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CONT E NTS 01 The Waldorf Times 02 S&W Uncovers Hidden On-Campus Terror Website 04 The War On Christmas Takes Its Final Victim 07 Stars—They’re Just Like Us! 08 RPI Administration Seeks Full-Time Puppet—Apply Within 10 Questioning RPI: Campus-Wide Survey Results
FO RT NI G H TLY FOTO
STAF F Editor-in-Chief Noah Tebben Managing Editor Izzi Cain Business Manager Chester Kowalski
E D I TO R I A L
Culture Editor Alex Zylka Humor Editor Peter Wood News Editor Parth Bhide Op-Ed Editor Oleg Yakovets Selections Editor Kevin Phoenix
DESIGN
S TAFF P H OTO
Copy & Composing Editor Alex Zylka Copy & Composing Editor Jr. Izzi Cain Webmaster Kevin Phoenix Webmaster Jr. Peter Wood
CONTRIBUTING MEMBERS
Statler & Waldorf | Rensselaer Union Room 3314 | 110 8th St. | Troy, NY 12180 | sw@union.rpi.edu | Mini-Issue 17.1 | January 2017 Statler & Waldorf is published while classes are in session by the students of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute under the authority of the Rensselaer Student Union. It is provided to the community at no charge. Opinions expressed within this publication are not necessarily those of the staff or Editorial Board of Statler & Waldorf, the Rensselaer Student Union, or Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Pieces in the Humor section are satirical in nature and do not necessarily refer to real places or people. These pieces are for entertainment value only. The Editorial Board reserves the right to edit all submissions in compliance with the Statler & Waldorf Style Guide. All submissions should be sent to sw@union.rpi.edu. Please see our webpage, [http://sw.union.rpi.edu], for more information.
i STATLER & WALDORF • MINI-ISSUE 17.1 • JANUARY 2017
Kristan Tate, Dr. Bathroom, Bobby Martino, Lt. Snow Snake, The Association for Truth, Joe Iaquinto
"All the News That's Shit to Print"
The Waldorf Times
Four-year Forecast 100% chance of shitstorms
ALBANY, WEDNESDAY EVENING, JANUARY 25, 2017
PRICE: TWO CENTS
VOL. DCLXVI—NO. 68
SAMSUNG NOTE 7 SALES ARE JUST WARMING UP
Flat-Earthers Set to Reveal Biggest Revolution Yet
Despite claims of the phone being “unsafe” and “too dangerous to be within ten feet of,” Samsung Note 7 sales are simply blowing up. Off to an explosive start, the bombshell of a phone has already seen sales in terrorist communities skyrocket over the past few months. “Recalls? What recalls?” said a Samsung spokesman when asked for comment on the blazing sales records the device has achieved as of late.
According to them, all planets are flat and we're just looking at them head-on in pictures. Flat-Earthers are still adamant that we do revolve around the sun, much like a frisbee.
OBITUARIES
We mourn the passing of those gone too soon, and those who were female. Area Man Has “Frustration Aneurysm” While Waiting for YouPorn Video to Load He was 14.
Peña Nieto: “jk lol.”
PHOTO: ASHLEY SCOTT
Mexican President Toys Around With Idea of Paying for Trump’s Wall
PHOTO: ANGÉLICA RIVERA DE PEÑA
Glass Ceiling Shatters Under Weight of Pregnant Woman, Kills 5, Injures 12 The real kicker was the steel-reinforced backup ceiling discovered just above the glass one.
Britney Spears Reveals Her True Birth Name! Said Spears, “it’s Britney, bitch.”
Trump Apologises For 3rd Grade Level Linguistics… Sike!
Just as he takes office the 45th President was overheard telling a White House staffer, “it’s really not my fault, you know. Believe me. My parents were the biggest losers, by the way, okay? I have had tremendous success and I’m really a very good businessman. Tremendous success. I’ve had it. Tre-mendous.”
WE HERE AT S&W HAVE SPENT OUR W I N T E R B R E A K TRACKING DOWN
SOMETHING B I G . BY THE ASSOCIATION FOR TRUTH
We got an anonymous tip on some suspicious websites bouncing around campus, and we almost disregarded it entirely. Every day we get 20 ‘anonymous tips’ on how to buy cheap Viagra, or how to get sweet Ray-Bans for free, and after a couple wire transfers to Spain gone bad, we decided to be a little more discretionary on which anonymous tips we looked into. But this time, the tip was just too good to ignore, and it led to the greatest covert investigation we’ve published all year. Your friends have been involved. We know you’ve been involved. The whole freaking system has been involved. This is S&W’s breaking report on RPI’s internal terror network: the RPI SIS.
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S&W UNCOVERS HIDDEN ON-CAMPUS TERROR WEBSITE leading thing? A terrifying unknown. the entirety of the syllabus backwards, RPI’s student information system is a This leads us to our final point; the we heard...a lot of garbled synth and perfectly harmless site where we all discovery that made us realize how incomprehensible singing. It was get our schedules and stash our grades deep the corruption really ran. We ran enough to drive someone mad, mad from our parents, right? Well, we fell some analyses on the schedule portion enough to hate capitalism. The effect for the misdirection too. The real title of RP ISIS, and we found that the most was clear, and the damage is done. of RPI SIS is the Rensselaer Propapopular class among all RPI students We can only hope that our investigative † ganda for ISIS, or RP ISIS . (ISIS being was a class called Deep Listening. We efforts might help you make good dethe extremist group currently doing dug further and found the entire licisions in the future, and continue to unspeakable things in the Middle East and beyond.) Our network experts dug deeper, and we uncovered entire manifestos, allocated funds, and secret schedules. For example, we found out that thousands upon thousands of dollars are going to Access Grants. Did you read the fine print on these grants? These grants aren’t to help hopeful students gain financial access to grand old RPI—no no, they’re a stipend to allow ‘truth officers’ to softly play propaganda tapes through The logo was a pretty early indicator that something was horribly, horribly wrong. the ducts of our dorms and residences. Additionally, we found more funds brary of audio used for the class. We love one another, or maybe start a going to Leadership Awards. Once were able to look past some suspicious petition to change that horrifying SIS again, did you read the fine print? songs in the syllabus like TSwift’s ‘I logo, at minimum. Gravely, neither did we. We don’t know Don’t Wanna Live Forever’ and a reTune in next time where we reveal anything about these awards. Did I do mixed version of that incessant ChainRPI’s plans to weaponize the Weather the leadership? Am I being paid to smoker’s song titled ‘Closer (To PurgMachineTM, and as always, stay safe follow the leadership’s will and testaing The Infidels)’ which was dear readers. & ment? Where are we going with this admittedly catchy, but when we played S O W HAT ’S TH E D EAL, E X AC T LY ?
† Note from an editor: If you haven’t figured it out by now, we’re not serious. While we hold RPI accountable for the assault on our intestines that is Sodexo, we in no way claim they support or in any way parallel the actions of genocidal extremists, and we heartily condemn the actions of ISIS. Please direct all inquiries to satan@union.rpi.edu where your e-mail will be processed and promptly read from our offices in the pits of hell. Also, an editor wrote this article, so technically the whole thing is a note from an editor. Fun!
Devastating news came out of the North Pole this morning as Dr. Keebler signed Santa Claus’s death certificate at 10:13. Dr. Keebler and his team had been working days to keep the gift-giver alive after what amounted to a fatal injury in the War on Christmas. The war, thankfully, is coming to an end. In remembrance of the horrors that took Mr. Claus’s life, we recap the events of that terrible war so it may never happen again. BY PARTH BHIDE
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Christmas
THE WAR ON TAKES ITS FINAL VICTIM A RETROSPECTIVE ON THE FINAL MOMENTS OF SANTA CLAUS
THE FIRST SHOTS WERE FIRED IN
a crowded Macy’s on December 15, 2016. An ordinary man walked into the store to purchase perfume for his wife. He walked by a man at the Salvation Army station gleefully ringing his bell and chanting, “Merry Christmas” to all who walked by. Out of nowhere, a man who, from the looks of it had been locked in an underground bunker since election day, shouted, “Hey, that’s ‘happy holidays’ you f***er! Learn some respect.” Almost immediately, a woman, who seemed to have left her bunker the same day the man entered his, rebutted, “It’s f***ing liberals like you who are ruining this country! Shut the f*** up!” The two faced each other in a heated slurry of words, with people gathering around to see the hate-fest. It turned violent when they both pulled out a weapon, took aim, and fired. Seconds later, the crowd was dispersed, and the Salvation Army man was dead on the floor, two stray bullets striking him in the chest. It took only a day for America to become polarized. Half of the country believed it was the man’s political correctness that killed the mall Santa
while the other half believed it was due to the woman’s nativism. The tension that carried over from the presidential election and the remainder of 2016 was made tighter as Fox News and MSNBC battled back-and-forth over the cause of this tragedy. Eventually, the tension snapped. Riots broke out in large cities like New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles where ordinary citizens took to the streets; most in peaceful protest, others with violent intentions. On December 18, a large civilian militia gathered in Times Square, looking to assert their dominance and put the issue to bed, but their actions would result in the most bloodshed on American soil since the Civil War. With neither side budging and the police force outnumbered, both sides fired on each other, killing 700 militants and 400 civilians. The National Guard was too late in showing up and the blood had already been spilled. The sidewalks looked like they had been covered in candy canes, but there was no sugar to be found on the streets. The news reached President Obama’s desk quickly. Wanting to avoid being the next Buchanan, Obama
THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS TAKES ITS FINAL VICTIM CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS PAGE
nationalized the Guard in all 50 states, but the seeds of hatred had already been planted. Violence erupted across hundreds of cities and the Guard was spread too thin. It was projected that re-stationing the US Army on domestic soil to quiet the riots would take at least a month. The country had to wait. For three days the violence continued in a seemingly disorganized fashion until, on December 22, the anti-Christmas militants took control of New York City. In a daring offensive, the pro-Christmas militants captured Chicago the next evening. The opponents had become fully radicalized and organized. Military leaders in Washing-
“ VI OL EN C E ERUPTED ACRO S S HU NDR ED S O F C I TI E S A ND T H E GUAR D WA S S PREA D TO O T H I N .” ton restructured the National Guard to defend nuclear weapon installations while a strong US naval presence forced militants out of port cities like New York and Los Angeles into more interior territories. Thankfully, due to efficient planning by Obama and his military advisors, it was projected that US Army forces would be able to completely suppress all fighting by the 26th of December. As US troops re-entered the port cities, the majority of these militants had been detained or killed. On the
morning of the 25th, a remaining anti-Christmas outpost in central Nebraska detected an aircraft on its radars. Fearing that the Christmas militants had stolen a US fighter jet, they launched a SAM missile at the aircraft. Santa’s sleigh, making its way into the Midwest, was shot down at 1:13 AM EST. All nine reindeer were lost,
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and Santa was badly wounded. He was rushed to Litzenberg Memorial County Hospital where a medevac and submarine would carry him to the North Pole. He was under constant care until he finally succumbed to his wounds late in the morning. News of this casualty demoralized militants on both sides. Many surrendered their arms seeing the devastation that their war had caused. When the US military took complete control the next morning only a few hundred militants remained across the United States. Small skirmishes flared up now-and-then but the war itself had effectively ended. The official casualty estimate was 12,746 militants lost, 2,874 US military, paramilitary, and police men and women lost, and 8,312 civilians lost, for a total of 23,932 lives lost, and one Father Christmas. Rest in Peace. In remembrance, Christmas has been permanently delayed to January 7th, Orthodox Christmas, so that a day of peace would not be associated with a war of hatred. &
They Ho ld Hands Wi th The Devil !
ink They Th wA About Ho els Up e F n o m e L ole! The Butth
ve They Ha ns! w o d t l e M Angry
T h e y To uch Dogs Inapropria tely!
RPI Administration Seeks Full-Time Puppet—Apply Within BY CHESTER KOWALSKI
L
ast year, the Athletics program was taken out of the Union’s budgetary responsibility, and a new position for ‘Executive Director of Student Activities’ was posted on a local job site. The position would entail overview of the Student Union, setting the precedent that it would no longer be solely run by the students, for the students. This generated immense outrage among the student body because no suitable discussions, agreements, or general-abiding-tothe-handbook took place when the administration pushed this move. Now that we’re all caught up, we bring you the latest developments in the story.
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I T S E E M S T H AT T H E O N L I N E J O B P O S T I N G W A S A
feint, and the true hero for administrative over-reach has yet to be found. An intrepid team of reporters from the Critically Acclaimed, Emmy Award winning, and all-around gift to humanity, Statler & Waldorf, braved the perilous tunnels beneath the Troy building to bring this exposé. A Job Listing for the position of “Puppet” has been found on a runed, gothic job board. The posting listed a requirement for years of experience not thinking for yourself, a lack of a backbone, and an uncanny likeness to a drinking bird. The team has found that the position appears to have many applicants already. One such applicant, Agatha, has given us some insight into the popularity of the opening. “I’ve always wanted a position where students can constantly hate me, and I can give up all hope of any amount of upward movement. I was also hoping to find a position where I could properly support The Honorable and Most
Commendable Dr. Shirley Ann Jackson through any means, such as dancing at her every command or selling my soul to the ‘Tute. I’m really hoping my credentials will allow me to get the job.” At press time, in a desperate attempt to cover the scandal, the ‘Tute released a statement that they were looking for someone that “could thrive in the face of protest” and “has lost all sense of journalistic integrity long ago”. They assured the students that the position was to ‘strengthen the student experience, strengthen support for students, strengthen portfolio effectiveness, and enhance opportunities for personal and professional development for Student Life staff.’ As we all know, the students love nothing more than ambiguous portfolios, and for now, the riots seem to have quelled. We’ll keep you posted on any further developments in the case. &
“I ’ ve a lway s wante d a p o si tion where stu d e nt s ca n c onst antl y hate m e , and I c a n g i ve u p a l l hop e o f any am ount o f u pwa rd mo ve m ent . I WA S AL S O hop ing to f i n d a p o s i tion where I c ould prop erl y su p p o r t Th e Honorab le and Mo st Co mme n da b l e Dr. Shirle y Ann Jac k s on th ro u g h a ny m eans , suc h as danc ing at h e r e ve r y c o m mand or s e lling my s oul to th e ‘ Tu te . ”
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QUESTIONING RPI
Anyone who has visited an RPI-themed Facebook group has surely seen the innumerable surveys posted by countless frantic IED students scrambling to do market research. Tired of this spam, I decided to (with a little help from my roommate) react in the only logical way: by making my own survey. Since we posted it on the first day of finals, over two hundred stressed-out people desperately scrounging for any shred of levity they could find took it. Here is a detailed breakdown of selected questions we asked and the responses we got. & BY PETER WOOD
WHAT I S YO UR MA JO R? This one was multiple choice, with multiple answers allowed. The options given were “Political Science,” “Gender Studies,” and “Other,” The overwhelming majority chose “other,” undoubtedly not yet realizing the true nature of the survey; however, Gender Studies is apparently twice as popular as Political Science, and 31 people have multiple majors.
WH Y A R E T H U R S DAYS B E T T E R T H A N T U E S DAYS ? The first of several free-response questions. Nine people said “Yes,” three said “No.” Many people also said “they aren’t” or some variation of “they are closer to the weekend” or something about “thirsty thursdays” and the related increase in potential alcohol consumption. A surprising number of people mentioned the presence of the letter “h” in “Thursday” making it better, or the Norse god Thor who is Thursday’s namesake. Other highlights include: • Penis • Are you making me do your math homework for you? • Cause my girlfriend cheated on me with her black ex-boyfriend on a Tuesday. That Thursday I got our DC trip refunded! • Behead those who believe in the existence of Tuesdays • mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell • Thursdays have a markedly lower saturated fat content. • I have massive, throbbing erectile dysfunction • Thursdays are the fith dai; Tuesdays are thirb; 3>5; small number is better rank • 4!=32.5/7^n
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PHYSIC S PRO BL EM If 1 mol of spheres each with radius of 3 kg are thrown off a 2-minute-high cliff, with an initial velocity of -34 amperes at an angle of 45 radians above the vertical, and air resistance is a thing that exists, how many of the spheres will hit the ground in a finite amount of time? Assume standard temperature and pressure.
32.6% 16.3% 13.3%
16.3%
All of them Some of them Most of them Both of them Any of them Exactly 23 of them All of them I don't understand the question All of the above
WHAT I S YOUR FAVO RITE C O LO R? Participants were given a scale of one to five with which to answer this question. 1 through 3 had around 15% of the vote each, 4 had about a quarter, and 5 had about 30%.
GENDER? A simple yes-or-no question. The split was 70-30, favoring “Yes.” This is surprisingly close to the ratio of male to female students.
ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 5 , WITH 1 0 BEIN G TH E LOW E S T A N D 3 B E I N G T H E H I G H E S T, H OW T H R E AT E N E D D O YO U F E E L B Y T HE SQUI RRELS O N C A MP US ? Respondents were given a slider with its extremes at 1 (labeled “No Squirrels”) and 7 (labeled “Lots of Squirrels”). 30.7% 62 20.3% 41 9.9% 20
8.9% 18
1
2
3
4
15.8% 32 7.4% 15
5
6.9% 14
6
See all of the questions at http://sw.union.rpi.edu
7 CC-BY-SA-3.0/MATT H. WADE AT WIKIPEDIA
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last exit before toll
CC-BY-SA-3.0/NICOLE-KOEHLER AT WIKIPEDIA