Volume 1, Issue 3 | 10/07/11 - 10/27/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
a guide to being Trick Or Treated Chris dart wrote this
Now that trick or treating days are long gone (or at least they should be, you losers) I find myself wondering what kind of house I’m going to be when I’m older. Since I’m pretty awesome, I have it in my head that I’ll be the king-size candy bar house that everyone loves. But since that’ll probably be expensive, I’m not completely throwing out the idea of putting an empty bowl outside with a “Take One” sign to give the impression some punk kid already jacked the whole bowl of treats. But that’s in a few years. Right now I’m stuck in limbo. I know I’m too old to go trick or treating, but I think I’m too young to buy candy for any trick or treaters. And although we live in a college town, for the past two Halloweens I’ve had my door knocked on by kids looking for treats. Obviously, I was completely unprepared. I had no candy. You can’t just turn them around empty handed. They’re dressed up like cowboys. It’s adorable. Time to improvise. Last year we poured in Cap’n Crunch. Two years ago was Pop-Tarts. Just give them something…Anything! Well, not just anything, there are guidelines you should follow unless you want to be either arrested or yelled at by a few definitely not MILFs:
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Inside
Trick or Treat DO’s: Potato Chips/Cereal – Go on, just pour them right in there. There you go. Nothing better than a good crunch when they toss their full pillowcase on the table at day’s end. That’s just the sound of a successful night. Money – If funding allows, give them each some change. I feel like the exchange rate for 7-year-olds is enormous. Right now, to you, one dollar is nothing. But when you were 7, one dollar probably seemed like you were halfway to buying your own Kool-Aid water fountain. So give them a dollar or two. Halfway to a new pack of Pokemon cards? Hell yeah they are. Popcorn – Just grab a package of popcorn and toss it right in there. Good stuff. Ramen – I know you got plenty of ramen. Give them the beef flavor. That one sucks anyway.
05: art of the fake smile
Girls are really incredible at faking everything.
Trick or Treat DON’Ts Condoms – There’s nothing more wrong than giving a 7-year-old condoms for Halloween. The come in small, brightly colored packages, and some even have flavors on the package. Hell, if I didn’t know any better I’d probably try to eat them. Keep these in the drawer. Beer – Why waste the beer? Plus, you’d be put in jail. A Lighter – Yes, you may have 20 half used lighters lying around. But lets not forget, these make fire. We don’t need all of Clemson up in flames because your dumb ass gave the entire fourth grade half-used destruction starters. Fruit – Fruit sucks. And so, there you have it: A quick guide to being trick or treated. This year if a trick or treater comes while you’re just starting to crush your first brew, you’ll know that when that little Power Ranger leaves your front step he’ll be doing so with a pillowcase full of ramen and a heart full of joy. Well, probably.
05: night games
stop dreaming and waKE UP, IT’S TIME FOR THE NIGHT GAME!
12: different types of wine drinkers
are you a snob, or is franzia just fine?