3 minute read
Mental Health Matters
Set Healthy Boundaries Guilt Free!
By Derran Heney Mental Health Professional
Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you’re the type of person who prefers to keep the peace or go with the flow. Maybe you’re the type of person who said ‘Yes’ when you really wanted to say ‘No’!
This way of navigating through life may have been a pattern from our formative years and whilst may have its advantage in some situations, people can take advantage of our good natures or lack of boundary setting and will behave accordingly.
If this has been an ingrained pattern, you may feel very lost and not sure how to set boundaries or to take them back. It’s neither easy nor fun to be in a place where you feel you could be sacrificing what matters most to you in order to keep peaceful relations.
Photo Credit: Pixabay
Plus, setting limits on people who have already encroached on your parameters, can make it feel like you are having to take back something from them in order to advocate for yourself.
The problem here is that we often consider the other person’s feelings and needs above our own. While it is important to consider others, we need to remember that our feelings and needs are also important, especially if boundaries are being overstepped.
When we find ourselves under pressure to agree or feel disempowered in any interactions, it’s useful to bring the focus back to our own needs; what we want and how we feel.
Reclaiming healthy boundaries: Be clear about your objective
Do you want someone to listen, to understand you, to change their behaviour towards you, or do you want to change your approach? Considering what
you want to achieve is the first step.
Next, it may be helpful to journal your feelings about the situation, so that you are able to express yourself clearly. Then consider what you need, in regard to the situation or from the other person.
It could be conducive to consider some specific requests, as sometimes these can be useful in being clear about what needs to change. A journal may look something like this - see table below:
Communication
People have differing views, opinions, core values and beliefs. It may be that they
have only considered feelings from their side of the fence and are not purposely behaving in an upsetting manner.
Always be respectful and open to the possibility that others may not know how you feel. Sometimes, communication goes wrong because we assume we know why people behave the way they do. People hear blame and make assumptions, so it’s always good to remain curious and open to exploration.
Make ‘I’ statements.
Keep the topic on your experience so you can never be accused of the ‘blame game’. Discuss the way they make you feel, always asserting your feelings and needs into these statements. Examples: “I’d really like to help you with… however to be honest I feel overwhelmed at the moment and need a bit of time to focus on…”
“I feel that my feelings need to be considered in this decision.
I need ... to be discussed with me first so I can make an informed decision…”
Remember too, you do not need to commit, give an outcome or make decisions immediately. We can make time to think things through and organise our thoughts, feelings and needs.
If we really want to say No to a request or create boundaries around behaviours towards us, we can find more creative ways to do that. For example:
“I’d like some time to think about that. I’ll get back to you…”
This gives you time to think about how you really feel. It is useful if you are the kind of person that will say ‘Yes’ to people too readily and regret it later. Remember too that ‘No’ is not a bad word: there are many ways to say it that do not offend.
