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Volume 19, Issue 8 — 10/05/11 - 10/12/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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Occupy the Quad! The

Black Sheep

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The Booze News

Che Benson wrote this

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for people to braid their hair, sport miniature American flags, and listen to quasi-political folk-rock in a public space, it has always fallen upon the college-aged student to pick themselves up by their bootstraps and face corruption with megaphone and Guy Fawkes mask in hand. If a young LAS student named Thomas Paine had never smoked a bowl of medical grade marijuana and gotten deep on politics, we would all be drinking tea and listening to The Libertines right now. And if a young man named Arthur Read and his friends had never gotten their petition together to get the Scare Your Pants Off book series back in the Elwood City Library, the children of the town would be deprived of some shockingly entertaining reads. Revolution is a natural phenomenon in the progression of a modern society. It is the proverbial puberty of a young nation: Although things are getting hairy, we can always depend on a firm and hand and razor sharp wit to clear things out down there in the groin of injustice. In the good old days, youth revolutions occurred when a group of people couldn’t eat or didn’t have equal opportunity in society, but ever since Jimi Hendrix inspired a nation of inebriated Joan Baez fans to take LSD and breastfeed in public, revolutions have been centered around nineties rap metal bands or the firing of popular television talk show hosts. However, things have changed in recent weeks. If you have not heard about the events transpiring on Wall Street these past couple weeks, basically shit is hitting the fan. After years of recession, greedy banks, and political dishonesty, people are finally getting off of their computers and taking their Anti-Flag fueled, left wing rage into the streets. With the hopes of forcing the top 1% of our nation’s wealthy elite to share some of the prosperity, young people from all over the country have flocked to New York to chant things and act real angry and concerned. Honestly, it was the banks’ fault for allowing so many people to lose their homes, because now these fine young yuppies have virtually no place else to go except to riot in New York.

Other stuff

Inside

06: let me inn!

There’s only one bar on campus that can put up with your antics.

Nothing short of pepper spray and overenthusiastic riot place can stop these protesters. Honestly, it’s inspiring. If it weren’t for my responsibilities, desire for basic personal hygiene, and general laziness, I would go to join them in a heartbeat. Therein lies the problem: A lot of people are angry about the greed in our society, and organizing a good old fashioned public protest is the best way to display your un-wavering, ever-important opinion, but New York is simply too far away. So, why not bring the protests here? Like every great idea, I came up with an awesome name for this event before I decided what the event should even be about. The name is: Omitting Corruption Can Utilize the Prosperity You Thought Had Evaded Quarreling Undergrads And Doctorates, or, O.C.C.U.P.Y.T.H.E.Q.U.A.D. That’s right, first the un-wavering 99% occupied Wall Street, and now we are bringing the protests to the University of Illinois quad. However, here at The U of I we do not face much of the same problems being fought for on Wall Street. At U of I there are no big banks, no scary rich people in suits, and a strong lack of a Donald Trump presence. For this reason, it is imperative for us to develop a list of demands: A constitution for our noble cause. Developing this list should be a joint operation, however, I have come up with a few demands myself. Occupy the Quad’s list of Demands! 1. All Safe Ride buses should be driven by Mr. McFeely, the deliveryman from Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood, or a look-a-like of similar character. He seems friendly and will ward off crime alert offenders. 2. I-Clickers need an upgrade. Suggestions: I-Clicker Lightsaber, I-Clicker Cell Phone, I-Clicker Condoms. 3. Bring back our original controversial mascot! No, not Chief Illiniwek, I mean the shortly lived 1937 Fighting Illini Hitler Mustache Man. 4. Let me drive the football injury cart around Memorial Stadium for a half hour.

07: If Your Tour Guide Were Honest Lincoln Hall? Don’t worry, you’ll never be inside it.

Continued on Page 19... 22: the zooker quiz which type of awesome ron zook are you?


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Table of

contents 09 05

p5: Sex in the CU: Interviewing Your Bang Buddy You wouldn’t let a hobo clean your apartment, why would you let some dirty guy in your vagina? p8: Energy Drinks: They’re A Steal! Have you seen how many of them are on the market these days? p9: Haunted House Oh no! The Pop Tarts moved again!

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p16: Recipe for Disaster: Snickers Toast Because you couldn’t spare the 89 cents. p17: Alcohol Review: Pinnacle Cotton Candy Vodka We remember when vodka tasted like vodka. p18: Top Ten: Ways to Piss Off Guys at Bars Two guys walk into a bar…and start punching each other in the face. p18: Fall Frativities Lock down some tail for the long winter ahead.

p9: From the Streets What’s the most awkward thing someone has said during sex? p20: Movie Review: 50/50 A movie about cancer can’t help p10: College Apartment Décor but be hilarious. No, your Scarface poster is totally rad, dude. p21: The Black Sheep Interviews: They Might Be Giants p16: Bartenders of the Week Hey, they have two more GramThese bros are really dudes, mys than you do. bro. p21: CD Review: Ryan Adamsp16: Drinking Game: Kill Man Ashes & Fire No one has died in the playing Adams has 13 albums, one of this game. for each year you’ll spend in college.

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandmier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

pr manager Anastasia Guletsky Abbie Welch photographer Caitlin Chrzanowski campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Atish Doshi & Derek Chin Questions?

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Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


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05

Interviewing a bang Buddy

and the u

1. Is he/she clean? This may not be the easiest question to approach someone with, but it is certainly the most important. You don’t want to risk your health over some slam piece. Try and weasel the answer out of them by snooping around their medicine cabinet or speaking to their previous hook ups. 2. What’s his or her schedule look like? Things will obviously be optimal if your schedules align. Not necessarily your daytime schedules – you don’t need to know when this person gets out of class. All you need to know is when they have class in the morning so you can be sure to book it back to your apartment before they wake up. Also, seniors who are trying to enjoy their senior year should avoid sophomores and juniors who are still taking things at this university seriously. Aim for a friend who has a light load like you and plenty of free time on the weekends to set aside for some playtime. Friends with benefits. Mates who mate. Pals who fornicate. Chums who cum. Anyway you look at it people have been boning their friends since the beginning of time. The only problem is sometimes your friends aren’t particularly sex worthy. How the heck are you supposed to pick out which one of your friends are worthy of your pleasure fruits? Easy. Ask these five simple questions and with the right answers, you’ve got yourself a new playmate.

3. On a scale of one to ten, how crazy is their ex? This particular problem can be an immediate deal breaker. Nothing will slam the breaks on a sexy hook up faster than a crazy ex. You and your pal are trying to get frisky and it turns out ex-Stacy is hiding under Charlie’s bed, wearing the wedding dress she bought after their first date. It’s okay if your friend has an ex (someone who’s never dated anyone before is generally a hook up to avoid – if no one else wanted to test the waters, they’re probably toxic),

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Carles Barkley wrote this

but any ex who looks like they’ve watched Psycho more than fifty-three times might be the type to avoid. 4. How compatible are you? For example, knowing how much I love sex and want to have it every second of every day, I would probably avoid someone who is content with having sex just one to seven times a week. Try and look into whether or not they use toys in the bedroom or enjoy researching exotic sex positions or fooling around in public areas. You’re in this friends with benefits horse shit in order to have a good time, so don’t settle for someone who isn’t on the same level as you. 5. What is his/her nether region situation? Warning, this discovery could completely change your friendship. Men, you need to find out what’s going on down there: full bush, landing strip, crazy design, Brazilian, does she vajazzle, nice and tight, loose and floppy, tribal tattoos – this area could be Pandora’s box for all you know, so if you head down there make sure you’ll be ready to lose this person as a friend forever. Women have it a bit more simple, well-maintained and average to above average size preferred with no surprise markings or piercings; we’ll even accept a little curve as long as it’s not too drastic. Happy screwing my dear friends and always remember to wrap your junk to avoid the funk. And by “the funk,” I mean syphilis.


There’s Only One Bar on Campus that Will Let Me Inn

Kitty Kat wrote this

Before coming to U of I, I always thought turning 19 years old was just that awkward birthday that meant nothing. When you’re 16, you get your license. When you’re 18, you get porn and cigarettes. When you’re 19, well, you just get an extra candle on your cake. But then I realized the Holy Grail of all birthday privileges... I could go inside bars. Ever since that happened, my life has gone to shit. Following U of I tradition, I made my first trip out to the bars on my birthday night. Things got out of hand pretty fast. I started off throwing back a few brews with my closest bros next to the dance floor at Kam’s. The next thing I remember, my ass was tossed out on to the pavement in front of a long line of people waiting to get inside. If I didn’t look like enough of a freshman already, this was truly the icing on the cake. Not only was I kicked out of my first bar by only 11 p.m., but also I had puke running down my pants and into my socks. Each weekend after that was the same. Nightmares filled with $2 Malibu’s and pants full of piss. I became so belligerently intoxicated after a few drinks that I turned in to the Hulk and started smashing, and vomiting, on everything in sight. I had no idea that this side of me was even possible. I always thought a little harmless underage drinking wouldn’t be a big problem. I started to gain one horrible reputation around campus: People started to stop me on the Quad and ask me if I was the guy dancing naked on the stripper poles last night. All of the bouncers were out for my balls. I couldn’t walk past Murphy’s, Red Lion or Firehaus without getting dirty looks from the employees inside. I’m sure I even saw some WANTED posters hanging in the windows at Cly’s. I tried to not let this stop me. After all, I was getting sick of the whole frat scene and wanted to go out with my friends every night. I tried growing a mustache for a disguise, but after discovering that all I could muster was a little peach fuzz

I settled on buying one of those stickon ones. I got so close. I was just about to pay cover, but I was so nervous and sweaty that the fake facial hair slid right off my face, exposing my true identity at the worst possible moment. The bars retaliated by putting up new WANTED posters... complete with a drawn-on mustache. I even dyed my hair, got a spray tan, and even stooped as low as to try and climb over fences and break in back doors just so no one would know it was me. It was impossible. I was officially left with only one bar on campus that had no idea how much trouble I was: my secret refuge, the Illini Inn. It was hard to convince my friends to even go with me in the first place. They had developed some obsessive crush on a couple of the shot girls at Joe’s with huge tits and never wanted to go anywhere else. I promised them that I wouldn’t fail this time; I had to be on my best behavior at all times or my one safe haven would soon be another place that wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. I was so nervous to make a scene that I didn’t even drink as much as usual. The Chambana nightlife had lost all of its excitement for me. It got even more depressing as the year went on. I didn’t even go out every night like I used to. I had become a complete loner, drowning my sorrows, watching Tosh.0 re-runs with my pants off and devouring cold, leftover One World slices. Everyone else was out getting drunk, meeting girls, taking more than 7 shots without hurling their pubes off. I was doing homework. On weekends. I was a complete joke. If I could go back in time, I’d slap my dumbass freshman self in the face. It’s my senior year now, and I’ve never been more miserable. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve tried every single year to regain the bars’ trust. But it looks like I’m forever doomed to be a regular at the good ole Illini Inn. I just pray to God I don’t do anything to get kicked out of the Mug Club next.

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If Your Tour Guide Were Honest John McHoneyCombs wrote this

Alright, just so everyone is on the same page, I’ll be spending the next half hour walking backwards, praying some stupid cyclist doesn’t run into me, and telling you some random trivia that I saw in an ibook once. Just so you know, about seventy percent of these buildings you’ll only ever step inside once, if at all. Parents, feel free to ask your important questions which I will try to dance around because I don’t really know the answer. And if you are at all curious, I can tell you when the Morrow Plots was constructed, so be ready for that nugget. First we’ll start at the Quad where, if you look to your immediate left, you’ll see the Henry Administration Building. I honestly have no idea what the hell goes on there, so don’t ask. To my right you’ll see the main Quad where we hold Quad day once every year. This is when a bunch of people yell at you and pretend to be your friend so they can get your name on an email list. If you continue walking south with me we’ll pass by the English building which many people say is haunted. That’s complete bullshit. However, it is a good place to take a break when you’re too drunk to walk. Our last stop on the Quad tour is Foellinger Auditorium. If you have a lecture here you’ll spend most of your time asleep or skipping it altogether. Our second little stop on this tour is the residence halls. First, we have the Six Pack. Named after the body part none of you will have after spending your first year here. They have begun construction on brand new residence halls in this area, but that’s irrelevant because I won’t get to live in them and neither will you. Next we have FAR and PAR. If you’re white then you probably don’t

even need to know where these are. For those of you who aren’t white, have fun learning the definition of a commute. Finally, there’s ISR, LAR, Allen, and Busey-Evans. To be honest I don’t know much about these dorms, but just about everyone I’ve met who lived there was a hipster jagoff, so I think that speaks for itself. All these dorms carry our campus newspaper, the Daily Illini, which looks so cute being placed next to those real newspapers. Awww, they think they’re people. Our final spot here is one of my personal favorites, Green Street. If you look to the north you’ll likely see an unsolved crime scene and homeless people who will gladly sift through your dumpster to do your recycling for you. If you look closely at this sidewalk you’re likely to see either vomit residue or drool from where someone passed out. With that in mind, if you look behind Geovanti’s you’ll see the dumpster I like to piss behind on my way home from the bars. Finally, if you close your eyes and listen really closely at midnight they say you can hear the voice of your true love getting plowed on a dance floor. That about wraps ‘er all up! I hope you have enjoyed your brief orientation here at the University of Illi-nois. Don’t get used to all this special attention, because when you come here in the fall you will not have some poor schmuck like myself to help guide you around campus. You will have to learn it all for yourself. In the meantime, enjoy your complimentary lunch and lanyard, because the next time I see you will be when you are a freshman, and I will not be kind.

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Energy Drinks: They're a Steal! Bike Myrnes wrote this If you have been to a convenient store or gas station as of late, you may have noticed a lot of new energy shots popping up. Like Five-Hour Energy, they all claim to deliver a low calorie energy boost with no crash to get over that “2:30 feeling” you get at the dentist. But beware, my friends. These drinks have some side effects that are not being mentioned in the commercials. I personally think neighborhood drug dealers, not family friendly grocery stores, should sell this stuff. Based on the accounts of various anonymous users, energy shots inspire an obsessive need for the belongings of other people. Did I mention that individuals who had committed some kind of theft, misdemeanor, or felony reported all of these accounts? We found quite a few of them at the Urbana Police Station holding cells one morning and discovered that all of them had consumed energy shots the night before, blacked out, and woke up locked in their bedrooms with over 100 items stolen and hoarded. From can openers, to double dildos, to wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube men. Quotes from these individuals paint a Bob Ross quality picture of these adverse effects. “I drank 8 energy shots last night because I have a test tomorrow for my Psych 100 class that I am absolutely not prepared for. I have been out every night since syllabus week. After I drank the shots, I went on Facebook and Google+ to update my status about how my entire life is over because of this test and I still haven't started studying. The next thing I know, I'm leaning back and forth in a rocking chair in my room next to seven cats I've never seen before, a giant cardboard cutout of Steve Buscemi, an I-74 sign, and 400 copies of The Greatest Hits of Michael Bolton. I didn't have a rocking chair before! Now I'm serving 10-15 years in a federal penitentiary.” Wow. That's nuts. Check out this one. “I'm not really one for any kind of drugs. Even caffeine gives me the willies! I was peer pressured into trying one of the energy shots last night after knitting club, and now I'm on trial for trying to steal $160 million from three casinos in Las Vegas. I must have somehow made it back to campus since I'm in jail here.” Somebody please think of the children!

“I drank two energy shots last night and snuck one into my girlfriend's vodka Redbull. I wanted to pump her up a little so she would go home with me at the end of the night to play Apples to Apples. But that's not what happened! We played Monopoly until way past midnight – it was totally out of control. She had a fit of theft herself, as after the game she apparently stole a year's worth of morning-after pills and nine gallons of skim milk.” This next one was from a cartoon character. “Energy shots are great! I decided to upgrade my afternoon juice while my mom was out with one of her new boyfriends. I stole four pairs of flood pants right before a flash flood! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!” So the next time you're thinking of getting a boost of energy to get by, please avoid energy shots. Seriously, studies have proven you're better off scoring an 8-ball or some speed than consuming this demon liquid. There have been 70 billion counts of felony theft since the dawn of the energy shot according to Klepto Weekly and energy shots have ruined the lives of several people. If you use energy shots, you might just end up naked in a ditch with a sailboat anchor, every Beanie Baby in existence, and George Washington's wooden teeth.


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From 'da Streets

House Haunted by Bitch Mom

Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

“What is the most awkward thing you have said/someone has said to you after sex?”

corey wrote this Recently graduated from college, a group of four young men decided to rent a house together, but every home they looked at within their price range was in abject condition. Weeds inundated the yard, paint flaked off every wall and a strange, pungent aroma permeated each room. Reluctant to commit to such awful abodes, the four scoured the newspaper for a listing of better quality. To their surprise, they found one almost too good to be true. On a cool autumn day, they drove down a long, winding, leaf covered road up to a gorgeous colonial. The listing stated the house was nearly forty years old, but it looked brand new. The bushes out front were perfectly manicured, and the shutters appeared to have a fresh coat of resplendent blue paint. Inside, the hardwood floors were in pristine condition, and every room was redolent of freshly cut flowers. Without hesitation, the four committed to the house. Not much time passed before the men noticed strange happenings in their dwelling. Each morning, four brown sack lunches appeared on the island in the kitchen. Each of the friends swore he wasn’t the one who made them. This freaked the guys out, but the lunches were delicious PB and Js with the crusts cut off and Tagalongs so they decided not to make a fuss. Even more alarming was the tendency for dirty dishes to spontaneously appear clean and old clothes thrown on the floor to magically find their way into the hamper. Despite being thoroughly creeped out, the guys again decided not to question good things. They would soon regret this lack of concern. One afternoon, after the grass had cut itself, the friends participated in a rousing game of croquet in the yard. Without thinking, they entered the house with their grass-covered shoes still on. Before getting more than three steps in, a strong gust of air filled the house. All the doors and windows slammed shut and a loud, feminine voice boomed through the halls, “Take those shoes off, you’re tracking grass all over the floor! I just cleaned it! Do you think this house takes care of itself? Well, it doesn’t! I’m busting my ass all day while you do nothing! And I never even get a thank you! Well things are going to change around here; you’re going to take on more responsibility. I’m sick of doing this alone.” Terrified, the four friends sprinted out of the house. After a long night of frantically scanning through microfilm newspapers at the local library, they found out a woman had unexpectedly died in the house twenty years prior. She was carrying a heavy vacuum cleaner up the stairs that her nogood son had refused to help her with when she succumbed to a massive heart attack. It all made sense. This is why the

“You can take anything from the bottom shelf.” - Kevin B., Junior

house was so cheap—it’s haunted by a bitch mom, a bitch mom who constantly feels under-appreciated and takes her anger out on everyone else in the house. The guys didn’t want to return home, but their DVD collection and George Foreman Grill were still in there, so they sort of had no choice. Wary, they slowly turned the doorknob and tiptoed into the foyer. Their entrance did not go unnoticed. The voice shouted, “Here’s what you’re going to do: You’re going to clean the dishes yourself tonight, and from now on you will run water over the dishes when you put them in the sink so the food doesn’t dry on there like concrete. You will fold and put away your own laundry, make your bed, and take out the trash. You will NOT leave your stuff out for me to pick up or use my good towels to clean up spills on the floor. And I don’t want to hear any lip or heavy sighs like I’m asking you to do so much.” To make matters worse, the guys were almost 100 percent sure the bitch mom was PMSing because none of this was that good of a reason to get so upset. The friends saw no option other than do what makes all moms break down: Laugh at them while they’re trying to express sincere discontent. Like a charm, this caused her to start crying, storm off to the master bedroom, and slam the door. In this moment of opportunity, the guys grabbed everything important and ran like hell out of the house never to return. From that day forward, they were able to remain complete slobs and disrespect the efforts of well-meaning women without hearing any dissatisfaction.

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SHOUT OUTS!

Typical College Apartment Decor that's Actually Really Lame Cleves wrote this If the shows Extreme Home Makeover and Hoarders have taught me anything, it’s that you can really tell what kind of person someone is by the way their house is decorated. Some people enjoy having a plethora of bonsai trees in their living room, while others enjoy burying their various cats alive by cluttering their homes with garbage. I’d say these types of people are pretty strange, but if Ty Pennington were to come examine some of the apartments here at UIUC, he would probably think all the students here were just straight dumbasses. It seems as though every apartment or dorm room on campus has the same decorations, and at first drunken glance they may seem, “Awesome,” “Hip,” and, “So college.” But if you really think about it, most of the random shit covering the walls and littering the countertops of these apartments are pretty stupid. Street Signs I don’t know what the craze is over stop signs or yield signs or any other sort of geometrical shape that controls traffic. We see this kind of stuff all the time, I mean, unless you’re blind or the most oblivious person in the world they can be seen all over campus. Seriously, go over to the corner of Fifth and Daniel right now and you’ll see four stop signs. Four! Nobody is really that impressed by the giant, “One Way,” arrow hanging up above your door. Empty Bottles of Liquor or Boxes of Beer Cool, you drank Hypnotiq a couple of weekends ago. Look! It’s in a blue bottle! That’s sick. Actually, you’ve drunk quite a few types of alcohol, as they are all neatly displayed on top of your cabinets. I can see that you’ve tried every flavor of Burnettes, and it looks like you even upgraded to Grey Goose once. Oh, I didn’t even see that entire wall covered with empty Keystone boxes! Damn, you guys really know how to party. Don’t you people realize that you’re keeping garbage? YOU’RE KEEPING GARBAGE! This is the first step in becoming a full-blown hoarder. No one really thinks you’re cool because you drank Grey Goose. We all know you stole that from your parents’ liquor cabinet.

Dear guy that fell in someone else's puke at the Library, thank you for the best laugh of my life. Dear Everyone Who Wants To Be A Librarian, Sorry about the whole internet thing. Girl in the blue bra and nose ring at the Vesta Co-Op underwear and overalls party, you're sexy as shit. Wish I could dance with you again. - The cute redheaded girl Warning to my teachers- If we go undefeated and beat Carolina, I may not sober up until Spring semester.

Nudie Posters Yes, boobies are fun to look at, and it’s always nice to wake up to a naked bitch every morning. But you know what’s even better than a naked girl on a poster? A naked girl in real life! I automatically assume that any guy who has a bunch of posters of chicks in bikinis or thongs is a virgin. Why do you need a constant reminder of what a naked woman looks like unless you’ve never actually seen one? Plus, what would your grandmother think if she walked into your apartment and saw something like that? Strobe Lights, Disco Balls, Fog Machines, Black Lights If I wanted to pretend like I was on ecstasy and go to a rave I would hit up Red Lion, not your apartment. In such a small area, the last thing I need is a bunch of smoke blowing in my face and flashing lights giving me nothing short of a seizure. Also, I’m not down with the black lights; there are some stains that not even the strongest laundry detergents can hide, and I’d rather they not be exposed in public. Beads that Hang over your Door Frame Talk about annoying. Walking through a door is supposed to be one of those activities in life that comes with no surprises. There’s nothing worse than walking into someone’s room and getting a bunch of beads stuck in your hair and poked in your eyes. Not to mention, I’m going to immediately assume that you’re a dirty hippy, even if that wasn’t your intention when you decided to hang beads from your door. I mean, what am I going to see next? A drug-induced orgy? The 70’s have come and gone, my friends. Most of you are probably reading this while glancing up at the decorations in your apartment and feeling bad about yourself. Don’t worry, it’s an honest mistake. Everyone else around you is doing it too, so it’s understandable that you think it’s cool. Just remember that Ty Pennington is rolling around in his perfectly decorated grave right now. Oh, he’s still alive? Well, you know what I mean.

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Football Saturdays! We’re open EARLY before the games Home or away we’re your headquarters! Great specials & MORE!

TUESDAY: FEED ME with POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, JOHN HAN and TIGORILLA

FRIDAY: Happy Hour Food Special $5 Wings & Fries | $3 Porch Steps 15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese $2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans $3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Soco Lime Shots

SATURDAY: Candy Foster & the Shades of Blue! Live at 9:30PM

FRIDAY: Boat Drunks All Request Night! $5/Request, All Proceeds to American Cancer Society! Free Apps Starting at 7PM

WED 10/12

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

PEARL JAM TWENTY Special Documentary Film Screening - 7pm FREE SHOW! 312 VIBE NIGHT (Late Show!)

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers

THURS 10/13

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

RUBBLEBUCKET with STEPDAD

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3 Red Bull & Any Liquor! DJ Ollie DJ D.M. | DJ Ghostface

Sonny Stubble Live at 10:30!

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm Karaoke at 9PM! $1.50 Old Style Pints

FRI 10/14

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

Blitz & Beatz presents NA PALM with AFROBETA and MILK N COOKIES

Happy Hour Food Special $5 Wings & Fries | $3 Porch Steps 15" Long Gourmet Grilled Cheese $2 Bud Light Tallboy 24oz Cans $3 Vegas Bombs | $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Soco Lime Shots

DJ Kosmo Spinning Live! Top 40, Hip-Hop, Mash-Ups, House, and More!

Boat Drunks All Request Night! $5/Request, All Proceeds to American Cancer Society! Free Apps Starting at 7PM

SAT 10/15

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $3 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Hot Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

HERE COME THE MUMMIES

GAMEDAY - Open at 9am Serving Breakfast including $5 Meals including Haystacks Chicken & Waffles & more! $2 MIMOSAS $2 BLOODY MARYS #16 ILLINI vs OSU 2:30pm

Candy Foster & the Shades of Blue! Live at 9:30PM

$3.50 23oz Bud Light & Miller Lite Drafts

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

DJ Belly! $2 Domestic Beers $2 Wells $2 Off All Martinis

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints

SUN 10/16

Closed

** CLOSED **

Open at 11am Check out our New Restaurant "The Porch" Serving Awesome Homemade Food Daily! Soups - Sandwiches - Entrees

MON 10/17

$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! featuring Sonny Stubble $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Bucket Monday! Miami vs. NY Jets 7pm $8 Buckets of Domestic Bottles $4 Cruzan Rum Buckets $2 Pinnacle Whipped Vodka $2 Cruzan Rum Drinks

TUES 10/18

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/Miller Coors $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

FEED ME with POSITIVE VIBR8IONS, JOHN HAN and TIGORILLA

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

Beer Garden Bags League at 6pm $1.50 Old Style Pints $2.00 Margaritas $2 for 2 Tacos

WED 10/19

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY featuring ABBY SOBH, TrOLL, DANNY GROOVES and WHITE RABBIT! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

Free Pool $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts $4 Domestic Pitchers


Don’t Worry, We Don’t Bite!

We’re pet friendly, so go on and bring Charlie. No guarantees he won’t lick, though.

Oh, we’re just getting started. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club

Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. Pet Friendly. Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street SATURDAY: GAMEDAY-Open at 9am Serving Firehaus Breakfast $2 BLOODY MARY'S $2 MIMOSAS Ohio St. vs #16 ILLINI 2:30pm Blackhawks vs Bruins 7pm

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Bombs OPEN MICJager Night $3 Islands $2.50Strong Corona $4 Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager Bombs $4 ICB's $3 Strong Islands

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

Thursday Every girl's favorite beer $2 Blue Moons & $2 Woodchucks

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

$3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes...Come get sloppy

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Absolut Citron $3 Any Draft

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Blue Moons $2 Woodchucks $4 Loaded Chuck's 5 words... Lingerie Football League Fantasy Football Game at 9PM on the big screen in dance bar

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

THURSDAY: $3 Sweet Tea Vodka Special Night $3 Absolut Citron Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. $3 Any Draft Free pool during happy hour!!! 6-8 Daily

WED 10/12

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE! Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Win a Camera Tonight! Cardinals vs Brewers 7pm $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

THURS 10/13

$2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Svedka Vodka $2 Jim Beam $6 Natty Light Bottle Buckets (5) $2.50 SoCo Lime Shots Cardinals vs Brewers 7pm

FRI 10/14

$5 Bud Light 40's $3.99 Haus Fries $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jameson Whiskey Cards vs Brewers 7PM

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

SAT 10/15

GAMEDAY-Open at 9am Serving Firehaus Breakfast $2 BLOODY MARY'S $2 MIMOSAS Ohio St. vs #16 ILLINI 2:30pm Blackhawks vs Bruins 7pm

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Chris Webby Concert w/ S-Preme, JAMS, Dave Coresh $15 Tix, 9PM

Have an October Birthday? Have your party at Joe's for free! Call 217-384-1790

SUN 10/16

BEARS vs VIKINGS 7pm Sunday Night Football $2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Win a Pair of Hawks Tickets! $3.99 for 10 Firehaus Wings

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Open at 11am for Lunch Bears v. Vikes at 7pm Win a trip to Vegas

MON 10/17

Miami vs. NY Jets 7pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Hydrants of Natty Light $1 Silver Tequila Shots Win 1 of 2 Payton Jerseys! 1/2 Priced Appetizers 4pm-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

1/2 price Sandwiches Monday Night Joe's Josh Siroko Live in Person

TUES 10/18

35 E. Green Street

TURTLE RACES Win Big Prizes Every Week $2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

DJ A-RON $1 Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jello Shots $2 Tequila Shots

WED 10/19

SPECIAL NIGHT

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3

217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE! Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Win a Blu Ray Player $2 Bud Refills | $3 312 Refills $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$6 Late Night Food Specials

Wednesday

$4 ICB’s


Free Late-Night Shuttle? We Got That, Too. FREE WEEKEND SHUTTLE FROM 10:30PM-2:30AM TO DOWNTOWN AND CAMPUSTOWN

WE’VE GOT WHAT YOU NEED! • Resort-Style Pool • Free Tanning Beds • Fitness Center • Washer/Dryer

• Individual Bathrooms • Pet Friendly • On-site maintenance

2001 Moreland Blvd | (217) 344-8800 | uvchampaign.com

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

SPECIAL NIGHT

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 10/12

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The ABSOLUT Party Illini Pregame! $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu No cover

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

$1 FATTY NATTY'S! 12oz Natty Light Bottles! $3 Vegas Bombs $3 Svedka Vodka $3 Jim Beam Whiskey

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

ILLINOIS VS. OSU $4 Blue Guys $3 22oz Lite Drafts Open at 7AM

$2 Coors Light $4 Double Whiskey $4 Double Bacardi Drinks No cover

$5.50 Mushroom MEGA Cheeseburger with Fresh Cut Fries $2.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pints $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $7.00 Killians and Leinenkugel Pitchers $4.50 Jim Beam, Bacardi, & Malibu Dbl $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

#16 ILLINI vs OSU at 2:30pm Watch the Game Here! Beer Garden is Open! Live DJ Saturday Night!

Open at 11AM $3 U Call It NO COVER!

Book Your Next Party or Event at The Red Lion! Contact our Party Planner at CochraneParty@Gmail.com or 217-722-9000

Come in and find out what's going on! Maybe the Bears are playing...

SUN 10/16

TUESDAY! DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

SAT 10/15

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

FRI 10/14

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

THURS 10/13

MON: Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

TUES: COUNTRY NIGHT Mechanical Bull! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

$1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

Celebrity DJ Party Monday Night Football $1 Bottles, $3 Pitchers GRAB-A-FATTY $1 Wells, $2 Bottles $2 Energy Drinks

Beer Lovers Night $2 Domestic Bottles and Drafts $2.50 Specialty Bottles and Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 10/17

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

COUNTRY NIGHT Mechanical Bull! $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

TUES 10/18

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Frattle of the Bands! WPGU Live - $1000 Prize! $1.50 Bud You Call Its Drafts & Bottles $2.50 Bacardi $3.50 Vodka & Bam

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 10/19


Two shuttles to U of I campus, including late-n

ight weekend serv ice

• 1, 2, 3 & 4 bedroom apartments and townhomes. • Individual bathrooms in all bedrooms. • Resort style swimming pool.

and that’s not all!

• Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking. • Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!


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Bartenders of the

Week

Peter Brierton red lion

Major: Political Science Relationship Status: Taken Have you ever considered hooking up with your cousin? Only at family parties. What is the creepiest thing a customer has said to you while bartending? What color is your underwear? Who is your celebrity look alike? Samuel L. Jackson Favorite movie quote? “Enough is enough, I’ve had it with these mothafuckin’ snakes on this mothafuckin’ plane.” Who would win in a fight, Ron Zook or Bruce Weber? The Illinois Athletic Department What is the best drink you have ever made? Slippery Nipple If you could go down on anyone, who would it be? Rachel Bilson... look me up. What’s your shoe size? 11.5 Does it correlate? Doesn’t do it justice. What cartoon character would you bone? Wilma Flinstone, chick’s a freak. Funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? Asian kids doing body shots off their guy friends. Bang, marry, kill: Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton, Michelle Obama Bang Palin, Kill Michelle & Hillary, Marry Monica Lewinski

Josh Martin Firehaus

Major: Psychology Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle If you had a time machine, what would you do? The question is not what I’d do, but who I’d do. Blondes or Brunettes? Blondes, because they’re dumber. Quickest way to piss you off on the job? By being named Luc Bumba What is your favorite pregaming activity? Emile Reece, in the manager’s office. What are you thoughts on cannibalism? Depends on who I’m eating out. Describe yourself in three words. Power, courage, wisdom Craziest place you’ve ever hooked up? 50-yard line of Memorial Stadium. If you could rename yourself what would you pick? Travis Michaels Favorite part of bartending? Fucking chicks. In a horror movie, who are you sleeping with when you’re killed? Michelle Meder If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be? Banging Chinese hookers with Dylan Rakestraw.

recipe for disaster:

drinking game:

Kill Man

Snickers Toast

Having a tarp on hand might be helpful for this game, but there won’t be any need to dispose of evidence, unless something goes horribly wrong, no one dies in this game.

Sure, there’s probably something open at this hour that’ll have a magical aisle full of potent, sugar-laden treats. It’s a block away though, and it’s stupid to walk that far.

What You Need: Some beers and some bros. Number of Players: At least three, but not more than five hundred. Intoxication Level: Not quite “alcohol poisoning” dead.

What You’ll Need: Bread, Nutella, crunchy peanut butter. Cook Time: There’s not really any cooking involved. Fatty Factor: Not great, but it could seriously be worse.

How to Play: -Before each round begins, make sure each player has a beer can. -The game begins with all players opening their beer can at the same time. -All players begin chugging their beer. The first person to finish their beer becomes the “Kill Man.” -Each player opens a new beer, players are not allowed to drink these beers. -At this point, the Kill Man can point to any player at any time, making them drink any amount of beer. -Whichever player finishes their beer first (per Kill Man orders) becomes the Kill Man for the next round.

Let’s Get Baked: -Um, get out all of the ingredients. -Apply the crunchy peanut butter to the bread. -Do the same thing with the Nutella. -You’re done here, unless… -Let’s get freaky with it. Do you want a Snickers ice cream sandwich? Slap some ice cream on that bitch. -Want a Snickers Almond? Chop up some almonds and put them on that bread. -Oh man, enjoy.

The Game Ends When: Someone decides to be a buzzkill, man.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Sometimes you just gotta enjoy the simple things in life. Nothing big here, unless you’re big on flavor. Am I right?


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Review

17

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

Pinnacle Cotton Candy Grade: B+ Noooooo – we are NOT getting blackmailed by the respectful and beautiful company that is Pinnacle to review all of their delicious and delectable flavors of vodka. In fact The Black Sheep find ourselves lucky and honored to even be able to have just a suckle of these nectars provided to us by the Pinnacle gods. History Back in 1988 French creator of Pinnacle Vodka, Pierre Guillermo, was attacked by killer klowns from outer space. The pathological clowns set out on their dastardly deed of turning everything in sight into giant globs of cotton candy! Pierre Guillermo, being the savvy business and heroic man he is, saw that the only way to defeat these killer klowns from outer space was to distill employees who had been turned into globs of cotton candy and force the killer klowns from outer space to drink the subsequent vodka. The killer klowns from outer space became so drunk they turned themselves into cotton candy and Guillermo stored them all in his vacuum-sealed chambers, to be distilled into the very cotton candy-flavored vodka we drink today.

THE MIXER CENtER A-: Sprite B+: Chased with actual cotton candy C: Lemonade

Typical Drinkers Everyone in The Black Sheep, because anything Pinnacle is just the best ever! Killer klowns from outer space, every child in France, aliens, girls who are trying to look cute and eat sexy things, fat girls, Amanda Nieman, acrobats who’ve always held a grudge against regular circus clowns, and ring leader’s cousins on both sides of the family. User Comments “Why, this stuff sure is scrumptious!” “I’m afraid of clowns, but this stuff is yummy nummy – honka, honka.” “Reminds me of drinking with carnies!" Conclusion Someone please, we’ve been drinking nothing but Pinnacle for the past four months. They’ve uncovered some evidence that would be devastating to some current (not at all related to producing child pornography) court hearings we’re going through, and we’ve no choice but to drink their alcohol week after week. If anyone has any photographs of any Pinnacle employees with any transvestite hookers, we’d be much obliged! Email them to us at freetheblacksheep@theblacksheep.com.

C+: Pink Lemonade D-: With battery acid F: FUCK the killer klowns from outer space are back!


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Best Ways to Piss a Guy Off at the Bars 10. Punching a boy in his goodies Have you ever seen a guy tell a girl that she is a, “Sassy bitch,” and then seen that same girl punch him in the dick? I have. To be honest this is mostly his fault for being so blunt and rude, but it is surely an unexpected and total drunk girl move. Moral of the story? Don’t introduce your brother from ISU to your sorority sisters. 9. Stalking There’s always the girl that somehow is at the right place at the right time and gets that one extra banana shot from someone else’s group. Beware. If she sticks around all night, she might think that you got that shot specifically for her. She might then think that you’re going to the bathroom so that she can follow you in the stall. Then she might think that you’re running out of the bar not because she just cut off a sample of your hair, but because you want to massage her in hot oil.

Fall Frativities: A Bro’s Guide to Seasonal Significant Others

Lenz wrote this

Fall is a different time of year for your average fraternity brother. Instead of living life trying to get jacked, tan and laid, fall bros have to worry about exams, classes, and toning down the thug life in preparation for Thanksgiving break with grandma. It’s a confusing transition for some, as their, “Hey look I’m back at school betches!” awesomeness dulls down and the harsh reality sets in: Unlike their carefree summer counterparts, fall sisters are looking to lock down boyfriends, not jaws. Smart bros will realize the perks of stability and consistency in the love department. So what’s the golden ticket to finding something more (AKA consistent sex for the semester)? Fall Frativities: Activities to lure in a seasonal significant other. Frativity: Library Dates Desired Status: “We’re talking” Sober hangouts are the first step to going from acquaintance to overt flirt. Libraries are a great alibi because you can both play it off like your motive is to do homework. It’s a great time to judge if you really want to take it to the next level or keep this honey for The Red Lion. Plus, with everyone on the grind with school, no one really questions it. Smart bros do this because they realize the key to a girl’s heart (and vagina) is through signaling intelligence and normality via library dates. Frativity: Modern Family marathons Desired Status: “We’re hooking up” Fall weather makes hoodies and couch parties extremely appealing. A great form of flattery, sisters love when bros ask them over to watch some television, especially when it’s a show that involves comedy with undertones of marriage (hint, hint). As an added bonus, snuggling makes a girl’s heart warm and a boy’s manhood happy as it brings

them real close to the prize. Overall, it’s a win-win. A bro that has game knows that putting in some sober snuggle time is the easiest way to being worshipped in the form of indirectly-dedicated tweets. Frativity: Hot Cocoa dates Desired Status: “We’re together” Oh la la, so lust and cute. If there are two things in life that women love, it’s chocolate and things that are hot. Hot chocolate dates are clutch because they’re casual enough for you to still make an easy exit and drop it like it’s hot if things get weird. But if things go as planned, this frativity works like magic to mask the inner bro under a new, “Sweetheart gentleman,” cloak. Suave bros are great at this one, and reap many benefits in the form of lovely lady lumps. Frativity: Curtis Apple Orchard Desired status: “We’re dating” There is no better way to weasel your way to a lady’s heart then taking her to the Disney World of Champaign, Curtis Apple Orchard. Here, you can pick vegetables such as pumpkins, pose for potential new default pictures, and people watch families with small children. While you’re feeding your chub with the freshly made fudge and treats, your girl will be eating this up (the experience I mean, and okay yeah, maybe food depending on if she’s already decided she can let herself go). It’s definitely a game changer in relationship status; meeting the parents is next so be wise here when fratting with this fire. Whichever frativity you incorporate into your bro-dawg agenda, be prepared for what lies ahead. Enjoy the beginning stages of lust, and start rehearsing your best Kip line: “I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious,” with your Illini Lafawnduh.

8. Passing back your drinks When you buy a girl a drink at a bar, it’s a pretty big deal. Most guys aren’t made of money, which is why you want to punch that girl in the throat who just took that drink you bought her and gave it to her friend. Usually the friend looks like Sloth coming out of the basemen prison in The Goonies. You’re not trying to get that whale shark drunk; you’re trying to harpoon her. 7. Puking This is the girl who can’t handle herself in normal date situations and ends up puking in a spinny-top trashcan and get’s thrown out of the bar. It sucks to have to babysit a drunk girl, especially if she’s puking all over your pants on the cab ride home. 6. Begging for attention “Look at me! Why aren’t you dancing with me? Who’s that girl? Are you going to buy me a drink? I think I like beer now. Why don’t you want me to come over later? Want to meet my friends? Want to talk to my mom on the phone? Want to join my RSO? I LOVE YOU!” Can you say repulsive? 5. drinking and dipping (out) It’s the worst when, after you buy a girl a round of shots, spit some mad game, and take your shots while looking deeply into each others eyes, she disappears. Chances are that home-girl has a boyfriend on the hockey team and just left her booth to go to the bathroom when you called her over. She wasn’t giving you sexy eyes; she was probably just hammered 4. Jersey Chasin' Every group of friends has at least one jersey chaser. This girl can spot an athlete from a mile away. This girl usually doesn’t get approached by the men of normal stature at bars because she is too busy following 6’8” all-stars around like a puppy. 3. Fishing for compliments “Oh my God, this shirt makes me look so flumpy.” What the hell is flumpy anyways? Girls, quit trying to get a guy to tell you that you look sexy by bringing yourself down. That’s his game plan. 2. kissing everyone She’s just a drunk floozy; don’t be too offended. Being Eskimo brothers can be fun, but not when you’re trying to get it in for the night. No man should ever be forced into a devil’s three-way. 1. super teasing After a whole night of buying a girl drinks, grinding your cock up against her back, and making out against the wall, you probably feel pretty confident that she’ll wakeup in your bunk bed with you the next day. Sometimes, however, this girl walks away for a second to find her friend and the never comes back. Maybe when guys figure out how creepy they are stuff like this won’t be so surprising.

Gracenectar wrote this


19

continued from cover story... 5. Tightrope Walkers on The Quad Guild #77 requests a pass from all classes, free food for their dog twice daily, and a pound of Granddaddy Purple Kush to be to delivered monthly. 6. Instead of growing corn, the Morrow Plots should instead be an experimental field for Twizzler growth. 7. Free lanyards for all! 8. The University needs to stop claiming that The Black Sheep promotes binge drinking. That is unfair political propaganda. 9. Free alcohol for all underage students! The more you drink, the better you feel! Unless these demands are met, we will never end our fight. There are enough weird charities selling slices of Papa John’s on the quad to sustain our entire student population for weeks, even months. The best part is there is nothing the University can do to stop us. We already know from all of the crime alerts that the Champaign Police Department is more or less completely inept in stopping crime, and if they resort to stun guns and pepper spray we can always throw some hippy slackliners at them to take the butt of the abuse. And let’s not forget the support we will get from our LARPing friends. If a police officer even dared cross one of those guys they would get a rubber war-hammer to the face faster than you can say, “Gimli son of Gloin.” With Odin on our side, we will protest until Ragnarok cometh to Illinois! The next step is to get some representation from the press. I would hand the job over to the Daily

Illini, but they couldn’t report a forest fire, let alone a youth movement. No, we are going to need to get some big guns in on this. I’m talking CNN, NBC, and the ever supportive of left wing youths, FOX News. But, how do you get popular news sources to pay attention to U of I (Well, besides supporting racist mascots and giving tuition breaks to politically well-connected undergrads)? The answer, my friends, is celebrities. Occupy Wall Street flaunts such celebrity supporters as Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, and a few other big name A-listers which no young people really care about. Videos have even leaked of Jeff Mangum of Neutral Milk Hotel fame performing for the protestors in New York. If you are at least a little hipster, you know who that is, and if you don’t know who that is and you hate hipsters, well; this is the guy to blame for their existence. The point is, when you get celebrities to care, that’s when you get the TV cameras to care. For Occupy the Quad I hoped to get the attention of celebrities who exude revolution. People like Bob Dylan and Bono. I haven’t been able to get any of them to come, but I did get Matt Dillon and Bjork, which is a start. The time is now. Get off your couches, stop doing homework, and for the love of God, stop attending classes. Times are tough, yes. But when times are tough for 99% of the population while the remaining 1% prosper, that is when a revolution occurs.

"Interracial dating only happens at U of I!"

? b i r c w e n a d e e N Horror Film Month! October is

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20

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

50/50 benson saw this and gave it a...

Director:

Jonathan Levine

Paranormal Activity 3 Oct. 21 Starring: Katie Featherston What you need to know: Katie Featherson plays a mother living in a haunted house with her family. In an attempt to logically explain the eerie happenings around the house, she puts video cameras all over the house to monitor what happens at night. This reveals their kids doing creepy things—such as jumping off the banister only to climb back up the stairs and talking to an “imaginary” friend. Horror ensues. What we think: I mean, if you liked Paranormal 1 and 2 then you would probably like this one as well. After all, it does seem to have the exact same creepy plot as the past two films...and was probably shot at the same time...

The Rum Diary

Oct. 21

Starring: Johnny Depp, Amber Heard What you need to know: Paul Kemp is a journalist who’s sick of his chaotic lifestyle in New York City, so he moves to 'chill' Puerto Rico to work for the local paper. Once there, Kemp goes absolutely nuts— ingesting any type of liquor he can get his hands on and becoming obsessed with a corrupt American entrepreneur’s fiancé. When said entrepreneur recruits Kemp to write an article portraying him in a good light, Kemp needs to make the choice between helping him continue with his illegitimate business or destroying him. What we think: This movie is the brainchild of the one and only Hunter S. Thompson and has Johnny Depp in it, so you know it must be wild.

A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas

Starring:

Joseph Gordon Levitt, Seth Rogen

Synopsis:

50% + 50% = 100%, which is the amount of this movie that was awesome! The following is a list of movies which have choked me up: My Dog Skip, The Lion King, The Fox and The Hound, 50/50. I say this with absolutely no shame. In fact, I dare any one of you to go out and see the movie 50/50 and see if you can’t help weeping like a 13-year-old girl. You could be the most hardened criminal with a mustache of beef jerky and nerves of cold iron and 50/50 will still reduce you to a sniveling pile of raw, feminine humanity. But the best part? 50/50 is also hysterical. 50/50 follows the life of Adam Lerner (Levitt), a public radio worker who, after consulting a doctor about his mysterious back pains, learns that he has Neurofibroma Sarcoma Schwannoma, a rare type of cancer which carries a 50% survival rate. Adam’s friend, Kyle (Rogen), sticks by Adam’s side every step of the way. Throughout Adam’s chemotherapy, nervous breakdowns, and afternoon medicinal marijuana bong loads, Kyle remains at Adam’s side, providing support, advice, and the core of the comedic value in the film. Also in the film is Anna Kendrick playing the role of Dr. Katie McKay, Adam’s attractive, young therapist, Bryce Howard as Rachael, Adam’s girlfriend, and Anjelica Huston as Diane, Adam’s mother.

on DVD Nov. 4

Starring: Kal Penn, John Cho What You Need to Know: Due to some freak accident, Harold and Kumar manage to shoot Santa Claus in the face, and thus, discover that he is in fact real. Then, as per the first two Harold and Kumar movies, our favorite stoned, drunk partiers go on an assload of hilarious, nonsensical adventures, and even meet up with Neil Patrick Harris along the way. What We Think: What do you think we think? It's the must-see movie of the year! No, but real, has the combination of Harold, Kumar, and NPH ever let you down? We didn't think so...

A+

As Adam undergoes the painstaking chemotherapy process, he learns what is really important in life, who your real friends are, and the importance of respecting yourself and your dignity. Based on the commercials for this movie, I assumed it was just another outrageous Seth Rogen comedy. And while Seth Rogen does provide a great amount of comic relief and the film’s script is very clever and well written, ultimately this is a movie about a man who has cancer. I was surprised at how heavy this film actually got at moments. I was never a big fan of Funny People, another film starring Seth Rogen about a man who is burdened with a life-threatening disease, and was not expecting 50/50 to be any different. I really liked the idea of having a movie about serious subject matter be treated as a comedy, without losing an effect of the drama, but I felt that Funny People tried too hard to be a serious drama, as if the filmmakers wrote a comedy and then threw the drama in after the fact. 50/50 is different in that there is really nothing funny about it. It is as morose of a subject matter as can be. However, the comedy appears not in ridiculous plot twists or whacky scenarios, but in the charm, wit, and chops of the actors.

While any film which deals with the subject of mortality is guaranteed to deliver a theme of, “Stop and smell the roses every once in a while,” 50/50 avoids the obvious message and instead shoots for deeper lessons. It remains very mature and realistic, this is no Bucket List. Instead of being a movie that inspires feelings of how great life is and how lucky we are to be alive, 50/50 is about the fact that life sucks sometimes. We get dumped, we are all depressed, we all die. However, the one shining light in our lives are the friends who are there to give us company and support us. Of any other theme, 50/50 is a movie about the importance of friendship. There is really nothing bad I can say about this movie. It is near perfect. Brilliantly acted, emotional beyond imagination, and touching. There are scenes which made me laugh harder than a great comedy, and scenes which made me choke up more than the most emotional drama. In a film climate filled with re-makes and super epic extreme computer generated super hero movies, 50/50 is a well made, greatly acted, and powerful film with a lot of genuine heart.

it's all in the numbers

answers are a few from here

october 11: Green Lantern Horrible Bosses Tree of Life The Zookeeper Workaholics: Season 1 october 18: Pirates/Caribbean: On Stranger Tide Pearl Jam Twenty Bad Teacher Red State

Joseph Gordon-Levitt also starred in this late 90s comedy with numbers in the title...

The world got to see Naomi Watts boobs in this movie centered on multiple lives crossing paths...

This 1986 erotic thrilled starred Mickey Rourke giving it to Kim Basinger...a lot...

Edward Norton doesn't make bad movies, and this one is no exception...


21

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the interview

John Linnell of They Might Be Giants

John Linnell is the vocalist/multi-instrumentalist half of Brooklyn-based They Might Be Giants. He has two more Grammys than you have and enjoys bagels. The Black Sheep: Your new album, Join Us, dropped a few months ago, but the album before that, Here Comes Science, was a children’s album. How do you transition from writing music for children to writing music for adults? John Linnell: Well, it’s not as drastic as you might think. We weren’t trying to distance ourselves from the kids project or anything, because the kids music wasn’t really kids music, it’s our music our way, it’s just stuff kids can listen to. TBS: How much consideration—regarding subject matter—do you give a song intended for children, as opposed to songs written for adults? John: Our last three albums were all themed, so really it’s been explicitly spelled out what we’re doing, whether it’s songs about numbers or science. In that sense, yeah, and it makes it a little easier, you know what you’re saying, but you just have to find a way to say it. TBS: On Join Us you don’t have a song over three minutes long. Is that a conscious decision? John: We just naturally drift towards short songs, so we write them. There’s no specific minute we shoot for, it’s just what we end up with.

CD REVIEW

TBS: Over your long career how have you seen your sound change? John: We haven’t really charted it or conceptualized our music, we tend to just write a bunch of songs and publish the ones that work best together on an album. Over time the kind of material we do has changed, we’re trying not to repeat ourselves, and we’re trying to find something new to say each time. We’ve been around for a ridiculously long time, so to not change would be odd. We occasionally have ideas like, “Let’s come up with something we can play as a 3-piece at a radio station,” but we’ve always had a range that we like to work in.

Out Now

Ryan adams Ashes & Fire

Lucky number 13 doesn't crash & burn At first glance, it’d be easy to take the new Ryan Adams album, Ashes & Fire, and say, “Wow, this is so boring and so slow; what happened to the Ryan Adams from Rock N Roll? And if he’s going to be slow, why can’t it be like the Ryan Adams of 29?” It’s too easy to be critical of him for when he’s not absolutely perfect, because he’s done such amazing music in the past. But with the death of The Cardinals bassist and the subsequent disbandment of the band, it’s no wonder his latest album has been quoted as, “a study in musical minimalism.” Translation: less is more, and Adams shows us that perfectly. After all, this is Ryan Adams thirteenth studio album, so it’s not like this 30-something doesn’t know what he’s doing. Even the title of the album is something interesting to ponder, preferably stoned and with other Ryan Adams’ enthusiasts; don’t ashes normally come after a fire? What does the reverse symbolize? Someone, discuss with me! But no matter what the title signifies, I personally think that Adams no longer making music with The Cardinals is a blessing in disguise. By himself, Adams is much more in control of the music and The Cardinals added a bit too much of that southern honky-tonk that I just can’t fucking stand. While this album is definitely very slow, very soft and very emotional, it’s great music. Sure, it’s not something you’d want

UPCOMING RELEASES

B

to listen to everyday, but would you want to watch The Shawshank Redemption everyday? No, but you can’t deny that it’s a great movie. This album holds its own with the music, but it’s the lyrics and themes that really take this album to a new level. The album starts off slower than the rest, and it starts to pick up midway through with “Chains of Love,” which alludes to a positive feeling of being tied to love, an awesome metaphor that show that being attached at the hip with someone you love isn’t such a bad thing. In the song “Lucky Now,” Adams sings about growing up and forgetting his past (aw, old people), but apparently still feeling lucky and okay about it; “I don’t remember / were we wild and young / all that faded into memory.” The next song, “I Love You But I Don’t Know What to Say,” ends the album on a really soft, really honest note that you can’t help but appreciate. While Ryan Adams has taken many steps away from the upbeat, high energy rock and roll of his past, he shows us that growing up isn’t so bad. He’s just using his indoor voice more often, with fewer heavy guitar solos. But what did we learn today? That’s right, less is more. Now, shhh. Sounds Like: Sappy, sappy, sappy, but wonderful. Download: Chains of Love, Invisible Riverside, Lucky Now Listen to it When: You’re making out in the rain.

>>>

Noel Gallagher: High Flying Birds Chris Isaak: Beyond the Sun Jane's Addiction: The Great Escape Artist M83: Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

Puscifer: Conditions Of My Parole Drake: Take Care Michael Buble: Christmas Toby Keith: Clancy's Tavern

TBS: Do you ever marvel at the idea that you have people who are four and people who are sixty that probably listen to, and enjoy, your music equally? John: There’s only been one There Might Be Giants, so we don’t really have anything to compare it to. Looking at other bands, I think we’re really lucky to be able to attract new fans and not alienate old ones. We’re not a band that has an enormous fanbase—we have fans that are loyal and dedicated— so we get this interesting range of people. TBS: Since you’ve been around the music block a few times, what’s the biggest change you’ve seen in the music industry the past 20 years? John: I think it’s probably obvious, but the collapse of the record industry. So, uh, that was weird. It’s affected us materially, because we can't support ourselves just making albums anymore. Now we have to do a lot of other stuff to keep the boat afloat. We’re behaving as though it’s still cool to be in a band. There’s plenty of opportunities for young musicians to be in a band, but it’s not as good a business opportunity as it once was. TBS: How has touring changed for you now, then? John: When we started we were in vans, driving around and crashing on couches. We moved up to cheap motels, and by our third album it’s been the same, more or less. Now we’re on a bus with small bunks with a cappuccino machine. TBS: What do you do with your Grammys? John: Oh man, I hate to even say this, but I can’t find one and the other one is sitting on a bookshelf in my house. I mean, what do you do with it? TBS: I don’t know, I don’t have one. What’s your perfect sandwich? John: I like that one! I like a roast beef and cream cheese sandwich on a salt bagel. The salt bagel just has huge chunks of rock salt, it’s like you’re afraid it’s going to snow on your bagel.

Brendan Bonham wrote this


honeymoon:

weird addiction:

Chuy (Chelsea Lately) Zombie Chris Farley Fat Joe Justin Beiber

Mother-in-Law’s Trailer Gwinn, Michigan Seaside Heights, New Jersey Disney World

Cinnabon Laxatives The Maury Show White Zinfandel

maid of honor:

career:

life in 5 years:

Lil Mama Megan McCully Martin Lawrence in a Fat Suit Rosie O’Donnell

Professional Hoarder K-Mart Employee Groupon Data Entry Door Man

No chance of parole Sex Offenders List 8 kids and a dead-end job Plus-sized modeling

wedding entree:

transportation:

pet:

Amigo Grappling Hook Greyhound Bus Teal AstroVan

12 Ducks 3-Legged Dog Rosanne Barr Whatever You Catch, You Keep

KFC Double Downs Deep Fried Oreos Magic Mushrooms Pixie Stix

BEST MAN: ______________MAID OF HONOR: ______________ WEDDING ENTREE:______________

Answers

best man:

( class time ) Movie Quiz

Circle one option in each category and unlock the mystery to your ideal (or not so ideal) future life.

1. 10 Things I Hate About You 2. 21 Grams 3. 9 1/2 Weeks 4. 25th Hour

MASH

tally box

HONEYMOON: ______________ CAREER: ______________ TRANSPORTATION: ______________ LIVE IN 5 YEARS: ______________ PET: ______________

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Illinois - 10/12/11 - v19i09