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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
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Volume 2, Issue 2 2/9/12 - 2/22/12
Refresher Course: What You Missed Over Winter Session If You Were at Home Nicholas Schug wrote this
Hello everyone and a hearty “welcome back” to those of you that spent winter session at home. It’s important that you stay updated on current events, so I’m going to fill you in on what happened around here in January. As you know, Winter Session is a tumultuous time where empires rise and fall and history is made. This year was no exception. January 2: Students trudged slowly back into their dorms, ready to be enveloped into the cold wasteland that is Winter Session. Upon entering our rooms, we learned that each of us was given a puppy along with a sign that said “Welcome Back!(Sponsored by Sakai)”. It was certainly an unexpected and strange gift, but no one in their right mind would turn down a free puppy. We were told that the puppies would get us through the harsh winter months, which skyrocketed student morale to an all-time high. January 3: Carrying their new puppies in wicker baskets (which were also donated by Sakai) students set off for the first classes of the session. Apparently, over Christmas break, the school had replaced all overhead projectors with chocolate fountains and rented a Starlab unit specifically for students to do drugs in. January 10: Another surprise! America’s sweetheart Betty White arrived on January 10th to give out free hugs and yell any swear word requested at the top of her lungs. As Betty would say, she was a great fucking sport and it was an absolute goddamn delight. January 19: As a show of gratitude, the entire campus came together and erected a statue called “Unity” commemorating the kindness of our school’s staff and Sakai. We sang songs together, had profound conversations on life’s meaning, and wrapped everything up by setting the world record for largest group hug. January 21: This is where things took a bit of a turn. The university announced that all puppies would have to be repossessed and the chocolate fountains were burned in a large heap on the north green. Many students tried to give the faculty the benefit of the doubt, citing “budget problems” for the sudden change of heart. It was discovered that these students were actually professional actors hired by the university. They wore shirts that said “Totally”, “Whatever” and other generic young people phrases that, in retrospect, were a dead giveaway.
Other stuff
Inside
Awkward Eye Contact
January 26: Things got worse. The Starlab was popped and UD’s president began making announcements over the emergency alert system where he insisted on being called “King”. He manually shut down the schools electrical grid every night at 6 p.m. and littered the streets with propaganda materials that read simply “Trust Sakai. Trust UD.” It was around this same time that he purchased a fleet of foreign cars to display outside of his home and each student’s dining plan was replaced with a single potato. January 28: The riots began. A few small uprisings began sporadically around the campus, but were quickly squashed under the boot heel of the president’s mercenaries. It was clear that something had to be done. A group of intrepid students, after making some fingerless gloves, became inspired to form a resistance squad. They worked tirelessly to find a way to sneak into the president’s house (which was now the Bob Carpenter Center, after he annexed it) and stop him. They broke in and were shocked to learn that the president was just a patsy. He was a mere errand boy for the real leader of the Delaware
campus. Sakai had become self-aware and was taking insane measures in a perverse attempt to achieve “maximum school” which is a surprisingly vague and awkward goal for a computer. Two engineering majors were able to successfully shut down the machine and everything was restored to normal. The president was fired for allowing himself to be bent at the will of Sakai and was called “unoriginal” and “hacky” because of his action’s similarities to the plot of “I, Robot”. February 4: The “Unity” statue was destroyed and things gradually returned to normal. The students vowed to never speak of Winter Session 2012 again, so don’t even bother asking us about it because it’s completely true and all of this stuff happened. We realized, and you will realize, that though Sakai’s reign of terror was over, it got the last laugh by switching us from a Coca-Cola campus to a Pepsi campus. Goddamn you, Sakai. How was home?
When Hooking Up With A Stranger Isn’t Funny Anymore.
What kind of denizens populate this harrowing stretch of road after sundown?
You’re going to have to live a life of lies, so nothing new here.
see page 4
see page 6
see page 12
Main Street After Hours
How to Celebrate V-Day If You’re So Alone