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Volume 2, Issue 5 3/29/12 - 4/18/12

A Guide to Scheduling Your Classes chris dart wrote this

With the spring semester about to enter the homestretch towards summertime, this means soon we will all be fully engulfed in the most horrible week of the year. No, I’m not talking about midterms. Not even finals. I’m talking, of course, about the dreaded Registration Week. This is the week where we have to box-out our fellow students in order to sign up for that painful 30-minute meeting with our advisor to talk about what classes we plan on taking next semester. It’s not enough that we’re just coming off of the stress from midterms, that we’re still recovering from spring break and that we are returning to every project and paper’s due date being in one fucking week. Let’s go ahead and make Registration Week at the exact same time. Yeah, that’s a great idea. Lucky for you, The Black Sheep has decided to make this process a little less stressful by providing you with a guide on how to schedule your classes easily and efficiently. Your first tool is the Major Requirements Form. Figure out what you have to take. If you need a 4-hour science class with a lab, it’s probably not a good idea to take it with a 4-hour language requirement with a lab. That means you’re spending a ton of time at lab and not enough time at home drinking beer. Also, if you don’t have to take bowling, then don’t fucking take bowling. Taking a 1-hour Leisure Skills course adds 2-plus hours to your schedule and only gives you 1 hour of elective credit. Not worth it. The next tool is the list of classes. Look at the times for your possible classes. Friday classes suck. Are you really gonna want to wake up at 8a.m. on a Friday to go listen about the history of Japan? No, you’re not. You’re gonna want to go pee your morning wood off and go back to sleep. Look for Tuesday-Thursday classes as much as you can. Scheduling 5 T-TH classes while you have only 1 class on M-W-F means you’ve got two days of really shitty hard work per week. Yeah, they’re busy as a beaver (thanks mom), but then you have M-W-F to sleep or do homework or watch Price is Right all day. Two really busy days beats five sorta busy days any day of the week. The third tool you can use to your advantage is RateMyProfes-

Other stuff

Inside

sors.com. Read reviews about your professors from other kids who have already had them. Thinking about taking English 215 with Professor Cockanballs? (not a real person). Do some research first and find out if she is easy, hard, sexy, helpful, speaks English or ever answers emails. If you could find out if your potential professor is a total d-bag before actually being enrolled in his class, wouldn’t you want to? Use this site. The last tools you can use to your advantage are your friends. Ask people in your classes if they know any super easy classes. Be like “Hey, who is here has taken this class? Is it easy?” Instant firsthand feedback on class content and professor douchbaggieness. It’s like your own personal RateMyProfes-

Overall, the goal is to graduate. So why would you waste your time taking unnecessarily hard classes with dirt bag teachers when you could be taking sure-thing A’s while completing the exact same requirement? Overall, the goal should be to focus on the classes that actually matter (the required ones) and say “fuck it” to the ones that don’t (the electives). Because when it comes down to electives, don’t be afraid to put more research into finding the class than you do in the actual class. Oh yeah, and screw you Registration Week.

Nike workout shorts are being abused. Cue the Sarah McLachlan music.

Become the Boy Scout of the Bar life. see page 5

Your shirt no longer has to be a Maxi Pad for back sweat.

see page 4

The Spring Nemesis: Back Sweat

sors.com but you can tell if the person you’re asking is a total douche and just loves shitty classes or if they’re normal and a reliable source of information.

The Night Out Survival Kit

see page 13

Saving the Nort


Table of > > >

PAGE 5>>>

The Top Ten Overused Hastags

contents

#thatawkwardmomentwhen you realize you use all of these.

PAGE 6>>

Bear Grylls’ Future Employment

page 9 >>

Bartender of the Issue

pages 10 >>

It’s Sweeps Season!

page 11 >>

The Black Sheep Interviews: Bad Veins

6

Bear Grylls resume reads “willing to drink own urine.” Who wouldn’t hire that?

John from 356 takes on 30 4-year-olds.

9

We let you know what TV shows we’d marry, bang and kill.

11

Ben from Bad Veins gives you an inside look into their new album, The Mess We Made.

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page three

pic of the week >>> the best things in life are free.

the second best are cheap drinks. download our free app for iphone and android spend less. get more. what's not to love?

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No, Eve! Not the forbidden juice! Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.

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The first 5 right answers win prizes!

word of the week >>> Inexdickable

Encircles Hero Zing

Quail Sieges Rein

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: One’s inability to understand the reasoning behind a hook-up the next day. Days later, Molly couldn’t figure out why she had slept with Kevin; it was inexdickable.


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The spring nemesis: Back Sweat chris dart wrote this

Summertime is great: it’s my absolute favorite season. And why wouldn’t it be? It’s gorgeous out, girls are hardly wearing any clothes, and every day is a good day to drink by the pool. But there are a few downsides. There are bugs at night, getting in your car is brutal, and worst of all, the dreaded back sweat. Going to school in the south has taught me to always plan ahead for the threat of back sweat when getting ready to go to class. There isn’t a person in Clemson who hasn’t experienced the complete embarrassment of walking into class, taking off your backpack, and revealing to the class the monstrous moist strip from your upper back to your ass crack that has been forming throughout the five minute walk from your dorm to your class. It’s awful. The backpack straps are perfectly outlined in sweat. It looks like some sort of wet monkey was hanging onto your back. And even though chances are most of your class is currently hiding their back sweat behind the backs of their chairs, you feel as if you’re the only one there who looks like they ran 14 miles with their backpack on. But alas, fellow back sweaters, there are ways to combat this embarrassing ordeal. The first way to avoid the back sweat is to plan your clothing accordingly. Grey shirts are the enemy in the summertime. If you wear a grey shirt, prepare to have a dark, moist patch on your lower back before you even get out of the car. Heck, depending on your body type, you might even have a few stomach roll sweat lines. Now that’s attractive. Wear a navy blue, black, or white shirt. Yes, the dark colors will be hot, but

these wardrobe choices are too dark and too light to show moisture and will provide you with comfort knowing you are back sweat free. Secondly, don’t wear a backpack. Backpacks are the enemy during the hot weather months. They just force your shirt to stick to your body, keep breezes from cooling down your saturated lower back and only add the moisture. Girls can use their over-theshoulder bags and guys can just carry their shit. Oh, you have too many books? Try leaving one of your 5000-page textbooks at home for once, you loser. Sorry, tough love. If it’s really that important that you bring your textbooks to class, I’m sure one of your also nerdy classmates will do so. Borrow their book and stay dry. Plus, there are very few classes in Clemson where you can’t get away with just bringing either a laptop or a notebook to class. You’ll look so college. The last way to avoid back sweat in the summer months is to just not go to class. True, you probably should. I mean after all, your parents are paying all this money for your higher education. But then again, it’s 85 and gorgeous out. How about you grab a cooler of beer, slip on your Rainbows and Wayfarers and head down to Chimney pool for a well-deserved session of day-drinking next to your fellow classmates. If you really feel bad, bring a book or two to read by the pool. We only have four years of this people. So skip a class or two and go hang out with you friends at the pool, where back sweat isn’t just expected, it’s welcomed.

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www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten Stale Hashtags That Have Definitely Run Their Course

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10) #verb: Anyone who hashtags verbs indicating what they’re doing (ex: wow it’s so nice outside! #running) should stop what they’re hashtagging and go throw themselves off a cliff (#falling). 9) #adjective: Worse even than hashtagged verbs, hashtagged adjectives need never be used (ex: in the kitchen making cookies! #fat). Fact of the matter is they add nothing to the quality of your tweet, and mostly just make you seem as though you have no grasp of what is cute or funny or even mildly amusing. Likely, I will just assume the adjective legitimately applies to you without even reading your tweet (#boring #stupid).

The Night Out Survival Kit Meredith davidson wrote this There you are, walking to your establishment du jour, excited for whatever lies ahead of you. You’ve got some cash, an I.D., some form of birth control and a cell phone. Everything you’re going to need to have a good night out, right? Wrong. Disaster always strikes at the least opportune times. But if you have these things, you’ll be all good: Applesauce: I know, ha-ha, very funny, you can climb out of my second grade lunchbox now. But hear me out. Applesauce is an utterly underutilized chaser. It comes in small snack bowls, perfect for carrying in a pocket or satchel. It has a delightfully fruity flavor, and a semi-solid form will distract you from the taste of everything from simple vodka, to the paralyzing aftertaste of a tequila shot (in the same way that sucking on a lime does, minus half the effort). Just throw back your shot and follow it quickly with a sip from a cup of applesauce. You’ve got a chaser on hand all night, no matter where you end up, so you can skip the mixed drinks at the bar and get right into the stuff that really counts. Sharpie: You know how dogs pee on virtually everything in an effort to mark their territory? Sharpies are the dog pee of the drunk human world. How many times have you sat down in a booth at TD’s and wanted to add your name to the years of history engraved on those walls, but have been unable to due to lack of writing utensils? This is why I always keep a Sharpie in my satchel when I head downtown. With Sharpie in hand, I have successfully conquered every bathroom stall, and am well on my way to marking every TD’s booth as mine, signing my name in a new location every time I’m there, and you can too! Keep a Sharpie

with you at all times and you can mark the whole of downtown as yours. By the rules of the dog world, you’ll own the place, so that’s bound to warrant some free drinks, right? Little Caesars Frequent Buyer Card: Yeah, these exist. Next time you’re in there and sober (because you will forget at 2:30a.m. after a night of heavy drinking), pick one of these up (Little Caesars is not nearly as scary as you might think in the daylight) and reap the benefits next time you’re out. Get punches for every Little Caesars pizza you purchase and instead of throwing out the empty box the next morning with shame and regret, you can proudly dispose of it with a sense of resourcefulness, knowing that with just a few more pizzas, you’ll earn a free one! A Straw: True, for hygienic purposes it might be best to carry your own straw to drink from with you when you head out. But the best reason to carry one on you at all times is for drink sniping. Whether you’re poor, a total mooch, or just honestly didn’t drink enough at the pregame, the straw is one’s ultimate weapon against a night of sobriety. Frat parties are ideal for this trick, although a crowded bar works well too. As you traverse the crowd, throw your straw in every abandoned or unattended drink you set sights on. A sip here, a sip there, before you know it, you’re shitfaced and completely for free. Drink snipe responsibly, my friends. As you stumble home for the evening full of apple-y goodness, random bevs and with pizza you’ll feel like the college version of a Boy Scout, always prepared.

8) #singlebecause: You’re single because you overuse this hashtag and it just reminds your followers of all the reasons they too would never date you. 7) #foreveralone: Followed closely by the overuse of the #singlebecausehashtag, this tag does nothing more than accentuate how pathetic you are and reminds followers that you have no clever way of making fun of yourself. 6) #thatawkwardmoment: That awkward moment when this hashtag has been way overused and yet people still think it’s funny to use it has long passed. Now we’re just in the awkward silence when everyone is just waiting for someone to say something clever. 5) #firstworldpains: This is no longer a funny jab at your privileged lifestyle, you just seem like an asshole. Haha, people are starving and the driver’s side window on your BMW is broken. Hilarious! 4) #_________problems: (Ex: #whitegirlproblems, #fatgirlproblems) After a while the problems just get old and followers begin wondering why you aren’t seeking help. 3) #_________woes: Contrary to popular belief, this is not a clever alternative to the use of any “problems” hashtag. Had Twitter existed in Victorian England, maybe. Woe is the person who finds this mildly amusing. 2) #shit______says: The use of this hashtag indicates you think the people you’re around are so consistently hilarious and unique that they deserve their own hashtag. All too often, however, the #shitsarahsays is shit everyone says. Thanks, but no thanks. 1) #winning: More likely than not, whatever you tag as “winning” is really more, “losing.” When you’re dead-set on ripping off a coke-addled manchild, what does that really say about your life?

meredith davidson wrote this


06

Future Bear Grylls TV Shows

Chris Dart wrote this

After a lengthy contract dispute with his long-time employer, Discovery Channel, Bear Grylls has officially decided to move on from his successful survival show Man vs. Wild. Well, he was fired. But don’t worry, that doesn’t mean Bear will just fade away into irrelevance. I mean, his name is Bear Grylls and he drinks pee pee, the guy is made for television. In fact, here are a few possibilities for future Bear Grylls productions: Bear “Grills”: Listen, he didn’t get famous because he knew how to make a fire with a rock and his pocketknife, he got famous because he was willing to drink his own piss and eat a live salmon right out of the river. One time he even squeezed an elephant dung to get the liquid from it so that he could have a little something to wet his whistle. If we gave this guy a cooking show, it’d be gold. Pure, television, gold. “This week on Bear ‘Grills’, I will be cooking my own dog’s recently removed testicles marinated in a light bordelaise sauce, served in my own shoe. And for dessert, I’ve got a nice bowel of slugs topped with some homemade lion’s milk ice cream. Oh, that’s lovely.” Gold, I tell you. GOLD! Dancing with the Stars: We’ve seen Bear drink and eat almost everything a human can eat. He has survived scorching deserts, freezing wastelands and dense jungles, with almost no gear or tools. But, can he survive more than one week on Dancing with the Stars? The popular dance show would likely provide Gryll’s with his hardest task yet: the Fox Trot. He can even rehydrate himself with some fresh pee! Almost every celebrity who comes on the show claims

it’s the “hardest thing I’ve ever had to do,” which is just what Grylls likes. Plus, this show is basically the stomping grounds for celebrities trying to fight their way back into social relevance. Perfect fit. True Life: I Like Drinking My Own Urine: I know I keep going on about it, but seriously, the guy does it in like every episode. I’m starting to think there is a problem. There must be more ways to get some hydration. Maybe bring a water bottle next time your producer tells you that he’s dropping you in the middle on the Sahara for a few days? I honestly am starting to think that Grylls actually enjoys the warm salty beverage, instead of considering it a chore. Maybe that’s what keeps the 37-year old looking like he is still 20. Bear-devil: You know, like instead of Daredevil…it’s a working title. Think a more extreme Jackass, and with more urine. Bear Grylls doing dumb shit all over the world. Jumping into Australia’s shark infested waters while covered in bacon? Yes, please. Free falling into an active volcano wearing nothing but a Union Jack speedo? Hilarious AND dangerous, I love it. The possibilities are endless for Grylls. His knack for surviving even the most outrageous circumstances will help him find a new job, even if it is on a B-list celebrity TV dance competition. So although we may not immediately know where the survival expert will land next, we do know one thing: wherever he goes, he will be drinking his own piss. Because he likes doing it, and America loves watching it.

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Bartenderof the Issue

John Hendricks 356

Relationship Status: Single Major: Marketing Favorite Drink: White Russian (Vodka, Kahlua, cream, served on the rocks). Favorite Shot: Georgia Peach (Bourbon, peach schnapps, amaretto, splash of orange juice & cranberry juice). What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Bill O’Reilly What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job: “Ay girl, let’s make a baby!” What Disney character do you most want to hook up with: Princess Jasmine, but only if we are on top of the magic carpet. What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the job: I overheard this guy

drinking game:

Pursuit

There’s no escape. There’s an enemy to your right and another to your left. Across from you is your opponent. Didn’t these people used to be your friends? What You Need: A trivia game (ex: Trivial Pursuit), beer, hard liquor. Number of Players: At least four. Intoxication Level: The film crew from Cops will be hot on your tail.

How to Play: -The game begins with one player designated the runner and another player the chaser. These players should be positioned on opposite sides of the table. -The object of the game is for the chaser to catch the runner by answering a series of trivia questions correctly. The runner can prevent this by answering the same questions before the chaser. -The player sitting to the left of the chaser asks the questions. -A round begins with one participant asking one question out loud to both the runner and the chaser. Each player is allowed one guess. Whoever answers correctly first is the winner of the round. -If the runner guesses correctly, the chaser must drink for ten seconds, and the chaser is forced into another round of trivia with the runner. -If the chaser guesses correctly, the runner must drink for five seconds. The player to the chaser’s left becomes the new chaser. A new round of trivia begins. -If no player answers correctly, no player drinks and a new round with the same runner and chaser begins. -When the player directly to the runner’s right becomes the chaser and answers a trivia question correctly, the runner must take a shot. At this point the current chaser becomes the runner, the runner becomes the chaser and a new round begins. The Game Ends When: You run out of chasers.

tell his girlfriend to let other random guys buy drinks for her so he didn’t have to buy them. I laughed pretty hard at that. If you could be a holiday, which would you be: April 20th What holiday/event is craziest at (your bar): Goldfish Racing is by far the wildest thing to do on Thursday nights. What dead person would you want to bring back to life: Hitler. Then I could charge people $20 to punch him in the face. I’d be super rich. If you could have any superpower, what would it be: The ability to instantly know anything I wish. Boxers, briefs, freeballing: Boxers Who do you most want to have a

tickle fight with: Elmo What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: Generally speaking, most anything that goes on Thursday through Saturday night. How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight: I’d say a solid thirty before getting too tired and overrun.  During the time at your bar, about how many numbers have you gotten on the job: A gentleman never tells. Favorite place to party: The Moon Tower, of course. Favorite/least favorite tattoo and why: I saw a pretty awesome Cheshire cat the other day. Alice in Wonderland has always been one of my favorites.

recipe for disaster:

Pop Tartilla

If you love authentic Mexican food (read: Taco Bell) then you’re going to love the Pop Tartilla. Hey, if you’re only eating food loaded with preservatives, then you’ll probably live forever. Makes sense, right?

What You’ll Need: Tortilla, fruit-flavored Pop Tart, peanut butter, jelly. Cook Time: Five minutes? I’m starving now! Fatty Factor: Somewhere between eating a whole pizza and going to bed hungry. Let’s Get Baked: -Put a saucepan on your stovetop and set a burner to medium. -Place a Pop Tart in your toaster. Heat to desired level. -When the Pop Tart is in the toaster, place a large tortilla in the saucepan, warm it until soft. -When the tortilla is warm and the Pop Tart is finished, remove both. Place the Pop Tart in the middle of the tortilla. -Slather the Pop Tart with jelly and peanut butter. -Wrap up the tortilla until the Pop Tart is no longer visible. When your roommate comes home and asks you what the hell you’re eating, don’t get all worked up. Just look them in the eye and politely ask them to stop insulting your heritage. God, when did everyone get so racist around here?


Sweeps Season: With sweeps season upon us we decided to highlight the best, the worst and the rest of first-season shows the only way we know how: In the most juvenile way possible.

Happy Endings (ABC) In a sentence: Attractive twenty-somethings act like attractive twenty-somethings.

Marry, Bang, Kill Edition Marry!

The show is full of plausible scenarios executed in funny ways. Remember early episodes of How I Met Your Mother, before you just wanted the damn show to end so Ted Mosby could just get on with his miserable life? That’s Happy Endings now. It shows how goofy assumedly normal people can be in

Why we’re proposing: Sure, you may not like Zooey Deschanel. “She’s too purposely quirky!” you say. “Even when she’s supposed to be upset, she comes off like a sad koala!” says another person. “Her acting skills are ruff at best!” says the dog TV critic. To you we say, “Who gives a shit?”

their private lives. Not all investment bankers are huge dicks? You don’t say! A food truck owner that doesn’t have to be some overly-quirky buffoon hellbend on remaining that way? Zuh? A comedy based in reality, teased out to be funny? Well, we’ll be damned.

Person of Interest (CBS) Bang! In a sentence: The weird guy from Lost hires Jesus to kick some ass and take some names.

Altruistic genius billionaire conceives of a way to identify villains and victims prior to crimes being committed. As a result, he hires an ex-CIA field officer It’s certainly a lot closer than one would think. Yet, the show kinda-sorta works. Person of Interest to take care of his dirty work. sticks closely to its premise, is well-casted, and presents interesting scenarios with each new epiOr, sode. It’s not perfect, but there are a lot of hours to fill in a programming schedule, and to fill them Well-endowed lesbian nuns fly armed-to-the-teeth cyborg dragons through space in an attempt to rid the without making the viewer want to throw their remote through the TV with disgust is certain worthy universe of alien pedophiles. of some praise.?

2 Broke Girls (CBS)

Kill!

There’s the flat premise: Life is hard for two gals just a-tryin to make it in the big city, LOL! There’s the oddly racist ensemble cast featuring

Or, think about it this way: Without Miss. D. New Girl would be terrible. Replace her with Laura Prepon? Horrible. Jenna Fischer? Surely you jest! That one girl from that other thing? No way! The show isn’t terrible, and we can all thank her for that. Heil, er…thanks, Zooey!

Up All Night (NBC)

Bang!

But strip those cast members away and look at where Up All Night stands right now. Eh. Maybe it’s the subject matter—it’s hard to relate to the perils of child rearing when you haven’t done it yourself. Like a clown falling off the Empire State Building, we know that the situations the couple is led into should be funny, but when face meets pavement it’s a sad, empty feeling more than it is a laugh.

Premise: The parents cope with traveling with a child for the first time. Moral: Don’t have kids if you like seeing cool shit.

Seriously, look at the premise of two episodes, and the moral each story:

This was supposed to be a comedy, right?

Premise: After the baby, the marriage is lacking in sex. Moral: Do you like sex? Don’t have kids.

Alcatraz (Fox) In a sentence: Hey look, someone thought the fat guy from Lost deserved his own TV show!

Why it should die: Though we respect the religious beliefs of others, we find it impossible to come to terms with the idea that one could believe in a higher power in light of 2 Broke Girls’ existence.

There’s the stale jokes: Kat Dennings has big boobs! The other girl is blonde! Creeps! Horndogs!

uh…didn’t work so we—Zooey Deschanel, everyone!

Why we want to bang it: Will Arnett gets a lifetime pass for Arrested Development, Christina Applegate is above average in everything she stars in, and Maya Rudolph has a strong enough comedy portfolio to make us believe that this show has the potential to go beyond where it is now.

Which of the following shows maintains a more likely premise:

That may sound a little harsh, but the show is truly an affront to whichever god you worship.

New Girl is the perfect vehicle for all of Zooey Deschanel’s wild, wacky quirks. She manages to evoke grins, giggles and guffaws in equal doses simply by being herself. Seriously, she’s so stinkin’ adorable that we can’t control our childish choice to chain words together into alliterative sentences. What else does that work with? Let’s find out: The cute and cuddly kitten clawed clumsily at the creased corduroys. How adorable! On the other hand: Hitler happily high-fived his henchmen, hearing of the Hebrew Holocaust. That…

In a sentence: Wait, someone explain to us why people have children?

Why we want to bang it: In short, few shows get as much mileage out of willful suspension of disbelief as Person of Interest does.

In a sentence: Hot girls make fun of vaguelydefined stereotypes while looking hot, just like high school!

Marry!

In a sentence: Aww…Zooey Deschanel!

Why we’re proposing: Yes, we’re kinda cheating with a show that technically debuted a year ago, but the fall schedule offered Happy Endings its first chance at a full-slate season. This is a good thing. Happy Endings is ridiculous in how ridiculous it isn’t. The show refuses to get by on lame comedy gags and overdone tropes, and manages to find humor in having the characters act in a way that people actually act, but funnier.

New Girl (FOX)

Kill!

Why it should die: Alcatraz is little more than a extravagant mad lib done up with dark undertones and pseudo-science writing in an attempt to lure in a sizable chunk of Lost fans fiending for another psychodrama fix.

a nerdy Asian, a creepy Eastern European cook and the token black guy. Then there’s the laugh track. Nothing says, “we think the show’s demographic is a group of vegetative-state slapdicks” like a laugh track. It’s like the producers are screaming, “she spilled soup on her tits, laugh, monkeys! Do it now so Chevy will buy some more truckin’ ads!”

One can easily picture the writing room, a bunch of suits lording over feeble, weak-willed writers willing to put pen to paper for a quick paycheck. Every time a writer submits a draft, it’s sent back moments later with notes littered with impossible-to-decipher demands like, “needs more intrigue” or “lacking techno mumbo-jumbo.” The end result is a show that just kind of exists for the sake of existing. To make a food allegory that only Hurley could love, it would be like ten chefs

trying to cook the same steak. Each one would try to improve the cut of meat in their own way. One would broil it. Another would move it to a grill, someone would try to pan fry it. In the end, it’s a charred husk of its former self. At this point the guests don’t want to eat it, but they’re thinking, “well, we already drove here, why the hell not?”


the music page

the black sheep interviews:

Bad Veins

Bad Veins, a rock duo hailing from lovely Cincinnati, Ohio, are an up-and coming band known for melding a unique sound with pop sensibility. Frontman Benjamin Davis chatted with us about just that prior to the release of their album, The Mess We Made, debuting on April 24th. The Black Sheep: Your new album, The Mess We’ve Made, drops on April 24th. How did, or how does, the creative process work in a band that only has two members? Benjamin Davis: Well, that’s a loaded question. I think that a four-piece band would be a lot different from how we do it. Undeniably, I am a control freak, and I have my hand in everything. That’s even true with [drummer] Sebastien’s work. With just us two, we talk openly about ideas all the time, and I have to try to create room for him to be creative. TBS: Bad Veins was intended to be a solo project for you, but you later found Sebastien and wanted him to be a part of the work, correct? Ben: Yeah. For me, he had the work ethic I was looking for in a bandmate. A lot of people don’t believe that one could be a musician for a living, and they don’t understand the baby steps a group needs to take to get there. There’s that old saying, “The difference between a goal and a dream is a plan.” I feel like most people don’t have that plan, and a lot of other bands think, “Well, we’ll never be big, so why practice?” Sebastien saw that there are achievable goals and wants to put in the work to make it happen. That’s a rare trait in a person.

cd review

out now

TBS: How do you view your new album in light of your other work? Ben: I don’t think that our dynamic has changed between the first two records— we approach making music the same way. On this album, though, I had a lot more attention to detail, and there’s a lot more to listen to—to wrap your brain around—and that’s largely because I spent more time composing and arranging on this album.

ofwgkta The OF Tape, Vol. 2 Odd Future delivers yet again, one swear word at a time. After putting themselves on the map last year and slapping us all in the face with their hardcore beats, OFWGKTA (more simply referred to as Odd Future) has come back to grace our presence with their fourth album, The OF Tape, Vol. 2. Last summer’s emergence of The Odd Future Tape was actually made in 2008, but became public-attention (more or less) when they were put on the Pitchfork Music Festival line-up. So, naturally, everyone started freaking out about them. They swear a lot, and “misogynistic” doesn’t even seem like a harsh enough term to describe these dudes who casually rap about graphic rape. But, we’ve had a year to digest their intensity, and I’d like to think we’re all over the initial shock value (primarily brought forth by the infamous, bratty frontman, Tyler, the Creator). No, this time around we can really listen to their music, be entertained by their seriously wacky antics and focus less on their shtick. The first single is “Rella,” which came out with an equally entertaining music video. The beat is fast and subtle, with the rap flow as crisp as the lyrics are witty (“Then my dick went limp so, took

about 3 pills of Extenzo / Now my dick’s longer than a 5 door limo.”) It’s also nice to see that Frank Ocean is still with the group (after being featured on a few tracks for Kanye and Jay-Z’s mega-collaboration Watch the Throne, I could see Tyler’s bitchass getting pissy about it, but it’s cool to see they’re still “homies” or something). His truly great singing voice is also refreshing to the normally scrappy rapping, especially in “Analog 2.” Just about every song on The OF Tape, Vol. 2. has something about it that makes it different from the one before it, and that’s ultimately what makes this album so great. For some bizarre reason, however, there are two songs, “50” and “We Got Bitches,” that sound as though they were produced differently, or recorded differently, or something. They sound so out of place, so much less… polished—it sounds so thrown together that it’s kind of funny. “We Got Bitches,” especially, is like a throwback to a terrible wannabe rapper who brags way too much about what they’ve got when they really just got an album advance and will be in serious debt in about a year: “We got bitches, we got bitches, we got bitches.

TBS: You talk about having your hand in a lot of the music behind this band, but how has Sebastien’s presence shaped the group? Ben: What Seb brings to the band is incredible, because I would not or could not do what we do without him. I often compare him to the Muppet Animal. They’re both drummers, they’re both crazy and if you add an Animal to your band, you’d have to keep them under control, making sure that they’re fitting into the world you’re working in.

GRADE A-

We got diamonds, we got diamonds, we got diamonds. We got cars, we got cars, we got cars. We got Jacuzzis, and your bitch be on my dick.” Cool…and original! Bitches, diamonds, cars, Jacuzzis. So, party it’s like it’s 1999?

TBS: How do you strike the balance between doing right by your fans and maintaining a fresh sound? Ben: Seb and I both really love pop music. We like rock—when we’re on tour we’ll have some Zeppelin or some Sabbath—but we’ll also get into Katy Perry or Fleetwood Mac. Anything that has accessibility and pop sensibility we like. I feel like I have to make that music, and coincidentally other people seem to like it. So, the harder I work at my craft, the closer I actually get to pop music.

At the end of the day, though, for a group of ambitious and confident rappers who barely qualify as 20-somethings, these dudes have a sweet future in front of them. Last summer it would have been easy to write them off as a one-time deal that were just wilin’ out and got lucky with a few songs, had some laughs, and got into some trouble. The truth is, these guys have talent. And that talent is blatantly apparent on this album. OFWGKTA knows how to draw in fans (by putting Tyler’s face and beautiful long locks as the head of a centaur who also happens to be a fan of coke) and also how to keep them (by continuing to make awesome rap music).

TBS: You won the Target Music Maker Award, as well as a few other accolades. How do you qualify that in your terms of success? Ben: I definitely don’t revel in awards. If anything I’m cursed with the “now what?” syndrome, where I can never enjoy anything because I want to figure out what’s next. Sometimes that’s good—it keeps you going and makes you want to get better, but at the same time you never enjoy it.

Sounds Like: A passive-aggressive man who somehow still has swagger. Download: Rella, Lean, Oldie Listen to it When: You’re fittin’ to get hype.

TBS: And what are one of these live shows like? Ben: You should expect to hear things you don’t normally hear, because of the backing tracks we choose to use. Harps, woodwinds, brass, lush arrangements to flesh out the music. Now you don’t see that stuff a lot.

TBS: When you tour do you find you have a hard time translating your sound? Ben: We use the old binary reel-to-reel tape deck and we place it center stage for a live show. So, while we’re not trying to recreate the album live, the elements of it are there. We don’t try to trick anyone into thinking we’re reproducing the sound ourselves, though.

UPCOMING RELEASES Lionel Richie - Tuskegee Madonna - MDNA

Overkill - The Electric Age Flying Colors - Flying Colors

Iron Maiden - En Vivo! Justin Townes Earle - Nothing’s Going to Change...

Britt Nocle -Gold Clay Aiken - Steadfast


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the black sheep dictionary

www.theblacksheeponline.com

black sheep staff wrote this

There are some nights that are simply too fun to describe with boring, Webster words. Likewise, there are some things too unspeakably heinous to describe with standard vernacular. There are some people too stupid or otherwise unpleasant to belittle with basic curse words. For these moments in your collegiate life, look no further than The Black Sheep Dictionary. Edited with a magic marker, scrawled upon the backs of a pizza box and first published two days ago, it’s the modern student’s go-to handbook for relatable vocabulary. Jrunk (adjective): A modified version of “drunk,” the level of intoxication one unit above “white girl wasted.” Used to express the highest level of intoxication in the sorority community. I had like, a billion shots at Croc’s. I’m so jrunk right now, guys. Can we get Jersey Mikes? Productive Skipping (verb): The act of skipping class on the day of a quiz or test one is unprepared for with hopes that increased study time will lead to a high score on the make-up. My productive skipping of BIO turned into me going to Little Ceaser’s for pizza. Alone.

TomTom (noun): Similar in nature to a nojob, but for the female anatomy; a noun describing the lackluster giver. Your friend was a total dud in bed. He tried going down on me, but he was so lost down there he needed a fucking GPS. Total TomTom. Blank Chat (verb): To converse with a past acquaintance without knowing said person’s name. Blank Chats usually last up to five minutes, but can sometimes exceed the half-hour margin. (See: Quick Sand Dan). Man, I had the most uncomfortable Blank Chat with that guy who took me to 1/2 price steak night at Rooster's for our first date while we were waiting to talk to our advisers. He smelled like ground beef so badly I couldn’t remember his name. Quick Sand Dan(ielle) (noun): An acquaintance with which one has no interest in speaking with, yet can pull people around him/her into conversation with little intention to have a swift exchange. Tina, you need to save me— I’m stuck at Friar’s with Quick Sand Dan. The harder I try to get out, the more drinks he buys.

Threshold (noun): The feeling an individual experiences when reaching the peak of inebriation. The threshold can occur due to alcohol or a mixture of intoxicants; known in the 90s as “the spins.” Whoa, brah, think I just hit the threshold with that last bong rip. McBitchin’ (noun): The combination of a McChicken and a McDouble. Bro, McDonald's is open 24 hours, let’s just go get a McBitchin’ and go to bed. Dibs on the top bunk. This is just an excerpt of the volumes upon volumes of vocabulary genius that The Black Sheep dictionary holds. The good news is: You can own your own copy today for just three easy payments of $19.95. Or two cases of beer.

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Nojob (noun): Oral sex lacking in quality and pleasure due to improper technique or intoxication, generally unpleasant and resulting in cancelation of said act. Man, last night was brutal—that girl I met out last night

tried to give me head,but it turned out to be a nojob all because of that last Red Headed Slut shot.


13

www.theblacksheeponline.com

A Petition to Save the Nort meredith davidson wrote this An opposing viewpoint in response to the viral KONY 2012 video that spread across the internet a few weeks ago was the argument that Americans need to handle problems within our borders before we endeavor to help those outside the U.S. To that, I say, INDEED. In recent years, abuse and oppression of a very important thing has become pervasive on college campuses, suffering in plain sight, yet we continue to ignore it. This poor, depraved being is the Nort: the Nike short. And I beg of the collegiate people, for the sake of the Nort, it is time to act. The Nort was one of those things you never heard of in high school, or at least never noticed, however, by the time you entered college, you couldn’t turn a corner without noticing a pair. Norts began subtly colored, in simple hues of navy, black, or gray, and with the notion that they might serve as a comfortable and functional clothing item, ideal for running or other genuinely athletic activities. But things took a turn for the worst. College females began to abuse the Nort and all it set out to be, shaming Nike shorts for good. Granted, it did replace the Soffe short, thank goodness. The Nort made an effort to avoid these oppressors, disguising itself by coming out in patterns and bright colors, but this just heightened the abuse. All too soon, the Nort found itself being worn in painfully inappropriate occasions: classrooms, libraries, and even sorority chapter meetings. But the worst abuse of the Nort has been its unfortunate use for the sake of faking athletic activity. Girls, this is unacceptable. The Nort is not camouflage, we see through the bullshit. When at the gym, the Nort doesn’t suddenly make everyone around you blind to the fact that you are pedaling at level 1 on the bike for a grueling total of four minutes, nor does it magically make your lack of sweat or your excess make-up and perfectly curled hair unapparent. The Nort does not make you look strikingly athletic during class, nor does it make you seem impressive, like you just ran eight miles before you came to study at the library. Most of all, the Nort will not create your bikini bod for you, and you need to stop expecting that of the Nort. It just can’t emotionally handle that pressure. Yes, the Nort is comfortable and requires little to no thought in terms of wardrobe selection, but this does not warrant its constant and daily overuse. And whatever you do, do not wear the white Norts;

you simply look like a giant diapered girl-baby. Leave the poor Nort alone. Let us instead create a movement, a movement to save the Nort from its overwhelming oppression and misuse, and return it to it’s natural environment, a delightful world where people wear workout clothes for working out, just that, no more. Make wristbands; draw posters, whatever it takes. Just save the Nort, before it’s too late.

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class tim e

the crossword: the united states

the clues

2

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N E WY O R K

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Down The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. Subway 4 The United States Air Force Firehouse Academy is located here. Brioso marketing Team 356 7 Microsoft is headquartered Alana Rowman Pita Pit here. Todaro Zach Adamo Wingin It Flag 9 In 1861 the Confederate Loose Change photographer was first flown in this state. TD’s Victoria Cervone 10 The Badger State. Triple T’s Sloan first Street Tap 11 director This state was the toRoom campus Top of the Tavern Brendan ratify Bonhamthe 13th Amendment, Backstreets Pub abolishing slavery.Nicks Tavern Founders Overtime 12 Griffin Colonial blue and buff are this Molly Pepinos state's official state colors. Matt Clayton 14 This state hosts the nation's Brendan Bonham Atish Doshi most active volcano.

DOWN: 1) The state’s name is Spanish for “snow-clad.” 3) The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4) The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7) Microsoft is headquartered here. 9) In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10) The Badger State. 11) This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12) Colonial blue and buff are this state’s official colors. 14) This state hosts the nation’s most active volcano.

1

14

exact geographical center of this state. 15) The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. 16) This state had the highest state capital above sea level. (2 words) 17) The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state.

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C O L O R T A 9 D A O L 12 D A S E E B L A K L A H O M A W A A R E

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N E V Y L A N D D E A 7 W T H D A K O S 10 H W I I 13 T E N N E S G C 15 T O X I C O N N S I M O N T A N

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17

5

across: 2) The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 words) 5) This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. 6) The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. 8) Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic. 13) The city of Murfreesboro lies in the

C 5 M A L 6 M A I F 8 S O R N 11 I I L A 14 L H I A 16 N E WM O A I I S I

4

Down 1 The state's name is Spanish for "snow-clad." 3 The first motion picture theater opened here in 1902. 4 The United States Air Force Academy is located here. 7 Microsoft is headquartered here. 9 In 1861 the Confederate Flag was first flown in this state. 10 The Badger State. 11 This state was the first to ratify the 13th Amendment, abolishing slavery. 12 Colonial blue and buff are this state's official state colors. 14 This state hosts the nation's most active volcano.

3

oss first railroad in America found in this state. (2 ds) state gave up territory n Washington D.C. was ated. campus manager only state in the union Molly Griffin a one-syllable name. gis, located here,Manager hosts Advertising Clayton Black Hills Matt Classic Harrison(2 McSpadden orcycle Rally. Words) Frances Johnson city of Murfreesboro in the exact editorial Manager Chris Dart graphical center of this e. marketing Manager National Heather Cowboy Hall Castrillón ame is located here. distribution Manager state has the highest Austin LaFaille e capital above sea l. (2 Words) Writers largest Grizzly Bear Lauren Delahanty Chris Dart 48 ulation in the lower Meredith Davidson und in this state.

Across 2 The first railroad in America was found in this state. (2 Words) 5 This state gave up territory when Washington D.C. was created. 6 The only state in the union with a one-syllable name. 8 Sturgis, located here, hosts the Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. (2 Words) 13 The city of Murfreesboro lies in the exact geographical center of this state. 15 The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located here. 16 This state has the highest state capital above sea level. (2 Words) 17 The largest Grizzly Bear population in the lower 48 is found in this state.

1

1

Meet The Staff!

Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers

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