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Table of

contents 19 9


P5: Loretta the Ghost Why’s this lady always floating around with a basket of Chex Mix?

P17: The YMCA Is Haunted And not just with horrible homosexual stereotypes!

P10: English Horror Story What really happened in that building full of weirdos.

P23: 28 Days After Thanksgiving A lot of tryptophan will do that to a man.

P18: Invasion of the Rabid P6: Night of the Living Drunk Squirrels What happens when a campus If you don’t watch out, these loses brain function and lurches guys will bite you in the nuts. around aimlessly. P18: Top Ten: Ghosts on the U P7: Inside the Mind of the Para- of I Campus normal Activity Ghost He’s just trying to unwind, you P19: Jasper, the Annoying Ghost guys. Bringing paranormal passiveaggressive behavior to your P8: Cook Country Jail campus. Keeping our ghosts attacks under wraps for over 100 years. P20: Movie Review Paranormal Activity 3- It’s like P9: The Ghost of Steve Jobs voyeur porn for the masochisThough he may be gone, he’ll tic. live on through his products. P21: Interview P9: The Ghost of Zorba’s Gyro The War on Drugs are our new His pita is a little burnt. favorite joint.

P16: Bartenders of the Week Some of these answers are pretty horrifying.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions? Advertising? Hate Us?

Find Us At... 88 West | Antonio’s | Big Mouth’s | Blind Pig 2 | Boltini | Brothers | Burnham 310 | Canopy Club | Clybourne | Cowboy Monkey | Discount Den | Electric Tan | Espresso Royal | Fat Sandwich | Firehaus | Follets | Fubar | Geovanti’s | Green St. Café | GSC 2 | Guidos | Guiliani’s | High Dive | Hooters | Howbowda Bagel | Indigo Place | Insomnia Cookies | Joe’s | Jupiters | Kams | Legends | Memphis on Maine| Murphy’s | Niro’s | One North| One South | One World | Piccadilly on First | Pita Pit | Potbelly | Qdoba | Roland Office | Silvermine | Solar Tan | Starbucks | Subway| Tanning next to Canopy | The Village | Tower at Third | Underground Printing | The Beef Stand | Zorba’s BINS ALL OVER CAMPUS, SOME DORMS, ALL GREEK HOUSES, AND MORE!!

Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Word of the week Bartography:

A Banshee Miser Tiff Tin

Raze Oil Mop

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Definition: The strategic mapping of local pubs, dives, cantinas, clubs and watering holes that allows for maximum drinking during a bar crawl. Sentence: “Steve’s bartography skills ensured that the entire sweatpants barcrawl was sufficiently shitfaced by midnight.”


Gracecar wrote this In the year 1955 a woman named Loretta, who had a deep and disturbing obsession with Chex Mix, went missing at a barn dance. Legend has it that, after consuming an entire bottle of Robitussin and doing three strikeouts, Loretta disappeared, and wasn’t seen again for decades. Loretta loved to carry around baskets of Chex Mix at barn dances so that her peers could indulge in a salty snack while belligerently dancing the night away. Her disappearance is still a mystery, but her legacy and spirit have lived on in the barn where she went AWOL. Occasionally the ghost of Loretta can be seen, rather vividly, at the very barn in which she vanished as a young girl. The curious thing about the phantom Loretta is that one can only see her when he or she is completely shitfaced. The next morning you’ll remember the added veggie straws in that abundant basket of deliciousness and feel absolutely certain that it was as real as your massive hangover, but it was all just an apparition, kind of like that guy that used to stand in your closet and watch you go to sleep at night when you were little that your parents said wasn’t real. You might even see pictures with her the next day. Don’t be fooled, while she is a ghost, she never misses a photo-op, so of course she uses her weird ghost powers to ensure she can get her ghostly countenance up on Facebook. To test this anomaly, one can go to a barn dance dead sober and witness the horrifying reality of Loretta’s ghost. You will see all of your hammered friends talking to, taking pictures with, and subtly mocking a person who isn’t there. What your sober ass is unable to comprehend is that you are the only one who’s unable to see her. To the sober eye it will appear that your friends are either hallucinating or having a complex partial seizure. Nevertheless, when you see the pictures the day after, as clear as day the image of Loretta will appear. Ghost experts, whisperers, and busters have been attempting to figure out why Loretta is choosing to haunt drunken students at a barn, and why she hasn’t been able to move on to the afterlife. Typically, a person becomes a ghost after death because they have unfinished business on Earth. So, what is it that Loretta is trying to accomplish? Is she trying to do something about the underage drinking running rampant throughout college

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communities (to either stop it or promote)? Is her beef with country music? Maybe her goal is to simply get college students to listen to more Tim McGraw. These are all possible explanations; however, if you ask me, Loretta’s unfinished business is of a much saltier nature. It is my theory that as Loretta’s spirit left her body on that fateful night in 1955, she took a quick glance back at Earth and saw a plane of existence in dire need of Chex Mix. With a quick thought she turned around and whispered, “No. Not on my watch.” Since then, it has been her mission to supply students with as much Chex Mix as possible, forever stuffing their gullets with the party mix variety.

NIGHT OF THE LIVInG DRUnK Hannah Johnson wrote this Pam Pumpkintits awoke suddenly to the sound of loud moans coming from the lower level of her apartment. Her room was dark and all she could see was a flashing white light coming from the entrance of her doorway. Pam reached for her phone to call her roommates for help but her phone wouldn’t turn on. At this point Pam knew something wasn’t right and decided to stay in her bed until the sun had risen. An hour later Pam decided it was safe to leave the confines of her room and explore her apartment. When she rose from her bed she felt a cool breeze as if there was a spirit in the room with her. She could still hear the faint sound of moaning from a distance as if it were haunting her. While she was walking around, she noticed everything was ruined. Their posters were torn down off the walls and thrown into the toilet. Clothes were tossed in every which direction. The kitchen looked like a zombie had come through and ripped all their food to shreds. Not to mention there was blood all over the floor. This was unlike anything Pam had ever seen. She thought enough was enough and decided to alert one of her roommates of the obvious ghost that lived in their apartment. Pam rushed into her roommate Tom’s bedroom and shook him awake. “Tom, wake up!” said Pam in a shrill voice. Tom, grunting, began to wake up. “What, what?” said Tom. “Our apartment is haunted!” “Why on Earth would you think that?” “All the signs point to our apartment having a ghost. I’m sure of it.” “What signs?” “I woke up in the middle of the night to the sound of a ghost moaning. When I looked up I saw a white flashing light like an extraterrestrial spirit was in the room with me. Then I tried calling you but my phone didn’t work. Then when I woke up this morning I felt the spirit in the room. It was like a cold breeze passing through my body.” “Do you think the ghost tore up our apartment too?” “Yeah, it makes sense. It must be an evil spirit that is seeking revenge on us.” “So let me get this straight. You think an evil ghost is haunting our apartment and wreaking havoc on us?” “Yeah! This is serious!” “Let me break this to you gently. You blacked out last night and brought this all upon yourself. You feel a cold breeze because you’re naked. When you got home last night from the bar you ripped off all your clothes while trying to find something to eat. You got angry when you couldn’t find anything and destroyed our apartment.” [grabs blanket to cover body] “Well how do you explain my phone not working? And what about the blood all over the floor in the kitchen?” “I’m pretty sure you cut your mouth on a beer can when you tried to shotgun it by biting the entire top off, and your phone isn’t working because you dropped it in the toilet at Kam’s last night on a dare.” “Wait I think I actually remember that! Those guys last night… what jerks. Wait, how do you explain the flashing white lights and all the moaning last night?” “You mean you seriously don’t remember?” “Remember what?” “Last night you came home with this guy who was holding a Championship Belt and stuck him in your room while you were trying to find something to eat. When you came back to the bedroom you were naked with a video camera and a tripod which explains the flashing white light. In the middle of the night the guy was sneaking out with the sex tape you guys made but we stopped him and convinced him to watch it with us. So the moaning you heard was all your own.” “Man I really need to stop chugging a fifth of tequila before I go out at night.” “And ruin all the fun? Your sex tape has already sold 15 copies on Amazon. That’s like 100 bucks for a one night stand.” “That’s true. I would normally have to be on my knees for two hours to make that kind of money.” Pam exited the room in a daze, unsure of whether or not she should believe Tom. Sure, she was naked and she had imbibed a little too much the night before, but her pounding headache told her that something was still up—that danger lurked around the corner, an ethereal form waiting to destroy her life.


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Inside the Mind of the Paranormal Activity Ghost John McHoneyCombs wrote this

12pm: Well this looks like a pretty good pad to crash for a few days. San Diego? Jackpot! I’ll just settle on in the attic while my roommates get situated. Wait, what the fuck is with all these cameras? I don’t remember agreeing to this shit. No one bothers to tell the all-powerful entity before they go and make changes to the house's layout. 8pm: Micah is so freaking annoying! God, he reminds me of those douchebags I went to school with. Everywhere I turn there he is with that fucking camera. Whatever. Screw this I’m going out for a few drinks. 2am: I—I’m so damn drunk! Probably should’ve stopped after those tequila shots. Ah, shit! Who leaves these books just lying around? I stubbed my toe. Great, now the assholes are up and they’ve got the camera again. I’ll just squeeze on by here. Ow! God, why do I always fall when I’m shitfaced? Hey assholes, thanks for standing in the way! Man, I sure made a mess of this living room. Alright, I’m going to bed. 12:30pm: I am very, very hungover. Would you two keep it down? My head is killing me. Stop with all this haunting nonsense! There, I slammed a door. That ought to shut ‘em up. 3pm: Man, the best part about having your own place? Smoking cigarettes inside! 3:02pm: Holy shit! I just ashed on this Ouija board and it burst into flames! That was actually pretty cool. I’m not even upset if I ruined it, who does Ouija boards anymore? 7pm: Who the fuck is this? A psychic? Really? Get this dumbass out of here. “I sense negative energy?” No shit, buddy. You try living with these people and their loud sex every stupid night. Now you just come waltzing in here like you own the damn

place? Fine, I’m going out again but this dick better be gone by the time I get back. 2am: Woooo! Party rockin’ in the house! Arrrgh! Why’d they lock the door? Shit, where are my keys? Well they usually leave the kitchen window unlocked so I’ll just climb in there. Easy does it…crap! Now the pans are all over the place. I am not cleaning this shit up. Oh crap, I think I’m gonna puke. Blarragablllaagghhh! Oh man, there’s ectoplasm all over the place. I’ll just scoop this behind the ole’ trash can. Oh perfect, they’re up again. Man, don’t these people ever sleep? 3am: Fuck it, sleeping in this attic sucks. Hey Katie, scoot over. God, I hate it when women take all the covers. Well, bitch, I guess we can do this the hard way, and I can just drag you out. Oh stop screaming all you do is cry and complain. Now this is much better, I got the bed all to myself. 1pm: What is this psychic asshole doing here again? I thought I was pretty clear when I slammed that door the other day that I don’t want him around. It’s simple roommate etiquette people, this a grave breach of contract. I thought we agreed that I get to turn on lights and faucets randomly with no questions asked, and I don’t kill/possess anyone. Well guess what you got coming your way? 2pm: Wow Katie’s body definitely needs to work out once in a while. I should probably take a little time getting used to it. 2:30pm: Ok, so now I definitely know how Katie’s boobs work. Oh, here comes Micah. Aaaaaand bitch slap! Holy shit, he went flying! I still got it. Hmm, I don’t think he’s breathing. Yep, I definitely killed him. Oh well, I’m gonna go play with my boobs in the mirror for another half hour.



Cook County Jail Haunted by 9,800 Living Ghosts Corey Guastini wrote this Cook County Jail is the most haunted prison in the United States, boasting more than 9,800 living ghosts roaming its cellblocks, corridors, and courtyards on a daily basis. This spooky institution has been a home for wayward spirits since its construction in the mid 1800s. Prison guards say there is no denying a “strong, malicious presence” when walking down the jail’s narrow halls, and that they “definitely wouldn’t want to be [there] alone at night.” The not-so-dead-yet ghosts housed in the prison create a frightening, almost hostile atmosphere. Curses and soul shaking cries of “I’m innocent; I swear” constantly echo throughout the dingy, metallic halls. One prison official explained the details behind the extensive haunting: “These spirits have committed atrocious acts in their time on Earth. Like all ghosts trapped in this earthly realm, they have been held here to pay for their sins for all of eternity, or at least one to three years if convicted of class-five aggravated assault. There is nothing they would like more than to cross over to the other side without serving their entire sentence.” Indeed, these unfriendly ghosts try to escape their confines on a routine basis. If caught fleeing their cells of eternal damnation, they will not return without a fight. Fifteen security guards have been either bitten or shanked by the ghosts in the past month. Cook County Jail has capitalized on this pervasive haunting by offering “25 to Fright” haunted prison tours. Advertisements for the jail promise walking through the halls of a maximum security prison lined by dangerous ghost criminals is the most terrifying haunted prison experience on the market. Thrill seekers from across the country have accordingly come to bask in the eerie presence of these fully alive poltergeists. Walking tours are provided during the day, and special overnight “ghost hunting” campaigns are available for the brave souls who dare to directly test their fate against the coldblooded killers scattered throughout the ominous structure. Legend has it that if a person stands in front of the infamous Jamal Jones cell late at night and repeats his name three times, a threatening voice will shout, “What the fuck do you want, you broke-ass

cracker? This ain’t no place for no haunted house bullshit, I’m trying to sleep.” While there is no guarantee of a paranormal experience for all visitors, odds are good that the living ghosts will scare the shit out of most with their unpredictable and even dangerous behavior. The locked-up spirits tend to be extremely irascible, and simply looking at one the wrong way will “get your bitch ass beat.” The Cook County Haunted Jail has the highest rate of ghost-induced injuries of any haunted prison in the nation. Despite the prevalence of bodily harm, the haunted jail has been the recipient of critical acclaim. It won the coveted 2011 award for “most genuine haunt.” One visitor explained, “I have been on numerous haunted prison visits but had never actually seen a ghost before. I assumed their appearance would be an abstract apparition of pure evil, but these living ghosts had almost human-like characteristics. It was really spooky.” Surprisingly, the numerous assaults by incarcerated, living ghosts have not resulted in any deaths; however, 30 young men have been murdered by the ghost of John Wayne Gacy, a psychopathic prisoner who suffered the fate of capital punishment at Cook County Jail in May of 1994.

09 Ghost of Zorba's Gyro

Philip “Philip” Azar

The Ghost of Steve Jobs is Haunting my iPhone

Boys and girls and peasants and earls, take a seat and let me tell you a tale of twists and twirls. ‘Tis not my intentions to scare, but beware and take heed, this journey is not light; yet it is about a friend we all knead. Now, before you put TBS down to read The Buzz, I will tell you this is the fable of the Forgotten Gyro of Zorba's! Let’s think outside the bun and have a little fun…

Mike, Ben’s Son! wrote this I purchased my iPhone on October 5, 2011. A day just like any other day. I went to the Apple store at 2:30 to pick up what was soon to be my new iPhone 4. After checking my Facebook and messing around with photo booth filter effects on one of the model Macbooks I went to the salesman to buy my new phone. At precisely 3:00, my iPhone was turned on for the first time. At that exact moment the lights in the apple store began flickering and there was what felt like an immense earthquake. All of the iPods in the store began inexplicably playing “Requiem for a Dream” as the windows of the store shattered, letting in an enormous gust of wind that tossed everything in the store violently. Then a giant, deep chasm was formed in the center of the Apple store, splitting the store in two. It was a truly apocalyptic atmosphere. After a few moments of this the shaking stopped, the lights came back on, and all was back to normal. It was later that I discovered that this catastrophic event coincided exactly with the death of Steve Jobs. Passing off this event as a mere structuring flaw of the building, I suspected no supernatural interference. After leaving the store I looked at my new phone. The background was a picture of a stoic looking Steve Jobs. While a fancy background, I wanted to see what other options the phone had. I looked in the stock pictures and, oddly enough, all of them were that same exact picture. While annoying, I figured this was just a mild glitch. I enabled the camera mode and snapped a quick picture of a rather pretty looking tree. A good nature shot can really brighten up a phone. However, once the picture was snapped, the same picture of the stoic Steve Jobs appeared on the screen. This concerned me greatly. To test it one more time I flipped the phone over and took a quick picture of myself. I looked at the screen and noticed that the phone actually did capture the picture of me, however, a black turtleneck was curiously Photoshopped onto the image. I tried it again. Black turtleneck. I took a picture of a woman standing at the bus stop. Black turtleneck. I took a picture of the clouds. Stoic Steve Jobs. I could think of no explanation. While weird, I was still not overly concerned. And anyway, I had errands to run. I needed to visit a friend of mine to return his toothbrush that he let me borrow; however, I did not know how to get to his house. I used the GPS on the iPhone to find his place. In perfect iPhone fashion, I had a clear set of directions on how to get to my friend’s place. However, once I arrived at my destination I realized that my phone had taken me to another Apple store in a different town. Confused, I entered it in again, yielding a new set of directions. Sure enough I was taken, once again, to an Apple store in a different town. Frustrated, I looked at my owner’s manual and started reading up on return policies. Just then, my iPhone mysteriously began playing the song “Don’t Let Me Down” by The Beatles. This was when I knew something was wrong. Without thinking I joked to myself, “Yeah, looks like YOU let ME down, iPhone.” Suddenly the song switched to “Fuck You (Ode To No One)” by The Smashing Pumpkins. Angrily I yelled, “You’re such an asshole, Mr. iPhone!”

A few weeks ago, I was rummaging through the rubble of what was once Zorba's, looking for Swiss hot cocoa packets and prescription medicine (found plenty of one, if you know what I mean). So while I was sipping delicious hot chocolate from the Alps in the corner of what was once my second favorite gyro restaurant, a strange fog conquered the air. Blackened spatulas began to rattle feverishly against the metal countertops and two ovens began speaking to me with fire.

Immediately after this outburst my phone began ringing. The number? It was my number. My Phone was calling itself. Cautiously I answered it. “Hello?” I whispered. “Hello Michael, this is Steve Jobs,” the phone said to me. “Wait, I just heard that you died! How is this possible?” I asked.

"a black turtleneck was curiously Photoshopped onto the image. I tried it again. Black turtleneck."

“I did. Well, kind of. My soul has become trapped in your phone until my purpose has been realized.” “Y-Your purpose?” I asked.

“I will be trapped in your phone until you go to the Apple Store and buy every single Apple product they sell.” “What? No, I can’t afford that!” “Well you better! And whenever Apple releases any updated products you have to get those too! Don’t you know that they will make your life better? That they will make you cool? My products changed the world for the better! Now go! Purchase! Free my soul!” “Never!” I yelled and threw my car in drive. There was only one way to end this nightmare and rid my phone of this curse. I drove up to a Goodwill and marched right up to the counter. “Here!” I said to the cashier as I handed her my iPhone. “I would like to donate my iPhone to charity.” Immediately after saying this my phone turned on speaker mode and the voice of Steve Jobs began shouting, “What are you doing? You are giving me away to charity!? No! My one weakness, charity! Noooo!” Immediately after handing the phone over to the cashier my phone went silent. The curse had been lifted.

Oven 1: Get out of... Oven 2: Here. Oven 1: Or the Ghost of the Forgotten Gyro… Oven 2: Will. Oven 1: Smite you… Oven 2: Smite you… Oven 1: That was my line. Oven 2: No. I say, “Will smite you,” and you say, “Leave or die!” Oven 1: We practiced this a hundred times and now you’re calling an audible! Oven 2: It’s not fair! You get all the good lines. I only get to say one word! Oven 1: Geez, Roger, get a hold of yourself. What’s really going on here? Oven 2: I just… I don’t know… just never mind. Oven 1: We’re going to talk about this. Oven 2: You’ve always been the golden oven! Everyone always used you because you were closer to the fryer… Fryer: Oh boy… Oven 2: … and now you get the most threatening lines! It’s like, c’mon when’s my chance. When’s Roger time?! Sometimes I wished you died in that fire. Oven 1: You don’t really mean that. Come on, we’re pals. We were both installed here four years ago. Remember that? Oven 2: Yeah. Oven 1: Roger… Oven 2: Lenny… Oven 1: (singing) The little mouse goes, “squeak, squeak!” Oven 2: … Oven 1: Roger… Oven 2: (singing)...and the bat wishes he had a beak, beak. Oven 1: There he is! Roger’s back! Gyro: SILENCE! To my dismay, a ghost appeared above my head. This was no ordinary ghost. He had lettuce and tomato glued onto him with tzatziki sauce, which connected those veggies to luscious lamb meat all wrapped up in a Grade-A flour gyro. It was a gyro, but this was no ordinary ghost gyro. He told me his name was, Kenneth, and that he, and only he, was the Forgotten Gyro of Zorba's. He also mentioned that the prescription drugs were stashed away in box marked “NAPKINS” in the basement. I was just about to look there. Kenneth: Who dares to trespass on the great Zorba's? Me: Philip. Kenneth: I must smite you. Me: Hark! Kenneth: But first I must tell you my story. Me: Come on, man! Kenneth: Come on, pal; I’m a cool guy. I listen to U2. Me: Everybody listens to U2. Kenneth: Yeah, but I’m a fan of their album “October.” Me: No shit? And that’s the story about how I saved Halloween. Sort of. We just kind of hung out and talked about how awesome gyros are. Although this tale seems improbable, I can guarantee you that every single word is true. Well, except for that part about the talking ovens and flying gyro. Until next Halloween, my spooky friends!



carl wrote this

English Horror Story The year was 1925 and the current English Building served as a female dormitory, not unlike our very own Busey-Evans. Charlotte was a bright-eyed freshman majoring in Home Economics, as was usual for women of her time. Her first day of class was the first time she met Professor Roberts, and that first time she knew she would be his. She made sure to attend every class and other students noted they saw her doodling his name in her notebook over and over again. Not in that cute seventh grade way, more in that mental patient obsessive kind of way. Charlotte’s roommate, Rose, tried to ignore the drawings of Professor Roberts Charlotte made and hung all over their room, which would come to be known as Room 135 – capital letter and all, and even politely looked the other way when Charlotte pleasured herself with a pen she stole off of Professor Robert’s desk. However when Charlotte began carving “Mrs. Charlotte Roberts” into all of Rose’s food, Rose had had enough and finally told their RA. The RA, not understanding the gravity of this situation, simply transferred Rose to another room and left Charlotte in her cesspool of obsession by herself. By winter break Charlotte was stalking Professor Roberts back to his home in Urbana and writing death threats to his wife in the snow with her pee. Her stalking became so severe that Mrs. Roberts was finally forced into the witness protection program and relocated to another state. Professor Roberts decided to stay and face Charlotte on his own. He was making biggest mistake of his life. Once Mrs. Roberts was out of the picture, Charlotte felt that nothing was in her way anymore and she and Professor Roberts could be together forever. She would be able to put her home economics degree towards making him a happy man. Since it was the 1920s and all, alcohol was illegal, but we all know that never really stopped anyone from drinking. Charlotte would often frequent the campus’ speakeasies and get obliterated. She would then take any random guy home to sleep with and call out “Roberts” during sex. Most guys would just politely request that she yell his name instead, but Charlotte rarely cared what they thought – also she was so plastered she couldn’t really understand English anymore. Not long after one of these nights out on the town, Charlotte discovered something had gone terribly wrong. She was pregnant. With Professor Roberts’ baby. Of course, not really, but you try convincing some psychopath otherwise. Anyways, pregnant Charlotte was absolutely thrilled that she was pregnant, except that she wasn't married, which was a problem. Late one night Charlotte snuck into Roberts’ house in Urbana and slipped some rohypnol into all of the beverages in the house – just to be safe. After Roberts was properly out, Charlotte dragged his limp body all the way back to the girls’ dormitory. She snuck him into her room in a sort of Weekend at Bernie’s fashion, and tied him up to her standard dormitory desk chair. By the time he woke up she was all dressed up in a white dress (she happened to have one because all whites were the required attire for initiation into the sorority she joined). “What the hell is going on? …Charlotte? Weren’t you in my class last semester?” “Yes, and I will be in every one of your classes for the rest of

your life. I’m pregnant with your baby and we’re about to get married.” “That’s not exactly how that works – just because we’d be married doesn’t mean you’d be in all of my classes. And I’m already married. And we’ve never had sex so I’m certain that you are not pregnant with my baby. Have you ever considered getting some therapy?” “Don’t speak to your wife that way!” “Also you would be my bride in this little scenario you’ve made up.” “We are going to get married and have beautiful babies and get a golden retriever who we can name Dr. William Tibalt because it’s funny when animals have people names and professions!” “I’m allergic to dogs.” “Not any more you’re not. You are going to love Dr. William Tibalt and we are going to be happy.” “Are you the one who’s been stalking my wife and leaving my family death threats?” “I AM YOUR WIFE.” “Again, you’re the bride in this scenario. Look, my wife was expecting me to call her a few hours ago; since you’ve been stalking us lately, she’s going to be really nervous and bound to call the police. Why don’t you just let me go and we can forget this whole mess ever happened?” “But I loooove you.” Just then there was a sharp knocking on the door. “Charlotte? This is Margaret, your RA. Rose said she saw you dragging a man in here and trying to pretend like he wasn’t unconscious by putting sunglasses over his eyes. Is everything okay in there?” “Everything’s just FINE. Leave me alone, whore.” “Charlotte, we’ve talked about your language. I’m afraid I’m going to have to come in, you’ve really crossed the line here today.” Margaret used her master key to get into Room 135 and was hardly surprised to see Professor Roberts tied up to a chair with candles lit all over every available space in the room. “Charlotte, you’re not allowed to have candles – they’re a fire hazard. Now let Professor Roberts go and start packing your things. You’re going to have to leave this dorm.” Margaret untied Professor Roberts and he promptly drove away to be with his wife, miles away from this university where he could be as far away from Charlotte as possible. After hearing this news and realizing Roberts wanted nothing to do with her, Charlotte went ahead and tied her hands and feet together with some weights and jumped into the deep end of the pool. She left only a note saying, “Now I will be able to find you, Professor Roberts.” Unfortunately, Charlotte hardly knew anything about the ghost realm and once she had officially died, she learned that as a ghost you are unable to leave the building that you died in. To this day she roams the halls of the current English Building looking for a way out. She’s really harmless, unless of course you’re a male professor who might resemble what Professor Roberts looked like then she’ll stalk you like the plague, but of course we students have nothing to worry about there.

To our friends next to Lion, we really appreciate you letting us party in your apartment while you went to the bars. Sorry for getting you a disorderly ticket. sincerely, your freshmen friends Jack, dining and dashing is so high school. You owe me $16.... Travis To the receiver of my possum last week. It wasnt dead when i threw it. No idea what happened. Good luck with the live racoon. To the weirdo who writes "April Fools" in dog shit on the Quad, I may of shit on my shoes, but you have shit on your hands. April Fools. Sincerely, Normal Person To Maggie, is this the year we pull the costume switch/ boyfriend switch? I think so...get excited! -Steph Dear freshmen, when preparing for Halloween, please remember to ask yourself, "Can this outfit be any sluttier?" The answer should always, and will always, be yes. Welcome to college! Megs, thanks for the best 21st EVER. Nothing beats wearing a crown while hugging a toilet... just don't share those pics! Steve, please don't dress like cock and balls again. Getting everyone you know. SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO or upload them at




The Black Sheep

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Hall-O-Weekend Friday, Oct. 28th, Saturday, Oct. 29th & Monday, Oct. 31st Saturday Costume Contest Bud, Jäger & Shock Top Girls! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles & $3.50 Shock Top


SATURDAY: Bacardi Presents: The Devil's Ball Over $750 in Cash & Prizes LIVE DJ, Costume Contests, & Pole Dance Competition!

MONDAY: Freakshop A Halloween Party Featuring DJ Belly, DJ Delayney, DK Kosmo, and DJ Tim Williams

WED 10/26

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

Intel and Dell present Noisey College Tour 2011 featuring NEON INDIAN, KREAYSHAWN and ELSINORE

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

THURS 10/27

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

JASON & THE HAYMAKERS Real Genuine American Country Music!

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3 Red Bull & Any Liquor

Closed - Private Party Book Your Party Here!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm Karaoke at 9PM! $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 10/28

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers


Happy Hour Food Special $5 Wings & Fries | $3 Porch Steps 15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Soco Lime Shots

Let the Bass Kick! Halloween Edition DJ Kosmo, DJ Belly, and Other Awesome DJs

Feudin Hillbillys Live at 9PM All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 10/29

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light bottles $3 Bacardi, $3 Hot Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers


Bacardi Presents: The Devil's Ball Over $750 in Cash & Prizes LIVE DJ, Costume Contests, & Pole Dance Competition!

The Dirty Feathers Live at 10PM

UFC 137 Live at 9PM $3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

FRI: Feudin Hillbillys Live at 9PM SAT: UFC 137 Live at 9PM

SUN 10/30



Open at 11am Check out our New Restaurant "The Porch" Serving Awesome Homemade Food Daily! Soups - Sandwiches - Entrees

MON 10/31

Bacardi Girls $3 Bacardi Mixers $1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

The Canopy's Halloween Bash with CORNMEAL and THE RAGBIRDS and KINETIX

Noche de Halloween (Salsa Edition) Monday Nights with a Latin Twist featuring DJ LUNIKS $1 WELLS $2 CORONA Bottles

Freakshop A Halloween Party Featuring DJ Belly, DJ Delayney, DK Kosmo, and DJ Tim Williams

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

TUES 11/01

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos, $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Performing all your favorites! $3 Real Long Island Iced Teas! NO COVER!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints

WED 11/02

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs


$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

Tons of Treats Without the Tummy Ache. No tricks here, just a sick deal - the best price for the most amenities.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning.

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | | 310 E. Springfield

Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café

Monday: Get Your Friends Together for a Chance to Win $2500 CASH in our Halloween Costume Contest

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

World Series Game 6 at 7pm $3 Jager Bombs 4 Sloppy Joes

THURS 10/27

World Series Game 7 Cardinals vs Rangers 7pm $2 SVEDKA, $2 JIM BEAM $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $6 NATTY LIGHT BOTTLE BUCKETS

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Absolut Citron $3 Any Draft

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons & Woodchucks $4 Loaded Chuck's $4 Cups of Shots

FRI 10/28

$5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jameson Whiskey

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

Done with classes for the week? So are we! We'll meet you at Joe's at 5 for happy hour

SAT 10/29

ILLINI vs PENN ST 2:30pm Watch All The Games Here! Heaven & Hell Halloween Party Hell Downstairs/Heaven Upstairs, Over $1000 Cash & Prizes Get your Jack-O-Lantern Sharkbowls All Weekend Long!

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Brat Pack Halloween Costume Party 9p

Have an October Birthday? Have your party at Joe's for free! Call 217-384-1790

SUN 10/30

NFL Football $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE Jack-O-Lantern Sharkbowls $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings SNF-Cowboys vs Eagles 7pm

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at

Open at 11am for Lunch Sunday Funday Free Straws...grab one and have a drink

MON 10/31

Halloween on Halloween Party Over $1000 in Cash & Prizes! Play Pumpkin Pong! Throw Mini Pumpkins into Big Buckets, Win $500 CASH! Costume Contests & More Jack-O-Lantern Sharkbowls

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

Monday Night Joe's for Halloween Best Group Costume WINS $1500 CASH! Best Individual Costume WINS $1000 CASH!

$2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers Tequila Tuesday Back at the 8th Grade Dance $1 Jello Shots

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes

WED 11/02

WED 10/26


Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

TUES 11/01

35 E. Green Street SAT: IL vs PENN ST 2:30pm Watch All The Games Here! Heaven & Hell Halloween Party Hell Downstairs/Heaven Upstairs, Over $1000 Cash & Prizes Get your Jack-O-Lantern Sharkbowls All Weekend Long!

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

World Series Game 6 Cardinals vs Rangers 7pm

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

THURSDAY: $3 Sweet Tea Vodka Special Night $3 Absolut Citron Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $3 Any Draft Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily 35 E. Green Street

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials


$4 ICB’s

Who’s Got Next? You Do.



• Resort-Style Pool • Free Tanning Beds • Fitness Center • Washer/Dryer

• Individual Bathrooms • Pet Friendly • On-site maintenance

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 |

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PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers Happy Birthday Tipper!

WED 10/26

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The Absolut Party! Illini Pregame! $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson Drinks

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

Stellar Days Live 8-11! No Cover! $2 Coronas $7.50 Margarita Pitchers

HALLOWEEN BASH! $1500 in CASH Prizes Best Guy, Best Girl, Best Couple and MORE! $2 Bacardi Drinks, Bat Bites, and Vampire's Blood $2.50 Lite Bottles/Drafts

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

Hallows Eve Rave Treats, Tricks & Glowsticks! BLACKLIGHTS - Lights Out! Free Glowsticks Live DJ & Costume Contests

White Horse Halloween! $2 Wells $2 Miller/Coors Bottles NO COVER!!

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at or 217-722-9000

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

SUN 10/30

SATURDAY: White Horse Halloween! $2 Wells $2 Miller/Coors Bottles NO COVER!!

SAT 10/29

SAT: Hallows Eve Rave Treats, Tricks & Glowsticks! BLACKLIGHTS - Lights Out! Free Glowsticks Live DJ & Costume Contests

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 10/28

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

THURS 10/27

MONDAY: Happy Halloween! $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

SAT: HALLOWEEN BASH! $1500 in CASH Prizes Best Guy, Best Girl, Best Couple and MORE! $2 Bacardi Drinks, Bat Bites, and Vampire's Blood $2.50 Lite Bottles/Drafts

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

WPGU Halloween Party $1.50 Captain Drinks Best Costume Wins an iPad Plus Other Great Prizes!

Happy Halloween! $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

Red Lion Halloween Over $1000 in Cash & Prizes Costume Contest PUMPKIN SMASHING COMPETITION - Win CASH! $1 U CALL ITS, Live DJ

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 10/31

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

COUNTRY NIGHT $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum


TUES 11/01

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 11/02


SCARY • 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms. • Resort style swimming pool.

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24-hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials (217) 353.6800 /

all the treats without any tric ks

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at


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Bartenders of the


Catie firestation

Major: Advertising (my body) Relationship Status: Married to Albert Filman. He’s sexy and he knows it! Have you ever milked a cow? Once, with my mouth. Favorite TV show growing up? Rugrats- Chuckie Finster is sexy. Who was the last person you fantasized about? That cow I mentioned earlier. Favorite beer? Golden WoodyIt’s Goldschlager bombed in Woodchuck. Who is your celebrity look alike? I am a celebrity, haven’t you seen me in Busty Beach Babes 7? Favorite thing to do with a penis? Tie a nice bow on it and put that dick in a box to give to my best friend for Christmas. How much do you bench? Enough to give a phenomenal handjob. When was the last time you slept naked? Were you alone? I always sleep naked and am never alone. Best night to bartend? Whenever freshmen start turning 19 I’ll be happy. I need some new meat to play with.

John Cly's

Major: Religious studies Relationship Status: Taken most tips you’ve gotten in one night? $260 Whose ass would win in a fight, Nikki Manaj or Jennifer Lopez? J-Lo Scariest aspect of bartending? Scary townies. When you looked in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? #Winning Craziest thing offered for a free drink? Blowjob Bang, marry, kill: Jonah Hill, Micheal Cera, Seth Rogen: Kill them all. Craziest place you’ve ever hooked up? Elevator. What is your fav. pregaming activity? Classic shotgun. Funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? Check out my pic. Favorite sex toy? Bea Arthur blow up doll. How low can you go? How much did I drink today? Last dream you remember? Something to do with the Care Bears, some blow, and my third grade teacher.

The YMCA Is Haunted


Nancy Drew wrote this

Hey friends, it’s Nancy Drew. Down to clown and ready to investigate weird things in this town. In order to celebrate Halloween and zombies like a true Drew girl should, I decided to pursue my spiciest case ever this year: The Champaign YMCA on Church Street. Upon hearing rumors of the haunting, I wanted to get an inside look at what this “YMCA” was all about. Naturally, I started at the University’s Virtual Job Board (so clutch), and spotted an opening at the YMCA pool. Perfect. I put on my Ghostbuster onesie and swagged to some Lil’ Wayne to get my game face on—“I’m going in.” Day 1: I pull up to the YMCA to find a building built circa 1874. One look at this place and you want to turn and run because of the overt eeriness and the dark, untold stories lingering in the bricks of this monstrosity. Once inside I got the lowdown from one of the workers. “It’s an old mansion, a family used to live here. When the owner died he put it in his will that it had to be made into a YMCA.” You’ve got to be kidding. “Haha… is this place haunted?” I asked casually to hide my Nancy Drew identity. “Yeah… It’s on the list of haunted places in Illinois,” she replied with a quizzical smile. Shit, are you kidding? No wonder you feel like there are evil forces watching you when you are there, because they for sure are. As I round the corner to go to the upstairs office, there hangs one picture: a portrait of an older man. Talk about a haunted giveaway, if not just a decorating faux pas. Sane people don’t hang peculiar pics like that. Obviously I scurried passed it and avoided eye contact with the sir in the picture in an attempt to remain incognito so no one notices how terrified I am. But the man’s eyes, they watch you. After realizing the severity of this case and the necessity for more background research, I consulted Google. Oh crap: “The YMCA on Church St is haunted as balls. There are cold spots, lights turning off and on by themselves, feelings of being watched, balls rolling down stairs by themselves, strange noises, shadows moving. Doors on third floor open and close by themselves.” ( Dang.

Day 2: The first day of work. With an eye for haunted signs, I noticed a striking resemblance between people wandering the halls and characters from “Monster Mash.” Of course I would have job training with Skeletor. Challenge accepted. With long white bones with the skin all gone, this feisty cat wasn’t playing around. She glared at me, shooting looks so potent her thoughts were coming in loud and clear, “Let’s see how long this idiot broad lasts.” I wondered if I could make friends with these people. Maybe they were just Caspers and weren’t actually going to prey on me. Or maybe not. I began making mental notes of the signs. The aura of the building; the eyes you feel watching. It’s the “oh snap” feeling in your stomach, the gut reaction that tells you to GTFO. As I waded in the pool, soaking it all in as a silent observer, I hoped no one could sense my fear. All of the sudden, I turned to find something swimming onto my shoulder. A wasp. One of those big, fat ugly ones. Twitching and alive in the water. When you’re in an indoor pool and a live wasp ends up in your lane and on your shoulder, it’s usually a good sign you need to get out. They’re onto you. Warning sign taken, I cut my losses and chalked it up as a haunting. I wasn’t about to stick around to be the next horror film. But if anyone’s brave and looking for a good scare this Hallows Eve, check out the Champaign YMCA on Church Street. Have respect; you’ve been warned.


THe top ten

Ghosts on the U of I Campus 10. Your dignity You didn’t just “lose your dignity last night,” you killed it. It’s okay though, because this writer lost his dignity long ago when he wrote this article for his well-endowed girlfriend. You can say “well-endowed” for girls, right? Oh well, too late now. 9. Asians in the Psychology Building Be careful, some of these Asian ghosts are very angry – their anger lasting years after they received a failing grade in MCB. These ghosts will follow you and do whatever it takes to drag you down with them. Some of these poor ghosts, however, are simply confused, wandering the hallways and asking, “Wait, the elevators go down? SHIT!” 8. SafeWalkers Look at these boney little wieners supposed to walk us home at night. You think they’re actually human? No, they’re definitely ghosts. Probably shot to death while walking home one late night flaunting their iPhone or money. Now they’re doomed to protect the rest of us blubbering drunks for the rest of eternity.

Invasion of the Rabid Squirrels Kitty Kat wrote this It was a chilly Sunday evening in late October. The wind was whipping the trees hard, scattering the few remaining leaves to the ground in a rapid frenzy, and a few drops of rain were beginning to fall. He was walking alone, or so he thought, on Wright Street heading back to his apartment after a long night at the UGL. His eyes were heavy, tired and sagging from the hours spent on his sociology term paper. His mind wandered for a bit, thinking of how amazing sleep would feel, when he heard the pitter-patter of footsteps rush past him. He stopped walking suddenly and looked around, but no one was there. “Maybe it’s just one of those creepy homeless guys,” he thought. He grabbed his bookbag a little tighter and kept on walking. He was almost at the Union bookstore when he heard it again, little footsteps slapping the ground. He stopped again, looked behind him, and was still looking in to the dark nothingness. “You’re just imagining this, pussy. Keep walking. It’s probably just more rain drops.” Just as he was about to turn around and continue on, he felt something brush against his ankle. Something soft and fuzzy. He yelped a little, looked down, and noticed it was just a small squirrel, staring back up at him. He laughed to himself, still trying to catch his breath. “Whew, just a squirrel. Those things are harmless.” That’s when he saw them. There must have been hundreds, all running out from the Quad towards the street. Their eyes were red, their hair was standing on end, and their fangs were dripping with blood and saliva. They were all chirping and clicking together, forming one huge mob along the sidewalk. All at once, the stampede came. Hundreds of mutant rabid squirrels began to run towards him on the street. “Dammit. I knew I should have called Safe Rides.” He started to sprint, but no matter how fast he moved my legs, he still wasn’t running quick enough. The rain was falling harder now, making the concrete a little slippery under his feet. He heard more and more screeching as he kept running, like they were multiplying out of thin air. “Where are they all coming from?” He quickly looked behind him and saw them bust through the windows of

the Psych Building and jump from the trees in front of the Henry Administration Building. Everywhere he looked more squirrels were appearing. He knew it would only be a matter of minutes before he would lose speed and become completely overtaken by this army of mutants. He finally made it up to Green Street, only a few blocks away from home, the Altgeld bells tolling in time with his footsteps. He turned west on the street and almost stopped dead in his tracks. There were bodies scattered everywhere, all over the streets, inside the restaurants, and barely hanging over apartment balconies. To his left, a bus filled with at least 20 corpses that had crashed into one of the buildings still smoldering from the impact. “They did this. They’ve got everyone else on campus. Now they’re after me.” By a quick glance, he didn’t see any squirrels ahead, just piles and piles of casualties. He decided to take his chances and keep heading towards his apartment. There was no other way to get there except by going through the war zone. His legs were tired and were starting to feel like jelly, but he couldn’t stop. The pack was growing, getting closer and closer, almost nipping at his heels. He was almost at Sixth Street when the second wave hit. He heard a crash and looked to see more squirrels breaking through the windows of Jimmy John’s and Panera. Some were even spilling out of the bus. They could smell his fresh, uninfected blood and wanted a taste. He could see his apartment door, only a half a block away... He was halfway through the parking lot, about to climb the steps to his door when he slipped on the asphalt and tumbled to the ground. Within seconds, he was surrounded. The squirrels were biting at his legs, clawing at his arms, and ripping his clothes to shreds. He screamed in pain hoping someone, if anyone was still alive, would hear his call and come to his rescue. But who was he kidding? Everyone was dead. The death came slowly, painfully. He could feel hundreds, thousands, of little teeth tearing off every inch of his skin. His screams were soon silenced by the pelting rain and the screeching of the rabid squirrels...

7. The Ghosts of Cly’s According to the woman in Campus T-Shirts, the buildings that houses CO’s and Firehaus are super-old and full of ghosts. Over winter break they go on ghost hunts, but you don’t have to wait until then to see them. Merely keep an eye out for that lone frat-star with a thousand-yard stare as he wanders through the crowds. He is a ghost wandering the earth and looking desperately for the love that never was. 6. Spirit of the Chief Not talking about the Chief himself, but the spirit of the Chief. We know the spirit of the Chief is dead when a chubby, hamsterfaced Freshman 15 asks, “Wait, we had a Chief for a mascot?” and all you can do is answer, “Yes, and you killed him.” 5. Ghosts de la Morrow Plots If you think the Morrow Plots is actually for farming, then you are severely misguided. The Morrow Plots were founded in 1867, right around when the America’s genocide, GENOCIDE, of the American Indians was in full swing. No one is allowed on the Plots, not because they’re old or whatever, but because the Indian corpses are buried so shallow that a heavy rain might uncover them. These poor Indian souls continue to walk the campus, but we celebrate their heritage only by dressing up and prancing around at football games. 4. Class of 2011 You can see these lost, wandering souls in plain day. Their liveliness died in May when they graduated, and have yet to “move on” into the next world. Every weekend you can see these shells of people going to different bars or restaurants, reminiscing about the past and marveling at what has still not become of Za’s. Pray for these ghosts, or else you will soon join them. 3. Ghosts of the Main Stacks Unlike many of the ghosts in this list, this one I am not making up. Go into the stacks, look me in the eye, and tell me that place is not haunted. And I don’t mean full of the spirit of books a la The Pagemaster, I mean kids have got lost and died in this place. Remember that mousy kid who didn’t say much in Early English Lit? He got caught up in the lower D-Ranges of Deck 5 West: Chinese Scribe (Arabian translate), when the lights went off. He was never seen again. 2. All the Spilt Sperm You bros think you can just jerk off all day and night with no repercussions, huh? Well guess what, all the spilt semen on this campus, all the ghosts of trillions of billions of trillions of little spermies slowly gravitate from their gravey-yards that are socks, condoms, and WPGU shirts and form into a white Slimer-like character. However, with the increased admissions this year, this journalist wouldn’t be surprised to see a SpunkMallow Man terrorizing Green St. this year. 1. English Building ghost Probably the most famous ghost on campus. If you haven’t heard about the girl who drowned in the former girl’s dorm, then you are probably an Engineer, and I don’t know why you’re reading this. This hipster-ghost was a ghost before ALL the other ghosts on campus, and since becoming so popular she usually sulks away in the attic since it’s no longer cool to be dead. Just kidding, she bought her one-way ticket to the depths of hell by committing suicide – so you don’t have to worry about her. Hooray!

PenisFarts McGuillicutter wrote this

Jasper the Annoying Ghost

Slang wrote this

You know that fire alarm that goes off in the middle of the night? Or the loud noises you hear outside of your room? I’d be willing to bet that you use your common sense to come to the conclusion that these things happen because of obnoxious drunk kids. I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong. I’m the one making these noises, and my name is… well, just call me Jasper, your wisecracking campus ghost. You see, the thing is, all of you little drunk bastards annoy me, and I’d like to even the odds. What does it really take to get a little peace in the afterlife, huh? You damn kids walk around all day bantering about frats and drinking, and then at night all you do is drink until you vomit or have crazy sex. And you do all of these things so loudly that I can’t get any rest, so I do anything I can to annoy the greater student population. When your bus is running late it’s because I distracted the driver, making him take a wrong turn. There’s nothing that gives me more pleasure than watching you all pace back and forth looking at your fancy phones for the time. Here’s an idea: get to walking! Who really just stands around waiting for a bus that’s clearly not coming anytime soon? You’re all stupid. I’m also behind it any time you accidentally spill something all over yourself. All I have to do is bump into you or the person next to you and boom. That red cup of jungle juice made with cheap vodka is all over you, completely wasted. Unlike you, loser.

I bet you’re probably thinking that I’m a real jerk right about now. Well, you’re pretty much right. I bet you’re also mighty curious about my ulterior motives though, right? All ghosts have their reason for sticking around. Casper the Friendly Ghost wanted a friend, the ghost in Amityville wanted to reenact his murders, and in Poltergeist the ghost wanted children. I want to annoy the shit out of you, because once again, all I really want is for you kids to shut up and leave me alone. Do you all have to talk so loudly when you’re drunk? You all sound like a bunch of hyenas cackling at jokes that really aren’t all that funny. And could you possibly vomit somewhere other than in the middle of the streets and sidewalks? Believe it or not, ghosts can smell odors just like everyone else, and there’s no fouler smell than regurgitated food and alcohol. Do us all a favor and quit drinking so much. In my day, we prohibited such activities. It would even be great if you all could stop having sexual relations with each other in public. If I see one more couple having sex on the quad, I’m probably going to become the most annoying ghost you’ve ever seen. I’ll do simple things like trying your shoelaces together as you sit innocently in class. I’ll make noise across this campus all night long right before your finals, and to top it all off, I’ll turn off your alarm clocks in the middle of the night. Heed my warning, Champaign. Quiet the hell down.

October is

Horror Film Month! October 29th & October 30th Frankenstein (1931) - 12PM Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil - 10PM SERVING BEER, WINE, AND LIQUOR! Mention The Black Sheep and get

Free Popcorn!

the art theater

126 West Church St | Downtown Champaign



the movie page Based on the Trailer

paranormal activity 3 John McCombs saw this and gave it a...



Henry Joost and Ariel Schulman

In Time

Oct. 28

Starring: Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried What You Need to Know: Sometime in the future, people only live until they are 25, and have to work to get more time. But can also die sooner for doing stupid things like drinking coffee and having sex. But can live longer by taking other people's lives. Umm, yeah. What We Think: We love Justin Timerlake, we are okay with Amanda Seyfried, and apparently Olivia Wilde is JT's, it should be awesome? For real, though, the plot is actually original which is a nice change of pace and the director was also behind Lord of War and Gattaca, so the cinematography should be pretty solid. Definitely a must-see.

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas

Nov. 4

Starring: Kal Penn, John Cho What You Need to Know: Due to some freak accident, Harold and Kumar manage to shoot Santa Claus in the face, and thus, discover that he is in fact real. Then, as per the first two Harold and Kumar movies, our favorite stoned, drunk partiers go on an assload of hilarious, nonsensical adventures, and even meet up with Neil Patrick Harris along the way. What We Think: What do you think we think? It's the must-see movie of the year! No, but really, has the combination of Harold, Kumar, and NPH ever let you down? We didn't think so...

Jack and Jill

Nov. 11

Starring: Adam Sandler, Katie Holmes, Al Pacino What You Need to Know: Ugh, do we really need to tell you? Adam Sandler plays both a guy and girl character during his family's Thanksgiving dinner. Seriously. What We Think: Didn't Martin Lawrence do this movie? Or Tyler Perry? Or the Wayans' Brothers? God. This seems like the worst idea ever, and we have no idea how Katie Holmes or Al Pacino got roped into being a part of this. The only thing it actually has going for it are the number of random cameos that take place, including Shaq (clearly looking for something to do), Regis Philibin (come on, you're better than this), Dana Carvey (where have you been?), Tim Meadows (probably won a bet), and Natalie Gal/Yvette Rachelle (crazy hot ladies).


Christopher Nicholas Smith and Katie Featherston


This would be great if not for those damned prequ-sequels? Paranormal Activity 3 had a lot going for and against it. Being the third film in a series where the novelty of being shot documentary-style had already worn off, it was going to be a fight to keep the film feeling fresh (how many lost films can there be? It seems like people were constantly filming themselves getting murdered in the past two decades and whoever found it said, “Well, this can’t be interesting.”). However, this was no longer an indie project with a low budget and a limited release, so the director had a lot more resources. We still constantly get a pantsless female protagonist, though. At least she’s hotter than the actress in the first movie. First, the good. If you were afraid that the film was giving up too much in the previews and commercials then you have nothing to fear. I could swear they made two wholly separate films since ninety percent of the shit you saw in the trailers is nowhere to be found. The scares are still there and it actually manages to incorporate a few surprises as well. You’ll see some genius ways they make use of the limits of 1980s technology to frighten

on DVD

you. Though, I don’t think they had HD cameras back then. The film actually paces itself very well and manages to throw in a little humor to keep the audience entertained throughout. The humor is a welcome breath of fresh air to keep the constant sense of foreboding from becoming too overwhelming. Just wait until you see one of the main characters come close to crapping himself. With that said, we are also given a fairly likable cast this time around who would react similarly to how you would expect an actual family in the perpetual grasp of a demon to react (Hint: you get the fuck out of Dodge). The girls who play Katie and Kristi may be too young to get an Academy Award, but you definitely felt their fear was real and believable. One scene in particular stands out in my mind where one of the girls accidentally angers the ghost and you can feel the terror in the room right before she pays the price (Note: try your hardest not to piss off a servant of Satan). Now, the bad. One of the things that I

admired about the second film was its willingness to give the audience answers and offer some explanation behind the hauntings. PA3 completely forgets that idea and leaves us with a hollow (albeit very tense) climax and ending. I was not the only one in the theater saying, “What the fuck?” when the director’s name came on screen. Even scenes that were shown in the previews as possible answers to questions from the first film were left out or not expanded on at all. While the film shows some ingenuity in offering us scares we’ve never seen before, it still falls back on the same “Boo!” tactics more often than not to get the adrenaline pumping. How many times are people going to slowly turn a corner and attempt to touch someone who we’re pretty sure is possessed? All in all Paranormal Activity 3 is a very good horror movie with plenty of scares and chills to keep you entertained. Just don’t get invested in the plot at all, because this Paranormal Activity gives a finger to the last two films as it strolls off into the sunset.

Things n' things

answers are a few from here

november 1: Cars 2 Crazy, Stupid, Love Water for Elephants Californication Seas. 4 Tresspass november 8: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 The Change-Up Atlas Shrugged Part 1

Children of the Corn is about a demonic entity called what?

Poltergeist is set in which state?

The Sixth Sense was originally suppose to be produced by which company?

The man who played Damien in The Omen has been in how many other movies?


the interview

The War on Drugs You may not have heard of The War on Drugs, but we’re pretty sure you will. These Philadelphia rockers are currently on a national tour supporting their second album, Slave Ambient, a synth rock jamboree for the ears. The Black Sheep: When you started The War on Drugs did you consciously choose what kind of music you wanted to make, or was your sound more of a natural evolution? Adam Granduciel: It just evolved over time. I’ve done a lot of writing and recording, and when I’ve changed my recording set-up to something a little more exploratory, I could be more interactive with the process. By always experimenting we got to where we are on Slave Ambient. TBS: On Slave Ambient did you have a concept for the album going in? Adam: I knew what I wanted it to be, and with the kind of recording I was doing at the time it was going to be pretty reflective of that process. Part of putting together a good album is kind of knowing what you want to do, but not to the point where you just write twelve songs and record them. TBS: What is the songwriting process for you like? Where do you start? Adam: Once a song reveals itself on a guitar or piano or on a tape machine it starts with a melody, then some rough vocals. You build a song up, and over the course of time it changes and you change with it. As you go the song becomes really close to you.


Out Now

real estate Days

Days like these make selling condos more interesting


Real Estate is a band that has been getting a lot of buzz lately; "lately" meaning the past two years. It’s not really a huge surprise why – these Brooklynby-way-of-New Jersey boys have had Pitchfork s-ing their ds since they popped back up in 2009, and continue to praise them for their subtle beats, minimalist music and every other aspect of a band followed by an adjective meaning “simple.” Though their sound isn’t terrible, it’s a wonder why this mostly-forgettable indie rock buzzband hasn’t fallen off the buzz bandwagon.

doesn’t cut it, so the catchy rock riffs in “Municipality" force any listener to double-check what band they are listening to again. Still soft and subtle, this song at least wakes you up during the chorus. “It’s Real” is another good tune that is fast paced and with great vocals, but falls on its face and gets a bloody nose with the uninspired lyrics: “I don't know who's behind / the wheel / sometimes I feel like I don't know / the deal.” Good Lord, they even have a song called “All the Same” that is just the same two beats over and over and over…

Real Estate found their voice and do not stray from it, because it’s what the people want. So do their songs all sound similar? Of course. Is that bad? Well… is it boring? Yeah, kind of! While there is that fine line between “having a unique sound” and “changing / growing / progressing” and the decision on when to cross it, Real Estate doesn’t want anything to do with that fine line. They keep calm, quiet, and in the corner speaker of a bar in Brooklyn where a cute tipsy couple holds hands and speaks softly really close to each other.

But it’s not fair to hate on a band for being slow paced and, at first listen, slightly yawn-worthy; there’s nothing wrong with taking a chill pill and appreciating soft vocals and simple melodies. But being “simple” isn’t an excuse for being mediocre musicians and average singers. The thought that there are a million and one bands just like this one is, I’d assume, thought by over a million and one minds.

But when they aren’t droning on, they randomly have a spurt of excitement that any low-key band can benefit from. Alex Bleeker’s voice generally

Sounds Like: A band that’s falling asleep. Download: Municipality, It’s Real Listen to it When: You’re in a dark bar and want to make-out.

UPCOMING RELEASES >>> Coldplay - Mylo Xyloto Michael Bublé - Christmas Tom Waits - Bad As Me Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (Deluxe Version)

She & Him - A Very She & Him Christmas Toby Keith - Clancy's Tavern Paul Simon - Songwriter Skinny Puppy - HandOver

TBS: When you work on making a song, what kind of consideration do you give your fans and your previous work? Adam: I make whatever I feel like making, but I think that my style of music— the general feeling—is what appeals to fans. Like, if I make something that makes someone feel, that’s what fans like. TBS: How do you approach critical acclaim? Adam: I don’t really read it anymore. When the first record came out it was new and I was interested, but now I’m just kind of bored with it. The amount of people who’ve heard the music and the people who come see it, that’s the best part of it. TBS: Are there difficulties in translating your sound to live music, or do you approach a live show differently? Adam: Live, I think, is less sonically layered, and it becomes a 4-piece interpretation of those songs. We’re not playing backing tracks or anything, so it’s a lot of organs and guitars and samplers and drums. It’s a reinterpretation of the songs. It’s not like every night is insanely different, but there’s something new going on every night. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you play? Adam: A little more rock than mellow, there’s some pretty moments, but it’s rock. We’re not trying to take any of our songs in some crazy new direction. I don’t know, our live show is just a kick in the ass, really. It’s like a live, psychedelic Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. I’d come see us. TBS: If you could have a dream collaboration with any artist, living or dead, who would it be? Adam: Daniel Lanois. TBS: Daniel Lanwhat? Adam: He’s a producer; he produced Bob Dylan’s Time Out of Mind, Neil Young’s latest record, Peter Gabriel. He comes to mind as someone I’d like to record with in some capacity. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Adam: Yellow mustard, thinly-sliced swiss cheese, homemade tuna salad, lettuce, tomato and applewood bacon. TBS: What are you drinking? Adam: Tecate or Sol, Mexican beer.

Halloween Bingo! Created by Myles "Dougy Ramone" Mitz

Playboy Bunny


French Maid



Beer Wench




Cat woman

School Girl



Bumble Bee



Police Officer

Cave Girl

Disney Princess

Girl scout





Can you spot them all? If you can document your findings by taking a picture of all the costumes from above and send them in, we'll give you the prize of your dreams...first one in, wins!


28 Days After the Walking Dead Thanksgiving

Frank the Bunny wrote this

Fresh off the heels of Halloween is Thanksgiving. What happens when one day you wake up out of your turkey coma and find that the world around you has been devastatingly changed? Friday, Nov. 23, 2012 28 days until December 21, the Mayan Apocalypse This morning I woke up in a hospital bed reeking of feces...or am I in a house atop of an underground bunker? Shit, I can't remember. I can't remember who I am, where everyone is, or why I feel so satisfied...yet so cold... I'm closing the windows, this isn't summer weather. Sunday, Nov. 25, 2012 26 days I knew where I was. This quiet, delicious-smelling place was my grandmother's house! I came here Thursday afternoon for Thanksgiving dinner, which would explain why I felt so rested and had pooped my pants. The last thing I remember before passing out that night was my family talking over dessert, jabbing about the Christmas music, and how it was getting to them...What Christmas music were they talking about? They went Christmas shopping early the next morning to beat the rush. Why didn't they come back? Still too turkey tired to think. I’ll leave tomorrow. Back to…sleep… Monday, Nov. 26, 2012 25 days; and 267 days until John Stamos's birthday! I left this morning and took the sweet potatoes and my grandma's dog. Nobody ate the potatoes, and I'll need the little Shih Tzu for companionship. This world is a complete wasteland...Is everyone else still in their turkey coma? What I encountered next may not be easy to comprehend. Something is wrong with the people. They're all trying to eat me! What the boners?! I have no choice but to run – if only I hadn’t eaten so much goddamn turkey! Tuesday Dec. 4, 2012 17 days; 259 days 'til Stamospalooza Survival is all I have...The people are all running around, eating human and dog alike. They don't really like cats though. But they're not just super hungry for new delicacies, they're pissed! I found a copy of a local The Black Sheep newspaper. Apparently, at the cock-stroke of 4:00 a.m. on Friday, November 23, the day I awoke to the apocalypse, all people listening to Christmas music on the radio suddenly snapped! They were infected with rage. Scientists blamed this disor-

der on the fact that FM radio stations nation-wide began playing Christmas music non-stop since November 1, the day after Hallows Eve! Classics like “Little Drummer Boy” and “Dominic The Donkey” were just too much for everyone after a while. We should have known! We should have stopped it! Damn you Santa! My family may have been listening to the radio at that time... Saturday, Dec. 8, 2012 Fuck this shit; Still Stamos-crazy Some unfortunate trouble fell upon Scrappy Doo (as I later named the little Shih Tzu for amusement) and me. We were lying low in the countryside avoiding the angry zombie shoppers and their empty shopping bags. Walking through a field of tall grass littered with suspense, Scrappy and I found ourselves in deep doo-doo. Not literally, but we were surrounded by wild turkeys that had also been infected with the rage. I suppose because of the recent unpopularity of Thanksgiving this year, not as many turkeys were hunted, which really pissed them off, so they were also infected with the rage! We should have known! Scrappy and I almost didn't get out alive, but luckily I went on a kicking spree. I punted, dropkicked, and round-housed like eighteen turkeys before we got out. On the run, we sought shelter in an abandoned mall. The electricity was still turned on. The Christmas music! It was still playing, but we couldn't just go back outside. I was able to shut it out with my spacing out skills, but Scrappy... Scrappy turned into one of them... I punted him too. The preceding diary entries were discovered in the future after the Mayans came back to Earth to cleanse it of all of the infected on December 21, 2012. The writer's last entry was December 14, but frankly, he was a little crude with his language so it has been censored out. Let's just say it involved his newly found addiction to zombie sex. Is that technically necrophilia? Anyways, The Mayans restored order back to Earth society and on August 19, 2013, the world celebrated its rebirth... as well as John Stamos's birthday.

6 Degrees of separation: s pkin

o H y n o Anth

Do you know how two of our favorite scary movie characters are related? Figure it out, email us at, and the first 10 win a prize!

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Movie Quiz


1. "He Who Walks Behind the Rows" 2. California 3. Disney 4. Zero scan & like

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Illinois - 10/27/11 - v19i11  

Illinois Halloween Issue 2011

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