Tampa Woman

VOL 2, NO 4

COMPLIMENTARY

CELEBRATING, MOTIVATING, AND EDUCATING WOMEN

Real

TM

One on One with

OCTAVIA SPENCER who plays Minny Jackson in

DreamWorks Pictures’ The Help

SPOTLIGHT ON Detective Andrea Eagon of the Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office FASHION FEATURE:

Learn to LOVE

your Curves

+HOS &RPIRUW D &KLOG 'XULQJ &KULVWPDV LQ -XO\ St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital treats thousands of children each year.

Ensure that our special little patients receive a toy whenever they need comfort, on holidays, birthdays or during significant milestones in their treatment. Donate new unwrapped toys and monetary gifts during the special Christmas in July event.

For more information, call (813) 644-6670. To see a detailed wish list, visit StJosephsChristmas.org.

+HUHÝV KRZ \RX FDQ PDNH D GLĔHUHQFH Make a donation online throughout July at StJosephsChristmas.org.

Drop off toys and donations at St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital during the special Christmas in July community event on Friday, July 22, from 7am to 3pm.

Text STJOES to 85944. You’ll get a text message confirming your $10 donation. Text up to three times in a billing cycle*. *A one-time donation of $10 will be billed to your mobile phone bill. Messaging and data rates may apply. Donations are collected for St. Joseph’s Children’s Hospital by mobilecause.com.

Reply STOP to 85944 to stop. Reply HELP to 85944 for help. For terms, see www.igfn.org/t.

Presented by

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In this Issue

6

12

www.tampawomanonline.com

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Lori Samples Duncan loriduncan86@gmail.com

ADVERTISING info@tampawomanonline.com

CONTRIBUTING WRITERS Christina J. Anton, Esq. Ruth Chapman Lori Samples Duncan Susan Gernhart Lisea Julien Barbara LoFrisco, M.A Ro Martinez Mandy Rivers Toni Sloman Cynthia M. Winter, Esq.

COVER PHOTO Ross Krison Photography

From the Editor

2 Summer’s Coming to an End

Events

3 What’s Happening in Tampa?

Let’s Talk

4

6

Better Than Betty’s Chocolate Cake One on One with Octavia Spencer

DESIGN Melissa W. Morris

PHOTOGRAPHY Cathy Lindner HollowTree Images Ross Krison Photography

18

8

10

11

Increasing Number of Women Required to Pay Alimony Do You Know What the “F” Word Means?

Cool Off Your Anger

Fashion

12 Love Your Curves!

Professional

18

20

Spotlight on Detective Andrea Eagon Meet Tara Payor of the Tampa Bay Area Writing Project

Celebrating the Survivor in You! 22 Survivin’ and Thrivin’

Health & Wellness 24 Sleep Much?

26 Skin Talk with Toni facebook.com/tampawomanmagazine

Business & Web Directory 27 Contact our advertisers

Personal Note Tampa Woman Magazine

Woman 2 Woman Publishing (803) 785-4475 711 East Main Street, Suite A-2 Lexington, SC 29072 Every effort has been made to ensure the accuracy of this publication. However, the publisher cannot assume responsibility for errors or omissions. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission. © 2011

28 Doing the “Job” Right

To see past issues and more, check us out online at www.tampawomanonline.com

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From the Editor

S

ummer is coming to a close or maybe by the time you are reading this, the kids are back in school and our lives have returned to some semblance of normalcy. Traffic is just slightly better and everyone seems to be resuming a normal activity level. Though summer was an exciting one for us at Woman 2 Woman we are glad to see Fall on the horizon. It is me or was it hotter than ever this year?

We had a great time creating this issue for you. I love the models in this issue; it shows while it is nice to be picture perfect, you don’t have to be a size 0 to be beautiful. This is one reason we get so much positive feedback from our readers. Not every woman looks the same, and that doesn’t mean they aren’t still beautiful, intelligent, spiritual creatures who care about others. On that note we do have to take care of ourselves so we can continue taking care of everyone else.

The kids are gearing up to go back to school again!

In this issue of Tampa Woman we talked with a survivor of domestic violence. This article is especially dear to my family as my niece was a victim of domestic abuse. Shelly was not able to get out successfully. She was killed by her estranged husband, Phillip Chad Dunn in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart in Suwannee, Georgia. Domestic violence is not often restricted to low income families or even uneducated families. This is a situation that crosses gender as well as economic lines and it could be happening in your neighbor’s house, and you may be none the wiser. The first I knew of Shelly’s abuse was when he tried to kill her two weeks before he succeeded. She left, got the restraining order and two weeks later she was dead. You know what I find slightly amusing about this case? His defense attorney said she was having an affair. It wasn’t proven in court; however, the laughable part is this is a defense for murder? As if a woman’s affair was justification of murder…. The survivor in this issue was lucky. She made it out. She survived the abuse and was able to learn from it and move forward. If you or someone you know is suffering from domestic violence, there is hope for you. There is hope and there is help. No one deserves to be mistreated.

Don’t forget to check out what Ms. Toni Solomon has to say in Skin Talk! It’s especially important to guard ourselves in this Florida heat. As always we want to know your opinions and feedback. Feel free to email us and let us know what you liked and what you didn’t! We strive to make each issue of Tampa Woman better than the last, and it is many times through the suggestions of readers like yourself that we are able to accomplish that goal.

Until next time, stay cool Tampa!

Your friend,

Lori Samples Duncan Editor-in-Chief

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

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Women

Proverbs 10:12 Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses

What’s Happening in Tampa?

Tampa/St. Petersburg Team Hope 5K Fun Run and Walk for Huntington’s Disease August 27, 7:00 a.m., The Pier Aquarium, St. Petersburg

Join the effort to provide help for today, hope for tomorrow at the Tampa/St. Petersburg 2011 Team Hope 5K Fun Run and Walk for Huntington’s Disease at The Pier in Downtown St. Petersburg!

Registration begins at 7:00 a.m., 5K Fun Run will start at 8 a.m., walk will start at 8:05 a.m. For more information, please contact Michelle Schumacher, Walk Coordinator, at (813)363-3970 or via email at mschumacher@walkforhd.org.

Moving Towards A Cure September 24, 6 a.m.

Coachman Park, Clearwater

Come cycle, run or walk with us, in

memory of those who have lost their lives to this disease and in honor of those who are currently battling, help increase brain tumor awareness and assist in finding a cure. We do not require fundraising to participate, although it is highly encouraged. Every fundraising dollar brings us closer to a cure! Registration begins at 6 a.m. Please visit the website below for more information. www.milesforhope.org

Opening Doors to a Drug Free Community September 25, 11:30 a.m.

Tampa

Join us as we Open Doors to a Drug Free Community and celebrate the 22nd anniversary of the National Alcohol and Drug Addiction Recovery Month. Doors will open at 11:30 a.m. at The David A. Straz, Jr. Center for the Performing Arts in the Carol Morsani Hall with the day

spotlighting a screening of “The Secret World of Recovery” which not only stars Leslie Glass and her daughter Lindsey in this personal documentary, but also showcases their writing and directorial debuts. The viewing will start at 1:15 p.m. Both Leslie and Lindsey will attend the event and answer questions about their personal story and ongoing journey in celebrating recovery. The day will also include a live performance at 3:00 p.m. by Tampa’s own renowned band “Thrown Alive”. Other activities planned for the day include a Prevention Expo, a Silent Auction, and Art Exhibit with renowned artists through Tampa Bay showcasing their work. www.DACCO.org

2011 Florida Suncoast Race for the Cure October 1, Vinoy Park, St. Petersburg

Events

Join the largest series of 5k runs/fitness walks in the world. Best Science. Boldest Community. Biggest Impact. United in the fight against Breast Cancer. You may register yourself, start a team or join a team and start your own personal fundraising program using our online registration system. www.komensuncoast.org

Pink Tie Masquerade Ball October 22, 6 p.m.

Renaissance Tampa International Plaza Hotel

Save the date for an evening of dinner, dancing, silent and live auctions. This “pink tie” event celebrates breast cancer survivors and remembers those who have lost their battle while raising funds to save lives and end breast cancer forever. Tickets will go on sale soon. www.komensuncoast.org

www.tampawomanonline.com

Let’s Talk

Better than Betty’s

CHOCOLATE CAKE

by Mandy Rivers

I

have maintained for quite some time that one could not duplicate the moist, light consistency of a boxed chocolate cake mix in a homemade recipe. I would see a beautiful recipe in a magazine or cookbook, try it and always be disappointed with the results (too dry, too dense, etc.). So I gave up and resigned myself to the Betty Crocker box mixes, figuring I was willing to sacrifice flavor for great texture.

Then I saw a recipe online that looked right.

I tried it. The texture was exactly what I had been looking for. With a few tweaks for flavor’s sake, I eventually landed on a version of the recipe that I thought was The One. I celebrated and bragged and happy-danced and boasted for several weeks. This resulted in a whole lot of eye rolling from my friends

(whatever, girls, this is my equivalent of running the Boston Marathon) and a whole lot of “buy one more pound of cocoa and I’ll strangle you in your sleep” from my husband.

Then I was faced with another issue: frosting. I couldn’t release My Precious without an equally delightful frosting. Though I know I may not have many followers in this camp,

I’m not a fan of traditional buttercream (you know, the sugary birthday cake variety that gets a crunchy crusting after a day or so and is so sugary sweet it literally gives you a toothache?).

I experimented with a few chocolate buttercreams but wasn’t wowed. I then tried my hand at a whipped ganache but was perplexed with the issue of refrigeration – it being made from cream. Refrigerating (which I thought was necessary, though maybe I’m wrong) resulted in a stiff truffle-like layer sitting atop the cake. I experimented with recipes using cocoa and some using melted chocolate but found flaws (tiny as they may have been) with each.

I’d seen a few recipes that included corn syrup and thought perhaps it may be the key to achieving the sheen and spreadablility I was after. I was planning to spend the weekend experimenting with recipes that included a combination of all the varieties I’d tried but did one last search online to see if one already existed. I stumbled across Bobby Flay’s Creamy Chocolate Frosting recipe and became very hopeful (actually I squealed like a poked piglet). It contained the combination of ingredients that I had been contemplating: cocoa and melted chocolate plus a generous amount of corn syrup. I tweaked it a bit (pink sea salt... really Bobby?) but eventually arrived at something I was excited about!

Mandy Rivers

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

Real

Women

Introducing Better Than Betty’s Chocolate Cake with Creamy Chocolate Frosting!

Let’s Talk

Better Than Betty’s Chocolate Cake with Creamy Chocolate Frosting cake tins half full. Bake 12-15 minutes. Makes approximately 36 cupcakes.

• 1 ¾ cups all-purpose flour • ¾ cup cocoa powder • 2 teaspoons baking soda • 1 teaspoon baking powder • ¾ teaspoon salt • ½ cup oil • 2 cups sugar • 2 large eggs • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract • 1 cup buttermilk • 1 cup strongly brewed coffee

8-9” Round: Fills three pans. Do not try to fit all of the batter into two. Bake 20-25 minutes.

Grease and flour baking pan(s) and set aside. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

In a medium-sized bowl sift together flour, cocoa, baking soda, baking powder and salt; set aside.

In a large bowl, using an electric mixer on medium speed, beat together oil and sugar until fluffy, about 1 minute. Beat in eggs and vanilla until combined, about 2 minutes. Beat in buttermilk and coffee until combined. Reduce mixer speed to low and gradually beat in flour mixture until just combined. Batter will be very thin.

Pour batter into prepared pan(s)* and bake per the following or until the cake no longer jiggles in the pan and a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. DO NOT OVER-BAKE. Cupcakes: Fill paper lined cup-

Bundt or 13×9 Pans: Fill pan 2/3 full. Use excess batter to make cupcakes (I usually make 1 – 13×9 cake and 12 cupcakes with one batch of batter). Bake for 35-45 minutes.

Cool in pan for 10 minutes then remove from pan – do not allow the cakes to cool completely in the pans or they will be difficult to remove. If you need to handle the cakes beyond turning them out, use waxed paper as the cake will stick to your hands. *Sorry about the extra batter issue.

My math skills are not good enough to reduce the recipe.

Creamy Chocolate Frosting • 1 ¼ cups (2 ½ sticks) salted

butter, at room temperature • 1 cup powdered sugar • ¾ cup cocoa powder • ¾ cup light corn syrup • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract • 8 ounces semisweet chocolate, melted and slightly cooled

View more of Mandy’s recipes online at www.mandyrivers.com

In a food processor, process the butter, sugar and cocoa until smooth, about 30 seconds, scraping the sides of the bowl as needed.

Add the corn syrup and vanilla and process until just combined, 5 to 10 seconds. Scrape the sides of the bowl, and then add the melted chocolate and pulse until smooth and creamy, 10 to 15 seconds.

This recipe makes enough frosting for cupcakes, a two-layer cake, a sheet cake or a bundt cake. If making a three-layer cake, you may want to double the recipe or try the Milk Chocolate Buttercream Frosting recipe below for the middle layers to ensure you have enough frosting for the entire cake (the milk chocolate buttercream makes for a nice contrast in color, texture and flavor).

Milk Chocolate Buttercream Frosting • 1 cup (2 sticks) salted butter, at

room temperature • 2 ½ cups powdered sugar • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract • 4 ounces milk chocolate, melted and cooled to room temperature

Whip the butter on medium-high speed for 5 minutes, stopping to scrape the bowl once or twice.

Reduce the speed to low and gradually add the powdered sugar.

Once all of the powdered sugar is incorporated, add the vanilla and increase the speed to mediumhigh, mixing until incorporated.

Slowly add the melted chocolate and whip at medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 2 minutes, scraping the bowl as needed to incorporate all of the chocolate. www.tampawomanonline.com

Let’s Talk

ONE ON ONE WITH

Octavia Spencer “Minny” of the DreamWorks Movie The Help

by Lori Samples Duncan

T

he Help by Kathryn Stockett was not my typical read. I like a feel good story from beginning to end. Books are my escape and, therefore, if I am going to give you ten hours or ten minutes of my life, “that I can never get back,” as my eight year old says, I want to smile. I want to laugh. There is little about 1962 Mississippi that creates that feeling in me. I have always struggled with injustice, especially that of slavery and segregation.

I agreed to read the book, see the movie, and to be frank with my readers about what I discovered.

I read the book. I cried, laughed, and became angry within the first few chapters. Perhaps it isn’t politically correct to say, but I enjoyed it. For a generation of women who didn’t necessarily “have help,” it will open your mind to the complexity of relationships that you had never considered. The movie was thought provoking, honest and an emotional rollercoaster, much like the book. There is no big finale…it is a work of fiction, based on real life experiences, so it doesn’t end with an earth shattering change or a big “we win,” nor does it offer acknowledgement from ignorant characters about their ridiculous behavior.

What did the movie do? It opened my eyes to fact that, in many ways, women haven’t changed much in the last fifty years. We do what we have to do to get through the day. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, and sometimes it’s just plain ugly. I sat in the theatre

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

Real

Women

for a pre-screening with men and women, both African American and Caucasian. I smiled because at least now we can all watch together without fear or condemnation. At the end of the day, we are just people. Sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we get it very wrong. I enjoyed the interesting, complex relationships and was inspired by the wonderfully heroic roles of the African American women and a couple of courageous Caucasian women as well. I was given the opportunity to speak with Octavia Spencer regarding The Help and here is what she had to say.

TW: How did you come by the part of Minny?

Octavia: I have a personal relationship with Tate Taylor, the director/writer, and Brunson Green the producer. Kathryn Stockett is a childhood friend of Tate’s and they have known each other for thirty years. Kathryn and I were introduced while she was formulating the character of Minny. Since she drew inspira-

Let’s Talk tion for the voice of Aibileen from Demetri, her childhood caregiver, I think we met at a strange time in that my physicality and certain aspects of my personality influenced what she thought Minny should be.

TW: Growing up in a different era than the woman you portrayed in the movie, how did you prepare for this role?

Octavia: I am fortunate that I was born in a more tolerant time in our nation’s history and I am fortunate the struggles of the true life women and men that Minny, Aibileen, and Constantine represent forged the path for me, so I didn’t have to have those experiences. I did do a lot of research.

TW: Being known as one of the funniest women in Hollywood, was it a stretch for you to play such a serious role?

Octavia: I have never seen African

American characters from this era actually written by a white author painted in such a multifaceted way.

I wanted to be a part of it from that regard. I also thought, “How often do character actors like me get this opportunity to play such a multifaceted character?” Being able to play alongside such wonderful actors is also a once in a lifetime opportunity. I was thrilled. When you add my personal relationships with many people associated with the film … it’s just one of those things that really seldom happen.

TW: What is the most exciting thing about being involved in this film for you?

Octavia: It is a socially relevant movie. We have never seen African Americans from this prospective.

It has always been as facilitators of the plot point, never really as the heroines or the protagonist. I was happy to be such an integral part of this project and prospective,

because I really don’t like a lot of literature from this era, as we have been relegated to “Mammies.” We are so much more multifaceted than that.

TW: I found it interesting how the characters were able to separate themselves from their “job” and be so loving to those white children, whose mother’s were so wicked to them.

Octavia: Isn’t that the way of women anyway? Regardless of race, we take our lumps and we do it graciously, gratefully and quietly.

TW: One of our Facebook fans submitted a question for Minny/ Octavia “How did it feel to know you had the opportunity to change so many lives for the better by telling ‘your’ story?” (Hope Halfacre Bryant) Octavia: It is awe inspiring … indefinable, really. Again, I don’t know what it is like to suffer spousal

I am fortunate that I was born in a more tolerant time in our nation’s history. abuse or any type of abuse like that.

But what I hope it is that Minny is a beacon of hope, because sometimes women do what they think is best for their family and stay in an abusive environment. It takes a lot of courage to stay and it takes a lot of courage to leave. What I hope is that they realize starting over, being safe and having healthy relationships that aren’t abusive… there is victory in that and a sense of strength in that. I hope that comes across. (It’s) one of those things I really haven’t come to terms with yet.

(left) Octavia Spencer stars as a loyal, outspoken Minny Jackson, who is the perfect blend of pathos and humor. (above) Best friends Aibileen Clark (Academy Award® nominee Viola Davis, center) and Minny Jackson (Octavia Spencer, right) share a special moment in DreamWorks Pictures’ inspiring drama, “The Help,” based on the New York Times best-selling novel by Kathryn Stockett. “The Help” is written for the screen and directed by Tate Taylor, with Brunson Green, Chris Columbus and Michael Barnathan producing. Ph: Dale Robinette ©DreamWorks II Distribution Co., LLC. All Rights Reserved. www.tampawomanonline.com

Let’s Talk

Increasing Number of Women ORDERED TO PAY ALIMONY

by Christina J. Anton, Esq. and Cynthia M. Winter, Esq.

A

limony is generally thought of as being paid by a man to his former wife. However, many more women are out earning their husbands and becoming the breadwinner in their families. This has resulted in increasing number of women being ordered to pay alimony to their former husband after divorce. It is important to note that alimony is not appropriate in every divorce case. The court considers many factors in determining whether an award of alimony is appropriate. If a court determines that an alimony award is appropriate, then the court must determine which spouse should pay alimony, what type of alimony they should pay, the duration of the alimony obligation, and how much alimony should be paid.

Florida’s alimony laws currently allow several different types of alimony, depending on factors including, but not limited to: (i) the needs of the spouse requesting alimony; (ii) the ability of the other spouse to pay alimony; (iii) the length of the marriage; (iv) the age, physical condition, and emotional condition of the parties; (v) the earning capacity and education levels of the parties; (vi) the contribution of each party to the marriage (including homemaking, child care, and education and career building of the other party); (vii) the responsibilities each party will have with regard to any minor children they have in common; and (viii) any other factor neces-

sary to insure equity and justice between the parties.

Currently the types of alimony that may be awarded in Florida are as follows: Bridge-the-gap alimony: to assist a party by providing support to allow the party to make a transition from being married to being single. This is short term and should not exceed 2 years.

Rehabilitative alimony: to assist a party in establishing the capacity for self-support through redevelopment of skills or through education and/or training.

Durational alimony: to provide a party with economic assistance for a set period of time following

photo by HollowTree Images

Cynthia M. Winter, Esq. and Christina J. Anton, Esq.

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

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Women

a marriage of short or moderate duration.

Permanent alimony: to provide for the needs and necessities of life as they were established during the marriage. Permanent alimony may be awarded following a marriage of long duration, following a marriage of moderate duration if such an award is appropriate upon consideration of the factors discussed above, or following a marriage of short duration if there are exceptional circumstances.

Florida’s laws define a short-term marriage as a marriage having a duration of less than 7 years, a moderate-term marriage as a marriage having a duration between 7 years and 17 years, and a long-term marriage as a marriage having a duration of 17 years or greater.

Knowing what courts consider in determining alimony, and Florida’s definitions of short, moderate, and long-term marriage, is important in understanding alimony. It is also important to keep in mind that alimony payments are generally taxable to the recipient-spouse and tax-deductible to the payerspouse. Additionally, alimony is considered income to the recipient-spouse for purposes of calculating child support, meaning the

more alimony the recipient-spouse receives, the less child support the payer-parent will need to pay. In the event an alimony obligation ends prior to child support obligations, the child support guidelines will need to be recalculated.

Unlike child support, alimony is not calculated using a formula to provide an exact amount that is due. It is up to the spouse requesting alimony to bear the burden of proving that alimony is needed and the amount that is needed.

Spouses who are considering filing for divorce and have questions about alimony or other legal issues should consult an attorney to get a full understanding of their legal rights.

Source: Florida Statute section 61.08.

Christina J. Anton, Esq. is a founding partner of Anton Castro Law heading the Marital & Family Law practice.

Cynthia M. Winter, Esq. is a family law and bankruptcy attorney at Anton Castro Law. Anton Castro is located in downtown Tampa and practices in the areas of Marital & Family, Criminal & DUI Defense, Personal Injury, and Bankruptcy law. For more information, please visit Anton Castro Law’s website, www.AntonCastroLaw.com, or call (813) 907-9807.

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Let’s Talk

Do You Know What the “F” Word Means?

by Ruth Chapman

D

o you know what the “F” word means? I’m not talking about a foul word, I’m talking about the word, fidelity.

It seems that no one, at least in government knows what that words means. In marriage vows you agree ‘to love, honor and cherish each until death do you part.’ And there is another part, ‘what God has joined together, let no man put asunder.’ I sometimes wonder if anyone ever hears those vows and if they know what they mean. Also, the word vow means a promise made to God. It’s not something to be made or taken lightly.

So when these politicians, former Governor Sanford of South Carolina, and now former Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, Senator John Edwards, and Senator Anthony Weiner just to name a few, think that their actions will go unnoticed and unpunished, they are fool hardy and seem to have completely forgotten their vows.

Years ago, when we were on one of our first dates, (at the tender age of 17) I asked my husband, Chris, what he considered cheating. Mind you, this conversation was years before President Clinton came into power and single handedly ruined our country (as my husband says.) His response was, “cheating is anything that you do that you feel you can’t tell me about.”

There were no hard and fast rules like: no holding hands with anyone else, no kissing anyone else, no

lunch with an old boyfriend, no dinner with an unmarried man, etc. It was simply, use your best judgment and at the end of the day, make sure you can look at yourself in the mirror. Why don’t more people follow this logic in every aspect of their life, not just the romantic side?

One of my roommates was from a Midwestern farming state (which one I don’t recall) and she was very shy and homesick. She wasn’t particularly pretty, smart or funny, but she had been well endowed from birth. (A single bra cup would fit on my head – don’t ask how I know that.)

9 years for 3 weeks? But she wasn’t the only one at this training course who had strayed. My other roommate invited her boyfriend up to spend the weekend with her the first weekend; then she was on the sofa making out with a new guy (not from our class) the very next week!

When I started a new job years ago, the first thing this company did, much to my dismay, was to send me on the road! I was sent by myself to a 3 week training course in Atlanta, GA. When I arrived I knew no one. We were required to stay four to a suite in a residence inn type of hotel. I had never met my roommates before and they did not work for the company that I did, nor were they even from the same state as me; so consequently, after the course was over we would never see each other again. Remember, this is before Facebook and cell phones.

I remember the first few days of the class; she would call her husband and talk for hours, then cry all night because she missed him terribly. They had been married for 9 years and had never left each other’s side. By the end of the third week, I gave both her and another new friend a ride to the airport.

Since we had arrived early, we sat and visited for a little while before they flew off. The shy Midwesterner admitted to us that she had succumbed to infidelity and had slept with another member of our class, the California surfer dude, 10 years her junior!! I was absolutely shocked. She couldn’t manage to remain faithful to her husband of

I was never so happy to leave the cesspool of infidelity as I was when I arrived at Chris’ house and into his waiting arms.

That was in September of 1987; we were married in February of 1988 and have remained faithful to each other ever since. I can’t imagine straying and I certainly can’t imagine him straying.

As for our elected officials, it never ceases to amaze me how sleazy they can be sometimes. I urge you to trust your instincts when deciding for whom to vote and if they seem, ‘too good to be true’ beware!

In marriage vows you agree ‘to love, honor and cherish each until death do you part.’ ... I sometimes wonder if anyone ever hears those vows and if they know what they mean.

10

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

Real

Women

Let’s Talk

COOL OFF Your Anger

by Barbara LoFrisco, M.A.

Barbara LoFrisco, M.A.

N

ow that summer has been here for some time, you may find yourself getting “heated” in more ways than one. With the kids out of school clamoring for your attention, you might have more trouble controlling your anger.

Anger is not a “bad” emotion! Anger has a purpose. It can motivate us, or give us information about a situation. But sometimes it can get out of control and cause us to do things we regret. The good news is that just like you can jump into a pool to cool off, you CAN control your anger!

tions will help you know that you are getting angry.

peat as necessary until you feel that your anger is under control.

change your situation, whatever is appropriate.

Now, it’s time to implement the cooling-off strategy.

So, now what? Didn’t I just say anger was a “motivator”? Yes, it is.

You are ready to take action. You can calmly communicate your feelings, adjust your behavior, or

Speaking of communication… darn, I am at my word limit! Stay tuned – I will write about communication in the next issue.

Most of us don’t realize we are angry until it is too late. By then, our anger is flaming out of control. So, the key to anger management is early detection.

Glad you are paying attention. Yes, anger is a motivator, but right now you are at risk of becoming overwhelmed by it. It’s not wrong to be angry, but you need to cool off in order to use it effectively.

The first step is to become AWARE of when you are beginning to get angry. There are three categories of responses: Emotional – We may be having other feelings in addition to anger, or mistaking another emotion for anger. For example, we may actually feel jealous, or hurt. What are you feeling?

Physical – Our bodies react to anger in different ways. For example, some of us sweat, turn red or get headaches. What does your body do?

Cognitive – There is a thought process associated with anger, and it may indicate a pattern. For example, you may think: “I hate when people take advantage of me.” What are you thinking when you get angry?

Awareness of any of these reac-

Whoa! Didn’t you just tell me that anger was USEFUL? Then why would I want to “cool off ”?

Therefore, the next thing to do is figure out what calms you down.

We call these skills “coping mechanisms” in psychobabble. They are different for everyone, but here is a good tip: remember the times in the past when you’ve been angry, and what calmed you down. (You may want to put them on an index card in your wallet so you won’t forget them.) For some people, it’s going for a walk, venting to a friend or writing in a journal. Oh, and I almost forgot. Please make them “positive.” So chugging beer and/or shouting obscenities don’t count; sorry. Okay, well maybe the obscenities if you are in private.

Most of us don’t realize we are angry until it is too late. By then, our anger is flaming out of control.

Barbara LoFrisco, M.A. is a licensed mental health counselor, licensed marriage and family therapist and board certified sex therapist. She works with individuals and couples with relationship and/or sexual issues in her private practice, located just north of downtown Tampa. For more information, please visit her website, www.counselorbarb.com, or call (813) 404-9215.

So now you have the two pieces: (1) The next time you notice one or more reactions (emotional, physical, cognitive) you’ll know you’re getting angry. (2) Before it gets out of control, immediately implement one of your calming strategies. Rewww.tampawomanonline.com

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by Ro Martinez photography by Ross Krison

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Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

Real

Women

Fashion

D

ressing the curvy figure is about accentuating the positive and drawing the eye away from the negative. Realizing beauty is not a number on the scale allows you to start enjoying life and stop starving yourself. Accept the fact that curves are beautiful. Beauty is within each of us and how you view yourself affects the way others view you. If you think of yourself as attractive there is no question as to how others will perceive you.

As a model, I’ve been on the runway many times and even in my thinner years I was never as thin as some of the models in Milan, New York and on other catwalks in other fashion cities. I was happy to learn underweight models were turned away from certain shows because of their low weight. The reason for my bliss was twofold:

• Most of America is curvy or plus-size with the tall leggy size 0-2 models being the small minority.

• This healthier message sent to young girls is that to force your body to be unnaturally thin by becoming bulimic or anorexic is dangerous and can be fatal.

The popularity of plus-size models, with Emme reaching supermodel status, shows America has embraced larger women and the idea that they can be just as beautiful as their thinner counterparts. It is a breath of welcomed fresh air. Curvy women no longer want to hide in unattractive lose fitting dresses with no defined waist, darts or fitted sleeves. In my book, Modeling At Any Age, I wrote the following about plus-size women, “Plus- size women willingly pay for quality, style and comfortable clothing.

Many are in the workforce, where looking good is almost as important as performance. Larger women no longer feel the need to wear only black or tent-like clothing. Department stores and specialty shops have sales personnel who can answer any questions about proper fit and will put together a great looking outfit.”

Proper-fitting clothing helps us look our best regardless of our size. Dressing in very tight clothing can make you look like a stuffed sausage and clothing that is too big can make you look sloppy. In the modeling industry, you are considered plus-size or curvy at size 10/12.

Color and accessories determine where the eye goes and the correct use will help draw the eye away from problem areas. For example, if you are fullest in the hip area wearing a white top

and hot pink bottom would bring attention to your fullest area. Those who are bottom heavy should make it a point to bring color, texture, and print toward the face. A chunky necklace and earrings will accomplish the same thing.

Full Bust Avoid button-down blouses that can gap at the bust line. Consider wearing a button-down blouse left unbuttoned, layered over a lacy camisole or stretchy tee. Fabrics with a Lycra blend will give you comfort while providing ease of movement. A proper-fitting bra is a must for

Larger women no longer feel the need to wear only black or tent-like clothing. fuller figures because a good foundation will allow every top to fit better. To emphasize great legs, wear pencil skirts and cinch your waist with a wide belt. Wearing a long skirt with a slit will also emphasize great legs.

Full Middle Avoid tucking anything in or wearing a belt.

Think monochromatic, such as a black or charcoal grey top with a matching bottom worn beneath a colorful blazer. A good-fitting girdle will subtract fullness visually. Accessories such as a printed scarf tied around your neck, necklace, headband or hat will bring the eye up.

Don’t be afraid to wear shorts to show off great legs or sleeveless tops if you have good arms.

Full Hips and Thighs This is the one I can relate to most and is perhaps the easiest to cover due to the longer

Wear This, NOT That!

Whether you are short and curvy or tall and curvy, bottom heavy or top heavy, there are certain styles that can help highlight your assets and detract from areas you aren’t so happy with.

Most important, you should always feel confident – and comfortable – in your clothing.

Here are a few suggestions taken from my book, Wear This, Not That!

Stylish Solutions to Flatter Your Figure (available on Amazon.com):

If you have a large bust...

Wear This, • Well fitting bras • Monochromatic dressing (all one color head to toe)

• Deep V necks • Pretty collars • Gathered shoulders • Shoulder pads • Small belts that match garments • Attractive skirt or pant detailing to draw the eye down

• Chokers • Medium sized necklaces Not That!

• Cowl neck sweaters • Tops that are too tight • Horizontal stripes or detailing • Double-breasted jackets • Long necklaces • Wide belts (they reduce the

space between your bust and waist)

—Kelly Matchbitz, Author

continued on next page www.tampawomanonline.com

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Fashion tunic length tops and short dresses that can be layered over skinny jeans. Avoid cargo pants or pants with front, back and side pockets as these will add unwanted fullness. Flat front bottoms are a better choice, low rise bottoms look better as they sit closer to the hips and don’t gap in the back.

Empire waist or tops that have shearing under the bust will skim your hips and thighs, giving you needed room to move.

Our beautiful curvy models were photographed at CC’s Boutique, in their spacious Tampa location.

They provide a variety of formal dresses in sizes 0 to 24. Their helpful sales staff will help determine your needs, budget, and body type to assist in your quest for that perfect dress. The atmosphere is relaxed and laid back as you enjoy your shopping experience in the comfortable and welllit dressing area. The space is well arranged with plenty of room to move around each rack. Mannequins throughout the boutique allow you to visualize how the dresses look. If you do not find your size, your dress can be special ordered and alterations are offered at an additional cost.

Leslie Allen, manager, had this to say about CC’s Boutique: For 30 years, CC’s Boutique has specialized in special occasion/ evening wear, wedding gowns, bridesmaid and prom dresses as well as accessories to complete the look. Our talented, professional and experienced stylists consult with each customer on a one-onone basis thus learning all of the important aspects of the event as well as the desired look. Our goal is to make Tampa Bay the best dressed, starting with Prom, Homecoming, and then Sorority formals and continuing through life as the number one boutique to find the perfect wedding gown and Mother of the Bride and Groom dresses.

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What Our Models and Friends Shared about Being Curvy:

Proper-fitting clothing helps us look our best regardless of our size.

We have seen many Brides return to us with their daughters for prom or their bridal gown…this is the most amazing tribute to our staff, boutique and quality of our gowns.

CC’s Boutique is anticipating continued success and growth, making it easier for the Tampa Bay area and surrounding counties to appreciate luxury and an amazing shopping experience. Check out our website to learn about our continued growth and commitment to the Tampa Bay area. CC’s Boutique is “Simply the Best!”

Ro Martinez, author, model and modeling coach, has been in the business for 25 years. Her multimedia exposure includes TV, film, and commercials. She has appeared in catalogs, newspapers and on magazine covers. Ro has even appeared on the Internet and on billboards!

Ro holds modeling and acting workshops focusing on people of all ages, sizes, and ethnic groups, and guides them toward successfully entering the exciting and glamorous field of modeling. Her book, Modeling at Any Age is a step-by-step, comprehensive, easy-to-read guide for modeling and how to flourish in the industry.

For information on becoming a model or actress, visit www.modelingatanyage.net or email Ro at romartinezmodel@hotmail.com.

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

Real

Women

“I feel it is so important for women to embrace their curves, and more importantly, love who they are! Beautiful doesn’t have a size.

Beautiful is women who not only accept who they are, but embrace it! Nothing is more empowering than looking into the mirror and loving the person looking back at you. I used to be uncomfortable with my curves, but now I love them! They make me who I am. So no matter what size you are, love who you are and be yourself. Nothing is more beautiful than a confident woman with a great attitude and a brilliant smile!”

— Nadine Grant (photographed as the bride)

“Being curvy is something women should be proud of. To me the word curvy is more than just a word, it has a meaning!

C- I am Confident in myself and walk with grace.

U- I have a great Understanding for what it means to be different.

R- I demand Respect at all times and shine as a result.

V- I have a Variety of clothing to choose from.

Y- I am Young, curvy, beautiful and loving it!”

— Shana Goss (photographed)

“I live life LARGE. I enjoy good food and fine wine. I love deeply and laugh easily, especially at myself. I’m comfortable in my own skin and I don’t take life or myself too seriously. I’ve learned to be kinder to myself, to embrace the woman that I have become.”

— Debbie Cullen, (Photographed as the mother-of-the-bride)

“I accept that I will never have the body I had ten years ago or even five years ago. Make the best of what you have and invest a little money in a good body shaper. Care for yourself as if you love yourself.”

— Myra Tavulov

“Be realistic, stop looking for someone else’s body; it’s attractive to be an original. I always remember my mother and the way she dressed.

She presented herself with class despite the fact that she was curvy.”

— Melody Ruiz

“Wearing a hat proves that you are a confident woman with personality. It takes a brave, strong woman to wear a hat in an age where hats aren’t an everyday accessory. What women don’t know is that hats are the perfect accessory for every type of woman. Clothes don’t always fit or look right on every body type, but a hat always fits and always looks great. It draws the eye to a woman’s face by showing off her eyes, or cheek bones and taking the focus off a full bottom or other fuller areas. Hats can also make a woman look taller and more regal.”

— Dolly Donshey, House of Donshey: Custom Millinery

Fashion

www.tampawomanonline.com

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Fashion

Photos by: Ross Krison Photography Ross Krison www.itsross.com Models provided by: Modeling at Any Age Ro Martinez www.modelingatanyage.com Makeup by: Monique McLaughlin www.makeupandhairby monique.com Hair by: Monique Payne 813.385.8109 Fashions provided by: CC’s Boutique www.ccsboutique.com Celebrating, Motivating and Educating 16

Real

Women

www.tampawomanonline.com

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SPOTLIGHT ON

Detective Andrea Eagon

by Susan Gernhart

T

he Hillsborough County Sheriff ’s Office wants you. The 166-year-old organization is actively recruiting male, and especially female, Deputy Trainees. As one of the ten largest Sheriff ’s offices nationwide, HCSO is seeking dedicated, ambitious individuals who can uphold their motto: “Serve, protect, and defend the community while preserving the rights and dignity of all.”

Thirty three year old Detective Andrea Eagon is one of those dedicated, ambitious individuals. The New York native moved to South Florida at the age of ten, and attended Tallahassee Community College before relocating to Tampa in 1999. She attended USF, receiving a BA in Criminology.

Prior to graduation, the bride-to-be (her fiancé is also in law enforcement) followed her instincts and began carving out her career path.

She began as a Reserve Deputy, and was then hired full time in February 2001, climbing the ladder from Reserve Deputy, then Patrol in under two years.

Eagon, who has appeared on the show “COPS” three times, was selected for the Street Crimes Unit (District I) in August 2002, before joining the Gang Enforcement Section, investigating stolen vehicles and drugs as part of a year and a half undercover sting operation.

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a key member of the Recruitment & Screening Section. She assists with hiring decisions, conducting background investigations on potential applicants, and actively recruits qualified individuals at career fairs at colleges and universities.

The petite 5’1” rising star is an avid runner who wakes at 3:50am most mornings to hit the pavement on Bayshore Boulevard. She participated in her first half marathon earlier this year at Gasparilla, a competition that she found “exhilarating”.

Her guilty pleasures include shopping (citing International Plaza as her “favorite Tampa landmark”!) and food (all kinds), especially the dishes served up at Pane Rustica and Datz.

In July 2008, she became part of the Narcotics Bureau, purchasing pills undercover while investigating doctors and pharmacies. Soon thereafter, she was assigned to the DEA Task Force, and later, Vice & Narcotics. She transitioned to an administrative role in August 2010,

TW: When did you first realize that you wanted to be in law enforcement?

Andrea: During my second year of college, I met a young, petite female officer who suggested I go on a ride along. She made me consider that not all cops are men.

Prior to that, I had never seen anyone that looked like me in law enforcement!

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

Real

Women

It’s been my experience that if you are willing to work hard, no one notices your gender.

TW: Who or what inspires you?

Andrea: The Hillsborough County Sheriff ’s Office retired Major Mary Tully. She is a strong professional woman, yet always a classy lady.

TW: You’ve been “in the field” and now you’re in an administrative role. Do you prefer one over the other?

Andrea: There is a different mindset sitting behind a desk, but I love this just as much. I’ve been very fortunate with my career here and to contribute to the future of this agency – an agency that has been so good to me – this is a great opportunity to give back.

TW: Is it a challenge to recruit women?

Andrea: Sometimes they admit

that they haven’t really considered a career in law enforcement, or they don’t know enough about it.

And sure, they have this image of a 6’2”, 250 pound burly man. But once they hear more about the experiences and possibilities, their interest is definitely peaked.

TW: What do you love most about your job? What do you find to be the most fulfilling?

Andrea: This line of work is very interesting. We are involved in situations that society is intrigued by, and we get to have an effect on the outcome of some of those scenarios. The most fulfilling part is being able to have an impact on someone’s life and knowing that you helped make a difference.

I have loved going to work since the day I started and I still do.

Whenever I get together with family and friends – many of whom have interesting careers themselves – they always want to talk about my job. Even though some may make more money, I feel like I’m the one with the dream job! I thoroughly enjoy coming to work every single day. Not many people can say that about their chosen career field.

TW: As a woman, do you still feel

Professional a strong camaraderie with your fellow (male) detectives?

Andrea: It’s been my experience that if you are willing to work hard, no one notices your gender. Both male and female law enforcement officers have different strengths and weaknesses, but when combined, they can be formidable.

TW: Do you feel that the stereotype of the “male cop” has diminished over the years as more and more women have entered the field?

Andrea: Absolutely, women are instrumental in this field.

TW: Your superior called you the “sharpest female detective?” Is that intuition “learned” or “acquired”?

Andrea: It’s a combination of both.

In addition, HCSO also boasts the latest state-of-the-art training for new hires. Our training division is beyond anything you can ever imagine.

To begin with, you enter an intense, grueling two-week S.O.T (Sheriff ’s Orientation Training) pre-academy boot camp. You live on “campus”, arriving on a Sunday and departing that following Friday (with a brief break in between.) The state mandated Police Academy is 21 weeks, and we have our own module which is another eight weeks.

You then ride with another deputy for fourteen weeks of field training. We’ve been around since 1845 and the knowledge and wisdom that comes with all those years is incredible. This isn’t a job; this is a lifelong career.

TW: Members of the police force witness horrendous acts of violence. How do you cope with those visions and experiences?

Andrea: It comes with the business.

The things we witness are actually happening to real people. If they can deal with the personal tragedies, then I can certainly handle my part of it.

TW: What would you consider to be your greatest career accomplishment?

Andrea: I’m proud of everything I’ve done with the Sheriff ’s Office. I came to this agency as a 21year-old kid, and learned so much.

They trained me, equipped me and gave me the support to handle every assignment I’ve had, from working street-level narcotics to a long-term undercover sting operation. They have provided immense support, allowing me to succeed in all of my assignments.

photo by HollowTree Images

TW: If you weren’t a detective, what would you be?

Andrea: I’d be an interior designer.

I feel that I have a creative eye, and I love seeing a room come together piece by piece.

If you are interested in pursuing a career in law enforcement with the Hillsborough County Sheriff ’s Office, log onto this link www.hcso. tampa.fl.us/Careers.aspx to learn more information, including details on training, pay grades, various opportunities, requirements, and more.

I thoroughly enjoy coming to work every single day. Not many people can say that about their chosen career field. www.tampawomanonline.com

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Professional

Meet TARA PAYOR

of the Tampa Bay Area Writing Project

by Ruth Chapman

I

n this day of school violence, poor report cards and scandal, it’s nice when something positive relating to education happens. Meet Tara Payor. She is a graduate associate at the University of South Florida and a doctoral candidate. In her spare time (as if there were any) she is a consultant with the Tampa Bay Area Writing Project (TBAWP), the local affiliate of the National Writing Project, housed in Berkeley at the University of South California.

Tara Payor This summer, Tara is joining 23 colleagues from around the United States for a twelve-day seminar at the New York City Memorial Library Holocaust Center. Why is this important? Did you know that the State of Florida mandates by law that schools teach about the Holocaust? Tara and her colleagues are going to study with Holocaust survivors and learn firsthand from their personal experiences. She will then go back to Tampa and through the TBAWP teach educators how to teach about the Holocaust.

Tara says that through the local Writing Project, she and others go into the local schools, upon request, and determine what that school’s needs are in both reading and writing curricula. In fact, her doctoral studies include a PhD in curriculum and instruction with an emphasis on Secondary English Education.

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material such as The Diary of Ann Frank. Without the historical information, the story does not have as much impact. If students do not understand the historical context, they believe things like the Holocaust could have been avoided if the Jews had just been more assertive. But dealing with such serious subject matter is often intimidating for teachers. That’s why it is important to spend some time on the subject; asking questions when designing the curriculum such as, what can the student gain from this? And what is the emotional maturity of the class being taught.

Holocaust experts agree that it is necessary for English teachers to give a bit of the Holocaust background when assigning reading

Tara believes it is important for her to gain this additional information as she is preparing teachers to enter the profession and she needs to understand how to best help educators and the students with whom they teach. By attending this prestigious seminar, she hopes to 1. Meet new people from elementary to middle school levels and beyond; 2. To hear what teachers feel they need in order to better teach their students; 3. To hear what the student’s needs are

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

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Women

and; 4. To better understand how much different the schools needs are especially with the prevalence of the Internet, YouTube and overall technology advances.

She recalled that when she was in school the Internet was not used much as a teaching tool at all and certainly there were not down-

Who Pays for This?

I’m glad you asked. The National Writing Project in Berkeley, CA just had most of it’s federal funding cut as they were considered an “earmark” by Congress. At the local level, that funding has also been cut substantially so, the local sites have to create alternate ways to generate revenue and adapt how

Holocaust experts agree that it is necessary for English teachers to give a bit of the Holocaust background when assigning reading material such as The Diary of Ann Frank. loadable videos. But now, by going to www.thememorialliabrary. org, one can view a Holocaust survivor’s story. As our survivors are aging and passing on, it’s more important than ever to share their stories so that this valuable history is not overlooked or forgotten.

funds are allocated. And we all know how well education is being funded for the essentials, much less anything beyond basic.

Out of 130 applicants, only 24 fellows were chosen; Tara is proud to be one of them. The background of

Tara serving as a panelist at the International Congress of Qualitative Inquiry

the applicants varies from teacher educators to English/Language Arts teachers, social studies teachers and the like. The fellows participating in this seminar are housed for free at Columbia University, although they are not connected to the work. The participants also receive a $1,000 fellowship, round-trip airfare and a small stipend for local needs.

The seminar takes place from July 5-18, 2011 in New York City. In order to be considered for the seminar, one must submit an application detailing their experience with Holocaust education and writing about what they will do to share the information that is imparted from the seminar.

Letters of Recommendation are also required and Tara would like to thank: Dr. Pat Jones, Director of the local Tampa Bay Area Writing Project and Dr. Mark Greenberg, Director of the Holocaust and Genocide Studies Center at the University of South Florida for their endorsements.

There is also required reading material prior to the seminar. In case you are interested, the re-

quired reading is The World Must Know published by the US Holocaust Memorial Museum and Samantha Power’s 2007 book A Problem from Hell: America and the Age of Genocide. Other interesting reading recommended by the institute on the subject would be Five Chimneys: A Woman Survivor’s True Story of Auschwitz by Olga Lengyel whose legacy supports the work of the Memorial Library, and whose former home is also the site of the Memorial Library, where the seminar class meetings will be held.

If your school is interested in securing the services of the Tampa Bay Area Writing Project you can contact them at: Tampa Bay Area Writing Project University of South Florida College of Education, EDU 162 4202 East Fowler Avenue Tampa, FL 33620-5650 Director Pat Jones Phone: (813) 974-7310 Fax: (813) 974-3837 Email: tbawp_usf@yahoo.com

Where You & Your Financial Goals Come First!

Kimberly D. Overman, CFP™ President & CEO Registered Investment Advisor

www.thefinancialwell.com • 813.229.2000 www.tampawomanonline.com

21

Survivin’ and Thrivin’

by Susan Gernhart

Ta m p a Wo m an c e l e b r a t e s t h e s u r v i vo r i n yo u

A

s a restaurant worker for many years, Lisa was used to taking orders; she just never expected to be taking them from her husband.

Born in Atlanta, GA, she moved to Tampa Bay with her parents and younger brother (now in Homosassa) when she was eight years old.

raised three young sons while watching her beloved mother suffer from lung cancer (which metastasized into a brain tumor).

After graduating from Jefferson High School in the late 70’s, the former psychology major left USF after one and a half unfulfilling years to pursue a career in the hospitality industry. She held numerous positions in restaurants and hotels, as a server, hostess, cocktail waitress, sandwich makers, and even a bookkeeper and assistant manager.

After her marriage dissolved, the now 52-year-old moved to Brooksville so she could be closer to her support system in Hernando County.

After a year of dating, she married Bruce, whom she described as “handsome, nice, considerate and respectful,” in 1984.

Not too long after the cake had been cut and presents had been opened, those positive characteristics transitioned to negative, violent ones.

Soon, the proverbial “black cloud” formed over Lisa’s head and to this day, it has yet to dissipate. While juggling constant harassment and put downs from her spouse, she

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Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

Like so many women, Lisa admits, “I just wanted someone to love me.

He told me that he loved me and I believed him.”

Lisa shared her story, but asked Tampa Woman to respect her children’s privacy. In honoring her request, we refer to her three children by their first initials: “K” (19 years old); “T” (17); and “D” (14). The recipients of food stamps and Medicaid, life has not been easy for these young men.

TW: What first attracted you to Bruce?

Lisa: He was a sweet guy. While

Real

Women

we were dating, he cooked for me and listened to country-western music. After we got married, it was like he forgot how to use the stove and began listening to heavy rock music. It was like I married a completely different person. He had really never held a real job because he didn’t like working for other people. He wanted to open his own business, which I helped him with. He obtained his dealer’s license and opened a vintage motorcycle shop in 1988, which lasted about fifteen years.

TW: Did drugs and/or alcohol play a part in his life?

Lisa: Drugs have been a prevalent part of his life for a very long time. He started taking marijuana since he was a teenager and hasn’t stopped. I know he has used other narcotics as well, and I’m convinced that the combination of all those drugs short circuited something in his brain!

TW: When did the abusive behavior begin?

Lisa: He didn’t become physically violent until after my first son was born, but he had an attitude and temper before then. For example, he has always been an aggressive “road rage” type of driver, and he’s famous for playing the “blame game”. Nothing is ever his fault or responsibility.

He has the typical “my way of the highway” narcissist attitude that is very typical of abusers. It’s a very small universe when there’s somebody else in it. Everyone is there to serve their needs and if you don’t do things their way, they’ll force you…or else.

He’d also drag me out of bed in the middle of the night, demanding me to make him something to drink.

TW: How bad did the physical violence get?

Lisa: As cliché as it sounds, he started off very controlling – he wanted to know why I spoke to my mother daily, he didn’t like my friends, and

Celebrating the so on. I never had visible bruises, but he would push and shove me against the wall and slap me in the face. After he was released from his first arrest in 1994, he told me that if he didn’t use his hands, it wasn’t considered abuse. Instead, he would “chest bump” me hard into the wall, hold his hands in the air and say, “I’m not abusing you.”

TW: Did you ever fight back?

Lisa: I didn’t want to get in a fistfight. I’ve learned from my male cousins that they tend to get more violent if you show fear, so I would just back myself up against a wall stare him down with my best poker face. My only defense was to now show him any fear.

TW: Did you ever try couples counseling?

Lisa: Yes, but it’s hard to attend sessions with someone who is always right. If the counselor agreed with him, he would say, “I told you so.”

If something was said against him, then he accused the therapist of now knowing anything. That kind of attitude completely defeats the purpose of counseling!

TW: What kind of affect did the abuse have on your self confidence?

Lisa: It’s so easy for your confidence to deflate after someone berates you for so long. I had experienced panic attacks for awhile.

There were times when I had to literally remove myself from situations. After my divorce, a friend of mine offered me a part time job at her flower shop. It was only fifteen hours a week, but she did me such a favor. It gave me a boost and made me realize that I could work and interact with others.

TW: Why is it so hard for women to leave their abuser?

Lisa: One of my former instructors was a state attorney, who, of course, always had trouble getting women to prosecute their abusers.

They say they love their man, but the truth is, we’re scared to death

and that’s a very hard thing to admit. Intimidation is very powerful and your fear of the ‘bad guy’ is greater than your faith in the system to protect you. An injunction or restraining order isn’t always effective.

TW: Do you currently have faith in the system?

Lisa: I wish I did, but I don’t. I began educating myself, doing a lot of research on my own, and I hope other women do the same.

TW: How long were you at The Spring?

Lisa: I stayed at the shelter from January-March 1999, and then

several of us would say, “my husband/boyfriend has told me the same thing!”

TW: Did The Spring save your life?

Lisa: It’s a safe place for women and their children to go, and I truly believe that they have saved many lives. Studies show that when a woman leaves her abuser, the first 72 hours are most dangerous. That is when most of them are killed. It certainly saved me from further abuse.

TW: What are you doing to get your life back on track?

Lisa: When I was at The Spring, I

As cliché as it sounds, he started off very controlling – he wanted to know why I spoke to my mother daily, he didn’t like my friends, and so on. stayed in their after-care program (subsidized housing) for a full two years, until March 2001. I never expected to stay there that long.

I packed up the kids and went, thinking it was a short-term solution so I could I get some breathing space and he could calm down.

When he realized I was gone, he told people that I was suicidal and the children were in danger.

TW: What did the other women at The Spring teach you?

Lisa: We all shared the same experiences of varying degrees. One thing I learned is that people who have very little or nothing, are the ones who are most willing to help those who have even less.

I did learn that the only difference between these guys is that the level of physical violence differs. They really are clones of one another.

They say the exact same words.

Someone would tell a story and

went to Hillsborough Community College and got a degree in Internet Technology. I had no computer knowledge or experience, and they helped me immensely.

I also returned to school again and got an Associate in Science degree in Paralegal Studies. I just completed my internship and hope to find a job in the field, specifically within family law and domestic violence issues. Right now, I’m also selling Mary Kay cosmetics to help make ends meet.

TW: What or who keeps you going every day?

Lisa: I do get tired and frustrated with his never-ending harassment.

I’ve had many arguments with the Lord as to why He keeps letting Bruce get away with all this stuff.

Like David in the Psalms – “How long, oh Lord, how long”? But that usually happens because I take my eyes off God and look at my prob-

Survivor in You!

lem. When I get my focus back on the person it should be on (Jesus), I realize that God is in control and will work everything out. It’s sad when someone’s goal in life is to make yours completely miserable, but you do what you have and keep going forward.

TW: What do you want people to know?

Lisa: Abuse doesn’t stop; it just changes form. If you leave, the physical abuse stops because he doesn’t have access to you, but the emotional and mental abuse continues. Every time my kids pass on a message from him or I have to go to court, it starts all over again.

TW: Are you dating? Do you believe in love?

Lisa: I am actually seeing someone – a longtime friend and neighbor that I grew up with. We reconnected in 2002, and yes, I do believe in love and hope to get married again someday.

If anyone has a story they would like to share or has ideas on ways the system can better serve victims, feel free to contact Lisa at: lisadk100@hotmail. com. She would love to hear from other survivors.

In her words, “When one person speaks, sometimes no one listens.

When we combine our voices, they will have no choice BUT to listen!”

The Spring of Tampa Bay is Hillsborough County’s only certified Domestic Violence Prevention and Emergency Shelter Agency. If you need help, call their 24-hour crisis hotline at (813) 247-SAFE (7233), or log onto their website at www.thespring.org.

www.tampawomanonline.com

23

Health & Wellness

SkinTALK with Toni

S Toni Sloman However, when it comes to summer, the sun giveth, but the sun also taketh away. We need to take the best of what the sun gives us, protect ourselves from potential damage and be ready to resupply what is diminished.

Tampa’s unique combination of ethnicities creates a diversity of skin types that react differently to sun exposure. The amount of melanin in skin types can provide a protective element or put one at more risk. A strong olive complexion can inherently tolerate more exposure than a fair-skinned

ummer is a time for relaxation; a chance to break away from routines and renew the spirit! The warm beach sand between our toes, the unique smell of the sea in the air, and the warmth and relaxation of summer is a wonderful gift we are given here in Florida.

freckled complexion, and many of us are a “mix” of the two. So… we end up with skin that is scattered with brown spots, superficial red vessels, and dry and crusty areas that are lacking vitality.

The great thing about skin is that it is our largest organ and the only one we can readily SEE! If we saw a brown spot on our lung, we would be worried. Cigarette smoke and other toxins can insidiously create that damage. But skin is honest and straight forward and the first to tell us when it’s hurt. Use summer’s end to listen to what you see

your skin is saying. Here are some cost effective suggestions to correct summer’s damage and restore its health.

pigment from past damage that has not reached the surface yet. It typically takes 3-4 treatments to give you a good, corrective result.

Intense Pulsed Light (IPL) – This light is similar to the old, bright flash bulbs that were used in photography. The difference is the power of the light and the depth of this light which is set to coincide with certain pigments within different skin layers. The laser can be set to destroy the red vessels at the skin’s surface or deeper to destroy the pigment that makes up the brown spots. It will also draw up

The goal should be to correct the skin so there is no need for potentially harsh topical products that require a daily regimen and are not nearly as effective. It is better to correct the problem, and then do what is needed to maintain the correction.

Another benefit of IPL is that the warmth of the laser can kill off the bacteria that cause acne. Keep in

Sunscreen is your most important beauty product to prevent worsening damage and to control future damage.

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Women

Health & Wellness mind that acne on the back and other body parts also benefit from IPL. Also, once you have corrective IPL therapy and you know how to protect the results, you may well only need a treatment or two a year to maintain it.

Skin Savvy has recently acquired another laser called the Varilite made by Iridex, one of the three top choices in a national study.

The hand piece on this laser is much like a pen or pencil with a very specific laser beam that targets stubborn nasal vessels and the chronic vasodilatation of Rosacea. The deeper setting laser treats purple veins, elevated ‘skin tags’, darker freckles and discoloration of scars from prior surgeries. The “down time” is 7- 10 days with minimal alteration of your appearance.

“Peels” and acid application – There are safe and therapeutic skin

peel procedures that successfully remove the superficial dead skin cells on the skins surface. Salicylic, lactic and glycolic acids, can be combined with mild concentrations of retinoic acid, and are very effective tools in correcting sun damage and to maintain the result of your laser treatments.

Tips for healthy skin:

• Sunscreen is your most impor-

tant beauty product to prevent worsening damage and to control future damage.

• Your skin is not stimulated to make new cells when it is covered with a blanket of dead cells.

You must break skin cells up for them to be stimulated to make new cells, (but they take instruction well). Moisturizers work best when applied to skin that actually absorbs something!

• IPL, (laser) and peels can accomplish great correction and clear healthy skin. But, traumatizing

the skin with overly aggressive treatments can be far worse than severe sunburn. So be cautious what you sign up for.

• Therapeutic home care is very under-rated!! There are effective home care products out there that cost far less than what you spend at the cosmetic counter, and with much better results!

Make an appointment with a medical aesthetician to know what is right for you and why.

AND…..for all of those who can’t visit us and want the best drugstore deal…. I offer the following: I really like the new brand called CeraVe. The cream is more moisturizing than I have seen in a long time. If you apply to your feet, and then put warm socks on, it really helps to soothe and moisturize your tired paws. Great for hands and legs too! Available at CVS and Walgreens.

Coppertone’s Sport, SPF 15 or 30 remains a favorite of mine. There is much less risk of burning and stinging if it gets in your eyes.

While you have to reapply every 2 or 3 hours, that is true of all sunscreens and the chemical components of this one makes it less irritating.

Enjoy the rest of your summer!!

Toni Sloman is an advanced registered nurse practitioner who spent the first 15 years of her career working in facial plastic surgery. For the past 8 years she has specialized in facial injections, including Botulinum A toxin and numerous brand name dermal fillers.

In 2005, she opened Skin Savvy Rx on Azeele Street in Tampa, where she works with Dr. Scott Graham and a knowledgeable team of professionals who specialize in the latest non-surgical advances in skin care.

Where art meet s science

S O U T H T A M P A ’ S M O S T E S T A B LI S H E D M E D I C A L S P A

Botox • Restylane • Juvederm • Radiesse • Dysport Laser Rejuvenation • Hydra-Facials • Micro Peels • Laser Hair Removal

813.870.9000

2802 West Azeele Street | Tampa | FL 33609

www.skinsavvyrx.com

Scott Graham, M.D. Medical Director

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25

Health & Wellness

SLEEP Much?

W

Shapes Fitness for Women

e sat down with Lisea Julien, co-founder of Shapes Fitness for Women to discuss the importance of sleep.

Lisea: A recent survey found more women are sleeping less than six hours a night, and sleep difficulties visit 75% of us at least a few nights per week. Chronic sleep loss, which contributes to health issues such as high blood pressure, and a decrease in the immune system’s power is effecting more women than ever before.

TW: Interesting but most women worry about their appearance. If you don’t look tired, how important is sleep?

Lisea: Studies show sleep deprivation may inhibit one’s ability to lose weight – even while exercising and eating well! One showed that restricting sleep to 4 hours per night for a week wore down healthy young adults to the point some had the glucose and insulin characteristics of diabetics.

Enough sleep helps your overall health and healthy looks good on any woman.

In general, most healthy adults are built for 16 hours of wakefulness and need about eight hours of sleep a night. However, some can function without drowsiness with six hours of sleep. Others can’t perform at their peak unless they’ve slept ten hours.

TW: Don’t we need less sleep as we mature?

Lisea: Actually, contrary to common myth, the need for sleep doesn’t decline with age but the ability to sleep for six to eight hours uninterrupted may be reduced.

TW: Who is most at risk for sleep deficiency?

Lisea: Groups that are at particular risk for sleep deprivation include night shift workers, physicians, truck drivers, parents and teenagers. Also, for women, pregnancy

TW: What if you have trouble falling asleep?

Lisea: Well, exercise can help. A vigorous workout makes you more alert and energized by speeding up your metabolism. That’s great during the day but exercise right before bedtime can lead to a poor night’s sleep. Experts recommend exercising at least three hours before bedtime to put that energy to good use. And, it’s important to allow your body time to cool as cooler body temperatures are associated with sleep onset.

TW: How much sleep does a person need?

Lisea: Individual sleep needs vary.

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by Lisea Julien

Celebrating, Motivating and Educating

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Women

and hormonal shifts including those that cause premenstrual syndrome (PMS) or menopause and its accompanying hot flashes can also intrude on sleep.

Six good reasons to exercise regularly and catch more ZZZ’s: 1. Memory: Sleep helps the brain commit new information to memory.

2. Weight: Chronic sleep deprivation may cause weight gain by affecting our metabolism and the way our body’s process and store carbohydrates by altering levels of hormones that affect our appetite.

3. Safety: Sleep deficiency contributes to a tendency to fall asleep during our active day; these lapses may cause mishaps, mistakes, and accidents

Lisea Julien 4. Mood: Sleep loss may result in irritability, impatience, and the inability to concentrate.

5. Health: Serious sleep disorders have been linked to hypertension, increased stress hormone levels and irregular heartbeat.

6. Disease: Sleep deprivation alters immune function, including the activity of the body’s killer cells.

Keeping up with sleep may also help fight cancer.

Lisea Julien is the Co-founder of Shapes Fitness for Women, a full service health and wellness club, exclusively for women. Shapes offers group classes, personal coaching, cardio conditioning and aqua fitness at 13 convenient Tampa Bay locations. Call Lisea at (813) 413-3255 for more information or visit www.ShapesTotalFitness.com

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27

A Personal Note

S

chool is starting back in a few weeks. Where did the Summer go? It feels like New Year’s all over again as I make a mental list of what I will do differently this year than I did last year. Being the mother of four very active children can fill a twenty four hour day like nothing else I have experienced.

It is a sad time and a happy time. Each of our children has passed into another stage of their development.

Our oldest son got a restricted driver’s license. He can officially take himself to football practice and school.

I know what my mom meant now when she said, “you worry about your children no matter what age they are, Lori. That is simply part of being a Mother.” I fought back tears as he drove away from our home on his first trip for milk. All these things are a part of the natural progression of growing up.

Trey Trey

Our thirteen year old daughter is becoming a little less of a cut-up and a lot more of a young lady. Worrying about the things that growing girls worry about is a part of the rite of passage for young women. She is spending more time on her hair than she used too. She suddenly thinks mascara and lip gloss are as essential as a shirt and a pair of shoes. I am sometimes afraid to go to sleep at night wondering what in those seven or on some very rare occasions eight hours of night time I might miss as she grows up before my very eyes.

She changes subtly from day to day. I remember when all she needed was a ring pop and soft baby doll to be happy.

Colton showed us he has a heart for the trials of others with his “Going Bald for Bella” event and started wearing glasses this summer. I was so happy to have that teachable moment with my son. To have him come down the stairs of our home and say, “Mom, I want to shave my head for childhood cancer.” I have to say I was very proud that day. At eight years old he was inspired by a baseball coach to make a difference in someone else’s life by shaving his Justin Beiberish locks to raise money for a little girl’s medical bills.

Abby Abby

My baby, Ryan, learned to swim on his own. Ryan loves the water like some children love candy. It is something special to find those things that light them up. When someone says, “Do you want to go swimming?” his big blue eyes widen and his smile stretches from one ear to the other with innocent happiness. The expression that comes on his face when someone is playing the piano or offering him a dinosaur shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As a four year old, he has become easy going which is a sharp contrast to the demanding ways of a two year old.

It isn’t that I mind Trey being able to save me a trip to the store, or Abby looking a little more like a young woman, or Colton trusting himself enough to make a decision on his own, or even the little ease of worry because Ryan can make it from one end of the pool to the other by himself. I am proud of each one of them for taking the next steps in their lives. It’s that each trip to the grocery story is one trip farther way from needing me to take care of him. It’s that one day a young man will become Abby’s best friend, and mama will be a weekend or a once a day call. It’s that my advice won’t always be regarded as sacred, just another opinion. It’s that one day I will be watching from the patio chairs instead of welcomed to join him to splash around in the pool. Because if I do my “job” right and I “mother” them the way they need, doesn’t that mean I am simply a teacher guiding them toward their own independence?

Colton Colton

So forgive me if I still insist on goodnight hugs, and “I love you’s”, even if it isn’t “cool.” Mamas aren’t supposed to be “cool” they are supposed to be safe. A safe place to go home too, always waiting with a smile and a whole lot of love, with open arms and an open heart. No matter how “grown” her children are. So mama kiss your babies, hug them tight, always smile when you see them and always, always love them.

God Bless you,

Psalm 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Lori Samples Duncan

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Ryan Ryan photos by Cathy Lindner

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