Volume 19, Issue 15 — 11/30/11 - 12/07/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
Fre ex e...lik hau e st hea are t c as omi on ng f th e s rom t ide ho of se bui we ldin ird gs ...
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The New New New Ron Zook Chronicles Vol. 4: The Zooker Dies brendan wrote this After a 6-0 start to the football season Illinois finished 0-6 and 5th in the Leaders division. Ron Zook was fired on Sunday. His record as the University of Illinois Fighting Illini head football coach stands at 34-50. (Enter a hospital room. Ron Zook is inside, looking gaunt.) The Black Sheep: Hey Ron! Ron Zook: Pappy! Is that yew, Pappy? TBS: No, it’s Brendan, you know, from The Black Sheep. Ron: Oh, I thought it was me Pappy… TBS: Wh…who is your Pappy? Ron: (Cough) It’s…Ron Guenther. TBS: He hasn’t been by? I came as soon as I heard the news. Ron: Nah, ain’t no one been (cough)… I says ain’t no one been by since they brought me in here. TBS: That’s terrible! You were just fired, it’s not like you’ve got the plague. Ron: Yew crazy, boy? (Cough) I gots the plague. I gots it bad. Why d’yew think I’m in here? I’m dyin’. (Cough) I ain’t even sure how ya’ll snuck yaselves in here. TBS: Eh, we just kinda walked in. So, not to sound morbid, but how much longer do you have? Ron: Ole’ Ronnie here? Aw, shucks. I figure the doc says I gots a couple a days to get my things in order. TBS: No shit? Fired and dying in the same week? You’re kinda getting the short stick here, dude. Ron: Aw, like horse knuckles I is. (Cough) I’s seen and done my fair share of livin’ in my 3 score years a’breathin in this here earth. TBS: Yeah, I’m just saying… Ron: (Cough) Yew ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ‘cuz you ain’t seen nothin’, boy! Lemme tell yew a little story my Pappy was always tellin’ me. It’s about this boy named Jesus, yew heard’a him? TBS: I mean, yes.
Other stuff
Inside
07: A Message From the Urbana Chief of Police
REMAIN CALM OR YOU WILL BE SHOT.
Ron: Well this boy, this “Jesus” fella, he’d always be growin’ up and whatnot, tellin’ folk “I’m gonna be King of the Jews someday!” (Cough) Days go by and somesuch, and here he is, and he ain’t no King of the Jews, not by no longshot. He keeps waitin’ and tryin’ and waitin’ and tryin’ and then one day this Yahweh guy comes along and he says to him, you know what he says? This Yahweh character says to Jesus, “Hey yew, Jesus! Maybe bein’ King of the Jews ain’t all it’s cracked up to be!” (Cough) Jesus—being a suspicious fella—asks him, “Whatchu’ talkin’ about?” This Yahweh character was all, “Well, I gots this other offer for ye, how ‘bout you reckon consider being King of the Christians? It’s a little similar, but not.” (Cough) Still, Jesus is excited, because bein’ King of somethin’s better than bein’ King of nothin’, so he accepts. Then, out of nowhere this Yahweh fella pulls a fast one on ole Jesus and gets him hung up on a cross and real dead. Tricked him real good. TBS: And what do you think is the moral of that story? Ron: Aw, shucks. (Cough) I wasn’t never too sure or nothin’, but the way Pappy told it made it seem like, yew know, life ain’t always what it seem, then yew die. (Cough) TBS: Do you relate to that at all? Ron: (Cough) I ain’t even too (cough) sure what ole’ Ronnie believes anymore. (Cough) I reckon I do, some. I ain’t never met a Jew in me life that was less than… (cough) less than kindly to me. I ain’t mind bein’ King of ‘em. (Cough) TBS: That cough, Ron. It’s getting pretty bad. Ron: I reckon. (Cough) I reckon I ain’t long for this world. Oh my stars, d’yew see that, boy? TBS: See what? Ron: The light! (Cough) The light! It’s right there! TBS: No, I don’t! Ron, Coach Zook! Hold on! Don’t move towards the light! Ron: Don’t yew worry about me, boy! (Cough) Don’t yew worry about me! It’s beautiful, the Land of the Jews! TBS: Ron! No! Before you… Ron: GO ILLINI!!!!!!!!! (Ron Zook dies.) (An anvil falls on Ron Zook.) (Ron Zook shits his pants.)
09: Breakups in the Social Network
Bitches still be crazy on the internets.
10: December Holidays, Separate But Equal
Hah, who are we kidding? Christmas rules.