Clemson - 2/8/12 - v02i02

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Volume 2, Issue 2 2/9/12 - 2/28/12

theblacksheeponline.com

When Cupid’s Arrow

Goes Awry ashley fitzpatrick wrote this

February 14th, Valentine’s Day, the day of love and lovers; sounds good, right? Wrong. Neck and neck with New Year’s Eve, this is a top contender for the most overrated holiday of the year. Whereas New Year’s Eve is amateur hour for those sipping the sauce, Valentine’s Day is a way to drum up resentment among singles and couples alike for the sake of the almighty dollar. Drug stores have already lined their aisles with hearts and red bags filled with that special someone’s favorite candy. Can you feel the love in the air?

Probably not, the emotion that hangs heavy is anxiety.

Everyone wants the day to go smoothly. We all hint at what we want to happen, and in doing so expect our significant other to do exactly as we have planned out in our heads.

Girls dream of their boyfriends picking them up to take them on a romantic candlelit dinner, a stroll along the shore, and of course roses, jewelry, teddy bears, and chocolate. The gentlemen dream about the bedroom before during and after the sappy date. Well, not all goes as scheduled. Murphy’s Law is out and about on such a “perfect” day when we need everything to go according to plan. Cupid’s arrow doesn’t always hit dead center, which can definitely lead to an awkwardly memorable Valentine’s Day. The awkward dates to look out for…

The Fine Italian: So your man picks you up at your door, hands you a rose, and escorts you to the car where he has a card waiting for you on the passenger seat. Since the card reads, “you are the meatball to my spaghetti,” he is obviously taking you to the finest Italian restaurant in town. You shortly arrive at Olive Garden. You have a reservation, thank God, and are able to sit down immediately. He naturally orders spaghetti. As he is talking to you, you are laughing and flirting along. Now it’s your turn. You make him laugh while he’s eating and….UH OH SPAGHETTI-O. He’s laughing so hard

Other stuff

Inside

spaghetti comes out of his mouth and ends up on the $300 dress you spent all your food money on for this not-so-hot occasion. Awkward.

The Romantic Kiss: The date went perfectly: a moonlit dinner, dancing under the stars, and a phat dessert to share.

Sounds dreamy. You both seemed to have a wonderful time.

Your dad let you borrow the Lexus to take her to and from Calhoun Corners, and now it’s nearing the hour to get her home safely. You hop in the car, having a great conversation.

You’ve done everything just right, played every card perfectly and you’re certain you’re gonna get that coveted good night kiss. You walk her to the door, thank her for the fun night, and then you lean in to kiss her... neck. Awkward, denial.

What with all that sleep and binge drinking, one can never be buff enough.

see page 6

Inside the Mind of a Bro: Working Out at Fike

The Party of One: No significant other and all your friends have dates. You, my friend, are alone. With only a cat or dog by your side, you flip through the TV stations to find every channel is out to get you by playing only the sappiest love stories. The Notebook, You’ve Got Mail, Valentine’s Day, and then the one that pertains to you finally appears….He’s Just Not That Into You. Except it’s not “he,” it’s every single guy out there. Cue the waterworks. Now you have the perfect movie to complete the perfect(ly horrible) night. To top it off, the Chinese delivery guy just knocked on the door. Awkward face-stuffing.

Like many of life’s greatest teases, cold fusion, the Forever Lazy, or the Kardashian family ritual suicide, Valentine’s Day never quite meets the bountiful expectations we’ve set for it.

Best to just let it go. In the brevity of a candy heart, Be Mine Give Up.

Which late-night grub place reigns supreme?

That’s some food for thought.

Did you change your shampoo? Your hair smelled different last night.

see page 12

see page 13

Midnight Munchies: A Review

A Love Letter From Your Stalker

Table of > > > PAGE 4>>>

Sloshy Stereotypes

There’s a million kinds of drunks in this world, which kind are you?

PAGE 5>>

Don’t Drunk Text, Drunk Tweet!

page 5 >>

Top 10- Valentine’s Day Emotions

page 9 >>

Bartender of the Issue

page 10 >>

The Taco Bell Challenge

contents 4

Because it’s way better to publish your idiocy for the whole world to see.

Sadly, our editor wouldn’t let us put “hate” for all ten entries.

10

Chris at Wingin’ It things Gandhi was a pretty cool guy.

win or lose, you get to eat taco bell.

@BlackSheep_Clem Search: Black Sheep Clemson

page three

pic of the week >>> want to win

a very harold and kumar christmas

on dvd?

Obviously, right?

sorry bro #thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren’t invited to a party in your own house...

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Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman.

The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.

04

sloshy stereotypyes Jared Hornaday wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com It’s inevitable. Whether you’re the strict Saturday-only partier or the Legendary Liver himself, you’ve met more than your fair share of partiers. Whether it was last Saturday’s rager in apartment A, the blowout at fraternity B, or maybe the fan favorite party, where the hype alone was enough to trash your GPA. The possibilities for these magical nights are seemingly endless, and you’re ready to turn the bottle up. Although you can’t always prepare for what might be waiting for you once you walk through the shithouse door, you can always count on seeing more than enough of those stereotypical partiers who make any gettogether just that much better than the inferior parties your classmates are talking about on Monday morning.

companionship ever could. But there he is, on the other end of the beer pong table, in full glory. He even has his own uniform – Bland, scholarly glasses along with his bellybutton-high khaki cargo pants, and an intimidating watch complete with built-in calendar that provides the numbers for five different time zones. The worst part: he’s a beer pong fiend. I guess anyone who can triangulate their shots to pin point accuracy while getting sloshy deserves to win a few, right?

The Crowned Creep: Where do you even start with this chump? He’s the guy that nobody even knows at the party.

Never quite sure what he just did, or what he’s going to do next. Other times, he’s a classic case of can’t-handlehis-liquor. Some boob and butt in the room is pretty cool for him when he’s sober, but give him enough liquor and he won’t know blonde from brunette, seventeen years old from seventy, even one hundred pounds from two. If you’re looking for him, pay special attention to dark corners, outside the bathroom, or next to the babe on the couch that by no means has enough room for him. He’s a numbers guy – out of ten or fifteen, how could he not pull it off? At the end of the night, he filled his role well by providing endless laughs and a masterful exhibition of what not to do if you have the slightest desire to impress a lady. A thousand thank-yous, buddy.

The Sloppy Snooki: One cannot fault her dedication to school spirit. She rocks a full-body Clemson orange spray tan that could definitely land her a job as the new mascot.

If that gig doesn’t work, there’s always the food industry; I love carrots in my salad. Although she’s the embodiment of “Struggle Bus,” she’s an excellent multitasker. At any given point, she’s texting, doing work on a bottle of Arbor Mist, violently swinging her clutch, and hooking up with five different guys within striking distance, all while trying not to break her ankles in four-inch heels. Take a look around, she’s definitely in the room with you. Twenty-plus pieces of jewelry clanking together is pretty noticeable.

The Sleeper: We’ve all got him in one class or another. He and his fellow Sleepers are prevalent in your math and engineering classes, but are undoubtedly found in all majors.

We’re all judgmental by nature, and our judgment of the Sleeper is no exception. He doesn’t party. He’s probably the guy who got your party busted last weekend because variable calculus at 2 a.m. does more for him than female

Valentine’s DayFebruary 14th PLACE YOUR ORDER TODAY!

Again, there’s plenty of variety when it comes to the trippy people that you’ll meet when you’re out lousing it up. So next time you head out with your bros to explore the Clemson nightlife, pay attention to those around you. You might just meet a new stereotype on the prowl. Just try not to join their wolf pack.

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www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten

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Valentine’s Day Emotions Depending on relationship status, Valentine’s Day is the best for some and contemptible for others. No matter where you go in America, Valentine’s Day is celebrated, and they’ll even celebrate it on our 2020 Moon Colony. At Clemson emotions are in the air all the time, but come the 14th everyone around can see that you are in L-O-V-E or in H-A-T-E. So many mixed emotions circulate this day that it is sometimes hard to pinpoint. Among college campuses nationwide, these emotions take precedent…

10) True Love: 0.5% of students feel this emotion. Props to those who have found their life partner in the 1 out of 18,000 sex-driven students. Enjoy your V-Day, you actually have something to celebrate.

don’t drunk text - drunk tweet!

Meredith Nargle wrote this Since the advent of the cell phone, drunk texting has been a temptation to which even the strongest and most virtuous have fallen victim. Drunk texting has the power to ruin relationships, destroy jobs or educational opportunities, and convince people that you’re a crazy person hell-bent on getting laid, no matter the cost. Over the past few years however, a new outlet has been developing for those of the drunken texting habit: Twitter. Twitter is the ideal location for anyone who has indulged in alcoholic beverages to express themselves. The benefits of drunk tweeting are plenty but allow me to outline some of the best: You have an instant timeline of events: How many times have you woken up after a night of heavy drinking feeling confused, worried, or just downright scared?

Wondering to yourself, ‘What the hell happened last night?’. With drunk tweets, all you have to do is hold your iPhone over your face (because we know you’re too hungover to sit up and pull out your computer) and scroll through your Twitter feed the next morning. That bruise you just found on your leg? “stAirrs r my krip tonight” Problem solved. Don’t know how you got home? “i’Mv live. My cay bus frendS r THA nest!” You took the bus!

Not sure which emotional crisis ruined your makeup? “uLL mis me is ALL I havto say” Oh right, you got that text from your ex-boyfriend…asshole. Have no idea whose room you’re in? “ware am EYE?” Yeah, Twitter still can’t help with that one.

Fewer regrets: Before I transferred my drunk typing from text message to tweet, my subconscious trained my drunk self to clear my whole inbox before bed, knowing how shameful it would be waking up the next morning and discovering what had been sent to the most random of people throughout the course of the night. Whether

or not your drunk self is crafty enough to do this, the regret the next morning is the same. No one wants to ruin the grandeur of a great night out with the next morning realization that you drunk texted your mom, little sister, high school yearbook teacher, all of your exes, your stalker, and your homework buddy you’ve secretly wanted to hook up with. And let’s not forget the damage control efforts that have to be undergone after a night of drunken texting. You have to send out multiple apology texts, excuses, and explanations, and often this still doesn’t completely save the situation. With Twitter, even damage control is made easy. All you have to do is click “delete tweet” and the message is gone forever, no apologies, excuses, or explanations necessary.

It’s an easy tracking device: One of my worst drunk habits is wandering off alone. My drunk self finds the need to socialize extensively with people I don’t know.

Downtown or at parties, I circle the crowd, bouncing from one group of people to the next, making friends, buying drinks, and probably doing many other things I never remember (sick dance moves). If you have a similar habit, or have ever abandoned your group of friends in a drunken state, Twitter is for you! Twitter serves as a timeline of events, but also as a timeline of locations.

If you can’t find a friend and they are unresponsive via text, check Twitter, you’ll often find yourself lucky, reading tweets like “zOMG foun d free beer t wingn tit!” or a cryptic twitpic that looks strangely like a booth at TD’s.

So take my advice, tweet, don’t text, when drinking.

It’ll save you shame and damage control efforts, and will help answer many of your questions the morning after.

And plus, sharing drunk tweets with your friends makes for a great hung-over breakfast conversation.

9) Anxiousness: Aw, someone asked you on a date! You are so excited that you are about to pee your pants. Take a deep breath, go to the bathroom, and keep your cool. He/she is probably just as nervous as you are!

8) Hatred: The anti-lover. This day is the worst day of the year for them, a close comparable to New Year’s Eve. This person usually is a loner, possibly emo. If this day had a color, it would definitely be black.

7) Awkwardness: Everything is going haywire. You’re late, you didn’t zip your fly, you got a bloody nose at dinner, and to top it off the steamy night, you forgot a condom…dumb.

6) Jealousy: “Ugh, you have a date….I’m so jealous.” The invites to frat cocktails spurs feelings of jealousy. The envious get green, and are not pleased when they are overlooked for the event.

5) Depression: The day when you can reminisce and weep quietly about last year’s great Valentine’s Day with your ex!

Don’t worry, V-Day just got better, as depression comes in the form of ice cream with a lot of syrup.

4) Loneliness: One really is the loneliest number. Party of one is never fun to hear at a restaurant, especially on Valentine’s Day, especially if it’s you.

3) Girl Power: Alone on the 14th? Spice up your life. The Vow came out February 10th. Grab the gang and go see it on Valentine’s Day. You aren’t with a man, but who needs ‘em when you’ve got your girlfriends.

2) Happiness: This emotion manifests itself through laughter.

If you’re happy on Valentine’s Day you are either on a great date or making fun of people wearing pink, red, or both.

1) Lust: One word, three letters: Sex. At the end of the day, it’s what we all want. Let’s be real. On our mind the whole day, we can’t wait for that sun to set. The means to the end.

ashley fitzpatrick wrote this

feelin’ lonely? we heard that theblacksheeponline.com was tryna holla at you. go get some.

06

Inside the Mind of a Bro:

Working out at Fike

chris dart wrote this All right, iPod? Check. Cut-off shirt? Check. Lifting gloves?

Check. Enormous biceps? Check and check. Time to go get my pump on. Oh shit, I can’t forget about my Mega-Pump-NoExplode $90 protein supplement. Let’s do this.

What’s up sexy Fike lady? How you doin’? Like what you see?

Let me give her a little flex with my card swipe. There ya go baby. It’s okay to stare. She can probably tell I used to wrestle JV. I think I’ll start with a little cardio. Hmmm, 3 miles on 8mph sounds do-able.

(0.7 miles later) Holy Sh-Holy Shit (gasping). That’s enough.

I don’t need that much cardio anyway. At least I got a good glisten going on right now.

Okay, so yesterday and the day before, I did arms and chest, but I mean I did have to walk up a lot of stairs for class today, so I guess it’s another upper body lift today. That makes sense.

Oh! Look at that sexy girl on the elliptical. I wonder if Steve Jobs invented the elliptical. Guy was a genius. Okay, stretch time. A little of this...(grunt)...and that way...(grunt)...some of those...(grunt)...and one more of these...(grunt). Sweet.

Pump time. Headphones in. “Gettin’ Huge” playlist…PLAY. Let’s see, the bench press is open. Lay my towel down here so everybody knows that this is the Swell Zone. Look at those pussies using spotters. Man, their technique sucks. Take a lesson, boys. I think I’ll start with 45s on each side. I hope they’re watching this technique. Alright, here we go...(grunt)... one...(grunt)...two...(grunt)...thr--...Oh shit! (Fart)...Gahhhh...three. Oh my god I think I just shit a little. Okay rack it, rack it. I hope nobody heard that fart. I gotta go check my compression shorts.

All right, we’re all cleaned up and good to go. Just a little swamp ass. Working hard. Anyway, good warm up. Time to throw some 25s on there.

Let’s see, what is that? 185?

Baby weight. Way more than these pussies can lift. Why are those guys doing back squats? Back squats won’t get you laid, bros. Maybe I should join the lifting team.

185 pounds is big time. Here we go. (Looking in the mirror) Damn I look good. My hair looks great today. That girl on the elliptical totally keeps looking at me. (Head nod) I’m gonna go grab some water and check her out before this set.

Elliptical girl is totally looking at me. Sup babe?

Finally, bicep time. Time to get vascular! 50 pounds for ten reps sounds about right. (One…Two…) Yeah, come get some! (…Three…Four…) Damn I look good as hell (…Five…Six…) This is getting kind of hard (…Seven…) Close enough. It’s only warm up anyway. Yesterday I did 60, so today I should be able to do 70. (One…Two…) This is fucking hard (…Thr-) Whatever, I’m just tired. I’m so juiced right now. I’m thinking one more lap around the gym to see elliptical girl, while I still have this swell.

"look at that sexy girl on the elliptical. i wonder if steve jobs invented the elliptical. man was a genius.”

Okay, time for the big boy weight. I’m thinking a set of three here. Let’s go. (grunt)…one…..t-…….two…..Okay, okay good enough. I mean I am still kind of tired from yesterday. Whatever, I’ll just do some bicep curls in the mirror. I can’t start anywhere lower than 50. Damnit, that GDI is using them. Bro, seriously? I’ll just wait. Check out this pump I’ve got going.

So I’ve done bench and curls, what else is there? Pull ups?

Nah, I did those three weeks ago. Rows? I hate those. Uh, okay, triceps! Set the machine at…60 should be good. Yes, yes, look at those triceps. You could cut a diamond with these. They look like horseshoes. All right, that’s enough.

Where’d elliptical girl go? I hope she saw that. 60 pounds for four and a half reps? We’ll call it five. That shit ain’t easy. Whatever, I’m done anyway. This place is crawling with GDIs who don’t even know what they’re doing. They need a gym for people who can actually lift, like me. Anyway, I better hurry up and go eat at Harcombe before I lose my pump. Bitches at Harcombe love checking out “the pump.” And tomorrow I can do another “arms” day.

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SHOUT OUTS

Got a shout out? Email us at shout@theblacksheeponline.com or send them from our website: theblacksheeponline.com or send them from our iPhone/Android App

To the DJ spinning at the house party on Friday: You can’t clap along to every song and you need to lay down some beats that make people want to dance not have a seizure. And the song SHOUT is a horrible choice to end the night... you are the worst!

To Blaise, Idk if your gay, but after grinding me on the dance floor and begging to come back to my apartment with me, I was expecting a little more then what happened...and that wasn’t my name you shouted, which concerned me…

Nicole!!!! Is it still stiletto night if there’s snow coming down like kray kray?

Dear neighbor two doors down from me, I don’t understand what’s so fun about throwing phone books in the hallway, and why it causes you to yell.

Catherine, I don’t think calling our professor out on her feminist remarks is going to stop her from being a feminist, but you can sure try…and fail…

Dear milk, why do you always leave when it’s time to hang out with cereal?

Cereal and OJ just aren’t the same…

Matt, were you seriously holding hands with Megan while ON the treadmill?

Come on!

Lisa, the gorilla glue isn’t holding my shoes together…It’s making them bigger.

Mike and Jeff! I don’t remember the name of the game, but it ended with one of you getting your ear pierced and it was awesome! Let’s play again!

Dear dodgers fan from San Fran, I still love you. Also, Giants are way better.

Love, Girl who shares your bed every Saturday

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SPECIAL NIGHT 101 Canoy Lane, Clemson, SC 29631 WEDNESDAY: $0.25 PBR

(864) 654-5151

BOOK YOUR FREE MIXERS! Email crocsclemson@gmail. com or hit us up on Facebook & Twitter @crocsclemson

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Happy Hour Mon. - Fri. 4pm-7pm. .50 cent Wings and Half-Price Pitchers

$0.49 Boneless Wings

Thirsty Thursday College Night w/ HOT 98.1 QUARTER Drafts NO COVER, 21+

College Night After 5PM Half Price Pitchers (4 - 7) Any Sub, Chips, and a $0.25 PBR All Night!

Drink for $7

FRI

$1.99 Hot Dogs

Ladies Night All Ladies 18+ Free all Night Guys 21+ Free All Night

Half Price Pitchers (4 - 7) $5 Subs and Small $7 Chicken Salad Combo 1-Topping Pizzas from 3-6 pm (dine-in only)

SAT

$1.00 Off Chips and Salsa

Dance Party w/ DJ Energizer 21+ always free!

$7 #8 Club Sub Combo

Free Cheesy Bread with Purchase of Any Large or XL Pizza at Regular Price ALL DAY (dine-in only)

SUN

Come Watch the NFL Playoffs!

Sunday Funday $2 Drinks 9p til 2am!

Rough Night? Jersey Mike’s Has the Cure!

Large 1-Topping Pizza and 10 Wings for $15.99 (dine-in only)

All you can eat wings and fries for $9.99

GREEKS BOOK YOUR FREE MIXERS! Email crocsclemson@gmail. com or hit us up on Facebook & Twitter @crocsclemson

Half Price Pitchers (4 - 7) 1/2 price appetizers $7 #10 Tuna Fish Combo (excl. wings) ALL DAY (dine-in only)

$8.99 Shepherd’s Pie

GREEKS BOOK YOUR FREE MIXERS! Email crocsclemson@gmail. com or hit us up on Facebook & Twitter @crocsclemson

$7 #15 Meatball & Cheese Combo

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09

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Bartenderof the Issue

Chris Ehrenrich Wingin’ it

Major: Education

to break the ice!”

Favorite Drink: Bombay and Tonic

Funniest Thing You’ve Ever Seen on the Job?: Some poor girl was so drunk that she face planted on the floor in the middle of the bar

Favorite shot: Tiger Missile; Skyy Blood Orange Vodka in a Red Bull. Drink it like a shotgun Least Favorite Drink: Water What Celebrity do you Most Want to Punch in the Face?: Who else, Nic Cage!

Worst Pickup Line You’ve Ever Heard on the Job?: “Hey, do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Enough

drinking game:

deal or no deal Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/ girlfriend have played out.

What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day!

Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know.

Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty.

How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20.

- Each person picks a card one at a time.

- Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot.

-Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up.

- Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken.

-At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt.

NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power.

The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.

What Dead Person Would You Bring Back to Life and Why?: Gandhi. He seemed like a pretty cool guy What Superpower Do You Wish You Had?: Time traveling. Blacking out doesn’t count

Favorite Nicktoon?: Hey Arnold!

Boxers, Briefs or Commando?: Free as a bird, baby!

Worst Habit?: Alcoholism… but seriously, it’s kind of a big problem How Many 4-Year Olds Do You Think You Could Take in a Fight?: 36. Easy.

Guilty Pleasure TV Show?: Shipping Wars Favorite Drunk Food? Waffle House. Shout out to Brian!

He’s the best!

recipe for disaster:

Hummus A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war.

What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender.

Cook Time: About 5 minutes.

Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it.

Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation.

- Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment.

- Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic).

- Pour lemon juice into blender.

- Add salt as necessary.

- Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross).

- If necessary, stop blender to scrape the sides.

- Spoon into a serving dish.

- Scoop into your face with pita bread.

- Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day.

Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.

Beat The Black Sheep:

The Taco Bell Challenge

Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak.

That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us?

By Brendan

The Challenge

How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?

TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.

TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.

The Prediction

I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.

The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.

Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can.

Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting.

Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a coworker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it.

Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.

Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult.

Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this.

Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected.

Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people.

Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)

time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds

Are You In?

Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.

The Aftermath

Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain.

The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.

Don’t Believe Us?

Well, we videotaped the whole thing.

Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.

the entertainment page

oscar-baiting

On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.

The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!

The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.

The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a prim-and-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.

cd review

out now

of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers.

Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood.

Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that.

The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something.

Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs, and one

GRADE B-

of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay.

This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick.

Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming.

Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.

UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home

Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions

The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void

Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a down-andout urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot.

Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France.

While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.

Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream.

A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen.

The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?”

Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultraslow motion. Run time: 6 hours.

War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.

Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune

12

midnight munchies: a review chris dart wrote this Every time I drink, the nights all end the same way. No, I’m not talking about hugging the toilet bowl while I tell my girlfriend I’m sorry for peeing on her. (Although, to be honest, that’s not exactly rare.) I’m talking about promising whoever is driving me home some sort of sexual favor to get them to stop somewhere to get some delightful, greasy pig-out food.

Being a college student, even in the South where Busch Light is a mere $15 a case, funds are pretty low most of the time. And when I’m wasted, I tend to think that my bank account can rival Harry Potter’s vault at Gringotts.

So the decision of where to eat is key, because I know I only really need my grub to be two things: delicious and affordable. This way, when I check my bank account and see I bought enough food for four people last night, I don’t have to call my parents and play the “Mom, you know I love you, right?” card to get some money.

Based on my time here at Clemson, I have taken the opportunity to rate both food quality and affordability of some of Clemson’s most renowned fast food establishments for your future drunk endeavors: 5) Taco Bell/McDonalds (Tie): This one is tough. The top 4 spots were rather easy, but when it comes to the final spot, it’s a tie. In part, because Taco Bell is currently under construction, and also because both give me terrible next-day diarrhea. But they’re both cheap, tasty, and most importantly, fast. Dollar Menu and the Crunchwrap Supremes are key.

4) Waffle House: Bring a date, and the House is the best dinner and a show a college kid’s wallet can afford. Cheap, tasty breakfast food all day and night, entertaining drunken crowd and friendly judgment-free workers. You can’t lose!(I once saw a guy chug a full cup of syrup here, Super Troopers style.) Go for unlimited Waffles. It’s like, $4. Sneak a few into your pockets for later. (Cargo shorts can be cool!...sometimes)

3) Little Caesars: Great location, right near the parking garage with outdoor seating for barfers, outrageously fast, and it’s only $5. Oh, and it’s pizza. Who doesn’t like drunk pizza?

Mmm, Crazy bread.

2) Jugheads: The sleeper.

Get your favorite Clemson sports legend in a bun. (Ok, that sounded better in my head) …But seriously, delicious hotdogs, great service, it’s fast, pretty cheap, and did I mention the owner is an ex-football player? Best part? It’s not a creepy Kebab place anymore. Support Jugheads, go buy a Spiller…or two.

1) Cookout: My clear winner. And by the look of the crowds there every night, it’s yours too.

This place is made for drunk college students. Two drive thru lines? Lightning fast service? Five bucks for a Cookout Tray? How the fuck do they even do that? Oh, and it’s absolutely delicious, even when you’re sober! If you haven’t been here yet, transfer. But beware of next-day Cookout poops.

And so, there you have it folks. The best Drunk-Munchie-ablishments we have here in Clemson.

So the next time you’re out for a night on the town, don’t be afraid to whip out your wallet and buy us all Cookout Trays. I’ll have 5 bacon wraps please… Don’t judge me.

13

www.theblacksheeponline.com

A Love Letter from Your Stalker

My Dearest Love,

It eats at my heart that you haven’t returned my calls these past few months. Then again, maybe your phone is just broken, or you haven’t been able to check your voicemail in a while. It was so silly of you to change your number; you should’ve known I’d find it, dummy. As Valentine’s Day swiftly approaches, my mind dwells back on the times that we’ve shared together. The day we first met, for instance, when I followed you six blocks out of my way to tell you that I thought your sweater was nice. Or our one and only datew, which was the first time I ever had the chance to sniff your hair. I framed the napkin you used that night to remember the occasion, I have it hung up next to the lock of hair I took from you when I “randomly bumped into you” on the bus.

I figure if someone doesn’t keep things to commemorate our moments together, who will? You completely forgot about our anniversary of the time you held the door open for me before that class we had together freshman year. I waited for you outside of Foellinger for three hours so that we could relive that magical moment. It’s okay though, I know how busy you get; I’ve memorized your entire schedule.

Remember the time that I stood outside of your window in a trench coat and played “In Your Eyes” on repeat for 8 hours? Actually you probably don’t remember that because it turned out you weren’t home that night, apparently you didn’t spend the day at home watching your favorite TV shows and doing your laundry like you normally do every Tuesday afternoon. Were you with somebody? What’s his name? Does he love you like I do? I’m sorry about that. You know how crazy you make me.

Which reminds me, I slipped into your room the other night while you were sleeping just because I wanted to see you. Now I know I’m not supposed to because of the restraining order, but the pictures of you that I’ve stolen from your photo albums and covered the walls of my apartment with simply don’t fulfill my desires anymore. Besides, doesn’t our love being forbidden make it even more romantic? I’d like to think so.

While it does make things more exciting, it would be pretty sweet of you if you could have that order removed. I’ve been getting better, I swear. I’ve stopped sending you gifts, I haven’t sent your

friends and family threatening messages demanding to know what you’re doing in weeks, and I haven’t killed any of your pets in almost two months; although that’s probably because you haven’t gotten any new pets since the first two incidents. But all of these terrible things can just be some funny story that we tell our children someday. I think we should name them Roberta and Alexis, those are the names of my last two girlfriends, but let’s not talk about them, they’re gone now.

You are probably planning on spending Tuesday with whomever this new person you’re dating is, but if should you find yourself alone because they mysteriously don’t come to get you, don’t let your mind dwell on the possibility that someone has repeatedly hacked them up and buried their severed body parts in my backyard. Think of calling me, who has always been with you even when you didn’t realize it.

Truly, Madly, Deeply Yours, Stephen P.S. If you do decide to call me, I promise I’ll untie your mother from my basement and let her go home.

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the crossword: animal mascots

8 9 10 11 12

E M F R O G

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Down answers >> The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon.

2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, Subway Little Ceasers Jersey Mikes Brackett Hall Grouchos El Jimadore The Shoeboxes totally makes sense. (2Firehouse Words) marketing Teammascot that can Brioso Burger Joint Columbos Pizza Fike Recreation Center 4 A beer drink 356 The Bronze Tiger Monterreys The Horseshoe Dorms Alana Rowman like a horse.

Pita Pit Senn’s Flowers on Sloan Hudson Bagel Harcombe Dining Hall Zach Adamo 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly Todaro Tiger Properties Mojo Coffee Shilletter Dining Hall Ryan DeMattia called this.

Wingin It Ultratan Tony’s Pizza Sirrine Study Room 7 director This Linux penguin isLoose dressed Changefor Hair South Beef O’ Bradys Cooper Library campus TD’s Croc’s Clemson Off the Vine University Village a formal event.

Brendan Bonham Triple T’sas MH Frank Bojangles Famous Chicken Chimney Ridge 8 He's a tired mascot, but not Top of the Tavern Blue Berry Frog and Biscuits Crawford tired as those damn cavemen.

Founders Backstreets Pub Woodstone Pita Friars Tavern The Woodlands 9 Griffin This tall toy pusher can reach Molly Nicks Tavern Osaka Mellow Mushroom The Retreat the top shelf of the Legos.

Overtime Cookout Esso Greek Houses Matt Clayton Pepinos (3 Student Union Street Teams Brendan Bonham 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants.

Moes Waffle House Hendrix Student Center MORE! Atish Words) Doshi Heather-Jo Erickson 14 How many licks does it take him Jimmy DeBlasio to get to the center of your Jessica Sommers mom? (2 Words) The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is 15 These animals hawked a for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. designed Questions?

3-syllable beer.

Please drink...responsibly and legally. info@theblacksheeponline.com 1

Meet The Staff!

marketing Manager Heather Castrillón distribution Manager Austin LaFaille Writers Ashley Fitzpatrick Chris Dart Jared Hornaday Meredith Nargle

DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon.

2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse.

5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this.

7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event.

8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen.

9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos.

10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

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class tim e

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across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans.

17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 6 7 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S

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the clues Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans.

17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)

1

Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon.

2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse.

5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this.

7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event.

8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen.

9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos.

10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

class tim e

class tim e

m.a.s.h

tally box

what does your future hold?

Wife • Ashley Tisdale • Ashley Judd • Ashley Olsen • Ashy Larry

Met At • Court-ordered community service • Westboro Baptist Church protest • Disco Lovers Anonymous meeting • The champagne room Theme Wedding • Pirates of the Buttibbean • Kris and Kim Take Two • Our Love Is Deeper Than Our • Cuts (Emo)

• Threesome With Jesus Favorite Hobby • Tandem peeping Tom • Choreographed butchery • Amateur casket building • Self-righteous indignation Date Night Movie of Choice • Weekend at Bernie’s 2 • Gigli

• Weapons of Ass Destruction 4 • Schindler’s List First Child’s Name • Destiny • Nebuchadnezzar • Dipshit • Krystal Housepet • Giant cockroach • Wild boar • Gimp • Primordial ooze

class tim e

Husband • Jon Stewart • John Goodman • Johnny Depp • Zombie John Wayne Gacy

A Clemson Tradition | Est. 2002

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