S&W Issue #16.2 by Statler & Waldorf

STATLER& WALDORF "MHYOWL I FIELWI VIET H THE FRAT BRO ISSUE

ISSUE #16.2

A BIG PENIS"

LEARN H OW TO BEER!

THE S&W P H OTO CO N T E S T WIN FREE T I C K E TS !

FEMALES GETTING I N TO ΑΣΣ

CONT ENTS

N E WS A N A LYS I S

C U LT U R E

01 Females Identify As Male To Get Into ΑΣΣ 02 Lockers Come Out Against Trump's Locker Room Talk 03 6 Cars From The 90s That Continue To Ruin Lives Today 05 Big Dick Problems 07 $6 Full-Frontal Nudity 08 Alien Visits EMPAC 08 Beer Review: Lancaster Milk Stout 09 Players Review: The Mousetrap

P H OTO C O N T E S T

T H E A RT S

E N T E RTA I N M E N T

11 Save The Union—Lex Jimenez 12 Better By Morning—Belvia Huo 12 Miata—Max Drexler

FO RTN I G H TLY FOTO

13 You Awake 13 Prosciutto in C Flat Miner [sic] 14 Cross Your Words If You Dare: The Frat Lyfe Krosswerd

STAF F Editor-in-Chief Kristan Tate Managing Editor Joe Iaquinto Business Manager Noah Tebben

E D I TO R I A L

Culture Editor Noah Tebben Humor Editor Peter Wood News Editor Noah Tebben Op-Ed Editor Joe Iaquinto Webmaster Peter Wood

S TA F F PH OTO Statler & Waldorf | Rensselaer Union Room 3314 | 110 8th St. | Troy, NY 12180 | sw@union.rpi.edu | Vol. 16, Issue 2 | Fall 2016 Statler & Waldorf is published while classes are in session by the students of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute under the authority of the Rensselaer Student Union. It is provided to the community at no charge. Opinions expressed within this publication are not necessarily those of the staff or Editorial Board of Statler & Waldorf, the Rensselaer Student Union, or Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Pieces in the Humor section are satirical in nature and do not necessarily refer to real places or people. These pieces are for entertainment value only. The Editorial Board reserves the right to edit all submissions in compliance with the Statler & Waldorf Style Guide. All submissions should be sent to sw@union.rpi.edu. Please see our webpage, [http://sw.union.rpi.edu], for more information.

i STATLER & WALDORF • VOLUME 16, ISSUE 2 • FALL 2016

DESIGN

Copy & Composing Editor Alex Zylka Copy & Composing Editor Jr. Izzi Cain

CONTRIBUTING MEMBERS

Samantha Alderete, Dr. Bathroom, Parth Bhide, Ian Fralen, Chester Kowalski, Bobby Martino, Kevin Phoenix, Oleg Yakovets

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MEMO FROM T H E EDITOR- IN - CH I E F H O LY C R Ê P E - BA L L S , H A S

it been a surreal year. I’ve been kicked out of a club, dragged to a secret conduct meeting with so much cloak and dagger one would think the administration is running out of people to play Dungeons & Dragons with, and the future President of the United States of America is backed by a former Klan member (all of those are unrelated incidents, I swear). But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. Something’s different about you. I can tell. See, you just picked up an issue of Statler & Waldorf, RPI’s best satire/ humor/literary magazine that nobody’s ever heard of. And not only that, but you’ve actually started reading it, you dirty minx, you. You know, if university has taught me anything, it’s that normal people don’t read, especially not paper-backed words. And this paperback has a picture of a crying black

person at the end of it. So how do you think you’re going to sleep tonight, knowing that your hands have graced the pages of the pure, unadulterated art that is this latest issue. I mean look to your left: yeah, that’s a flippin’ cat in stunner shades and a snapback. So make sure those hands are washed bub, because things are just going to get better from here. You see, this is “The Frat Bro Issue,” meaning nearly everything in here has to do with fraternities and/or brothers. Admittedly, the poems and photos aren’t even close to related to the rest of this beauty, but they were too good to put anywhere else. Incidentally, if you like what you see here (and we know you will), be sure to check out our amazing website at [http://sw.union.rpi.edu]. We gave it a face lift not too long ago and man, oh man, are things spectacular. &

K R I S TA N TAT E , EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

FEMALES IDENTIFY AS MALE TO GET INTO ΑΣΣ

OLEG YAKOVETS, CONTRIBUTOR

THERE IS A CURIOUS PHENOMENON

occurring at RPI: a huge increase in membership to fraternities as compared to sororities. The increase is so huge that given the shite male-to-female ratio at RPI, at first glance it simply doesn’t make any sense… And hardly anyone knows why. Well, let’s think. At least at RPI, the events for rushing are quite different between sororities and fraternities. Fraternities host casual events ranging from BBQ’s to rafting to assailing amusement parks. Toward the end of the cycle, there are invite-only events for those who survive judgment. And yeah, to the average reader, maybe being judged isn’t the most alluring prospect; but if you close your eyes hard enough, turns out bending over and making yourself appealing to other men who claim to be straight can be considered fun. Sororities, on the other hand, are pure evil. They host a few niche social events very similar to job interviews but disguise them as ice cream socials. And if you want an actual shot a joining, formal dress is a must. Now the main aspect of Greek life is camaraderie, connections, and some sort of public service. And while the first two are probably legitimate, the only real public service these establishments provide are parties… or at least that’s what frats are allowed around here. But sororities can’t have any fun as the administration thinks that a bunch of drunk girls will lead to lesbianism, which would deepen stereotype of RPI’s omnipresent, insurmountable cockblock. A reasonable fear, if you ask me. And at all of these fraternity rush

events, there are plenty of girls showing up alongside their male friends. The girls know they can’t join…. But a gal can dream, right? Well, some girls say they’ve cracked the code. Women have been fighting for their

rights in Western society for far too long, and are tired of being slapped with superficial standards, or at the very least being ignorant to what values are ascribed to them. As women, the fuckbois they’d subject themselves to would keep the superficial rating system of 0-10 private. Selfishly, selfishly private. Come to think of it, forget just knowing their numbered worth, they should be able to get in on that sweet rating action! And while we’re making dreams come true, consider that these newly-turned can finally drink and host parties and maybe even have a conversation that doesn't

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revolve around Instagram or being pretty. Boys here aren't picky; as long as the conversation includes talk of sex and/or cars and/or dogs and/or computers, it’s considered aces. But why don’t these women just join sororities? Because fraternity rushing is calmer, relaxed, and more informal than that of sororities. With their pale-white dresses and transparent errybody’s-BFFFs facade, many sororities resemble the cannibalistic White Glove Society of the Mojave Desert and repulse would-be sisters because of it. “Yeah, sure! I’d join Alpha Sigma Sigma,” said Lauren Graphite when asked about whether she would consider changing genders. “They're a lovely set of guys who aren't very competitive or more shallow than they are hot. They actually seem focused on just being good smoking buddies.” When a pair of roommates nicknamed “Allons-y” were asked about Alpha Sigma Sigma, they replied that they too have had fun at the house; they attended a few recent parties with recently-committed freshman Caesar. But alas, this is 2016 and no one important enough has made for a large push to just drop the sexual exclusion altogether and create a real community. Nope. That’s just too much to ask for in most Greek houses. Not having to be male to be seen as an equal is out of the question. &

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LOCKERS COME OUT AGAINST TRUMP'S LOCKER ROOM TALK PARTH BHIDE, CONTRIBUTOR J U S T W E E K S AG O, M A N Y W O M E N

came out accusing President-elect Donald J. Trump of sexual assault and harassment. This followed comments he made on a hot microphone aboard Billy Bush’s grope-mobile. Trump dismissed these comments as locker-room talk, evidence of how long it has been since he went to a gym. A new group, however, has come forward to disavow locker room talk—the lockers themselves. The National Association of Storage Devices released a statement that none of its member lockers support nor condone Trump’s actions. The following is from the association's president, Locker 001 from the White House gym: "The National Association of Storage Devices does not encourage or support the kind of speech Donald Trump claims is made in locker rooms. Any locker caught engaging in these activities will be reprimanded and face a permanent ban from membership in the Association. In order to assure cohesiveness, discipline, and prosperity among our members, we do encourage constructive talk that will further the cause of peace and prosperity for all storage-kind." We spoke to local lockers to see what they experienced among their days in

their various gyms. We have limited our investigations to male locker room lockers in order to investigate Trump’s claims of “male-talk.” Locker 349 from the Troy, NY Planet Fitness claimed that he never heard such talk from the gym members. “The worst I heard was jocks bragging about how much they bench,” he said, “Not rape, man. That shit’s fucked up.” One lead took us to a town where a suspected rapist was recently arrested. Eyewitnesses from his gym helped authorities catch the killer. We spoke to the

" THAT SHIT’S FUCKED UP. " locker that stored his belongings on the condition of anonymity. “Let me tell you,” he started, “the shit I heard from his mouth haunts me to this day. I felt so disgusted, I almost wanted to slam his head with my door. I think all the lockers who heard him wish they hadn’t.” Many of our other interviews were strikingly similar, as we heard Trump’s endorsed behavior described as “lewd,” “disgusting,” and “unfit for a man,

woman, or locker.” But the reporter who covered this story did sit down with one locker who disagreed with the majority opinion, the locker of former New York City mayor, Rudy Giuliani. He claimed that this kind of talk was normal, especially when Giuliani, Hannity, and Trump would get together for one of their workout sessions. “This is another example of the lamestream media focusing on trivial issues when they should be covering important things like Hillary’s emails and the $400 million sent to Iran,” he argued. With the election’s results finally sinking in, the topic of Trump’s comments is on the minds of many. A CNN/ORC poll of lockers across the country showed that 86% believe that Trump was either “severely wrong” or “wrong” in making those recorded comments, while only 6% believed it was “locker-room” talk. Of lockers that supported Trump, 36% say these comments disqualify him from the presidency. For lockers that supported Clinton, that number was 91%. Most major lockers have disavowed Trump’s comments, and many have withdrawn their support. &

6 CARS FROM THE 90s THAT CONTINUE TO RUIN LIVES TODAY IAN FRALEN, CONTRIBUTOR IF YOU’RE LIKE MOST

people (and let’s face it, you’re probably not), your 16th birthday is a big deal. You can legally join the workforce, make the terrible decision of marriage, and of course, you can now terrorize the road behind the wheel of a 3500-pound murder machine! So, what is the first thing you do? You walk into your parents’ garage and rip the tarp off the behemoth of metal and (mostly) plastic that your father purchased back in ‘93, Nirvana cassette still jammed in the player. This is the start of the next 4 years of your life: an adventure chock-full of hiding in the back of parking lots and being overshadowed by Timmy down the block who just got a brand new Camaro. If this is striking a chord with you, chances are you inherited one of these six cars. &

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W IT H T HE INT RODUCTION OF THE

C HE VROLE T CAVALIER LS

3rd generation Cavalier in 1995, Chevrolet was able to demonstrate to the world that a quality, well-performing product for an affordable price was just too much to ask for. Whether you went for the slushbox 4-speed automatic transmission or the enthusiast’s choice 5-speed manual, the Cavalier made certain you would get to your destination slowly. Pushing out a staggering 140 horsepower from its Ecotec

THE YEAR IS 1991 AND TIMES ARE

PONT IAC FIRE BIRD V6

tough. Your dad can’t afford a Corvette, nor can he afford a Camaro, but he needs something ostentatious with as much attitude as his mullet and enough room in the back for him and his bong to live out of. You were probably born at this time, but your dad would not know for at least another 6 years until the child support charges start showing up on his meager pay stubs. This car came normally with a standard transmission, but face it, your

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L61 motor, it managed a 0-to-60 acceleration time in the mid-three-decade range. Fear not, you won't have to listen to that lawnmower engine purr because when in motion, the Cavalier produces an orchestral composition of squeaks and rattles from its zip-tied plastic interior. If your dad was a big deal back in the day, he may have even stepped up for some luxurious options. As a child lucky to be the child of this JNCO-sporting baller, you’ll be cruising around with premium 16-inch tires, alloy wheels, and improved interior electronics, or in ‘90s terms, power windows and AC that only works when it’s cold out.

dad was too consumed with his mullet to operate a manual. You’d hope your snarling 3.1-liter engine would be enough to control this beast, but thanks to the 70-30 weight distribution, you’re probably getting sent into yet another fishtail. The Firebird snarled as its 3.1-liter engine propelled it forward, well probably sideways, thanks to its 70-30 front-biased weight distribution. With about as much get-up-and-go as your grandmother after her second hip replacement, the third generation Firebird isn’t winning any races at that little stretch of tarmac next to the football field. On the bright side, the seats fold nearly flat allowing you to have a bit of fun with every chubby chick in your senior class. Like father, like son. ERIC DOERFER

THIS DELIGHTFUL LITTLE SKETCH-MOBILE JUST BARELY

scrapes by the time constraints with the first model year being a 2000 (they were rolling off the line in 1999 so we’ll count it). These toasters on wheels were made and assembled in Toluca, Mexico which explains why you will find one in the middle of every botched drug deal and cartel escapade. Let’s be honest, we all know that kid in high school who had one of these, and where is he know? I doubt even he knows.

The PT Cruiser was designed by a man named Bryan Nesbitt, who would eventually grace the world with the Chevrolet HHR, which was essentially the “classy” version of a white windowless van filled with candy. If you pull off that tarp in your garage and find one of these, you have quite a few questions to ask your parents (mainly how you can get in on a cut of their profits).

(continued on page 15

BIG DICK PROBLEMS: A CULTURAL REVIEW DR. BATHROOM, CONTRIBUTOR E V E R Y B O DY

SHUT

U P,

I just found the most hilarious thing on the internet. Surprise: it’s a subreddit. As I sit here at my computer typing this Nobel-PeacePrize-winning-article, I struggle to decide how to first dig into the culture of r/BigDickProblems. There are so many boggling aspects, I feel like the proverbial rich kid at a candy store. I mean, for Pete’s sake, people: there are rules of etiquette, there are flairs that communicate length, and girth sizes for guys (sometimes they give both flaccid and erect sizes, or specify whether they are “growers” or “showers”) and the “vagina” or “penis receiver” status for gals, there are even links to more than one “dick percentile calculator” which each take length and girth data from multiple scientific studies on the subject. But, I think I’ll start with the most obvious questions. What is a Big Dick Problem? And how are these problems so prevalent that there exists an expansive subreddit “dedicated to those of us afflicted with a severe lack of empty space in our pants” with 37,230,000 members and doubtlessly many more who watch from the sidelines? Well, the first question has an obvious answer: “If you’ve

ever run into an issue because of the size of your [or anyone else’s] penis,” you’ve experienced a Big Dick Problem. But what are the typical issues these brave troopers face? Oh, you know: having your penis touch toilet water; not being able to completely fit inside of a sexual partner; being denied sex because of the imposing threat betwixt one’s loins; underwear being uncomfortably tight; being unbelieved when you mention your size; or having people in public notice and sometimes comment on the size of your bulge. Those are all core problems submitted by males on this particular subreddit. But there are more than a handful of “vagina” people on the subreddit too, and all of their problems are about not being able to fit people inside of them or worrying about potential damage or entrapment. So we’ve identified the issues. But why does this

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place even exist? Whelp, I’ve a theory. And to prove it, we must first analyze typical threads. Now I’m going to reference these “humans” by size because A) I am not so big a dick as to make fun of these people’s fake names and B) size is all they are, really. And for clarification purposes, the usual format

come off, my dick comes out and she sees it, takes one look and says ‘No, we won't be doing that.’ My girlfriend tried to explain I can be gentle, take it slow, etc. (better to let her explain) but she was adamant. Things don't go completely awful (I got a pretty decent handjob from her) but it's the only time I've had something like that happen. It's just depressing because we don't normally manage to find a third! Does anyone else have similar experiences?" [sic] So, Mr. 7.25” X 5.75” is complaining about how his daunting sex-faucet has ruined a sexual encounter to such a large extent that he

" IT WAS LIKE TRY I NG TO FIT A BANANA THROUGH A KE Y H O L E" for describing schlong size on this site goes [erect length] X [erect girth]. In a post entitled Guys, hold me Mr. 7.25” X 5.75” spills his guts out— "I'm just posting this because I don't normally discuss these things with friends. My girlfriend and I had gotten a lady back to our hotel room while on vacation, and all was going very well between the three of us. Clothes

came away depressed: a classic BDP. But look at the responses. Now these responses come from people without flairs to indicate their size or else dickless-ness, so I can only assume they’re too big to care. Hence, I’ll guess that 8.5 meters X 5.25 yards said in response to the O.P. “that was no lady,” and that 9.5 miles X 6.75 light

years commented with “Yeah, I’ve had this happen a few times. You usually do get a handjob or blowjob out of it. Once I got a great massage.” See what happened there? People are empathizing with him, and people with similar experiences are sharing them. Keep that in mind as we continue. (In an effort to make this magazine less pornographic and more funny, I’ve edited out the more explicit or boring bits of this next example). In a post passionately titled Son of a B****! I can’t even fit it in! Mr. 9.5” X 5.8” writes this: “I never thought this would be an issue with me. So I've been talking with a new girl at my college. We hit it off really well, she's cute, funny, smart, great body. Basically the whole package. She's also a 5'0 90 lb Thai chick… Fast forward to the second time we hook up and we're ready for sex… The pain looked so bad she just froze… So we have a little laugh and I throw her... but it wont go in! It was like trying to fit a banana through a key hole... so the lubrication wasnt an issue... At this point the moods ruined and shes immediately scrambling to leave from embarrassment. I calm her down and we laugh it off, but I don't know what the hell I'm going to do! I don't want to leave this girl because my dicks too big, but I don't think

sex is biologically compatible.” [sic] TL;DR, Mr. 9.5” X 5.8” is too big for his woah-man. And what are the responses? Engineer 8” X 5” says, “Hey man I've been in a similar position too many times and it can be frustrating so I feel you. What you're going to need to do is work her in. The first few times you'll only going to be able to squeeze the tip. After a while you push a little more, say quarter pump and keep working her

had these tricks years back when I first started dating Asians, some really good ones got away.” Crude, lewd directions and racial insinuations? Delicious! In contrast to the other two cited responses, all Father 7.25” X 6” does is spout some blunt truths: “No one likes to say this, but I will. You're huge. Sometimes its just not gonna work. And even if it does, there will be soreness. Spontaneous sex will be mostly out of the question. Sometimes its a blessing,

"NO ONE LIKES TO SAY THI S, BUT I WILL. YOU'RE HU GE." in. You may never be able to go full pump but eventually you should get a least three quarters. Good luck man.” Professor 7.5” X 6.25” helpfully suggests “Get a dildo. Read up on training Anal, as that's effectively what you'll have to do with each other. Luckily it will happen faster and be a lot more rewarding when done. So try to put in a little more each time and then hit her with a dildo and fingers maybe a little oral on clit to finish her off. If you perform it right I'm sure she'll reward you with a great handjob with oral if your lucky and she has a snakes jaw. Wish I

others a curse." [sic] Wow. That was so eloquent I nearly mistook it for an excerpt from Othello. Again, some of the responses come in the form of similar stories and bouts of empathy, but another typical response that’s showcased here is the way commenters will earnestly suggest avenues of solution. And yet another commenter tries the tough love approach to try and rescue his fellow brother in arms from the black pit of despair life cruelly has tossed him into. So what are we learning? BDP largely seems to be a

place of empathy, understanding, and aid. If you have a large penis or have had sex with someone with a large penis, BDP will do their best to make you feel better about yourself, or failing that, give you a game plan for future endeavors. BDP is the basketball coach you never had. A paternal figure consoling with down-to-earth facts and a slap on the back. A man to call you “son” and that urges you to go make him proud. So overall, r/BigDickProblems is… a good thing? Wait, that can’t be right. Hmm, maybe the rules of this place will shed some light on its surely-existing sordidness. Aaaaaaand, no... All clean. There’s no allowance for degradation or discrimination “against someone for their penis size or status.” No one’s allowed to “personally attack, threaten, or harass” any user they disagree with. Heck, it’s not even a pornographic website as “dick pics ‘just because’ belong in one of the subreddits dedicated to that,” and while NSFW content is allowed, it must be correctly tagged and sufficiently relevant. O.K... I know I’m missing something, but what? Oh, I know: common sense! This subreddit doesn’t need (continued on page 15)

$6 FULL-FRONTAL NUDITY OLEG YAKOVETS, CONTRIBUTOR ‘T W AS A DAR K, DR E ARY, AND

ERIC BOUDET

boring night on campus when a particular engineering student found himself with nothing to do. Whilst surfing the interwebs for something to remind him that he’s human, he spied an advertisement for dancer Jonah Bokaer’s 3 Cases of Amnesia complete with a nudity warning. This being RPI, he figured this was the best opportunity for action he’d see for a long while and so he visited EMPAC later that day… I’m all for the arts if I know the subject, but the definition of “contemporary dance” never ceases to amaze me. Sure, I write for a satirical “magazine,” but there are some things that are way too weird for even me to understand— this definitely being one of them. The performance included finger-wagging to the beat of a hiphop track. And motion-capturegone-mad with CGI visuals and associated movements: think “crack addict on withdrawal being told to make a dummy move around on a green screen,” and then speed up the animation. What do you get? A CGI person on their back flailing their arms really quickly and a live performer desperately trying to mimic. It’s kinda hard to make a leg go through a head, but I’m sure the artist will take comfort in the fact that at least

" DOES HE GET NAKED AT THE END? OF COURSE HE DOES!"

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the concept of it all went over mine. The music was more esoteric than AFX or SquarePusher, and certainly had a lot of modular bleeps and bloops for the more electronic parts. There were also moments of comedy, if not straight up absurdity, as during one section of his art Jonah just sat at a piano, the only thing lit on an otherwise dark stage, eating a whole apple. Including the core. The dead silence made people giggle. The final movement was something that I wish I knew how to make fun of. Imagine a man dressed in 50 layers of black clothing. Then imagine him taking them off while he walks down a diagonal line of light on the stage. Does he get naked at the end? Of course he does! He then runs away into the dark to grab a bottle of water while a ladder is quickly lowered in from above the stage. You can’t make this shit up: he proceeds to run up the ladder, drinking from the water bottle while pop music is played, then slowly descends one step at a time. As soon as he is off, he does a “LOL BYE” and scampers away. I’m just upset that he didn’t helicopter out for the full comedic effect. I really would have enjoyed laughing at that. Somehow this show had something to do with amnesia, but one thing’s for sure: I’ll have a hard time forgetting this one. &

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ALIEN VISITS EMPAC ALEX ZYLKA, C&C EDITOR L E M M E T E L L YA , I W A S S O

excited to see Lapalux, a reallllly chill electronic musician. And then it turned out he’s from Jupiter or Saturn or England or something. Lapalux (better known by his real name, Gorkyblork Zem3fruh) is an illegal alien according to the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency and hence was not allowed into the United States this October to play his exclusive show in Troy, NY. This was October 6—a day of mourning. But wait! Good news! Gorkyblork will return the night of Friday, December 16 at 8 PM to enthrall us all with his hypnotoad-like music/dope-ass beats, yo. Put that day in your calendar, folks! It’s a hot ticket, so y'all (RPI students) should check out the free EMPAC+ program. It could net you free tickets and/or a free dinner all with the swipe of your campus ID. Learn more about the program by clicking the EMPAC+ banner at [http://empac.rpi.edu]. &

SEE OUR AD ON PAGE 14 TO WIN UP TO

3 FREE TICKETS TO SEE LAPALUX!

BEER REVIEW NOAH TEBBEN, CULTURE EDITOR

LANCASTER MILK STOUT ~$3/12oz | 5.3% ABV

I ’ L L P R E FAC E T H I S R E V I E W B Y S AY I N G T H AT I

rarely, if ever, enjoy beer. I just wrote this because I’m the only one at S&W (legally) capable of drinking beer, and if you’ve read the magazine so far, you probably aren’t surprised. All the same, for the good of the historic Beer Review, I delved into the Lancaster Milk Stout, a dark stout that tastes mostly like beer; bitter and dark and generally unlikeable, and ever so slightly like milk! It has a smooth finish, apparently tastes ever so slightly of chocolate, char, and lots of dark malt. My unrefined tongue tasted malt, malt, and a lick of milk. It’s not PBR cheap, but it isn’t a bank-breaker either, and if you find yourself looking to bridge the gap between adult beverage and baby formula, you’ll find no better place to turn than a milk stout. It’s...bearable. In lieu of additional beer tasting, I put my palette to the test identifying the best apple juice brands out there for you kiddies that are statistically more likely to be reading this. MOTT’S: Rich color, pretty sugary, kinda like they only pressed candy apples into their juice but great for that carbohydrate boost after a long lecture. MINUTE MAID: Voted most likely to be mistaken for healthy urine, airs on the watery side, dirt-cheap, truly the PBR of the playground. APPLE & EVE: The inevitable all-Christian brand of juice{citation needed}, this one has a deep color, is significantly more opaque than the others, and comes in flavors that God definitely didn't approve.

AN S&W PLAYHOUSE REVIEW: THE MOUSETRAP NOAH TEBBEN, CULTURE EDITOR FOLLOWING THE PLAYERS’

conveniently-dressed cast as they trickled their way into the performance. Overall, the performance had a number of highlights and a few passing lows. I must admit, a few distinct characters really stole the show,

COURTESY OF RPI PLAYERS

current season theme of attempted murder for complicated reasons, Agatha Christie’s The Mousetrap pits the audience in a guessing game of snowy proportions. Directed by Norman Eick, the Players set out to show their technical prowess and character depth again this season. I will say that this review contains some inferred spoilers of the play but considering that it stopped running at the end of November, you already missed your chance to take in the sights. The first striking detail was the proudly-displayed snow machine that ran for a good portion of the first act, adding a nice initial catch to their production. They let it run for so long outside of their set window that I was at first guessing an army of pissed-off snowmen would climb through said window and being the murdering festivities. Sadly, Frosty the Snowman’s murder spree had to wait another day, and the set radio piped in eerie details about the

from Talina Bastille’s shortlived performance as the insufferable Miss Boyle to Brendan Freiler’s erratic and energized role as Christopher Wren, to the stand-out performance displayed by

9 STATLER & WALDORF • VOLUME 16, ISSUE 2 • FALL 2016

first-timer Hayden Molinari as the wily and explicitly foreign Paravicini. It was the nuance in facial expression and overthe-top gestures that really made Paravicini’s presence in the show notable. Additionally, the actor blocking was generally suitable and each character was easily visible throughout the duration of the show even in dense scenes. This only became a problem during the unsuccessful strangling attempt where the strangler fully blocked the view of the stranglee, thus rendering a tense and exciting falling action to become the grand murderer butt showcase of 2016. (Does Pasha, our sneaky murderer, do squats?? We’ll let you draw conclusions.) Also to the Players’ credit, the set design was spacious and well-done, conveying the sense of a labyrinthian manor in a show that heavily relied on that directional uncertainty. This production was not without its hiccups, however. As cool as the snow machine was, the modest whirr that it generated made it difficult to hear some of the character dialogue,

particularly in the first act. This is less a complaint about inevitable machine mechanics and more about voice projection and clarity. The speech volume throughout the show was inconsistent for some characters and caused the audience to miss some of the introductory details as the cast rolled into the manor. I would like to note that the Players’ showed a good deal of versatility in their production, as they strategically switched the placement of a key clue between shows in order to improve the use of the stage. As a final note, Agatha Christie’s ending was booooooooring and anti-climactic, and while I’m sure she’ll crawl out of her grave to receive S&W’s valued feedback, I can’t fault the Players’ for following the script. I will say that the snack booth set up in the lobby, ‘The Life of Snackatha Christie’, really made the show, because nothing accents family strife and revenge better than a rainbow cookie. Or three. Seriously, we need to talk with the rogue fleet of Players’ bakers. We look forward to seeing the Players’ next show at their night of performance in early February. &

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Max Drexler This is a picture at RSAS, the Rensselaer Student Auto Shop, taken in 2015. It showcases the shop and a member's Mazda Miata.

P H OTO CONTEST

The Statler & Waldorf photo contest is an ongoing effort to present artistic photography from the Rensselaer student body. The theme for this contest is power and to that end, we've selected photographs that embody this concept through many different interpretations of what power looks like on campus. If you like what you see, or you're interested in submitting your own photos, email us at sw@union.rpi.edu

T 2 m m U "c

Belvia Huo This photo is from a Mother's during UPAC Concerts' fall concert series in early October 2016. It features "Better By Morning," a local band. Concerts brings in musicians a few times a semester.

Lex Jimenez This photo was taken in March 2016 of an RPI TV crew member capturing tense moments of the "Save The Union" protest/Prof. Puka's "class" in front of EMPAC.

YOU AWAKE

PROSCIUTTO IN C FLAT MINER

K.G.

PETER WOOD

Don’t ask if I’m awake When I was never asleep. Forget that you’re skindeep and know that it’ll be noticed

Shards of memory impulse me from all sides yelling at me to do something to be something something I see your hands surrounding me And the shards from your hands pool at my feet I am ankle-deep in fingernails

Don’t ask if I’m upset when I was never happy. Remember my skinned knees And pretend my heart’s at ease Don’t ask if I’ll forgive When I was not the one betrayed. Bask in what you say Because nothing is more important Remember what you’ve promised and you won’t have to ask. Believe that this is all we have and no one else will bleed Don’t ask if I’m in love when my heart pounds with fear. Don’t remind me I’m awake. I don’t want to be

[sic]

Shards of beauty exacerbate me from all sides Like the head of Achilles’ hammer as he slays the Colossus of Rhodes I am punctured but not pierced Half my face blushes as the other half impales And the shards of your hands continue to pool around me I am knee-deep in fingernails Shards of anxiety perpetuate me from almost all sides I am waist-deep in fingernails I am Waist-Deep in Fingernails I am waist-deep in fingernails But the surprising part is they’ren’t yours they’re mine

10 COMMENTS YOU'LL NEVER GUESS ARE SPAM!* • Wow. That is the best answer I have ever seen to the if you were an animal question. • This paragraph presents clear idea for the new viewers of blogging, that truly how to do running a blog. • I don't care about white bedding. My furbabies are much more important. I gave up on dreams of white bedding when the kids came along. I chose love and comfort over decor. • Hey S&W. Do something crazy! Do something crazy! • I suppose anything is possible but the better question is if you could create an actual automotive grade paint and do so cost effectively. Probably having a degree in chemistry or chemical engineering would help, a lot. I’ve seen cars painted with house paint and a roller. Kind of looks like house paint and roller but to each his own. • No free advertisements,no kiss • Flooded gucci part with a multiplicity. Smell in vivo imperious, control down, vehement, of burly emotions. • I love getting some more disability benefits, especially because of my mental disorders. * Actual comments taken from the depths of S&W's digital annals.

13 STATLER & WALDORF • VOLUME 16, ISSUE 2 • FALL 2016

THE FRAT LYFE KROSSWERD

3 4

6 9

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WIN UP TO THREE

FREE TICKETS ——TO SEE——

DJ LAPALUX E MPAC / FRI D EC 9 To enter, send a photo of your favorite alien (the space kind or immigrant) to satan@rpi.edu by Thursday, December 8 @ 11:59 PM.

ACRO SS 7. What you throw when drinking piss is too kinky 8. What to wear when you're too drunk to unzip 10. The one thing a frat bro never asks for 11. Your personal slave 12. A girl to smoke 13. A frat bro's response to air 14. A frat bro's crown

DOWN 1. The first rule dictates your silence on ___________ 2. A kind of garden work 3. When you don't want to see the sun but you do want to dress like a douche 4. The worst thing to happen to butts since hemorrhoids 5. The frat bro's way of being terse 6. Your personal Hitler 9. The one thing a frat bro always asks for

RPI students only, please.

6 CARS FROM THE 90S THAT CONTINUE TO RUIN LIVES TODAY

BIG DICK PROBLEMS

3. DODGE (CHRYSLER) NEON

2. PONTIAC AZTEK

1. MINIVANS (ALL OF THEM)

Your parents did not like cars because loud engines and speeds exceeding 55 miles per hour frightened them, but they were faced with a dilemma; they need to leave the house, and their corporate job is 20 miles away. They looked through their options: they could get a Honda Civic, but your father did not trust the Japs (Oh no, he would not go for it). Those German cars are nice, but Mother was intimidated by the German’s guttural language and obsession with sausage. They knew they would have to go American, and the Neon was quite literally the first thing they saw when they went to the dealership. With a similar build quality to a paper bag, we’re frankly amazed that these things lasted long enough for you to inherit it. You get this car when you turn 16, put a fart can exhaust and fake hood vents on it, and rev it everywhere you go. No matter what you do to this rusted heap of American Failure, it will always be slow, and you will always be sad. Too bad the coveted SRT-4 model did not come out until 2003, essentially putting the fart can on from the factory and throwing on a few ponies, but let’s be real, anyone who drives one of those will never find a woman to have children with...

Your parents bought a car that doubles as a tent. No, really: it has a built-in tent in the back. Let’s just pretend that you can get over the fact that your parents bought this… thing to park outside of music festivals and smoke crack. It might actually be the most hideous creature ever made right after a Geo Metro and Ron Jeremy’s mustache. When General Motors released this car, their primary advertising point—and I cannot make something like this up—was that it could hold a 4 ft. by 8 ft. sheet of plywood with the rear seats removed. So let me get this right, your parents bought a car designed to haul a single piece of plywood and now you drive it trying to ignore the fact that you are losing brain cells from all of the crack residue clinging to the tent fabric right behind your head. I’m going to be honest with you, this car started production in the year 2000 so technically it does not count, but if your family owns this car then they do not count, you do not count, and any decisions that are made by your colony of crack smoking miscreants should NEVER count. You were a mistake and now you are driving your parents' mistake, so in a way, the universe has found its place for you: behind the wheel of a Pontiac Aztek.

You’re that kid everyone makes fun of, not because you’re strange or because you do anything abnormal. In fact, you probably have a successful future ahead of you. Despite that, when you are traveling anywhere, for any reason, you are a soccer mom. Your family bought this minivan because they needed an economical and utilitarian way to shuttle you and your three younger siblings to school, sports practices, and family vacations. Whether you have a Honda Odyssey, a Toyota Sienna, or a Ford Windstar, they are all equally horrible and squash your chances of banging the hot cheerleader in your chemistry class (damn you, Janet). Here’s the Universal Minivan Dilemma (UMD): You inherited a socially stigmatized vehicle, and your parents will not let you trade it for the dope-ass car your friend Carter has that just needs a little work (engine, transmission, suspension). The end of any UMD? You are forbidden from getting a different car even though your little bro will get a brand new Ford Focus in 3 years courtesy of Mom and Dad. We all feel for you, friend. If you have a UMD in your past, be glad the suffering is over—until you have kids unexpectedly.

to exist, at least not how it currently does. Know why? Because people have brains. There are only 3 real issues people with large penises have valid complaints about.

(continued from page 4)

15 STATLER & WALDORF • VOLUME 16, ISSUE 2 • FALL 2016

(continued from page 6)

1. Public interactions yield discomfort because of the visible bulge/tightness in your pants. Solution? Buy better underwear/pants and always carry bulky objects in your pockets.

2. Sex is non-optimal, and/or uncomfortable for the penis-receiver. That solution can be discussed and found in one relatively short thread (not 5 million, as is currently the case). Or better yet, go to a friggin’ doctor #THXOBAMA.

3. Your penis touches toilet water. Solution? Alright, admittedly this one’s a bit complicated, so pay attention. You’re going to want to manually divert your penis so as it does not, repeat, DOES NOT come into contact with any toilet water. If you have a large penis and your life is still a wreck after heeding those three solutions (and the largeness of your penis isn’t the result of a disability), your mini-me isn’t the problem, mate. &

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L I F E' S SHORT . GE T A DIVORCE (OR T WO ) .

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