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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 1, Issue 3 9/6/12 -9/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepusc
Gamecocks Blocked from Vanderbilt Stadium staff wrote this Nashville was the site of many frustrated football fans last Thursday, August 30th, but not because of anything that happened on the gridiron. In a new, controversial policy regarding entry to its football stadium, Vanderbilt University is making people who wish to enter answer a general-knowledge question before allowing them into the stadium. The measure was enacted in response to a worrisome trend in which the majority of fans at any given Vanderbilt game were rooting for the opposing team. The rule’s intent is to promote Vanderbilt’s well-known standing of high academic achievement, and make sure that anybody who enters the stadium can measure up to the school’s prestigious scholastic reputation. Every single Carolina fan that traveled to Nashville to root on the Gamecocks in their season opener was denied access to the stadium, leaving hordes of enraged football fans to find some nearby venue where they could view the game on TV. Despite the criticism, the policy seemed to have the desired effect: the lone Vanderbilt football fan who showed up was able to correctly answer his question and enthusiastically cheered on his team with cries of “We can outsmart them!” The new policy does not just apply to fans, however. Football players and coaches alike were posed the same types of questions before they were granted entry to the stadium. The Commodores had no issues, as the entire team and staff easily provided the correct answers to questions such as “What sport are you about to play?” and “What is your favorite color?” “I don’t really know why everyone else had so much trouble with this new policy,” said Vanderbilt starting quarterback Jordan Rodgers. “I don’t really think the questions were that hard. Now, I admit, I almost tripped up on mine—I just couldn’t remember whether there were any silent letters in “dog” or not. But I pulled it out in the end.” South Carolina, on the other hand, struggled with their questions. Especially hurtful was starting quarterback Connor Shaw’s inability to recite the entire third act of Shakespeare’s King Lear. Head coach Steve Spurrier simply threw his visor on the ground and stormed away when he was asked to provide the full taxonomy of the sea snail species Egila virginiae. Things looked hopeful when a Vanderbilt official accidentally read a question intended for a Commodores player to Gamecock de-
Confused Partygoers Can’t Find Booze in Thomas Cooper
fensive end Jadeveon Clowney. Clowney was asked, “What is your name?” only to accidently blurt out “Gerald Dixon!”
for sixty minutes, Yates did the best that he could to keep the score respectable.
“I just panicked,” said Clowney, “everyone was getting impossible questions, and I thought it was a trick.”
“It was kind of hard attempting to snap the ball to myself, escape the pressure, chuck the ball in the air, and then run a good enough route to get some separation and make the catch,” said Yates. “But that was cake compared to trying to block for myself on kick returns. I feel like I performed a lot better in the second half, though. Probably because of that inspirational locker room speech I gave myself at halftime. That really helped me to stick it out ‘til the end.” South Carolina won the game, 35-3.
All told, the only member of the Gamecocks team to make it past security was placekicker Adam Yates, who was able to successfully name the sixty-six moons of Jupiter. Faced with the imposing task of playing one versus eleven football
what’s inside
THey never learnt the Boozy decimal system.
South Carolina Runs Party Train
That Freshman Kid Who Goes Home
Hey, different strokes for different folks.
Because no woman at USC could ever live up to his mom.
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