Page 1

Quarterback shuffle

Joke’s on you

Following in the footsteps of Russell Wilson, former Maryland quarterback Danny O’Brien will transfer to Wisconsin +SPORTS, page 8 University of Wisconsin-Madison

Check inside for our annual April Fools’ Day Issue Complete campus coverage since 1892


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Supreme Court may hear voter ID appeal By Jacob Riederer The Daily Cardinal

The recently suspended voter ID law may be reinstated if the Wisconsin Supreme Court decides to hear a challenge to the ruling and determines the law is constitutional. The Second and Fourth District Appeals Courts asked the Supreme Court Wednesday to hear an appeal filed by the Wisconsin Department of Justice in response to the rulings made earlier this month by Dane County Circuit Judges Richard Niess and David Flanagan that the law unconstitutionally infringes on the right to vote.

The bill, which would require constituents to present a stateissued ID card, valid driver’s license, U.S. passport, a student ID or a military ID at the polls in order to vote, was passed and implemented last November. Voces de la Frontera, and the League of Women Voters then filed lawsuits on the grounds the Voter ID bill disenfranchises minorities, the poor, and those who lack proper identification. Supporters of the bill say the law is necessary to prevent voter fraud. The appeal comes days before Mark Kauzlarich/the daily cardinal

voter ID page 3

Ron Paul will now speak at Terrace Presidential hopeful Ron Paul will now be holding his on-campus town hall meeting at the Memorial Union Terrace Thursday, instead of at the Stock Pavilion. People can pre-register to enter early, but doors will open to the general public at 6:30 p.m. and walk-ins are welcome. The event starts at 7:00 p.m. With the April 3 primary approaching, many of the Republican candidates have made plans to visit Wisconsin,

but Paul will be the first of the candidates to visit UW-Madison. Former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum visited Wisconsin Wednesday and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney plans to arrive in Milwaukee March 31. Although Romney is currently leading in delegates, a win for Santorum in Wisconsin could prove to be a game-changer. Paul is currently behind both Romney and Santorum in most polls.

Aaron McEvoy, the chair of UW-Madison’s Young Americans for Liberty, promoted U.S. Rep. Ron Paul’s visit to campus by dressing up as a TSA, or ‘Titty Squeeze Agent,’ Wednesday.

GOP primary is ‘pause’ from recalls Expert: primary not impacted by recall climate By Jack Casey The Daily Cardinal

As former U.S. Senator Rick Santorum looks to make up ground against former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney during Wisconsin’s open Republican primary April 3, Wisconsin voters are preoccupied with Wisconsin’s own political turmoil. The primary falls in the middle of the recall process against Gov. Scott Walker and state senators that has captured the state’s attention, said political science professor Barry Burden. “[The primary] is going to

be a brief pause from [the recall process] for this week. As soon as it’s over I think the news about the recall will ramp up again,” Burden said. Burden said voters’ opinions about the recall process would have little impact on the way they cast votes for the primary, but the volatile political atmosphere that has defined the state could polarize voters in the general presidential election next fall. While Wisconsin voters have been distracted from the upcoming primary, the state could make or break Santorum’s chances to be nominated. Santorum’s potential success will hinge on his ability to gain votes from Wisconsin’s rural population. In earlier primaries, Santorum has carried rural voting districts while Romney

relies more so on urban and suburban voters. UW-Madison College Republicans will not endorse a particular candidate but Chair Jeff Snow stressed how important winning Wisconsin is for Santorum’s campaign.

“As soon as [the primary] is over I think the news about the recall will ramp up again.” Barry Burden political science professor

“Wisconsin is more Santorum friendly than most of the upcoming states, so if he doesn’t win Wisconsin he has

primary page 3

City will not allow food vendors at Mifflin Officials decide vending causes safety concerns ON Campus


UW Student Ibrahim Raheem performs at the Muslim Students Association’s Fast-a-thon. This year’s theme was Muslims Got Talent. + Photo by Shoaib Altaf

City officials decided Wednesday food vendors will not be allowed at the 2012 Mifflin Street Block Party. While the Vending Ove r s i ght C o m m it t e e approved changes to an ordi-

nance allowing the city to set up temporary vending sites for any special event in the southeast campus area, city officials said vending will not be allowed at the party because of safety concerns. Ald. Mike Verveer, District 4, said the Madison Police Department and the city’s Risk Management committee advised Mayor Paul Soglin that vending sites would be an obstruction in the event of

an emergency. In the event of an emergency, the presence of food vendors would make it more difficult for the police department to close and clear the street, according to city Alcohol Policy Coordinator Mark Woulf. Vendors may still set up as close to the party as the 300 block of Mifflin Street, which is outside of the southeast

mifflin page 3

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”

page two Among the monsters of Gwar tODAY: mostly sunny hi 58º / lo 41º



Thursday, March 29, 2012

friday: chance o’ rain hi 57º / lo 38º

An independent student newspaper, serving the University of Wisconsin-Madison community since 1892 Volume 122, Issue 49

2142 Vilas Communication Hall 821 University Avenue Madison, Wis., 53706-1497 (608) 262-8000 • fax (608) 262-8100

News and Editorial

Editor in Chief Kayla Johnson

Managing Editor Nico Savidge

News Team News Manager Alison Bauter Campus Editor Alex DiTullio College Editor Anna Duffin City Editor Abby Becker State Editor Tyler Nickerson Enterprise Editor Scott Girard Associate News Editor Ben Siegel Features Editor Samy Moskol Opinion Editors Matt Beaty • Nick Fritz Editorial Board Chair Samantha Witthuhn Arts Editors Riley Beggin • Jaime Brackeen Sports Editors Ryan Evans • Matthew Kleist Page Two Editors Rebecca Alt • Jacqueline O’Reilly Life & Style Editor Maggie DeGroot Photo Editors Mark Kauzlarich • Stephanie Daher Graphics Editors Dylan Moriarty • Angel Lee Multimedia Editors Eddy Cevilla • Mark Troianovski Science Editor Lauren Michael Diversity Editor Aarushi Agni Copy Chiefs Jenna Bushnell • Mara Jezior Steven Rosenbaum • Dan Sparks Copy Editors Lauren Krupp

Business and Advertising Business Manager Emily Rosenbaum Advertising Manager Nick Bruno Senior Account Executives Jade Likely • Philip Aciman Account Executives Dennis Lee • Chelsea Chrouser Emily Coleman • Joy Shin Erin Aubrey • Zach Kelly Web Director Eric Harris Public Relations Manager Alexis Vargas Marketing Manager Becky Tucci Events Manager Andrew Straus Creative Director Claire Silverstein Copywriters Dustin Bui • Bob Sixsmith The Daily Cardinal is a nonprofit organization run by its staff members and elected editors. It receives no funds from the university. Operating revenue is generated from advertising and subscription sales. The Daily Cardinal is published weekdays and distributed at the University of WisconsinMadison and its surrounding community with a circulation of 10,000. Capital Newspapers, Inc. is the Cardinal’s printer. The Daily Cardinal is printed on recycled paper. The Cardinal is a member of the Associated Collegiate Press and the Wisconsin Newspaper Association. All copy, photographs and graphics appearing in The Daily Cardinal are the sole property of the Cardinal and may not be reproduced without written permission of the editor in chief. The Daily Cardinal accepts advertising representing a wide range of views. This acceptance does not imply agreement with the views expressed. The Cardinal reserves the right to reject advertisements judged offensive based on imagery, wording or both. Complaints: News and editorial complaints should be presented to the editor in chief. Business and advertising complaints should be presented to the business manager. Letters Policy: Letters must be word processed and must include contact information. No anonymous letters will be printed. All letters to the editor will be printed at the discretion of The Daily Cardinal. Letters may be sent to opinion@

Editorial Board Matt Beaty • Nick Fritz Kayla Johnson • Jacqueline O’Reilly Steven Rosenbaum • Nico Savidge Ariel Shapiro • Samantha Witthuhn

Board of Directors Jenny Sereno, President Kayla Johnson • Nico Savidge Parker Gabriel • John Surdyk Melissa Anderson • Nick Bruno Don Miner • Chris Drosner Jason Stein • Nancy Sandy Tina Zavoral

© 2012, The Daily Cardinal Media Corporation ISSN 0011-5398

For the record Corrections or clarifications? Call The Daily Cardinal office at 608-262-8000 or send an e-mail to

Nico Savidge savidge nation


ou think you’re ready for it. You really think you are. Y o u think that if you tell yourself what will happen enough times—if you repeat the idea ad nauseam to friends who ask what concert you’re going to—that the prospect of watching imitation blood spray from a fake penis onto a moshing crowd of metalheads will somehow lose its power. Let me tell you, it does not. Last week, I discovered that Gwar— the heavy metal band that dresses in absurd costumes, purports to be a group of chaos warriors from outer space and is famous for shock-rock live shows heavy on blood, guts, blood and more blood—would be coming to Madison. In the name of journalistic curiosity, and because a Gwar show seems like the kind of thing one has to experience to see the lowest points of humanity (not unlike watching “The Room” or eating a Doritos Locos Taco) I decided to go. During my research in the days leading up to the concert, I learned that Gwar would likely spend a

good portion of the show spraying the audience with any number of fluids while acting out grotesque skits parodying popular culture and politics in between songs. Monday’s show would live up to that billing. The set began with an alien landlord having Gwar sign a lease

on their new “Apartment of Death” before he was swiftly decapitated by a band member. Blood sprayed into the crowd. A song began. Later the band invited their version of Snooki out, only to be disemboweled. Blood sprayed onto gracious fans. Then a mutant Nazi doctor from the Amazon came out and threw a bucket of radioactive slime on the crowd. He, too, was disemboweled. Blood sprayed. Perhaps you are sensing a theme.

But as Gwar came out for their encore, I realized the moment I’d heard so much about­­—when the band would shower fans with blood from a giant fake penis— had not yet happened. Had Gwar toned it down? Had they ditched one of their most famous and disgusting moves?

his Cuttlefish loose. For minutes at a time, it sprayed fake blood on the adoring crowd during Balzac the Jaws of Death’s guitar solo. The sight, for all I had done to prepare myself for it, was incredible. It’s one of those things you can’t truly understand until you see it—like the Grand Canyon or Northern Lights, if you replace stunning natural beauty with blood gushing from a green, rubber penis worn by a 48-yearold metal singer. The song eventually finished, the blood stopped and the Majestic’s house lights came on. Roadies and band members, some of them still partially in costume but with towels covering their waists (because now was the time for modesty), packed up the stage. Die-hard fans played in puddles of fake blood pooling in front of the stage. Others went outside for a cigarette. Others, like me, walked home. We would go home to grey satterfield/the daily cardinal families who knew nothOf course not. ing of the gore we’d just experienced, We had all noticed the two- or go to jobs the next day with cofoot green and yellow appendage workers who had never heard of hanging from lead singer Oderus Oderus Urungus and his Cuttlefish. Urungus’ codpiece, known as We would return to our lives, no his “Cuttlefish of Cthulhu.” I’d longer slaves to imperial warlords. assumed it was just for show and We would be human again. hadn’t guessed that it might serve But we would be, in some way, some practical purpose. Little did less human. Because holy shit, I know. dude, did you see the blood sprayDuring the final song—because ing from that fake penis? you must build up to the bloodGot some more shock-rock recomspraying penis, not just let the audi- mendations for Nico? Send it to him at ence have it right away—Oderus let

I come from a land down under Jessica reagan guest columnist


hen I landed in Los Angeles, people asked me why I came to the United States. I would tell them I came here to study, after which they would grow excited and proceed to ask me where I was studying. When I replied with UW-Madison, every person’s reaction was the same: They all looked at me, sometimes in fear, sometimes jokingly, and asked, “You know it is cold there, don’t you?” Of course I did. I had put some serious research into my study abroad program, and though my arrival in the great U.S. of A. in the middle of winter could be construed as crazy, I had chosen to test my limits in the freezing cold Wisconsin. The balmy West Coast winter was already starting to test this Australian’s skewed sense of cold weather. I was wearing a jumper

(a sweater) in the 70-plus degree weather and was not phased when the other west coasters did the same. I began to worry, however, when I noticed a trend as I told them where in the States I would be attending university. Each and every one of them responded in relative horror when I said I was off to Wisconsin. “Do you have a jacket?” they asked. “Do you know what you’re getting into?” I always responded with a confident “yes” and an eye roll, but in reality, I was in no way mentally prepared for the cold of Wisconsin (and apparently this was a mild winter).   Upon arriving in Wisconsin, I stepped off the bus into the midst of a night-time snowstorm, the tips of my fingers instantly freezing as I clutched the handle of my giant red suitcase. The snow clogged the wheels, and I had to drag the bloody thing a mile in what seemed like a blizzard. Turns out it was the

first real snowfall of the season, and a light one at that. With my puffy jacket and a brave soul, I eventually got accustomed to the winter. My winter amazement did not wear off, though, as I still stared in wonder at snow, resisting the urge to frolic on my way to each and every class. Beyond the snow, Wisconsinites have introduced me to some wonderful things. There have been fried cheese curds, snow angels on the frozen lake and plenty of beer. One of my more memorable moments was sledding on lunch trays. Frightening yet exhilarating, I sped down the hill outside Liz Waters, screaming at the top of my lungs and landing in a puff of snow, limbs tangled at the bottom. Best. Feeling. Ever.  Wisconsin has turned me into a person who squeals at squirrels, enjoys slack lining (like tightrope walking, only cooler) and is addicted to Ian’s Pizza. I am also

now a person constantly teased about my accent (it is tomahhto, not tomaayto). But I use my Aussie roots to my advantage. I have made a habit of testing the gullibility of pretty much everyone I encounter, letting them in on the completely true fact that Australians ride kangaroos everywhere and that drop bears are a legitimate risk when going walkabout. Wisconsinites are a gullible bunch. Seeing their faces when they start to actually believe me is priceless.   In short, I am having a great time here in the land of cheese, and with this warm weather starting to come around, I am looking forward to many more Midwestern adventures. Be sure to pick up the Cardinal after spring break for more columns from Jessica on her adventures in the United States. Have specific questions for her? E-mail her at

Whether you’re hangin’ poolside with a refreshing margarita or watching eight straight hours of “Arrested Development,” document your spring break shenanigans and send them to Page Two at And remember: Keep it real and keep it classy, Badgers.


Thursday, March 29, 2012 3


House fellow leads activities promoting alcohol-free week By Alex DiTullio The Daily Cardinal

Mark Kauzlarich/the daily cardinal

UW-Madison junior Jasmine Mans came forward to ASM student council as the victim of a recent alleged hate crime involving the Delta Upsilon fraternity.

Students urge ASM to take stand against hate crimes Mackenzie Chaffee The Daily Cardinal

Students urged UW-Madison student government leaders Wednesday to act against hate crimes at the university, saying campus is not a safe place for racial minority students. UW-Madison Junior Jasmine Mans spoke to the Associated Students of Madison student council, coming forward as one of the victims of the alleged racial harassment at the Delta Upsilon fraternity March 16. Mans said while the incident in itself was appalling, she was especially angered by how many excused the perpetrator’s actions because alcohol was involved. “The worst part of the incident wasn’t the words that were said to me, it wasn’t the bottle that was thrown at me, the worst part of it was the guy who ran up to me after the bottle was thrown and said ‘He’s drunk, he didn’t mean it’,” Mans said. Mans urged ASM to consid-

primary from page 1 absolutely no shot at the GOP nomination. It’s his last chance to get more momentum and delegates,” Snow said. Burden said success in the state would allow Santorum to “keep the conversation going” and stay competitive in future primaries if he is successful in Wisconsin. Snow said UW-Madison students will play a lesser role

voter ID from page 1 the upcoming presidential primaries and a month before expected recall elections against Gov. Scott Walker and four other Republicans for May 8 and June 5. If the Wisconsin Supreme Court hears the case, it is possible the Voter ID bill could be reinstated in time for the April 3 election. UW-Madison Professor of Public Affairs Donald

er the consequences of white privilege and discrimination that comes from a lack of diversity training in the student government. “This campus is not a safe place for students of color, and it is your responsibility to do something about it, “ Mans said. MCSC representative Amberine Huda said funding cuts to multicultural student organizations, such as the Multicultural Student Coalition, only harms students of color on campus. “Taking away funding or preventing an org from receiving funding for an initiative that will not only better themselves but the entire student body is literally not only a paradigm of the student voices but the incompetence that comes with that decision making,” Huda said. Also at the meeting, students criticized ASM Chair Allie Gardner and other student leaders for being arrest-

But the arrested ASM members stood by their decision to join the demonstration at the headquarters of loan provider Sallie Mae. “I was arrested for standing up for what I believe in,” said Maxwell Love, who was arrested at Monday’s protest. “I made a personal decision, and yes my ticket was paid for by segregated fees, but I made the decision.”

in Wisconsin’s primary election because it falls over spring break, and liberal students tend to outnumber conservative students. While students who will vote in the primary are expected to favor Romney, U.S. Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, is projected to do significantly better with students than he will in the state overall because he has a “dedicated” student following, according to Burden.

“He’s going to appeal to students who are really interested in libertarian ideas; wanting more freedom, less government intervention, paying less taxes,” Burden said. But Burden said even though Paul has raised the most money in Wisconsin, fundraising is not a good indicator of public support. “Paul often outraises his opponents, but is unlikely to win a single state,” Burden said.

Moynihan said it is unlikely the court will make a decision in time for Tuesday’s presidential primary, but did not rule out the possibility of a decision before the recall elections. “I think it’s possible for them to make a judgment before the recall election; it’s a separate question whether jurisdiction will be ready to actually implement the decision by then,” Moynihan said. In order for the case to be

heard before the Wisconsin Supreme court, four of the seven justices must agree to hear the case. Recently, Flanagan’s decision to block the bill has come under scrutiny after it was discovered that he signed the petition to recall Gov. Scott Walker who supports the bill. Few problems were reported in the February primary election in which the Voter ID law was in effect despite low turnout.

ed at a United States Students Association protest of student loan debt in Washington D.C. earlier this week. The trip was funded in part by student fees.

“This campus is not a safe place for students of color, and it is your responsibility to do something about it.” Jasmine Mans junior

As UW-Madison students awoke with pounding heads the morning after St. Patrick’s Day, one house fellow began a floorwide initiative to encourage students to find alternative activities to drinking. Ogg Hall House Fellow Bob Freidel planned educational but fun activities for his house, Rundell House, during the week of March 18 through March 25 that encouraged students to enjoy Madison without consuming alcohol. “I felt there was a need for promoting the idea of a changed drinking culture on campus,” Friedel said. “I’ve been getting feelings that the culture of drinking at Madison is having negative consequences on students and I wanted to encourage residents to find different activities to do on weekends that are substance free.” Events included a speed dating night and a study hall in the hallway followed by a trip to the midnight premiere of The Hunger Games. But Freidel said the final night’s activity was the most popular, as students competed in a scavenger hunt called “Bob’s Adventure Night” that lead students everywhere

from the Abe Lincoln statue to plunging into Lake Mendota. Resident Alyssa Bischmann said the night was one of her favorite of the semester. “It just shows that you can have a lot of fun without alcohol and sometimes it can even be more fun,” Bischmann added. While Freidel said students initially thought a ‘dry’ week seemed too idealistic, he said it gained momentum once the floor’s students took over and encouraged their peers to participate. “That is probably what the main turning point was,” Freidel said. “It was getting the main residents on board and kind of turning it from an event that was organized by me to an event which was something they all believed in.” To legitimize the week, Freidel asked his residents to sign an agreement at the end of the week confirming that they did not drink. Forty of the 41 students signed. Still, Bischmann said she would encourage students to enjoy the city sober, without it being an organized initiative. “Madison is a really cool city and it has a lot of activities and some things you can do that you can’t really do if you’re just partying all the time,” she said.

Absentee voting available until Friday Students, faculty, and staff leaving for spring break who wish to vote in the April 3 presidential primary election can still cast an absentee ballot with the Madison City Clerk’s office. The Madison City Clerk’s office will be open from 8:15 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Thursday and will have extended hours Friday from

8:15 a.m. to 6:30 p.m which is the last day to cast an absentee vote. The clerk’s office is located in Room 103 of the City-County Building, 210 Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd. Items on the ballot also include county and judicial board seats, and Madison School Board seats.

mifflin from page 1

In addition to the change in food vending, Verveer said police will have a greater presence at Mifflin. “I think we will see increased enforcement of various ordinances this year, but we probably won’t experience the extreme...police tactics that discourage people from gathering,” Verveer said.

campus vending area, according to Verveer. “I think it’s unfortunate that the Mayor’s office did not decide to take this attempt,” said Ald. Scott Resnick, District 8. “I do believe the addition of food is a good way to alleviate the effects of alcohol on the body.”

Grey Satterfield/the daily cardinal

City Alcohol Policy Coordinator Mark Woulf said food vending at Mifflin would be a threat to safety in an emergency.

opinion 4


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Magnino for board


s John Magnino and Leland Pan face off for a seat on the Dane County Board, both claim they will bring the student voice to the little-known governmental body. The Daily Cardinal appreciates both candidates’ perceived need for student input at the county level. We want someone with practical ideas to champion campus causes. We need a representative to expand student input further than their one seat. And we want someone to do this while promoting a positive student image. Magnino is that candidate. Magnino recognizes what are truly student issues. As a UW tour guide, Magnino said the biggest concern prospective students and their families voice is student safety. With muggings and sexual assaults headlining our paper every week, this issue’s importance is undeniable. While mainly a city issue that is out of the county’s jurisdiction, Magnino identified where the county can assist in making our campus safer. Noting the infamous murder of student Brittany Zimmermann, Magnino believes one way the board could help is to improve the current county-run police dispatch system that is often accused of failing to help Brittany. Magnino also noted the importance of the drug court as a way to prosecute non-violent crimes in a humane, effective manner.

We need a representative to expand student input further than their one seat.

While we admire Pan’s idealism and fiery activism, his platform issues do not align with his goal to “empower the student voice.” As a member of the Dane County Board, Pan said he would focus on the environment, protecting undocumented workers and anti-privatization. While Pan’s goals are well-intentioned and thought out, they are more aligned with public sector unions, WISPIRG, Student Labor Action Coalition and other leftist student groups, but not the student body as a whole. Magnino has concrete plans to institutionalize the student voice within the

view ASM misused money

Cardinal View editorials represent The Daily Cardinal’s organizational opinion. Each editorial is crafted independent of news coverage.

county board by creating a Joint CityCounty-Campus Committee. The committee, consisting of city alders, student representatives and other campus stakeholders, would serve as an open forum to address student issues. Furthermore, Magnino would promote the student voice by having more student voices on county committees.

Magnino plans, and has already started, to reach across campus to engage a diverse population of students.

If both candidates want the student voice taken more seriously at the county level, they must also be taken seriously as individuals. Pan has a track record of posting vulgar Facebook statuses about campus officials and setting a profile picture of himself holding defaced campaign signs while making suggestive gestures. Although Pan regrets his past actions, we worry he is not mature enough for the position. If we wish to instill a serious student perspective on the board, we cannot risk electing someone who may trivialize students by lashing out at a disagreeable board member. In a race where seemingly no students even know what the soughtafter position does, one major step to empowering the student voice is by clueing them into why the Dane County Board matters in the first place. Magnino plans—and has already started—to reach across campus to engage a diverse population of students from the Greek community to College Republicans to the Queer Law Society. With plans to work extensively with WISPIRG and other campus activist groups, Pan would mobilize no more than the campus’s usual suspects. Considering his pragmatic approach to tackling student issues and his right personality to promote a healthy public discourse, The Daily Cardinal endorses John Magnino for Dane County Board, District 5. Who do you think deserves a seat on the Dane County Board? Let us know what you think about the candidates by sending in a Letter to the Editor to

photo courtesy of twitter, @isnore (M. geoff murry)

ASM Chair Allie Gardner and SSFC Rep. Tia Nowack were arrested while protesting student loan debt. They used students money to finance the trip. Let’s start this editorial by making one thing clear: Student loan debt is a serious issue to everyone on this campus and everyone in our nation. Predatory lending places an undue burden on people seeking higher education and makes it nearly impossible for all but the wealthiest students to earn an education without graduating under a mountain of debt. Lenders exploit students while maximizing profits, and we need people on our side to fight for fair loans and responsible lending. Those people on our side can and should be the members of our student government, for instance the chair of the Associated Students of Madison. They should be a vocal student presence on issues like debt. On all of these points, we agree with ASM Chair Allie Gardner, Maxwell Love, Tia Nowack, Seth Hoffmeister and Michael Pincikowski. Beyond that, though, we have any number of disagreements with those five who were arrested after a protest at the Washington, D.C., headquarters of loan giant Sallie Mae on Monday. Gardner, Love and Nowack were in Washington thanks in part to funding from student fees. That last point is the most important: These members of our student government were in our nation’s capital thanks to our money. As students, we paid for them to fly to Washington and get arrested. The protest was part of the United States

Student Association’s annual Lobby Day, a chance to talk directly with members of Congress about issues important to students like loan debt. Also, part of the lobby day schedule, though, was the protest in front of Sallie Mae that ended with dozens of students arrested. Now, regardless of whether we think members of our government should be attending sit-ins as formal representatives of UW-Madison students, the real question is whether it was right to use student money to finance a trip, and a protest, that ends with top members of our student government in handcuffs. The answer is easy: No. If you’re going to ask for our money, you had better use it wisely. Don’t use it for an idiotic demonstration that only succeeded in getting a few pictures on Twitter and letting you walk with a smug smile as police lead you away. Here’s an idea: Why not use the money we give you for actual lobbying efforts? Because they were arrested, our student government officials missed meetings with congresspeople they could have lobbied (novel concept) on student issues. Instead, our representatives sat down in the office of a corporation that was never going to listen to them anyway. The issues students face are serious, and we need serious representatives to work on their behalf. Unfortunately, that’s not what we have right now.

Homeless Hotspots a good start to a generous program Jaime Brackeen guest columnist

Charitable acts are, for the most part, great. However, helping someone in need can sometimes walk a fine line between providing aid and creating negative connotations for the recipient. Bloggers and citizens have argued both sides of the case over the last few weeks in heated discussions over Homeless Hotspots (HH), which launched and met its end as a program at South by Southwest (SXSW) earlier this March. The premise of this innovation was to encourage donations to the homeless of Austin—a widespread problem directly affecting over 800 of those living in the city—while also providing a useful service to many SXSW attendees. The program coordinators gave

13 Austin residents who have found themselves without homes mifi hookups, which generate wifi and make them a “hotspot” for Internet access. Those needing immediate and convenient web service could stand near one of the providers and use their signal for the suggested donation of $2 for every 15 minutes, or $8 for an hour. Additionally, those 13 residents with the mifi wore shirts reading, “I’m {insert name here}, a 4G hotspot,” and below this phrase users could find the necessary SMS code to access the Internet. Donations were made to the specific person providing the service via a PayPal account and these same people were also paid an additional $20 a day. Let us first examine the positives of this innovation: HH provides a sort of income for (in a way), or at

the very least more incentives to donate to, people in need. It also provides the imperative service of Internet to the many busybodies of SXSW. The HH website also quotes many participants as saying they enjoyed the opportunity to speak with people and engage with them in more than the typical, brief exchange of a request for spare change or the dropping of a dollar bill in a cup. However, there remain some questionable aspects to this program. First and foremost: the name. Alliteration is a wonderful syntactical tool, but the word “homeless,” with all its perceived negative connotations, was the wrong choice here. Regardless of the reason for finding oneself without a home, the title of “homeless” is largely viewed as demeaning.

Others have also had qualms with the hotspotters wearing a promotional t-shirt. Those against it say it dehumanizes those wearing them and makes them seem more like an object than a person. Yes, the mifi-wearers were being used as a service and take on a semi-role as an object for use, but how are these t-shirts much different from a uniform for more conventional jobs? Where is the big difference between a down-on-their-luck Austin resident providing wifi in a designated T-shirt and the girls sporting tightly-fitting Jameson Whiskey tops at State Street bars getting paid to hand out free shots? We oftentimes find ourselves in a disconcerting situation when crossing paths with someone asking for money. Are they going to use it for food or drugs? Have they tried

to find work or are they just looking for handouts? The sad truth is it is difficult to tell the circumstances that made someone homeless without speaking directly to the person, which almost never happens. We are all guilty of turning a blind eye to problems that seem far too big to try to take on with one small act of kindness. It can be overwhelming and at times attempting to address the situation can bring on a maelstrom of criticism as it did with HH. Was HH executed with enough care and foresight? No. But at least the people behind the program are taking steps to bring awareness to a widespread problem that receives little attention. They have started the conversation, now it is up to us to finish it. Please send feedback to opinion@


What in the world?? DAILY CARDINAL COMICS ARE LOOSE!!! Thursday, March 29, 2012 • 5

Today’s Crossword Puzzle

Washington and the Bear

By Derek Sandberg

Answer key available at

KAMAKAZI WATERMELON ACROSS 1 Adding a leg to a hypoteneuse 6 After Tues 10 Lower the ____ bridge! 14 Now is the ___ to dance! 15 An ass, minus a “t” 16 Mama and ____ 17 Imma ride my _____ scooter 18 Spike, devour Rex 20 “A” borrows from his neighbor 22 SNL alum MacDonald 23 After I Do, I __ 24 Ice-T’s wife 26 Rhymes with “meteor” 28 Film Directed by Ben Affleck 32 King of Bascom Hill 33 Charlotte of “The Facts of Life” among others 34 The best way to describe “The Golden Girls” 38 Jim Carrey in a 1997 film 40 A key ingredient in purple drank (with cough) 43 What a river does, but spelled differently 44 She fucked me with a _____-on 46 That piano is Brian ____ 48 A feature on Reddit

49 An Irish spy whose name ends in with “Cover” 53 The best part of McDonald’s when you were a kid 56 A College that smells like cereal (with “St.”) 57 $240 worth of pudding is a ___ 58 Length of Justin Bieber’s penis 60 “Fish” in Spanish 64 A double play 67 Simpson’s character, with “Stu” 68 Czar spelled the other way 69 The cookie that’s in every crossword 70 Applause 71 A region that can’t support agriculture 72 “That’ll be a ____” 73 Adam Sandler’s character in a remake of a 1936 film DOWN 1 Not a Croat, but a ____ 2 Region learned about by playing RISK 3 Labyrinth (without David Bowie) 4 “A.S.A.P.!” 5 A rope made from sheep 6 I blew my ___ 7 No ivory 8 French for “two gongs”


If you catch mono from two people 10 Dicholorodiphenltrich -loroethane 11 Beehive, for one 12 Canny 13 Accumulates excessively 18 Short people do it? 22 A hairline can do it 23 Off one’s rocker 24 Obi-Wan before Ewan 26 Beat back 27 Tide type 31 Kisser or kitty 34 Advertising medium 35 Fireworks response 36 An anagram for “rats” 38 “Down in front!” 40 Distinctive and stylish elegance 41 A door, for example 42 Aberdeen resident 45 Break up dirt clods, in a way 46 Preliminary sketches 47 ___ Cuca-monga, Calif. 48 Bird with a bent bill 50 “Ars Poetica” author 53 Back row views, sometimes 55 Packs to the brim 56 Lover of Lennon 58 Box in flight 60 (From) a great distance 63 “The Sweetheart of Sigma ___” 64 All in the family 65 ___ out (barely make) 66 “Willard”’s Ben

Caved In

Tanked Life

By Nick Kryshak

By Steven Wishau

By Angel Lee

arts An idiot’s guide to everything metal 6


Thursday, March 29, 2012

By Cameron Graff the daily cardinal

I’m constantly astounded by the inherent hypocrisy of metal. The genre seems naturally limited—I mean screaming and raucous guitar can only go so far, I mean. There’s a sense of communal purity to the music as well; deviations from the established course are grounds for derision, mockery, and cries of ‘that’s not real metal!’ But despite that, I dare you (this is really happening, I’m actually daring you) to find a genre that’s sprouted such an incredibly diverse litter of subgenres. For as puritanical as the scene is, it’s also insanely multifaceted—often to the point of actual frustration. I know it better than anybody—to a little bopping indie kid like high-school me (whose ‘heaviest’ interest was the Chili Peppers) the world of metal was a terrifying and stupefying realm of upside-down crosses and burly, bearded men.

[Black Metal] is typified by simplicity over complexity.

It’s a highly rewarding scene, though, full of a wide spectrum of bands with varying ideals and sonic pursuits— there’s more to it than Hair Metal and Black Sabbath. So, with that in mind, I’ve taken the liberty of throwing together a little handy-dandy guide to the more exceptional spheres of metal. I’m by no means an expert—my word is miles away from gospel—but at the very least I hope I can shed a little light on what’s frequently a misunderstood and highly underrated culture. First up is Black Metal, probably the most accessible of the more esoteric metal branchesand almost certainly the most critically lauded one, too. The genre is typified by simplicity over complexity. Gone are the absurd shredding of technical death metal, gone are the ridiculous drum fills. Instead

there’s an extreme importance placed on atmosphere—repetitive riffs and blast beats (that is, manic 16th-note drumming with more concern for noise than rhythm) under screamed vocals with off-kilter subject matter (death, dying, satan, the despair of eternity—metal things, you know).

Grindcore and Doom Metal (and Doom Metal’s weird cousin, Doom Drone) are arguably the least approachable subgenres.

The scene may have divorced itself from them (since they’re not black metal, they’re hipster metal), but Liturgy are still a fantastic place to start with this particular niche. Past that, there’s Venom (whose album Black Metal basically birthed the scene), Burzum, Dissection, Wolves in the Throne Room, Agalloch and so on and so forth. It’s a tremendous scene and one that gets bigger by the day and certainly one of my favorites. On the contrary, Grindcore and Doom Metal (and Doom Metal’s weird cousin, Doom Drone) are arguably the least approachable subgenres. They rely on incendiary speed and almost painfully glacial pacing, respectively. Grindcore straddles the fine line between hardcore punk and metal- furious pace, screamed vocals, anarchistic and nihilistic tendencies and extreme distortion are hallmarks.

Sludge metal—go figure— has an inherantly sludgy, mucky, gross sound.

Inaccessibility isn’t a side effect, it’s basically the ambition; grindcore hates life and it hates you. Famous grindees include The Locust, Pig Destroyer, and Napalm Death, all of whom I highly recommend listening to once and then never again.

Meanwhile, Doom Metal is basically everything that Grindcore isn’t; speed and anger are replaced by trudging instrumentals tuned so low it actually might constitute as man infringing on God’s domain (and also more anger). The intention’s right there in the title—an impending sense of doom and terror is the modus operandi. Doom tends to overlap with a lot of subgenres, and mainstayers like Electric Wizard, Isis, Sunn O))) and Boris all tend to frequent other heavy, melody-less branches of metal. Drone Doom is similar but distinct in its approach; just like Doom, Drone Doom utilizes immobilizingly dark

instrumentals and macabre lyrical themes, but, true to its name, it tends to meld said traits with (very) long passages of droning noise. Earth were the forerunners of the scene, but acts like Corrupted, Jesu and Melvins have followed in their footsteps since. And, of course, there’s Sludge Metal, my own entry point into the scene. Again, the name really kind of tells you all that you need to know. Sludge metal, go figure, has an inherantly sludgy, mucky, gross sound. It’s one of Doom Metal’s many offspring, again putting a predominant importance on atmospherics and long, grinding passages of mega-distortion.

Unlike Doom, however, Sludge has a much punkier flair; fewer Satanic chants, more grunting, more riffage, more overtly political themes, etc etc. Bands like Harvey Milk, Northless (of Milwaukee fame) and Isis are fine examples, and, if it means anything to you, all three rank among my favorite bands. Sludge Metal, in turn, bred Stoner Metal, a genre spotlighted by the emergence of Kyuss (Queens of the Stone Age’s drugged up forefathers) in the early ‘90s. It’s kind of exactly what it sounds like; sludge metal’s slow brooding intensity mixed heavily with psychedelic music and the drug culture.

arts Making music, making brighter futures

By Jaime Brackeen the daily cardinal

When children start orchestra programs during fifth grade in Madison area public schools, demographics usually match those of the classrooms. However, by the time students are playing in high school, diversity in music programs is nearly nonexistent. Such is the dilemma for private violin instructor and Executive Director of non-profit Madison Music Makers, Bonnie Greene. “Public school programs are pretty much structured for the kids who have had private lessons all these years,” Greene said. “[The ones] who are prepared for it.” Five years ago, in an effort to narrow this diversity gap in the music programs of public schools and give kids who cannot afford private lessons a chance, Greene founded Madison Music Makers. Music Makers provides individual and group lessons to low-

income children in violin, guitar, drums and the recent addition of keyboard. Most participating kids qualify for a scholarship and therefore do not have to pay for what might otherwise be very expensive lessons. “Music study is expensive, so the people who come to my home for lessons with me are paying $50 an hour at least for lessons,” Greene said of the private instruction she offers from her home to supplement her income. “In a semester, that’s a big check to write, plus the parents have bought an instrument and when the child outgrows it they go buy another one and that costs a bit.” “If it breaks they have to fix it and then they have to bring them every week,” she said. “They have to be free to bring them every week. And so all of those things are impossible barriers for a lot of people.” Greene said even middle class

families often cannot afford music lessons for their children, especially if they have more than one child, and requests for the benefits of this program have only increased in current times of economic hardship. Michelle Palmer, 38, qualified for a scholarship but still pays a small monthly fee for her daughter MarElena to learn violin with Music Makers.

“The occasion when you see the kid starts to actually like it you see their eyes light up just a little bit because they have this... new interest.” Nathaniel Wolkstein UW—Madison Junior Madison Music Makers volunteer

“We still pay… but it’s not probably what it might otherwise be,” Palmer said. “This class is like half the cost of what it would have been to take the piano class that she has before, but we’re also in a different place economically.” Most of the families making use of Music Maker scholarships are not able to pay anything at all, meaning Greene has to somehow come up with the funds. So far, she has been able to purchase over 50 violins for around $500 each, meaning sustaining the program is an expensive feat. Music Makers received startup funding of $100,000 a year from the Madison Community Foundation and Pleasant Rowland Foundation, but after five years of buying instruments and paying the salaries of instructors, this initial money is long gone. Now Greene applies for small grants wherever she can find them. This year they were fortunate to receive funding from the National Endowment of the Arts for the first time. “You have to submit something that I consider the equivalent of a doctoral dissertation for these grant proposals,” Greene joked, though still somewhat serious. “They’re really very complex, but we did it and one of the board members helped me put that together and so we got money.” The generosity of others also fuels this non-profit organization. On December 6, local jazz musician Gerri DiMaggio hosted his annual benefit concert at the

Thursday, March 29, 2012 7 l

Cardinal Bar with all proceeds going to Madison Music Makers. The event raised $500—enough to purchase one violin for another child in need. In addition to fundraisers by fellow Madison organizations, Music Makers also relies heavily on volunteers. Along with Greene’s five paid instructors, area high school students and music majors from UW-Madison offer their time during Saturday group sessions. Christina Yin, 15, is a sophomore at Madison West High School and comes in just about every Saturday to individually coach students or accompany the lessons on piano. UW junior Nathaniel Wolkstein, 20, who studies violin, plays in the Madison Symphony Orchestra and has worked with Music Makers off and on since its inception. He heard about the program four or five years ago through one of his violin instructors and makes himself available whenever possible. He said he does it primarily because he loves teaching others how to play. “The occasion when you see the kid starts to actually like it you see their eyes light up just a little bit because they have this really big new interest,” he said. “They realize that they can produce this beautiful sound with this instrument right under them and it’s them doing it.” Music Makers works a lot with the UW Madison music department, utilizing student volunteers and in return giving them teaching experience, but Greene said she would happily accept volunteers with even a little bit of musical background. Cintia Reynolds does not play any instruments herself but functions as a key member of Music Makers in her role as family liaison. After moving to Madison from Bolivia a little over three years ago, Reynolds now acts as translator for the many Hispanic families with children in the program who do not speak English. With a background in social work, Reynolds said she loves her position. “I like to be here, I like to hear the music and be with the kids,” Reynolds said. Unfortunately, she has had to accept returned violins from some students who could no longer continue lessons, but she remained

optimistic for the children. “If they need to do it then we accept that, but we always encourage them to come back,” she stated matter-of-factly. In the meantime, other children reap the benefits of this unique program. Palmer is grateful her daughter has the opportunity to be involved with Music Makers. They just started lessons in the fall after MarElena, 8, had been begging to play violin for about two years. A slot opened up and they jumped at the opportunity because of the program’s many benefits. “I really believe that music helps you learn,” Palmer said. “If they do music now, they’ll be able to do better at math and science; they’ll be more motivated with their other studies just because, it’s like a discipline.”

“I really believe that music helps you learn.”

Michelle Palmer Mother of Music Makers student

This belief touches on the broader goal of Madison Music Makers as explained on the organization’s website, www. m a d i s o n m u s i c m a ke r s .o r g : “Music education gives students a reason to pursue all education, showing that it is possible to learn a challenging skill, with focused effort, over time.” MarElena first wanted to play violin after seeing someone practicing outside in their yard during the springtime, but she has continued to practice whenever she can this first semester because she truly enjoys the instrument. “I just really like the sound and I like the instrument and how you play it,” she quietly explained. “I just really like the violin and music as well.” Madison Music Makers brings together children from varying backgrounds— Hispanic, Hmong, African refugees, Chinese, Indian—but when they meet on Saturdays to practice their new passion, the music and experiences they make resonate in beautiful harmony.

jaime brackeen/the daily cardinal

The Madison Music Makers is a non-profit that helps low-income children learn to play instruments. Despite funding struggles, the organization continues to make a difference in children’s lives.




Former Maryland QB transfers to UW Former preseason ACC Player of the Year Danny O’Brien spurns Penn State, Vanderbilt; will join Badgers this fall By Ryan Evans THE DAILY CARDINAL


Danny O’Brien threw for 4,086 yards and 29 touchdowns in 22 games during his two seasons under center for the Terps.

With the departure of Russell Wilson, one of the biggest questions facing the Wisconsin football team for the 2012 season was its situation under center. Consider those questions answered with Wednesday’s news that former Maryland quarterback Danny O’Brien has decided to take his talents to Madison. “We’re excited that Danny has chosen to attend Wisconsin,” UW head coach Bret Bielema said. “From our dealings with him and all the things I have heard from those who have been around him, he is a tremendous person and has great character.” O’Brien chose the Badgers over Penn State and Vanderbilt. He is a redshirt sophomore, meaning he has two years of eligibility remaining. O’Brien visited Madison over the weekend, an experience he described as “unbelievable” to

“The vibe I got at Wisconsin was special,” O’Brien said in a conference call Wednesday. “It was everything I was looking for... It was the complete package: the style of offense, the coaches I connected with, the players I connected with, it’s a great area.” O’Brien will graduate from Maryland in May, meaning that he will not have to sit out a year after transferring and will be eligible to play for the Badgers during the upcoming 2012 season “I’m really excited to have two years [to play],” O’Brien said. “I think I’ll settle in eventually and it will feel like a new home.” Similar to when Wilson made the decision to transfer to Wisconsin last summer, Bielema said O’Brien will not be handed the starting quarterback job and will compete with redshirt sophomore Joe Brennan, redshirt freshman Joel Stave, reshirt junior Jon Budmayr and redshirt senior Curt Phillips in camp.

“As is the case with any player who joins our program, we have not promised Danny anything other than the chance to come in during the fall and compete for the starting quarterback position,” Bielema said. “He understands that and is excited for that opportunity.” O’Brien comes to Madison after two years under center for the Terps. In 2010 he threw for 2,438 yards and 22 touchdowns with a 56.4 percent completion percentage, which put him on the preseason watch list for the Maxwell, Davey O’Brien and Manning awards and was also named the preseason ACC Player of the Year going into. O’Brien started the first five games of the 2011 season for Maryland, throwing for 1,648 yards and seven touchdowns before he fractured his left arm, which ended his season. O’Brien said that his arm is now 100 percent and that he’s “stronger than ever now.” contributed to this report.

I will always be a proud Terp alum, but am hungry to get after it and start my next chapter in Madison! Lots of hard work ahead #JumpAround. DANNY O’BRIEN (@DANNYOBRIEN5)

Badgers have been powered by senior leadership in recent years PARKER GABRIEL parks and rec


oaches all across the country—and across all levels of sports—look to captains to provide teams with certain things. Most of the time, those captains are veterans (or, in college, seniors). Not always, of course, but here in Madison, we’ve had a pretty good run of seniors providing outstanding leadership recently. Some would argue that’s partially because here the attrition rate to the professional ranks is lower, and that’s probably fair. It’d be pretty tough for John Calipari to have a senior captain on this year’s Kentucky team. They’ve got three freshmen and two sophomores in their starting lineup. A bunch of them will likely turn pro after this season and the cycle will start again. They’re also in the Final Four, so from a performance standpoint it’s hard to argue with the results. I’m not going to spend the next few hundred words making a case for one way or the other. Both have worked, both have their shortcomings and most people are pretty much stuck in their ways in preferring one or the other. That said, think about the performances we’ve been treated to recently here in Madison, what we’ll see next fall and consider who it’s been provided by. Most recently, of course, is the work of Bo Ryan’s now-departing point guard, Jordan Taylor. It’s one

thing to consider all the big shots and ridiculous stat lines he made in his time at Wisconsin, it’s another to consider how he’s revered within the walls of the locker room. In his post-game press conference in Boston, Ryan said Taylor, “single-handedly brought [our] front line along during the year.” In the locker room, the guys who constituted that front line said similar things. Taylor, on the other hand, said, “They had that in them, it was just for them to come out and show it.” “I probably had a small role in that but I didn’t put all the talent in Ryan [Evans] and Jared [Berggren] and Mike [Bruesewitz], that’s not me,” Taylor said. “That’s them working hard on their games in the offseason.” There will probably be people who question Taylor’s senior year. It’s not like he was a sure-fire NBA lottery pick after his junior season, but his stats did decrease across the board this year and at least a few out there will interpret that to mean it was foolhardy to come back. To paraphrase Bo: If you’ve watched this team play, you know that’s not true. His body of work isn’t quite complete yet, though. It’s hard to measure, but it is also safe to say his role in growing the current roster will continue to be felt into the coming years. Shifting sports, it occurs to me that there’s another Wisconsin athlete who made noise by deciding to return for his senior season. We obviously can’t accurately predict the precise nature of Montee Ball’s impact next fall—though we can

guess it will be substantial. The public at large learned of Ball’s decision later than the guys in the locker room. He told them immediately after the team’s loss to Oregon in the Rose Bowl. It seems like a small thing, but imagine the uplifting impact that would have on a young core of guys, to have your best player tell you he’s not ready to be done playing with you yet. Even here, of course, you have non-seniors that become leaders from time to time. J.J. Watt was unbelievable in 2010 for the football team as a redshirt junior and became the pulse of Bret Bielema’s program. Justin Schultz may have worn the ‘A’ instead of the ‘C’ for the hockey team this last year, but made the players around him better and was obviously the guy they looked at to make plays in key moments. It happens at Wisconsin, just not as often as in some other places. Just in my time covering the Badgers for this paper, we’ve seen tremendous leadership from seniors, from the guys mentioned above to Aaron Henry last year and Jay Valai the year before. From Blake Geoffrion, Ben Street and, in a way, Mike Eaves’ entire 2010 senior class. Those guys experienced a national title as freshmen in 2006 and vowed to go back together. It doesn’t always happen that the star player of a team is also a good leader and a good example. At least recently, it just seems like it always happens here. Badger fans can be proud of that. How important do you think leadership has been across Wisconsin athletics? E-mail Parker your thoughts at

More coverage online: The Wisconsin softball team opens its home schedule this weekend against Northwestern. Read our preview of the series at

Earn $$$ and stay in Madison this summer. Road maintenance contractor accepting applications for seasonal employment. For more information call 608-842-1676

Washington and the Bear

Reactions to Danny O’Brien

Exclusive interview with Madison’s biggest sex symbols +ARTS, page C3 University of Wisconsin-Madison

Quarterbacks Joel Stave and Joe Brennan sob quietly together in the apartment they share under Camp Randall +SPORTS, page D6 STAVE


Complete campus coverage since 1892


Soglin just wants to relax

Ward prepares for week of ‘booze, biddies and beaches’ The Daily Cardinal

By Yams McYummy M.D. The Daily Cardinal

“When I was young, I Mifflined for a reason.”

Paul Soglin mayor City of Madison

Information Soglin told his secretary, his cats and his two ferrets, Abner and Erma, was released to the public after filing an open-records request. “When I was young, I Mifflined for a reason. I Mifflined to fight the power. Now these kids don’t know why they’re Mifflining. I don’t want to destroy Mifflin but just emphasize kids can Mifflin as much as they want in their own homes, in front of their television sets even, in their bathrooms, in their roommates bed, or watch others Mifflining on the Interweb,” he told them. By press time, no alders were available for comment because they were out Mifflining. Abner also did not return a request for a comment. In addition to Soglin’s new fight on Mifflin, he announced March 30 to be Facial Hair Recognition Day, where city officials who have kept the same facial clippings for over ten years will receive a cash prize and a coupon to Denny’s. “Facial hair plays an important role in our lives, and it’s about time we started acknowledging it,” Soglin said, while stroking his moustache.

Ward called up ex-UW chancellor Biddy Martin to see if she Chancellor David Ward left wanted to take a short trip to Madison Wednesday morning, Madison for a game of “chickseveral days earlier than expected, en” with him in Lake Mendota for his annual spring break trip to against Badger Athletics direcPanama City Beach, Florida. tor Barry Alvarez and Dean of “Adios, bitches!!!” shouted Students Lori Berquam. Ward through the window of an Martin declined, saying she airport taxi as he chucked the had to finish bedazzling her fladeuce and sloppily shotgunned bongo before she left for Cancun a Corona. “Spring break 2012, no the next day. regrets! Woooooooo!” Ward has reportedly been According to several sources, in sporting a tanner skin tone in the the past few weeks Ward has been past two weeks as well. preparing himself for this year’s “So what if I go fake-baking? excursion with extra enthusiasm. I need a solid base tan. The ladies “I think the warmer weather love a guy with a bronze glow,” said we’ve been having has really gotten Ward, ears white with extra layers him into the spirit of spring break, of sunscreen, when caught walking more so than in previous years,” out of TanWorld this past weekend. said Ward’s assistant Mary Watson. The latest incident involving “Up until Tuesday night he Ward occurred Wednesday night refused to wear anything around when he e-mailed several of his the office except for a leopard- staff members a picture. print Speedo The photo, and a somwhose capbrero. And I tion was blank don’t think except for I’ll ever get the phrase the song ‘It’s “YOLO,” 5 O’Clock showed Somewhere’ Ward at out of my the top of head,” she a human said. “He pyramid, had it on double-fistrepeat for ing margariliterally tas and totally seven hours oblivious to both yesterday while a crab pinching blending piña his nose and a coladas for the plastered UW staff.” freshman who is Watson also about to puke revealed that up a daiquiri graphic by Dylan Moriarty behind him. last Friday

By Haley Henschel

Mifflin Block Party canceled in favor of Mifflining inside Madison Mayor Paul Soglin announced Wednesday he would be canceling the traditional Mifflin party on West Mifflin St. this year to be replaced with “a quiet no-stress day” where he could “Mifflin all he wanted inside.” In a press conference, he described he was “partied out” and wanted to curl up on the couch with some Alka-Seltzer in his boxers.

April Fools’ Day Issue

stephanie daher/the daily cardinal

ASM Chair Allie Gardner showed off her new tattoos following her short stay in a Washington, D.C., jail.

ASM chair changed by time in jail By Derek Vinyard The Daily Cardinal

Colleagues of Associated Students of Madison Chair Allie Gardner have noticed changes to the student government leader recently, saying they are seeing a more aggressive and combative attitude after her brief stint in a Washington, D.C. jail. Gardner was arrested Monday during a protest against student loan debt at the Washington headquarters of loan provider Sallie Mae. But since she was released, Gardner’s fellow ASM members say they have seen a change in her demeanor. “When I told her I disagreed with her tactics in the protest, she threatened to ‘send Mikey to your place for a chat’ and mimed cutting her throat,” Student Services Finance Committee chair Sarah Neibart told The Daily Cardinal. “Later on, I saw her whittling a toothbrush into a shiv during open forum.” A Daily Cardinal investigation revealed one possible reason for the change: During her time in jail, Gardner apparently organized and chaired a ruthless prison gang, the WISPIRG Disciples. Despite only being incarcerated for

a matter of hours, Gardner overtook the jail’s drug and campaign literature distribution operations after a bloody rise to power. Now, ASM members live in fear of Gardner the same way inmates in the District of Columbia jail did. “I noticed her tear-drop tattoos and realized something was wrong,” ASM Vice Chair Andrew Bulovsky said. “Now every time I say something she doesn’t like, Allie just stares into my soul and mouths ‘I know where you live.’” Records of Gardner’s time in jail obtained by The Daily Cardinal show she requested $100,000 in funding for training sessions in shiv maintenance, as well as money for travel to deal with “those mark-ass MS-13 tricks on Cell Block D.” But Gardner denied that the WISPIRG Disciples had any criminal intentions. “We’re not violent, we’re just looking to make sure inmates have a voice on the jail’s shared governance committee,” Gardner said in an e-mail to The Daily Cardinal. “Also, if you tell anyone we are a gang, I will literally stab your face off with this fork. Literally.”

Veteran legislator has seen it all before By Maida N. Woulf The daily cardinal

Commentators nationwide have dubbed Wisconsin’s past political season “historic,” “chaotic,” “momentous,” “groundbreaking” and more. One Wisconsin legislator disagrees. “Meh,” multiple sources say they overheard the veteran senator say. “I’ve seen worse.” Wisconsin recently concluded a whirlwind legislative session marked by mass public demonstrations, the shocking departure of the state’s 14 democratic senators to Illinois, all-night debate sessions in the Assembly, redistricting and voter identification laws signed into law only to be remanded to federal court for revision, and more. Nonetheless, last February the senator reportedly told the vacant chair of senate minority leader

Mark Miller, “This ain’t nothin’.” Witnesses spotted the same senator calmly ambling through crowds of chanting pro-union protesters with headphones in his ears, hands in his pockets and a bucolic smile across his face. “Honestly, I’m not sure he even noticed them,” recalls one puzzled legislative aide. The Senate is now evenly split between Democrat and Republican control following the departure of Sen. Pam Galloway, R-Wausau, who resigned due to illness in the family. To the confusion of those predicting political deadlock, the legislator responded with unbridled delight at a recent press conference. “Good,” the senator said, clapping his hands. “Now we can really get stuff done!”

“…the great state University of Wisconsin should ever encourage that continual and fearless sifting and winnowing by which alone the truth can be found.”




April Fools’ Day Issue

NASA to go forward with Gingrich moon colony By Michael Leitch The daily cardinal

Driven by the prospect of mining precious metals for use on Earth, NASA recently announced its plans to begin the construction of a colony on the Moon—and Newt Gingrich couldn’t be happier. Lunar soil samples have shown high levels of yttrium, cerium and other rare earth metals as well as an isotope of helium known as Helium-3. These metals are only found at a small number of sites around the world, and existing reserves are being depleted for use in electronic devices like iPods, cell phones, and computers. Helium-3 is even less abundant, but has the potential to create large amounts of energy cheaply and efficiently through the process of nuclear fusion. Former congressman and hopeful Republican presidential nominee Newt Gingrich has been a longtime proponent of mining the Moon. “These days, all the focus is on solar and wind power while the Moon is ripe with Helium-3 that’s there for the taking,” Gingrich said after hearing

NASA’s announcement. “Putting a man on the Moon is what made America great. Colonizing the Moon will make America num-

ber one again.” Initial costs may be high, but NASA spokesman Mark Willett discussed the benefits of estab-

GRaphic by Dylan Moriarty/the daily cardinal

Scientist discovers new species of spider, declares it ‘pretty fucking scary’ By Paul Voelker the daily cardinal

Allen Mendax, a scientist working in a lab in Seattle, Wash., claims to have discovered a new species of spider. The discovery came shortly after colleagues heard a distinctly femininesounding scream from his laboratory. They found Mendax shortly after, curled in the fetal position and babbling incoherently about a “two-foot-long spider”.

led large specimens of T. agrestis to seek a new food source, namely mammals. This shift in diet may have caused the evolution of T. verus as it filled a new diet niche. In addition to T. verus’s evolution in size, it appears the spider developed other novel physical features as well. According to Mendax the spider

graphic by Melanie Shibley/the daily cardinal

Although none of the other scientists saw the spider, Mendax maintains that it was gigantic and terrifying. “The spider was humongous, easily over two feet in length, and I could see the hatred in its eyes as it glared at me. Even though they laughed, any of my colleagues would have reacted the same way.” Mendax hypothesizes that the spider was a member of the genus Tegenaria, a group including the hobo spider and several other species commonly found in the northwestern U.S. Tentatively naming it Tegenaria verus (verus meaning “for reals” in Latin), he believes the spider came straight from the fires of Hell but admits the possibility that it evolved due to the liberal use of pesticides. Mendax explained that recent decreases in insect populations due to pesticide use could have

lishing the colony. “The United Nations has estimated the cost of ending world hunger to be about $195 billion a

had a bright silver exoskeleton over its abdomen. He characterized it as “very hard…probably made of adamantium or the plastic shell they sell electronics in, you know, the one you need a hatchet to open,” adding that it was tough enough to withstand his attempts to crush the spider. The behavior of the T. verus is still ambiguous as Mendax observed the creature for only a short time. However, he speculates the spider could run 100 miles per hour. When asked about the spi-

der’s diet, Mendax replied, “I’m not sure, but it looked like it could eat several humans easily.” Members of Tegenaria generally do not have venom that is fatal to humans, but Mendax hypothesized that “the damn thing probably just swallows its prey whole.” He also claims that T. verus sprays a mysterious chemical when it attacks. Chemical analysis on a sample recovered from Mendax’s pants revealed that it is nearly identical in composition to human urine. Many scientists remain skeptical of Mendax’s discovery, most notably Dr. Terry Achnid. “It is obvious that Mendax has fabricated a new species to cover up the embarrassment of being frightened by an ordinary spider and soiling himself,” Dr. Achnid said. “Furthermore, even if such a species were real, it certainly wouldn’t be a threat to humans.” According to Dr. Achnid, there is no previous data indicating that any species of spider would evolve to eat humans whole. “Spiders are our friends, they mean no harm to us. I urge all humans to go out and embrace their arachnid allies. Remember, when a spider bites you, it is only expressing its love.”

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year. Providing the world’s population with access to safe drinking water would cost over $30 billion. For just $10 billion we can ensure that Americans will never have to go without cell phones or other electronics.” While the moon colony will provide precious metals and cheap energy, Willett believes it means even more to the future of the human race. “Our planet is facing a growing number of problems, and we’re running out of solutions. Between climate change, war,and the destruction of the environment, our days here are numbered. Our best bet at this point is to abandon ship,” he said. The proximity to other planets makes the Moon especially attractive. Once it is inevitably stripped of its resources and becomes uninhabitable, spaceships carrying humans in search of a new planet to call home can use the Moon as a platform to launch from. The first in a series of six launches is scheduled for June 2013 and will mark the first time since 1972 that a U.S. astronaut has set foot on the Moon. NASA predicts the moon colony will be fully functional by 2018.

Global warming to provide overall benefits to state of Wis. By Corinne Thornton the daily cardinal

As new data emerges regarding the impact of global warming on coastal states, Midwest states like Wisconsin celebrate their higher ground. With global temperatures rising at a rate much faster than expected, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security now predicts that sea levels could rise as much as 500 feet by 2050 and 1200 feet by 2100. An official state of disaster has been declared for coastal states such as Florida, New England, Louisiana and California, where as many as 200 million people could become displaced. As the east, west and gulf coasts of the U.S. are in peril, the Midwest seems to be rejoicing. Secretary of the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources Cathy Strepp commented on the implications of this new information at a press conference yesterday. “This global warming might be the best thing that has ever happened to Wisconsin.” Strepp said. A research study led by Strepp and Vice-Chair of the Wisconsin Economic Development Corporation Dan Ariens, revealed unseen benefits to Midwestern states. Property values along the west side of Wisconsin and other states will increase because the properties will eventually have an ocean view versus a Lake Michigan view. “Door County will become the new Martha’s Vineyard and Milwaukee the new Miami!” UW-Madison student and Wisconsin resident Steven Kostrovsky said.

Not only will Wisconsin maintain its prestige in the corn and dairy industries, but also in the seafood, shipping and tourism now that Florida will cease to exist. Gas prices are actually predicted to decrease because the U.S. will be able to search and drill for oil and other natural resources in the previously frozen continent of Antarctica. “The economic boom predicted to result from this is unbelievable, unlike anything we’ve ever seen,” Strepp said. “However, the people of Wisconsin should not be concerned about overcrowding or unemployment resulting from the wave of refugees coming from the coasts.” The study’s board of directors has worked collaboratively with Newt Gingrich to come up with a solution to the displacement of all coastal residents. The proposed plan is to send the refugees to the moon and set up the first U.S. colony there. “This is the golden opportunity America has been waiting for since the end of the space age,” Gingrich said. As for the state debt problems, they’re virtually solved, the study claims. The increased average temperatures will cause very mild winters, therefore eliminating the need for snow plows and salt. It is estimated that this could end up saving the state up to $30 million per year. How would this massive environmental shift directly affect UW-Madison? With most of the Ivy League and UNC underwater, UW-Madison will rise to become the top university in the nation academically with the number one college newspaper.

arts This family film has not yet been rated

By Shim Shimshouree the daily cardinal

This week, after yet another ratings battle with the Motion Picture Association of America, Harvey Weinstein finally had enough. In 2010 Weinstein was able to convince the MPAA to overturn its NC-17 rating for the Ryan Gosling/Michelle Williams relationship drama “Blue Valentine” when the ratings board got up in arms over a scene of Gosling performing oral sex. This year the board would not budge on its decision to brand the documentary “Bully” with a cursed “R” rating for “some language,” deflating the hopes of many that the documentary could be a rallying point for raising awareness of the horrors of relentless adolescent harassment among kids themselves. One teenage bullying victim even started a petition for a PG-13 rating on which has already racked up almost half a million signatures. In retaliation, Weinstein has announced he will be releasing the film for an “unrated” theatrical run without any attached rating from the MPAA. While technically legal, it would be an unprecedented move and how theater owners would treat such a release has yet to be seen. But one man is already behind Weinstein’s plan one-hundred-andten percent: Nicolas Cage. The man of a million movies has had more than a few of his own frustrating fracases with the MPAA over the years, and he’s finally ready to “Kick-Ass” and take names. Harvey’s “for the children” plea has resonated with Cage to such an extent that he has decided to execute “unrated” theatrical releases of two

April Fools’ Day Issue B3

of his own family movies that have been toiling on the shelf after being slapped with ratings that Cage maintains are outright ludicrous. “The Easter Bunny” In the wake of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s boxoffice bonanza with “The Tooth Fairy,” Cage aggressively pursued the prospect of a sequel to the timeless chronicle of a professional hockey player who becomes a tooth fairy after being mean to some children. But as Cage discovered, the tooth does indeed hurt. He was passed over for the role in favor of the chameleonic Larry the Cable Guy, who was glowing with critical praise for his role in “Cars 2” that has been widely regarded as the seminal voice acting performance to be found in Pixar’s catalogue. Never one to give up the fight, Cage produced his own family film in a similar vein—“The Easter Bunny”. Cage plays the grumpy owner of a pet store specializing in rabbits who, after yelling at a group of children in the store for trying to play with some of the animals on Easter Eve, finds himself sprouting whiskers, growing white fur and defecating colored Easter eggs uncontrollably as he is tasked with teaching the children in his neighborhood the true meaning of Easter. Originally the MPAA refused to award “The Easter Bunny” a desirable rating because it featured “vague sexual references, brief scenes of holiday-related violence, ambiguous racist language and gratuitous human egg laying throughout.” However, Cage now plans to release the film in theaters unrated on Easter weekend, explaining that he feels children everywhere could


photo courtesy columbia pictures

This curmudgeon is about to turn cuddly in the holiday film “The Easter Bunny,” starring Nicolas Cage. It’s unrated, it’s provocative and it’s aimed at your chocolate-egg-loving children. benefit from the film’s message of belief in the mystical in our modern day techno-dystopia. “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Take Me Down to Munky Town” Before “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked” offered audiences a nautical conclusion to the beloved trilogy of anthropomorphized-rodent adventures, a different final installment was produced with Nicolas Cage in the lead. While the movie was originally intended to film in Nashville, Cage insisted the production be moved to New Orleans in order to accommodate his quest to procure new additions to his collection of antique human skulls. Unfamiliar with the concept of renting property, Cage purchased the infamous LaLaurie Mansion, regarded by locals as the most haunted residence in New Orleans. That’s when things took a turn for

the worse. In an interview with Variety, the film’s director bemoaned that Cage spent the majority of waking hours during production “holed up in a hidden security room in his new home watching as he tortured the staff into believing the house was haunted with a myriad of technical tricks.” He concluded, “Is Nicolas Cage a maniacal Jigsaw-esque sociopathic sadist? That’s not my business. What is my business is securing the best possible performance from my actors and I feel like Mr. Cage’s extracurricular actives may have been interfering with his work in this case.” Whoever was ultimately to blame for the lackluster results, 20th Century Fox ultimately decided to take the series in a different direction after the final cut failed to secure an acceptable rating from the MPAA for featuring

“Possible innuendos, pervasive anti-Arizonan sentiments, mature sexual situations involving shadow puppets and constant scenes of irresponsible chipmunkery and intoxicated revelry.” However, Cage recently reacquired the rights to the film from Fox using funds from the sale of his backup Scottish castle and plans to release the film for an unrated theatrical run this summer, telling The Hollywood Reporter that “Summers need blockbusters, that’s just how it is. And it was tragic that those fascist rodentophobes didn’t want children to learn from this tale of regret, redemption and why you should never mix an ‘82 Mouton Rothschild, Fleischmann’s Gin and a Styrofoam cup of jumbo shrimp gumbo.” How family audiences will receive this debaucherous romp through the French Quarter with Cage, Alvin, and the gang remains to be seen.

Madisonians, embrace your inner neo-hipster By Kip McClodhopper the daily cardinal

In the hipster mecca of Austin, Texas where I attended SXSW, the PBR flowed freely, the moustaches were well-sculpted and the beanies were worn despite the nearly 90-degree weather. Although many of my friends would joke that I must have been in good company, it made me realize the dire importance of moving forward the common perceptions of what being a “hipster” really is. The current conception of the hipster is stagnated, stuck in the bland, perpetual competition of “who-sawthis-band-in-a-back-alley-in-1990” and “who’s-flannel-shirt-has-moreedgy-cigarette-burns,” and frankly, I’m fed up. I propose that Madison become the new mecca of forwardthinking individuals. Going above and beyond current conceptions of cool is imperative: True ingenuity is unmistakable. Thus, I give you tips on embracing the new Madison cool. 1. Ditch the labels, or personalize them. Being called a “hipster” is something true hipsters have always shirked, but you won’t be rejecting a label because it’s derogatory—it’s really just not descriptive of you. You take avant-garde, neo-noir, post-modern and opiate-chic to a new, and completely unique level, and no name can put you into a category. There is the risk, though, that non-hip plebeians won’t understand this liberating ide-

ology. In that case, insist upon at least a description that more accurately depicts your persona—I, for instance, ask people to call me an eco-grungeKantian-neo-libservative-Fitzgeraldian-Agnist. Look it up. 2. Get creative with fashion The way that current clothes are made is harmful for the environment, but luckily there are unique statement pieces all around you that won’t kill the earth and are unique. That bucket you used to mop up your paint-splatter wall art? It could easily be made into a necklace, just throw some old nails in it for sonic aesthetics. I even have an iPhone app that locates nearby garbage dumps and their contents—it can pick out an oldrat-skull-turned-brooch in no time! 3. Seek out new forms of music Oh, you saw The Sheepdogs perform in a coffee shop before they got big and started playing in slightly larger coffee shops? YAWN. Soon, you can say you saw Backyard Dan playing his nail beds and sighing to a beat behind a Port-a-Potty in Joplin, Mo if you start looking for art in the right places. Music as we currently know it is hackneyed—the music of real life is visceral, gritty and really chic. The homeless guy moaning quietly on top of the sound of cars starting and stopping can be art, if you say it is. And when he gets big for mixing his moans with high-pitched pig squeals, you can say you saw him when he was first starting out. And there is no greater joy than that.


April Fools’ Day Issue


Miller Park fans have it right, ‘base ball’ not so bad

Men’s Basketball

Liam McHugh cugh ball


Mark Kauzlarich/the daily cardinal

Miscommunication led to Daily Cardinal sports editor Ryan Evans accidently being forced to play in the Badgers’ one-point loss to top-seeded Syracuse in the Sweet 16.

Wrong Ryan Evans to blame for Sweet 16 loss By Evan I. Disco The Daily Cardinal

The Wisconsin men’s basketball team revealed Wednesday its loss against Syracuse can be attributed not to a botched final possession or inability to shoot anything other than three-pointers, but instead to the wrong Ryan Evans suiting up for the Badgers. In an e-mail to The Daily Cardinal, head coach and anger simulation automaton Bo Ryan revealed that because of a mixup on the team charter, Cardinal sports editor Ryan Evans took the court in Boston instead of flattopped junior guard Ryan Evans. The sports editor apparently was told to report to Dane County Regional Airport for the team flight to the Sweet 16 last week, and went there thinking it was for a press conference. After a gate attendant took his name, Evans was escorted onto the team charter flight and forced to play against Syracuse in Wisconsin’s

loss last Thursday. when they shot the ball it actually Without the hairstyle, coordi- went in—every time I shot Scoop nation and general athletJardine just blocked it ic competence of the right back into my face while Ryan Evans, the mystilaughing maniacally. It fied sports editor strugwasn’t fair, damnit!” Season of gled on the court while The actual basketball high school often shouting toward player Ryan Evans was rec baskethis coach, “How did I get reportedly spotted being ball played here? Stop yelling at me!” held at sword-point by Ryan Evans the “I was far from pleased in the Cardinal office sports by the performance of Thursday night, screameditor. HUMANOID MALE ing while he watched the RYAN EVANS, and I later game and laid out the learned it was because of a day’s sports page. Total points problem with INFERIOR “It’s a shame he scored HUMAN AIR CORRECT HUMANOID during that TRANSPORTATION,” RYAN EVANS could season. Ryan told The Daily not join us at the Cardinal. “It caused me COMPETITION OF DEFAULT EMOTION: RAGE.” COLLEGIATE BASKET BALL,” Evans attempted to defend his Bo Ryan said. He began his next utter lack of skill after the game, sentence, “It reminds me of my time saying he was unprepared for back in ORGANIC BIRTHING Thursday’s game. LOCATION CHESTER “Everyone moved so fast!” a sob- PENNSYLVANIA...” but was bing Evans said, clearly still dis- drowned out by a collective groan oriented in the locker room. “And from assembled reporters.



his summer, I’m finally going to check off one of the last things on my sports-fan bucket list. I’m going as a reporter, not a fan, mind you, but don’t let that silly little distinction keep you from assuming I’ll have a good time anyways. I’m going on adventure to Miller Park to see the Brewers play baseball. Between breweries and real sports, I’ve seen some shit in my day. But never in all my years did I think there’d be a company baseball team as popular as the Miller Brewers are. Heck, I didn’t even know what base-ing a ball was until three days ago. Apparently, it’s a big yard game where a bunch of men assault a helpless leather ball. They say it’s America’s pasttime, so I figured it was past time I learned a thing or two about this little-known, under-ground niche of a subculture. (See that? That was a pun. It’s like a play-onwords, only witty. Super witty).

It’s nonstop action

Baseball never stops. It’s nonstop. It’s always moving. The moving of the ball is always happening. Even when the ball is in one of the players’ web-things on his hand, it’s technically moving. The game is faster than a speeding bullet, razor sharp, wicked hard and never clichéd. In the pro league (that’s where the Miller Beers play), teams are actually good. They’re really good at catching the ball, even when it’s hit like an RPG fired at the speed of light from the Millennium Falcon at warp speed. But still, I like Little League better. Errors and lack of talent make for excitement.

Fans love Miller Park

Miller Park is where the Breweries play. It looks like one of those Japanese fans like from Mulan. As the fans morph from alcoholics to drunk, they start chanting rambunctiously and

soon there is pandemonium and bedlam ringing through the zealous walls of the stadium.

What the h-e-doublebaseball-bats is a “force out?”

When I go to the stadium, I’m a little worried I’m going to get distracted from the game. I hear there’s a giant diamond in the middle of the grass and I love shiny things and I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to pick up the game if I’m worrying somebody might fall and cut themself. Diamonds are the hardest things on earth, you know. Except for understanding baseball lingo. Ha! Got you again, that’s actually “difficult.” If you didn’t know, there’s actually a linguistic difference. Anybody good at grammar knows that, NBD. Anyways, there’s all sorts of weird rules. Once the pitcher pitches the pitch, the batter bats the ball (not the bat, for some reason) and runs. Unless he walks. Or I also heard he can get punched out, but he must have to do something wrong in order for that to happen. That seems mean. It’s a forceful out, which I think is the same as a force out. Either way, I’ll pick it up within the first few frames. I think they’re actually referred to as “innings,” but that got me confused when I was trying to find a hotel.

“Let’s play two”

I think an old player named Yogi Berra said that. You probably have heard of him because after he retired, he became famous for promoting forest-fire prevention. Anyways, when a team plays two games in the same day, it’s called a double-header. This is confusing, because I think it’s also called a double-header when two bat-hitters are called out on the same play. If you want to be hip like me, jump on the baseball bandwagon soon. It’s whizzing down the trail like a fighter jet rocketing past the Spirit of St. Louis in the burnt-orange sky. Descriptive language, bitches.

Men’s Hockey

Chipotle closes; men’s hockey team starves By Beauty McGonger The Daily Cardinal

The entire Wisconsin men’s hockey team has starved to death after an irate cutomer who was upset that all the guacamole in his burrito was concentrated in one spot, forced the Chipotle on State Street to temporarily shut down Wednesday. “I don’t know what I’m going to do,” sophomore forward Michael Mersch said. “The Wisco boys get our burrito on everyday. So delicious. It’s all we ever eat. Their guac is sick.” Members of the Badgers are some of the most frequent visitors to the Mexican food chain and often take to Twitter to express

their excitement about their frequent State Street burrito trips. “I like reminding my 344 followers that me and the boys are headed to Chipotle,” sophomore forward Keegan Meuer said. “They need to know how long the line we are waiting in is. Worth it though. Can’t go without our nine weekly trips to Chipotle.” Former Wisconsin players like current Chicago Wolves forward Michael Davies took sympathy with the current members of the Badgers. “You have to feel for those beauties up in Madison,” Davies tweeted. “Chipotle’s guac is crazy good.” Sophomore defenseman

Chase Drake and sophomore forward Sean Little, concluded that Chipotle closing had to have been the fault of their roommate, sophomore forward Jefferson Dahl. “God Dahl sucks,” Drake said. “This Chipotle thing has to be his fault. Better chirp him a few more times on Twitter. Dahl is such a loser.” It is not clear at this point how Chipotle’s closing will affect the future of junior defenseman Justin Schultz. #SchultzWatch Since Chipotle’s closing the Kollege Klub bar has reported record profits as members of the Badgers have taken up residence there permanently.

Mark Kauzlarich/the daily cardinal

The Chipotle on State Street shut down Wednesday, effectively cutting off the primary food source for the men’s hockey team.

The Daily Cardinal - Thursday, March 29, 2012  
The Daily Cardinal - Thursday, March 29, 2012  

The Daily Cardinal - Thursday, March 29, 2012