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Volume 1, Issue 4 | 10/27/11 - 11/16/11 | www.theblacksheeponline.com
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The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Inside the Mind of an Underage Bro Downtown Chris dart wrote this “This fake ID was the best purchase ever. Downtown is gonna be insane! I just have to remember the details. OK, “Jeff Longer, 15 Maple Drive, birthday is February 22, 1989.” And if they ask, I had surgery. Good stuff. I’m so golden. Ok, almost there. Wow I’m getting kind of nervous now. What if they turn me down? Will the cops just arrest me right there? Ah, this was such a bad idea! My dad is gonna kill me if I get arrested. Maybe I should just tell the guys I’m feeling sick. NO! No, I can’t do that. They’ll think I’m a little girl. Ok Jeff Longer, it’s time to quit being a wuss. You look like you’re 21. You have a mustache. Just remember, be cool. “Jeff Longer, 15 Maple Drive, birthday is February 22, 1989.” We’re here. Time to be a man. Holy hell that bouncer is huge, he looks like a swollen Shaft. Haha, swollen shaft. Ok, where is my ID? I lost my ID! Oh wait, I got it. Stop shaking. Here you go bouncer. “Hey, Jeff Longer, 15 Maple Drive, birthday is February 22, 1989.” Ahh, why
Other stuff
Inside
the hell did I just say that to him? He’s gotta know I’m underage now. He’s looking at me weird, I’m so busted. I wonder how much it is to get bailed out of jail. Wait, he gave me back my ID. Oh hell yeah, it worked! I’m in! Nothing can stop me. I am THE man. First round is on me. (1 hour later) I’ve been here for like two hours and I haven’t moved from the same four-foot square. This sucks. It’s so packed, that girl sucks at karaoke and some kid just spilled on my Sperrys. Oh no! That dude right there looks like S.L.E.D. Quick, look older. Use the serious face. Drink your beer. Act like you belong. Ok he’s gone. I need another beer. I’m not drunk enough for this. (Two pitchers later) I’m so drunk. If I have another PBR I’m gonna barf my face off. I need Cook Out, now. Or Jugheads. I’d murder a family of puppies for some Jugheads. Wait—Whoa, is that girl looking at me? She’s pretty sexy. I mean lose the lazy eye and we’re in business. Whatever, I’m drunk; I’ll deal with it in the morn-
04: Exes and Oh My God’s
Like significant others, some break-ups are far worse than others.
ing. Tonight I need some action. Dude, she is staring directly at my package. With her good eye. I think. Wait, which one is her good eye? Dammit. She’s not. Whatever. She had a lazy eye anyway. But her friend has a nice ass. Sip your beer and look around. Act natural. Aaaaand catch another glimpse. Nice. Time to make my move. Ok what do I do? Should I buy her a drink? Dammit I have no money. I can’t believe I spent $122 bucks already. This place is way too expensive. I wish I didn’t give that bartender a $10 tip. For what? Holding my pitcher to the tap! Ok, I’m gonna go talk to this slampiece. Wait what do I say? Ok here it goes…“Hey, Jeff Longer, 22.” Why the HELL did I just tell her my age? She totally thinks I’m a creep. “Hey, Katie Herman, 23.” “Oh shit, Miss Herman?!” (Leaving) Thank God this night is over. I spent $122 bucks, hit on my English 103 professor, and threw up in Pita Pit. Tuna was definitely a bad choice. But as for downtown? I’ll be back. And next time I’ll stay out past 11:45.
05: A Clemson Guide to Fast Food
There’s four dollars left in your bank account, what do you do?
06: That’s Fawkward
How to deal with those situations where an awkward silence isn’t going to cut it.