SWC Faces of Courage 2012

FAC E S O F COUR AG E STORIES OF CHANGE SURREY WOMEN’S CENTRE | 2012

FACES OF COURAGE: RITU, SONYA & SARAH

INTRODUCTION We are taught to call 9-1-1 in cases of emergency…

Every year, thousands of cases of domestic violence are reported to the police, and even more go unreported.

Domestic violence is different than other crimes. The majority of victims are women. The majority of offenders are men. And the victims always know the offender. So it’s not surprising that only 1 in four women will report an assault to the police. Most women will not call the police for help even when they fear for lives.

Women’s centres are often the first and sometimes the only place that women will call for help.

It takes courage to reach out for help, knowing that leaving is often the most dangerous time in a woman’s life.

This book is a tribute to you.

So we are honoured to share the stories of the women who made the first step by picking up the phone and calling our crisis line at Surrey Women’s Centre.

Each story is a personal snapshot into one woman’s healing journey after escaping domestic violence.

Stories of courage.

Stories of change.

Their words remind us that asking for help is an act of courage that can change a life.

Irene looked out the window to a beautiful ocean cove and said a prayer. “Creator, if your plan for me is to stay in this marriage, I will. But if it isn’t, please give me the strength to walk away because I don’t know what to do.”

After years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse, Irene knew that she needed a plan to leave her husband. What prompted her plea to the Creator was a final incident where, while Irene was planning

Irene remembers her sessions with a counsellor at Surrey Women’s Centre, and how she learned to mourn her past and create healthy relationships.

Through this process Irene began to dream of supporting and validating other women who experience violence.

Irene transformed her personal experience into a passion to inspire women who are taking the initial steps toward breaking the cycle of violence. Today

Creator… please give me the strength to walk away because I don’t know what to do. his 45th birthday, he yelled and spat at her in front of her daughter. Irene sought solace in her spirituality as a Cree woman to break the cycle of violence in order to build a better life for her and her daughter. “I knew that I wanted more. I felt something guiding me and leading me toward a certain direction, giving me the inner strength that I needed.”

Irene sought support by phoning several crisis lines including Surrey Women’s Centre in order to create a safety plan that would help her prepare for the day she would leave. She needed help to keep herself and her daughter safe until that time came.

When she had saved enough money, Irene packed all of her most prized belongings in a small camper van and set sail on a ferry from her remote northern community to Surrey, BC, “We lived with my parents because I wanted to be somewhere that I felt supported and at home.” She also wanted to be close to community support organization such as Surrey Women’s Centre, where she could begin to pick up the pieces.

she is a program coordinator for second stage housing which supports women and children fleeing domestic violence. “As women we have so much strength that we can tap into; I kept myself safe until I was able to get myself out the door and now I support women who are ready to do it too.”

FACE OF COURAGE: IRENE

FACE OF COURAGE: STACEY

Stacey reminisces as she digs through a large box filled with a lone photo album and many dog-eared journals. Although she did not learn to read or write until she was 21 years of age, the box contains a written legacy of her healing journey – a testament to the fact that words have the power to heal.

myself. So I took my best lipstick and I wrote words I couldn’t say: I am beautiful.

I am important.

I count.

I had no clue who I was when I left home. I didn’t know me. I had no words for Stacey.

When Stacey left home at the age of 15, she had no sense of self or belonging. The next chapters in her life were a series of relationships that continued to erode her self-worth. “All three of my big loves were physically abusive.” Stacey suffered serious physical injuries that included the loss of her front tooth. ”The beatings were no big deal. I was good at taking shots to the head.” The hardest part, however, was the emotional and mental abuse. “ The words you can’t take away:”

Loser.

Nobody will want you.

Ugly.

Whore.

Stacey remembers the moment when she realized that something was terribly wrong. “The bottom was when my littlest one… jumped out of a moving car and a third story window. One night she banged her head against the wall until she was black and blue.”

The next morning Stacey called Surrey Women’s Centre for help. She made the call out of concern for her daughter but soon realized that she also needed help for herself. “My daughter was crying out my pain.”

Stacey shares how she learned to love herself. Before Stacey believed the words, she wrote affirmations to herself on her bathroom mirror. “I wasn’t able to love

The hardest thing was to look in the mirror and say I love you. To accept love even from myself.”

Stacey pauses as she reflects on how far she has come and flips through the pages of the last journal in the box. This journal is a gift to her eldest daughter.

It is filled with words of affirmation written in bright coloured fabric paint:

Responsible.

Giving.

Kind.

Her words are a legacy to her daughter. “I want my daughter to know who she is before she leaves home.”

Now Stacey wants to extend her legacy of giving back to the community. Last year, Stacey and her colleagues at Royal LePage Reality (Coronation Park) raised over 10,000 to support the Surrey Mobile Assault Response Team at Surrey Women’s Centre.

“I’d like women to know that they can move forward from the past. To know that they don’t have to live the life that they think they are stuck with.”

When asked why Stacey is willing to share her story, her answer is a simple one.

“I want women to know that you can live that life,” she says, then pauses before adding, “but you don’t have to.”

Monica grew up on the beautiful Andaman Islands in the Indian Ocean. She had loving parents who nurtured her independence; violence was never on her radar, “I had the most perfect childhood. When I grew up I didn’t think I would end up in something like this.” After college, Monica had a successful career in broadcast media in New Delhi, where she met her husband. They married in 1997 – the abuse began almost immediately.

felt her life was in danger. She did not know about community resources that could help her until a close friend urged her to call Victim Services. In distress and frustrated, Monica reached out to Surrey Women’s Centre.

Monica planned for her safety with victim support workers, “With just one phone call, I started learning what my rights were and how to plan for our safety.”

He almost killed me 3 times when I was pregnant.

In 2005, Monica and her husband immigrated to Canada. He continued to control who she talked to, would not allow her to pursue her profession, and beat her repeatedly. Monica felt so isolated in Canada with her family thousands of miles away.

Monica immediately changed the locks on her home and work and gave copies of the protection order to her children’s school. Victim support workers liaised with the RCMP and guided Monica through a maze of complex legal proceedings. Eventually he was arrested.

Four years later she became pregnant with her third child; a daughter. Monica’s husband was enraged at the news of the baby’s gender that would not speak to Monica for two months.

Monica was able to transform the support she received into the courage to transcend her circumstances.

Today she has full custody of her three children and is financially independent again, running two businesses.

Even though the charges against her ex-husband were stayed, Monica feels safe for the first time in 15 years and aspires to help other women in need by donating a percentage of the proceeds from her thrift store to support women fleeing violence.

Eventually he left her and the children, with no source of income and no access to their shared bank account. “In my culture if you are left by your husband automatically there is a stigma. My family felt I brought shame to them and they didn’t talk to me for 8 months they said you have to call him back, you have to find away to improve yourself.”

Determined to make it on her own, Monica did not ask her husband to come back, however, he began to stalk and harass her. He even took her to family court to try to get custody of their three children. The judge saw through the abuse and granted Monica a protection order for her and her children. Still Monica

FACE OF COURAGE: MONICA

FACES OF COURAGE: JAY & PINA

On November 24, 2009, Maria Catroppa, devoted mother of 4 children, was stabbed to death by her second husband in their Surrey home. Days after their mother’s death, the family started working with Maryam, a victim service worker at Surrey Women’s Centre who helped them navigate a complex maze of legal proceedings that would last for over 2 years. Jay recall’s Maryam’s support, “She was there with her arms around me when I sat in the court room and heard that my mother had been stabbed 126 times.

look at what they could take for themselves and they were actually praying for us…They said a prayer for us and for mom and we’re so thankful and boy, I’ll never forget that.”

The family then created the Maria Catroppa Memorial Award at Kwantlen Polytechnic University to help single mothers who may not otherwise be able to pursue an education. “Education,” their mother would say, “is the key to success. Go to

I sat in the court room and heard that my mother had been stabbed 126 times…

When I could not bear it anymore, she would whisper in my ear, the words, any words that would help me keep going.

Jay and Pina want to leave a legacy that will keep their mother’s memory alive for generations to come.

One of the initial steps in their healing process was to donate Maria’s belongings to Surrey Women’s Centre. By helping women fleeing domestic violence start a new life, Jay and Pina turned their pain into something powerful. “We were so overwhelmed and we didn’t want to keep anything” Jay shares “we wanted it to go to somewhere where it would help. That is one of the things that I feel good about; selling my mom’s stuff would be too painful but giving it to people who needed it was liberating. In hindsight, that was one of the first things that helped us heal.” Many women rely on Surrey Women’s Centre for free clothing and household items. Pina says, “You had ladies come in to look at the clothing and kitchen items and they were actually hearing our story for the first time as they came in and took a

school, work hard and you will achieve great success.”

Reflecting on the award, Pina says “what a better way to honour her memory and help women in need than to create an award in her name.” Her sister agrees. “It is a tribute to our mom and a legacy that will live on when we are gone.”

Jay and Pina also collaborated with Surrey Women’s Centre to produce a video entitled, The Honest Truth to honour their mother’s life by recounting the tragic circumstances of her death. Their hope is that the video teaches women and their loved ones how to identify risk factors for domestic violence and access critical resources that saves women’s lives.

“We’re telling her story so that other families don’t miss the signs and ignore the clues. We’re telling her story so that men who murder their spouses don’t get out on bail or receive lesser charges or sentences because it was only a domestic homicide.

We can’t bring her back but we hope that by telling her story, we can help prevent this from happening to other women.”

“I was a single mom with my father’s child in the seventies this wasn’t a common thing… I suspected everybody thought I had fooled around or whatever but I didn’t, I hadn’t even kissed a boy when I had my child so that’s why I talk about it.” From a very young age, Patricia knew that in order to heal she would need to share this secret with others.

Patricia initially sought support from her congregation.

They did not understand the dynamics of sexual abuse and blamed Patricia for seducing her father. Although Patricia was ostracized as a result of her disclosure, her faith did not waiver, “My spirituality gave me strength because I knew the abuse was wrong. The bible is a good guideline for moral living. It’s what helped me through.” She continued to look to scripture as a moral compass and relied on her inner strength until a time when she could find support outside her congregation.

At seventeen, when Patricia disclosed her secret to the family doctor. “When I was pregnant I went to the doctor and told him I was pregnant by my father. He marched me back and made me lie because he said he didn’t want to go to jail.”

helped cope with the impact of trauma. “I like the idea of being supported by women. I really enjoy being here and feeling like I can be myself and relax and it’s really nice.

Everyone is loving and supportive.”

While in counseling, Patricia began raising her daughter’s children. “My grandkids are a blessing. They really are because I get a sense of success there.” She adds, “My oldest granddaughter said, I don’t know where I’d be if it wasn’t for you… hooked on drugs or dead if it wasn’t for you.” Raising her daughter and now her grandchildren is a legacy of love that transcends generations.

Because of her own inner strength and the support she received, Patricia learned to love herself more and more every day. “I found out that recovery is a process, there was so much secrecy and shame that made me feel responsible.

Talking about the abuse takes the responsibility off my shoulders and puts it onto to him, where it belongs.”

With increasing public awareness about the dynamics of child sexual abuse, Patricia’s congregation has grown to

I had never even been kissed by a boy when I gave birth to my father’s child.

Patricia was determined to keep her child from harm. “I wanted to give her the chance I never had.” For years she protected her daughter from their father as she continued to look for help.” I was reaching out and no one was listening.”

understand that she is not to blame for her father’s violence and deserves justice. “Everybody’s backing me, the ones that look after the congregation, the body of elders, they’re totally backing me, they help me a lot and they’re proud.”

Patricia started reading books about sexual assault, “When I started my healing process I went to the library and got a children’s book, a simple worded one that was less complicated. I finished off with a college book on the dynamics of incest. I was a voracious reader.” Reading helped Patricia understand her feelings and reactions that helped her as a child but no longer served her as an adult.

Two years ago, Patricia decided to make a police report. She returned to Surrey Women’s Centre for support while the police conducted their investigation. “After all these years, I’ve finally done it… I’m going through with the criminal charges right now against my dad because I don’t want anybody else to get victimized by him. If it saves one little girl’s innocence, it is all worthwhile.”

Patricia’s search for help finally lead her to Surrey Women’s Centre where counseling validated her experiences and

Days away from her 60th birthday, the investigating officer called to let Patricia know that her father had been arrested.

FACE OF COURAGE: PATRICIA

FACE OF COURAGE: BRENDA

Brenda was six months pregnant when her life changed forever. Her abusive ex partner found where she was living and came to her bedroom window.

She lay in bed fearing for her life as memories of him hitting her, throwing knives, and smashing glass flooded her mind. She called the police.

Brenda explains that her courage and persistence saved her life, “I could have been killed… I knew the abuse was wrong and I just kept calling the police every time.”

Anishnaabe Place-Aboriginal Services, “Knowing that I wasn’t alone was huge. It was huge because I used to always think that I was alone.”

Her baby was three years old when Brenda enrolled at Douglas College to complete an Early Childhood Education degree – something she always dreamed of. She quickly excelled and in her second year she received the Irving K. Barber Scholarship – Aboriginal Student Award.

I could have been killed. I knew the abuse was wrong and I just kept calling the police...

The RCMP officer who attended that call helped Brenda pack her belongings and took her to a transition house. Brenda’s recalls how the officer insisted that she leave the home, “She told me she knew what I was going through because her aunt had been abused for 17 years. I cannot believe the impact she made on my life!”

Facing her abuser at his trial terrified Brenda but she had a Surrey Women’s Centre victim service worker standing beside her, “That support made me stronger.

I was so afraid, but they helped me feel like I had people behind me. That I was not alone.” At the end of the trial, Brenda’s ex-partner received a prison sentence followed by probation.

In counselling, Brenda put new skills into practice to recreate a safe and meaningful life for herself and her daughters. “They gave me such great tools. I walked out with an invisible toolkit up here in my brain, and still use.” When she finished her work at Surrey Women’s Centre, Brenda attended a support group at

When asked about her future, Brenda talks about living the simple life with her two daughters and working with kids, “I find that children live for the moment and life doesn’t have to be complex.

Children can take a stick, leaf, rock, box, bead or virtually anything that crosses their path and transform it into a living, breathing companion that they will cherish and care for as long as they have it in their possession.”

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