Georgia - 4/11/12 - v02i04

The Black Sheep

Fre fin e...li d u ke s d ko uri oz ng ies th fr e S om pri us ng if Ga yo me u !

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UGA

Volume 2, Issue 4 4/12/12 - 5/02/12

An Open Letter From Pollen Cutler Sheridan wrote this

To whom it may concern, Hey guys, Pollen here. I just wanted to drop by and clear some things up that have been bothering me, because my doctor says if I let things build up it raises my blood pressure.

First off, all you guys who hate me just for existing: Screw you. I didn’t ask to be born into this world with the sole purpose of acting as plant jizz, but here I am. Do you think it’s entirely my fault you guys get generally shitty whenever I’m around? It’s not. Stop blaming your problems on me and start bitching about your terrible immune system.

He’s the one who’s too much of a dumbass to realize I’m not a damn virus. Why should he get a free pass? “But pollen, he protects me from other diseases. I don’t want to make him mad!” I don’t give a shit. It’s his fault, so blame him if you have to blame someone.

Also, you think I like it when I get sucked up your disgusting noses? God, I’d rather kill myself. And, usually, that’s what those who suffer that fate end up doing. Seriously, take a shower or something. You’re gross. That’s always been true, but I cut you some slack way back when you all thought pollen was intrinsically linked with Satan. Now I just hate you, and you’re disgusting.

Oh yeah, bees are fun. But really they’re not, because bees scare the shit out of me, and you couldn’t care less. I mean, I get that you don’t like when I come around—you get sick. It’s not my fault, but I get that. But maybe you could be a little more sympathetic to my situation? Bees look like flying ants to you since you’re so big. To me they look like flying buildings that are death incarnate. When they come there’s nothing I can do to stop them from taking me to the nearest plant vagina. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the destination, but it is so far from being worth the ride. I mean, picture yourself being taken to the nearest loose woman. You don’t mind that, right? Oh wait, but to get there you have to ride on the back of a spider the size of your house that’s walking across a tightrope taller than a skyscraper being suspended by... giant bees, I guess. And if the spider falls you’ll land in a pit of snakes that are all on fire. What? That doesn’t sound so amazing? Yeah, I realize that, thanks. And you have to go no matter what.

“I love bees! It’s so much fun getting stung by them.” -No one ever

“You’re married? Too bad, I could kill you with a step so don’t you dare talk back to me.”

-A bee

We really don’t appreciate the bad rep we’ve gotten, and maybe we wouldn’t be so bitter if we deserved it, but we don’t, so next time you’re in the throes of a sneezing fit yelling to the only god you know that pollen is the bane of your existence, shut up. Or at least, stop yelling, I guess you can’t help it if you’re sneezing.

“I woke you up? Cool, I don’t give a shit.” -Another bee

-Pollen

Other stuff

Inside

The Rules of Ramsey

We see you staring, and no, we don’t feel sexy on stationary bike. Cut it out.

Or things people do that just generally suck.

Everything you love in Athens, all in 10 blocks. Oh, and big crashes!

see page 5

see page 6

see page 13

First World Problems

Twilight: Way Better Than the Movie

Table of > > > PAGE 4>>>

The Top Ten: Things About Spring

PAGE 4>>

From Broads to Birdies

page 6 >>

From the Streets

page 11 >>

The Black Sheep Interviews: Shongle

page 15 >>

James Cameron Is Lazy

from pools, the braves, twilight, rooftops, formals, and so much more...we’re entering the best part of the year!

contents 4

Either way, we’ll be putting some balls in some holes.

What would you want God to look like? and don’t say morgan freeman, that’s too easy.

we chatted with simon posford, one half of the trippy electronic dj duo.

Seriously, what’s he done for us lately?

15

editorial - sales - pr marketing - distribution weekly and monthly newspapers. daily website. mobile apps. regional and national expansion. campus and city ventures

this is some of the stuff we're working on... how 'bout you?

now hiring spring & summer & fall interns apply online at theblacksheeponline.com or email us at jobs@theblacksheeponline.com

page three

pic of the week >>> the best things in life are free.

the second best are cheap drinks. download our free app for iphone and android spend less. get more. what's not to love?

Search: Black Sheep Mobile

...when charades with the family goes wrong...

Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.

sexy anagrams >>>

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Absduction

Saran Fan I

Harm Enjoy

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

The alarming disappearance of a fat-come-recently-fit person amongst their group of fat loser friends.

Pat’s absduction was swift, after he lost weight he spent much more time in pussy than in the gaming room.

04

THe top ten

Things About Spring 10) Graduation: If you’re graduating you’ve finally realized how soon you will actually leave Athens, so you’ve contracted an amazing case of senioritis. You find yourself at happy hour at Boar’s Head every weekend and partying on Sunday like it’s your job - even though you haven’t found one yet.

9) Formals: Formals are the away games of spring in Athens. They give you a chance to visit a town you’ve never visited and party in bars you might never have to face again, with a bunch of people who learned how to party in Athens.

It’s a winning combination no matter how you look at it, unless you’re looking at it from the point of view of the poor town that’s about to learn what UGA is like.

8) Cali N Tito’s: Let’s face it: eating quesadillas outside in spring weather can’t get any better. Oh wait - it can if you can pack your own cooler to bring with you to one of Athens’ finest establishments. Not only does this place have great Athens flair, it’s also BYOB. Throw in a vast array of outdoor tables for you to eat and drink, you can’t help but be merry.

From Broads to Birdies Ethan Cunningham wrote this A few months ago I drove towards campus on Baxter. While still contemplating reaching into my backseat for the Gushers and SunnyD (alright!) that I had just bought, I drove in silence to mourn a UGA staple and, intrinsically, celebrate its rival’s survival. The Free Market giveth, and the Free Market taketh away. We had lost Chelsea’s. BUT! I had Gushers.

I’ve never been to a strip club gentlemen’s club. In fact, even Toppers has eluded me as a downtown destination. It’d be one thing if we weren’t in Athens, Georgia. Actually, it’d be everything if we weren’t in Athens, Georgia. I vaguely remember an evening outside of Taco Stand after a few margaritas watching one of Toppers’ finest stumble around in five-inch pumps with her cellphone on a lanyard, realizing I’d sooner eat my own eyes than spend an evening throwing my hard-earned nickels at her. I would have to imagine that the “models” that lurk in the dark corners of Fantasy World and what once was Chelsea’s are all pretty much cut from that exact same cloth.

Many states carry “Quarry Reclamation Acts” stating that the used area must be converted to usable space or filled.

Superfund sites receive similar attention. There’s no doubt that the land that once housed Chelsea’s has been very used, though I cannot speculate on how well things have been filled there. Imagining (you know, from movies and things) what it looks like on the inside, I’d have to imagine several of those “VIP” rooms would make great ball pits for a Chuck E Cheese’s (also a magical land full of tricks I’ve never been to), or a contractor could raze that shit and build a miniature golf place. Let’s watch Fantasy World deal with that. If half their clientele can’t come within 100 yards of a minor that should certainly impact something, granted they actually have clientele and the money laundering comment above is totally untrue, even though it definitely is.

The more I consider it, the more a putt-putt place makes sense.

What is their competitive advantage, you ask? Bee Why Oh Bee. The only miniature golf in Georgia where you can get going-to-yoursister’s-high-school-Shakespeareplay wasted, swing as hard as you want at that windmill, and make sure you’ve got enough liquid confidence to face that damn laughing clown at the end of hole 6.

“I vaguely remember an evening watching one of toppers’ finest stumble around in five-inch pumps with her cellphone on a lanyard.”

So now we have a giant hole in the Athens landscape which used to be a giant hole in the Athens landscape filled with giant h — well, you get the point. Because Fantasy World obviously has the superior location (read: money laundering) and “Michael Adam’s School of Hoes” is actually already trademarked, it’s obvious that another strip joint won’t play well there. Neither would an Applebee’s, although the both serve the same nasty shit.

Freshman flocking from the dorms, the proximity to Milledge – it’s too perfect to pass up. Chelsea’s almost had a good idea with amateur night, but nothing trumps amateur golf, especially with tequila. Chelsea’s left a big hole in our hearts and the city of Athens. Let’s fill it with balls.

7) Rooftop Bars: One of Athens’ major selling points on any day of the year is the amazing Georgia Theatre. So when you combine incredible Athens history with beer and grilled cheese sandwiches on the roof, class, which you can see, just looks like the worst place in the world.

6) G-Day: So we lost the SEC championship, badly, and ended our season in early December, only to have to wait for next fall to experience the amazing school spirit that is Georgia football. But wait! April 14th is G-Day, when our football team scrimmages! It fleetingly smells like Bulldog spirit in Athens, if only for a day.

5) Pools: UGA students are experts at partying, and partying by the pool is a springtime must. Pool days can be as big of a deal as any party, and here in Athens that means coolers, beer, vodka, Tervis Tumblers, an iHome playing 80s Pandora stations, and beach volleyball.

4) Terrapin Brewery: Terrapin beer is an Athens staple. If you’ve been enjoying Hopsecutioner since you’ve arrived in this town, your next stop is the brewery where you can try the goodness that is Terrapin all at once.

3) Braves Season: The Braves season opener was on April 13th! This means it’s time to break out your McCann jerseys and Uggla tees and head down to Turner Field. It’s Chipper’s last season- and did I mention Braves date nights? Be sure to take a bus to and from Atlanta so you can pound as many beers as you can. Get ready to Tomahawk Chop, because baseball is here!

2) Spring Party Smorgasbord: Once that Saturday void of home games in the fall feels like it can never be filled again, spring parties begin. Band parties, lawn parties, fraternity parties—the promise of debauchery is endless. It’s a great excuse to wear shorts and day drink...like we need an excuse.

1) Twilight: The annual Twilight bike race in Athens is the number one reason to get excited for spring. This year, it falls on the weekend just before finals. If you’re going home for the summer it means it’s a great way to go out with a bang while really enjoying some true Athens culture- and some true Athens beer. With a whole new way to avoid open container laws, students, teachers, athletes and locals alike can appreciate this great piece of Athens. At worst, you can watch people bike really fast.

UGA staff wrote this

05

www.theblacksheeponline.com

The Rules of Ramsey

Christine Kottis wrote this

For the active student who ventures to the Ramsey Center For Kids Work Out Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, you know that once you scan your hand (unsuccessfully) and enter through one of those finicky turnstiles you’re crossing into another realm. There are no longer boys and girls, but men parading around in cut-off muscle tees and women glistening in a post-workout glory. The gym community is a free-standing one that operates separately from other facets of student life. Like any community, there are unspoken guidelines for interacting with other community members, but unfortunately some individuals are less apt to regard social grace and etiquette. For those who carelessly meander from machine to machine and don’t hesitate to check out your fellow worker-outer, this one’s for you.

At the gym, where males and females co-exist in harmony, chivalry is still alive and well. Men hold doors for girls, allow them to cut in line for the water fountain, and never crowd the ladies on the stretching mats. Girls actually don’t have it half bad at the gym. One thing that is strictly forbidden in this community, however, is for men to hit on women. Let’s be real—girls don’t feel sexy at the gym and they don’t want to feel like eyes are on them when they’re running, doing abs, or stretching out their left hamstring. Men should save their lines for downtown, not for treadmill and mat-chat. If you try to strike up a conversation with me while I’m mid-rep and dripping with sweat, consider yourself rejected. Also, just because a girl’s not facing you doesn’t mean she can’t see you; 80% of the walls

at Ramsey are windows or mirrors...both of which shamefully display ogling reflections.

Now we make our way to the musky male-dense weight room where borderline inappropriate moans can be heard as jacked-up juice heads worthy of The Jersey Shore do their reps and get swoll. The exasperated grunts can be startling, but don’t look!

That’s breaking gym etiquette. Slip-up occasionally and you will be excused, but when looks turn into stares you’re crossing the line, my friend. Staring at the gym is a big no-no. Yes, it’s easy to let your eyes fixate on massive muscles and toned glutes, but you gotta check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.

Phones have recently become a greater cause for concern in the gym community. Men absolutely need to leave the phone outside of weight room doors if they want to get any respect from their fellow brawny dudes; girls just need to keep texting and chatting to a bare minimum. For either sex, talking on the phone for over thirty seconds while working out is shame-worthy. You’re only bothering others with your incessant yakking, so keep it up and you could get shunned from the gym world entirely.

All of these rules of conduct are what keep the gym such a pleasant place to be. Don’t be that guy who hits on girls every chance he gets or that girl who’s pretending to pedal the stationary bike while she texts, it’s just not a good look. Do everyone a solid and follow proper gym etiquette to ensure that all remains balanced and harmonious in the Land of Treadmills.

06

www.theblacksheeponline.com

From 'da Streets What would you want God to look like?

“A combination of a calico cat and Jack White. So pretty much a cat that somehow looks sexy with long, greasy hair.

- Kate F., Freshman

First World Problems

Or Things People Do that just Generally Suck

“I’d want God to look like me, with a Polo shirt and Sperry’s, khaki shorts, and a big smile.”

- Colin D., Freshman

Cutler Sheridan wrote this People do a lot of shitty things. Now I’m not talking about really serious things like genocide or starting wars or liking Nickelback, I’m talking about little things like thinking The Bad Manor is fun or being a vegan. This statement rings true everywhere, but especially at places like UGA, and the reason is pretty obvious—there are no wars at UGA. There’s no terrorist activity, no race riots, no suicide cults, and because of this fact, it’s a lot easier to be bothered by the problems deemed less important by society. But listen to me—they are just as important, and if any of these awful, awful descriptions apply to you, just go ahead and kill yourself.

Use the phrase, “We need to talk”: Never in the history of the world has anything good come from that phrase. The person saying it is trying to be sensitive to your position or respect you by waiting until the two of you are face-to-face to break up with you / fire you / stop paying you to have sex with him, but by issuing this mandate he’s said the most subterfuge-laden words since, “You wanna come back to my place?” By saying this phrase (or a derivative thereof), the speaker is accomplishing literally none of the things he’s trying to accomplish except maybe arranging a time to talk. If you use this phrase over text message, email, whatever, you may as well go ahead and say what you’re gonna say, ‘cause the recipient already knows.

Call more than one time: If you call me and I don’t answer, do not call again. Just don’t do it. It’s one of the most annoying things anyone can ever do, because it accomplishes nothing. The reason it’s awful is simple: There are far fewer times calling multiple times helps than there are times it annoys. The once helpful example I could think of would be if I

don’t hear my phone ring, but that’s rare, because my phone is always on me. But if I’m in class and you call me I’m not gonna answer, so calling again won’t help. If I’m talking to someone else and you call me I’m not gonna answer, so calling again won’t help. If I don’t want to talk to you and you call me I’m not gonna answer, so calling again won’t help. Watching TV, playing a video game, reading a book, listening to music, driving with the windows down, it’s all the same, and it really boils down to this—95% of the time when I don’t answer the phone, it’s intentional, so there’s no reason to keep doing it. Part of that remaining 5% is devoted to not getting to the phone in time, which is rare, but when it does happen, trust that I’ll call you back. So really, the only thing you’re doing by calling me more than once within a fifteen minute span is pissing me off.

Bitch about homework keeping you up late: You were up ‘till 4:30 in the morning working on an English paper, and now you’d rather die than stay up for twenty more minutes. I get that. I’ve been there. So don’t take it personally when I tell you to shut the hell up about it, because I don’t care. It’s your fault you had to stay up that late. You know how I know that?

Because it’s my fault when I have to stay up that late. But you know what doesn’t make it better? Tweeting about it. Facebooking about it. Redditting it (I don’t really know what reddit is for). In fact, doing those things will only make your situation worse, because it will make the people who follow you judge you for being a whiny little bitch.

Do you do any of these things? Still haven’t killed yourself? You always said you wanted to make the world a better place, why not start now?

“Morgan Freeman.”

- Stacey S., Sophomore

Send in your pics to pics@theblacksheeponline or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

S E R U T C PI e u s s I E OF TH

View AND Send Pics from our iPhone & Android App!

YS OPEN SUNDAIGHT N ID TO M D ALCOHOL NOON ING FOOD AN SERV

PM, SAT-SUN: 11AM - 9PM

G ELSE I: 11AM - 10 ASSES, $1 OFF EVERYTHIN HAPPY HOUR! MON-FRDO MESTIC LITERS, $3 WINE GL $2 DOMESTIC BOTTLES, $5

T! IALS ALL DAY AND NIGHBO MBS, BACARDI BOMBS! FROZEN AND BOMB SPEC R GE JA KERS, VEGAS BOMBS, AC ONLY $5: FROZEN BUSHWH TEAD BOMBS LS VO D AN R 3 FOR $10 FAGE

GHT! SMOS WEDNESDAY IS LADIESYNI S, $2 MIMOSAS AND $3 CO IAL EC SP Y DA PP HA + NE $7 BOTTLES OF WI WINGS W/ STUDENT ID! 0 .5 $0 AY SD NE ED -W AY SUND

THURS SPECIAL NIGHT The Grid

Happy Hour Everyday!

‘Til 10 Mon-Fri, ‘Til 9 Sat/Sun $2 Domestic Bottles $5 Domestic Liters $3 Wine Glasses $1 Off Everything Else

Happy Hour - Every Mon - Fri (4pm to 7pm) $1.50 Champagne & Dom. Btls $3.25 House Wines, Wells & Drafts $1 Off Almost Everything Else

Nightly Power Hour (9-11): $1 All Well Drinks

Nightly Power Hour (9-11) $1 Well Drinks $2 Well Shooters

FRIDAY: Martini Specials $3.50 Orange Kiss $4.00 Touch My Peaches $4.50 Paradise & Bomb Pop DJ DECEPTICRON at 10pm

FRIDAY & SATURDAY: $1 Lemon Drops All Night Power Hour 9-11 $2 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks

Trivia Night! $5 Liter Domestics $3 Ice Shots

Ladies Night! $2 Specialty Martinis for Ladies $2.50 Yuengling for Everyone!

Adult Swim! (10pm to 11pm) $2 Wells, Dom. Btls., Wines $2.50 Gran Marnier & Cazadores

Power Hour (9-11): $1 All Wells Book your private events and birthday parties!

Nightly Power Hour (9-11) $1 Well Drinks $2 Well Shooters Book your private events and birthday parties!

$2.50 Craft Beers on Draft $1.50 Champagne

$1 Lemon Drops $3 Well Drinks All Night Long

FRI

Happy Hour: 11am - 10pm $2 Domestic Bottles $5 Domestic Liters $3 Wine Glasses $1 Off Everything Else

Adult Swim! (10pm to 11pm) $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Bottles $2 Wines $2.50 Gran Marnier! $2.50 Cazadores Tequila!!!

Boots & Beer Friday! $2 PBR Tallboys $2 Michelob Ultra Quality Country Music

Nightly Power Hour (9-11) $1 Well Drinks $2 Well Shooters Book your private events and birthday parties!

Martini Specials $3.50 Orange Kiss $4.00 Touch My Peaches $4.50 Paradise & Bomb Pop DJ DECEPTICRON at 10pm

SAT

Happy Hour: 11am - 9pm $2 Domestic Bottles $5 Domestic Liters $3 Wine Glasses $1 Off Everything Else

Adult Swim! (10pm to 11pm) $2 Well Drinks $2 Domestic Bottles $2 Wines $2.50 Gran Marnier! $2.50 Cazadores Tequila!!!

Power Hour (9-11): $1 Wells Book your private events and birthday parties!

Nightly Power Hour (9-11) $1 Well Drinks $2 Well Shooters Book your private events and birthday parties!

Free appetizer with any wine bottle purchase

$1 Lemon Drops All Night Power Hour 9-11 $2 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks

SUN

Open 12pm-12am Industry Night 15% Off All Night

Sunday Funday Gruet Champagne Mimosas 15 Draft Beers All for $3.25 $2.50 Grand Marnier All Day! Sunday Night Trivia at 8PM $50 1st place, $25 2nd place & $15 3rd place prizes

Closed

Closed

Closed

Closed

MON

$4 1 Liter Domestics $3 Calls $3 Craft Bottles

$3.25 Specialty Cocktails $2 Well Martinis Bottomless Spinach Dip

Power Hour (9-11): $1 Wells Industry Night Half Off for Local Business Employees $3 All Sweetwater Beers

Nightly Power Hour (9-11) $1 Well Drinks $2 Well Shooters

$2 Mojitos Martini and Craft Beer Specials All Night

Closed

TUES

Red Stag Karaoke Night! $3.50 Red Stags

2.75 Drafts 10pm - 2am Taco Tuesdays! $1 Pulled Pork Tacos 7pm - 10pm

Power Hour (9-11): $1 Wells All Night: $2 Draft Pitchers $2 Vodka Drinks $5 Bottled Wine

Nightly Power Hour (9-11) $1 Well Drinks $2 Well Shooters All Night: $2 Draft Pitchers $2 Moonshine Masons $2 Moonshine Shots

$2 Mojitos Happy Hour All Day with 1/2 Off Wines Bottles on Our Specials List

Closed

WED

351 EAST CLAYTON ST. • HOURS: MON - SAT: 11AM TO 2 AM, SUNDAY: NOON TO MIDNIGHT • CHECK OUT OUR AMAZING ICE RAIL THAT RUNS THE LENGTH OF THE BAR!

Ladies Night: $7 Bottles of Wine $2 Mimosas, $3 Cosmos Great Specials All Night!

wingin’ it Wednesdays!

10 Wings and a Pitcher of Yuengling, XX, or Heineken Light for only $10! $2.00 Well Drinks from 10pm - 2am

Power Hour (9-11): $1 Wells

Nightly Power Hour (9-11) $1 Well Drinks $2 Well Shooters All Night: $2 Wine Glasses $1 Crystal Light Vodka Drinks

Ladies Night

Closed

All Night: $2 Well Drinks

$1 Lemon Drops All Night Power Hour 9-11 $2 Domestic Beers $2 Well Drinks

Sweeps Season:

With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.

Happy Endings (ABC) In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.

Marry, Bang, Kill Edition

Marry!

The show is full of plausible scenarios executed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby could just get on with his miserable life? That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in

Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say.

“Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic.

To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”

their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hellbend on remaining that way? Zuh? A comedy based in reality, teased out to be funny?

Well, we’ll be damned.

Person of Interest (CBS) Bang!

In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.

Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think.

Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interto take care of his dirty work. est sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new Or, episode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-the-teeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the them without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain universe of alien pedophiles. worthy of some praise.

2 Broke Girls (CBS)

Kill!

There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL! There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring

Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that.

Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!

Up All Night (NBC)

Bang!

But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself.

Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.

Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit.

Seriously, look at the premise of two episodes, and the moral each story:

This was supposed to be a comedy, right?

Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids.

Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!

Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence.

There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horndogs!

uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!

Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.

Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:

That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.

New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…

In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?

Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.

In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!

Marry!

In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!

Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing.

Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t.

The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.

New Girl (FOX)

Kill!

Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than an extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.

a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy.

Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “We think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks,” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “She spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”

One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weak-willed writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.”

The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs

trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “Well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”

the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Shpongle

You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Go online to twistedmusic. com/tours and find out when they’re at a venue near you.

The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music?

Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music.

TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it?

Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live a band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.

cd review

out now

m.ward A Wasteland Companion Predictably great chill tunes, man.

M. Ward is a phenomenal singer, songwriter and guitarist who’s been around for over a decade, consistently performing and releasing music, never faltering on his undeniable raw talent. He’s also one half of She & Him with the adorkable Zooey Deschanel, and one quarter of the incredibly talented 2009 folk collaboration, Monsters of Folk. Not to mention his nearly constant touring and various other collaborations throughout the years, that’s a whole hell of a lot of information about a quiet guy from the west coast.

A Wasteland Companion is M. Ward’s 8th album, a feat for anyone and especially for someone who’s under 40. At this point in his career, it’s assumed and quite blatant that he’s got his shit down. M. Ward knows exactly who he is, what and how he’s going to play his music, and, perhaps most importantly, what his fans like. That’s not to say that he hasn’t grown as an

artist or become more polished, but if you listen to his discography, it’s all pretty damn similar—acoustic folk music with passionate, relatable lyrics that sometimes make you sad and sometimes give you the chills. The majority of his songs hover around 3 minutes, but often times much less with barely enough time to even get a song rolling. With him, it’s not so much about finding one song that stands out (though it’s happened, obviously), but enjoying everything just as it happens to be.

At just under 40-minutes long, A Wasteland Companion is nothing but predictably great M. Ward quintessential folk rock. The first song released was, “The First Time I Ran Away,” a low-key tune with sparse, simple lyrics and subtle guitar—one of the slower and weaker tracks on the album. Some of my favorites, though, are “Me and My Shadow” and “Crawl After You” because they’re two of the

GRADE b

more interesting, stand-out songs on the album. “Crawl After You” is particularly beautiful with a nice piano and violins melodies (and painfully cute lyrics). And, if you listen closely throughout the album, you might just hear Deschanel herself featured in a few of the tracks. Subtly, of course.

It’s a damn shame if you haven’t checked M. Ward out by now because he’s definitely worth a listen. But if you’re going to get this album, you’ve got to check out some of his other stuff (Post-War is a personal favorite) too. That way, if any of his songs get a little too slow, you can just go on to the next one (on to the next one).

Sounds Like: A shy honeybee drinking lemonade on a bench, by himself.

Download: Me and My Shadow, Crawl After You, Primitive Girl Listen to it When: You’re just vibing out, preferably in a hammock or by a lake.

TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images) and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about?

Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd.

TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’

Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect.

TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind?

Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment.

So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain.

TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props?

Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter.

TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level?

Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though!

TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice?

Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.

UPCOMING RELEASES Bonnie Raitt - Slipstream Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine

Alabama Shakes - Boys & Girls Taproot - Episodes

Jason Mraz - Love is a Four Letter Word Train - California 37

Neon Trees - Picture Show Yann Tiersen - Skyline

12

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender of the Issue Chelsie Anglin Copper Creek What is your favorite thing about tending bar?: I can hang out with my friends, get them drunk, and get paid for it all at the same time.

What is your least favorite drink to make?: The Girl Scout Cookie because of all the ingredients we have to put in them. I don’t blame patrons for ordering them because they are damn delicious.

Describe a perfect night at your bar.: One when I’m not the one making the drinks, but drinking them myself.

drinking game:

Drunk Easter Egg Hunt

Do you have a signature drink?: The “Chelsbells.” It’s a mix of vodka, peach schnapps, and orange juice that tastes surprisingly like guava. I started making them for the ladies of Copper Creek who thought we only served beer.

What’s the best thing about being a female bartender?: Particularly at Copper Creek is that the men coming in are sometimes surprised by how much I know about beer and that I actually love beer.

Creepy celebrity crush?: Definitely Will Arnett from Arrested Development. He’s

funny and weirdly attractive.

What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever gotten?: Is your dad a baker? ‘Cuz you sure got nice buns.

What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you on the job?: One time I carded a girl and she used MY id.

Do you have any weird talents?: I can pick my nose with my tongue.

What was your worst fashion mistake?: Definitely bell bottoms... They made my butt look so good though!

recipe for disaster:

Popcorn Puppy Chow

Easter may be over, but you still have a shit ton of those eggs left over. “Why did the Easter egg hide?” Many of you may have once thought it was because, “He was a little chicken.”

Wrong. That Easter egg is hiding because you are about to chuck him at somebody’s car while ridiculously hammered. In response to your desperate cries to get those awful pastel eggs out of your apartments, we offer you this wild egg hunt that will leave you spinning.

We’ve put a spin on the recipe and added popcorn! As if the world’s greatest snack couldn’t get any better, the addition of popcorn to puppy chow is the greatest addition to a classic concoction since whiskey was added to Coke. Popcorn puppy chow also provides another perfect way to take the random crap you call your “groceries” and make them into something actually appetizing.

What You’ll Need: Eggs, markers, and lots of alcohol.

Number of People: As many Jesus-loving folks that you can find.

Level of Intoxication: D.R.U.N.K!

What you’ll need: Popcorn, chocolate, peanut butter, ½ stick of butter, powdered sugar.

Cook Time: 10 minutes.

Fatty Factor: The only thing semi-healthy about this is the popcorn, and even that’s a stretch.

Let’s Get Poppin’: -Pop some popcorn (rule of thumb: Kettle Corn is for bitches).

-Microwave chocolate, peanut butter, and butter until melted. Stir that shit up.

-Ooze your chocolate-peanut-buttery goop all over your popcorn until evenly coated.

-Add powdered sugar and mix around until everything turns white.

-Grab a handful, stuff your face and be shameless with it.

How to Play: -The designated “Easter Bunny” writes drinks on slips of paper and puts them inside plastic Easter Eggs. Drinks are up to the Easter Bunny, but can range from shots, double shots, beer shotguns, beer bongs, etc. (Have fun with this; the players are your bitches, and you can make them do whatever you want for a whole round.)

- The eggs are dispersed around the designated game boundaries (apartment, frat house, etc).

- Once the eggs are dispersed, the players run around finding the eggs and drinking as much as the eggs say.

- Once players find an egg and do the drinking task, they can chuck the egg at someone and get them “out,” thus eliminating the competition and maximizing their drinking opportunities.

The Game Ends When: All the eggs are gone and the last player standing then becomes the Easter Bunny. The game can be played repeatedly all day, but players are advised to keep the number of games to a minimum, unless money for an ambulance ride is readily available.

Thirsty for More?

theblacksheeponline.com

The next thing you know, popcorn puppy chow will be a staple at movie theaters across the country. However, knowing the way movie theaters price their food, this delicious concoction will surely cost you nothing short of an arm, a leg, and a fair amount of dignity. Because of this, I advise you to make it while it’s cheap and delicious.

13

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Twilight: Better than the movie Riley Humes wrote this

Today I received a text message that elicits a response too lengthy to have texted on an iPhone: “Is Twilight fun?” A simple “yes” just won’t do. Yes, Twilight is more than fun. It’s a staple of Athens’ culture and an incredible experience. It’s one of the best days of the year for locals and students alike, and it’s a fantastic race to boot.

The Twilight Criterium is a professional bike race in Athensthat spans the downtown area.

“Why is it called Twilight?” you may ask. Because the finals start at 9 p.m., well after the Georgia sun has gone down. Twilight is one of the coolest bike races you’ll ever see in one of the greatest towns to appreciate it in, and everyone in the Athens community gets involved.

First and foremost, the downtown bars open much earlier than normal, ranging from 9 a.m. to noon and the streets in front of the bars on the bike route are blocked off from cars, allowing drinking establishments to extend their premises a few more feet. This, of course, permits expanded outdoor drinking in designated spaces. Therefore, instead of enjoying your daybrews inside a dark bar, you can frolic outside on these extended patio areas soaking up the sun and watching the preliminaries of the race. Downtown will be packed at by 2 p.m., so no judgment from anyone on this day of fun.

BECAUSE YOU

ALWAYS WANT MORE

Follow us on TWITTER AND FACEBOOK @BlackSheep_UGA FB: theblacksheepUGA Download OUR MOBILE APP SEARCH ‘BLACK SHEEP MOBILE’ ON iPHONE/ANDROID

And let’s not forget OUR WEBSITE THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Secondly, this is a true community event. Breweries, restaurants, and a variety of local vendors will set up tents all over the streets that surround the route. Terrapin sponsors the Criterium, and is available for your drinking pleasure all over downtown. Tons of people will be giving out free coozies, croakies, and 5-hour ENERGY shots. Some restaurants have even been known to give out free food when you buy alcohol, which is a win if ever one’s existed.

Finally, and the number one reason that Twilight is amazingly awesome, it that it’s more than a day party and event- it’s a true coming together for everyone and everything that is Athens. This isn’t limited to students, or drinkers, or people who live downtown- this is an event for every person who has ever spoken those three awesome words: “I love Athens.”

Kids, parents, freshman, seniors, locals, townies, bar owners—this race will probably make every single one of their lists of best days ever.

And students will be tipsy enough to make every one of those people their best friend.

So, to anyone asking, is Twilight fun? Yes, in fact, Twilight is fun and more, but most of all it’s definitely an experience, one that shouldn’t be missed for any reason. Come out to breathe in some Athens flair and come out at night to support the cyclists you hate 364 days out of the year. But, the only way for you to answer the question is for you to experience it yourself... We’ll see you outside.

15

www.theblacksheeponline.com

james cameron is lazy jess wise wrote this

You guys, I saw this movie the other day-maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s from 1997, but it was pretty famous, and they just re-released it in 3D. That’s right, I’m talking about TITANIC. Mr. Cameron may be an egotistical, greedy bastard, but even after 15 years, Titanic is pretty fantastic. Titanic 3D definitely didn’t disappoint, but the actual 3D part of it was pretty lackluster. I was actually kind of pissed that I paid an extra $2.50 to sit in the theater looking like a dumbass wearing shitty sunglasses at night.

Of course, even as is, Titanic is epic. Leo’s hair is as luscious as ever, Katie still takes her clothes off, and the boat still sinks. Damn that stupid boat! Every time I see it, I sit there screaming at the screen, “HELLO?? YOU HAVE THE WEATHER WARNING. MAYBE DON’T BE SO BLASÉ ABOUT LOSING THE BINOCULARS AND SLOW THE BOAT DOWN A LITTLE BIT!” But they never listen, so the ship keeps crashing into the iceberg, and then I cry for an hour and a half.

As great as the original is, I think it’s pretty lazy of Mr. Cameron to just release the same movie. Don’t you? If I’m paying full price for a ticket again, I think he could have spiced it up a little. There have been plenty of movies that have come out this year-maybe he could have tweaked the ending to model after some of those. I’m just brainstorming, but here’s a helpful little list for him, just in case he wants another yacht 15 years from now:

The Hunger Games: It’s only April, but come on, let’s be real: The Hunger Games is obviously the movie event of 2012. If old James really wanted a yacht, he could have Kate and Leo face insurmountable odds, including death and people trying to tear them apart, and only allow one of them to survive. Wait… that’s already what happens. So basically, Kate is a poor woman’s Katniss. Everyone knows there was room for 2 on that floating door; if Katniss and Peeta had been the ones stranded in the North Atlantic, you know things would have turned out differently.

21 Jump Street: I know you’ll agree with me when I say that Titanic could use a Johnny Depp cameo. In 21 Jump Street, he tears off a wig and mask to reveal that he’s been on the case all along, and then he just unloads his gun into all of the bad guys. I am absolutely certain that theaters across the nation would erupt in applause if he showed up on the deck of the RMS Titanic and started shooting people. I, for one, would point him toward Cal and his “undertaker of a manservant” first-those fools have got to go.

The Avengers: This movie hasn’t come out yet, but it doesn’t exactly take a brain trust to figure out the premise: World is going to hell, superheroes save the day. Well, if the sinking of an unsinkable ship doesn’t qualify as the world

Meet The Staff!

Cutler Sheridan Jess Wise Jamie Tyberg Melissa Baxter

campus manager Ethan Cunningham

Advertising Manager Abby Smith Megan Thompson Suzanne Durden

campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Ethan Cunningham Suzanne Durden Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers

editorial Manager Ali Misner marketing/distribution team Sierra Moore (Manager) Stephanie Mannheimer Anna Melnik Writers Alexandra Rose Tess Gilbert Riley Humes Christine Kottis

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

going to hell, I don’t know what does. All that time that Kate and Leo are running around trying not to fall to their icy deaths, it would be really helpful if Robert Downey, Jr. could just swoop in and carry them back to safety. Is that so much to ask?

A lot of people say Titanic is the greatest movie ever made.

They’re right - it’s pretty great, but someone has to call Cameron on his bullshit. Money, please!

Find Us At...

Tan Company Choo Choo Express Mirko Pasta Little Caesars Bulldawg Pizza Five Star Day Cafe Jittery Joes Starbucks Your Pie Speak Easy Tapas & Bar Treppenhaus East West The Winery Downtowner Maba Grille Sweet Peppers Deli Buddha Bar The Globe The Grill

Yoguri Silver Dollar Walkers Coffee Shop & Pub Blue Sky Grilled Teriyaki Nona’s Genco Import Company (bar) Wuxtry Records Junkmans Daughter Transmet The Mad Hatter Amicis Barberitos (dt) Al’s Beef Mellow Mushroom Chango’s Cutter’s Pub Bar Code

Moonshine Bar On the Rocks All Good Lounge Flannigan’s Fahrenheit Volstead Jerzees Sports Bar Johnnys Pizza Roadhouse Little Italy Hangover Pita Pit Nowhere Bar Blind Pig Boar’s Head Lounge Capital Room Sand Bar The Pub at Gameday Jack’s Bar

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

Max Canada (bar) Ted’s Most Best Towne Club 909/West broad Lakeside Polo Club The Retreat The Station River Mill The Lodge The Reserve The Summit The Exchange Abbey West The Woodlands STREET TEAMS ALL GREEK HOUSES AND SO MUCH MORE!

class tim e

Hey __1__, have you heard of this new music, dubstep? I don’t know how I haven’t heard that shit before, it’s so __2__. Basically, it’s electronic music with these drops, which are instances where the musician makes a noise like two __3__ __4__. Have you heard of __5__? I really __6__ that guy.

Last week __7__ asked me to a __8__ concert, so I __9__ went. When we arrived it was pretty obvious everyone was on __10__. There was a girl wearing a shiny __11__ that you could see under her light-up __12__. A guy with hair like a __13__ offered me some __14__, but when I saw his __15__ I was like, “no thanks, man.”

So, during the concert this guy was doing this dance, it looked like he was trying to __16__and __17__ at the same time. I had to __18__ him, because he looked like __19__.

Later that night some girl __20__on the dance floor. Everyone around her jumped they were so __21__.

Eventually the show ended and we all went home, but I had such a __22__ time I couldn’t fall asleep until __23__.

1) Name 2) Adjective 3) Animal 4) Verb 5) Dubstep artist 6) Adjective 7) Name 8) Dubstep artist 9) Adjective 10) Drug 11) Clothing article 12) Clothing

article 13) Clothing article 14) Noun 15) Body part 16) Dance move 17) Dance move 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Adjective 22) Adjective 23) Time

class tim e

the madlib: a dubstep show