catching the fever by going to Bieber’s shows, the disease is spreading like wildfire. Luckily, there is no chance of complete devastation as long as Cusack is in town. A healthy dose of some High Fidelity-inspired witty and cynical music taste is enough to cure anybody from Bieber Fever. If there’s one person who cares about good music, it’s John Cusack. 15-year-old Beverly Hills resident Ashley doesn’t get her driver’s license: Likelihood John Cusack will be able to save us: 9/10
09: johnny freshman's first all-nighter
Freshmen, they're always so doggone cute!
Continued on Page 19...
18: top ten
infomercial items we secretly (not any more!) want for christmas.