Walk with meHold my hand Hold
O’Donnell
A collection of poems by Mal
Introduction
Mal O’Donnell has been involved with Tenovus Cancer Care for over a decade, and is now an active member of our All-Wales Cancer Community. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2011 and then, during the Covid-19 pandemic, found out that this had spread to his bones. This collection of his poetry spans this whole period, and provides a poignant and personal account of the range of emotions and experiences the author went through.
“My poetry and stories have been a big part of my life and I can recall documenting different stages of my life from childhood to the present day. I have always been on the side of the underdog, the less fortunate, and I sometimes feel other people’s pain through my own experiences.
I hope my poetry stirs emotions in people - that it makes them think, touches a nerve and places them with me, in this thing called life.
Sometimes my poetry is of the moment or in the moment, about me or those around me. When you experience something first-hand, happy, sad, funny, or terrifying, I feel I can step into that place to write a poem.
Living with cancer for over ten years really sharpens the mind. It gives you a real perspective on life. You see things clearer, sharper, and it makes you more passionate.
The poems I write are about my cancer journey, and I hope they give people a greater understanding of what a cancer patient can sometimes go through. I hope my poetry gives them a voice.
These are the poems. Moments in time captured about me and the people around me and the different stages of my cancer journey.”
Our Words
It is what it is, it’s not as simple as that Because Christie, you choose every day
To do something about that I could sit in the house and cry my eyes Out every day, what good would that do The words of a fighter the real you Ever since I have known you Your strength and courage have shone through You never give up, you are such a star Being your friend makes me so proud
To be just a small part of who you are.
Sometimes the smallest Things
Take up the most room
In your heart.
My friendship with this young woman called Christie, her husband Lloyd, her mother, Andrea, her father, Mark and also Woody the dog, came about because of my poetry about my cancer journey. They liked my poetry because in some cases, the things I wrote about had happened to them. When you are on this cancer journey you have to be in it to understand it. All the fears, doubts, uncertainties, and pain go hand-in-hand.
Christie was so calm and gentle that being around her made me so relaxed. She never complained and always looked forward. No matter how hard it got for her, she just got on with it. The courage and strength of a lion.
One day we were texting one another while Christie was in hospital, just having a chat. What she said made me want to write this poem. This is not my poem; this is our poem - Christie’s words and my words together. I miss her so much.
Limbo
I’m losing it big time
I‘m all over the place
Waiting for a letter
That’s lost in space
Orange juice in my coffee
Salt in my tea
Socks in the oven
No dinner for me.
I’m chasing around
Trying to catch up
With my head
Heading towards chemo
Is something I dread.
All my efforts seem
Wasted
But I just can’t stop
Every road I have taken
Seems to be blocked
I don’t want to do this
But I have no choice
How loud must I shout
Before you hear my voice?
We are here twenty-four seven
That’s what you say
But do you really mean it
Or it is just something to say?
I tried it when I needed it
You never got back to me
You left me waiting to be rescued
Like a drowning man lost at sea
I don’t need an answer phone
I need a person to hear
To understand what I’m going through
And to know they are there.
I’m feeling so lonely
Trying to figure this out
By myself
I feel like a toy that’s been left
On the shelf
All I ask is just hear me
Tell me which way to go
Don’t leave me in limbo
Please just let me know.
I now had a date to start my chemotherapy, but I needed the confirmation letter and information about how the chemo can affect people. I’d received no information and the time was getting closer - it was really frustrating. They’d sent me letters with dates I couldn’t possibly attend, they gave me no time. I seemed to be waiting and getting no information.
In frustration I took the letters I had and drove over to Velindre cancer centre, and did something I thought I wouldn’t do.
Dwi’n ei cholli hi go iawn
Dros y lle i gyd
Yn aros am lythyr
Limbo
Sydd ar goll yn y gofod
Sudd oren yn fy nghoffi
Halen yn fy nhê
Sannau yn y popty
Dim hanes o bryd i dê.
Dwi’n rhuthro i bob man
Yn ceisio dal fyny
Gyda mhen
Mae anelu at chemo
Yn fy nychryn i.
Fy holl ymdrechion
Yn ofer
Ond allai’m peidio
Bob ffordd dwi wedi ei gymryd
Wedi ei rwystro
Dwi’m eisiau gwneud hyn
Ond sgen i’m dewis
Pa mor uchel sydd rhaid gweiddi
Cyn i chi glywed fy llais i?
‘Da ni yma trwy ddydd a nôs
Dyna yw eich honiad
Ond ydi hynny’n wir?
Ynteu ydi hynny’n ddim ond siarad?
Rhoddais gynnig arni pan oeddwn i angen
Ond ddaethoch chi ddim atai
Wnaethoch chi adael i mi gael fy achub
Fel dyn yn boddi yn y môr
Dwi ddim angen peiriant ateb
Dwi angen rhywun i glywed
I ddeall yr hyn dwi’n mynd drwyddi
Ac i mi wybod eu bod nhw yna.
Dwi’n teimlo mor unig
Yn ceisio deall hyn i gyd
Ar ben fy hun
Fel tegan wedi ei adael
Ar y silff
Yr hyn dwi’n ofyn yw gwrandewch arnai
Dywedwch pa ffordd i fynd
Peidiwch gadael fi mewn limbo
Plîs, pa ffordd ddyliwn i fynd.
I walked onto a chemo ward and sat myself down in the waiting area and just waited. Eventually I caught someone’s eye and called her over. I showed her the letters and explained my situation; that I didn’t have any information, I did not know what was happening.
She was very helpful, she said “I can go through the process with you now”, which we did. I read her this poem that explained my situation and how I felt.
Humanity
I knew your heart Was breaking
There was only one thing I could do
I wrapped my arms
Around you like you were My son
To help you make it through.
I do not speak your Language you have A different faith than me
But the tears that are running From your eyes Are the same tears As me.
We have both lost Someone we love So much it’s Tearing us apart
Wrapping my arms around you
I was trying to mend Two breaking hearts.
I tried to explain why I may Not be there He didn’t understand He just kept saying You come back you come back And holding on to my hand. I have seen him with his daughter And so, I thought he wasn’t alone He then kept trying to tell me It was his son he lost And now he’s living on his own.
I tried to calm him down He then let go of my hand I was trying to keep it Together
To help him understand.
With a final wave from me
To help him on his way I waited until he had left And hoped he was okay.
As I drove through The cemetery gates
The tears were falling from my eyes
Language, faith, culture or race, A broken heart you recognise.
Dynoliaeth
Mi wyddwn fod dy galon
Yn torri.
Doedd dim ond un peth
Allwn i wneud.
Lapio fy mreichiau
O dy gwmpas fel dy fod yn
Blentyn i mi
I’th gysuro i ddod drwyddi
Tydw i ddim yn siarad yr
iaith sydd gen ti
Mae gennyt ffydd gwahanol i mi
Ond mae’r dagrau sy’n llifo
O dy lygaid
Yn union yr un dagrau
A fy rhai i.
Rydym ni’n dau wedi colli
Rhywun i garu
Colli cymaint nes ei fod
Yn rhywgo ni arwahan
Lapio fy mreichiau o dy gwmpas
Roeddwn yn ceisio trwsio
dwy galon toredig.
Dwi’n ceisio egluro pam efallai
Na fyddai yno tro nesa
Doedd o ddim yn deall
Yn ail-adrodd
You come back, you come back.
Yn gwasgu fy llaw
Dwi wedi ei weld gyda’i ferch
Felly’n tybio nad oedd o ei hun.
Ac yntau’n egluro
Mai ei fab a gollodd
Ac mawr, mae o’n byw ar ben ei hun.
Dwi’n ceisio ei dawelu
Mae’n gadael fynd o fy llaw.
A finna’n ceisio cadw
Pwyll
I helpu iddo ddeall.
Y ffarwel ola’ gen i
I’w gynorthwyo ar ei ffordd.
Dwi’n aros nes iddo adael.
Yn wir obeithio ei fod o’n iawn.
Wrth i mi yrru drwy
Giatiau’r fynwent
Mae’r dagrau’n powlio.
Iaith, ffydd, diwylliant neu hîl
Mae pob un yn adnabod torcalon.
The Waiting Room
It’s hard to find love
On show in this place
Backs against the wall
Stiff upper lip
Don’t let your emotions
Start to slip
If the floodgates start to open
You know they won’t stop
So, we must stick together
Before we go over the top
Let’s talk about the weather
It really looks like a nice day
But don’t look too far ahead
Storm clouds could be gathering
Inside your head
I can’t sit next to you or you or you
And invade your space
The subject you want to talk about
Is written all over your face
All the words fly around
We are just wasting time
So, we can slowly move up
To the front of the line
When our name is called
No words left to say
We are going in
To find out
If it really is a sunny day.
Cancer outpatients waiting rooms are not like any other waiting rooms, there is only one reason you’re there. Attending a cancer hospital over months and years can really wear you down.
I wrote this poem hoping to convey how hard it can be for people to show how they really feel, in a room filled with fear, anxiety, hopes, doubts and wishes, while waiting for good news or bad.
Constantly having to keep your emotions under control, I preferred to stand up with my back against a wall, sometimes for hours. I never made myself too comfortable.
Yr Ystafell Aros
Mae’n anodd ffeindio cariad
Ar sioe yn y lle yma
Cefnau yn erbyn waliau
Stiff upper lip
Paid gadael i’th emosiynau
lithro
Os yw’r llifddorau’n agor
Nawn nhw ddim sdopio
Felly, rhaid i ni gadw fel un
Rhag i neb fynd dros y top
Dewch i siarad am y tywydd
Mae hi’n edrych yn braf
Ond peidiwch edrych rhy bell
Rhag i gymylau duon gasglu
Yn dy ben
Allai’m eistedd wrth dy ochor di na
chdi na chdi
Ac ymosod ar dy ofod
Mae’r pwnc wyt ti eisiau siarad amdani
Wedi ei ysgrifennu ar dy wyneb
Y geiriau’n hedfan o gwmpas
Yn lladd amser
Dyna’n union yw eu pwrpas nhw
Er mwyn i chdi symud yn araf
I flaen y ciw.
Mae nhw’n galw dy enw di
Does dim geiriau ar ôl
Mae’n amser darganfod
Os fydd hi wir yn ddiwrnod braf.
So here I go Into the place
Where dreams are Unable to flow.
The lights are dim The machine set free Its power now Focused on me.
It saps my strength It plays with my Mind
It makes me sick Turns my stomach And makes me find
The things I thought I’d left behind.
The things I left Unsaid
The things I wish I’d put to bed.
Lying there with time
To spare
To wonder what Is happening to me
Will I be the man I used to be?
When you start radiotherapy treatment you are assigned to a certain machine. The number of the machine I was assigned to was LA5. Into my third week of radiotherapy I start wondering, what is happening to me?
Lost in one another
Not a word was said
She held onto him so tightly
Nothing needed to be said I watched from a distance
Thinking of something to say
But I knew in my heart
My words would never reach her
Only get in the way
And so, I stood
Back against the wall
In my mind ready to catch her If she should fall.
Watching her let go of his hand
To brush those imaginary crumbs
From her dress
Then holding his hand so tightly
To ease the stress
Now only the three of us left
Even though you are strangers to me I wanted to stop what you were going through I hoped you would be next At the front of the queue.
The relief I felt when a name was called You both stood up and walked past me I looked into her face
As I stood against the wall
It’s then I realised it was his name they called This made it so much harder for me
It made me realize the one I lost
The one I needed the most Was not standing next to me.
or might be a bit older. The rain had started outside and it was dark and cold, what a difference two hours can make. Everything around this place changes so dramatically; the climate, the mood, the people. I wonder if it’s because it’s a cancer hospital. I watched the couple, I started to notice a couple. A man and a woman, early seventies, they must have been twenty feet away I was going to Velindre Hospital to tell my consultant
I wanted to go with the chemotherapy. Even though the thought terrifi ed me, there was no choice. My appointment was for three forty, I arrived at half past three. It was a dry day and the sun was out, I walked through the door to the outpatients department. It was packed as usual and I found my place up against the wall and stood there watching. The time ticked by: four o’clock has passed to 5 fi ve o’clock. and never noticed me, they were both staring straight ahead
Friend
Why did you say?
You would give me a call
Give me a call
Why did you say it?
When you really Didn’t mean it
You really Didn’t mean it At all.
You left me
On the ledge On the edge
Thinking I had A friend
Who I could Depend on
Someone to Lean on.
Someone to Take the pain Away For an hour For a day
Someone I could Say “you understand How it is”.
Now I know they Were all just words Crumbs you feed
The birds
Now you’re gone I’m left to Carry on
Looking for a crumb
Of comfort
On my own.
Being told you have cancer is something you never wanted to hear, being the first to know, you now have the unenviable job of telling those around you. In most cases the reaction to the initial shock is one of help and support. However, sometimes the people you thought you could rely on can let you down at the hardest of times.
Second time around
Can
I look myself
in the eye
To see the man through years gone by I won’t hide under the table
Bury my head in the sand
I’m not playing that game
I have to take command
The pressure keeps building
There’s nothing to see
Is that person in the mirror really me
Or a shadow of the man I used to be
His eyes are empty his skin is so pale
He keeps on murmuring
I hope I don’t fail
They say that life is for living
Come and stand in my shoes
That’s easy to do when you have nothing to lose
The big C is back, I’ve been here before
Why can’t you can leave me alone
I thought I’d settled that score
Now you’re back again to take some more
It’s catch 22 and harder this time
But you have no choice
When your life’s on the line.
The poem came about after being told the cancer was back. The anger, fear and frustration I felt knowing that this time the fight would be so much harder, but I knew I had to carry on. To fight not to give in, even though I thought I’d paid my dues, settled that score the first time. The unfairness of it made me angry.
Taste buds
What is the point In eating
If everything tastes
The same
My taste buds have deserted Me and it’s driving Insane.
I don’t look when I’m shopping
I just shovel it in the Cart
I might as well Do my shopping with British rail Their sandwiches fit The part.
Everything tastes like Cardboard
Everything tastes the Same
Just one part Of this chemo That’s driving me Insane
I’ve tried everything That’s out there
Including à la carte I have wasted so much Money
My wallet is breaking Its heart
My overdraft keeps Rising There’s nothing more To say
Please bring my taste buds Back to me
Or I’ll be munching on Hay.
When I started my chemotherapy the first thing I lost was my sense of taste, sometimes for a week then it would reappear and then it would disappear again after my next treatment. It was really frustrating and this went on for months.
Blasbwyntiau
Beth yw’r pwynt
Mewn bwyta
Os ydi bob dim yn blasu
‘Run peth?
Fy mlasbwyntiau wedi gadael
Ac yn fy ngyrru’n wallgo.
Dwi’m yn edrych pan
Dwi’n siopa
Dim ond taflu fo mewn i’r
Cart
Waeth i mi
Wneud y siopa gyda
British Rail
Ma’r brechdanau’n siwtio’r part.
Popeth yn blasu fel
Cardfwrdd
Popeth yn blasu
‘Run peth
Dim ond un rhan o’r chemo
Sy’n anfon fi’n Wallgo.
Dwi wedi trio popeth
Sydd ar gael
Gan gynnwys à la carte
Wedi gwastraffu tomen o brês
Mae mhwrs i’n torri
Ei chalon.
Fy nyledion yn saethu
Fyny
Does dim arall
I glegar
Plîs gai fy mlasbwyntiau
Yn ôl
Neu fyddai’n cnoi gwellt I swpar.
rolls
Chemo
Ho chemo no one has a good word
To say about you
I think they have been getting
It wrong for far too long
You have been kicked
From pillar to post
It’s only your side effects
That people talk about The most.
Let’s look at it from a different Point of view
No more wasting my money
On extravagant food
I can’t taste
And my loss of appetite Is very good for my waist
Running back and fore to the loo Is really good exercise
Too.
Sitting in my chemo chair
With my cold cap on
Chilling out
Gives me time to think about
All the jobs
I need to do around the House.
And sleeping only 4 hours a night
Gives me more time
To fix things making
Everything right
I feel twenty years old
Mind you, with no hairs on my legs
It is rather cold.
I know you’re doing your best
For me
A lot more than some people
Open your eyes and see
In the cold light of day
The one thing I will say Cancer is the enemy chemo is A friend
I am glad that you are on my side Helping me to stay alive.
Thank you chemo.
Mal Patient CDU ward.
If this makes you smile good!
If it’s hard to do stick in there you can do it!
P.s. this cold cap is cold!!!
Haia chemo does gan neb air da
I ddweud amdana ti
Ond dwi’n meddwl eu bod nhw wedi
bod yn
Anghywir am lot rhy hir
Ti wedi cael dy gicio
O un pen i’r llall
Dim ond y sgil effeithiau
Wrth gysgu dim ond 4 awr y dydd
Chemo
Mae nhw’n siarad am
A dyna’r gwall.
Be am i ni edrych arno o
Safbwynt gwahanol
Dim mwy o wastraffu fy arian
Ar fwyd moethus
Na fedrai flasu
Mae’r colli chwaeth yma
Yn dda iawn i fy ngwasg
Mae’r rhedeg nôl a mlaen i’r ty bach
Yn ymarfer corff ardderchog.
Yn eistedd yn fy nghadair chemo
Gyda’r cap oer ymlaen
Yn chill-io
Mae’n rhoi amser i mi feddwl am yr
Holl waith
Sydd angen ei wneud yn y
Ty.
Mae’n rhoi mwy o amser
I drwsio pethau
Rhoi popeth yn ei le
Dwi’n teimlo’n ugain oed
Er, heb flewyn ar fy nghoesau
Mae hi yn eithaf oer.
Ti’n gwneud dy orau
drosta i
Lot mwy na rhai pobol
Rhaid agor ein llygaid ni
Yng ngolau oer y dydd
Rhaid dweud hyn gyda ffydd
Cancr ydi’r gelyn a chemo ydi’r
Ffrind
Dwi’n falch dy fod ar fy ochor i
Yn helpu i mi aros yn fyw.
Diolch chemo.
Mal
Claf ar ward CDU.
Os ydy hwn yn gwneud i ti wenu, dwi’n falch! Os ydi hi’n anodd, dal i fynd, gelli wneud hyn!!!
O.n. mae’r cap oer hwn yn oer!!!
The fog
I’m trying to find my way Out of this chemo fog That’s taking over me Looking for a guy that’s lost I’m sure he looks like me.
I thought I caught a glimpse Of him
Just the other day But when he stopped And stared at me He didn’t seem okay.
I know he’s out there Somewhere
Trying to find his way Back to me
I’ll keep on looking In the mirror
Till he’s standing in front Of me.
Thank you
Thank you to Bethan Marlow for transcreating these poems.
All-Wales
Cancer Community
Cymuned Ganser Cymru Gyfan
Giving a voice to everyone affected by cancer
We want everyone affected by cancer, anywhere in Wales, to have a voice, and for these voices to be heard.
Become part of the All-Wales Cancer Community and tell us about the issues most important to you. You can help improve outcomes and experiences for people affected by cancer in Wales.
Rhoi llais i bawb a effeithir gan ganser
Rydym am i bawb a effeithir gan ganser, unrhyw le yng Nghymru, gael llais, ac i’r lleisiau hyn gael eu clywed.
Ymunwch â Chymuned Ganser Cymru Gyfan a dywedwch wrthym ba faterion sydd bwysicaf i chi. Gallwch helpu i wella canlyniadau a phrofiadau i bawb a effeithir gan ganser yng Nghymru.
For more information visit | am fwy o wybodaeth ewch i tenovuscancercare.org.uk/allwalescancercommunity
Tenovus Cancer Care is a Wales-based charity giving help, hope, and a voice to everyone affected by cancer.
Its wide range of services offers information, advice, and specialist support to people living with cancer, and their loved ones.
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Mae ei chymuned o gefnogwyr, gwirfoddolwyr, a chodwyr arian yn helpu i godi’r arian sy’n angenrheidiol i wneud y cyfan yn bosibl.
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