Volume 19, Issue 8 — 10/05/11 - 10/12/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
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Occupy the Quad! The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College” Brought to you by
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Che Benson wrote this
When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to braid their hair, sport miniature American flags, and listen to quasi-political folk-rock in a public space, it has always fallen upon the college-aged student to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and face corruption with megaphone and Guy Fawkes mask in hand. If a young LAS student named Thomas Paine had never smoked a bowl of medical grade marijuana and gotten deep on politics, we would all be drinking tea and listening to The Libertines right now. And if a young man named Arthur Read and his friends had never gotten their petition together to get the Scare Your Pants Off book series back in the Elwood City Library, the children of the town would be deprived of some shockingly entertaining reads. Revolution is a natural phenomenon in the progression of a modern society. It is the proverbial puberty of a young nation: Although things are getting hairy, we can always depend on a firm and hand and razor sharp wit to clear things out down there in the groin of injustice. In the good old days, youth revolutions occurred when a group of people couldn’t eat or didn’t have equal opportunity in society, but ever since Jimi Hendrix inspired a nation of inebriated Joan Baez fans to take LSD and breastfeed in public, revolutions have been centered around nineties rap metal bands or the firing of popular television talk show hosts. However, things have changed in recent weeks. If you have not heard about the events transpiring on Wall Street these past couple weeks, basically shit is hitting the fan. After years of recession, greedy banks, and political dishonesty, people are finally getting off of their computers and taking their Anti-Flag fueled, left wing rage into the streets. With the hopes of forcing the top 1% of our nation’s wealthy elite to share some of the prosperity, young people from all over the country have flocked to New York to chant things and act real angry and concerned. Honestly, it was the banks’ fault for allowing so many people to lose their homes, because now these fine young yuppies have virtually no place else to go except to riot in New York.
Other stuff
Inside
06: let me inn!
There’s only one bar on campus that can put up with your antics.
Nothing short of pepper spray and overenthusiastic riot place can stop these protesters. Honestly, it’s inspiring. If it weren’t for my responsibilities, desire for basic personal hygiene, and general laziness, I would go to join them in a heartbeat. Therein lies the problem: A lot of people are angry about the greed in our society, and organizing a good old fashioned public protest is the best way to display your un-wavering, ever-important opinion, but New York is simply too far away. So, why not bring the protests here? Like every great idea, I came up with an awesome name for this event before I decided what the event should even be about. The name is: Omitting Corruption Can Utilize the Prosperity You Thought Had Evaded Quarreling Undergrads And Doctorates, or, O.C.C.U.P.Y.T.H.E.Q.U.A.D. That’s right, first the un-wavering 99% occupied Wall Street, and now we are bringing the protests to the University of Illinois quad. However, here at The U of I we do not face much of the same problems being fought for on Wall Street. At U of I there are no big banks, no scary rich people in suits, and a strong lack of a Donald Trump presence. For this reason, it is imperative for us to develop a list of demands: A constitution for our noble cause. Developing this list should be a joint operation, however, I have come up with a few demands myself. Occupy the Quad’s list of Demands! 1. All Safe Ride buses should be driven by Mr. McFeely, the deliveryman from Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood, or a look-a-like of similar character. He seems friendly and will ward off crime alert offenders. 2. I-Clickers need an upgrade. Suggestions: I-Clicker Lightsaber, I-Clicker Cell Phone, I-Clicker Condoms. 3. Bring back our original controversial mascot! No, not Chief Illiniwek, I mean the shortly lived 1937 Fighting Illini Hitler Mustache Man. 4. Let me drive the football injury cart around Memorial Stadium for a half hour.
07: If Your Tour Guide Were Honest Lincoln Hall? Don’t worry, you’ll never be inside it.
Continued on Page 19... 22: the zooker quiz which type of awesome ron zook are you?