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STATLER & WALDORF
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THE RAENSALEER PLAN 2017
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vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's name in vain. I w not take the Lord Shirley's
May 1, 2017 To: The Rensselaer Community From: Noah Tebben B.S. IT Web Science, B.S. Business Management Editor-in-Chief, Statler & Waldorf Re: A memo from the Editor-in-Chief On behalf of the magazine and all of us here at Statler & Waldorf, I have to say…we’ve started working out again. We had some stellar times together back in the good old days, back when we had dreams and aspirations and some killer calves. And yeah, then we started eating too much pizza at Commons, and we threw up at your frat house that one time, and then the Poly drew a bunch of dicks on our face when we fell asleep and we had a good laugh, but then you left. We didn’t know how to cope for awhile. We tried to win you back with candy and poems and hell we even started to think we didn’t need you, we just needed a cat and that was good enough but NO. We’re crunching iron and lifting treadmills and we’ve grown so much. As we go forward, we’re going to be putting the news back in ‘fake news’ and the Poly back in ‘polygamous deviancy’. In all seriousness, thank you for keeping us in mind by throwing away our posters and recycling our issues, thank you Kevin for putting those posters on the map, thank you Alex and Izzi for giving us the style that the
Poly wouldn’t touch with a 10-ft pole, thank you Parth and Peter for giving us endless Twitter content and thank you Chester for revitalizing the troops and thank you Oleg for the noise violations and thank you Shannon for naively putting your faith in us. Big thanks to Sheer Idiocy for reminding us how to be serious about getting silly and additional praise to the RPI Players for sticking with us and sharing their stories. We truly wouldn’t be on a bright path forward without the insights from our E-Board rep Conrad and the counsel of our dearly-departed PU, Chip. Remaining thanks to the other Chip from Alchar, whoever our SARP is at the time of printing, and hell, thank you to Kris for propping up S&W with two-and-a-half years’ worth of content fit to print. It was worth every administrative meeting and we’ll miss you. Alright, I’m done being sentimental and it is with extreme sadness that I announce that I must go off to turn into the infamous group of S&W alumni. I know the crew looks forward to delighting and horrifying you from here on out. &
N OA H T E B B E N , EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
CONT E NTS C U LT U R E
01 Official S&W Campus Dining Guide 03 Avenue Q: Behind the Scenes
MCKINNEY CONTEST
05 06 07 08
WHITEŠ by Molly Kerwick Homefried by Noah Tebben Paper Cuts by Zachariah Spurrier The Modern Eugenics Wars: An International Debate of the Morality Behind Genetic Engineering by Jenna Schulman
E N T E RTA I N M E N T
09 Beer Mead Review 10 The S&W Crossword Brain-Blast
HUMOR
FO RTN I G H TLY FOTO We're environmentally friendly! Just look at all the crap we refuse to throw away...
11 The Alternative Tuition Payment Methods That RPI Won't Tell You 12 Poster Cult Discovered on Campus 13 An HGTV Tour of the e Y E Chapter of dIk 15 Point/Counterpoint: Toilet Paper 16 Ain't Nobody Got Time for Fap
STAF F Editor-in-Chief Noah Tebben Managing Editor Izzi Cain Business Manager Chester Kowalski
E D I TO R I A L
Culture Editor Alex Zylka Humor Editor Peter Wood News Editor Parth Bhide Op-Ed Editor Oleg Yakovets Selections Editor Kevin Phoenix
DESIGN
S TAFF P H OTO Statler & Waldorf | Rensselaer Union Room 3314 | 110 8th St. | Troy, NY 12180 | sw@union.rpi.edu | Issue 17.4 | May 2017 Statler & Waldorf is published while classes are in session by the students of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute under the authority of the Rensselaer Student Union. It is provided to the community at no charge. Opinions expressed within this publication are not necessarily those of the staff or Editorial Board of Statler & Waldorf, the Rensselaer Student Union, or Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Pieces in the Humor section are satirical in nature and do not necessarily refer to real places or people. These pieces are for entertainment value only. The Editorial Board reserves the right to edit all submissions in compliance with the Statler & Waldorf Style Guide. All submissions should be sent to sw@union.rpi.edu. Please see our webpage, [http://sw.union.rpi.edu], for more information.
Copy & Composing Editor Alex Zylka Copy & Composing Editor Jr. Izzi Cain Webmaster Kevin Phoenix Webmaster Jr. Peter Wood
CONTRIBUTING MEMBERS
Shannon "Spoon" Barrett, Bobby Martino, Lt. Snow Snake, 054B, The Association for Truth, Joe Iaquinto
This issue was proudly made from paper sourced from the Brazilian rainforests.
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THE OFFICIAL S&W CAMPUS DINING GUIDE KEVIN PHOENIX, SELECTIONS EDITOR
THE BEST EATS OF RPI
With the semester coming to a swift close, this issue will inevitably be sitting around in excess quantities ready to capture the curious minds of the incoming Class of 2021. As so many of us are tied to a Sodexo meal plan, we felt it would be only appropriate to provide a quick run-down of the best way to navigate RPI’s disappointing cuisine.
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COMMONS Our first stop is Commons, the ultimate tradeoff of quality for quantity. Commons easily beats the other halls in terms of quantity, and that’s all it has going for it. Commons provides the largest selection for all students, although what you find may be disappointing. Don’t get too excited over the pizza, as “snowshoe” pizza is pretty bland and annoying to consume. The crust is lacking, the sauce is flavorless and the cheese isn’t enough to save it. If you are left wanting to try this offering, be careful. Taking more than two pieces may leave you with an angry Sodexo lady screaming at you because she doesn’t want to have to make more “pizza.” Another letdown to watch out for is the cheese sauce, while it may look enticing atop fries, nachos, or a Sodexo cheese steak, it is terribly bland and not worth it. Commons isn’t all bad news, though! The Pacifica section is decent and occasionally has fantastic sweet & sour chicken or a green bean stir-fry. That green bean stir-fry is musthave; it will be required for graduation. Soft-serve chocolate and vanilla are both offered, so there are always consistent, even if mundane, dessert options. — SAGE (RSDH) Russell Sage Dining Hall is a whole other beast from Commons. Compared to Common’s large selection, Sage’s selection is quite a bit more limited, ousting the Pacifica section and overall being a bit smaller. Good news: what is lost in selection is gained in dining
experience. The dining room is more removed from the kitchen area and has better furnishings for students to consume their meals in—assuming you are allowed in. Sage is restricted to only select students during lunch, leaving many first and second year
LALLY GALLEY — RATING: &&&&& BLITMAN — RATING: &&&&&
EVELYN'S CAFE (EMPAC) — RATING: &&&&&
students to hike back up to Commons anyways. As far as food goes at Sage, it's a hair better than Commons. The pizza is better and frequently in a more conventional “pie” shape, but the burger toppings are more limited. For desserts, there are often pastries provided they haven’t run out yet, and the same coffee
and pumpkin hard ice cream that literally no one wants but they leave it out until it is gone, which usually takes about a week. Sage and Commons also both offer to-go meals, which some students may find convenient. Often times there will be the same sandwiches featuring bland
lunch meat and wilted lettuce, plus last night’s leftovers in a little microwavable container. If you have flex dollars, you would likely be much better served at the Student Union. — (continued on page 14)
EDITOR'S CHOICE!
BARH — RATING: &&&&&
SAGE BEANERY — RATING: &&&&&
STUDENT UNION — RATING: &&&&& SAGE (RSDH) — RATING: &&&&& COMMONS — RATING: &&&&&
JAZZMAN'S — RATING: &&&&&
MOE'S — RATING: &&&&&
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(FROM LEFT) HANNAH LIGHTNER, MARC BARBRET, JESSICA SPENCER, BRYCE MILLER, PIXIE SIROIS.
CHIARA MANCINELLI SHINES AS LUCY.
AVENUE Q: BEHIND THE SCENES NOAH TEBBEN, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
all claim you witnessed at least one threesome had some time to enjoy the Players’ tantalizing production here at grand old RPI. of Avenue Q. Within the wild tale of Sesame Street gone rogue, We here at S&W certainly enjoyed every bit we at S&W found some hidden gems going into the production of the show. If you made it to one of the many, many shows that we felt you should know. (necessary from all of the demand) then you now have a fuller In our formal review we noted that the puppets were a nice picture of the Players’ hard work. For everyone else, the surprise and well-decorated with costumes and detail. Ap- Players are getting bigger and bolder, and you should keep parently, the inclusion of puppets was a surprise for most of your eyes on them over the next few semesters. The team the auditioning cast as well. Auditions worked as such: Avenue wanted to thank Frank Leavitt for his 10th show with the Q hopefuls would go in and be asked to perform a song of Players and his excellent work in directing the score over the their choice. Bryce Miller found success in singing “Corner past month and give a well-deserved congratulations to the of the Sky” from Pippin, noting that the main character from entire cast and crew for a fantastic production. & that play was also on a quest for purpose, and it seems the subtle strategy worked out well! After that musical interlude, [Editor’s Note: The Players’ financial advice on porn investcandidates were then presented with an actual puppet and ments has led S&W to lofty heights. Look out for our full-page asked to do readings. Very few had expected the fluffy com- ads in the Poly showcasing why exactly puppet-themed synpanions, as was the case with Pranav Suppal during his au- dication is better than the rest.] dition. He ended up becoming Trekkie Monster, and he noted, “It just kinda happened! I went in on a whim and had no idea that there were puppets or anything.” The oblivious strategy also seemed to work out, though I must note that Pranav’s ability to sing a tune in the gruff baritone of Trekkie Monster and stuff his hands up fuzzy animals is unparalleled. In store for showgoers was Bryce Miller, a.k.a. Princeton, has actually already escaped the tuition-laden clutches of RPI and yet still came back to do the show. The Stockholm-addled lead told me that it isn’t uncommon for alumni and community members to join in on the fun. Okay, so Players policy is all well and good, but what’s more exciting? Puppet sex. We had to know how exactly the shadow-puppetry of sweet sweet lovin’ was conducted. You'd have noticed that in scenes where a puppet needs to use two hands, there would be two actors manning the puppet because the first actor needed both hands to work the puppet mouth and one of the hands. This third-wheel action was usually gracefully handled by Kit Hammer, and remained true for the steamy scene in question. While there were two puppets in the bay window during the scene, there were three people flailing away up there, and now you can PIXIE SIROIS & BRYCE MILLER PRACTICED REAL HARD FOR THEIR PUPPET SEX SCENE. BY T HE TIME YO U’R E RE A D I N G T H I S , H O PE F UL LY YOU
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C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S
MCK I NN E Y C O N TES T. MCKIN N EY CONTEST. MC K INNEY CONTEST. MCK INNE Y C O N T E S T.
Paper Cuts — Zachariah Spurrier Undergraduate Essay/Creative Nonfiction, 1st Prize
Love, “Take this ambiguously, but I like you.” “And...you want me to reciprocate?” “Well...yes I th—“ “I like you too. Ambiguously.” “Oh, thank goodness.” “Ha, yeah...Wow.....................We can make this work...Right?” “I think we can...I would love to.” “What will your family think?” “They’ll be okay, probably, at least the ones who are close. Yours?” “Ummm............I don’t know. It’ll be hard, I think...Really hard. “Well...you’ve got me.” “I’ve got you.” Jack The same name I used to whisper and rhyme. The same name I pretended to see in clouds and tea leaves. The same name I still run into, a sort of serendipitous blessing, a holy torture. Sometimes, accidentally, I’ll say his name, referring to whomever, and after a volley of apologies, I’ll crouch down into silence. I’ll wait, and I’ll sort through thoughts to figure out why I’m naming phantoms. I will eventually recover with more questions than answers and an ache to evoke his name with purpose.
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Read the rest of this piece and more from the 2017 McKinney Contest winners at http://sw.union.rpi.edu
M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T
. MCKI NN E Y C O N TES T. MCKIN N EY CONTEST. MC K INNEY CONTEST. MC K IN N E Y C O N T E S T
The Modern Eugenics Wars: An International Debate of the Morality Behind Genetic Engineering — Jenna Schulman Undergraduate Essay/Creative Nonfiction, 3rd Prize
Abstract Genetic engineering (GE) has become one of the most controversial issues because of its potential to create enhanced individuals manufactured to be superior in both physical and mental aspects. Such potential leaves room for destruction as while this ability could heighten individuals in the military, it could also enhance individuals looking to cause destruction. By analyzing characters of science fiction, specifically between the famous and ruthless Star Trek villain, Khan Noonien Singh, and Marvel Comic’s hero, Captain America, trends can be drawn to determine ways to prevent this technology from being used for destruction or even if this research should be continued at all. Many arguments claim that the solution to the GE crisis would be banning all forms of its research to prevent inequality among the human population; however this idea will be analyzed through the eyes of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. with his short story “Harrison Bergeron”. This paper will devise a compromise between the feuding sides to develop a safe and medically beneficial method to continue GE and prevent malpractices. Introduction Genetic engineering (GE) was once a fantastical notion devised by imagineers to create superheroes to inspire children’s moral development and arch nemeses to teach them about conflict; however, with the latest advancements in technology and medicine, GE has become part of reality and humans are conflicted in regards to the effect it could have on the human population. GE has been developed to boost both physical and mental abilities but there is fear regarding how these advancements might be used. The varied uses for GE will be analyzed by referencing Khan Noonien Singh, one of the most famous villains in the sci-fi universe. Originally appearing in Star Trek: The Original Series, created by Gene Roddenberry, (1967) he quickly gains fame as the cunning and ruthless adversary to Captain James T. Kirk and returns in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan (1982) and Star Trek: Into Darkness (2013). In contrast, Steve Rogers, or Captain America, will be analyzed as he appeared in Captain America: The First Avenger (2011). Additionally, because of fear of the consequences of GE research, many believe the solution to this conflict is banning all research in the field to prevent inequality among the human population (McConnell, 2010). This idea will be analyzed with “Harrison Bergeron,” a short story in which the government has created what they consider is an ‘equal’ society (Vonnegut Jr., 1961). In this paper, I will first describe the established methodologies and proposed applications of genetic engineering, distinguishing between realistic and more extreme ideas. Then, I will address and evaluate preconceived notions regarding biomedical enhancements before delving into the limitations of GE research. Subsequently, through the characterization of key genetically engineered individuals from science fiction literature, television, and cinema, I will address the consequences GE or the active prevention of GE will have on society in regards to equality. Finally I will address the idea of enforced equality through the eyes of Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. and propose an alternate solution to the issue of genetic engineering research.
Read the rest of this piece and more from the 2017 McKinney Contest winners at http://sw.union.rpi.edu
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C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S
MCK I NN E Y C O N TES T. MCKIN N EY CONTEST. MC K INNEY CONTEST. MCK INNE Y C O N T E S T.
WHITE© — Molly Kerwick Undergraduate Poetry, 1st Prize
100% Cotton RN 2016-10
EXTRA LARGE MACHINE WASH COLD
WITH LIKE COLORS WITH HOSE
ONLY NON-CHLORINE BLEACH IF NEEDED (NEEDED)
AIR DRY OR TOWEL PRESS SMOTHER THE FABRIC COOL IRON TO FLATTEN CULTURES MADE IN AMERICA WHITE©
M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T. M C K I N N E Y C O N T E S T
. MCKI NN E Y C O N TES T. MCKIN N EY CONTEST. MC K INNEY CONTEST. MC K IN N E Y C O N T E S T An X Upon This Ministry To turn this trick and instill an uptick there was nothing better than his wedding the grand outsider Homefried — Noah Tebben Undergraduate Poetry, 2nd Prize
social climber of early college grad first to leave first to wed and so too first to bring us back together from the fragile mess we’d left our hometown as homefried and thus the bounties were placed the last to take their hand off their date the first to break the big mistakes a game nobody spoke but with red X priced we could only estimate an ‘I knew it wouldn’t last’ for the young couple in the corner pre-made consolations served after the soup and I’ve no ground to talk as my date did deflate before the leather could hit the floor out of house and out of mind silver spoon still hogtied to the backs of our suits and gowns there was nothing better than his wedding to inspire as dire to take the blocks of our old grounds and seed them red scorched earth for brooding turf and fleeting verse and masked upon the skyline of wanderlust dreams the gates were built and the ties bereaved the grand outsider had sole happiness achieved
Read the rest of this piece and more from the 2017 McKinney Contest winners at http://sw.union.rpi.edu
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BEER MEAD REVIEW
THE KING'S MEAD HIDDEN LEGEND MEADERY $18/750ml | 12.5% ABV If you want to try mead and like sweeter drinks, this is your go-to. I never understood the term ‘bouquet’ when talking about drink flavors, but the honey taste in this mead really explodes after first taste and gives way to a lot of complex floral hints and is really satisfying to drink. Easily my favorite and perhaps a good start for wannabe whiskey drinkers because of the high alcohol content. Best served slightly chilled.
NOAH TEBBEN, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF/NOT UNDERAGE
IN A PROPER DISPLAY OF SENIOR
pre-graduation preparation, I bought a sampler pack of a few bottles of mead. (This means alcohol brewed with honey, for those that aren’t Vikings.) Since mead is a rare thing nowadays, let me introduce you to a new flavor sensation! &
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CHOKECHERRY MEAD HIDDEN LEGEND MEADERY $19/750ml | 12.5% ABV Considered a dry fruit mead, this one was not a favorite for my baby-esque taste buds. The fruit flavor is largely lost in the alcohol fumes of the drink. Actual whiskey drinkers might enjoy this one, as the honey flavor is light and not very sweet, and the tartness of the cherry wine inside accents the dry honey burn.
CROSSWORD
WHO'S WHO? 1
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ACROSS 2. New hockey coach 3. The real meanest man on campus 7. GM who had victory handed to him 8. RPI's actual D1 sport 9. Number of times S&W was sent to the principal's office this year 10. Late alumnus who sponsored the alumni house 12. What's actually hiding in the basement of West Hall
DOWN 1. The dining hall for RPI's elite and spoiled 3. What the entire Brazilian rainforest turned into 4. The Players' most recent production 5. A single maize, or Starbucks' newest abomination 6. This crossword is deliciously sponsored by ________ 11. The true RPI mug color
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ACROSS: 2) Smith; 3) Puckman; 7) Etzine; 8) SuperSmashBros; 9) One; 10) Heffner; 12) OurDignity DOWN: 1) Blitman; 3) Posters; 4) Avenue Q; 5) Unicorn; 6) Sodexo; 11) Red
THE ALTERNATIVE TUITION PAYMENT METHODS THAT RPI WON'T TELL YOU 054B, CONTRIBUTOR
RPI IS SUPER SPECIAL BECAUSE IT
has a language department that only offers one language: Chinese (Mandarin). The university is right to assume that with the ability to speak to over 1 billion new people on the planet, students make themselves much more marketable. But the administration recently admitted to the real reason why they really offer Chinese: sweet sweet tuition money. How is a language correlated to tuition? What the administration really wants students to do with the language is be able to haggle over their organ prices on the black market. It’s no secret that RPI has a pretty expensive price tag, and has a solid hiring rate for its graduates, but the economy is unstable. Not every company can afford engineers all the time. Sadly, no actual organ traders were found to interview, and we definitely don’t speak Chinese, but here are some prices expertly sourced from the front page of Googling “cost of organs on the black market”. These prices vary wildly from country to country. More on this later. A heart can go as high as $400k, and a liver for at least $100k. Given that RPI kills your soul and gives you a major drinking problem, you didn’t really need those organs to begin with. Now organs are cheaper in China than they are in the U.S., but the ease of selling in China makes it more appealing. There is a middle ground of shady smugglers running between the two countries. They’re often found in California running 11 STATLER & WALDORF • ISSUE 17.4 • MAY 2017
operations on the sly, so it takes a bit of a quest to reach the fortunes hiding in that meat sack of yours. Other students in the study of genetics have decided to devote a few years of their lives to said shady Chinese organ dealers in order to
cloned organ smugglers since RPI students aren’t ready for the air and might die before their indentured servitude runs out. These genetics students get 3 full years of research for the cost of tuition and living expenses during that time, and they
SM A L L I N T E ST I NE: $2, 519
PA I R O F E Y E BA L L S: $1, 525
C O RO NA RY A RT E RY: $1, 525 G A L L B L A D D E R : $ 1 , 219 SK U L L W I T H T E E T H : $ 1 , 2 00 SP L E E N : $ 5 0 8 STO M AC H : $ 5 0 8 H A N D /A R M : $ 3 8 5 B LO O D ( U. S. ) : $ 3 3 7 / P I NT BLOOD ( I N D I A ) : $ 2 5 / P I NT S K IN : $ 1 0 / SQ. I N. further the development of human clones. Given the air pollution in Beijing, it’s quite favorable to develop
still turn quite the profit for the fortune-desperate. There are also rumors of RPI
POSTER CULT DISCOVERED ON CAMPUS PARTH BHIDE, NEWS EDITOR
chemists and chemical engineers working to make drugs in Chinese labs that will be imported into the US. These rumors also report biologists working on addictive chemicals to make some extra Flex dollars. No one knows which profit margin is better between organ smuggling and drug making, but these students get to keep *all* of their organs, so that’s not a bad deal. Additionally, the drug market is a little bigger than the ‘harvesting clones for organ money’ market, but only for now. Banks are even starting to offer specialized student loans for these budding entrepreneurs. If you talk to the right person at the RPI SEFCU branch, for only $25 a month they can set you up with good connections. The best connections. They also give you your own personal RPI business student to manage your account, an entry-level Chinese broker, and a complimentary SEFCU scalpel. The real catch is that the business student gets a cut of the fee to help buy their own freedom, so you’ll really be giving back to the community. We’re glad to see students climbing out of debt on their own terms, and rumor has it the administration is fixing up our debt problem using some of these novel ideas. If you have your own success stories to share, or if you can help us reveal the identity of the infamous Dok Jakk, China’s biggest organ kingpin, write in and let us know! &
AS WITH ALL ELECTIONS, THE
recent elections at RPI have brought their fair share of rumors and intrigue. After spending hours scouring the internet, shady alleyways, and even a life-threatening foray into the basement of West Hall, a brave S&W reporter uncovered something so profound that his source has since dropped out of RPI. At least, that’s the official story. We believe his disappearance was yet another cover-up, orchestrated by the Order of the Dark Posters. It all began with the Order’s first strike, the mess of “Save the Union” posters. While the Order did not publish those posters, which were the act of genuinely-concerned students, they pulled all of the strings in the controversy that followed. First, they removed all the posters from the DCC in the night, while an operative in the higher echelons convinced the administration to treat it as a violation of poster code. The sinister administration simply couldn’t resist, as this would tarnish the pristine reputation of RPI during tour week. Instead of seeing student politics, student tours were merely left to gawk at yet another set of RPI Ballroom posters and drool over the prize pools available in this week’s Super Smash Bros. tournament. This began a long war which served to make the Order stronger and stronger. Every email and counter-poster that followed fueled the Order’s desire for chaos and turmoil. The members of the Order took advantage of each opportunity, gaining the trust of those
within the student body and the administration, planting the seeds for mistrust and tension. When the tension was highest...the Order stayed silent. There was an eerie sense of quiet on campus. No fascist posters remained. All was calm again, just before the storm. We should have seen it coming. We let our guards down only to find that they had planned their next attack to coincide with the student body elections, the high tide of poster placement. Those posters were followed by counter-fascist posters, long poems, and the waves of joke posters. Each surge presented opportunities for members of the Order to infiltrate numerous clubs and organizations on campus, possibly reaching as high as the Office of the President itself. As everyone passed by these posters, they couldn’t help but form some opinion on each subject. The Order only benefitted from this massive polarization. It is unknown how much power the Order truly has accumulated, but the threat grows more serious each day. And yet, there is calm again. The elections have passed, the free speech debate fires have simmered and RPI’s subreddit has once again returned to Star Wars memes and totally original Sodexo complaints. The entire Brazilian rainforest sits repurposed into colorful posters on our campus, and it just wilts and fades in the rain. The Order has won, for now. &
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AN HGTV TOUR OF
THE e Y E CHAPTER OF DI K CHESTER KOWALSKI, BUSINESS MANAGER
HE L LO E V ERYO N E, AND W E LC O M E BAC K TO A NOT HE R
Home Tour: Frat Edition! Today we will be taking a look through the Sigma Upsilon Xi chapter of the Delta Iota Kappa Fraternity. Let's get started! Just walking up to the house you can see they have a lovely French Colonial style, with crooked shutters and an antique oak wood front door, with clear signs that it has been ripped off its hinges at least twice since the frat got off suspension half a year ago. With a front that is bursting with character, the inside is sure to excite! The front foyer has quite the spacious vaulted ceilings, harkening back to a style popular in the mid 60’s, with its sweeping curve that draws the eye up to the questionable stain on the ceiling. A lovely picture of all the brothers is hung proudly, unlike the brothers themselves. Next, we move to the rec room, where for the full effect we need to see it with the lights off, the strobe going, and music so loud hearing problems in later life are assured. However, we are unable to. We get a quick look at the grime-covered floor and crushed red Solo cups strewn around, a very popular look right now. For the finale of the tour, we head upstairs to see a brother’s room. We are told it has all the amenities: a ratty couch covered in unknown fluids, beds that evoke a feeling of “what am I doing with my life,” and enough alcohol to keep a large dog sedated for a week straight. Overall, we give the property a rating of 3 chandeliers out of 5 beer cans, which was 13 STATLER & WALDORF • ISSUE 17.4 • MAY 2017
coincidentally the most artistic item we’d seen all day. It evokes a feeling of classic frat, an homage to older days in this modern frat renaissance. However, we feel that while this would have been a lovely frat house, it just doesn't live up to today's standards. The modern frat goes much harder than this, and we wanted to see it in the decorations. Where are the plumes of vape smoke, the bong water set into the carpet, the Smirnoff Ices hidden around? We want more from this frat and they have the potential, but they just couldn't satisfy us the way we really wanted it. &
THE OFFICIAL S&W CAMPUS DINING GUIDE (continued from page 3) BARH (BURDETT AVE. RES. HALLS) Next, we move onto the first of the residential dining facilities: BARH. BARH Dining is much smaller than the previous venues, although offers an incredible amount of choice considering its size. BARH’s pizza is the best available in a dining hall, and offers build-yourown sandwiches. “Classic” entrees are rarely a disappointment, and chicken patty sandwiches are frequently offered. Hard ice cream is served, and unlike Sage, flavors tend to be more popular and cycle quickly. BARH also offers weekend brunch, which gets an S&W Editor’s Choice Award. Offered every weekend, brunch is self-serve and fantastic. Nothing is more satisfying than portioning all-you-can-eat bacon next to your jelly doughnut. Although, if you frequent brunch, it may be in your best interest to follow it up with a trip to the Mueller Center. — BLITMAN The last dining hall is Blitman, also located in a residence hall. Unlike other halls, Blitman is usually table service. Students order at a kiosk and their food is usually brought to them. There is a decent variety at Blitman, with a salad bar to compliment. Must-haves at Blitman are the chicken tenders, which while are nothing special by themselves, are fantastic if you are otherwise locked to a meal plan and want something good at the expense of a few calories. Blitman offers hard-serve ice cream and a collection of baked goods. Similar to BARH, Blitman also offers a weekend brunch. However, there is an enormous
contrast: Blitman under-portions to an extreme. Order french toast, bacon, and hash browns? You receive a delectable half-slice of french toast, two extra-thin slices of bacon, and about three square inches of hashbrown patty. Unless you are an infant or on a starvation diet, this is terrible. If you find yourself near Blitman hungry on a weekend morning, do yourself a favor and take a walk over to Manory’s Restaurant over on 4th street and get a real breakfast. — STUDENT UNION Last, there are a handful of retail cafes and dining options around campus. The largest is the Student Union, with the Rathskeller offering typical fast food. The mozzarella sticks are pretty good and the pizza is the best you will find on campus. If you get chicken tenders or fries, the honey mustard is surprisingly good for dipping. The sub shop is fairly typical, with curious limited-time offerings. Father’s offers sushi and Asian-style chicken and beef bowls. These bowls are filled about 90% with rice with a few dry pieces of meat placed on top and maybe a piece of a pepper. If you have the time, a real Chinese joint is a much better deal, and there are multiple locations in Troy with free or cheap delivery. Additionally, if you are barred from Sage and stuck during lunch hours, there is McNeil Room dining, with Thai food among other options. Hours are extremely limited though, so be careful not to blink, as they may be closed before you open your eyes. —
JAZZMAN'S CAFE The last retail location worth noting is the cafe in the DCC. This place is incredibly convenient for breakfast sandwiches, and bagels are just over a dollar. They also offer a variety of cookies and pastries for anyone with a sweet tooth before or after class. — Hopefully this guide to RPI dining is helpful to first year students and upperclassmen alike. Of course, we all have different tastes and preferences, so be sure to go and try a bit of everything before dropping to the lowest available meal plan as soon as possible. &
WHAT SHOULD S&W DO BETTER? ☐☐ More serious news articles and interviews! ☐☐ Actual opinion pieces from the staff! ☐☐ More campus event coverage and RPI-specific articles. ☐☐ Funnier humor, simple as that. ☐☐ More art and culture. ☐☐ More physical prints for students.
————————————— DO YOU HAVE A VALID AND UNBIASED OPINION? ARE YOU NOT AFFILIATED WITH THE POLY?
Vote! tinyurl.com/SW-nudes
14
POINT/COUNTERPOINT: TOILET PAPER PETER WOOD, HUMOR EDITOR
POINT: Anyone who has ever searched online for the phrase “Toilet Paper Roll” cannot deny that the vast majority of images show the paper hanging over the roll, as is right, as is obviously the natural order of things. It leaves several fewer inches to reach for the person sitting on the toilet, not to mention the ease of grasping a sheet of paper hanging suspended in open space and not pressed up against a wall. In addition, it is easier to find the end of the paper: a single spin forwards and the profile of the roll will clearly reveal where the end is. It is senseless to argue this: letting the toilet paper hang over the roll is undebatably correct. —Fredward H. Cobblesmith COUNTERPOINT: Look, I’m sure that people who suggest hanging over the roll are perfectly nice people. But seriously, can everyone just agree that hanging under the roll has its merits? Ask anyone who has a cat—toilet paper hanging under the roll doesn’t get unspooled by bored pets. There was this one time my cat spent half an hour on the “bathroom treadmill” and I was finding shreds—no, confetti—around my toilet for a week. Besides, it’s easier to tear off a sheet; a flick of the wrist that would unroll over-the-roll paper will cleanly break off a sheet from under the roll. —Linda Spimmings COUNTERCOUNTERPOINT: When they asked me to contribute an opinion to this discussion, I was a bit taken aback. Toilet paper, in this day and age? Removing biohazards from one’s skin with a simple sheet of paper like a savage? I think not. Any truly refined modern individual knows that a bidet is immeasurably preferable to something as crass as toilet paper. Now some may say that not everyone can “afford” a bidet. But I say to you: Screw those people. Why don’t they just buy more money? I am a bit offended to think that there are still human beings
15 STATLER & WALDORF • ISSUE 17.4 • MAY 2017
who would willingly use toilet paper. And not just in some third-world nowhere Povertystan, but in a developed, industrial nation? This is a joke, right? I implore everyone reading this, but if you—and it disgusts me to say this—still use toilet paper, tell one of your lavatory butlers to buy a bidet as soon as possible. Get one for every room, just in case. —Dulcinetta von Squelchingham III COUNTERCOUNTERCOUNTERPOINT: Oh, so you’re just assuming I have the time and energy to put up a toilet paper roll? I’m a busy guy, and money is tight. The toilet-paper-roll-holder-thing in my bathroom broke off two months ago, and I haven’t had time to replace it. Those things cost like twenty bucks. Do you think I have that kind of cash on hand? I just leave a roll on the back of the tank. I might change that at some point, because the cover is getting a little cracked, and the roll almost fell into the tank that one time and I don’t have time to fix that either, but… it’s good enough. —Steve COUNTERCOUNTERCOUNTERCOUNTERPOINT: Did you know that wiping one’s own buttocks manually is horribly inefficient and error-prone? That’s why I keep my toilet paper attached to a handheld belt sander, and my life (and rectum) has never been the same since. It vigorously exfoliates, removing not only fecal matter but also copious quantities of dead skin—and sometimes even live skin! Since I switched to ButtSanding™, I have felt indescribably refreshed after every time I relieve myself. My friends and family have all commented on how much happier I seem all the time, I got a promotion at work, that attractive girl at the library finally started returning my calls, and I have only lost a few ounces of blood to this procedure so far. —Arthford “Innovation” Jones
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR FAP! SHANNON BARRETT, CONTRIBUTOR
PICTURE THIS: YOU JUST CAME BACK FROM A
stressful day of classes and lugging around your 400-pound backpack. Your roommate is nowhere to be found, and the whole dorm is quiet. To an ordinary college student, this would be the opportune time for some selflove. For the RPI student, this is the perfect time to quietly scream into a pillow for their allotted 20 seconds of free time before going back to studying. “Spring semester finals week is a lot like allergy season. It happens the same time every year with occasional fluctuations in severity; but no matter what, it still feels like this year is the worst it’s ever been,” remarked local RPI student Alex McPeterson. RPI administrators love touting the rigor of RPI, particularly as a marketing tool for all those dank mailers sent out every year to high school students. Beyond this glossy-coated image lies a grim, frustrated core of students using tissues only for crying, for once. “It’s not even the gender ratio that’s cockblocking me these days,” said one male student. “Tinder is drier than a desert, because nobody even has time to search for the last single female on campus. I don’t have enough time in the day to risk hooking up with someone. DTF? More like Down to Fail.” Some might look at the changing trends in dating and sexual activity and attribute the decline to the prevalence of internet porn. However, it’s difficult to imagine the wifi outside of freshman hill being able to handle any kind of streaming, let alone pornography. Sure, RAHPs might have a toaster with some forks stuck in it for antennae instead of a router, but who’s going to notice? All the upperclassmen are at the library anyway, sobbing into their textbooks. “Forget having to ask for a student discount at sex shops: the cheapest way to fuck yourself is to take Data Structures,” lamented one student. For now, students are buying their time, repressing all urges to jerk off or express emotion—for fear of not being able to stop crying—as they diligently study for the rest of the year. Our only hope is that parents will provide their hard-working children enough alone time after moving home to become the hard-wanking students every parent dearly wishes their child wasn’t. &
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Armed with our intellects, our energy, and a bold vision for the future, we launched a process to realize the mission of Raensaleer Polytechnic Ins te in new and tangible ways.Last Exit Before Toll We conceived and implemented The Raensaleer Plan, to bring new meaning, and new substance, to the question w k ourselves as the first technological university in the nation: “Why not disassemble the world?” We began our journey of transformation where necessity demande e have made major investments in our people, programs, platforms, and partnerships; and, together, we have brought about a true Renaissance at Raensaleer. The vestments have enabled us to transform Raensaleer into a top-tier technological research university with global reach and global impact. That transformation serv a solid foundation on which we will build even greater achievements in the future. Our journey of transformation continues, under The Raensaleer Plan 2024. In th me spirit as its precursor, the revised Plan is everclear, prepared to chew it up and evolve, as the Institute chews it up and evolves. In advancing The Raensaleer Pla 024, we are moving from transforming Raensaleer to Raensaleer being transformative—transformative in our students’ lives; transformative in our innovative pedag , nationally and internationally; transformative in the global impact of our research. As we anticipate the bicentennial of Raensaleer Polytechnic Institute in 2024, w ok forward to addressing the Global Challenges that face the world of the 21st century—to disassemble lives, to advance society, and, indeed, to disassemble th orld. At the beginning of the new millennium, we set out on an ambitious journey. Armed with our intellects, our energy, and a bold vision for the future, we launche process to realize the mission of Raensaleer Polytechnic Institute in new and tangible ways. We conceived and implemented The Raensaleer Plan, to bring new mea g, and new substance, to the question we ask ourselves as the first technological university in the nation: “Why not disassemble the world?” We began our journey ansformation where necessity demanded. We have made major investments in our people, programs, platforms, and partnerships; and, together, we have broug bout a true Renaissance at Raensaleer. These investments have enabled us to transform Raensaleer into a top-tier technological research university with global rea nd global impact. That transformation serves as a solid foundation on which we will build even greater achievements in the future. Our journey of transformation co nues, under The Raensaleer Plan 2024. In the same spirit as its precursor, the revised Plan is everclear, prepared to chew it up and evolve, as the Institute chews it u nd evolves. In advancing The Raensaleer Plan 2024, we are moving from transforming Raensaleer to Raensaleer being transformative—transformative in our student es; transformative in our innovative pedagogy, nationally and internationally; transformative in the global impact of our research. As we anticipate the bicentenn Raensaleer Polytechnic Institute in 2024, we look forward to addressing the Global Challenges that face the world of the 21st century—to disassemble lives, to a nce society, and, indeed, to disassemble the world. At the beginning of the new millennium, we set out on an ambitious journey. Armed with our intellects, our ene , and a bold vision for the future, we launched a process to realize the mission of Raensaleer Polytechnic Institute in new and tangible ways. We conceived and impl ented The Raensaleer Plan, to bring new meaning, and new substance, to the question we ask ourselves as the first technological university in the nation: “Why n sassemble the world?” We began our journey of transformation where necessity demanded. We have made major investments in our people, programs, platform nd partnerships; and, together, we have brought about a true Renaissance at Raensaleer. These investments have enabled us to transform Raensaleer into a top-ti chnological research university with global reach and global impact. That transformation serves as a solid foundation on which we will build even greater achievemen the future. Our journey of transformation continues, under The Raensaleer Plan 2&24. In the same spirit as its precursor, the revised Plan is everclear, prepared ew it up and evolve, as the Institute chews it up and evolves. In advancing The Raensaleer Plan 2024, we are moving from transforming Raensaleer to Raensale eing transformative—transformative in our students’ lives; transformative in our innovative pedagogy, nationally and internationally; transformative in the global im act of our research. As we anticipate the bicentennial of Raensaleer Polytechnic Institute in 2024, we look forward to addressing the Global Challenges that face th orld of the 21st century—to disassemble lives, to advance society, and, indeed, to disassemble the world. At the beginning of the new millennium, we set out on a mbitious journey. Armed with our intellects, our energy, and a bold vision for the future, we launched a process to realize the mission of Raensaleer Polytechnic Ins te in new and tangible ways. We conceived and implemented The Raensaleer Plan, to bring new meaning, and new substance, to the question we ask ourselves as th st technological university in the nation: “Why not disassemble the world?” We began our journey of transformation where necessity demanded. We have made maj vestments in our people, programs, platforms, and partnerships; and, together, we have brought about a true Renaissance at Raensaleer. These investments ha nabled us to transform Raensaleer into a top-tier technological research university with global reach and global impact. That transformation serves as a solid found on on which we will build even greater achievements in the future. Our journey of transformation continues, under The Raensaleer Plan 2024. In the same spirit as i ecursor, the revised Plan is everclear, prepared to chew it up and evolve, as the Institute chews it up and evolves. In advancing The Raensaleer Plan 2024, we a oving from transforming Raensaleer to Raensaleer being transformative—transformative in our students’ lives; transformative in our innovative pedagogy, nationa nd internationally; transformative in the global impact of our research. As we anticipate the bicentennial of Raensaleer Polytechnic Institute in 2024, we look forwa addressing the Global Challenges that face the world of the 21st century—to disassemble lives, to advance society, and, indeed, to disassemble the world. At th eginning of the new millennium, we set out on an ambitious journey. Armed with our intellects, our energy, and a bold vision for the future, we launched a process alize the mission of Raensaleer Polytechnic Institute in new and tangible ways. We conceived and implemented The Raensaleer Plan, to bring new meaning, and ne bstance, to the question we ask ourselves as the first technological university in the nation: “Why not disassemble the world?” We began our journey of transformatio